Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, Kittykab
Hey!
One of my subscribers, zippity, reminded me that she has been voting for my newsletter –
I forgot all about it! I hope you'll take a few minutes for vote for my site!
http://ezinefinder.com/index.html
I'm a bit embarrassed but some of my most wonderful subscribers have mentioned that
they would like to donate to 'the newsletter cause' - Here's the link. Non profit.
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself,
break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an
email
to me, DebsSweet and your request will be handled promptly - or whenever
I feel like it
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
The Top 14 Spam
Subject Lines We'll See in the Future
14> Copy any person, instantly!!
13> ***** WIN A NEW HOVERCAR *****
12> 20 New Sexual Positions for You and Your Clone!!
11> Barely Legal Teen Aliens from Alpha Centauri Want 2 Probe U!
10> Increase the size of your SUV!!
9> Are Bad Clones Ruining Your Good Credit?
8> Franklin Mint's Many Faces Of Michael Jackson "King of Pop"
Commemorative Chess Set!
7> Deposed Middle East dictator needs your help!
6> L@@K! Time-travel tickets to anywhere!!!
5> PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP TO MOVE MONEY OUT OF INTER-PLANETARY
BANK ACCOUNT
4> Vacation to Baghdad Disney -- Only $499!
3> A bigger vagina in just 7 days!! Your man got bigger --
now you can, too!
2> FREE nude pics of Mary Kate and Ashley Hefner!!
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Spam
Subject Line We'll See in the
Future...
1> Petition: Help Save the Bill of Right!
v v v v v
http://downloads.zdnet.com/abstract.aspx?docid=907913&tag=nl.e530
runs as a system service and watches for certain processes.
If it finds them running, it
kills them off, instantly.
License: Free
OS: Windows 2000/XP/2003 Server/Vista/Server 2008
Photo Cutter - Easily cut parts of your photo into various formats.
free image cutter that allows you to cut digital photos
Get 9 Mac apps for $39, help charity in the process | The Cheapskate - CNET News
The folks at MacHeist will contribute 25 percent of your purchase price to any of 10 charities. In the meantime,
you walk away with more than $600 worth of great Mac software.
v v v v v
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital tension in his
household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it. In
the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that:
"You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives." My
friend looked at me kind of funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know
God used that kind of language!"
v v v v v
"Liquidity" is known in finance
as assets converting to cash advance.
But when my IRA statement comes, I must say,
"Liquidity" means that I wet my pants.
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
"Let me tell you a couple things about myself. Last week, I
got married. Talk about your March Madness, you know what
I'm saying? We went to the courthouse, and the guy says,
'Are you the father of the bride?'" --David Letterman
v v v v v
"Because of the bad economy and all the layoffs, a lot of
women in white collar jobs are working at strip clubs.
Women in strip clubs are having the same problems that
women in corporate America are having: They can only climb
so high on that brass pole before they hit that mirrored
ceiling." -Jay Leno
v v v v v
Troubleshooting PC slowdowns with these 10+
tips and tricks.
User complaints are minimal when new PCs are rolled out. They start up quick,
and programs seem to open in a snap. But over time, users begin to notice that
their system is slow or that it hangs up often. While the possibilities for
system slowdown are endless, this download identifies 10+ common
troubleshooting areas you should examine first before you suggest to management
that it's time for an upgrade
What is a
trojan horse?
We've all heard or seen the story from Homer's Iliad about the Trojan wars. In
it the Greeks give a giant wooden horse to their enemies, the Trojans, supposedly
as a peace offering. But after the horse is inside the city walls, Greek
soldiers sneak out of the horse's hollow belly and open the city gates,
allowing their soldiers to enter and capture Troy.
Similarly, what is known as a Trojan Horse is a destructive program disguised as a simple application or useful program. The program contains additional hidden code which allows the unauthorized collection, exploitation, falsification, or destruction of data. Though lumped in with viruses, it doesn't propagate itself like a virus does.
One of the worst kinds of Trojans is a program that claims to rid your computer of viruses, but instead puts them on your computer. Another common type will open a security hole for a hacker to get into your system and do all kinds of nasty stuff.
You can prevent getting a Trojan Horse by having up-to-date anti-virus software, not opening unsolicited attachments, and scanning freeware and shareware you download before you unzip.
Andrew worldstart.com
v v v v v
On the way back from a
Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my
son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies'
tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked
innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson
finally spoke up in disgust." You don't have to make something up,
Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
v v v v v
There
comes a time in every young man’s life when he has to stand for something.
Unfortunately, doing so while
informing one's girlfriend that her outfit makes
her look like Shamu in
stilettos leave one's scrotum vulnerable to puncture.
v v v v v
v v v v v
A piece of string walked into a small town on a hot, dusty day.
He was thirsty, so he sauntered into the first establishment he
encountered and asked the waiter for a glass of water.
"Sorry", said the waiter, "we don't serve strings here."
Discouraged, the string walked out.
A little further down the street, he met a stranger.
"You look hot," said the stranger. "Why don't you go into that
cafe and get a drink of water?"
"I tried that," said the string, "but the waiter wouldn't serve
me anything because I'm just a string."
"No problem" said the stranger. "I'll fix you up."
He grabbed the string, tied him in a bowline and frayed his ends.
"Now try it."
The string slipped back into the cafe and asked the waiter for a
glass of water.
"Hey," said the waiter, "aren't you the piece of string that was
just in here?"
"Nope," retorted the string, "I'm a frayed knot."
v v v v v
Simple Test Helps Predict Heart Attack Risk | ThirdAge Articles
About 25 percent of all heart attacks or sudden cardiac deaths in the United States occur in individuals thought to be at low risk. Now, a new simple test may be able to warn millions of Americans if they might be in that category
Where Did I Put That Memory? | ThirdAge Articles
Scientists may someday be able to help you remember where you put your keys simply by reading your mind. A new study carried out by Wellcome Trust scientists at the University of London shows that our memories are recorded in regular patterns in an area of the brain called the hippocampus, a finding which challenges current scientific thinking.
Come to Your Senses | ThirdAge Articles
The state of the economy got you down? Then step away from the television, turn off the internal news ticker and open your mind to a myriad of sights, sounds and sensations. Re-awaken your imagination, rethink your priorities, and relax.
Wellsphere - Health knowledge made personal
Wellsphere is a great source of health information - personalized
Grapefruit Diet Woman Blood Clot
Scary stuff - she ate 3 and almost lost her leg
v v v v v
She was only a cheerleader's daughter, and she sure made the boys'
root harder.
v v v v v
The Top 15 Signs Your Pet Is a Terrorist
15> Fetches your slippers, and then tries to light them.
14> He refuses to let you rub his nose in his mistakes, demanding
a military tribunal instead.
13> You discover little nuclear missiles in the towers of your goldfish's
castle.
12> He scratches his ear and three car bombs go off on your street.
11> After a photo of her toting a gun hits the papers, she
insists she was brainwashed by the Siamese Liberation Army.
10> You find nine little dynamite vests under Fluffy's bed.
9> Constantly wants you to submit tapes of his antics to
"Al-Jazeera's Funniest Home Videos."
8> Steadfastly refuses to let you trim his trigger claw.
7> Sure, tropical fish are usually quiet, but these tropical
fish are a little *too* quiet.
6> Last year it was a CIA-funded "freedom fighter" -- you do the
math.
5> The cat starts to tie plastic explosives to itself, but
fortunately, always winds up just playing with the string.
4> Dog's "sad" eyes are, upon further inspection, actually
"shifty" eyes.
3> The miniature "chuck wagon" careens merrily across the kitchen
floor, stops in front of the refrigerator, then explodes.
2> Everywhere you look: Dirty bombs!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Pet Is a Terrorist...
1> Every time you open his cage, Tweety tries to fly into the
side of Barbie's Dream House.
v v v v v
Used to be that my true love brought me chocolate. Now my
true love IS chocolate.
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
Man to woman in car: "They were out of tampons so I bought
you
a cork"
v v v v v
HOOSIER-HUNK
New Definitions
1. Plandemonium -- orchestrated chaos.
2. Digross -- deviating outrageously from the topic.
3. Pornithologist -- one who studies prurient birds.
4. Fournication -- two unmarried couples behaving badly.
5. Testosterzone -- a dangerous area where men lose control.
6. Moronwalking -- idiots imitating Michael Jackson.
7. Gastrognome -- a very small epicure.
8. Fartality -- a gaseous, malodorous demise.
9. Transvestithe -- a cross-dresser's ten percent.
10. Bridgegroom -- an interim, temporary husband.
11. Blastphemy -- explosive profanity.
12. Penurinous -- piss-poor.
13. Enormouse -- a huge rodent
14. Sintimidator -- an overbearing, domineering transgressor.
15. Pearipatetic -- frantic fruit
v v v v v
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa invitational which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here
are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person
who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
v v v v v
sammy562
YouTube - Roy Orbison "Crying" Performed at Diamond Career Awards
Look how young he looks
KP1983
K-104 - The Best Country Variety
v v v v v
The road to truth is long and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.
v v v v v
If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass', turn her over.
v v v v v
You might be a liberal if you bring a BHO Chia Pet as a housewarming
gift.
v v v v v
v v v v v
Ron went to a surgeon and tried to convince him that he wanted to
have the experience of having a baby.
"Impossible," said the surgeon.
"But I need that experience," insisted Ron.
Eventually the surgeon agreed and told the man to come back next
day for the operation. The next day he is operated on. When he
came around he asked the surgeon if the operation was successful.
"Yes, perfect."
"When will I have the experience of having a baby?" asked Ron.
"Just as soon as you have drunk this pint of olive oil," said
the surgeon.
"How's that going to give me the experience?"
"Because I have sewn up your ass.
v v v v v
Kewlbox - Bailout Bonus Beatdown - free online and downloadable games
The greedy CEO of the "P.I.G. insurance company" wrote himself a big fat bonus check.
Now it’s time for you to deliver a little payback! Click your mouse repeatedly to throw punches.
The faster you click, the more punches you throw!
Send the housing market through the roof as you build, buy,
and sell houses in the new strategy game,
Build-a-lot! You can flip houses for quick cash
or sit back and watch the rental income pile up. Become a real estate mogul
as you visit scenic towns, earn huge profits and perform special favors for
the colorful local mayors. Can you build a new cinema for the local movie
star? Install a bowling ...
v v v v v
The Top 15 Reasons Married People
Are Happier than
Single People
15> You always know who's going to turn down your requests for sex.
14> Single men often face the stressful diplomatic necessity of
post-coital conversation.
13> The "in sickness and in health" clause includes her cleaning
up the bathroom after a night of your binge drinking.
12> You rediscover the teenage thrill of possibly getting caught
masturbating.
11> Aimless angst replaced by focused misery.
10> There's someone required by law to listen to you tell the
story about that time you were arrested in Mexico every
time you feel like telling it.
9> No more having to shave your back to get laid.
8> Mom's guilt-inducing lectures about not producing
grandchildren are much more bearable than Mom's
guilt-inducing lectures about screwing strangers at biker bars.
7> It's neither fun nor satisfying yelling at *yourself* for
buying the wrong kind of friggin' fish sticks.
6> Finally! A companion you can trust to help hack up the bodies.
5> Your parents can move on to complaining about all the *other*
ways in which you aren't living up to their expectations.
4> "Oprah" is just that much better when you have someone to
share it with.
3> Half off admission at swingers' clubs.
2> In exchange for sex once a month, the wife gets a spider
killer on call, 24/7.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason
Married
People Are Happier than Single
People...
1> Relieved of the daily pressures of maintaining good hygiene,
you have much more time for watching television.
v v v v v
Fix a Problem - Free Computer Help - Fix Computer Problems
Is your computer locking up? Are you getting a weird error message that you can't figure out?
Are you having trouble even starting your computer? No matter what kind of problem you're having,
big or small, you've come to the right place in your search to find the solution!
It doesn't matter if you're a seasoned computer professional, a fix-it novice, or somewhere in between –
these resources will help you get your computer back up and running in no time.
v v v v v
The only two things we
do with greater frequency in middle age are
urinate and attend funerals
v v v v v
v v v v v
"My husband and I found this great new
method of birth control that
really, really works... Every night before we go to bed, we spend an
hour with our kids"
v v v v v
A woman walks in a store to
return a pair of eyeglasses that she had
purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem,
madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not
seeing things my way."
v v v v v
Sarah's Key
by
Tatiana de Rosnay
Paris, July 1942: Sarah, a ten year-old girl, is brutally arrested with her family by the French police in the Vel’ d’Hiv’
roundup, but not before she locks her younger brother in a cupboard in the family's apartment,
thinking that she will be back within a few hours.
Wonderful book - tragic, sad and realistic. I happened to meet the author on Twitter after
I had read her book. She's so very kind. I hope you'll read this book.
5 stars !!
v v v v v
I've notice that when life hands you lemons, it doesn't really
hand them to you so much as shove them straight up your ass.
v v v v v
The Top 15 Signs the Guy You're
Dating Isn't Really a
Millionaire
15> He picks you up in a backhoe.
14> Waiter: "Would you like the filet mignon, sir?"
Your date: "Uh, is that anything like the
Filet-O-Fish?"
13> His tuxedo cummerbund is actually a rolled-up Home Depot apron.
12> Those two hotels he owns? They're on Park Place and Boardwalk.
11> His "butler" looks suspiciously like Kato Kaelin.
10> Claims he earned his vast wealth trading "lap-dance futures"
on the "Nookie index."
9> Technically, he *is* a millionaire -- if you include calories
consumed at an average McDonald's visit.
8> On the way to the Motel 6 he bummed a quarter for the
truck-stop condom machine.
7> Instead of lighting cigars with $100 bills, he lights farts
with food stamps.
6> First time you've ever seen anyone open a bottle of Moet
with a pellet gun.
5> "No thanks. I prefer my fish eggs scrambled."
4> In the middle of "La Boheme," he holds up his lighter and
shouts, "Freebird!"
3> His knowledge of things French is limited to fries, toast and
ticklers.
2> He had to sell his Heisman trophy to buy you dinner.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign
the Guy
You're Dating Isn't Really a
Millionaire...
1> His pithiest comment at the art gallery: "Christ, these high
ceilings would be a bitch to drywall."
v v v v v
Washington Apple Martini
1 oz Crown Royal
1 oz Sour Apple Pucker
1 oz Cranberry juice
Shake and serve up in a chilled cocktail glass
rimmed with sugar and cinnamon.
Watermelon Crawl
1/3 oz Southern Comfort
1.5 oz Amaretto
1/3 Watermelon schnapps
Orange juice
Pineapple juice
Fill a 16 oz pint glass with ice, pour the
above in. Garnish with cherries.
v v v v v
You know
you're getting older when your favorite
pickup line is, "Do you come here often, and do you know CPR?
v v v v v
The speed limit on the highway running through our small town was changed from
40 to 35 MPH.
Then one afternoon the town mayor was stopped in the coffee shop by a police
officer.
"Can I speak to you a
moment?" he said.
"Sure," the mayor replied. "What can I help you with?"
"We're advising people that the speed limit has been lowered on the
highway through town,
and we'd appreciate your
co-operation."
"No problem," said the mayor. "Do you want me to bring this up
at the next council meeting?"
"No Sir," replied the police officer. "We want you to slow
down."
v v v v v
After his divorce Mr. Lewis realized that poker
isn't the only game that starts
with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
v v v v v
v v v v v
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
Latest from MSNBC:
I-90 across South Dakota will be closed this weekend. They are hauling a 200 ton
lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mt. Rushmore
v v v v v
BREAKING NEWS:
NEVER take watermelon and soak the inside with everclear.
Side effects Include: shitfaced, nausea, laughter and new weird friends
v v v v v
3 Buck Bites | Cheap Eats for Food Lovers!
Huge selection of very yummy Happy Hour sushi rolls or 2-piece nigiri sushi for $3.99 each,
everyday from 5PM-7PM, and only $3.50 during Early ...more
BADVETTE87
The Crisis of Credit Visualized on Vimeo
The crisis of credit visualized - short and simple story
Eye Clock | Stylish cute things @ jars of cute
Check out this clock!
Uten.Silo Wall Organizer By Vitra | Stylish cute things @ jars of cute
Organizer -- I like!
ShaynaButtons
YouTube - Bruce Lee - high speed painting
Wow
butterfly tulips desktop wallpaper - organizational screen :: katie james
Very cool stuff here - desktop goodies - twitter backgrounds
If you aren't twittering, you should be - it can be fun
KP1983
Prevention.com - Slideshow - Beauty Bargains Under $20
When you're faced with a wall of beauty supplies, it is nice to know what is really worth the money.
We asked a group of top dermatologists to choose what they consider to
be the best face and body products for you and your wallet.
v v v v v
KP1983
TOP TEN INDICATORS
THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER
HEALTH CARE PLAN:
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
09. Directions to your doctor's office include,
"Take a left when you enter the trailer
park."
08. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
07. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
06. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is
"an apple a day."
05. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
04. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges," is not a typographical error.
03. The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
02. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
01. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and tape
v v v v v
v v v v v
You might be a liberal if you have posters of Michael Moore, Katie Couric,
Al Gore, and the Dixie Chicks hanging on your wall.
v v v v v
You might be a liberal if you do something green, like plant a tree, but refuse to
waste water and you let it of dehydration.
v v v v v
In 1900, a family with two or fewer servants was listed as lower middle class.
Wow, times have certainly changed.
v v v v v
The Top 16 Signs You're Not Cut Out for
Parenthood
16> You're really, really, REALLY into sex, sleep and money.
15> Your plan for paying for braces revolves around something
called a "trifecta."
14> You show your kids how to give back to the community --
by the side of the freeway in an orange jumpsuit.
13> You walk into the baby store and ask for the "crib with
the most bling, yo."
12> Other parents: getting on wait lists for all the right schools.
You: getting on the wait list for the Neverland Ranch.
11> The four basic food groups at your house: Licorice, Jim Beam,
Suzy Qs and Pall Malls.
10> "Breast pumps are expensive, honey. That thing we use on
the bike tires will work just fine."
9> The Gerber-filled dog dish is in the crib and the lullaby
CD is programmed on a loop -- you and the Mrs. are ready
for the Crue concert!
8> Other dads play baseball with their sons. You simply teach
Junior how to purchase and inject steroids.
7> You're the founder and sole proprietor of Dingoland.
6> You get tongue-tied when you try to say "For the love of
God, be quiet for 30 seconds while I take a crap!"
5> "It's all right, Honey, I washed her on the 'delicate' cycle!"
4> You really enjoy watching the birthing film -- backwards!
3> You're embarrassed to be seen with your 2-year-old daughter
because those designer diapers make her ass look fat.
2> Rather than shell out for toys, you told kids Santa
intentionally flew sleigh into skyscraper.
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Sign
You're Not Cut Out for
Parenthood...
1> "Make a poo-poo, do a shot!"
v v
v v v
Worms and Viruses
worldstart.com
Viruses are self-replicating programs that embed themselves into other programs, or even the operating system , and use the host to carry out its function. Unless it attaches itself to an email, a virus stays put on the victim's computer.
A worm is also a computer program that makes copies of itself. They spread from computer to computer (instead of file to file), infecting whole systems, using up resources in the affected computer, and causing heaps of damage. Worms penetrate the computer's memory from a network, find network addresses of other computers, then send their own copies to these addresses. Once launched, a worm can email itself to everyone in an address book or launch a trojan horse.
So, worms are designed to spread out to many computers while viruses generally stay put. Worms take over your computer while viruses destroy files.
Regardless of the differences, though, they are both destructive to your system.
~ Andrew
v v v v v
A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find
out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at
work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
v v v v v
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a
film location
in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed
through a guardrail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over,
and burst into flames. There were no injuries...
v v v v v
KP1983
Fleischmann's
Yeast Breadworld: Baking, Bread...
Crockpot
Recipes
Apple Recipes Diet
andnutrition information? Food Facts is here!
The Cookbook
Recipes
Online!
Culinary Café - Sandwiches
Busy
Cooks - 01/12/98
Dinner
Co-op Recipe Collection
Marilee's International Food
Links
v v v v v
Mr. Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi with his wife.
By the second day, they were
already fighting.
"Your dresses are too tight," he screamed. "You look like a
tramp!"
"Oh," she replied, "You want to see me in something long and
flowing?
If you find something long
and flowing, let me know and I'll get in it."
So he pushed her into the river.
v v v v v
harlmilligan
v v v v v
"It's been reported that a congressional aide caught a staph
infection at the congressional gym. If that's all you catch
from a congressman, you're lucky." -Jay Leno
v v v v v
I hope you'll take a few minutes for vote for my site!
Every day! But only once a day.
http://ezinefinder.com/index.html
v v v v v
My daughter is an electrical officer on a carrier. Recently
I asked her what her duties were. She answered, "To fix
electrical problems."
When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a
carrier, she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."
v v v v v
It was a sunny
Saturday morning on the course and he was
beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming
shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to
the men's tee!!"
Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious
to the interruption. Again the announcement:
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the
men's tee."
Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating,
when once more the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,
PLEASE!"
Finally our focused golfer stopped. He turned, looked
through the clubhouse window directly at the person with
the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the club-
house kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second
stroke?"
v v v v v
"On 'The View' Barbara Walters made a joke about a vibrator.
Thankfully, 'The View' is on in the morning before people
have eaten anything they can throw up." -Craig Ferguson
v v v v v
A Polar bear walks
into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin............................... and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
Two Polish men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented
a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but
without the camel.
The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and
screamed, "Where is my camel?"
They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept
hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!'
So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away."
v v v v v
Hungary is considering allowing solicitation
for prostitution in shopping malls, so
long
as the act itself is performed
elsewhere.
The Top 20 Names for the Mall Prostitution
Store
20> The Clap
19> Abercrombie & Bitch
18> The Great American Nookie Company
17> Rent 2 Moan
16> Foot Licker
15> Sam Goody Goody Goody Goody Goody
14> Mrs. Feels
13> DD Dalton
12> Victoria's Secretion
11> Sex 5th Avenue
10> J.C. Penis
9> Banana Repository
8> Buns and NoBra
7> Oral Julius
6> Crab-Free Eveyln
5> Bed, Bang and Begone
4> BJ Maxx
3> Sbarrho
2> Chick-Fel-8
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for the Mall Prostitution Store...
1> Twattery Barn
v v v v v
Just cause it's pretty
v v v v v
"Why did the senior partner drive his BMW 760Li across the street?
What, did you think he was going to *walk* to Starbucks?"
v v v v v
What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.
v v v v v
I was driving from Iowa City to Cedar Rapids the other day when a
tire blew out.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag
down
a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop
was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same
question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the
finger and
drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my
strategy,
since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few
Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful
blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
"Democrat!" I shouted..
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous
woman in the seat next to me, the wind
blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued
to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop
the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped,
I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied.
"I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw
somebody."
v v v v v
"After asking the wine steward for a bottle of 1991 cabernet
sauvignon, he returns with a chardonnay. 'Sir!' I exclaimed,
'Can't you clearly see we ordered the veal?' The steward then
coldly replied, 'Yes sir, but your wife drinks like a fish."
v v v v v
On Screen Keyboard
I'm not sure how many of you would like to use this, but I thought it would be a neat little idea to share with you all. Did you know that you can put a keyboard on your computer screen and actually type with it?
If that sounds interesting to you, then follow these directions. Go to Start, Run and type in "osk" (without the quotes). Click OK and a mini keyboard will pop up on your screen. Now, open up the program you want to write in and start clicking the letters on the keyboard with your mouse. The letters will appear and your typing will be done.
This may not be the quickest way to type, but if you like to use your mouse and you don't exactly like typing on the keyboard, this is perfect for you. Once you have the keyboard on your screen, you can even go to the Settings menu and choose your own font and size. There is also a sound option, so if you like to hear the keys clicking, choose "Use clicking sound." In the Keyboard menu, you can also choose the number of keys you would like to have displayed, between 101, 102 and 106.
Isn't that cool? I just used it to type this last sentence. Keep in mind that it might take you a little while to get acquainted with the keys on the on screen keyboard, but it's definitely worth a shot and it's kinda fun. There's also a Help menu if you need any further help figuring it all out.
Erin - Worldstart.com
v v v v v
A friend and his five-year-old son were heading home after a
soccer game.
Assuming the boy's subdued mood was due to his team's loss, my friend tried
to reassure him that he had done a good job, even though he had played in
only part of the game. "But, Dad," the boy said, "the
coach told me to sit out
for a quarter. And he hasn't paid me yet."
v v v v v
The Obamas are
expecting the arrival of the first dog in
April. Actually, this will be the Obamas' second choice of a
dog. The first dog had some tax problems
v v v v v
There's a new product out
for men who want to satisfy
their woman in the great outdoors, but don't want to
get chewed Up by mosquitos.
It's a combination of Viagra and insect repellent.
It's called "Fuck-Off"!!!
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
ron_stott
During the years that I was home with my three children, I occasionally had to handle banking business for our family-owned corporation. One of those times my youngest was only two weeks old and the older ones were three and four years old. With trepidation I entered the bank lobby with all three children in tow, hoping that they would behave appropriately for that business climate, and was dismayed to see several people in each teller's line.
As I held the baby, I swayed and bounced to keep her relaxed and quiet. After a few minutes, my four-year-old daughter, who was holding my skirt, looked up and asked, "Mommy, why are you doing that?"
Then, after a short pause, her face lit with revelation and she asked
knowingly, "Do you need to go potty?"
v v v v v
I'm not sure which is cooler, 10,000 tap-dancing midgets, or the
plight of the endangered Mongolian Snow Yak.
v v v v v
"The 10th annual Redneck Games were held this weekend in
East Dublin, Georgia. I think it's sponsored by the 'Jerry
Springer Show'. The events include bobbing for pigs feet,
the hubcap hurl...and my personal favorite, the 'name one
tattoo on the last relative you slept with'."
--Jay Leno
v v v v v
ron_stott
* Liquid soaps are convenient, clean and expensive! But if you
are trying to cut costs around the cost try buying a big bottle
of cheap bubble bath and use that instead. There's a decent
variety on the scents and it's milder than soap, but it's good
enough to wash her hands with! And the best part...it's cheaper!
* Don't throw away your old AA batteries from your
walkman when it starts to sound a bit rough. There is still
plenty of power in them to power a clock or doorbell for
six months or more.
* Get rid of that shed smell by cutting an onion in half and
leaving it on the shed bench. Tie a scarf around your mouth
to avoid inhaling harmful odors and dust.
v v v v v
v v v v v
Life is unfair.
I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them.
I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them.
I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them.
I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more!
v v v v v
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in a Vero Beach Adult
community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end
of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he
says
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single?"
v v v v v
KP1983
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority,
and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media,
which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up crap by the clean end
v v v v v
The Top 14 Favorite Country-Western Songs of Geek
(Part I)
14> My Woman Would've Left Me, If I'd Ever Had a Woman
13> Ring of Firewire
12> He Crashed My Hard Drive, So I Re-Booted Him
11> Code Writer's Daughter
10> Since Taking Down the Red and Green From Christmas,
My RGB Just Has the Blues
9> Will the Server Be Unbroken?
8> Biting Off Chicken Heads Ain't No Fun Without You (circus
geeks only)
7> Cray-zy
6> My Gal Wants 5-1/4 When All I've Got is 3-1/2
5> Goodbye URL
4> Stand By Your Socially Awkward, Emotionally Stunted
"Star Wars" Memorabilia Collector
3> Here's an AOL CD, IM Someone Who Cares
2> He's Up to His Old Graphics Tricks, But I Won't Be
Rendered a Fool
and Topfive.com's Number
1 Favorite
Country-Western
Song of Geeks...
1> She Turned My :) Into a :( When She LOL'ed at My 8===>
v v v v v
HowStuffWorks "Top 5 Safety Tips for Traveling With a Pet in the Car"
For most people, pets are family. The trusty dog or cat is always there –
curled up next to us when we watch television late at night, trotting next to us when we take a morning walk,
greeting us happily at the end of every workday. That's why many pet owners can't bear the thought of
leaving a pet behind for a vacation or weekend getaway.
We'd prefer to take them along.
HowStuffWorks "How often should I stop to walk my pet on a long car trip?"
There are few experiences as liberating as traveling on the open road
HowStuffWorks "10 Things to Pack When Traveling with a Pet"
One of the newest pet niches that's grown in recent years is pet travel.
Hotels, resorts and spas designed specifically for pets have sprung up.
9 Quick Tips to Pet-Proof Your Home - Right @ Home™ > You & Your Family > articles
Prevent your adorable furball from turning your home upside down
with chewing, scratching and accidents.
Common myths about pet food and nutrition
v v v v v
"There's a new study out that breast-feeding can boost your
IQ. I tried. It just made my nipples sore." -Craig Ferguson
v v v v v
The Top 15 Clever
Responses When
Your Kids Ask Where
Babies Come From
15> "You know Mommy's black dress? When Mommy puts it on,
and Daddy manages not to say anything stupid, babies can
happen."
14> "Well, honey, every once in a while the Viagra fairy comes to
visit and..."
13> "Think back to that time we caught you and your boyfriend on
the sofa, ya little tramp."
12> "Human babies? I wouldn't know."
11> "Apparently, from your father's secretary. Now shut up and
keep packing."
10> If you want to continue to keep them in the dark, use the
example of the adopted Chinese baby down the street. Work
in
a lot of technical mumbo jumbo about the intricacies of free
trade and the GATT, and after a while your kids will become
so confused, they'll stop asking such probing questions.
Hey, it works for our politicians.
9> "Mostly from Shawn Kemp."
8> "I've arranged for Father McFeely to spend a nice, private
evening explaining it to you."
7> "Babies come about as eddies in the primordial soup,
carbon-based hiccups on the long road to thermal death,
cruel hoaxes flung at us by a mirthless cosmos, twisted
dreams of-- Look! Clowns!!!"
6> Just declare Executive Privilege and label them unpatriotic
for asking.
5> "Can this wait until tomorrow, honey? Mommy's going to be
late for work at the sperm bank."
4> "From the unholy union of your mother and one of Satan's
minions."
3> "Well, Daddy rides a steam train into Mommy's tunnel, and the
train blows its whistle. When the whistle blows at
the right
time, Mommy gets a baby. Other times, Daddy's whistle
blows
too early and Mommy has to play with an electric train."
2> "If I knew that, sweetie, I'd send 'em back!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Clever
Response
When Your Kids Ask Where Babies Come
From...
1> "In your case, it was a quickie bent over the trunk of a '78
Monte Carlo in the parking lot at an Aerosmith concert with a
guy who had some dope I couldn't afford. Why do you
ask?"
v v v v v
v v v v v
My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car
stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked
the driver if we could help. No, he replied, there was no
trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. When we turned
back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the
open passenger-side front window of our car.
"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog
obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."
He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to
work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."
v v v v v
If women are so perfect at
multitasking, how come they can't have
a headache and sex at the same time?
v v v v v
An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews,
Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the
beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the
middle.
The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that
in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there
is a name for it in Scotland.
The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three."
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
Clean The Inside of Your Browser
Jerk Off
Amateur Screw
Amateur Screw
v v v v v
Rockin' and Rollin'
makes no endorsement or warranty,
expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.
Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
v v v v v
Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the
making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
v v v v v
©1999 - 2009 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin'
and Rollin'
v v v v v
