Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, Kittykab
LOSS
It was impossible to smile last week. My youngest daughter
was told that she was losing her baby - miscarriage - after trying to get
pregnant for quite some time. As of this writing, the baby has
been lost. On a positive note, they are going to try again.
It's amazing how one can love a baby one has never
even met. We are devastated. So... here are a few things
I got together for you - I hope you'll enjoy.
Thank you so much to those of you who wrote me - It means a lot
to me!! You are such good friends.
Hold close - those you love
Don't miss the INTERNET SECURITY section –
real virus out there wreaking
havoc on a lot of computer systems!
Oh and in the SURFIN' section you'll find the latest in browsers:
Google Chrome!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED from this
mailing list, please send an email
to me at AOL and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause
darlin' it's time to ROCK
AND ROLL!
- and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts,
cause it's going to be a wild ride!
CaringBridge. Free Websites That Support And Connect Loved Ones During Critical Illness.
CaringBridge® is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit web service that connects family and friends during a critical illness,
treatment or recovery. A CaringBridge website is personal, private and available 24/7.
It helps ease the burden of keeping family and friends informed.
Patients and caregivers draw strength from loved ones’ messages of support.
blippr: radically short ratings and reviews - blippr [beta]
These days, it is getting more and more expensive to see a movie.
Books, games and music are also expensive.
So, you probably do a little research before you shell out hard-earned cash.
You'll find no shortage of reviews online. There's just one problem with online reviews.
Many would benefit from the attention of a good editor.
Fortunately, you don't need to put up with long, rambling reviews.
Just visit blippr.blippr takes a page from text messaging. The reviews are limited to 160 characters.
That means they quickly get to the point! kkomando.com
submitted by: lg1
YouTube - 1988 Paul Hunt gymnastics comedy beam routine
Ha! Don't miss this one
submitted by: shaynabuttons
YouTube - Conan O'Brien - ''Pilobolus''
Totally cool -- don't miss this!
Invitations, party planning, party ideas at purpletrail.com - online or mobile
PurpleTrail is a brand new way to organize and manage parties, get-togethers, events and meetings.
With its fresh perspective, PurpleTrail brings together some of the best features and
experiences to help you easily manage your event.
submitted by: sammy562
A nice sentiment we should all think about
When you see a product you like, add it to your shopping list.
We'll watch the product for you. As soon as it goes on sale,
we'll send you an email with the sale price.
While you wait, you can also get email from us with items on sale that you might like
Food waste - Lovefoodhatewaste.com - Tips and recipes to reduce food waste - Love Food Hate Waste
Do you cook too much food? Meal making and food facts.
Top chefs take on leftovers. Why cutting food waste matters - and tons more info
Bubble Trouble - Games at Miniclip.com - Play Free Games
Can you clear all the bubbles and get out of trouble?
Diner Dash Game - Free online Games
Think it's tough being a waitress?
** Google Chrome is insanely fast … faster than Firefox 3.0 | Hardware 2.0 | ZDNet.com
Google Chrome: Steal this browser | Ed Burnette’s Dev Connection | ZDNet.com
Google announced a new web browser today called Chrome. Analysts who wonder if this spells
“doom” for Firefox, or if it’s an “IE killer” are missing the point. Like Gears,
Chrome is Google’s latest attempt to lead by example,
and push the envelope of the web experience.
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
A professor at the University of Tennessee was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hands.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
3 students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says,
'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big Arkansas redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiiit! , from way back thar I thought you said, 'Goats'.
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
"The Democratic Convention is underway in Denver. Thousands
of pounds of confetti, hats, and hookers have been shipped in."
-Jimmy Kimmel
v v v v v
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a
sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says,
"Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was
contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to
try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and
my dad said it would take the contagious."
v v v v v
Startup and Shutdown Jingles
Do you ever get tired of the startup and shutdown jingle that plays on your Windows XP or Vista computer?
If you said yes, here's a better solution! Now, you can use your favorite song or
dialogue for your PC’s shutdown and startup music.
It can be done with four simple steps, so let's get right to it!
Step 1
Choose the track you want to play during your computer's startup and shutdown times.
The only limitations are that it should be in the .WAV format and the size of the file shouldn't be too big.
You should keep it within 1 MB or your startup time will be much longer.
If the file you want to use is not in the .WAV format, you can easily
convert it by using a file converter.
Step 2
Next, rename the files as “Windows XP (or Vista) Startup.WAV” and
“Windows XP (or Vista) Shutdown.WAV,” respectively.
Step 3
Now, go to C:\WINDOWS\MEDIA and you will find your new files listed there.
Go ahead and move them to another location of your choice.
That's required, just in case you need to revert back to those files at any time.
They'll be much easier to find if you put them somewhere you can easily remember.
Step 4
To move them, just copy and paste them into the new location.
That's it. Now, you can enjoy a new sound every time you
start and shut down your computer!
So, I guess there's just one thing left to ask:
What will you use for your new startup and shutdown jingle?!
~ Ramachandran Kumaraswami
v v v v v
In a
recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most
likely to have had sex in the shower.
In the survey, carried out by Brut, a huge 86% of Detroit residents
said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison, yet.
v v v v v
Paris Hilton's mother is angry that John McCain put Paris in his
campaign video. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris has
been in, this is the one Mom's upset about?
Jay Leno
v v v v v
Instrument Flying
Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but
are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this
form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely
simple method, which may be used by all.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains
upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball
instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if
a wing is low and, if so, which one. This will enable you to your
aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.
A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing. Because
of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under
instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of
the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by
rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success
will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish
your passengers as well, and may leave an occasional tower operator
with an open mouth.
** Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the
time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the
cat at attention.
** Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all the time
washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow
roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most
unprofessional.
** Old cats are the best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old
used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and
will be more dependable.
** Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you
may want to spend time with her.
** Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are
using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the
aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than
you are.
** Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to
recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into
the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that
they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting
position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.
** Choose your duck carefully; it is easy to confuse ducks with
geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent
instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction
that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland
or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.
One day a
scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to popular
belief, blondes were actually smart. To prove his theory he
gathered a huge convention of blondes. He chose one lady
out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.
"What is 12x11?"
"120?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"
"25?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"
The blonde ventured "4?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
v v v v v
A man is
having a beer with his buddies at the bar and tells them,
"I'm divorcing my wife because she has disgusting habits. I went to
piss in the sink this morning and it was still full of dirty
dishes..."
v v v v v
submitted by: mmirkwood
I was depressed last night so I called the Depression Hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
v v v v v
What
Dogs Are at Risk for Cancer?
Although dogs of any breed — or mix — can develop
cancer, certain breeds are more likely to develop different forms
of cancer. For example, English Setters are among the breeds that
appear predisposed to developing breast cancer, and Boxers are
one of the breeds that have higher odds of developing mast cell
cancer (a kind of skin cancer), compared to the overall canine
population. More at site
A dog's gums are normally pink, and any significant deviation from
this color can signify a
health issue that requires a vet's attention right away.
Here's a list of some unusual gum colors and what they can mean:
20 Vets and dog experts - ask a dog question - get an answer!
v v v v v
submitted by: indianagene
v v v v v
The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University
calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was "Political Correctness".
The winner wrote:
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a
delusional, illogical minority,
and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
v v v v v
A
man approached his friend and said, "Say Adam, you want to hit the
golf course this afternoon?"
"Sorry, I can't," came the reply.
"Why not?" he asked.
He responded, "my doctor told me I can't play."
"Oh," said the friend, "so he's been out with you
too?"
v v v v v
ZESTY
CHILLED CUCUMBER SLICES
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1-3/4 cups and 2 tablespoons sliced cucumber
1/4 cup and 1 tablespoon sliced onion
1/4 cup and 1 tablespoon sliced green bell pepper
1-3/4 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon celery seed
1/4 cup and 1 tablespoon distilled white vinegar
1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons white sugar
DIRECTIONS:
In a mixing bowl, combine the cucumber slices, onions,
and green peppers. In a saucepan over medium heat,
combine the salt, celery seed, vinegar and sugar. Bring
the mixture to a boil. Allow the mixture to cool for 10
to 15 minutes. Combine the mixture in the mixing bowl
with the mixture in the saucepan. Pack into sterile jars
and refrigerate for 24 hours.
Categories: Vegetables, Side Dishes
v v v v v
submitted by: FL R2D2
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
AN ACTUAL LETTER TO THE PASSPORT OFFICE
Dear sir,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal
Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've
filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my
driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all
those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being
allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded
if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT!
I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my address. What is going on? You have a
gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do
I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit
sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would
someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on
visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell
not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to
the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth
certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all
the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new
passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes
sense. You'd rather have us running all over the damn
place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to
confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one
where we're not allowed to smile?! morons)
The language may be a little offensive!! JOHN
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had
security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone
'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO
WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!
Sincerely,
You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
submitted by: lg1
Siamese twins walk into a pub in
Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'. The barkeeper,
feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring
the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and
hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons
beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so
arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the barkeeper.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
v v v v v
Waikiki Beach
3/4 oz Triple Sec
3/4 oz Gin
1 tblsp Pineapple juice
Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail
glass, and serve.
Zipper
1/2 oz Tequila
1/4 oz Grand Marnier
1/4 oz Cream
Combine all ingredients in a shaker with ice
and stir to chill. Strain into shot glass
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
Hey Friends,
Just a couple of reminders about Thursday Night at the Lube.
The BIG Jackpot is still holding at $500 until someone draws the joker and the number of
cards left in the deck is probably under twenty (just guessing).
The second Jackpot game is now $125 and growing.
These with the 50/50, VIP award, the &50 Diner Award gives
plenty of chances to win a cash prize,
not to mention some great new styled awards, picture perfect award,
door prizes or the very special Hubcap Award.
We are at the Lube Rain or Shine. If we get rain we just hang out and give
away some prizes and visit our friends.
This isn't just your run of the mill car show, this is a friendship
building experience for everyone.
It's not just the cars, awards, prizes, ETC., It's the location.
The Lube is the idea setting for a car show,
the atmosphere says it all. Great Cars, Great People all in one place.
I want to thank all of you who are the (REGULARS) that support me and 12 years of
Thursday Nights at many locations.
I want to invite everyone else to become a regular.
Thursday Night car shows are a continuation of The Block Party,
this is how Jim and I raise funds to help
with our mission trips with the Church of the Ascension.
We have completed 3 year commitments to the
Wind River Indian Reservation and 3 years in the Dominican Republic.
Our new 2-3 year mission project will be to Eastern Kentucky and Tennessee.
We will be working with the very poor and suppressed communities of the Appalachians.
Watch for more information on this trip in upcoming letters.
Thanks for all your support,
Larry and Jim
v v v v v
My Indian Name:
Runs With Beer
v v v v v
submitted by: indianagene
REAL Computer Virus Warning
UPS/FEDEX delivery failure
The newest virus circulating is the 'UPS/FEDEX Delivery Failure'.
You will
receive an email purportedly from UPS Packet Service along with a packet
number.
NOTE: the word packet is misspelled as 'paket' on this line. It will say that they were
unable to deliver a package sent to you on such and such date. It then
asks you to print out the invoice copy attacked. DON'T try to print this!
It launches the virus!
Pass this warning on to all PC operators at work and home. This virus has
caused millions of dollars in damage in the past few days.
SNOPES.COM
confirms it
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/ups.asp
v v v v v
The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself.
He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see,
at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just
seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.
The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.
"50 quid" comes the reply.
"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you
perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The
following week,
the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house,
admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who
does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job,"
replies the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"
"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you
coming."
v v v v v
Where
do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them
on my PC?
Answer: The characters go to different places, depending on who
you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly,
and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will
be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny
characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers,
numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become
upper-case letters.
The 20th century bitter cynical nihilist's explanation: Who
cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted,
undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC
and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC,
you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC
hell too.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Delete) key
you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor,
unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats
them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church's explanation: The nice characters go to
Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty
characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are
those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast,"
"sex" and "contraception."
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to
Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling;
this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations
are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only
on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them
is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been deleting them??? Can't you hear them screaming??? Why
don't you go club some baby seals while wearing a mink, you pig!!!
v v v v v
submitted by: indianagene
v v v v v
Redneck Etiquette
Ears: While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's own truck keys. (NOTE: Keys
must also be cleaned regularly, because ear wax buildup can short
circuit a starter switch.)
Brushing & Flossing:
Scientists have proven that the use of a
toothbrush (and toothpaste when available) can help people keep
their teeth into their thirties and even beyond. Dental floss, the
modern equivalent of broom straw, is also helpful. A lightweight
monofilament fishing line works just as well. Remove lures first.
Manicures and Pedicures:
Dirt and grease under the nails is a social
no no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter
the taste of finger foods. Corns and calluses can be removed using
a common potato peeler, remember never to cut against the grain.
Hair Care
(FOR MEN) Contrary to popular belief, dandruff is not an incurable
disease. Rubbing motor oil into the scalp once a week will turn
the flakes dark and then they will not be noticeable.
If you can't afford hair tonic, brake fluid holds the hair in
place and gives it a dark, Elvis like sheen.
(FOR WOMEN) While a tall hive of hair is the current rage, it can
be an open invitation to bees and hornets. A 50/50 mixture of Black
Flag and hairspray can prove to be a girl's best summertime friend.
Driving:
When approaching a four way stop, remember
that the
vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, remember that
it is impolite to ask her to bring back a beer.
Remember that the median is not a passing lane.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
v v v v v
My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble
finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they
each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never
completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked
her how she managed that.
"Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore
first,
and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened
by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton,
how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
v v v v v
When
I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper
posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for
himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father,
shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room
without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer
and CD player."
"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.
"I send him to our room!"
v v v v v
While at the mall, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while
they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic
it was.
He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public
for over thirty years. I have to. If I let go, she shops."
v v v v v
submitted by: GuysBabi
v v v v v
A for a minor traffic violation. After
examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said,
"You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic
pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those
vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines
in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my
thumb-print."
v v v v v
Taking
advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three
other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos
and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really
horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests
by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you
know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such
clean language!"
v v v v v
submitted by: Devulcano
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
Top
Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines
* Wanna form a more perfect union?
* Something's rising and it's not the national debt
* I'm stiffer than John Kerry
* Let's go someplace and release our delegates
* Care to join the wife and me for a little 'bipartisanship'?
* I'll make you scream like Howard Dean
* Now that's what I call a stimulus package
* I'm gonna Barack your world
* Wanna pretend we're Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?
* Hi, I'm John Edwards
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
I had a
minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female
urologist. I saw her yesterday.
...
She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy. The first thing
she told me is that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her
why, she said; ''Because I'm trying to examine you.''
v v v v v
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff,
Christ's Childhood Pal
by Christopher Moore
"The birth of Jesus has been well chronicled, as have his glorious teachings, acts, and divine
sacrifice after his thirtieth birthday. But no one knows about the early life
of the Son of God, the missing years -- except Biff.
Lamb is the crowning achievement of Christopher Moore's storied career: fresh, wild, audacious,
divinely hilarious, yet heartfelt, poignant, and alive, with a surprising reverence.
Let there be rejoicing unto the world! Christopher Moore is come -- to bring truth, light,
and big yuks to fans old and new with the Greatest Story Never Told!"
I had no real idea of what to expect with this book - but it was fantastic! I knew it
was very popular and that a lot of people really liked it - including me!
It's so clever - don't miss this one. You do need to have a bit of knowledge
of the Bible to 'get the humor'.
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A Japanese labor bureau ruled recently
that one
of Toyota's top car engineers died from
working
too many hours. This is one in a string of
such
findings in a nation where extraordinarily
long
hours has long been the norm for some
employees.
The Top 17 Signs You're
Working Too Hard
17> Your job in 2007: opening Starbucks stores.
Your job in 2008: closing Starbucks stores.'
16> Last week alone, you put two robots out of work.
15> Everyone comments on the artistic nature of your Leaning
Tower of Empty Cup Noodles.
14> You keep dozing off at your job at the meth lab.
13> You desperately want to spend more time with your kids, so
you hire them as interns.
12> Your "vacation" this summer? Telecommuting from home -- but
you wore shorts!
11> You get a bad case of tennis elbow because of your job
as a fluffer.
10> Your boss even refuses to give you time off to attend your
own funeral.
9> Prescriptions filled today: 300
Prescriptions filled incorrectly out of spite: 78
8> You drop the kids off at daycare on the way in, and pick them
up from junior high on the way home.
7> Satan suggests you take a water break.
6> Three people buried to death since your hair started falling
out. (Amy Winehouse only)
5> You've somehow managed to convince yourself the evening
traffic *finally* eases up around 1:00 a.m.
4> In what might be a first, your company fired all those
overpaid bastards in Bangalore and "insourced" the
entire
operation to you.
3> Your unborn child is diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome.
2> You can no longer tell the difference between your cubicle's
Mountain Dew bottles and urine-filled Mountain Dew bottles.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Working Too Hard...
1> Your wife now goes to couples therapy with her vibrator.
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submitted by: indianagene
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submitted by: lg1
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had
been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to
bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their
promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a
burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope,
not yet Bubbles'.
So they row a little farther....
Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now?
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,
'No, this will never do, the water is only up
to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally
Barbie slips over the side and
disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when
suddenly
Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.
Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?
Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.
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submitted by: GuysBabi
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submitted by: indianagene
A little old lady answered a knock on the
door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man..
'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm
broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horsemanure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a
fork 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
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submitted by: GuysBabi
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Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered
that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said
or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside,
pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife
agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced,
"Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply "It's after
seven o'clock!"
v v v v v
I accompanied my husband when he went to get
a haircut. Reading
a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked
the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make
a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back
for."
v v v v v
"Officials at the Beijing Olympics have begun evaluating athletes
to determine their gender. Trust me, there's nothing worse than
hearing, 'I guess that's technically a penis.'"
Conan O'Brien
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v v v v v
I spent a good part of a recent afternoon stuck on the grocery's express line behind a person
with way too many items.
"I'm sorry," she told the clerk.
"I guess I forgot to count the things I had in my cart."
"Don't worry," the clerk replied. "Everyone behind you is
counting them."
When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent.
It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a Worl War II vet,
I had him transported to a VA hospital, where
he'd be eligible for benefits.
The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting
nurse:
"Right war, wrong side."
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submitted by: mmirkwood
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and
I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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v v v v v
Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the
making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on rockin'
it's a state of
mind
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©1999 - 2008 - Deborah Austin - All
rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
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