Rockin' and Rollin"

   Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
   CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet


Happy New Year!

2008! Wow!

Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!

"Dear Deb.
Please notice I now have a new email address that I want to continue to get your
great newsletter at it is jrq@gcmuni.net (mailto:jrq@gcmuni.net) keep
up the great job with your articles & links.
Thanks!
James Quirk"



"I have been off of you list for over a year. Somehow I was dropped.
Every time I attempted to contact you using the address you provide in
the newsletter (I had bookmarked the archive and viewed your list each
week in that manner) I received a message such as the one that follows"
tomjan357@windstream.net

v v v v v

"Jill, I don't know what to do," Nadine said to her friend at
work. "That good-looking Mike in accounting asked me out for
Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my gosh," Jill exclaimed. "He'll
wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his
apartment. Then he'll pull up your dress, rip off your panties and
you'll have fantastic sex!" "Oh my, what should I do?" asked Nadine
Jill winked and replied, "Don't wear any panties."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
DITZIEXX

The 12 Days AFTER Christmas

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually
I kept one of the dancing ladies -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"

v v v v v

v v v v v

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old
man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that
night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

v v v v v

On Navy ships, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley
helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping
dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow
sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to make good for
past errors, he made chocolate frosting and iced the cake with it.
The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned
to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD
go?" he shouted.

v v v v v

My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard
the couple sitting at the next table discussing the bill for
their dinner.

"Well Mary," said the man, "As close as I can figure, based of
the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on
the farm that should be worth at least $137,000."

v v v v v

Troubleshooting Network Printing
dummies.com

Sometimes when you're printing to a remote printer, you see an error
message indicating that there was a problem printing to the port. (The
port is the path to the remote computer that has the printer attached.)
Before you panic, check the condition of all the hardware.

Check the print server
Computers that have printers attached (called print servers) have to be turned
on if you want to print from a remote computer. If the computer is turned off, turn it on.
It doesn't matter whether you know the logon password for the user name that appears
during the logon process; nobody has to be logged on to a computer to use its shared
printer. The Windows operating system on that computer simply must be started.

Check the printer
Make sure that the printer is turned on. Check any buttons, indicator lights,
or message windows that may be trying to tell you that something is amiss.
When the printer's "ready" light isn't on, the most common problems are that the
printer is out of paper, a paper jam has occurred, or the cartridge is out of toner (or ink).

Check the network cable
If the computer is on and the printer is fine, check the network cable.
A cable that isn't connected properly can't send data.

Check the Windows XP SP2 Firewall
If a shared printer is on a computer running Windows XP SP2, make sure that the
firewall is configured to allow access to the printer by remote computers.
Use the following steps to view or change the firewall's settings:
1. Open the Properties dialog box for the network adapter.
2. Click the Advanced tab.
3. Click the Settings button.
4. Click the Exceptions tab.
5. Be sure a check mark appears in the File and Printer Sharing option.

v v v v v

To get acquainted with his new parish, the new Priest decided to
call on a new parishioner every day until he got to know most of
them. One day he selected a young widow, whose husband, according
to the index card supplied him by the parish office, had died two
years ago.

After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with
a baby in her arms. He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong
address, I was looking for the widow Smith."

"You've found her Father," smiled the lady.

"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over
two years ago," he said, glancing at the baby in her arms.

"That's correct Father," she replied. "He surely did. But I didn't."

v v v v v

This guy came into work one day with a fistful of cigars and started
passing them out left and right to celebrate the birth of his son.

"Congratulations, John," said the boss. "How much did the baby weigh?"

"Four and a half pounds," reported the father proudly.

"Gee, that's kind of small."

"What did you expect?" retorted Eric indignantly.
"We've only been married three months."

v v v v v

jacksinfl@gmail.com
~*~ Hanging Around ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/hangingaroundgmb.html

sammy562@msn.com
Special Friend
http://hometown.aol.com/warmkissez/SpecialFriend.html

v v v v v

*borrowed from*
shiny@shinyhappyhead.com

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him
over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a
really nasty Virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow
and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just
go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks
him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there
with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
Wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he
Gets the full house and wins $1000. The national grid comes up and he
wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20
Years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house
And the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"Fuck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."

v v v v v

v v v v v

Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other,
"Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant.
She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."

"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.

"Oh...she just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me!"

I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

v v v v v

Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the
Xmas period? If so, encourage her to walk 3 miles in the
morning and then 3 miles again in the evening.

By the end of the week the cow will be 42 miles away.

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a
lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care
about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as
long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And
this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for
you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos
and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean,
just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that
just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well,
in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of thatbefore.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else. Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the
same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going
crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn
lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She
said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I
didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in
the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does
when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on
your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it
makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie
ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
general.She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really
is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying
it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do
you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In
your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just
wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise,
can you let me know where the damn remote is.

Love, Dan.

v v v v v

v v v v v

The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to
take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of
using a basin and washcloth.

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The
one asked, "Are you going to me able to manage OK?"

I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be
kind enough to get in the shower with me."

The little blonde nurse looked up and said, "Nice try."

v v v v v

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.
The little kid starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow
I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with,
"If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a
little elephant."

The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and
yelled at the kid,
"What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiled and said, "Then I would be a bus driver!"

v v v v v

Yahoo! Autos Green Center
http://autos.yahoo.com/green_center
The green rating is a 1-100 score indicating a vehicle's environmental friendliness. Browse
the top 100 cars by the green rating. Learn how hybrids work -- Ethanol myths, concept green cars

WINTER ROAD SAFETY

Winter reasserted itself with a vengeance in several parts
of the country this week, slamming the Midwest with a
killer ice storm, chilling southern California, freezing
sections of Texas and returning snow to the Great Lakes region.

With it came tales of stranded motorists, 30-car pileups,
and fatal, weather-related crashes.

Bad weather rarely stops people from traveling. Hopefully,
it makes them more careful.

Here are some tips form making it through he slush and snow
to grandma's house, the college dorm, a faraway ski slope
or an even farther warm-weather vacation a few hundred
miles south of wherever you park the family vehicle.

The sources this week are my own experience, the American
Red Cross, and Mike Bradshaw, a Kansas State University
safety specialist whose tips have been widely quoted by
Internet news sources.

And here are the tips:

* Winterize your car.

Check tires, the brakes, and radiator and fluid levels.

Tires need to be properly inflated and the tread should not
be worn. As a driver who knows first hand what happens when
partially bald tires hit slippery streets, I heartily urge
you to pay attention to this.

You can do a quick check with a penny. Place the top of
Lincoln's head into one of the tire tread grooves. If any
part of Lincoln's head is covered by the tread, you're safe
to drive. But if you can see above Lincoln's head, or see
any of the "In God We Trust" letters above his dome, then
you are need a new tire.

* Replace your blades.

Windshield wiper blades are designed to remove water; using
them for other purposes, like removing snow or ice from the
windshield, can damage them.

* Check your washer fluid.

While you're checking your blades, top off the windshield-
washer fluid reservoir. Trust me, it's not cool to be the
guy making his way down the thruway with his head out the
window like a Labrador retriever. And it's no fun to have
to scrub the windshield with snowballs at every rest stop.

* Bring a cell phone

Most folks put phones in the same category as their wallet
or car keys and don't ever leave home without them. I'm not
one of those people. So I, like a lot of you, need to make
a special effort to make sure my cell phone - or my wife's
- is charged and in my pocket when the weather is making
travel difficult.

Oh, those on pay-as-you-go plans should also make sure that
they have enough minutes purchased to get them through an
emergency.

* Prepare to snuggle.

Keep blankets in the trunk in case you become stranded.
On long trips, passengers in the back seat, especially
kids, might want to use them while you drive.

v v v v v

The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him
for the rumors she'd heard about his affair with a typist who
worked for him.

"You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a woman
of breeding and position and a cheap little office slut," his
mother-in-Law admonished him.

The man replied, "And you my dear Mother Johnson obviously
don't appreciate the difference between dignified acquiescence
and true enthusiastic cooperation."

v v v v v

Join the fight against viruses!
Get the upper hand on viruses and data security threats to your
Windows(R) based system with this new White Paper from PC World.

Protecting the Windows(R) Environment
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/1682974/86456583/1095697/0/
In an age of increasing risk to your critical data, Windows(R)
users need to take a proactive approach to protecting their system
and staying ahead of the threat curve. The "Protecting the Windows(R)
Environment" White Paper explores the challenges that Windows(R)
users encounter today and proposes a blueprint for mitigating risk
without adding cost and complexity.

Download the White Paper:
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/1682974/86456583/1095697/0/

WiseSurfer Elite Diagnostic Tool (EXE), from TheWiseSurfer - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evalu
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?&compid=68565&docid=331140&tag=nl.e530
With WiseSurfer's Elite Diagnostic Utility you will be able to diagnose and
fix problems with your PC such as slow bootups, pop up ads, and error messages.
Easy to use and fast! Perfect for users who are having problems but don't know
much about the technical aspect of computers. This version is the first release
on CNET Download.com.

Matrix Fall 3D (zip), from Open-Design - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?&compid=59956&docid=283527&tag=nl.e530
Check out this unique Matrix Screensaver in 3D using the authentic fonts
and original effects from the Matrix movie. Add and show custom texts in the
Matrix Style. Enter the Matrix world in 3D. Many effects and fully configurable.
Source code included. This screensaver is my version of the matrix falling code
effect from the Matrix movie.

v v v v v

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness,
stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

v v v v v

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at
All Saints grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the
wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt
and did great damage to many people, and wound up a
convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great,
rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these
two brothers, who started out in the same place, who
together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them
got caught."

v v v v v

Claire Lynch - Interview With Bluegrass Artist Claire Lynch
http://folkmusic.about.com/od/clairelynch/a/ClaireLynchQA.htm
The National Endowment for the Arts has announced the recipients of the 2008 NEA Jazz Master Fellowships
the highest honor awarded to jazz musicians by the US government. This year's honorees include
Quincy Jones (pictured), Candido Camero, Tom McIntosh, Gunther Schuller, and Joe Wilder.
Pianist and composer Andrew Hill received a posthumous award.

Bruce Springsteen review - Magic, with Springsteen and the E Street Band
http://classicrock.about.com/od/artistsaf/fr/boss_magic.htm
When the release of Bruce Springsteen's new album, Magic was announced, the
advance publicity promised some "high energy rock." Much of it lives up to its billing,
but, as is always the case with the Boss, there are pointed lyrical
messages, regardless of style and tempo.

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.co,
UTHRILLME - Oldies of the past
http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/U_thrill_me/

v v v v v

"Hairspray" opened . In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat
housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing
as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton.

David Letterman

v v v v v

Did you hear about the Indian Chief who named his daughter "Ninety-
nine cents" because she was always under a buck?

v v v v v

v v v v v

The call girl had just arrived and half a minute later she was flat
on her back in bed, completely nude. "I've heard of passionate men,"
she exclaimed, "but you are exceptional. What's the big hurry?"

"Well, you see," admitted her client, "I forgot I'd sent for you and
I just took a sleeping pill."

   v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

Bumper sticker spotted on a Silverado pick up truck on loop 610 in Houston, Texas, on Oct 30, 2007

"I WISH HILLARY HAD MARRIED OJ"

v v v v v

I borrowed my brother's minivan to pick up a couple of stools
from the furniture store. Halfway there I got a flat. It was
2 degrees Fahrenheit outside, I had no gloves and it took me
10 minutes just to get the frigging hubcap off (which I broke).

Once the hubcap was off I found that they had a wheel lock on
there. The key wasn't by the spare so I popped open the glove
box, but the key wasn't in there either. Instead, the glove
box was packed with Kotex Maxi Pads for "Heavy Flow Days".
There were enough blood-pads in there to staunch the wounds of
the entire Iraqi army.

I changed the tire, picked up the stools and headed back to
return the van--wondering the entire time what the hell she
needed that stockpile for. I mean, a supply like that means you
can't wander too far from home. I told my brother and sister
in-law what happened, and my brother asked how long it took
for me to find the key for the wheel lock. My sister-in-law
blanched.

"Well," I chuckled, "once I realized that it wasn't beneath the
8000 miles of 'Heavy Flow' Kotex, I found it in the arm rest."

My brother and I laughed as his wife screamed and ran away.

"Damn, man, what's the deal?" I asked.

"She has a long cycle..."

"A long cycle? A long cycle? If you stack those things up on
the beach they can absorb the next tsunami."

   v v v v v

Fridgewatcher
http://www.fridgewatcher.com/
Have you thought of taking a picture of all the food in your refrigerator?
This site features pictures of the inside of people’s refrigerators. People
from around the world have posted pictures.
Fridgewatcher says that every fridge tells a story. That could be true.
After all, you can tell a lot about a person by what is in the fridge

Chris Gardner Stock Broker - Pursuit of Happyness True Story
http://www.chasingthefrog.com/reelfaces/pursuitofhappyness.ph
Chris Gardner is a wealthy stockbroker. But he struggled to get where he is today.
He had a difficult childhood and a troubled marriage. At times, he and his young son
were homeless and slept in a train station.
But he never gave up on achieving his dreams. Maybe you saw his
story in the movie The Pursuit of Happyness.
The movie sure is motivating. But how much of it is true? kkomando.com

eSnailer
http://www.esnailer.com
Q. What is eSnailer?
A. Start by addressing the envelope below then write a letter to a friend or relative.
We will print, envelope, stamp, and send your letter via regular U.S.
postal mail 100% free of charge. You pay nothing!

Blabberize.com! - Blabberize Your Pictures
http://www.blabberize.com/)\
I’ve seen people do some funny things with photographs. For example, there
are the LOL cats. These are pictures of cats with silly sayings.
I’ve also seen people use Photoshop to create strange or silly photographs. No doubt you’ve seen these, too.
But things have just gotten a little stranger, thanks to Blabberize. It will remind you of old-school animation.
You upload a picture of a person or an animal. Then, select the mouth. Add audio, and the mouth will move with the sound.
There are plenty of funny talking photos to peruse. Or, have a little fun and make your own.
Is this technology at its finest? Probably not. But it sure is entertaining!

Catalog Choice - Eliminate unwanted catalogs you receive in the mail
https://www.catalogchoice.org/
Clean out your mailbox - Catalog Choice is a free service that lets you decline paper
catalogs you no longer wish to receive. Reduce the amount of unsolicited mail
in your mailbox while helping to preserve the environment.

Detroit Named Most Dangerous U.S. City - AOL News
http://news.aol.com/story/_a/detroit-named-most-dangerous-us-city/
20071118162409990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001
In another blow to the Motor City's tarnished image, Detroit pushed past St. Louis
to become the nation's most dangerous city, according to a private research group's
controversial analysis, released Sunday, of annual FBI
crime statistics. Check out the other nine

Dead People - People who died in 2007
http://www.fiftiesweb.com/dead/dead-people-2007.htm

v v v v v

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on
the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Heck, I ain't worried. It won't affect us ducks."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. THe sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next
four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke
and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our
most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this
good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,
your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

v v v v v

v v v v v

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from
school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.
She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am
going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on
the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on
Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother

v v v v v

FROM: Dennis Hastert, Speaker of the House
TO: All House Pages
PRIORITY: HIGH

RE: Intra-Congressional Miscommunications

In lieu of recent events, it is imperative that all pages be
clear on their respective Representative's intent when
communicating by e-mail, instant message or via traditional
verbal form. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for
inexperienced and highly-expendable teenagers to misinterpret
the sometimes ambiguous codes and complex shorthand used by
Congressmen since the time of our great forefathers.

Below you will find a list of commonly misunderstood phrases,
accompanied by their literal meanings. Please commit these
translations to memory, as any alternate interpretations from
this point forward will be considered a mistake on the part of
the page and may result in disciplinary action up to and
including premature termination and/or spanking.

Message: "LOL"
Translation: I am laughing while I type at my computer.

Message: "TTYL"
Translation: We will speak at another engagement.

Message: "How often do U work out?"
Translation: If there is a last minute vote, please contact me
via my pager as I may be out of cell phone range.

Message: "What are U wearing?"
Translation: This Friday will be "Casual Friday." Please feel
free to wear khakis with a matching and appropriate sport coat.
Ties are not optional.

Message: "Are UR pants off?"
Translation: Please schedule cocktail meeting for next Thursday
with members from the House Committee on Judicial Matters.
Pre-order two cases of Booker's bourbon.

Message: "Sometimes nothing feels better than a good rub down
after a long day of work. Have U been rubbed down?"
Translation: Please confirm my travel arrangements for
Saturday's speaking engagement at the Elks Lodge.

Message: "Did U touch urself today?"
Translation: Please send the constituent surveys to the
mailroom for automatic stamping.......

v v v v v

v v v v v

......Message: "R U hard?"
Translation: Be sure to get a receipt for the stamped mailings
you sent to members of the League of Women Voters.

Message: "Do the girls in high school let U cum in their
mouths?"
Translation: My flight departs from Reagan Airport tomorrow at
3:00 p.m. Please ship the necessary documents via FedEx to the
El Paso Radisson concierge desk.

Message: "How did U become such a HOT young STUDDZOR?"
Translation: Please make a list of your high school accomplish-
ments and attach it to a copy of your transcript so that my
secretary can write a letter of recommendation to the
university of your choice.

Message: "Do U like to hang around the gymnasium?"
Translation: I am considering a bid for the Senate.

Message: "I had to stroke myself a few times before I left for
work today."
Translation: Many of my voters enjoy the musical styling of
Billy Squier.

Message: "My cock is so stiff right now."
Translation: I would like you to schedule an appointment with
members of the House Committee on Agriculture in regards to a
follow-up meeting about soy product projections for 2007.

v v v v v

Coqui
The Coqui is named after a tropical frog in Puerto Rico.
1/4 oz Midori® melon liqueur
1/4 oz pineapple rum
1/4 oz coconut rum
1/4 oz triple sec
1/4 oz peach schnapps
4 oz sweet and sour mix
1/2 oz lime juice
Fill a 16 oz glass with ice and add liquor, fill
with sour mix box or shake the drink.
Serve with a lime wedge.

Golden Delicious #2
The most popular shot at the All American located in Seattle.
1 oz citrus vodka
1 oz melon liqueur
1/8 oz 7-Up® soda
1/8 oz sweet and sour mix
1/8 oz cranberry juice
Pour ingredients into a cocktail shaker half-filled
with ice cubes. Shake well, strain into a
highball glass, and serve.

v v v v v

.........and even more

Message: "UR so tight."
Translation: You must confirm that tomorrow's dinner and
cocktail meeting at the Palm will give me face time with the
appropriate PAC treasurers.

Message: "I left a tub of Vaseline in your desk. Apply a
generous dollop to UR pert, pubescent anus and meet me in the
bathroom."
Translation: I am considering your request for a letter of
recommendation for the appropriate scholarship for which you
believe you are qualified.

Message: "I want U to unload it in my face."
Translation: I would like you to show my secretary how to set
up a "MySpace" page so that I can appeal to the youth
demographic. Please recommend bands and TV shows that are
popular at your school.

Message: "I have taken a position in the Beef Caucus."
Translation: Meet me in the third unlocked stall at the ManHole,
located near the Foggy Bottom Metro entrance. Knock twice and
bring the heated lube I keep in my desk.

Message: "May result in disciplinary action."
Translation: There will be no cuddling.

v v v v v

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy
called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said
the little boy. "Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is
so exciting about a period?"

"Danged if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning, my sister
was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."

v v v v v

The Choice
Nicholas Sparks

"Travis Parker has everything a man could want: a good job, loyal friends, even a
waterfront home in small-town North Carolina. In full pursuit of the good life-- boating,
swimming, and regular barbecues with his good-natured buddies--he holds the vague
conviction that a serious relationship with a woman would only cramp his style. That is,
until Gabby Holland moves in next door. Despite his attempts to be neighborly, the
appealing redhead seems to have a chip on her shoulder about him . . . and the
presence of her longtime boyfriend doesn't help. Despite himself, Travis can't stop trying
to ingratiate himself with his new neighbor, and his persistent efforts lead them
both to the doorstep of a journey that neither could have foreseen. Spanning the
eventful years of young love, marriage and family, The Choice ultimately confronts
us with the most heart wrenching question of all: how far would
you go to keep the hope of love alive?"

This is definitely not his best book - and it was predictable up
until the last 3/4's of it -- I do, however, ecommend it for Sparks' fans

v v v v v

Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men.
4 and 8 make 12. There are twelve inches in a foot. A foot
is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth, a ruler, is the name of
one of the largest ships on the seas. Seas have fish
and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians
and Russians are red . . . and fire trucks are always
rushin' therefore, fire trucks are red! NOW . . .
if you think that's wild, you ought to hear folks'
excuses for not keeping their New Year's Resolutions!

v v v v v

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy.
Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you
what the girls are like. Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure and
is short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is
pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by
wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

v v v v v

Click here: » Killing the crapware problem on PCs | George Ou | ZDNet.com
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=38324261-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
An interesting article - this intelligent person tells you what he does
when he first purchases a new system!

   Click here: PC World - Spammers Use New Technique to Evade Filters
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,131523/article.html?tk=nl_spxnws
   Spammers have stepped up efforts to use encrypted attachments to evade
filtering systems, service provider Email Systems has reported.
The technique relies on the fact that many spam systems can't scan inside emails
containing encrypted or password-protected attachment, and work out that they are
not legitimate. Without a rule to block such attachments, most systems will pass on
the email to recipients, handing spammers an important victory
in the battle to get spam through.

v v v v v

It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was
still a virgin because she has a penis phobia, especially large
ones, and she's heard about black men and how well hung they are.

To make his white bride feel at ease, the black groom said to
her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick
through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of."

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck
a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that
scare you?"

She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he
asked, "Does that scare you?"

"Nope," she replied.

He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that
scare you?"

"Nope," she said happily.

He said, "All right, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming
up the stairs now..."

v v v v v

This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If
you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60
to Susan, what would you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BODRUMS57

Apricot Fold-Overs
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0089.html

Aunt Edy's Molasses Crinkles
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0532.html

Auntie Linda's Ginger Gems
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0507.html

Bakeless Dream Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0638.html

Banana Drop Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0234.html

Best Chocolate Chip Cookies in the World
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0194.html)

v v v v v

The Jewish American Princess asked her husband, "Why won't you
buy a mink coat for me. I'm always very, very, cold."

"So," he replied, "If you already know the answer, why ask the question?"

v v v v v

Answering Machine Recording: You have reached the breast self-
examination hot line. Please press 1 now... Now press the
other one."

v v v v v

Girl: You remind me of the sea.

Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild, romantic and unpredictable?

Girl: No. Because you make me sick.

v v v v v

Children's Books Online: the Rosetta Project, Inc
http://www.childrensbooksonline.org/index.htm

The Rosetta Project has scanned a large collection of illustrated books. And
the site is adding more books each week.
The books are arranged by reading level. It is easy for your children to find
an appropriate book. They can read Grimm’s Fairy Tales, Mother Goose, or any
number of books. Some even have audio.

I do have one complaint about the site. It is a little difficult to find the
library. But, just click on the child in the red pajamas to enter.

v v v v v

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college
in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't
return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he
looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet,
11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by
your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured
everything had shrunk."

v v v v v

"Say what you want about the president, but he didn't become the
president to make friends. He became president because the White
House has a bowling alley in the basement."

Jimmy Kimmel

v v v v v

Apple Macintosh OS X Dashboard - Free Dashboard Widget Games
http://macs.about.com/od/osx/a/widget_games.htm?nl=1
.
Take a break from working and enjoy these free Dashboard widget classic
arcade games including Breakout, Chess, Froggster, Minesweeper and Reversi.

   v v v v v

"In a recent speech, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told his audience,
'don't believe the platitudes of a
politician.' Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like,
'Don't believe the platypus of a bad optician.'"

Conan O'Brien

v v v v v

v v v v v

The Top 10 Unrecorded Comments from New
Parents Mary and Joseph

10> "Look, you can either make a sidesaddle for that donkey or
carry me. I'm not riding it home the same way I rode it here."

9> "What do you mean, epidurals won't be invented for 2,000 years?"

8> "I don't think he looks anything like his father."

7> "I don't care how sweetly they're singing, tell those angels
to shut up!"

6> "I guess the title 'heavenly hosts' means they're not changing
a diaper, huh?"

5> "Hard to sleep with that bright star shining down the whole
time."

4> "Halo? I thought he came with his own nightlight!"

3> "What are the chances one of these animals has ice chips?"

2> "It's our innkeeper. He wants the deductible."

   and the Number 1 Unrecorded Comment
   from New Parents Mary and Joseph...

1> "Well, with this kind of beginning, I guess he'll never amount
to anything."

v v v v v

"According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of women
can't remember their natural hair color. You know what you call
these women? Blondes."

Jay Leno

v v v v v

"This week, President Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao,
and Hu invited Bush to the 2008 Summer Olympics in China. Bush
told the president, 'I'm busy next year, but pencil me in for 2009.'"

Conan O'Brien

v v v v v

Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml

v v v v v

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

v v v v v

Pavarotti knocks on the pearl gates. St Peter opens them and
says' Oh it's you Luciano- come on in squeeze through. Pavarotti
says,"hold on I've got an envelope for you from the Pope. St Peter
opens it up and reads it - Here's the tenor I owe you!

v v v v v

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' Monastery,
which was leveled. All fifty brothers were killed and went to
heaven at the same time.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry
test as a group. First question, how many of you have played around
with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Okay, right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to
Purgatory to atone for that before you can enter Heaven. Oh,
and take that deaf bastard with you!"

v v v v v

Windows Keyboard Shortcuts Worth Knowing

Learning a few keyboard shortcuts is one of the easiest things you can do to
make better use of your time on the computer. Instead of taking your hand off the
keyboard, moving the mouse and clicking a couple times, and then putting
your hand back on the keyboard, you can use keyboard shortcuts to perform common
actions. I've put together a list of Windows keyboard shortcuts worth knowing.
Don't worry about trying to learn them all; instead, pick a few that use you can use often.

http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/4Fan

v v v v v

There was a local whorehouse where business was so bad they couldn't
afford beds. It was very embarrassing. Every time customers came
in, the girls were floored.

v v v v v

   I never understood this "shirt and shoes required"
thing. You'd think that pants should be required
and underwear would be an absolute necessity.

v v v v v

A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend
said, "I know a great caddy - he is 90 years old but he
has eyes like a hawk."

"OK, then," said the man, "tell him I'm playing again in a week."

The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a
perfect drive. He was so please with himself that he held his
follow trough position for several moments. Unwinding, he said
to the caddy, "Did you see where it went?"

The caddy said, "I sure did."

"OK, then, where is it?"

The caddy replied, "I don't remember."

v v v v v

Sprint Nextel will provide code to unlock cell-phone software
Kansas City Star - MO,USA
By DAN MARGOLIES Sprint Nextel Corp. will provide customers wanting to switch
carriers the programming code they need to unlock their cellphones' software. ...

Free TV shows may air on cell phones
Indianapolis Star - United States
Your mobile phone. And it may not cost you a dime. Localbroadcasters are
quietly planning to beam the stations to cellphones, video iPods, ...

Legislator seeks cell phones for potential crime victims
Medill Reports - Chicago,IL,USA
Elga Jefferies stands with CEO Juan Ochoa behind 100 cell phonesthat
Ochoa donated to the cell phone drive. by Greg Trotter In someChicago neighborhoods .

v v v v v

"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I
wouldn't want to own one"

   W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

v v v v v

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left
at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to
a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's
office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards
for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds
of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they
have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have
an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes sir. They're called darts."

v v v v v

Airline tickets, Discount Airfare, Helping you find Cheap Flights At FareCompare
http://www.farecompare.com/)
Decide how much you want to spend and when you want to travel, and Getaway
Maps will overlay the lowest fares pulled from more than 500 airlines (most of the
major U.S. carriers, as well as many international ones) for a select range of cities.

Farecast | Airfare Predictions, Find Cheap Flights, Airline Tickets
http://www.farecast.com/
Decide how much you want to spend and when you want to travel, and Getaway
Maps will overlay the lowest fares pulled from more than 500 airlines (most of
the major U.S. carriers, as well as many international ones)
for a select range of cities.

v v v v v

In 1999, Vice President Al Gore ended an 11-day silence about
his much-ridiculed claim that he invented the Internet. Gore
said, "I was pretty tired when I made that comment because I had
been up very late the night before inventing the camcorder...

v v v v v

CONTEMPORARY CONVERSIONS...

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

1 millihelen = The amount of beauty required to launch
a single ship

v v v v v

I wonder if its considered equally revolting in
zombie culture to have sex with the pre-undead.
(Brad Simanek)


First you go to a movie and the leading man turns
out to be a woman. Then you go see an off-Broadway
show and the dancing sexy ladies all turn out to be
men. I blame Lassie for starting this whole mess.
(Jerry L. Embry)

They say possession is 9/10ths of the law,
but as it turns out, it's NOT perfectly
legal to walk into a bank with a gun and
demand 10 percent of the money in the vault.
(Anthony Myers)


Here's a tip: If you're planning to sell
a pint of your blood, you can get your
best price just before the sun comes up.
(Jerry L. Embry)

I'm not one for big productions. Just give me
a few friends, a hot dog cart, an inflatable
Space-Walk jumping apparatus, and a musical
revue built around that time I totally kicked
*ass* playing "Halo II", and that's all
the 37th birthday celebration I need.
(Brad Simanek)

v v v v v

"To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any"

Henry Miller 1891 - 1980

v v v v v

Why can’t a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?

Because it’s hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.

v v v v v

"You'll have to speak louder: We're in the middle of praying!"

v v v v v

The Top 9 Campaign Slogans for Coroner

9> Four Morgue Years!

8> The man's who's all over putting you under.

7> In your neighbor's autopsied and dissected heart, you know
he's right.

6> Raise taxes? Over your dead body.

5> It's the pathology, stupid.

4> "I'll even give you the bullet back!"

3> Coroner: Not just my stepping stone to State Mine Inspector.

2> It's Mourning in America!

and the Number 1 Campaign Slogans for Coroner...

1> Read my lips: No new toxins!

v v v v v

Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking
yourself.

v v v v v

Reading Your Poker Opponent
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/id-5219.html

Brain Food
http://www.rinkworks.com/brainfood/
Welcome to Brain Food! Give your mind a work out on our devious collection
of puzzles. There are hundreds, ranging from word games to logic problems
to riddles. Some are tricky. Some require innovation. All require
thinking power. Good luck.

Fab Fashion
http://www.gamehouse.com/gamedetails/?game=fabfashion&navpage=downloadgames&utm_source=gamehouse-house&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2007-11-15_link2&utm_campaign=newsletter_2007-11-15
A fabulous frenzy of fashion fun! The big show is approaching and up-and-coming fashion
designer Kate Masters has only a few minutes to measure, cut, and sew her unique
looks before the models hit the runway. Help Kate work her way from small-town
seamstress to superstar by keeping her designs fresh, her models smiling, and her audience
applauding! Featuring 48 challenging levels in eight exciting cities, hundreds of unique
garments to create, and a scrapbook full of your accomplishments, Fab Fashion is
sure to bring out the fashionista in everyone!

v v v v v

The Top 9 Ways Daniel Craig Is Preparing
for the Next Bond Film

9> Eyebrow raises.

8> Waiting in line at the DMV to renew his license to kill.

7> Extreme weightlifting: Picking up Lindsay Lohan's bar tab.

6> "No Mr. Bond. I expect you to diet."

5> Bench-pressing Bond Girl wannabees.

4> Back to Goldfinger's Gym, doing curls with his bank book.

3> Tearing the script for "The Invasion 2" in half with his bare hands.

2> Every Saturday night, shaking his "moneyraker".

   and the Number 1 Way Daniel Craig Is
   Preparing for the Next Bond Film...

1> Apologizing to M after being chastised that he doesn't have a
"license to fill out".

v v v v v

Four Day Weather Forecast

With this Google secret, you can search for the weather forecast for any city around the
world. Let's say you're planning a trip to London, England. In that case, go to Google
and type in "weather London." I just did that and I can tell you that it is 63° F and
mostly cloudy there right now. Your search results will also give you the next
four day's worth of weather. On Sunday, it's supposed to be 55 and mostly
cloudy. You can do this for any city, anywhere!

v v v v v

*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and find him staring every time.

When the teenager finally had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done
anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response; knowing he
would have a good one. And in classic style he did
not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."



v v v v v

How Much Food Is Enough for Aquarium Fish?
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-48
75.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature
Hobbyists new to aquarium keeping get such constant reminders not
to overfeed their fish that they sometimes end up underfeeding
them. Too much food in an aquarium tank can also build up and
foul the water or increase the risk of disease. More

AOL Video Blog
http://www.aolvideoblog.com/2007/09/24/beer-me/
Some dog owners teach their pooches how to sit, stay and fetch, but this
guy has taken the obedience training to a whole new level. He taught his pup to
go to the fridge, open it and get him a beer. Good dog! This four-legged waiter
must be throwing some wild parties while its owners are away.

The Golden Years - Care of Your Senior Cat - Online Tutorial Lesson 1
http://cats.about.com/od/geriatriccats/a/SeniorCatLsnone.htm?nl=1
Whether we call them "geriatric," "older," or "senior," it is always difficult to watch
our old guys and ladies age. Geriatric cats suffer many of the same conditions and
diseases as older humans, but careful management can vastly improve their
quality of life. These lessons will guide you step-by-step through the roadblocks
to those happy Golden Years your cat deserves.

v v v v v

The Top 9 Complaints About American Actors

9> SAG -- the acronym says it all, Grannyboobs.

8> *Faking* an American accent is proof one can ACT!!

7> They all want real money. Everyone else is willing to settle
for these weird "euro" things.

6> They make a lousy figgy pudding.

5> Fat, dopey and henpecked is *sooo* 2005.

4> Always looking for ways to work in a "pull my finger" joke.

3> With Brits, there's a minuscule chance that, at some point,
the actor will break character and chase bikini-clad women
across the set to zany music.

2> Can't bring the level of suave sophistication required of
epochally transplanted cavemen.

and the Number 1 Complaint About American Actors...

1> Terrible taste in tranny prostitutes.

v v v v v

HONEY-KISSED WINTER VEGGIES

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
2-1/4 cups acorn squash, pared, seeded and cut into chunks
1 turnip, pared and cut into chunks
1 cup julienned carrots
1 small onion, halved and quartered
1/4 cup honey
2 Tbsp. margarine, melted
1 tsp. grated orange peel
1/4 tsp. ground nutmeg

DIRECTIONS:
Steam squash, turnip, carrot and onion over water in covered
skillet about 5 minutes or until tender. Drain. Combine honey,
margarine, orange peel and nutmeg. Drizzle over vegetables.
Toss & serve.

Yield: 6 Servings

v v v v v

Home Remodeling - Remodel Home Yourself or Hire Pro for Home Remodeling
http://homerenovations.about.com/od/planningtorenovate/a/diyorhireout.htm?nl=1

Do it yourself...or not? You could literally spend months
pondering whether to save money by doing the project yourself
or...to break into the piggybank and hire a pro. Not an easy decision.

v v v v v

In the latest Southern California
wildfires, Red Hot Chili Peppers bass
player Flea lost his multi-million
   dollar mansion. Story here:
http://tinyurl.com/27zuby
While we all know what it's like to lose a
Malibu mansion in a fire, it gives one pause:
how would other musicians react to disasters?

   The Top 8 Musicians' Reactions to Disasters

8> David Lee Roth: "Krakatoa? Once I broke my whole foot and
still was able to jump around and swing my staff. Wussy."

7> Bob Geldof: Organizes massive relief concert, swears at the
audience, disappears until next disaster.

6> Britney Spears: No punchline. Just savor the irony.

5> Gene Simmons: "Tsunami? Did I f*ck her?"

4> Greg Kihn: "The world's in jeopardy! Baby!"

3> Michael Jackson: Holds his face together, hoping none of it
gets shaken off in the earthquake.

2> Mama Cass: "That earthquake would've worked better than the
Heimlich!"

and the Number 1 Musicians' Reaction to a Disaster...

1> Billy Idol: Handles the insidious encroachment of dark roots
by waving fist in the air and pouting.

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   Click here: Welcome to Savvygardener.com - Your
Best Resource for Gardening in Kansas City
http://www.savvygardener.com/
Fantastic gardening site

   Click here: Video - How to Care for Fresh Flowers
http://video.about.com/housekeeping/Care-for-Fresh-Flowers.htm
Flowers can really brighten up a room until they start to fade away.
Find out how to make those lovely blooms last a little longer

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Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife, Mary, to Home Depot. At Home Depot Mary saw a beautifu
l teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for John the Manager, to finish waiting on
a customer. When John was finished, Mary asked 'How much for the teapot?'

John replied, 'That's silver and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then
she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
and John went to the back room to find it.

From the back room John yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the teapot.'

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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 55+-year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 55+-year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 55+-year-olds to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not the problem. Retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 55+-year-olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 55+-year-olds
when they enter antique stores?
A: 'I remember these.'

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Cut the cord to your wireless world!
http://www.wildcharge.com/)

WildCharge, the first wire-free charging and power solutions for consumer
electronics and other mobile devices was selected one of TIME Magazine’s
Best Inventions of the year 2007!!

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And if OJ vehementally pleads that he is completely, 100 percent not guilty,
we all know what that means: He's guilty.

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The Top 17 Failed Celebrity Restaurants

17> Mel Gibson's Kosher Kitchen

16> Mary Kate's and Ashley's "You've Had Enough, Tubby!" Salad Bar

15> Paris Hilton's Shack Full o' Crabs

14> Dog the Bounty Hunter's White-Meat Chicken and Waffles

13> The Hoff's HasselHouse of Upchucked Burgers

12> Pat Sajak's B _ _ E PL _ _ E SPE_ _AL

11> WiltBurger: Over 20,000 served!

10> Michael Vick's Vietnamese and Korean Delicacies

9> O.J. Simpson's "If I Cooked It" Real Killer Chop House

8> Planet Paulywood

7> Ron Jeremy's I Can't Believe It's Yogurt!

6> Britney Spears' Flash-Fried Clams

5> Kate Moss's Ribs

4> Dr. Sanjay Gupta's Cafeteria of Alarmist Rhetoric

3> Frank Zapplebee's

2> The Andy Dick Cheese Chalet

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Failed Celebrity Restaurant...

1> Rosie's Pie Hole

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   Click here: Blood Pressure Pills can Raise Diabetes Risk
http://www.lifescript.com/channels/healthy_living/Health_Conditions/bloo
d_pressure_pills_can_raise_diabetes_risk.asp?utm_campaign=2007-05-04&
utm_source=living-with-diabetes&utm_medium=email&u
tm_content=tip-of-day_blood-pressure-pills-can-rais
Taking some hypertension medications can raise an adult's risk of developing
type 2 diabetes, according to a troubling Harvard Medical School study.

   Click here: Top 10 Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) That Should Be On Your Radar
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DsY
STDs are some of the most difficult diseases in the world to catch. You
have to be up close and personal to spread them. Why, then, are they so common?
Because people don't know how to treat, prevent, and avoid them. An STD is any
disease that is spread primarily by sexual contact. In other words, one partner
transmits the disease-causing organism to the other partner during sex (oral/vaginal/anal/etc.).
Not all diseases that affect the sex organs are sexually transmitted. Some are not at all
connected with sex. Other diseases are simply sexually associated.

   Click here: Toothbrushes - Which Toothbrush is Better - Manual or Electric?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Dsa
With all the bells and whistles and hundreds of toothbrushes on the market,
you've got to wonder, which is really the best toothbrush to buy - manual or
electric? According to the Academy of General Dentistry, the best toothbrush that
you can buy is the one that you will actually use. That's it. Yes, it's really that
simple. While both electric and manual toothbrushes have some pros and cons,
the bottom line is which one you will use. The American Dental Association
recommends brushing your teeth at least twice a day for two minutes. If you're not
sure which type of toothbrush you would use the most, I
have provided some pros and cons of both:

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The Top 16 Signs It's a Porn Actor's First Day

16> Pulls a groin muscle during the missionary position scene.

15> He's given the nickname "Boy Scout" because of all the tents
he's pitching.

14> Inadvertently blurts out, "I love you!" during the money shot.

13> When his co-star shows up wearing a strap-on, he ask if
they're going to play ring toss.

12> Two words: farmer's tan.

11> "Gee, Ms. Hilton, I sure didn't expect to meet *you* here!"

10> She stops the gangbang to ask, "Other than being
uncontrollably horny, what's my motivation in this scene?

9> "Is it too much to ask that we do at least one scene where
we just cuddle?"

8> Thinks Ron Jeremy is an actual pool cleaner

7> "Orgasma Plenty? I can't believe that's your real name!"

6> "Okay, I'll try it -- but what makes you think people want
to see a girl kissing another *girl*?"

5> She shows up on the set wearing granny panties.

4> Thinks it's lunchtime when the pizza delivery guy arrives.

3> "Can we re-shoot this scene? I accidentally used a Northern
London accent instead of a Southern London accent for my last
line, and I'd hate for the audience to get distracted by such
an obvious mistake and totally lose focus on the plot."

2> Approaches the fluffer with an armful of lumpy throw-pillows.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign It's a Porn Actor's First Day...

1> Wears his "WWJD" bracelet to work.

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PARTY PINWHEELS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
2 pkgs 98 ounces ea) of cream cheese; softened
1 dry packet of salad dressing mix, ranch flavor
1/2 cup red bell pepper; minced
1/2 cup celery; minced
1/4 cup onions, green; sliced
1/4 cup olives; sliced
4 10-inch Tortillas

DIRECTIONS:
In a mixing bowl, beat cream cheese and dressing mix until
smooth. Add red pepper, celery, onions, and olives; mix well.
Spread about 3/4 cup of each tortilla. Roll up tightly; wrap
in plastic wrap. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours. Slice into
1/2 inch pieces.

Yield: 15 Servings

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*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Walt Handelsman
http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/
blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html
LOL! Don't miss this one!!

Slap Hillary
http://foolishpleasurestudio.com/eyewool/slap_hillary.html
Be sure and hear the clips

v v v v v

Why go to a psychiatrist
when you can stay at home and talk to the ceiling for free.

v v v v v

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given
a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are
the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments,
just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid
oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

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O.J. Simpson was arrested in Las Vegas and booked on charges
connected with an armed robbery with a gun.

O.J. Simpson called the charges ridiculous and said, "Everyone knows I prefer knives."


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Trying to Conceive? Tips for Getting Pregnant- iVillage
http://parenting.ivillage.com/ttc/topics/0,,4rwd,00.html
Whether you're just toying with the idea of motherhood or you've been trying
for a while, these conception and fertility resources will help you on your
journey to pregnancy.

Women's Initiative Blog - Deloitte & Touche USA LLP
http://www.deloitte.com/dtt/section_node/0,1042,sid%253D105220,00.html?WT.src
h=1&WT.mc_id=USGoogleWIN_Blog&gclid=CPnIoJHdpo8CFRGCGgodaTu4Rg
Welcome to the Women's Initiative blog moderated by Cathy Benko, High
Technology Industry Leader for Deloitte Consulting and National Managing
Director of the Initiative for the Retention and Advancement of Women, Deloitte
& Touche USA LLP ("Deloitte"). As many in the corporate world are aware,
Deloitte’s Women's Initiative (WIN) has been a force for change for quite some time. We're
about challenging conventional wisdom, leading innovation and simply making the
workplace a better place for all of us to be. So it's only fitting that WIN fire
up the first blog to help define the next generation workplace and workforce—out
there in the world, as well as here at Deloitte.
This is an ongoing community conversation about life, work, and everything in
between. So share your stories, your reflections and your learnings. Post your
articles and ideas. Express your opinions. Where the conversation goes
is really up to each of us.

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   The Top 7 Kid Moments Better Left *Not*
   Being Immortalized on Home Video

7> "Oh yeah? Well I'll bet I can get my finger up my nose all the
way to the *knuckle*!"

6> The Science Fair experiment: How how many revolutions while
tied to a ceiling fan does it take for the cat to lose
consciousness?

5> The source of her "brown period" in preschool art, fingerpaint
division.

4> Put it this way: A girl buying her first training bra does
*not* appreciate dressing-room cam.

3> "...and here's Emma on the Tilt-a-Whirl at the fair, after 13
boxes of caramel corn..."

2> Your son's playing dress-up in Mommy's clothing... before
heading out to the prom!

   and the Number 1 Kid Moments
   Better Left *Not* Being
Immortalized on Home Video...

1> Kodak moment: Baby son innocently touching his penis while
in the tub. Not a Kodak moment: Grown son touching *your*
penis under any circumstances.

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Two Faced Bitch
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1871.html
Here!

...settle for a blow job!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1872.html
Here!

...catching my drift?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1873.html
Here!

"Undo"?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1874.html
Here!

...you got drunk &....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1875.html
Here!

Not An Eye Doctor
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/021.htm
Here

She's brilliant
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1395.html
Here!

Good job on the name guys
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1396.html
Here!

Vice Squad
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1397.html
Here!

I wish I had thought of that
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1398.html
Here!

Something better
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1399.html
Here!

St. Bingo
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1400.html
Here!

Early lessons
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1401.html
Here!

Wisdom
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1402.html
Here!

Black or white!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1403.html
Here!

Trip to seaworld gone awry
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1404.html
Here!

X T R A   NAUGHTY links

Pucker Up
http://www.curlydavid.com/pucup.html

Pucker Up

Butterfly
http://www.curlydavid.com/butterf.html

Butterfly

Over Stuffed
http://www.curlydavid.com/overst.html

Over Stuffed

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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control

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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind

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©1999 - 2008 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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