Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, Kittykab

PLEASE

If you would please - go to this issue
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/434_files/index.html

and tell me if you see the text that goes almost all the way from one side

to the other -- instead of the way it usually is -- and tell me if you use AOL IE

or if you access IE, Firefox or whatever.

Thank you!

Be careful when surfing the Internet.

I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working order as of this posting.

Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me at aol and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!

"hi, pretty much every week there are a few items in R&R that make me
laugh out loud, but i just had to write and tell you that this week was
EXCEPTIONAL.
highlights for me are -

george carlin (and a link from that site about the use of "fuck" in
the english language - hilarious!!)
statue of liberty
mccartney maths
barack obama / clinton jokes

those are just the highlights for me, there is just too much good
stuff to mention individually.

TOTALLY AWESOME

and so are you for producing it

andy x"

afk.ark

v v v v v

submitted by: jacksinfla

1. When I was born, I got a choice: a big dick or a good memory.

2. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask her for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:

'don't and 'stop' unless

they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are only three stages of sex in a man's life:

Tri weekly, Try weekly, and Try weakly

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity can be cured.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.

He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

14. Despite the old saying,

'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !

v v v v v

New York's Best Restaurants

You can't do better than New York for the dining possibilities;
the city is bursting with restaurants of every type and category.
You could eat out every night of the year and still have a
mountain of restaurants to climb before you've been to them all.
Chefs are as famous as rock stars, and when a new restaurant
opens, the pomp and circumstance sometimes equals the opening of
a major Broadway show. Eating out in New York is a very big deal

something many New Yorkers take seriously. More

LEARNING ABOUT HEALTH AND SAFETY ABROAD
Tripprep.com

http://www.tripprep.com/
A comprehensive resource with recommended vaccinations,

embassy listings and crime advisories for 204 countries.

(Information is culled from the state departments of the U.S., Canada, Australia and the U.K.)

Also included: tips on local customs and transportation.

Caveat: Incomplete listings of doctors abroad. Free registration required.

Vayama.comhttp://www.vayama.com

A booking engine that pulls prices

from all international flights originating in the United States,

including those of low-fare carriers.

v v v v v

By my reckoning, it's been 232 years since
   the colonies in the new world decided to
   throw off the oppressive shackles of British
   bondage and declare to the world, "We're mad
as hell, and we're not going to take anymore!"

But maybe now would be a good time to remind them.

   The Top 16 Ways Modern-Day Americans
   Can Declare Their Independence From England

16> Then: Dump crates of tea in Boston Harbor. Now: Throw empty
Snapple bottles at Buckingham Palace.

15> Have President Bush steal Benny Hill's move and repeatedly
slap Dick Cheney on top of his bald head.

14> "BURN, HOGWARTS, BURN!!!!"

13> Get over our Amy Winehouse fixation and bring our attention
back to the Spears family where it belongs.

12> Change the official language of the United States to
Mandarin-inflected Creole.

11> Drink only American Tea, like Earl Grey!

10> Beat up BOTH Oasis brothers, just to show we don't take sides.

9> The same way our forefathers at Valley Forge did -- only we
prefer losing fingers to drunken firecracker mishaps rather
than the traditional frostbite.

8> Elect not to buy a Rolls Royce and go with a Saturn instead.

7> Produce our own investigation of Princess Di's death using
Matchbox cars and Thunderbird.

6> Our Fergie vs. their Fergie -- IN THE OCTAGON!

5> Boycott 007 movies until the producers come to their senses
and give Bob Saget the role he was born to play.

4> Deport Beckham, keep Posh.

3> "Your Majesty? An orange-vested Dick Cheney is at the Palace
   door, insisting on personally delivering an urgent message."

2> Forget Bin Laden; have the CIA dispose of Mr. Bean.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way Modern-Day
   Americans Can Declare Their Independence From England...

1> Speak even worser English.

v v v v v

One man was downing drinks faster than usual when the man on
the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The first man said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a
saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her
days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all
evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and
invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented. "I suppose
the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first man replied. "I strangled her."

v v v v v

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when

he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman.

"I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to him. Shortly after take-off,

the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords.

Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said,

"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could think of only one word that fit the description and

he was not about to say it to the Pope.

So the gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said,

"I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course!" said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

v v v v v

Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml

v v v v v

The Top 16 Product Placements in a Classic Film (Part II)

8> Citizen Kane -- Radio Flyer

7> The Wolf Man -- Nair

6> Casablanca -- Bosendorfer pianos

5> Alice Doesn't Live Here Any More –- Century 21 Real Estate

4> Psycho -- Kohler bathroom fixtures

3> Bonnie and Clyde -- Bank of America

2> The Africa Queen -- Zodiac inflatable boats

and the Number 1 Product Placement in a Classic Film...

1> Gone With the Wind -- First Alert smoke alarms

v v v v v

Our Cellphones, Ourselves - Forbes

You may not spend much time thinking about what your phone says about you,

but other people are picking up all the clues.

Cellphones are increasingly the most personal gadget you've got.

It's the only electronic device people keep with them 24/7,

and that means they are speaking volumes about what their owners do and the choices they make.

25 Texting Terms You Need to Know - AOL Mobile

If you've ever sent a text message or instant message on your cell phone,

you know how frustrating typing out long words on a tiny keyboard can be –

especially when you're in a hurry. To avoid tripping over your thumbs the next time you text,

try using the rapid-fire shorthand 'language' known as texting lingo.

Texting lingo consists mainly of acronyms and phonics, which reduce the number of letters needed

to write a comprehensible message. For example, the word 'you' is shortened to 'u' and

"talk to you later" is simply "TTYL."

Below are 25 popular texting terms. Add some of these to your vocabulary and

you'll be messaging like a teen in no time.

Ringtones from America's Favorite Singers - AOL Mobile
It's that time of the year again when thousands of people tune in weekly,

to see if their favorite singer makes it into the next round.
In celebration of the announcement of the season seven winner,

we've rounded up a few ringtones from previous Idols.

v v v v v

FRUITY COMPOTE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups water
1-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and thinly slivered
1 cup dried fruit mix
2 cups fresh or frozen cranberries
1 orange, peeled and sectioned
1 Granny Smith apple, peeled, cored and cut into small,
thin wedges.

DIRECTIONS:
In large saucepan, combine sugar, water and ginger.
Bring to a boil over high heat. Add dried fruit mix.
Bring back to a boil and immediately reduce heat to low
simmer. Cook, uncovered, until fruit is not quite tender,
about 5 minutes. Add cranberries and simmer, stirring
occasionally, until cranberries pop. Stir in orange and
apple. Remove from heat and allow to cool down. Serve
warm or at room temperature.

Yield: 6 servings.

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A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and
asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked
the woman,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The woman replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my husband did."

v v v v v

Cannon Challenge Game : Future Weapons : Discovery Channel

this is a shooter game. However, I don't consider it particularly violent.

You're not aiming at people. Rather, you're aiming at enemy outposts.By the way,

the non-line-of-sight cannon used in the game simulates military technology.

It is the future of U.S. field artillery. Informative and fun!

Dream Chronicles 2: The Eternal Maze

Return to the wonderful world of Dream Chronicles in this eagerly-anticipated sequel.

Faye, locked away by Lilith the Fairy Queen of Dreams, once again needs your help to navigate

this brain-bending and beautiful world of puzzles.

Discover the origins of the fairies, hunt for dream jewels,

seek advice from the foliage, and find your way out of the Eternal Maze.

An incredible journey that crosses the lines between reality and fantasy, humans and

immortals, Dream Chronicles 2:

The Eternal Maze is a unique puzzle challenge featuring adventure, mystery, and fun!

BookWorm Online by GameHouse

It's a fun game!

v v v v v

LAWNMOWER: Weapon of grass destruction

v v v v v

The Top 9 Things Overheard at a Llama-Shearing Party

9> "Careful, we want them sheared, not circumcised."

8> "Does anyone have a lint roller?"

7> "No, sweetie! We're just shearing llamas today. Leave the nice kitty alone."

6> "I just had a flashback to Boot Camp."

5> "Don't tempt yourself again by leaving a landing strip."

4> "I don't know. He wants a rug and I want a really cool 60's vest"

3> "Throw me the Neosporin and Band-Aids. Again."

2> "HEY! That's my nose-hair trimmer, dammit!"

and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at a Llama-Shearing Party...

1> "Spit happens."

v v v v v

Windows Keyboard Shortcuts Worth Knowing
Learning a few keyboard shortcuts is one of the easiest things you can do to make better use

of your time on the computer. Instead of taking your hand off...read more

v v v v v

    Bill Gates has officially cleaned out his
desk and stepped down from his Microsoft gig.
   It's about time that nerd got a real job
and stopped mooching off his parents!

   But seriously, folks...

   The Top 15 Things Found in Bill Gates's Desk

15> A frame holding the first $1 billion he made.

14> Those compromising pictures of Janet Reno that ultimately
saved Microsoft's monopolistic bacon.

13> iPhone, iBook, Airbook, iPod, etc.

12> "Past Due" notices from Hell's Souls Receivable Department.

11> A copy of "Home Haircuts for Dummies."

10> $863,979.42 in loose change.

9> Crumpled copy of Al Gore's patent on the Internet.

8> A copy of Machiavelli's "The Prince," an IOU from Pope
Benedict XVI, Jimmy Hoffa's wristwatch and some Skittles.

7> God's cell phone number.

6> Memo to Microsoft employees now allowing consumption of
apples and Big Macs.

5> His old cardboard "Will Compute for Food" sign.

4> Steve Jobs's life force -- and damn if it didn't get out
of the bottle again!

3> The title deed to Liechtenstein.

2> Unsent letter to girl who spurned him in 10th grade, written
on back of bank statement.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Found in Bill Gates's Desk...

1> Severed limbs of the Microsoft product developer who wrote
the original specifications for Windows Vista.

v v v v v

You Are A Bad Cook If...

- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you,
wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on
the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next
afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large
bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in
one piece.

v v v v v

submitted by: BillieJo50

v v v v v

TANGY CHICKEN SALAD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1 small head iceberg lettuce, torn into bits
1 small head Romaine lettuce, torn into bits
3 whole cooked boneless chicken breast, cut into 1/2" cubes
1 small can manadrin oranges
1 apple, cored, peeped, and cubed
1/2 cup celery, chopped
1/2 cup toasted almonds
1/2 cup Catalina French dressing

DIRECTIONS:
In a large salad bowl, first add the iceberg lettuce and
then the Romaine. Add the chicken to the salad bowl. Next,
add the oranges, apple, celery. Lightly toss the ingredients
and then place in refrigerator to chill. About 15 minutes
before serving, take out of refrigerator and add the almonds.
Then pour the dressing and again toss. Add the salad to
small salad bowls and serve.

Yield: 4 Servings

v v v v v

Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did I tell you
that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend.

"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's
he doing?"

"Evidently, very well," said the first lady.

"He's only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's
already throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the
game for years!"

v v v v v

Periodic Table Revised

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known
to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron,
25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton- like particles
called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can
cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to
take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion
of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads
some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever
morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity
is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Adminis- tratium,
an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium
since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

v v v v v

Bubble Gum Rainstorm

1 oz Vodka
1 oz blue mix
2/3 sprite
1/3 pineapple juice
ice

serve on the rocks

VooDoo Woman Named Phylis

1 shot tequila (jose cuervo gold preferred)
1 shot grenadine
1/2 can diet 7-up
1 lime cut in half and squeezed
ice

Mix all together, add 7up and ice to desired taste

v v v v v

The Top 18 Signs You Need a New Car

18> Your mechanic charges you a "pain and suffering" fee.

17> The speedometer only goes up to XV.

16> The wood paneling on your station wagon peeled off and
revealed some downright hideous wallpaper.

15> It's awfully hard to get busy in the back of your skateboard.

14> The only thing in the dash that still functions is the 8-track
tape player, and your Uriah Heep tape is almost worn out.

13> When you park, you put a "Vehicle Not Abandoned" sign in the window.

12> You got your fourth speeding ticket this week as a result
of inaccurate conversions from the speedometer's furlongs-
per-fortnight readings.

11> Not only isn't the in-dash Victrola XM-ready, it also skips a hell of a lot.

10> Yours suffered some bullet-hole damage when you tried to
run over Dubya during his "Victory Over the WMDs" parade
in downtown Baghdad.

9> You can't make it smell fresh and lovely anymore, no matter
how much Summer's Eve you use.

8> Your genuine stegosaurus-hide upholstery is beginning to crack.

7> Your factory-installed GPS keeps warning you that you're about
to fall off the edge of the Earth.

6> You can't convince Rick Ocasek to join you on the reunion tour.

5> An Amish man shouts, "Perchance the time is nigh to upgrade
thy wagon," as he passes you in his buggy.

4> Tires by Firestone; brakes by Flintstone.

3> Billy Joel just borrowed yours to run to the store for another 12-pack.

2> The "Verily, checque thine engine soone!" torch keeps igniting.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You Need a New Car...

1> Your exhaust trail has caused so much environmental damage,
Al Gore turned in his Nobel Peace Prize and headed straight
for a gun shop.

v v v v v

Things a Man Should Never Do in the Company of a Woman

* Reveal how much your car cost.

* Clean your gun.

* Question our footwear.

* Tip less than 20 percent.

* Talk about former exploits. Ever.

* Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it,
scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's
just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure
and satisfaction.

* Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking
spot, at Bill Belichick. When we hear you raise your voice,
we have an idea of what we're in for.

* Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless refer-
ring to another man.

* Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!)

v v v v v

SUMMER SLAW SALAD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1 small head cabbage, shredded
1 small white onion, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1 red bell pepper, chopped
1 small carrot, shredded
1/2 cup cider vinegar
3 tablespoons white sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup vegetable oil

DIRECTIONS:
In a large salad bowl, place the cabbage, onion, green bell
pepper, red bell pepper and carrot. Combine the vinegar,
sugar, salt, pepper and vegetable oil in the bowl with the
vegetables. Toss the mixture until the vegetables are fully
coated with the marinade.

Yield: 6 Servings

v v v v v

Shoppers Beware: Products Shrink But Prices Stay the Same - AOL Money & Finance

If you think products at the grocery store are shrinking, don't worry -- you're not crazy.

To avoid complaints of rising prices,

many companies are simply reducing the amount of the product you're getting.

This maintains the appearance that prices are remaining steady.

Pretty clever, eh? Click forward to see some of the top shrinking items GRRR

AboutMyBaby - www.aboutmybaby.com

With AboutMyBaby, online scrapbooks can be created in hardly any time at all,

and the service can store all of the treasured pictures and videos of your baby.

If you want to keep this collection private so that your friends and

family members are the only ones who can see it,

then you can do so, and updates are sent out to let them know when new content is posted.

A free version is available, but a Pro membership is also an option for users who want to go that route.

submitted by: pavanco1

Sony Pictures - Hancock - Helping Hand Mortgage Payoff Contest

SONY HANCOCK
If you're suffering from predatory lending and having trouble meeting your mortgage payment,

this is one sweepstake you *must* enter! Sony Pictures will be giving away $360,000,

partially to pay off a deserving person's mortgage and partially in cash. Entry is quite restricted,

so make sure you read the rules carefully to see if you qualify.

Enter by writing an essay about why you deserve to have your mortgage paid off,

and include a picture of your home for your chance to win.

Encyclopedia Mythica: mythology, folklore, and religion.

Are you into mythology and folklore? Or, perhaps you enjoy learning about legends.

If any of those three things excite you, you've got to check out the cool site

featured on our homepage today.

It's called Encyclopedia Mythica and it is filled with interesting facts,

definitions and so much more about myths,

legendary heroes, genealogy and a whole slew of other topics.

Give it a look see. You won't be disappointed!

WatchThatPage - Monitor web pages extract new information

WatchThatPage is a service that enables you to automatically collect

new information from your favorite pages on the Internet.

You select which pages to monitor, and

Watch That Page will find which pages have changed,

and collect all the new content for you.

The new information is presented to you in an email and/or a personal web page.

You can specify when the changes will be collected,

so they are fresh when you want to read them.

The service is free*
*Professional and heavy users are requested to pay a fee. See terms & conditions

Daylight Saving Time - Why, When, Where? - Cloud view

Need a heads up on when daylight saving time is coming this year?

Then check out this cool site.

It has all the information you'll ever need to know

about daylight saving time. It's super cool!

submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS

WildBiology.com - Wild Biology

Biology examines the structure, function, growth, origin, evolution, and distribution of living things.

Using tools like genetics, biologist try to classify and describe each organism, their functions,

where the species evolved from, and how it participates in its environment.

Biology is a large field encompassing specialized disciplines such as botany, zoology, microbiology,

molecular biology, and ecology. Each discipline tackles a different aspect of life, with the same overall goals.

One of the central concepts in biology is that life is dynamic, that it develops though a process called evolution,

and that all lifeforms have a common origin. Each species has come about through

selective forces involving breeding, competition, available foods, and genetic recombination.

Chappell Hill Lavender Farm –

The aromatic lavender farm in the scenic hillside of the historic town of Chappell Hill Texas

With 23 majestic rolling acres, a love for gardening and a vision,

Jim and Debbie McDowell have created a relaxing garden

retreat just north of the quaint town of Chappell Hill.

After several years of traffic,

congestion and the corporate community of Houston,

they set their sights on a quiet, serene lifestyle far away from the

hustle and bustle of metropolitan living.

You might be surprised that their previous business careers

could evolve into something so different,

but they both say the journey was well worth it.

Gomberg Kite Store: Giant kites, parafoils, flowforms,

line art, windsocks, Peter Lynn, Windfeather banners.

Imagine the MegaFlag: the world's largest kite, flying over the crowd at your event.

The public would watch the enormous flag being unfurled; watch it anchored to

heavy vehicles with a 20 ton line; watch it slowly inflate with air.

And then imagine your public gasp in amazement

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submitted by: BADVETTE87

The Navy found they had too many officers and

decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus

of $1,000 for every inch measured

in a straight line between any Two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top

of His head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and

asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,

when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,

explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him

providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did..

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the

Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!'

he suddenly exclaimed, Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam'.

v v v v v

A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them
were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting
to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for
Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to
be different....again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my mom's a Republican and
my dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,

'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot,
what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

v v v v v

Today's Comic

v v v v v

What is the difference between frustration and panic?

Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it
the second time.

Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the
first time.

v v v v v

"Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks
at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all
buy station wagons."

Tim Allen

v v v v v

Keep your software up to date

The first line of defense in keeping your computer as secure as possible is through regular

software updates and routine system maintenance to help avoid data loss, new viruses,

and other potential risks. The top two software applications you need to keep updated

are your operating system (ex. Microsoft Windows) and your anti-virus solution.

For Microsoft Windows, we recommend that you run

Windows Update or the new Microsoft Update.

If you are using Windows XP, Windows 2000 SP3 or higher, or Windows Server 2003,

it is recommended that you activate Automatic Updates.

The Automatic Updates feature in

Windows notifies you when critical updates are available for your computer.

Automatic Updates also allows you to specify the schedule

that Windows follows to install updates on your computer.

For the new Microsoft Update, please visit

http://update.microsoft.com/microsoftupdate

To turn on Automatic Updates,

on Windows XP go START -> Control Panel -> Automatic Updates.

v v v v v

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly
complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying
a word. Finally the professor continued.

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people
out of medical school."

v v v v v

Advice is like cooking - you should try it before you feed it
to others.

v v v v v

Dark Roots

Cate Kennedy

"A collection of prize-winning stories by The New Yorker–debuted Australian that is

“by turns funny, wise, and achingly sad” (Stephanie Bishop, Sydney Morning Herald).

Australian Cate Kennedy delivers a mesmerizing story collection

that travels to the deepest depths of the human psyche"

I enjoyed some of the stories and some were so so -- but basically I enjoyed

this book and can recommend it - it goes fast!

v v v v v

FROZEN WATERMELON

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
3 pints vanilla ice cream, slightly softened
3 pints raspberry sherbet, softened
1/2 cup (3 ounces) miniature semisweet chocolate chips
14 drops green food color
2 cups frozen whipped topping, thawed

DIRECTIONS:
Line an 8-cup mold or mixing bowl completely with aluminum foil. Working quickly,

spread the vanilla ice cream 1 inch thick over the bottom and sides of the bowl. (It'll probably
slide down the sides a bit.) Immediately place in the freezer and freeze for about 1 hour.

When the ice cream has become somewhat hard, but not frozen solid, spread it all the way
up the sides to the top of the bowl; then replace it in the freezer for about 1 hour, until firm.

Place the raspberry sherbet in a medium-sized bowl and add the chocolate chips;
blend until evenly mixed. Place in the vanilla ice cream- lined bowl.

Cover with plastic wrap and freeze overnight,

or until completely hard. When ready to serve, in a small
bowl, mix the green food color with the whipped topping until evenly blended.

Remove the mold from the freezer,

remove the plastic wrap, and invert onto a platter larger than the mold.

Remove the mold and peel off the foil.

Spread the whipped topping evenly over the ice cream and serve immediately,

or freeze until the topping is firm, then cover and keep frozen
until ready to serve. Cut into wedges, just like fresh watermelon.

Yield: 10-12 Servings

v v v v v

Think about this: No one ever says "It's only a game" when his
team is winning.

v v v v v

A man asked his friend, "How's your wife doing?"

The friend said, "Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself
lately. But it was a damned dirty habit anyway."

v v v v v

Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said
aloud in the crowded waiting room, "I feel like a new man!"

"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go
home with the same old one."

v v v v v

The new rules for buying a Mac

Which Mac should you buy? Desktop or laptop?

Consumer machine or high-end system?

There used to be hard and fast rules for answering these questions.

But as the Mac market has evolved,

the old assumptions about which Mac to buy no longer apply.

Jason Snell and Jonathan Seff explore the ever-changing rules.

Read the story

v v v v v

Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have
Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?

A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your beer than to
forget where you left it!

v v v v v

Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching
up with Mother Nature.

v v v v v

When I was back in college it was thrilling to see a woman's bra
hanging from my doorknob. But now that I've been married for more
than 20 years, it's kind of lost its luster. Now it just means
the damn door isn't going to close properly.

v v v v v

As gruesome as the spectre of nuclear war is, one of the positive
results will be how much fun the survivors will have with their
new superpowers from the exposure to radiation.

v v v v v

Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, I let water go down my arms
and run off my fingers in 10 little streams. I imagine that I'm
a new superhero, with the fearsome power of urinating fingers. It
may not sound very powerful, but if peeing fingers don't get the
bad guys' attention, I don't think they'll be very impressed with
heat vision or magic lassos.

v v v v v

submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS

v v v v v

You know something's fundamentally out-of-whack with the economy
when you have to use your Economic Stimulus rebate check to pay
your bankruptcy lawyer.

v v v v v

Thanks to all the weight I've lost, women now reject me for being
a jerk instead of for being a fat jerk. Woo-hoo!

v v v v v

You really learn a lot in Lamaze classes. Today I learned that
just because a video has a naked lady in it doesn't mean that my
"bawm-chick-a-bamp bamp" song is going to automatically get a
laugh out of the room.

v v v v v

submitted by: BODRUMS57

Melting Shortbread

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0340.html

Meme's Cream Cheese Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0138.html

Milk Chocolate Florentine Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0426.html

Mincemeat Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0439.html

Mincemeat Goodies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0725.html

Molasses Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0446.html

Molasses Forest Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0316.html

Molasses Sugar Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0775.html

Mom Mom's Crescent Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec1008.html

Mom-Mom's Ginger Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0393.html

Mom's Nutmeg Sugar Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0201.html

v v v v v

As I lay face-down and naked, tied up on the railroad tracks,
with the honey poured over my buttcrack starting to attract ants
and bees, I began to wonder what exactly is so great about playing
Truth or Dare.

v v v v v

This time of year, the frost on the ground and the chill in the
air fill me with energy and goodwill. They also fill me with
thankfulness that I don't have any nipple jewelry.

v v v v v

I had the surprise of my life last Sunday when I opened Mom's
refrigerator, took out a Cool Whip container and found it actually
contained Cool Whip.

v v v v v

* 5 Groovy Sites for Free Music Downloads
Want to fill up your MP3 player for free without facing the wrong end of an RIAA lawsuit?

These five sites offer DRM-free downloads from exciting artists.
Read the story

MediaMaster - Your Music. Anywhere.

then upload your digital music,

publish your music collection on blogs and social networks,

listen to your music on many devices,

and even become a DJ and host your own radio station.

Boy Bands

By definition a boy band is an all male vocal group that

does not play instruments on their songs.

Typically their music is glossy mainstream pop

oriented to a young female audience.

v v v v v

submitted by: BADVETTE87

Five best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk:

5. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

4. “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the

time management course you sent me to.”

3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time.”

2. “Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards

when you put your ear down real close?”

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET

CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. Raise your head slowly and say “...in Jesus' name. Amen.”

v v v v v

"Big birthday news today — O.J. Simpson turned 61-years-old
and he had a party with all his friends. There were no survivors."

Conan O'Brien

v v v v v

WeFuzz (msi), from WeFuzz - Free Downloads on ZDNet |

Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software

http://downloads.zdnet.com/abstract.aspx?docid=352709&tag=nl.e530

WeFuzz adds social and personalization options to Google and Yahoo search results.

Download and Install the WeFuzz browser plugin to see better search results,

ask friends for help with your searches,

and put search results in their proper order, or even add your own.

Version 0.91 fixes timing issues in browser.

K16 is a keystroke recorder system surveillance software,

it logs all activity on the computer in visual form,

as well as records of all keys pressed.

The recorded activity records can then be sent to your email/gmail account

How to fully degunk a PC to get rid of crapware,

from George Ou - Downloads - TechRepublic

http://downloads.techrepublic.com.com/abstract.aspx?docid=301317?tag=tr.dl.zdn&tag=nl.e530

Crapware slows your PC to a crawl, often causes instability and crashes,

eats up valuable screen real estate,

and may even border on malware. Yet it inevitably finds its way onto your computer –

and may even come WITH your computer when you buy it. George Ou

explains how to use a couple of

free tools to deliver a one-two punch that eliminates crapware and improves

the performance of your PC.

v v v v v

This guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough
not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets
home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed
it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I
figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

v v v v v

COLD VEGETABLE MEDDLEY

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
3 medium zucchini, cut into 1/2-inch slices (5 cups)
2 medium carrots, cut into 1/4-inch slices (1 cup)
1/2 cup thinly sliced onion, separated into rings
1/2 cup coarsely chopped red pepper
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup spicy vegetable juice
2 tablespoons white wine vinegar
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon snipped fresh parsley
1 clove garlic, minced
1 teaspoon sugar
1/4 teaspoon celery seed
1/4 teaspoon salt

DIRECTIONS:
Combine zucchini, carrots, onion, pepper and water in 3-
quart saucepan. Cover. Cook over high heat for 5 to 7
minutes, or until vegetables are tender-crisp, stirring
occasionally. Drain. Set aside. Combine remaining ingredients
in 1-cup measure. In large mixing bowl or salad bowl, combine
vegetable mixture and juice mixture. Toss to coat. Cover
with plastic wrap. Chill at least 4 hours, stirring
occasionally. Serve with slotted spoon.

Yield: 12 Servings (approx 1/2 cup ea)

v v v v v

I'm really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading
about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is
having more sex than I am.

v v v v v

submitted by: BillieJo50

v v v v v

borrowed from: shinyhappyhead.com

Old man Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sat

down on a bench to rest for awhile, and soon began to overhear voices

coming from a secluded spot nearby.

Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realized that the young man they were hearing

was about to propose! Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an

intimate moment, she gently nudged her husband and whispered,

"Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

"Whistle?" Murphy replied. "Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled

to warn me!"

v v v v v

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert
was beginning to get very horny so he decided to take a
chance. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day,
how's about a quick screw?" said Bert

Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days
to go, however you can have a look at your prize."

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an under
standing sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days
to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a
little feel of your prize."

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night
he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his predicament Mabel
greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your
problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will let you
have a good sniff of your prize."

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs

After a minute he comes up for air,

"Mabel, do you think it will keep 'til Saturday?!"

v v v v v

Friendster - Home

Add apps to your profile - music, photo slideshows and more!

Friendship - Who Is A True Friend

We all have friends. A lot gets talked about friendships.

Everyone wants a true friend, and many of us

believe that we have a friend who can be called a true friend.

What kind of relations do friends share?

When can we call a friend a true friend, and when can our

friends take us as their true friend.

After a romantic relationship, friendships are the most

important relationships we can have.

Though all of us have family and distant family,

most of us rely on friends for advice, comfort and inspiration.

How do we define a relation that can be called as one of true friendship?

Free Relationship Quizzes, Marriage Quizzes, Personality Quizzes, Health Quizzes: LifeScript.com

A true friend will always be there for you in good times and bad, in sickness and health.

But are you the type of friend who will stick around when stormy weather approaches,

or are you ready to

split when there's rain the in the forecast? Find out now if you're a fair-weather friend.

v v v v v

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Frame a man for
murder and the state will feed him every day for 25-to-life.

v v v v v

Man, I somehow got myself into a very nasty financial problem
recently: Now that I've passed the $2 million net-worth mark, I'm
not sure whether to start calling myself a "multi- millionaire"
or just stick with "millionaire."

v v v v v

Hard Drive Disaster: A Cautionary Tale

By Steve Bass

In which our fearless columnist learns the hard way that

you should always verify your backups.....

Read the complete column online:
Hard Drive Disaster: A Cautionary Tale

v v v v v

Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten
bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to
take plenty of oil for their lamps; five bad bridesmaids
did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his
sermons always end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with...

"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five
good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad
bridesmaids?"

I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!

v v v v v

Storming Into the drugstore first thing Monday morning,

the young man slammed a carton and a receipt down on the counter.

"I came In here on Friday and purchased twelve dozen condoms,"

he yelled at the druggist.

"Well I counted them. There's only eleven dozen here."

Regarding the man square in the eye, the druggist said contritely,

"So sorry sir, to have ruined your weekend.

v v v v v

A drunk is sitting at the bar and has tattoos

all over his arms and is bragging

how he knows ALL the different tattoos in the world.

A hooker in the stool next to him spreads her legs –

she's wearing no underwear and has a tattoos of rock stars

on each inner thigh. She says to the drunk:

"I bet ya can't tell who these tattoos are - and if you can, I'll give you a blow job."

The drunk is totally lost - and retorts:

"ya got me! I don't know about the ones on the right or left –

but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"

v v v v v

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
but I find it's often in huge tits, too.

v v v v v

How Does Servicing a Car Affect the Resale Value?

Resale value is a very important factor for many car owners.

Many car owners do not plan to own just one vehicle

throughout their entire lifetime.

Often times, an owner will keep a car for a year or two,

or until the car loan is paid off and

then trade in that vehicle for something new.

Resale values effect trade-ins as well as traditional sales.

Many factors affect the resale value. For one,

the resale value of the car diminishes as soon as you drive it off the lot.

This is unavoidable and owners will try to offset that loss by

cosmetic improvements and changes.

Another factor that may or may not be unavoidable is accidents.

What Are Fuel Injectors?

Fuel injection is an electronic system in which fuel and air is usually

mixed in an internal combustion engine.

Nowadays, fuel injectors have become the primary system in automotive engines.

Earlier, carburetors were used in place of fuel injectors.

In simple words, fuel injectors provide a way for fuel into an engine's

combustion chambers to be burned.

The same function was done by carburetors for many years.

Now, fuel injectors have taken over and

revolutionized the automotive industry.

Basically, fuel injectors are an integral part of a

computerized system that sprays fuel into the

combustion chambers at regular intervals

v v v v v

I am getting tired of seeing idiots on TV. The first

category are the ones that are truly comical.

For example the 50 year old lady who is suing

Victoria's Secret because something flew off her
jeweled thong and hit her in the eye. If a button flew off one of my

Dickies work shirts because I tried wearing a size smaller than

I should have and hit me in the eye,

I sure wouldn't sue them. I
wouldn't want the world to know I was fat and stupid.

Then we have the guy who was arrested for trying to rob a

convenience store with a palm frond.

Maybe the guy wasn't an idiot, he might have just been high on drugs or insane.

Either way it didn't make any difference some one in the store beat him

over the head with a chair and foiled the robbery.

The second variety of idiots are the ones we elected on both sides and

the way they are handling the price of oil.

They have been beating their chests and screaming their plans of cheap fuel
since early spring and where has it got us? Nowhere.

Every couple of days the price of oil goes up a little more and

every days we hear excuses of

why the other sides plan won't work. You've heard
the plans Drilling For Oil vs. Alternative Energy.

It is possible for both sides to be right and both sides to be wrong.

So what do you do? You go off in two directions knowing that both sides
will benefit and you do it now. Twenty years ago you wanted to

watch a movie at home you had three choices,

laser disc, beta, and vhs. Today two of those formats are

gone but VHS is still around along with

DVD and Blu-Ray. ( I thought that was a sunglass lens)

If I go out and buy a car today,
something with good gas mileage, there is a chance that

I will still be driving it in 10 to 15 years.

Unless someone invents a flux capacitor retrofit for it

there is a good chance that I will
be burning 87 octane unleaded or a blend of gas and biofuels.

If someone starts drilling in

2010 and a new refinery comes on line in 2012 I will be able to

reap the benefits for another 6 to 8
years. In the meantime if we follow the alternative energy plan and

get the price for a hydrogen

fuel cell car down from a million dollars a pop to something

reasonable and install the infrastructure
necessary to dispense electricity and hydrogen in every town across the map,

the next vehicle I own may be electric or hydrogen powered.

We have been at the forefront in fuel cell and battery technology

for years because of NASA.

We were using fuel cells and exotic batteries when we

went to the moon in 1968 and

we had electric cars in the early 1900's.

Now it seems that the Japanese have once again
copied our technology and improved on it, except for the

Lithium Laptop batteries that catch fire. They did that one on their own.

The idiot that takes the 1st Prize though is the one yesterday

that blamed the flooding in the

Midwest on the farmers because he says that farmland

doesn't soak up water as well as untilled soil.

I have been around a lot of farm land in my life and it always
seemed that tilled ground soaked up water a lot faster than pasture or

that land that was sitting in the Soil Bank.

For those that don't know what the Soil Bank is,

that is where they pay you not
to grow crops.

Wouldn't be surprised if that guy was a lobbyist for that organization.

v v v v v

Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"

v v v v v

Love and Separation - When the Other Person Insists on Bothering You

If you have made your decision and you see that there is

no meaning in your relationship,

but the other person doesn't accept the separation, you have to be severe.

Show the other person that they don't have the right to suffocate you.

Love and Its Precious Value

Every person seeks love in all its glory with all the bells and whistles

attached with no sparing of any of the benefits.

Love songs get written every day and

Paul Mc Cartney had a song about silly love songs but yet no matter

how silly they are we all love them, want them,

cherish them and reach out to hear them.

Yet what is the problem? As time evolves and months

stretch into years the essence of our love wanes

because unlike our wardrobe we forget to clothe it with renewed vigour and

attention because we began to take love for granted.

v v v v v

"Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator
to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? You've been
neglecting your job trying to get a better job. You don't get
that job, so you to take a month off from the job you were trying
to get out of and go on vacation. Imagine if you tried that with
your boss. 'Hey boss, listen, I've been looking for another job,
and I'm exhausted. I want to take a month off. Here's where you
can send my checks.'"

Jay Leno

v v v v v

Well, as you know, gay marriage now legal here in California. Well,
you know who I feel sorry for now in Los Angeles? Single women. I
mean, now all the good men are married and gay. (Jay Leno)

v v v v v

WorldStart's Video Tip of the Week

http://imgsrv.worldstart.com/videotips/index.htm

Shifty Tabs - Video Tip

Did you know that by just hitting the Tab key on your keyboard,

you can hop between all the applications

you have open in one quick step? Well, if you didn't know,

now you do! It's so easy to do, but there's

something that goes along with this that makes it

even more simple to take advantage of.

All you have to do is add the Shift key into the mix.

With the Shift and Tab keys working as one,

you can go backward through your controls. How cool is that?!

To learn more about how to do this, just click on the link

http://imgsrv.worldstart.com/videotips/index.htm

v v v v v

submitted by: ron_stott

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day,

I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space.

She bumped the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her.

This went on about two minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined. She said,

"Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"

v v v v v

The Top 16 Bad Stage Names for Strippers

Candy Colosto

Chlamydia Aplenty

Bette Esaguy

Grover Cleavage

Pus Galore

Lee Horny Jiswald

Winnie the Poon

Bertha. That's it, no funny last name, just Bertha.

Christy Menstruals

Senator Clinton

k.d. 'tang

Milky DesCharge

Poughkeepsie Rose Lee

Drew P. Titz

Muffy the Menstruating Mother of 9

and the Number 1 Bad Stage Name for a Stripper...

Sister Mary Alice

v v v v v

Attracting Winged Beauties Into Your Garden

Part of the beauty of an organic garden is watching birds,

butterflies, dragonflies,

and bees foraging among the flowers —

dipping in for a drink of sweet nectar,

loading up with golden pollen,

and plucking at tender seeds and berries.

But growing organically isn't the only way to ensure visits from.... >>more

How can I keep neighborhood cats from doing their

"business" in the flower gardens around my house? Any suggestions?

Answer:

It helps to think like a cat. What is it that they really want from the garden?

They are looking for a litterbox — and exposed soil is just the answer.

I don't have cats, but people who do have had success

by scattering citrus rinds around the garden.

Also there are repellents on the market that are made

from citrus oils that claim to help keep cats away.

Planting rue (a strongly scented plant with bitter leaves) is a good deterrent,

as cats don't like the smell.

Spraying cats with water helps —

but that means you have to catch them in the act. Cats don't like snakes,

sometimes laying a fake one in an area that you want

the cat to stay away from works.

And too, I've been told that coffee grinds spread on top of the soil will deter them.

Finally, you can lay chickenwire fencing over the soil.

The plants will grow right through it,

but cats won't be able to dig.

Rebecca Knolls

v v v v v

What's the male equivalent of women's intuition? Most likely,
it's hitting something really hard and seeing if it still causes
a problem.

v v v v v

You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out. You put
your right hand in and shake it all about. Good for doing the
hokey pokey; not so much for trying to figure out why your wood
chipper stalled.

v v v v v

With Barack Obama and John McCain hogging the front pages in the
United States, President Bush decided to get out of town and take
a quick trip to Europe. Making him one of the only Americans who
can still afford a trip to Europe.

Jon Stewart

v v v v v

What's Your Favorite Type of Dog?

http://hotsearches.aol.com/2008/02/27/whats-your-favorite-type-of-dog/
I thought it would be interesting to find out what types of

dog people are searching for.

As you can see Chihuahuas

http://search.aol.com/aol/search?invocationType=dl-t1main&query=chihuahuas

are at the top of our list. Is it because the Chihuahua is the

smallest breed of dog in the world?

They usually weigh around two to three pounds as adults.

Yes, those are the dogs that you see popping out of

certain celebs handbags.

Other small dogs include pugs

http://search.aol.com/aol/search?invocationType=dl-t1main&query=pugs

and

Yorkshire terriers

http://search.aol.com/aol/search?invocationType=dl-t1main&query=yorkshire+terrier .

submitted by: docjrx

Click here: Doggie CPR

http://www.dogstarr.com/doggie_cpr.htm

CPR for your dog can mean the difference between life and death.
This technique may enable a critically-injured dog
to survive until you get it to the vet.

CPR is used to revive a dog that is not breathing and has no heartbeat
(e.g. drowning, severe electrical shock). When needed it must be performed
immediately and you must be able to assess the need quickly.

v v v v v

submitted by: ron_stott

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband,

I went to my mother to complain.

Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"

v v v v v

The Top 7 Effects Of Changing Our Minds Like

We Change Our Underpants

7> Tuesday, you think you're Superman. Wednesday,

you think you're Aquaman.

6> Well then, becoming converted to somebody else's point of view
would be like... EEEWWWWWWW!

5> Ludicrous! You don't have the dresser drawer space available
for a stack of neatly-folded opinions.

4> All those fabulous ideas you had after a long night of
drinking would wind up in the trash can in the bar bathroom
after you laughed so hard that you accidentally crapped yourself.

3> Our heads keep getting stuck in the leghole.

2> You're not wearing your mind? Great! Your thoughts are free to
jiggle and dangle.

and the Number 1 Effect Of Changing Our
Minds Like We Change Our Underpants...

1> The funniest effect would be... no, hold it - it would really
be... no, on second thought... wait, actually it would be...
aww dammit - now you have to start a load of whites.

v v v v v

submitted by: BillieJo50

v v v v v

It turns out that even if you can't fool the ER doctors into
believing you've just contracted a smurfily transmitted disease
by showing them your freshly painted blue penis, they'll probably
still admit you -- just into a different ward. Either way, I'm
only one co-pay away from free hospital food!

v v v v v

As I dropped my pants to expose my fleshy posterior, I said
that my fear of needles obligated me to receive shots there.
Unfortunately, my ass being numb didn't seem to offset the pain
from the root canal.

v v v v v

With the price of gas in California inching towards 5 dollars a
gallon, biodiesel firms are now working on a way to turn animal
fat into fuel to run your car. It won't be long before liposuction
patients ask their doctors for a doggy bag so they can have their
fat back.

v v v v v

My Aching Head -- ThirdAge

How you treat your headache depends on where the pain is coming from.

ThirdAge: What Does it Really Mean to Have Prediabetes?

Chronic diseases are rarely reversible,

but most are preceded by a set of symptoms or conditions

that serve as a warning, which,

if heeded, can effectively alter the course of your health.

Type 2 diabetes is one such disease, and in most cases, it can be prevented.

How 40 Winks Can Improve Your Memory -- ThirdAge_

Power naps -- the daytime snoozes favored by Winston Churchill,

Lady Thatcher and Albert Einstein -- can boost your memory, scientists say.
A study has shown that falling asleep does more than refresh the brain,

it also improves recall.

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If you had a room with a million monkeys and a million typewriters,
eventually one of them would write a hilarious ruminatio5upaiu
pfdnmn nd799&& fk9(99cg89z zc***!*!.

Dammit. I was *this* close

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My pet bird loves to eat worms, but every day, she drops one in
her water dish. I'm beginning to wonder if it's her way of asking
me for tequila.

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The Mars Lander was digging and found a white powdery substance.
Scientists are baffled. Lindsay Lohan hasn?t been anywhere near Mars.

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Now that spring is here, it's time to freshen your house. Relax.

I'm not talking about spring cleaning!

I'm talking about getting to work on home improvement projects.

And, no, you needn't add a deck or remodel the kitchen.

Painting is an easy way to give your house a refreshed look.

Maybe you want a new color scheme.

Or maybe you just want to cover scuff marks.

But before you start, figure out how much paint you need.

You don't want to waste money by buying too much.

But you need enough to get the job done.

Today's Cool Site will help you calculate how much paint you will need.

Enter room dimensions.

You'll have an estimate in no time.

Then you're ready for the hard part: painting!

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The Top 9 Things About You in the 1960s
That You'd Rather Your Kids Didn't Find Out

9> You didn't need a bathing suit to go swimming with 400,000 of
your closest friends.

8> That your nickname was "The Bonger."

7> Weeding the garden was a lot more fun back then.

6> The clothing from that era has come back in and back out of
fashion three cycles since then.

5> Painting a VW bus with flowers then = getting a tat now.

4> Your steadfast support of the Iraq war is a little
hypocritical considering that yearbook picture of you with the
sign "Hey, Hey, LBJ..."

3> "Dropping acid" was not a mistake in a chemistry lab.

2> Yes, "H.R. Pufnstuf" was as trippy then as it seems now.

and the Number 1 Thing About You in the 1960s
That You'd Rather Your Kids Didn't Find Out...

1> The only thing spread wider than your bell bottoms were your legs.

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I've found there are few things more mind-numbing than sneezing just
as the dental assistant is about to give you a shot of Novocaine.

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Polygamy I understand. What I don't understand is being married
to a bunch of women at the same time and having them all wear Home
on the Prairie dresses and combat boots.

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Signs Your Wife Is Having an Affair with the Incredible Hulk

10. Someone sent her flowers with a note reading, "Me have good
time last night."

9. She comes home late smelling "Hulky."

8. Your kids are green.

7. Find room service bill for one Nicoise salad and 7 pounds of raw meat.

6. She's also seeing Spider-Man, Iron Man, and three of the Fantastic Four.

5. You find credit card receipt from "Big & Tall & Green Man"

4. She upgraded your king size bed to "Hulk size."

3. You turn green from food poisoning.

She sobs because you remind her of somebody.

2. She's been seen with a gigantic, inarticulate beast, but it
ain't Arnold Schwarzenegger.

1. After sex, always complains you're not exactly "incredible."

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Suddenly the room went dark and quiet. I reached for my Glock --
only to pull a banana from my holster. Though my wife and I would
soon have a long talk about concentrating while fixing the kids'
lunches, this was not the time to dwell on that.

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A study says that pine bark reduces the risk of heart attacks
for those with diabetes. This is regarded as a major medical
breakthrough. If you are a beaver.

Jim Barach

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http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

New Page 0

Funny bathroom antics!

New Hampshire Magazine

Beauty and the Bait - scroll down for the joke

submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS

http://www.libertyhigh56.net/special%20pages/Elvis/Elvis.htm

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This customer service job would be a breeze if it weren't for all
these whiny, pushy, complaining, help-me-now customers.

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    Although most famous for playing Gandhi,
   Sir Ben Kingsley said he will continue to star
   in big summer movies, because they are the
mass entertainment of society, not unlike
the chariot races in the Roman Colosseum.

The Top 9 Similarities Between

Hollywood and Ancient Rome

9> Lots of Democrats, lots of queens.

8> Innocents fed to the lions, starlets chased by paparazzi.

7> Find me *one* restaurant that doesn't serve a Caesar salad!

6> Whores having orgies in public. But now they're filmed.

5> Always fanboys claiming the gore isn't going far enough.

4> Whether a Roman Emperor or a Hollywood actress, it is
important to prominently display your bust.

3> Thumbs up or thumbs down means life or death.

2> Christians keep trying to ruin perfectly fun decadence.

   and the Number 1 Similarity Between
Hollywood and Ancient Rome...

1> Back-stabbing still the best way to get something
accomplished.

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Children should be neither seen nor heard -- making them perfect
ninja assassins.

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submitted by: pavanco1

Comeback Kid - Today Show's Kathie Lee Gifford Makes Fiftysomething Fabulous

Mediabistro.com has a nifty feature called "So What Do You Do?"

in which they interview media types.

This week it's Kathie Lee. Worth a read, if you have the time.

And if you ever get a chance to turn on the

Today show during the 10-11 am hour, and see what Kathie Lee is up to,

you'll agree - she's a piece of work.

Anti-Clinton YouTube Video Attacks Hillary's Gender

Want to attack her? Fine - but her gender? Wrong

Valentine's Day 2008 Marks 10th Anniversary of V-Day

One woman. Many monologues.

All about a single, rarely-discussed portion of female anatomy.

When playwright Eve Ensler wrote The Vagina Monologues,

she could not have anticipated the extraordinary impact this play would have on

women around the globe.

Or that it would spawn an international movement associated with

Valentine's Day called V-Day.

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Men always think that women's locker rooms are filled with hot,
naked women oiling each other up, having sex in the hot tub and
getting into pillow fights. That's a ridiculous notion! Why would
there be pillows in a locker room?

v v v v v

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country
are busy driving taxis and cutting hair"

George Burns

v v v v v

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,

the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said.

"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning,

I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

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My son and I were debating whether "be-yotch" or "bitch" was
the proper pronunciation these days when my wife said, "Get your
asses up there and clean out that attic!" We decided that either
pronunciation was acceptable.

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Do You Need Glasses?

hahahaha

The Piano Man

o m g

Scared stiff!

Here!

Janet knows....

Here!

Get all you can!

Here!

A pain in the ass...

Here!

A full set!!

Here!

Women Vs KFC

Here

Two Faced Bitch

Here!

...settle for a blow job!

Here!

...catching my drift?

Here!

"Undo"?

Here!

...you got drunk &....

Here!

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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty,

expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.

Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control

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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and

another one already in the making!

So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'