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Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's
time to ROCK AND ROLL!
- and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a
wild ride!
"I don't make jokes,
"Will Rogers once said truthfully. "I just watch
the government and report the facts."
v v v v v
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received
a visit
from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look
like
you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her
major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
v v v v v
submitted by:
HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
submitted by:
BADVETTE87
My
internist referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'
v v v v v
submitted by
indianagene
An Old Snake Goes To The Eye Doctor...
'Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days.' The Doc
fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The
Doc says, 'What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?'
'The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a
water hose the past 2 years!'
v v v v
v
submitted by:
HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v
v
The Top 7 Euphemisms for Vomiting
7> Discussing the Bush tax cut plan.
6> Oh, he ain't just UpChucking...he's doing a complete UpCharles!
5> Jailbreak from cellblock stomach.
4> Surfing with the porcelain browser
3> Buying the round-trip meal ticket
2> Opening the Pod Bay Door.
and the Number 1 Euphemism for Vomiting...
1> Reformatting the stomach drive.
v v v v v
"Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good
opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts."
Finley Peter Dunne
v v v v v
submitted by:
HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic
of the Internet.
Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard,
Nancy's mother thought for a minute, then responded,
"How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
v v v v v
Our doctors and lawyers can always agree that
the best things in life are fees.
v v v v v
For some reason, the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognize my
preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said,
"There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 12/31/1899."
"That's right," my husband chimed in. "She was born in June not
December."
v v v v v
v v v v v
"Halloween is coming up. Last year I ran out of candy by
seven. I had to pass out old Sucrets I found in the bath-
room. After that I gave out Lipitor."
Dave Letterman
v v v v v
submitted by:
ron_stott
Handy Hints #1:
I thought you might like this hint. When changing clothing
from season to season, hang your clothing inside out to
keep dust from leeching the colors out of the material.
Handy Hints #2:
To keep your washing machine new, every few months fill the
machine with warm water and a pint of vinegar. This will clean
out the hoses and stop clogging.
Cleaning Smears and Finger
Prints Off the Refrigerator
Make a mixture
of half vinegar and half water. Dip an old clean terry towel in it and
then wipe over the dirty areas to remove dirt, smears and fingerprints.
Cleaning Outdoor Vinyl
Seat Cushions
Pour about
1/4 cup of baking soda into a quart of warm water.
Scrub the dirty cushions with this mixture, rinse well and wipe dry.
v v v v v
"The new candies get their names from things people exclaim,
like, "Bonkers!" or "Nerds!" And I got to
thinking...wouldn't
it be funny if they based a line of candy on something my dad
exclaims frequently? I don't know about you, but I'd get a
kick out of candy called, 'Where's the Damned Scotch!'"
Bob Oshack
v v v v v
An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination
by Elizabeth McCracken
"This is the happiest story in the world with the saddest ending," writes Elizabeth McCracken in her powerful,
inspiring memoir. A prize-winning, successful novelist in her 30s, McCracken was happy to be an
itinerant writer and self-proclaimed spinster. But suddenly she fell in love, got married,
and two years ago was living in a remote part of France,
working
on her novel, and waiting for the birth of her first child.
This audio book is about what happened next.
Hmmm normally a book like this would evoke sadness and tears! Maybe
it's just me, but I felt pretty much nothing except a bit of anxiety trying
to finish this book! Not recommending this one!
LOVE ME, LOVE MY BOOKS | More Intelligent Life
Some books are so dear, so essential, that if a potential partner finds it risible,
any meeting of the minds (or body) is impossible, writes Molly Flatt ...
v v v v v
submitted by:
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
submitted by:
BADVETTE87
Alzheimer's Test
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the
School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
v v v v v
Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that
locket of yours?"
Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."
Friend: "But your husband is still alive."
Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."
v v v v v
Chocolate Coffee Shake
1 shot dark Creme de Cocoa
1/2 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
1 shot Kahlua
1 shot milk or 1 small scoop vanilla ice cream
1 chocolate candy bar (optional)
1 scoop ice
BLEND WELL - Garnish with cherry
Pink Tequila
- 1 1/2 oz Tequila
- 1 oz Dry Vermouth
- 1
dash Grenadine
Mix ingredients in a shaker with ice and strain into cocktail glass.
v v v v v
"Today,
the House of Representatives voted against the Wall
Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John
Boehner called 'a crap sandwich.' Congress hasn't given up —
they're already working on a new plan they call 'a crap sandwich with
cheese.'"
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
Our pastor
was winding down the service. In the back of the
church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church
hall and prepare snacks for the congregation. Seeing them
rise, Pastor Michael singled them out for praise. "Before
they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big
hand in the rear."
v v v v v
submitted by:
DeVulcano
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function;
but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research,
implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product,
he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'
'You're with the GOVERNMENT..This time I KNOW
I'M gonna get screwed.'
v v v v v
v v v v v
submitted by:
ron_stott
A Sunday-school teacher
was trying to explain about saying grace
before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of
that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry,
what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
And Jerry answered, "He says 'Go easy on the butter, kids -- it's
forty cents a pound!'"
v v v v v
"Political experts say that if a new version of the economic
bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going
to have to be made. For instance, Congress is going to remove
the section of the plan that says: 'Sweet Jesus, please let
this work!'"
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
The Top 7 Perks of
Being the Parent of a President
7> Not only can you ride on Air Force One, but you've got
unlimited access to the honey-roasted peanuts.
6> Hilarity ensues each time the Secret Service reacts to your
old Ford backfiring.
5> Nobody *else* on your block gets a U.S. Marine Corps response
to a barking dog in the middle of the night.
4> Other seniors walk around the home with nicknames like "Gummy"
and "Drooly," whereas you're "SilverFox."
3> Anybody want to debate who *really* got CBS to change its
mind about cancelling "The Price Is Right"?
2> You can advance your own political agenda just by threatening
to send those pictures of him in his Underoos to The New York
Times.
and the Number 1 Perk of Being the Parent of a President...
1> A lifetime claim to bridge-club bragging rights; so take
*that*, Mavis Turtlebaum and your know-it-all dentist son!
v v v v v
Labs with a Nose for the Law
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/Labs-with-a-Nose-for-the-Law.id-25.html?cid=articleFeature
Most people think of police and military dogs as German Shepherd
dogs, but Labrador Retrievers are great at these jobs, too. All
dogs have a keen sense of smell, and recognizing scents is a big
part of retrieving. Dogs can be trained to detect any number of
scents. More at site
v v v v v
submitted by:
shaynabuttons
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
v v v v v
iPhone Cupcakes, Winner of The Cupcake Decorating Championship | Laughing Squid
So very cool
submitted by: ron_stott
1. HER LITTLE PARADISE | More Intelligent Life
Over 200 lots of rare and collectible trees will be sold in what is
believed to be the first sale of its kind in Europe or America ...
2. Craziest Hats | Funtasticus.com
Think some of these ladies just got utterly bored with their wardrobe and decided,
‘Hey why don’t I just get the craziest things I can find and stick it on my head?”
What is the purpose of ANYTHING?
There are a whole lot of other things people wonder about. Why are there fleas,
ticks, rats, sharks, tapeworms? What we must realize is that all these beings have a purpose,
and that purpose is not always to serve humans, or anyone. In fact, everything has one purpose,
and one purpose only. The purpose of everything is simply to make more of themselves.
The purpose of everything is reproduction. Nothing cares if people appreciate their existence,
or have a use for them. Even Mosquitoes, Flies, Weeds, Spiders, Ants, and Mold.
They ONLY exist to survive and replicate themselves for the continuation of the species.
Watch and weep -- shame on them
v v v v v
"Sarah Palin is at John McCain's house in Arizona getting
ready for the debate with Joe Biden. Isn't it a little
weird that she is getting ready at his house? Maybe the
whole running-mate thing was a scheme to get her into bed.
Maybe McCain saw her picture in a LensCrafters magazine
and thought, Let me get a hold of that.'"
Jimmy Kimmel
v v v v v
A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat
by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure
on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit
the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
You'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical
problem.
Daily thought: Some people are like Slinkies...not really
good for much but they bring a smile to your face when
pushed down the stairs.
v v v v v
submitted by:
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
"Sarah Palin was in New York at the U.N. to meet world leaders.
Previously,
her world experience has been limited to visiting the Epcot Center in
Orlando."
As you know, John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama
until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin wants to
suspend her debate with Joe Biden until he can find Europe on a map.
v v v v v
v v v v v
Drafting Guys Over 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I am too old to track down
terrorists. You cannot be older than 42 to join the military.
They have the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year
olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You should not be
able to join a military unit until you are at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old
guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more
than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys have not lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I cannot sleep, I am
tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some
asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and
shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said,
"I am tired and cannot sleep and since I am already up, I may as well
be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."
If captured we could not spill the beans because we would forget
where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be
a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We are used to being screamed
and yelled at, and we are used to soft food. We have also developed
an appreciation for guns. We have been using them for years as an
excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course,
however. I have been
in combat and did not see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging
over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic
training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New Army now, "Get down
and give me ... ER ... One."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I have
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He is still learning
to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still
has not figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his
eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a
little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of
million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons
who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we will have it secured
the first night!
v v v v v
submitted by:
FLR2D2
When people have computer crashes (not hard drive crashes) like I did and also my friend did,
you can retrieve data by getting a hard drive enclosure for $20. Mine is a 3.5 USB 2.0 Hard Drive Enclosure.
It allows you to remove the hard drive from the old PC, and put it in the enclosure,
and hook it up to a new PC with USB cable to retrieve data and pictures like any external drive
What is a Hard Drive Enclosure?
How Do I Transfer Data from a Computer to an External Hard Drive?
v v v v v
I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's
been married a little over four years. He told me he was
celebrating his 'Wooden' anniversary.
I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was.
He said, "I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden."
v v v v v
Why Some Women Have Cats and Not Husbands
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.
3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where
she is.
4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.
5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.
6. When a cat comes in at midnight, it doesn't wake you up by
smashing into the furniture.
7. Cats never pretend they know how to set the clock in the VCR.
8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.
9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.
10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much cellulite
you have.
11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.
v v v v v
akapost - A Simple Way to Keep Your Email Address Private
Yet another way to keep your email identity private.
akapost is a simple way to protect your email identity from being exposed on the
Internet.With akapost, you can send and receive email from any of your email accounts
but still keep your actual email address private.
akapost works with any email client or device such as computer,
cell phone, or handheld, etc. No software download or installation is required.
Simply sign up and register your email address, it's ready to go.
Emphasizing
Spyware Importance to Users
Users need to know at least on a rudimentary level
what spyware is all about. The reason for this is that
spyware-blocking tools are not 100 percent effective, so
diligence on the part of users is another important factor that
helps prevent spyware from breaking into your environment. More
v v v v v
The Top 9 Worst Places at
Disneyland
for Consummating
a Relationship
9> The Hall of Presidents: Kennedy and Clinton keep hitting on
your date.
8> Don't do anything that requires Astroglide in the Spinning
Teacups ride. And if you do, you have to beat 38'9".
Management
says I've got the record.
7> Near the on/off switch for Walt's cryogenic chamber.
6> The back seat of a car on "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride."
5> All that bouncing snapped the cable on the Sky Buckets.
4> Goofy's Bounce House requires either amazing teamwork or superglue.
3> Near any of those "You must be this tall to ride" signs, but
only if you're a midget.
2> You *did* cause a 20-car pile-up on the Autopia Speedway.
and the Number 1 Worst Place at
Disneyland
to Consummate a
Relationship...
1> Inside the Goofy costume.
v v v v v
"Whoever said the pen is mightier
than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
Gen. MacArthur
v v v v v
The age disparity between the two candidates in the upcoming
election is significant. John McCain is 71 years old. By contrast,
Barack Obama is 322 years old in dog years.
v v v v v
submitted by:
HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
I've often been asked, "What do
you old folks do now that you're
retired?"
Well, I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical
engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is
turning beer, wine, bourbon and martinis into urine.
And we're pretty damn good at it too!
v v v v v
SWEET POTATO & APPLE BAKE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 large (1/4 lb) sweet potato
3 medium Golden Delicious apples
1 teaspoons lemon juice
1 large leek
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine, softened
1/4 teaspoon Salt
1/8 teaspoon ground pepper
1/4 cups apple juice
2 tablespoons unseasoned bread crumbs
1 tablespoon brown sugar
DIRECTIONS:
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Peel and thinly slice sweet potato.
Peel, core, and cut apples into 1/4-inch-thick slices. Place
apples in bowl and add water to cover; add lemon Juice. Trim
off top of leek 1 inch above white; discard top and root end.
Cut leek lengthwise in half and clean well under running cold
water. Thlnly slice leek crosswise. Drain apples well; pat
dry. Grease 1 1/2-quart casserole with 1 table- spoon butter.
Place one third of apples in bottom of casserole; top with
one third of leek slices and one third of sweet potato.
Season with salt and pepper. Repeat to make 2 more layers.
Dot top of casserole with 2 tablespoons butter; pour apple
juice over all. Cover tightly with lid or aluminum foil and
bake 45 minutes. Meanwhile, to make topping, in small sauce-
pan, melt remaining 1 ta- blespoon butter; stir in bread
crumbs and brown sugar until well combined. Uncover casserole
and sprinkle with topping. Bake uncovered 10 to 15 minutes
longer or until potato slices are tender. Serve immediately.
Yield: 6 Servings
v v v v v
Time wasters just for you!
How quickly can you combine pictures and letters to create words?
Each level offers fun pictures which you must blend with letters to fill out the word list.
Solve them all to earn bonus points as you play though hundreds of exciting levels!
See if you can earn even more points for finding the longest words,
fastest solutions and staying away from hints
v v v v v
submitted by:
BADVETTE87
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said
to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did
they come from?"
"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"But where are the glaciers?"
"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone
back for more rocks."
v v v v v
submitted by:
HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
The Top 5 Other Medicinal Uses for Beer
5> It's the quicker upper-chucker!
4> It's great practice for those of us who will get Alzheimer's
Disease.
3> It's great with pizza and tomato sauce and contains
anti-oxidants. Okay, I admit it, I'm reaching!
2> Consumption increases a girl's chances of getting pregnant.
and the Number 1 Other Medicinal Use for Beer...
1> Sedative, painkiller, muscle relaxant, hormone enhancer...
um, hello?!?! What is this stuff NOT good for?
v v v v v
Do you frequently use DVDs on your computer?
If so, has one ever gotten stuck in your DVD ROM drive? What did you do?
Did you press the Eject button several times with no results?
Or, perhaps you tried rebooting your computer, but the DVD drive remained shut.
What a nightmare! So, is there anything else you can do?
Well, first of all, don’t panic! This type of thing happens all the time and everyone's been there.
Luckily, there are a few things you can do for an easy fix.
Below are a few steps you can go through to resolve your stuck DVD issue.
Let's check them out, shall we?!
Step 1
First, find the My Computer icon on your desktop and double click on it.
(If you don't have an icon on your desktop, you can find it under the Start menu).
Step 2
Once you have it open, you'll see all the drives that are on your computer.
Look for the one labeled "Removable" and right click on it. If you're not sure which one it is,
a good clue is the name, logo or icon of the DVD that's stuck.
Or, you
can use the trial and error method for the removable drives on your computer.
Step 3
You will then get a drop down menu with a list of options.
Find and click on Eject. In most cases, steps one through three will solve your problem.
It's likely that the Eject button on your computer case is wearing down and you just need an
alternative way to get it open. If that doesn’t work though,
continue on to the next step.
Step 4
Get a paperclip and unwind one end of it. Stretch it so that you get a straight needle like tool.
On the outside of the DVD drive, you should see a small hole where the DVD is stuck.
Poke it with the paperclip and then try to hit the Eject button again.
That should release the internal lock. If you haven't used the DVD drive for awhile,
it can lock up and pushing the paperclip through the hole will release the lock.
If that still doesn’t work, keep going!
Step 5
Shut down your computer and unplug it. (Yes, make sure it is completely unplugged).
If it's not, you could end up hurting your computer or even yourself.
Step 6
Once your computer is turned off and unplugged, you can begin.
Get a flat screwdriver and gently pry open the door to the DVD drive.
Once the tip of the screwdriver is under the door, pull very gently, but firmly.
Since the drive is operated by plastic gears, fast jerking motions could break the teeth
of the gears and render your drive inoperable. But if you pull slowly and firmly,
the drive
will creep open. You are simply activating the gears manually.
Step 7
Take out the DVD and visually inspect the drive. Is there a lot of dirt and dust in there?
You should also check the edges for sticky black goo that could have come from spilled sodas,
coffee or other sweet drinks. If it looks dirty, clean it with a can of compressed air and an anti-static cloth.
If it looks sticky, wipe it off with a slightly moistened and non-abrasive cloth.
Then dry it off with a soft, lint free rag.
Step 8
Plug your computer back in and once it's rebooted, press the Eject button one more time.
The tray should go back in on its own. If it doesn’t, try giving it a very gentle push to motivate it.
If it does go back in, you're good to go. However, if it still doesn't work, you may need to take your
PC to a repair shop or buy a new drive. Either way,
I wish you the best of luck with getting your DVDs unstuck!
~ Cory Buford
worldstart.com
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One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman
said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?"
"No," replied the boy.
Just then, the dog bit the mailman.
"Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't," replied the boy, "but that's not my dog."
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submitted by:
HOOSIER-HUNK
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I bumped into a friend of mine that I haven't seen since high
school. We were close back then. We almost went to the same college,
but my grades weren't really up to snuff.
When she went away to college she wrote me and told me that she
was going to fulfill her dream of becoming a thespian.
When I bumped into her the other day I asked her how that thespian
thing was going. She said it was the best. She even gave me tickets
to this play that she was in and I happily accepted. She said that
we should get dinner afterwards and catch up.
I hope that I get to meet her thespian girlfriend at
dinner. Thespians are hot!
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submitted by:
ron_stott
A Sunday-school teacher
was trying to explain about saying grace
before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of
that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry,
what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
And Jerry answered, "He says 'Go easy on the butter, kids -- it's
forty cents a pound!'"
v v v v v
"Political experts say that if a new version of the economic
bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going
to have to be made. For instance, Congress is going to remove
the section of the plan that says: 'Sweet Jesus, please let
this work!'"
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
The Top 7 Perks of
Being the Parent of a President
7> Not only can you ride on Air Force One, but you've got
unlimited access to the honey-roasted peanuts.
6> Hilarity ensues each time the Secret Service reacts to your
old Ford backfiring.
5> Nobody *else* on your block gets a U.S. Marine Corps response
to a barking dog in the middle of the night.
4> Other seniors walk around the home with nicknames like "Gummy"
and "Drooly," whereas you're "SilverFox."
3> Anybody want to debate who *really* got CBS to change its
mind about cancelling "The Price Is Right"?
2> You can advance your own political agenda just by threatening
to send those pictures of him in his Underoos to The New York
Times.
and the Number 1 Perk of Being the Parent of a President...
1> A lifetime claim to bridge-club bragging rights; so take
*that*, Mavis Turtlebaum and your know-it-all dentist son!
v v v v v
submitted by:
HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
"Sarah Palin is at John McCain's house in Arizona getting
ready for the debate with Joe Biden. Isn't it a little
weird that she is getting ready at his house? Maybe the
whole running-mate thing was a scheme to get her into bed.
Maybe McCain saw her picture in a LensCrafters magazine
and thought, Let me get a hold of that.'"
Jimmy Kimmel
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A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat
by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure
on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit
the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
You'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical
problem.
Daily thought: Some people are like Slinkies...not really
good for much but they bring a smile to your face when
pushed down the stairs.
v v v v v
One day Danny was doing his homework. He was up to spelling and
he needed to spell harassment. His teacher told him to have a
parent recite the words so they can practice writing it so Danny
looks up to his mother and says, "Mom, how do you spell harassment?"
His mother replies, "You know I can't tell you. Just sound it out."
With that Danny wrote down on the paper. The next day at school
Danny's teacher calls him to the front of the class and asks him
to use harassment in a sentence. Danny holds his paper up to his
face and looks down at number 10. "Her ass meant so much to me."
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v v v v v
Australian servicemen and women are being offered free plastic
surgery, including breast enlargements, on the taxpayer.
Reports that all branches of the military and their families can get
face-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs for free.
"Anyone wearing a uniform is eligible," Dr Fuddle, chief of plastic
surgery," said.
News reports quoted an army spokesperson as saying, "The surgeons
have to have someone to practice on."
v v v v v
Drafting Guys Over 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I am too old to track down
terrorists. You cannot be older than 42 to join the military.
They have the whole thing ass backwards. Instead of sending 18-year
olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You should not be
able to join a military unit until you are at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old
guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more
than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys have not lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I cannot sleep, I am
tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some
asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and
shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said,
"I am tired and cannot sleep and since I am already up, I may as well
be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."
If captured we could not spill the beans because we would forget
where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be
a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We are used to being screamed
and yelled at, and we are used to soft food. We have also developed
an appreciation for guns. We have been using them for years as an
excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I have been
in combat and did not see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging
over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic
training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the New Army now, "Get down
and give me ... ER ... One."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I have
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He is still learning
to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still
has not figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his
eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a
little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of
million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons
who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol...we will have it secured
the first night!
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v v v v v
submitted by:
ron_stott
A
Sunday-school teacher was trying to explain about saying grace
before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of
that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry,
what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
And Jerry answered, "He says 'Go easy on the butter, kids -- it's
forty cents a pound!'"
v v v v v
"Political experts say that if a new version of the economic
bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going
to have to be made. For instance, Congress is going to remove
the section of the plan that says: 'Sweet Jesus, please let
this work!'"
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
submitted by:
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
submitted by:
shaynabuttons
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too'
v v v v v
"Sarah Palin was in New York at the U.N. to meet world leaders.
Previously,
her world experience has been limited to visiting the Epcot Center in
Orlando."
As you know, John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until
the economic crisis is over.
And Sarah Palin wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until he can find Europe on a map.
v v v v v
v v v v v
submitted by:
FLR2D2
When people have computer crashes (not hard drive crashes)
like I did and also my friend did, you can retrieve data by getting a hard drive enclosure for $20.
Mine is a 3.5 USB 2.0 Hard Drive Enclosure. It allows you to remove the hard drive from the old PC,
and put it in the enclosure, and hook it up to a new PC with USB
cable to retrieve data and pictures like any external drive
What is a Hard Drive Enclosure?
How Do I Transfer Data from a Computer to an External Hard Drive?
v v v v v
I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's
been married a little over four years. He told me he was
celebrating his 'Wooden' anniversary.
I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was.
He said, "I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden."
v v v v v
Why Some Women Have Cats and Not Husbands
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.
3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where
she is.
4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.
5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.
6. When a cat comes in at midnight, it doesn't wake you up by
smashing into the furniture.
7. Cats never pretend they know how to set the clock in the VCR.
8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.
9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.
10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much cellulite
you have.
11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.
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Sweet & Juicy
Hot Action
Which One
Sky View
Footsie
CurlyDavid Fan
Cheese Whiz
Real Men
He Loves Me
Groucho
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty,
expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.
Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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v v v v v another one already in the making! So meet us back
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