Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, Kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
SMILE
What a crazy world we live in now. The threat of terrorism is
very real in our lives. Real estate prices are going to hell and
foreclosures are sickingly prevalent today! Can gas prices go any higher?
You bet your ass -- and soon. So when life gets you down, as it will from
time to time, take a minute or two, read some jokes, share them and try to
find some fun and smiles - that's why I am here. Well, that and to provide
some information to make life a little easier or at least more informative.
Thank you for allowing me into your lives in this small way.
I hope you will find some smiles here today.
Be careful when surfing the Internet.
I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working order as of this posting.
Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with
your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break
my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send
an email
to me at aol and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's
time to ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be
a wild ride!
What do you call a prostitute that talks a lot?
A conversation piece!
v v v v v
You know when you're on the phone at the office
calling to set up a doctor's appointment and
the
nurse asks "And why do you need to see the
doctor
today?" Yep, this list is for
you, Pally!
The Top 9 More Socially Polite Phrases For
Constipation
9> The Browns are stuck in the locker room.
8> A production strike at the Hershey factory.
7> Got a full magazine, but the rifle's jammed.
6> Your #2 pitcher can't get anyone out.
5> I'm off to Mexico to drink water from the hose!
4> Bricked up and the mortar is set.
3> Catching up on the last year of Playboys.
2> The tarbaby is entering his fourth trimester.
and the Number 1
More Socially
Polite Phrase For
Constipation...
1> A multi-meal pileup has blocked the only road out of town.
v v v v v
Computer Won't Turn On - How To
Troubleshoot a Computer That Won't Turn On
It's a dreadful way to start a day - you press the power button on
your computer and nothing happens.
Do not fear because all may not be lost! Follow these simple steps
to determine why your computer won't turn on.
Note: It is very important to troubleshoot any issue beginning with the most
likely and easily testable problem so be sure to follow these
steps in order.
v v v v v
What's the difference between Virginia and West
Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
v v v v v
If Russia was to attack Turkey from the rear- would Greece help?
v v v v v
At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something
in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think
I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes
narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch
that stole my diary...."
v v v v v
v v v v v
submitted by: lg1@tampabay
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her
husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across
her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach,
and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,
first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and
rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
v v v v v
Paul was planning a move into his new house, which is only
two blocks away from his present house. So he called a moving
company for an estimate. All that Paul wanted the moving
company to move was his big, old grandfather clock. But the
moving company wanted to charge $350 for this, so Paul decided
that he would move it himself.
As he was on his way, he saw a drunk coming his way and tried
to avoid him, but, still, the drunk walked right into him.
Paul angrily shouted, "Hey! Watch where you are going, you
drunk bastard!"
The drunk replied, "You watch where you are going!"
Paul said, "No! You watch where YOU are going. Can't you see
that I'm carrying this clock?!"
The drunk said, "It's your fault! Why don't you just wear a
watch like everyone else?"
v v v v v
SeeqPod Music beta - Playable Search - Find. Discover. Watch. Listen. Share.
The World Wide Web only dates from 1989. But the changes it has
undergone,
and those it caused, are profound.
Thanks to broadband, the Internet has become an important source of
entertainment. We use it to listen to music and watch videos.
There are countless sites on the Internet that offer music and videos.
Who
could possibly visit all of them? That’s where Seeqpod comes in. This site will help you find music and videos
you want to play. It works much like any search site. But you can create
playlists from the search results.
That’s pretty cool. However, it gets better. You can save your playlists,
so
you can access them later. Or, share them with friends, or embed them in your
blog. What fun!
Top
10 Songs About Summer
The sun, the beach, convertibles with their tops down, lazy days and crazy
nights.
Summer has been depicted, dissected, wished for, worshiped, and honored as much
as any musical subject. It's still a ways off, but it's never too
early to
look forward to summer music.
- Classic Rock Guide Dave White
v v v v v
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other
day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the seven
o'clock body toning class?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen lard ass...do it
and die."
v v v v v
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for
some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the
concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
v v v v v
afreedll.com -
Download Missing DLL Files for Free
AFREEDLL. When that program isn't working and it's
caused by a missing or corrupt Dynamic
Link Library (.DLL) file, you can download and
install what you need at http://afreedll.com/ .
WinTabber - Tab your terminal, shell,
browser or favorite application ..
Do you get frustrated trying to find the right window on your desktop, or
with alt-tab but they all look the same?
WinTabber may be the answer ....
WinTabber can add tabs to many windows. A tabbed browser, tabbed
putty, tabbed terminal or
tabbed shell, tabbed anything. Multi tab your windows in seconds. A terminal or shell with tabs work faster and efficiently!
Having multiple windows as tabs will give a better overview of your windows than before.
Also having multiple ssh sessions by the click of
a tab works faster and efficiently.
TU/e WIN:
Info
Ever wondered why your hard disk is full? Or what directory is taking
up most of the space?
When using conventional disk browsing tools, such as Windows Explorer, these questions may be hard to answer.
With SequoiaView however, they can be answered almost immediately. SequoiaView uses a visualization technique
called cushion treemaps to provide you with a single picture of the entire contents of your hard drive.
You can use it to locate those large files that you haven't accessed in one year, or to quickly
locate the largest picture files on your drive. NeatNetTricks
v v v v v
Yesterday was Earth Day. Politicians all across
America
did something to mark Earth Day. For instance, President
Bush was photographed with a shovel, and former President
Clinton was photographed with a hoe.
v v v v v
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling
insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch
on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never
be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a propo-
sition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered
with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you
come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he
stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug
spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went
the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to
the corn field. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging
in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total
wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on
him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you
don't
have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,
"For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have
a Mother!"
v v v v v
submitted by: KP1983
Click here: Good Day My Friend
submitted by: DeVulcano
v v v v v
There once was a man
from sunbass
who's balls were made out of brass
When they banged together,
they played stormy weather
and lightning shot out of his ass.
v v v v v
A young lady went to a
dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown
on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.
All night she noticed a young man, staring at her. In her embarrassment,
she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"
The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring
the landing field."
v v v v v
How
often should I change my oil? — Yahoo! Autos
Most vehicle manufacturers recommend changing the oil once a year or
every
7,500 miles in passenger car and light truck gasoline engines. For diesel
engines and turbocharged gasoline engines, the usual recommendation is every
3,000 miles or six months.
v v v v v
Temptation is caused by sensation, a
guy sticks his destination in your
location to increase the population of the next generation...
do you understand my explanation or do you need a demonstration?
v v v v v
Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison
Square Garden. They have a
contortionist that's so good, Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink.
v v v v v
Tragic news today -
Herb Peterson passed away. He was the creator
of the Egg McMuffin. He was 89. He said the secret to a long life
was to never eat Egg McMuffins
v v v v v
v v v v v
A wanton young lady from
Wimley,
Reproached for not acting quite primly,
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
v v v v v
Top Ten Least Popular Dr. Seuss Books
10. Green Eggs And E. Coli
9. Osama's In Pajamas
8. How The Grinch Stole His Sports Memorabilia Back At Gunpoint
7. One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State
6. The Hump Known As Trump
5. If I Ran The Knicks
4. The Cat In The Hat That Fell In The Applebee's Deep Fryer
3. Oh The Places You Won't Go Because Of Tougher Immigration Laws
2. Horton Hears A Who Via An Illegal Government Wiretap
1. Hop On Spitzer
v v v v v
People are pressuring Hillary Clinton to quit. This weekend Bill
Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race.
When asked why, Bill said, "Because then she'd come home."
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
Hillary finally admitted to "exaggerating" about being under
sniper fire in Bosnia. In the old country we call it a different
word - lying
Craig Ferguson
v v v v v
"Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia today and told the crowd that
she's like the movie character "Rocky" . . . now if I remember
the movie correctly doesn't Rocky get the crap beat out him and
then loses to the black guy? Isn't that what happened?"
Jay Leno
v v v v v
Southern Smile
Scale ingredients to servings
1/2 jigger cranberry juice
1 shot Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
1 shot amaretto almond liqueur
Fill jigger with ice. Add all ingredients. Cover,
shake and pour into shot glasses.
Pleasure Dome
Scale ingredients to servings
1/2 oz brandy
1/2 oz benedictine herbal liqueur
1/2 oz white creme de cacao
Layer brandy, creme de cacao and benedictine
in that order in a pousee cafe glass
v v v v v
Hillary Clinton has come up with another ad where she answers
the phone at 3 a.m. After she handles the crisis, she asks,
"By the way, have you seen my husband?"
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly
ordered the few remaining customers, the tellers, clerks,
and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor,
behind the counter.
One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down
on the floor facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy!" whispered the girl lying beside
her...
"This is a stick-up not an office party."
v v v v v
Martha Stewart Buys the Emeril Brand: What's It Mean? | Serious Eats : Required
Eating
Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia has bought the
Emeril brand for a cool $50 million ($45 million in cash, $5 million in stock).
What does buying Emeril's brand entail exactly?
Everything but the Bam! man's restaurants.
Law - The Public Library of Law
Searching the Web is easy. Why should searching the law be any different?
That's why Fastcase has created the Public Library of Law -- to make it easy to find the law online.
PLoL is the largest free law library in the world, because we assemble law available for
free scattered across many different sites -- all in one place. PLoL is the best starting place to find law on the Web.
GovSales - Home Page
There’s no question that eBay is an Internet phenomenon. The site
popularized auctions—both online and real-world.
Many people use eBay to supplement their income.
Others rely on eBay auctions for all their income.
But eBay isn’t the only site that holds auctions. In fact, the U.S.
government has its own auction site. You can peruse listings in a variety of categories. Or, search for auction
items based on location. Some auctions are held online. Others are held in person;
details of the items are posted online.
You can find a great deal on real estate. Or,
pick up a car, boat or whatever!
Maybe you sell on eBay. I don’t need to tell you the government’s site is
a goldmine.
You'll find jewelry, books, music and other items
to resell on eBay.
Party Planning and Free Online Invitations with MyPunchbowl
How cool --- party planning and online
invitations that help you look good!
ROTTEN TOMATOES: Movies -
New Movie Reviews and Previews!
We Americans love our movies. After all, few places in the world are as
important to movie production as Hollywood. But that doesn’t mean we’re
indiscriminate when it comes to movies. If you
have children, you don’t want to take them to an
inappropriate movie.
Besides, it is expensive to go to the movies. Tickets alone can be $10 or
more. So we don’t want to waste our time and
money on a bad movie.
How do you decide if you’ll see a movie? You may rely on the advice of
friends. Or maybe you follow movie reviews.
But I have a better way for you to find out about movies: Rotten
Tomatoes.
The site gathers movie reviews from a number of
sources. So, it is a quick way to get multiple opinions.
The reviews are tallied, so you can see what the average review is. Tired of
listening to the experts?
Then read the user reviews! You can also
read interviews and catch up on movie news.
PDF Text Extraction In Your Browser - PDFTextOnline
Getting text and other content out of your PDF documents is often a hassle.
Adobe Acrobat™ (or your other favorite PDF viewer) can do copy-and-paste,
but that's time-consuming and tedious for anything but the smallest jobs. Acrobat™
also has a 'save as text' option, but unless you spring for Acrobat™ Professional,
it often generates inaccurate text and simply cannot cope with some languages
(especially Chinese, Japanese, and Korean).
Your other options include Adobe's online text conversion tools (which
make
you wait for an email to get the converted PDF content), or one of the dozens of utilities swarming around the
Internet that require you to download,
install, and then hope that they won't spray viruses around your computer.
Digital Photo Printing Prices and Reviews | Low Cost Printing
http://www.printrates.com/
Save money on digital photo printing by comparing digital photo printing prices
and reading reviews.
compare dozens of digital photo printing sites
read and write reviews choose the right one for you
HDRwalls.com - Your source for HDR wallpapers for desktop, Blackbery,
iPhone, iPod, and PSP.
http://www.hdrwalls.com/
Welcome to HDRwalls.com, your source for free High Dynamic Range
(HDR) wallpapers for Mac OS X,
Microsoft Windows, Linux, Blackberry, iPhone,
iPod, and PSP.
What are HDR wallpapers? HDR images are created by taking multiple shots
exposed for the highlights,
mid-tones and shadows separately and then merged into a single image. This process results in incredibly vivid images.
These high quality photos are the only kind that you will find at HDRwalls.com. Welcome and enjoy
v v v v v
My 70-year-old father prides himself on his youthful appearance. Taking my mother to the movies
one evening, he decided to save a few dollars on admission. He told the ticket clerk his age and then
offered to show her his senior discount card as proof. "No, sir, that's okay." she said cheerfully. "You've got your face."
v v v v v
The recent Democratic presidential debate
on ABC has
been soundly ridiculed, as debate moderators Charlie Gibson
and George Stephanopoulos delayed questions about real issues
like the economy and the Iraq war in order to ask "important"
questions such as one about flag pins proving patriotism.
But hey, if you're going to ask stupid
questions
at a presidential debate, why not go all
out?
The Top 17 Pointless Presidential
Debate Questions
17> "Senator Clinton, if you are elected president, do we have
to worry about you receiving a blowjob in the oval
office?"
16> "Senator McCain, you're old enough to be Senator Obama's
father. Are you?"
15> "Senator Obama, if elected, do you promise to bring sexy
back?"
14> "Mr. Nader, what have we told you about not taking your pills
for those delusions of grandeur?"
13> "Your thoroughly documented military experience in Viet Nam
is all well and good, Senator McCain, but were *you* ever
shot at in Bosnia?"
12> "Senator Clinton, boxers or briefs?"
11> "Senator Obama, if your name could rhyme with that of any
international terrorist, whose would it be and why?"
10> "Senator Clinton, considering the recent strain on relation-
ships between the US and our European allies over the
Middle
Eastern conflict and the dollar's free fall against the
Euro:
French President Sarkozy -- dreamboat or boyslut?"
9> "Senator McCain, maybe your first-hand knowledge could
settle this important question once and for all: In your
experience, did dinosaurs at anytime coexist with
mammals?"
8> "Senator Obama, please finish the following sentence:
'My grandmother is so white...'"
7> "Senator McCain, if the bases are loaded with Obama on third,
would you bean Clinton anyway?"
6> "Senator Clinton, If I lob softballs, would you consider me
for Ambassador of the Sexy?"
5> "Senator Obama, how would *you* accessorize Senator Clinton's
pantsuit? Remember, she's a Spring."
4> "Congressman Paul, how is your wife doing with that
fish-sticks business of hers?"
3> "Let's say you win the presidency, Senator Clinton, and decide
to redecorate the Lincoln Bedroom. Does the carpet match
the
drapes? (heh heh)"
2> "Senator McCain, wouldn't your inability to raise your arms
over your head compromise your presidential
responsibilities
when it comes to photo-ops at the YMCA?"
and Topfive.com's Number
1 Pointless
Presidential
Debate Question...
1> "Senator Obama, where were you on the night Nicole Brown
Simpson was murdered?"
v v v v v
v v v v v
The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest
woman:
What would you say to a little "oral" activity?
"That all depends,..."
she quickly responded.
.Your face, or mine?"
v v v v v
submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
v v v v v
Not Tonight Honey: Wait til I'm a Size 6
by Susan Reinhardt
"Like an edgier, naughtier, southern-bred Erma Bombeck, award-winning
columnist Susan Reinhardt has made diehard fans of fellow writers and newspaper
readers across the country with her wickedly skewed reports from the trenches of American family life.
In this collection of never-before-published essays and
stories, she takes her uncensored trademark wit just a little further than ever
before-with hilarious and poignant results. From telling off a too-perfect
sorority sister twenty years later to going public with her "grumpy vagina";
from facing down those who would judge her in a mall ladies' room to eulogizing her beloved smokin' granny,
Reinhardt cuts straight to the heart of the sublime, the ridiculous-and the saggy-realities of being a working wife,
mother, and certified slave to a culture that worships women who sport thighs the size of her upper arms"
I give this book 5 out of 5 stars! It's true to life with
laugh-out-loud humor! I couldn't wait
each evening to read more! It ended way too soon but I'll be sure
to read everything
she has written and books hopefully to come! I loved this
book. Not too sure
men can relate though!
v v v v v
Rules of Life
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's
easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave
you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this
matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable
because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the
other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never
know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
v v v v v
v v v v v
A soft drink containing an ingredient
of the impotence drug Viagra was
banned recently by Japanese officials after advertisements began
appearing for the drink, touting it as "The solution to your nighttime
problems."
SIGNS YOUR SOFT DRINK CONTAINS VIAGRA:
~ Available in two terrific flavors: 7" Up and Mount 'n' Do.
~ The wife's pouring it on your corn flakes.
~ Its theme song is "I'd Like To Teach The World To Schwing."
~ As you walk away from the recycling bin, you can hear the cans
un-crushing themselves.
~ Those Mountain Dew guys can finally express their true feelings for
one another.
~ When you shake it up, it pays you 50 dollars.
~ New surprisingly graphic 7-Up label banned in 37 countries.
~ Severe headache, upset stomach, blue-tinted vision-- oh wait, that's
just regular ol' Diet Mountain Dew.
~ The fast food kid's remark: "Oh, it'll be super-sized, alright."
~ When you dump a cooler of it over your coach's head, his hair goes
all Don King.
~ In the blind taste test, it's pretty obvious which one guys prefer.
~ The Pepsi Challenge now involves a stopwatch, 2 quarts of Mazola,
and the Rockettes.
v v v v v
New Review: Office 2008 for Mac
Mac users have been waiting a long time for a universal version of Office for
the Mac.
When Microsoft finally shipped Office 2008 for Mac at the beginning of the year,
Mac users let out a collective sigh of relief.
They may have also muttered a few choice words, but none I can repeat here.
I've been using Office 2008 for Mac for a little over a month....read more
v v v v v
Jill:
What happened to you and that last boyfriend?
Mary: Well, you know how men are supposed to be hunters, and women are
supposed to be gatherers?
Jill: Yeah, I know about that.
Mary: Well, he couldn't hunt enough money to keep up with my
gathering.
v v v v v
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a
phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the
bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm
supposed
to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." observed the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
v v v v v
Sunbelt Software: Google search results delivering massive malware attacks |
Ryan Naraine’s Zero Day | ZDNet.com
http://blogs.zdnet.com/security/?p=688&tag=nl.e622
Rigged Google search results that deliver big malware payloads. There
is a screen shot at the site and a lot ok other
examples. Be aware.
Zero Days: How to protect yourself | Ryan Naraine’s Zero Day | ZDNet.com
http://blogs.zdnet.com/security/?p=691&tag=nl.e589
Lots of things to beware of --- some you know about - some you might
not!
v v v v v
"Today at the White House, President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this
Malaria Awareness Week. There was
an
awkward moment during the ceremony when Bush said, 'This
is a great day for all Malarians.'"
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
GOLDEN RAISIN SODA BREAD
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
4 cups white, all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cream of tartar
1 tablespoon sugar
2/3 cup golden raisins
1 1/4 cups buttermilk
DIRECTIONS:
Sift flour, salt, baking soda and cream of tartar into a
mixing bowl. Stir in sugar and golden raisins then add
buttermilk, mixing to form a firm, but not too stiff
dough. Knead lightly on a floured surface and form into a
slightly flattened round. With a large knife Cut a deep cross
about 1/2 of the way down to form 4 equal sections in the loaf.
Brush the top lightly with milk. Place on a greased lightly
floured cookie sheet and bake in the center of the oven at 400
degrees for 25 minutes. Turn the load upside down and return
to the oven for a further 5 minutes. The loaf is done when it
sounds hollow when tapped on the base. Wrap in a damp cloth
and place on its side to cool. Cut into quarters, slice and
butter generously.
v v v v v
v v v v v
A salesman knocks at the door and a
young boy answers.
The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and
works all night. She sleeps during the day"
The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a
bitch."
The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around
ringing
people's doorbells and telling them about it."
v v v v v
The Top 14 Country and Western Horror Movies
14> Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
13> Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
12> Ah Seen What Y'all Done Last Summer
11> The Creature From Clint Black's Spittoon
10> Don't Tell Me You Love Me if You're Gnawing Off My Leg
9> Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin', Neiman Marcus
Suit-Wearin' Zombies
8> Jurassic Trailer Park
7> Something Twangy This Way Comes
6> Psychoklahoma
5> The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
4> All My Axes are in My Exes
3> Throw Momma from Shania Twain
2> The Expectorist
1> She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It
v v v v v
Edible Flowers, List of Edible Flowers, Incredible Edible Flowers
http://whatscookingamerica.net/EdibleFlowers/EdibleFlowersMain.htm
Don't be afraid to eat edible flowers!
Cucumber Lemonade - Recipe - AOL Food
http://recipe.aol.com/recipe/cucumber-lemonade/895
Wok-Seared Chicken Tenders with Asparagus & Pistachios - Recipe - AOL Food
http://recipe.aol.com/recipe/wok-seared-chicken-tenders-with-asparagus-and-pistachios/74521
Yummy!
v v v v v
The Top 8 Signs Your
Cat Has Been Using Your Desk
8> Your spell checker now converts everything into Lolcat.
7> Your printer just hacked up a hairball.
6> Every time you get out of your chair, there's a Purr-ex condom
wrapper stuck to your butt.
5> Your children's picture has been replaced by a ball of yarn.
4> Your chair has been readjusted to only four inches below the desk.
3> Catnip and Post-It Note roaches in your ash tray.
2> You find yourself absent-mindedly petting your
cat-hair-covered tape dispenser and calling it Muffin.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat Has Been Using Your Desk...
1> On your calendar:
Tuesday the 6th: "GIV KaT tOOnA!"
Wednesday the 7th: "MoOr TooNA, PLZ!"
Friday the 9th: "I... umM... kAT CaN HaZ sAmMIN?"
v v v v v
CHILAQUILLAS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 medium package of sturdy tortilla chips
1 1/2 cups chunky Mexican salsa
1/2 cup green or red pepper combination, chopped
1 cup cooked beef or chicken
12 California-style black olives, sliced
1 cup Monterey Jack, shredded
2 cups Cheddar, shredded
1 cup sour cream
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 325 degrees, and grease a shallow
10-inch casserole. Layer casserole with half the chips
and salsa. Top with green pepper and meat, plus half of
both cheeses. Repeat using remaining chips, salsa, and
cheeses. Top with sour cream. Bake for 30 minutes. Let
stand for another 10 minutes before serving.
Yield: 6 Servings
v v v v v
Get the Word on Birds
Get the Word
on Birds
Forget any notion you ever had about birds being low-maintenance
pets. Although canaries and finches can fall loosely into that
category, the same cannot be said of all the other birds we love
as pets. From budgies to cockatiels to the flashiest of macaws,
birds can be quite demanding. You can't just put them in a cage,
change the papers, add food and water, and ignore them. They
won't let you. More
Living with a Blind
Dog
Blind dogs can live comfortably. Some sightless canines take
quite a while to even recognize the full limitations of their
handicap, since vision usually diminishes progressively and isn't
a dog's primary sense. More at site
What Your Dog's Yawn Really Means
In the language of dogs, the yawn is often used as a calming signal. It’s a way of saying,
I’ve had enough and my patience is running out. For example, in a training session,
your dog may yawn to deal with frustration and to give himself a mental break.
The next time your dog yawns while you’re training him,
try showing him you got the message by reducing your intensity or changing your approach.
A yawn may indicate anticipation or stress, too.
Your dog may yawn repeatedly when he’s waiting in the vet’s office as a way of dealing with nervousness.
Sometimes dogs yawn in anticipation of something enjoyable, such as a walk—this is a way of controlling his enthusiasm.
Of course, there are times when a yawn is, well, just a yawn.
The best way to understand the real meaning of the gesture is to look at the situation.
If he yawns while stretched out comfortably on his bed, he’s probably just tired.
If you’re training or playing with your dog and he yawns, he may be asking for a little break.
pedigree.com
v v v v v
We've all seen the legal supers in
medicines and medicine
commercials: may
cause drowsiness, may
cause jitters,
etc. What are some legal supers
we just
do not want to
see on our meds?
The Top 8 Legal Supers We Don't
Want to See
8> May cause Paris Hilton to seem relevant and/or entertaining.
7> May cause your dog to take a sudden interest in your leg. And
not in a good way.
6> There may be a slight chance that this drug will do what it's
advertised for. If it does, please consult a physician.
5> Causes excessive, machine-gun like flatulence.
4> May cause severe shortening of the penis.
3> May result in an unhealthy fascination with Richard Simmons.
2> Things may turn purple.
and the Number 1 Legal Super We Don't Want To See...
1> Amy cseua exdsila.
v v v v v
Click here: PC World - How
to Protect E-Mail From Prying Eyes
E-mail is an incredible communications tool, but it isn't very private. As
it
travels between sender and recipient across the Internet, snoops can intercept
and scan it at many points along the way. That anyone would bother to do so for
everyday e-mail is highly unlikely, but if you want genuinely private
communication, you need to encrypt your messages.
The problem is, e-mail encryption can be a real pain. First you have to
create a digital ID, in the form of a certificate from a third party. Then you
must exchange IDs with every person to whom you might want to send a protected message.
v v v v v
COCONUT CHICKEN
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
3/4 C. pineapple juice, divided
1 C. cream of coconut, divided
1/2 C. soy sauce
1/4 C. brown sugar
1/4 C. rice-wine vinegar
2 lbs. boneless chicken breasts, cut into strips
1 C. flour
salt and pepper to taste
6 eggs, beaten
1 (2 lb.) bag shredded coconut
3/4 to 1 C. peanut oil
1/4 C. heavy cream
DIRECTIONS:
Combine 1/4 cup pineapple juice, 1/4 cup cream of coconut,
soy sauce, brown sugar and rice-wine vinegar in a large
bowl. Add chicken strips, cover and refrigerate 4 hours
or overnight. Place flour in pie plate and add salt and
pepper. Beat eggs and 1/4 cream of coconut. Place shredded
coconut in a bowl. Dredge chicken pieces in flour, then
egg mixture, then coconut. Heat just enough peanut oil in
a saute pan to cover the bottom of the pan. Saute the
chicken strips in peanut oil, about 5 minutes on each side.
Do not let oil become too hot or you will over brown the
coconut. When chicken is cooked, remove from pan and keep
warm. Drain the pan of any leftover oil but do not scrape
out the drippings. Add the remaining 1/2 cup pineapple juice
and 1/2 cup cream of coconut to the pan along with the heavy
cream. Cook, scraping the bottom of the pan, until sauce
has thickened. Use sauce by pouring over the chicken or as
a dip for the chicken pieces.
v v v v v
v v v v v
submitted by: DeVulcano
A husband and wife are shopping in Wal-Mart when the man picks up a 12 pack of Bud Lite and sticks it into the shopping cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on special, only $10 for 12 bottles", he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping..
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies... "SO DOES A 12 PACK OF BUD LITE AND IT'S HALF THE DAMN PRICE!"
v v v v v
While the
"Girls Gone Wild" DVDs have yet to
capture any Oscar nominations, they've
been
"wildly" successful from a
financial standpoint.
Consequently, they've spawned many
imitators.
Here are a few you might not have heard
about.
The Top 20
"Girls Gone Wild" Competitors
20> Sluts Gone Nuts!
19> America's Next Top Porn Star
18> Raiders of the Lost Arse
17> Different Faces, Same Friggin' Clip -- Over and Over and Over
and Over...
16> Brainless Drunk Women of Legal Age
15> Unchained Melody and Her Sorority Sisters
14> Poor-Judgment-Palooza
13> Previously Innocent Young Women Behaving in a Most Shocking
Manner
12> Homely Humor Writers With Humongous Hoses
11> Before They Were Grandmothers -- Class of 2052!
10> Porn Without the Annoying Sex Parts
9> Grannies Going Gaga!
8> Can Never Run For Congress!
7> TopFivers Going Carpel Tunnel
6> Chiquitas Gone Bananas!
5> College Honeys Who Hate Their Fathers
4> Dignity Gone AWOL!
3> Man-Boobs a Go-Go!
2> We Know What You Flashed Last Summer
and Topfive.com's Number 1 "Girls Gone Wild"
Competitor...
1> Lifestyles of the Drunk and Braless
v v v v v
Heart Attack, Stroke and Cardiac Arrest Warning Signs_ http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3053
The American Heart Association and the National Heart, Lung,
and Blood Institute have launched a new "Act in Time" campaign to increase people's awareness
of heart attack and the importance of calling
9-1-1 immediately at the onset of heart attack symptoms
*submitted by*
pavanco1@embarqmail.com
FreeHearingTest.ca(http://www1.freehearingtest.ca/Default.aspx?TargetPage=HOME
The hearing test you’re about to take IS NOT going to tell you that you’re
going deaf. So relax.
What this test IS going to do is show you whether or not you should go and
have a hearing professional
do a complete hearing evaluation sooner rather than later (cause we should all
have a complete evaluation before we reach 60).
v v v v v
A man and his wife were out to dinner one night. The waiter informed them that the special was almond chicken or fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman said.
The waiter nodded. "And the vegetable?" he asked.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replied.
v v v v v
The Top 10 Movies That Make Parents Cry
10> Three Men, A Baby, and the Diaper that Would Not Get Changed
9> A Bug's Life: Nits on the Scalp
8> Hurl Interrupted
7> I Am Legend, Based on the First-Hand Reports of Those Who Have
Seen Me Showering After Gym Class
6> Rosemary's Baby: Delivered after a 35-hour Labor
5> College Road Trip: Financial Assistance Application DENIED!
4> M*A*S*Hed Bananas
3> Their wedding video
2> When Harry Met Sally and Anne and Amee and Kris and Hannah and
Invited Them All Over for a Sleepover when Mom and Dad were
Away for the Weekend
and the Number 1 Movie That Make Parents Cry...
1> The Black Hole: Teeny-Tiny, in the Tip of the Condom
v v v v v
My wife says that only fiver percent of
women are born with skinny waists and big
boobs. Thankfully, they seem to have found
porn as a way to pull the ranks together.
(Henry Hill)
Tip for the men: Sure, having anonymous
sex with women is exciting, but be really
careful about it. Once in a while, you ask
for their name after it's all over and
only *then* find out they're really a guy.
(Tim H. Richweis)
I think they should rename Nutella "Spreadable
Chocolate Orgasm." Or at least they should
do so for that jar I returned to Wal-Mart.
(Mark D. Sabien)
I'm really disappointed with how society is going.
I mean, sure, we invented a polio vaccines and fax
machine and stuff like that, but humans have been
walking the Earth for millions of years and no one has
gotten off their ass and invented pussy-flavored gum.
(Anthony Myers)
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this
way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
v v v v v
2
A distraught senior citizen phoned her
doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the
medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady
replied, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription
is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
v v v v v
Making Gifts from the Garden - Quick, Easy and Welcome Gifts & Crafts
to Make From Your Garden
http://gardening.about.com/od/craftsanddecor/tp/Gifts_From_the_Garden.htm
Gardeners are a proud lot. We love to show off our gardens. We also love
to share them and there seems
no end to the gifts we can create with our bounty. Herbs, flowers, leaves and even seeds can be turned
into thoughtful gifts to give year round and they don't take much effort at all, since you were gardening anyway,
right? Here are 12 quick and easy gifts from the garden that your friends will love to receive.
v v v v v
That shows you how the whole world is backwards. I mean you've
got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour
for sex, and you've got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich,
cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free.
Jay Leno
v v v v v
Do you know what the highest paid government position in this
country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor
Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour.
Jay Leno
v v v v v
Hillary Clinton won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode
Island,
and Texas. A lot of people thought she would be done today; this
would be it. But like Bill always says, "Hillary does not go down
without a fight."
v v v v v
submitted by: ron_stott@yahoo.com
Hint 1:
Bounce is great to cure that wet dog odor on rainy days. Next
time your dog comes in from the rain, just wipe him down
with a Bounce sheet. Your dog will instantly smell great :)
Hint 2:
Don't you hate when you seal an envelope and then realize
you forgot to include something inside?? Me too! Next time
don't sweat it, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer
for an hour or two and it will unseal quite easily.
v v v v v
Cult. Wacky religion. Feds raid a ranch in Texas.
What's
not to make fun of?
The Top
16 Signs You Might Be in a Cult
16> "Today's reading is from the Gospel according to Melvin..."
15> Your 2007 tax return listed as a business expense $175,000
for paper daisies.
14> "Teh Elevnth Cumanmint: Thou Shalt Not Cuvit Dogs...
DO NOT WANT!"
13> The only people you associate with also own a Macintosh.
12> You find yourself cashless, homeless, wifeless and nutless
with your hopes pinned to a spaceship that was *supposed*
to be here last week.
11> Lucky you: Your 16th birthday and your 5th wedding anniversary
fall on the same day!
10> Despite having less sex appeal than Charles Nelson Reilly,
you get more tail than Charlie Sheen.
9> Sunday after Mass, instead of lunch at the IHOP, Dad pulls
the minivan into Astrid Galaxicorr's Teleportational
Applesauce Hut.
8> Your creepy leader molests the children, but is never transferred.
7> Your sure-fire plan to keep your husband's eyes from
wandering to his other wives: Start dressing like that
slut Laura Ingalls Wilder.
6> Day after day, you optimistically write funny entries
for an Internet site that is read mainly by people who
optimistically write funny entries for the same Internet
site, and you continue to cling to the hope that your
androgynously named 50-year-old totalitarian leader will
someday get around to demanding you join him for an
incredibly demeaning and comically brief sexual encounter.
5> "The first rule of Flying Saucer and Sex Club is: You do
not talk about Flying Saucer and Sex Club."
4> The church picnic is ruined when John Travolta lands his
707 in the potato salad.
3> Your granddaughter misses your 40th birthday celebration
because she's in labor.
2> Constant back-talk from your 15-year-old -- and you're
afraid it might turn your *other* wives against you.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You Might Be in a Cult...
1> You've signed over all your worldly possessions, cut off
contact with lifelong friends and are no longer allowed
to make even the smallest decision without the Leader's
approval. But don't panic! Check your ring finger; you
might just be married.
v v v v v
v v v v v
Hillary Clinton did very well this week. The Clintons say they're
a lot closer to getting back in the White House. Which Bill is
very excited about so he can get these magazines he left under
the mattress.
v v v v v
A young man who lived in the heart of the city was not quite
completely honest. Oh, he never had stolen a car, or anything like
that. However, he would go to stores, and shoplift small (would-be)
purchases -- such as candy.
On one occasion, he had 'lifted a T-shirt, gone into the bathroom,
removed the tabs and put it on underneath his sport shirt, so as
to look the same as when he arrived there.
One afternoon, the clerk noticed him procuring the goods he wanted,
and then going out of the store without paying for them. She
immediately put in a phone call to the police dept.
The two Officers arrived there, took a description of the youngster,
and while one of them took the report from the clerk, the other
pursued him down the street. "Hey, you!" yelled the Officer,
"stop in the name of the Law!" The young fellow turned back,
to see who was calling him.
At that time, he approached an area where the sidewalk had
been patched, and the cement was still wet. He tripped over the
barricade, landed in the wet concrete, and the Officer apprehended
him.
Due to the length of time it took him to go through the booking
procedure, the cement dried on his clothes, his arms, and even
some on his face! I suppose you could say that as of that date,
he became a hardened criminal
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
Click here: movies864
Scroll way way way down
2.
Click here: YouTube - Hitler: Bloodthirsty Dictator,
Die-hard Cowboys Fan
12 Funniest Homeless signs
http://www.2spare.com/item_92528.aspx
v v v v v
Now the
Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking.
It's called Nicotine Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke,
you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.
v v v v v
Senator
John McCain, adjusting to his role as the GOP Presidential
nominee, began making an effort to court younger voters and to deal
with questions about his age. The 71 year old Senator made several
testy responses to students' questions about his age and health at
Punxatawny University in Groundhog, Pennsylvania. Unfortunately,
when a young coed stepped up to the mike, she smiled sweetly
and posed the question that all male candidates dread: "Boxers
or briefs?"
McCain
looked annoyed for a moment, then stated,
"Depends." The Senator from Arizona seemed puzzled by the chorus
of laughter his answer elicited. "I don't know what's so funny,
there are some situations where boxers are the way to go and
sometimes you go with the briefs. Sort of like my positions on
torture or the Bush tax cuts."
v v v v v
Parenting and Caregiver Concerns
Community & Connection - Women's Groups
Pregnant Man - Is the Story True?
v v v v v
Researchers investigating the remarkably well-preserved
5,200-year-old frozen body of an Alpine hunter found traces of
semen in the pubic area.
The iceman cometh!
v v v v v
Jill: The
guy I have been dating is talking about getting married.
Mary: Wow! Well, if he does ask you, don't delay! Say,
"Yes!" right away!
Jill: What's the hurry?
Mary: Men have very short memories when it comes to that subject.
Sometimes they forget before you can even get your clothes back on!
v v v v v
I
bellied up to the bar and ordered a double Jack and Coke. Before
I even took a sip, I was so happy that I started jumping up a down
and spilled it all over the bar. Seems I suffer from premature
Jack elation.
v v v v v
The world's most romantic ski resorts
Pamper each other and cuddle up at these classic
ski spots
By Lena Katz www.gophercentral.com
"A rose on your pillow... chocolates at turndown... rose petals
sprinkled down the hallway...
gifts arranged under the tree." These are but a few of
the little gestures that
Jo Jones, concierge at Deer Valley's high-end Residences at
the Chateaux, plans for couples visiting the resort.
From private fireside fondues to midnight snow shoe
adventures to couples' spa treatments, today's luxury ski
destinations are turning up the heat on wintertime passion.
Cupid has been sighted floating around European chalets,
rustic Argentinean lodges and at least one Kiwi mountaintop—
plus all the best American spots.
At fractional ownership properties such as Residences at
the Chateaux, the staff keeps record of their guests'
preferences, special needs and even their birthdays. They
offer the "second home" experience plus all the concierge
services of a luxury hotel. For guests on a romantic
getaway, this could include a horse-drawn sleigh ride to
the nearby Empire Lodge for a fireside meal... and then
back home, where chilled champagne and a drawn bath await.
A combination of beauty, history and status, Aspen proves
itself a top romantic getaway year after year. There,
luxury rental specialists have a
your-wish-is-my-command attitude.
"When you book a rental through most Aspen realtors,
there's typically a service charge on top which covers
full concierge services—any requests from catered candle-
light dinners to hard-to-come-by event tickets. I've even
worked with local boutiques to show their wares in guests'
houses, so they don't have to visit the stores," says Kelli
Gardner of Five Star Destinations.
Though Gardner says most people prefer to be in the six-
by-six block radius that constitutes the "core" of Aspen
(where the bulk of the season's social activities take
place), she also has country properties that appeal to
lovers in "getaway" mode.
Traveler IQ Challenge
http://www.travelpod.com/traveler-iq
How long has it been since you’ve studied geography? If you’re like me,
it’s probably been a few years.
So it is understandable if your geography is a little rusty. But that doesn’t
mean you can’t improve your knowledge of the
world.
For example, you can visit this site and take the Traveler IQ
Challenge. It is a fun way to both test and
improve your geography knowledge.
The quiz is interactive. Simply use your mouse to pinpoint cities and historic
events on the world map.
You’ll then see the actual location. You’re
awarded points on how close you are.
Don’t expect to get a perfect score, no matter how good your geography.
The map is a little small.
So, you won’t achieve pinpoint accuracy. kkomando.com
v v v v v
This useful tool is commonly found in the range
of 8 inches long,
the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is
usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It
boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small
hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly,
sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is
thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession,
often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic,
pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When
finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces
of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids
have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state
of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching
its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much
less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!
v v v v v
borrowed from: shinyhappyhead.com
v v v v v
The Top 9 Health Care Changes Under President Hillary
Clinton
9> Hospital gowns are replaced by smart, disposable pantsuits.
8> "And to ensure everyone gets equal healthcare, I am outlawing
medicine."
7> Elective castration by spouse is a covered benefit.
6> Chain saws approved by FDA for use during PMS.
5> Births of babies born to Republican parents will not be covered.
4> Sense of humor removal covered in all health plans.
3> Insurance companies are forced to pay every claim, as even the
smallest scratch can now be classified as a "sniper
wound."
2> Her picture can no longer be used as a cure for priapism.
and the Number 1 Health
Care Change
Under President Hillary
Clinton...
1> Free PAP smears for everyone. First Husband gets his on the
6:00 pm news.
v v v v v
Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v v v v v
"Dancing With the Stars is back. Women love men who dance
well. They think that men who are passionate and thrilling
dancers will be passionate and thrilling in bed. And it's
true! Men who are passionate and thrilling dancers will be
passionate and thrilling in bed...with other men!"
Craig Ferguson
v v v v v
submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS
Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry
in a Corvette than in a Volkswagon!
v v v v v
MyMobiSafe.com Suggests Cell Phone Problems Could Be Viral
ZDNet UK - UK
As phones get more sophisticated, mobile security threats continue to target
unsuspecting cell phone owners.
Many have questioned the extent that cell .
Free
Cell Phone Number Directories? Fact Or Fiction? Find Out Now
American Chronicle - Beverly Hills, CA, USA
Cell phones offer a certain amount of privacy and you can pick and choose with
whom you share your number.
Both of these things are not welcome thoughts,
...
Wireless
Gets Good Reception
CNNMoney.com - USA
Analysts say the device is boosting demand for premium smart phones, which
account for just 10% of
cell phone unit sales now. Googles GOOG entry
into ...
v v v v v
submitted by: gator4621
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The
old rancher said,
"Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.'" Not
being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a
fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post
turtle.'"
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there,
and you just want to help the dumb ass get down."
v v v v v
v v v v v
Bill Maher's New Rules
March 28, 2008
New Rule: If I'm paying four bucks a gallon for gas, that TV in
the pump has to show porn. This way, I'm not the only one at the
pump taking it in the ass.
New Rule: Democrats have to stop overestimating the intelligence
of the American people. Hillary and Obama's backdrops have five
words on them. Easy, Einstein! Bush only has three words on his. And
McCain's has none, because his supporters can't see that far. Sorry,
Hilla- Barack, this is America. Anything that wouldn't make sense to
the Hulk or Frankenstein is too much. So, here are some suggestions:
"Economy Bad." "War Boom." "Black Guy Friend."
New Rule: Jessica Alba doesn't have to speak Spanish. Or at all if
she doesn't want to. Some Latino groups are complaining that Jessica
Alba is neglecting her heritage by not speaking Spanish. Sorry,
but when I fantasize about Jessica Alba being bi, I don't mean
bilingual. Plus, it's unfair to expect starlets to always reflect
their heritage. Lindsay Lohan is Irish. No one expects her to
get drunk and crash a car into a tree. Bad example.
New Rule: If you're in college and not drinking beer, you're
doing it wrong. Students at Utah State have taken to playing the
drinking game, Beer Pong. With root beer! Instead of beer, root
beer! And instead of laughing and partying and trying to get laid,
everybody wishes they were dead. Hey, Mormons, if you're going to
ask kids to believe in magic underpants and posthumous baptism,
don't you kind of want to get 'em half in the bag first?
New Rule: Yoko Ono has to stop saying, "It's what John would
have wanted." Really? He would have wanted his songs interpreted
by Russian gymnasts at the Mirage Casino? He would have wanted
a John Lennon action figure? You know what? I think I know what
John Lennon would have wanted: A divorce and Lucy Lu.
New Rule: Being a Democrat and realizing you're never going to be
president doesn't mean you have to grow a beard. [photos of Al
Gore and Bill Richardson sporting beards] Is it a suicide watch
thing? They take away your razor? All I know is, this tradition
must stop now, because no one needs to see this. [photo of Hillary
Clinton with beard]
New Rule: Scientists must tell us what's in Tampa's drinking
water that makes teachers want to fu*k their students. Remember
Debra LaFave of Tampa? Well, in the past two weeks, three more
Tampa school marms have been arrested for having sex with kids in
their class. Authorities are warning parents to look for telltale
signs of an affair like a sudden change in your child's behavior,
of a note on his report card that says, "Tommy is a pleasure to
have in my vagina." That killed me, too.
And, finally, New Rule: Candidates must stop posing on farm
equipment. Here's Barack Obama on a tractor, just like the one
he used in Afghanistan to harvest poppies. You know, these kind
of photos only hurt a campaign. Like this one of Hillary posing
with a seed spreader. [photo of Hillary Clinton with Bill Clinton]
v v v v v
v v v v v
submitted by: rhjohnson50
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it
was getting
time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really
know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned
about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see
which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But
if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if
he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing
womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-
steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity
in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired
this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."
v v v v v
Kewlbox - Motu’s Island Hop - free online and downloadable games
http://www.kewlbox.com/games/gameDetail.aspx?gameID=283)
Motu wants to visit his wonderfully wet friends in Aquatica’s water park. But
crabs, sea urchins,
and an ocean full of hazards could cut short his trip. Put on your wetsuit and help Motu swim through this splashy game!
Games - lots of games!
v v v v v
Just as my husband pulled his delivery van away from the flower shop, the manager ran out.
There was a cancellation on one of the orders, so he needed it back.
"Which one?" my husband asked.
"The one that reads "Susan, I'll love you forever. Bob."
v v v v v
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the
pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them
to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said,
"I was a pediatric orthopedic surgeon and helped correct
deformities in children."
St. Peter said, "You may enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped
people
rehabilitate themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an
HMO manager.
I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in too."As the HMO
manager walked by, St. Peter
added, "You can only stay three days. After that, you can go to
Hell."
v v
v v v
Vista Quick Tip: Skip the Product ID
One of the very first steps you'll see when
setting up your Windows Vista computer is the prompt to
enter a product ID number. If you're familiar with Windows XP, you can probably enter that number with no problem.
But, in Windows Vista, you can leave the product ID box blank, if you'd like. If you do that, you'll get a stern warning from
Microsoft that basically says you better put the ID number in if you know what's good for you! Well, you can
still safely skip it if you know you have (or will have) a legitimate product ID number in the near future.
Or, if you're just planning to evaluate Windows Vista for 14
days or less.
It just gives you a little breathing room. Cool, huh?!
v v v v v
Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor
asked,
"Who was the first man?"
"If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the embarrassed coed,
"I'd rather not tell."
v v v v v
Would
I Like To Have Sex With You?
I'd rather ...
masturbate with a cheese grater.
slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
stick my genitals in a beehive.
crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch-whipped by a
fat, mustached geek named Spyros.
have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle naked.
dry fuck a polar bear in a phone booth.
cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.
try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter...and not a twist off either.
poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick.
stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile.
v v v v v
Click here: Big Boobs Memory - memory game with erotic pictures for adults
Click here: YouTube - But I
Could Be Wrong
You've come prepared for your tax audit!
Here!
I hate it when ....
Here!
I bet a guy designed it!
Here!
A guys idea of a PERFECT woman!
Here!
Poor dear...
Here!
Supersize it!
Here!
Surfed TOO long!
Here!
Does this swim suit...?
Here!
Bipartisanship
Here
Another Actor
Here
Just The Hair!!!
Here
Snatch
Here
Look Stupid?
Here
Discrimination...
Here
Promotion Efforts
Here
If You Can't Face It
Here
Break Time?
Here
Praise The Lord
Here
Attitude Problem
Here
Think He's Drunk...
Here
Give Birth Too
Here
X T R E M E L Y Naughty
( I haven't checked these )
"Daily Wet Dream"
Surfer's Corner!
Cum & Get It
v v v v v
Rockin' and Rollin' makes no
endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on
operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
v v v v v
Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the
making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on
rockin'
it's a state of
mind
v v v v v
©1999 - 2008 - Deborah Austin - All
rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
v v v v v
