Editor:  DebsSweet
  Graphic Editors:  Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
   CrispySue, kittykab
  Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
  Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet
  

 





MERRY CHRISTMAS!!


I am in talks with a new webhost and webmaster - checking on prices and should know
something by the first of the week.  I am so relieved - at least for now!

It should be said that Mike, my webmaster of several years has done the posting of
my newsletter for FREE.  He did this for one reason - out of the kindness of his heart.  There
was never an issue of him charging me even though I mentioned numerous times.
I know it looks easy but you need the knowledge of several extensive programs to know how
to post to a domain.  There is no way humanly possible I can do that and gather information,
graphics and then put it all together and then post it!?  No way in hell.  So keep your fingers
crossed - I have some fantastic things for the new year.

Want to test Vista SP1? Anyone can - you'll find out how in the WINDOWS area below!

  Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
  order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
  anti-virus and adware removal software!
 
  If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
  and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
  to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
 
  Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!
 
  and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 
 
 








"The newsletter is awesome - always enjoy Dottie"
Dottiesue16


:This is a hard questionnaire to fill out Deb!!  I’ve been with you from almost
the beginning, and I love each and every newsletter.
You can tell how much time, care and thought is put into your newsletter,
and we greatly appreciate it.  Nothing even compares out there.
Cari"
BlondeAngelEyz3@indy.rr.com
 


    v v v v v



Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy,
"I met this gorgeous blonde in a  bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my  place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the
mood and then she suddenly  asked me to take all her clothes off!"

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted 
her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop."

"Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"



  v v v v v



Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during
a visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told
my eleven-year-old daughter. "That's probably because there's a
Starbucks on every corner," she observed.



Linda Foley



  v v v v v



The worst part about going to night school to get my college
education was ending up with an 8:00 class and having to drag my
sleepy ass out of bed by 7:00 PM.



  v v v v v



A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this.'
She goes downstairs.

In 15 minutes she comes back up to bed and her husband says,
'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says, 'I put the dog in OUR backyard,
Let's just see how THEY like it.'  



  v v v v v


 


Terrific Turtles and Tortoises
 
 
Although they may not stand out as an obvious choice for many potential pet owners,
turtles and tortoises can actually make quite entertaining companions. They are beautiful,
intelligent, and in most cases, extremely long lived. Who could ask for better qualities in a pet?

Tortoises as Pets
http://exoticpets.about.com/ Guide Lianne McLeod
From size and lifespan to habitat and dietary requirements, learn all about
the most popular tortoise species and issues to consider before bringing one home.

Honor a Loved One This Thanksgiving
http://www.aspca.org/site/R?i=q1zBLR4UHdFnLaK3jw5SNw..
Start your own holiday tradition--let a gift to the
"A" honor those you're thankful for.

Signs Your Breeder Might Not Be a Good One
http://dogs.about.com/ GuideSite
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/dWJ

Lobbying 101: Working With Your Elected Officials
By learning to work the system, anyone can make real changes for
animals in their community. Remember, your elected officials work for
you--so set a meeting and get the ball rolling!
http://www.aspca.org/site/R?i=mlo2jyXuT-7ohxfzzT-_OA..

Furry Friends and Healthy Holidays - RealAge Tip of the Day
http://www.realage.com/news_features/tip.aspx?v=2&cid=18677
Got a furry friend you just love? Good for you! The comfort and companionship makes
your blood pressure lower and your RealAge younger. 
Now return the favor by keeping your pet healthy, too. Here are five 
holiday staples you need to keep out of reach, so Fido and Fluffy stay safe



  v v v v v



It was during the war. A soldier was found lashed to the train
tracks and his remains were spread widely when he was run over. The
police with the assistance of the F. B. I. and Army intelligence
rapidly investigated the incidence. A press conference was called
and the police chief was asked if this were part of a foreign
plot. "No," said the chief, "We believe there was a local motive."



  v v v v v



BACON WRAPPED CHESTNUTS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
2 pounds thick cut bacon  
2 (8 ounce) cans water chestnuts  

DIRECTIONS:  
Slice bacon in half; wrap one piece bacon around one chestnut.  
Skewer with toothpick to hold in place. Broil in toaster or  
conventional oven, turning frequently, until the bacon is  
evenly cooked. Serve warm.  
  
Yield: 24 Servings  



  v v v v v



Mike and his wife Bridget had a little tiff while they were getting
ready to attend a wedding.

On their way to the church, their seven-year-old daughter Gabrielle
sat in the back seat asking questions about marriage. "What does
it mean to get married?" she asked.

Mike explained, "It's when two people who love each other agree
to live together forever. Do you want to get married someday when
you grow up Gabby?"

The little girl replied, "No I want to be happy all the time."



  v v v v v






  v v v v v



"It was announced that the balloon millionaire Steve Fossett
used to travel around the world is going to be placed in the
Smithsonian. Reportedly, the balloon will be part of an exhibit
called, 'Rich Guys with Too Much Free Time.'"



Conan O'Brien



  v v v v v



                The Top 8 Complaints of Guide Dogs               


8> Two words: skydiving owner.

7> *Nothing* for the one who got us safely to this damn Dairy
    Queen in the first place?

6> Half the fun of humping the master's leg is lost when he can't
    see the sublime expression on your face.

5> Neutered, after all your selfless service to mankind? It seems
    that justice, too, is blind.

4> All those crotches to sniff on the subway but you have to
    remain curled up under the seat.

3> Having to play the pedal part on "Sir Duke" for thirty years.

2> If humans are so smart, why did they make the stop light and
    the go light both gray?


    and the Number 1 Complaint of Guide Dogs...


1> Your owner's heart is in the right place, but "Who's the
    fragrant boy? Aren't you the smelly doggie?" just doesn't
    sound the least bit complimentary.



  v v v v v


 


*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


Refrigerator Odors  

A little vanilla poured on a piece of cotton and placed  
in the refrigerator will eliminate odors. After cleaning  
the refrigerator add a dash of lemon extract to the rinse  
water for a fresh scent.


HINT 1  
If you have trouble keeping contact paper smooth when  
lining shelves or drawers, smooth out the paper with  
a blackboard eraser. Works Great! 

HINT 2  
Try putting salt on your fireplace logs and you'll reduce  
the amount of ashes produced.



  v v v v v



*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS


At Sunday School  they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was  created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him  lying down as though he were
ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the  matter?"


Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."



  v v v v v


2.

Two boys were walking home from  Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's
probably just your Dad."



  v v v v v








 
  v v v v v

 

HOLIDAY SUGAR COOKIES  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
3/4 cup solid shortening (butter flavored preferred)  
1 cup granulated sugar  
2 eggs  
1 tsp vanilla  
2-1/4 cups all-purpose flour  
1-1/2 tsp baking powder  
1/4 tsp salt  

DIRECTIONS:  
Cream shortening, sugar, eggs and vanilla in large mixer  
bowl at medium speed of electric mixer until light and  
creamy. Combine flour, baking powder and salt. Add to  
creamed mixture, mixing on low speed until well blended.  
Cover dough and chill 1 hour, if desired, for easy rolling.  
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Roll half of dough at a time.  
Roll out dough on lightly floured surface to 1/4-inch  
thickness. Using a cookie cutter, cut in desired shapes.  
Place on ungreased baking sheets. Roll leftover pieces.  
Sprinkle with colored decorations or leave plain to  
decorate when cool. Bake at 375 degrees for 8 to 10  
minutes, or until edges are light brown. (Time will vary  
with cookie size.) Cool slightly, then remove to cooling  
rack. Cool completely before decorating.  

Yield: about 36 cookies: varies with cookie size  
 
 
 
  v v v v v



Last night, my  friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.



  v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit. 
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod.
Something  was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken and Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At  the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !



  v v v v v

 
 
 
 

Moving The Mums
savvygardener.com


Your potted mums can be transplanted into the garden for many years of enjoyment. 
For best results, transplant them into well-drained soil as winter injury is most common when 
mums are planted in poorly-drained soils.  Potted mums are often grown in a mix that
is very high in organic matter.  If these are planted in very heavy clay soil without first
amending it, the difference between the two soil situations often prevents good
root establishment and increases the chance of winter kill.  

After the leaves have turned brown, cut back the tops and apply a loose airy mulch several
inches thick allowing light to get to the small basal shoots during the winter. The purpose of this
mulch is to provide wind protection and keep the soil shaded and frozen so that frost
heaving is minimized.  This protective mulch may be removed or pulled away from the 
crown by early to mid-April after danger of severe cold is past.



  v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS were having coffee together and
discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him  'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is
a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her a subtle  "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3", hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'"



  v v v v v



A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way
from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. 

Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack.  The paramedics were
called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.

The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance
rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so,
one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about
giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug.  She leaned toward the
stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast.
I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."



  v v v v v



 
Laptop Computing at a Cafe
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-4287.h
tml?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature ]

It's always good to buy what they're selling when you're
computing in a coffeehouse, diner, or cafe. Get a cup of
coffee. Have a biscotti. Get a snack. The management at some
places may enjoy having you there because it adds to the
atmosphere, but these places are also in the business of
making money

 

  v v v v v



Jones took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This is
one hot potato of a lady, doctor, " he said. "Maybe you can do
something for her? She goes for any man and I get very jealous."

"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed Mrs. Jones into his examining
room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told
her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It
was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and
began to screw her.

Jones suddenly heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to
control himself, he pushed open the door, to be confronted by the sight
of the doctor astride his wife banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.
The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Jones? I'm only taking your
wife's temperature!"

Jones opened his switchblade knife and began to hone it on his sleeve
very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that
thing out, it better have numbers on it!!!!"



  v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Apparently 
seeing no one he knew, he sat back down. A few moments later, we
heard some behind us yell "Hey Fred!" Again the young man jumped up
and scanned  the crowd. Still seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat
back down.

After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to himself. 
After each additional time, the mumbling became more frantic.

Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" The man leapt to his
feet and screamed to the crowd,

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, YOU BASTARD,  MY NAME'S NOT FRED!!!"



    v v v v v



 

 
Mind Maintenance -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT02/07/10/05/ALT02071005-01.html
As Alzheimer's reaches epidemic numbers, brain fitness takes center stage.
Retired geometry teacher Kay Sokoloff has always loved puzzles, crosswords and
mind benders, so she was pleasantly surprised to learn that this particular
addiction is good for her health.

AOL Body - AOL Body
http://body.aol.com/?ncid=AOLCMP00020000000001
AOL Health has changed its name to AOL Body, because it is much more than a
description of medical terms. It's a unified destination and a trusted source of information
for all aspects of your health, including diet, fitness and healthy living. Whether 
you have specific health concerns or are just looking for general advice, you can find
answers that are easy to access and understand.  In this chaotic and confusing world of
healthcare choices and information overload, AOL Body simplifies. 

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Digestion Time Of Foods
http://www.unani.com/digestion_time_of_foods.htm
Fascinating -- see how long it takes your body to digest certain  foods



  v v v v v


 
Q: Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach?
A: The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts.



Q: Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach?
A: The girl who can eat the seventh donut.



  v v v v v



Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"


20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson.. Paging Mr. Johnson..
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and
    locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.



  v v v v v

 

 


Jim and Tim’s (and your very own) Holiday Uses for Duct Tape
http://www.octanecreative.com/ducttape/holiday/index.html

glumbert - Best wedding first dance ever
http://www.glumbert.com/media/weddingfirstdance
It definitely is!

http://www.sydesjokes.com/pictures/r/redneck_christmas_sleigh.jpg
Oh no - LOL!



  v v v v v



A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says,
"I've got good news, and bad news for you."

The prisoner says, " Okay, what's the bad news? "

" the bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution !"

" Oh that's terrible.  What possibly could be the good news ?"

" The good news is that I got Your Voltage Reduced ! ! "



  v v v v v



HOLIDAY PARTY PINWHEELS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
2 pkgs 98 ounces ea) of cream cheese; softened  
1 dry packet of salad dressing mix, ranch flavor  
1/2 cup red bell pepper; minced  
1/2 cup celery; minced  
1/4 cup onions, green; sliced  
1/4 cup olives; sliced  
4 10-inch Tortillas  

DIRECTIONS:  
In a mixing bowl, beat cream cheese and dressing mix until  
smooth. Add red pepper, celery, onions, and olives; mix well.  
Spread about 3/4 cup of each tortilla. Roll up tightly; wrap  
in plastic wrap. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours. Slice into  
1/2 inch pieces.  

Yield: 15 Servings  



  v v v v v




 
Empty Nest Syndrome and Letting Go
http://womensissues.about.com/od/startingover/a/EmptyNest.htm
As sure as summer turns to fall, every August thousands of women across the 
country experience a unique form of heartbreak. It’s not unrequited love – it’s
the bittersweet act of sending a child off to college. Empty nest syndrome
creates anxiety for even the most independent of women. Next to childbirth, it’s
  one of the biggest transitions of motherhood.

Work and Family: Finding Balance - iVillage
http://parenting.ivillage.com/mom/workfamily/topics/0,,4rlb,00.htm
l?ivNPA=1&sky=ggl|ivl|pp|mom|PPCB476a|c
40 mom-tested tips for balancing work and family



  v v v v v



I saw my coworker Jim Monday morning. I was about to
ask him how his weekend went when I noticed his black
eye. It was a real shiner. "What the hell happened to
you?  Were you mugged?" I asked.

"Worse" Jim said painfully.

"Were you hit by a car?  What happened?"

"Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast
in Mendocino this weekend. We met Liz and Kevin
there." he said.

"Well?  How did you get that black eye? How did you
get those bruises on your arms? What about that cut
over your other eye? Were you in an auto accident?"
I said, interrupting his story.

"Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table
with Liz and Kevin and a couple on their honeymoon.
We were all having breakfast together. "That honeymoon
couple looked at each other with love in their eyes,
when he turned to his new bride and asks
'Would you please pass the sugar, sugar'.

We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the
'isn't that romantic' look women get.

Then Kevin said to Liz 'please pass the honey, honey.'

Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me. The last
thing I remember before waking up in the emergency
room was turning to Suzie and saying

'Please pass the tea-bag'."



  v v v v v



Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out
of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them
some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old
bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were
offered and returned to their car.

As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the
tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled
down his window and said,
"Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't
help admiring your faith!"



  v v v v v


 
 


All About Men: Facts About Your Frame - RealAge Tip of the Day
http://www.realage.com/news_features/tip.aspx?v=2&cid=18599
Guess what? Guys can get bone problems like osteoporosis, too. An
estimated 12 million men are at risk for the disease.

Calcium and vitamin D help  protect you. So do weight-bearing exercises like lifting
weights and hiking. And  here's another thing you can do for
your bones: Eat some crab salad.  Why?


 
  v v v v v

 
  
"Don't worry," a patient told his psychiatrist. "I'll pay
every cent I owe or my name isn't Alexander the Great!"

  
  
     v v v v v


  
   A college student with a young child was pleased
when her daughter became eligible to attend the day
care center at the University.  The director of the
day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. 
To assure herself of the center's high standards,
the young mother asked about the curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we
are studying the children's favorite philosopher: 

Play-Doh."
   


  v v v v v









  v v v v v



                 The Top 7 Healthy Holiday Movies                



7> Rudolph the Red-Faced Jogger

6> The Workout Before Christmas

5> The Buns-Cracker

4> Santa Claus is Coming to Gold's Gym

3> Rudolf the Low-Fat, High Omega 6 Fatty Acid, Made of Tasty
    Venison Reindeer

2> Miracle Abs Workout on 34th St.


    and the Number 1 Healthy Holiday Movie...


1> Jock Frost



   v v v v v



      The Top 10 Reasons Why Your Hubby Is Better Than Santa     


10> Hubby's not always off playing with the damned elves.

9> Hubby doesn't fantasize about a threesome with the tooth fairy
    and the easter bunny.

8> Your hubby wants to come down your chimney more than just once a year.

7> Hubby almost never leaves you at home on Christmas Eve to go
    visit the homes of strange women.

6> Your husband's lap doesn't reek of urine. Well, excluding
    poker night.

5> Santa spends just a little too much time around little kids.

4> While hardly a fashion plate, hubby has enough sense not to
    wear the same damn outfit every day of the year.

3> You almost never have to wait in line to talk to Hubby, and
    you're rarely required to sit in his lap when you get there.
    (Your mileage may vary.)

2> Santa: With a few belts, his pants stay on. Hubby: With a few
    belts, his pants come off.


    and the Number 1 Reason Why Your Hubby Is Better Than Santa...


1> Wait, he is?



  v v v v v



*submitted by*
LURALLEN







  v v v v v



CHRISTMAS TREE BREAD  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
2/3 cup milk  
1/2 cup granulated sugar  
1 large egg, yolk and white separated  
3/4 cup (4 ounces) diced dried fruit mix  
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour  
1 tablespoon baking powder  
1 1/2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice  
      (or 3/4 tsp ground cinnamon & 3/4 tsp ground cloves)  
1/2 teaspoon salt  
1 stick cold, unsalted butter, cut to small pieces  
Granulated sugar  

DIRECTIONS:  
Check to see that one rack is in bottom third of oven and  
heat oven to 425 degrees F. Measure milk in a 2-cup measure,  
add sugar and egg yolk, stir to mix well.Stir in dried fruit.  
Let stand until ready to use. Put flour, baking powder, spice,  
and salt into a large bowl, stir to mix well. Add butter and  
cut in with pastry blender or rub in with fingers, until  
mixture looks like fine granules. Stir milk mixture and pour  
over flour mixture. Stir with a fork until a soft dough forms.  
Turn out dough onto a lightly floured surface and give 10  
kneads. (If very sticky, let stand 3 or 4 minutes or add a  
little more flour.) Cut off about one-fourth of the dough.  
Put remaining dough on an ungreased cookie sheet at least 16  
inches long. Using both rolling pin and fingers, pat and roll  
dough into a flat triangle about 12 inches long and 9 inches  
wide across the bottom. With scissors, make about ten diagonal  
cuts down each long side of the triangle, cutting to within  
about 1 inch of the center.Shape a small piece of reserved  
dough into a trunk at bottom of tree and remaining dough into  
a "pot." Dough may now be covered with plastic wrap and  
refrigerated for a couple of hours or frozen for up to 2  
weeks. Bake tree 10 minutes. Beat egg white with a fork  
until broken up. Brush over hot bread, sprinkle with sugar.  
Bake 5 to 8 minutes longer, until light brown. With two  
spatulas, carefully transfer tree to a wire rack. If possible,  
cool at least 2 hours before serving. Let guests break off  
small pieces.  

Yield: 10-12 Small Servings  




  v v v v v

  
 
 

Love Me With All Your Heart
http://www.marycy.org/allyrheart.html

Christmas Love Ecards,Romantic Christmas Greetings,Love Christmas
  Egreetings,romantic christmas ecards,christmas
http://www.greet2k.com/festivals/christmas/love_ecards/index.shtml) 
Ecards to send your favorites

Free Mistletoe Kisses Ecards, Mistletoe Kisses Greeting Cards, Mistletoe
  Kisses Greetings, Cards, ecards, egreetin
http://cards.123india.com/cgi-bin/newcards/showthumbs.p
l?q1=edec_c_love_kisses&log=india123
More cute ecards

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
Return To Me_ (http://solosong.net/dino/return/return.html



  v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something
that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. 
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."



  v v v v v



Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
 


  v v v v v


 
 
 
 

 
     Click here: WorldStart's Video Tip of the Week
  http://imgsrv.worldstart.com/videotips/index.htm
  We all have several programs on our computers, don't we? And chances are,
we use at least half of those on a daily basis. So, have you ever had a program that
only opens in its "normal" state? You know, it doesn't open up to its full capacity.
Well, how would you like to change that so it opens up in its maximized state?
Yeah, I thought you might like that. To understand more about what I'm talking about and to
get started with this tip, just click on the link below. It's all ready for you there!

     

  v v v v v



Q. How many body builders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Three. One to screw in the light bulb. Two to stand near
   saying,"YOU'RE HUGE MAN, YOU'RE HUGE!"


Q. How many Chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Only one, but it takes 15 visits.

 

  v v v v v



Rules for Dogs


* The cat is not a self propelled squeaky toy.

* I will not steal the remote control and bury it.

* Mommy's pots and pans do not need to be taken outside and
  added to my "borrowed things" pile.

* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
  Mom's driver's license and car registration.

* I will not dig to China and bring home a dinner guest.

* I will not do 90mph over all the furniture when people are
  sitting on it.



  v v v v v







  v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



The Journey of Man 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an
  emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable
and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided
that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially
and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to
find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned  31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. 

She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 

I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.



  v v v v v



MEN - YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD WHEN


1.  You sit on the toilet for 2 hours and you can't shit or jackoff

2.  Most of the spam email you get is about cremation services

3.  Your dick is getting smaller and your balls are filling
up your pants

4.  Piss stains are outnumbering cum stains in your underwear

5.  Your belt level is above your tits



  v v v v v

 

 
 

  *submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
What I  Like To Do
http://asandboxgreeting.com/coffeetime07.html

~ Someone Thought Of You ~  Brought to you by Creations From The Heart .Biz
http://www.creationsfromtheheart.biz/someonethoughtofyou.html



  v v v v v



  RICE STUFFED PORK ROAST  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
3/4 cup slivered almonds  
2 tablespoons butter or margarine  
3/4 cup sliced green onions  
3/4 cup chopped celery  
4 cup cooked brown rice  
3/4 cup orange juice; divided  
2 tablespoons grated orange peel  
1 tablespoon diced crystallized ginger, divided  
1/2 ts salt  
1 Boneless pork loin roast  
-(3-1/2 lbs.), rolled and tied  
1 teaspoons dried rosemary, crushed  
1/4 teaspons cracked black pepper  
16 ounces canned cranberry sauce  
1 orange, peeled & sectioned  

DIRECTIONS:  
Cook almonds in butter in large skillet over medium-high heat  
until brown. Add onions and celery; cook until vegetables are  
tender crisp. Stir in rice, 1/2 cup orange juice, orange peel,  
1 teaspoon ginger, and salt; set aside. Untie roast, and spoon  
rice mixture lengthwise between loins. Retie roast securely  
with string at 2- to 3-inch intervals; place, fat side down,  
on rack in shallow roasting pan. Combine rosemary and pepper;  
sprinkle over roast. Insert meat thermometer does not touch  
stuffing or fat. Bake at 325 degrees. for 1-1/2 hours. Combine  
cranberry sauce, remaining orange juice, remaining ginger, and  
orange in small saucepan; stir well. Simmer over medium heat 25  
minutes, stirring occasionally. Brush about 1/2 cup cranberry  
mixture over pork. Bake an additional 15 minutes or until meat  
thermometer registers 170 degrees. Let roast stand 10 minutes.  
Remove string and slice roast. Serve with remaining cranberry sauce.  
  
Yield: 6 Servings  



  v v v v v








  v v v v v




The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women,
has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for
over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra."

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.



  v v v v v



One of my dogs is a Chow.  Chows are very prone to seizures and
typically take phenobarb for their entire lives to keep this
under control.  When I recently picked up his prescription,
which is made out to "Virgil Caine (Dog)", it had a sticker on it
warning him that it "May cause drowsiness, Alcohol may
intensify this effect, Use care when operating a car or dangerous
machinery."

Needless to say, we no longer let him drive his dump truck.
You can also bet there is no beer for him!



v v v v v



 
 
 
 
The Vainest Drivers of Them All? - AOL News
http://news.aol.com/story/_a/the-vainest-drivers-of-them-all/200
71112121909990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001
A state-by-state survey of the popularity of vanity license plates has found that car
and truck owners in a certain state are vainest of them all --- 
which state?  Check out the link!

Car maintenance  schedules, car recalls, and car dealership marketing and
appointment scheduling software - Service
http://www.servicebeacon.com/
Your car needs more than just the occasional oil change. Tire rotations, 
brake service, new timing belts, and tune-ups are just some of the many services 
necessary to keep it running smoothly and safely. Do you know when these
services need to be performed? If your answer is "no," or "not really,"
then ServiceBeacon is for you.



v v v v v



HOMEMADE FOR THE HOLIDAYS  

Nothin says lovin like a homemade gift from the heart  
and this Holiday Spiced Potpourrie does just the trick.  

NEEDED:  
4 Oranges  
4 Lemons  
1/2 c Whole cloves  
1/2 c Whole allspice  
10 Cinnamon Sticks, broken  
10 Bay leaves, crumbled  
8 oz Decorated jelly jars with bands & lids  

INSTRUCTIONS:  
Using a vegetable peeler, peel fruit carefully, removing  
only the peel, not any of the white pith. cut or tear into  
one inch pieces Spread peel on paper towel lined pan. place  
in preheated oven to 175, or set oven to WARM. dry in oven  
for 1 1/2 hours, tossing occasionally. Peels should be  
leathery and/or slightly crunchy. spread peels on dry paper  
towels and let air dry for 24 hours. Combine with remaining  
ingredients. fill jars with mixture, place lids on and screw  
bands on tightly. yield: 3 or 4 half pint jars.  

To use: remove lid and leave band on for decoration to  
fragrance a room. OR put one Tablespoon into a jar and fill  
jar with boiling water to release fragrance.  

ENJOY!  



v v v v v



Condoms aren't completely safe.  A friend of mine was wearing
one and got hit by a bus



v v v v v



During the last carpool the subject was teenagers and their
appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything,
anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such
appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed
them because they were always grazing.

The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method for
judging the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli and if they were
jumping and snapping at it I figured they were hungry enough to
be fed."


 
    v v v v v


 
 
 
 

* 15 Great, Free Security Programs
Turn your PC on, and you're immediately  vulnerable to malicious
attacks. But you can use these free applications to minimize the
dangers and protect yourself. 
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,133631-page,1/article.html?tk=nl_cxanws 

ScrubIT (exe), from ScrubIT - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?&compid=64883&docid=307433&tag=nl.e530
ScrubIT is a free recursive DNS server that regulates what comes into your home or
business. ScrubIT 'scrubs' the Internet so you don't have to be concerned about what your
family members or employees will be confronted with. ScrubIT is perfect for any home
or business that is tired of the plague of pornographic and malicious Web sites.

Spyware Doctor - Best Spyware Removal. Free Trial Download
http://www.pctools.com/spyware-doctor/) 
Spyware is loosely defined as, "any program which gathers information
(about you) through an Internet connection -- without your knowledge."
Spyware can gather information about your email address, keystrokes,
browser cookies, passwords, credit card numbers, and can send
advertisements -- even if you're not connected to the Internet!

Holiday Lights from Tiger Technologies
http://www.tigertech.com/hlights.html
Holiday Lights strings rows of Christmas tree bulbs around the edges of your screen,
with festive music playing in the background. It even includes a  screen saver with
gently falling snow and other seasonal choices to put you in  the holiday spirit. 
If you wish, the colorful lights can flash on your desktop while you continue to work,
so it's not just a screen saver. Choose from more than forty different bulbs for any
season, including standard Christmas tree lights, chili peppers, stockings, holly,
snowmen, happy faces, Valentine's Day hearts, Thanksgiving  turkeys, Halloween Jack-O-Lanterns,
Hannukah dreidles and menorahs, and  more. This has been around forever - I love it!

So, how can you stop your system from becoming infected ... in  thefirst place?
Ashampoo Uninstaller Suite
http://www.infopackets.com/channels/en/windows/gazette/2
004/20040302_ashampoo_uninstaller_suite.htm
Have you ever downloaded a program that refused to uninstall itself from your system?



    v v v v v



After earning my degree in broadcast journalism, I was fortunate to
land a job as a disc jockey at a top-rated local radio station. One
day before work, I stopped by my parents' house, where my mother
was chatting with some friends. She introduced me to everyone and
proudly mentioned that I had my own radio show. "How is it having
a son who's a popular radio personality?" asked one friend."

"It's wonderful!"  Mom replied with glee. "For the first time in his life,
I can turn him off whenever I please."



    v v v v v



New Corporate Mottos


Taco Bell: 50% less rats, 30% less diarrhea.

Blockbuster Video: We don't just hate you, the customer, we are
also stupid and lazy.

Red Robin: Come see waiters sing annoying birthday songs as their
dreams, hopes and pride vanish before your eyes.

Starbucks: Yes, we know we are annoyingly snotty, but, after all,
so are our customers.

The Miami Dolphins: Taking futility to the next level.

Olive Garden: You didn't really buy that crap about Italians eating
here, did you?

Dominoes: In thirty minutes you too can learn that even pizza can be bad.

Cinnabon: If you've had more than one, you're white trash.

Subway: Yes, we know the beef is gray. We just don't care.

KFC: Like anyone who eats out of a bucket cares what they eat.

McDonalds: Your food will be tasty even though it is made by folks
who can't get a job anywhere else.

Rite Aid: Yes, we think it feels like the DMV too, but there are
a lot of us.

Sunday Night Football: If you drink everytime Madden says Favre,
you'll be lit by halftime.

Radio Shack: We may look like computer geeks, but we don't actually
know crap.

Jamba Juice: No, the shakes don't make us feel bloated, but that's
because we're mindless robots.

Tums: Your stomach is just the first in a long line of body parts
that will soon give out on you. Get used to it



    v v v v v

   




*submitted by*
pavanco1@embarqmail.com
Free Christmas Music - Download Free Christmas MP3s, Seasonal Music
http://feelslikechristmas.com/christmas-music-mp3s.html
Download free music!  Yeah!

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
If Every Day Was Like Christmas - Elvis Presley
http://www.barb-coolwaters.com/christmas/likechristmas.html

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Christmas Carol Lyrics - Free, Searchable Database
http://www.asksam.com/ebooks/christmas-carols/
Search the lyrics of more than 120 Christmas Carols.
Find the words to more than 120 different Christmas Carols. Search by title
or any word  within the text of a Christmas songs. Find Christmas
music with similar lyrics online.

Patti LaBelle - "Miss Patti's Christmas"
http://randb.about.com/od/artistsnthroughz/gr/MissPattisXmas.htm
When you say the word 'Christmas,' it has many different meanings to 
different people. For some, the word is most associated with gifts or shopping.  For
others, it's synonymous with love or romance. Others most associate the word
Christmas with snow or vacationing. But on her latest holiday album, Miss Patti's
Christmas, Patti LaBelle reminds us all about the true meaning of Christmas: spirituality.

This Week's Forgotten Gem of the '80s: INXS' "This Time"
http://80music.about.com/b/a/007497.htm
Back when this Australian former bar band was still a guitar rock outfit instead of the
dance-inflected showcase for Michael Hutchence that it became, this excellent mid-tempo
track represented the group at its best. Boasting a potent mixture of guitars and a light layer
of post-new wave keyboards, the arrangement allows plenty of room for Hutchence's
deliberate but sultry style to dominate tastefully. I was never a big fan of INXS' smash
1987 release  Kick, as I felt the album's slickness and shameless appeal for pop music 
airplay cheapened the blue-collar appeal of the band's early years.

2008 NEA Jazz Masters Announced
http://jazz.about.com/b/a/257775.htm
The National Endowment for the Arts has announced the recipients of the 2008 NEA Jazz Master
Fellowships, the highest honor awarded to jazz musicians by the US government. This
year's honorees include Quincy Jones (pictured), Candido Camero, Tom McIntosh,
Gunther Schuller, and  Joe Wilder. Pianist and composer
Andrew Hill received a posthumous award.



    v v v v v



Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time
in baseball history that the players have more additives in them
than the hot dogs.



Arco Max



    v v v v v




Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set that had
neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room, Harry spotted the
cause immediately: the set was unplugged. Harry faced a dilemma:
one part of him said he shouldn't charge the woman; the other
insisted he be paid for his time. Finally, he presented her with
a minimum-charge service bill, which read: "Restored isolated
connecting cable to primary power source. $25."



    v v v v v



O.J. Simpson will have to stand trial for the alleged theft of
memorabilia in Las Vegas. He says "As always, I rely on the jury
system." The only question, are Las Vegas jurors anywhere near as
gullible and dumb as they are in L.A.?



Jim Barach



    v v v v v







    v v v v v



A dog is sleeping and snoring. "Well, hello there, What's a poodle
like you doing in a place like this?"

"No, I don't believe we have met before. You may recognize me from
some of my films."

"I do all the stunt work for Lassie."

"But now I'm in training for the Iditarod as lead sled dog. I have
to stay in top condition. Would you like to feel my bicep?"

1st man: "Should I wake him?"

2nd man: "No, its best just letting sleeping dogs lie."



    v v v v v



Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.



    v v v v v



There was a fire in the boarding house where all the chorus girls
from a nearby burlesque theater stayed during show runs.

It took firemen three hours to put the fire out.

Then it took the police three more hours to put the firemen out.



     v v v v v

 
 


  Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml



  v v v v v
 


Politics is the art of looking for trouble,  finding it whether it exists or not,
diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying  the wrong remedy.

 

  v v v v v



My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when
communications went dead.  Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and
ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their
arrival.  The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my
father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to
his driver.  "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"Congratulations," he said.  "The major's wife just had a baby girl."



  v v v v v



I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the
hamper.  He looked puzzled, and I explained.  "You know; it's the place
where we put our dirty clothes before they're washed."   My son picked
up his things, trotted into my bedroom, and dropped his clothes on the
floor...on his father's side of the bed.



  v v v v v


 
 
 


Want to test Vista SP1? Anyone can
http://blogs.zdnet.com/microsoft/?p=1013&tag=nl.e590
Microsoft is making the Release Candidate (RC) test build of Windows Vista Service
Pack (SP) 1 available to a private group of 
testers this week and to the general public the week of December 10. 
Microsoft confirmed its RC rollout plans on December 5. Today, Wednesday, the 
company made the Vista SP1 RC bits available via Microsoft Connect to the same
15,000 testers it provided with the RC preview. On December 6, Thursday, 
Microsoft plans to make the Vista SP1 RC bits available on the Microsoft 
Developer Network (MSDN) and TechNet, officials said. And next week, the week of 
the 10th, Microsoft plans to make the Vista SP1 RC build available to anyone
interested in downloading it from the Microsoft Download site.
Microsoft is still on track to deliver the final SP1 bits in the first 
calendar quarter of 2008, officials said.

PC World - Vista Resistance: Why XP Is Still So Strong
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,137635/article.html?tk=nl_esxnws
Windows Vista is facing stiff competition from an unlikely source: Windows  XP. 
The six-year-old operating system is showing surprising strength more than
half a year after the full launch of its successor. In April, Dell acknowledged 
continued XP demand and resumed offering XP as an option on new systems. In 
July, Microsoft chief financial officer Chris Liddell ratcheted up the
percentage of OS sales the company expects XP to account for in fiscal year 2008
from 15 percent to 22 percent. Finally, in August, Microsoft announced an XP 
Service Pack 2c release that does nothing more than add new Windows XP product
keys so the company can keep selling the OS to businesses through January 31, 2009.



  v v v v v



An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a
reporter went up to him.
"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied "every day
at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic."



  v v v v v

 
 
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been
feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of
water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take
the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers,
"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."



  v v v v v


 
 
 
   
Waste cell phone can cause serious environ hazards
The New Nation - Bangladesh
Ahmad Wasimul Haque Bari also chief researcher of the project urged to introduce
and implement Take Back and Exchange; offer by the cell phone importers ...

Reverse 911 Available For Cell Phones
NBC Sandiego.com - San Diego,CA,USA
But, because many people no longer have a home telephone the Department
of Homeland Security decided to extend the service to cell phones

Donate cell phones to help domestic violence victims
Honolulu Advertiser - Honolulu,HI,USA
Fans attending tonigh's University of Hawaii women's volleyballgame at
7 pm may donate used cell phones and accessories to benefitvictims of domestic ...
 


  v v v v v



There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They
went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
solving skills. He tried a test to narrow the area of speciality. He
put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water
on the table. He said "Boil the water." Both men moved the pot
from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the
water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and
a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water." The
first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The
counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each
problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to
the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and
turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be a mathematician
because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem.



  v v v v v



These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest
wife. The  conversation begins to get heated to the point of the
Barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says,
"Why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others
houses and decide for yourselves..."

Damn good idea they agree, so they finish their drinks and make off for
the first guys house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife
answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two.

Not so fast says the second, I got that beat. And off they go to his
house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer. As the door
opens all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly.  He asks to collect
the bet but the third guy says, "Sorry I've got you both beat.

They go to his house and walk right in, there's no sign of anyone
around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they hear
This voice say,

"Is that you honey?"

"Yeah  it's me," he says.

"Do you want me to come out?" she asks

"Yes please," he says.

"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.

He says, "No. I don't want to screw you, I just want to show you off!"



  v v v v v


 
 
 

 
New York 2007: Park Yourself -- Travel - washingtonpost.com
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/linkset/2007/05/04/L
I2007050400810.html?wpisrc=newsletter&wpisrc=newsletter
Enjoy 10 ways to get acquainted with the park on your next trip to New York.

DETAILS
Central Park Activities and Centers
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/04/AR2007050400755.html
While away the hours with everything from ice skating to Rollerblading.

Summer Events
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/04/AR2007050400752.html
New Yorkers say Central Park is enjoyed best when you don't have a grand plan.
That doesn't mean you have to just sit in the sun.

WHERE TO STAY
East Side, West Side, All Around the Park
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/04/AR2007050400753.html
Peruse a sampling of rooms with a park view, including what you'll pay
to hobnob among horse-drawn carriages.

Where to Eat
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/04/AR2007050400794.html
Dining in Central Park can be pricey, but you can cut costs by picking up
picnicking provisions and here are some options.

The Fab Five: Parks Less Traveled
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/04/AR2007050401218.html
To take in some green space in the asphalt jungle of Manhattan,
head to one of these lesser-known parks.

GETTING THERE
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/04/AR2007050400761.html
Find how to get from the Washington area to New York.

Photos
New York City's Backyard
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/photo/gallery/070503/GAL-07May03-73174/index.html
With 150 acres of water, 240 acres of lawns, 136 acres of woodlands and 58 miles
of pedestrian pathways, there's plenty to do and see in Central Park.



  v v v v v



A fifteen-year-old son, bounding into the house full
of energy after school, found his mom in sick and in bed.

"Mom, are you really sick?" he  asked, very concerned.

"Yes, son. I don't feel very well," his  mother replied.

"Well mom, don't you worry a bit about getting 
dinner ready," the son cheerfully said. "I'll be
happy to carry you down to the stove."



  v v v v v



I was in a barbershop once, and an obviously
new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.

The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked
solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"

"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll  just carry it home under my arm."


 
  v v v v v


 
 


If my erection lasts longer than four hours,
you BET I'm contacting a professional!
(Richard Skora)

                         
I got a mixed review on my performance evaluation
for my job as a bodyguard/census taker. I scored
high marks for "kicking ass," but my boss
said I need to improve at "taking names."
(Chuck Sawyer)

                         
I almost died today. I was walking through the
park and tripped on a guy with white face paint
pretending to be a ROCK. You never know you're going
to get killed by a land-mime until you step on one.
(Bad Macaw)


I told the doctor that I was prone to sudden,
unexpected sleep while I gazed at my own beauty
in the mirror. He diagnosed me with narcoleptissism.
(Paul B.)
 


  v v v v v



Did you know that if Darth Vader was from Arkansas, he would  
have told Luke: "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."  



  v v v v v



A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

     Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by 
a gynecologist patron of ours.  It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

     The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

     The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."


  v v v v v







  v v v v v



    The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. 
Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground.
       Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out:
"All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!"

       Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.

       Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens:  "All right, just half of you this time!"
 
 

  v v v v v



 
 
 
Neptune's Secret
http://www.gamehouse.com/gamedetails/?game=neptunesse&navpage=downloadgames
Help a young archaeologist uncover the secret of a lost kingdom, and discover the truth
about herself, in this eye-popping adventure that's full of seek-and-find fun. Abandoned
as a newborn with only a mysterious amulet, Hannah became an archaeologist
specializing in ancient artifacts and symbols. Dive deep beneath the waves to the
lost city of Atlantis and join Hannah on her search for the true story of Neptune's demise
and the mystical secrets of her own lineage and the power of her amulet. Featuring 75
gorgeously detailed levels, loads of cleverly hidden objects to find, and a thrilling story
to reveal, Neptune's Secret is an exciting plunge into the depths of fun

Playing Beggar My Neighbor
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-999.html?cid=etipArticleLink

  A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined
to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration,
the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of
his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two
pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave
them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would
reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the
attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she
exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had
me put the money in the basement."
 


  v v v v v


 
 


*submitted by*
jacksinfl@gmail.com
Follow the Flights of September 11, 2001
http://www.kerman94.com/911-Flights.HTM
Watch the actual Flight Paths of each airplane on 9-11

*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com
The Gratitude Campaign
http://www.gratitudecampaign.org/fullmovie.php
This is simply WONDERFUL




  v v v v v



I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my
hearing aid.



  v v v v v



"I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so
that I could get laid three or four times a week."

"That's funny," said another patron. "That's why
I got divorced."



  v v v v v



Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed
husband cried out, "Jan what are you doing?"

Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said,
"Didn't I tell you he was a fucking idiot?"



  v v v v v


 
 
 

Top 50 Sites for Kids - The Amusement Park of the Web : All My Faves |  Blog
http://www.allmyfaves.com/blog/kids/top-50-sites-for-kids-the-amusement-park-of-the-web/
worldstart.com

TOP 50 SITES FOR KIDS. I'm fairly sure that the sites mentioned at http://www.
allmyfaves.com/blog/kids/top-50-sites-for-kids-the-amusement-park-of-the-web/ won't
appeal to the majority of this audience. But if you're a kid at heart or you're babysitting
or homeschooling a  kid, or you're a grandparent trying to keep the young
ones busy, there'as a wealth of resources here.



   v v v v v



   According to a 1999 survey by the Scott Paper Company:

* You can gauge a person's education by whether they read
  in the bathroom.

* More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and
  doctorates read in the stall.

* Only one in two high school grads read while in the
  bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.

* Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue
  neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.

* Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)

* More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper
  roll over the top, twenty nine percent from the bottom.
  The rest don't care.
 


  v v v v v



What's the definition of eternity?
From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home.



  v v v v v






Google Calculator - Did you know that Google has a built in calculator?

Well, now you do and you can start using it right away! With it, you can actually
solve basic to advanced math problems. How great is that?!  If  you have a math
problem that you just cannot solve (maybe you're helping your children or grandchildren
with their homework), go to Google and type it in.  Just for an example, here's an
easy one: "2 + 3." Type that in and your answer will be revealed as "2 + 3 = 5."
You can enter in any math equation, no matter how easy or how hard it is!



  v v v v v



A man called the doctor's office and says that his wife has the flu and
needs an appointment.

The receptionist replied that the office was going to be closed for a
couple of days, but that he could have an appointment in 3 days.

The man went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?!!!
The doctor can't see her for three days?!!! She could be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would
you please call to cancel the appointment?" 



   v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland  .
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young
lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend
wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the
woman. 'Miss Fitzgerald,'  he said sternly. 'This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back
and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink
and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their
balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt
hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oy mate, we won't have any of
that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff.'

The landlord nodded and said,  'Ah well, if you're that far in, ye
might as well finish.'



  v v v v v









  v v v v v



A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to
include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks why?

He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different."

She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in
the air, and WHAM!! swings it up between his balls... After much
pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the hell did you do that?"

She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different."



  v v v v v







  v v v v v



A used car dealer, was determined to break all sales
records with his 'like new' models. A large sign in his window
announced: "One Blonde Free With Every Car."

A delighted young stud plunked down his money and, in hot 
anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He 
parked, gave her a few preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion
in her ear. She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that when
you bought  this car."



v v v v v



A professional treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure
in an ocean cove.  He searched for hours with no luck. Finally he
started toward the shore. When he was about knee deep in the water
he tripped over an old strong box. He scooped it out and opened
it.  It was full of gold coins!


The Moral: Booty is only shin deep.
 


v v v v v

  


  *submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
http://badaboo.free.fr/merryxmas.sw
I look for this every year - I love it!

2.  Merry  Christmas from Power Presentations, Inc
http://www.powerpres.com/xmascard03.html
Decorate the house!  A little or a lot!

3. Merry Christmas from glue
http://xmas.glueserv.com/
Type in what you want Santa to bring you!

4.  card1
http://ecard.ashland.edu/2004admission/index.html

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Sleighride
http://www.mamarocks.com/sleighride.htm) 

2.  'Twas The  Night Before - For Moms
http://www.my-tgif.com/Christmasmom.shtml

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
http://www.bakingdelights.com/2007/11/04/bake-your-cake-and-drive-it-too/
A car (lifesize) that's a cake

2.  http://www.techcrun
Pennsylvania resident Dylan Stephen Jayne is suing Google for crimes against
humanity and is asking the court for $5 billion in damages. The charge: his
social security number, when turned upside down and scrambled spells Google.

3.  The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation
http://www.actsofkindness.org/b
Become a member - free! 
Through the dissemination of ideas and the development of materials and
programs, we have helped our kindness coordinators – including educators,
students, community members, faith groups, service clubs, and others – 
incorporate kindness into thousands of schools and communities. As people tap
into their own generous human spirit and share kindness with one another, they
discover for themselves the power of kindness to effect positive change. When
kindness is expressed, healthy relationships are created, community connections
are nourished, and people are inspired to pass kindness on.

4.  2007 Holiday Ornaments
http://www.whitehouse.gov/holiday/2007/holiday-ornaments.html
These are just a sampling of the 347 ornaments hand-created by artists
whose designs represent America's national parks, memorials, seashores, historic 
sites and monuments displayed on the tree in the Blue Room at the White  House

5.  Neatorama » Blog Archive » Disney Christmas Cards c.1950
(http://www.neatorama.com/2007/11/10/disney-christmas-cards-c-1950/
Very neat gallery of scanned Disney Christmas cards from the 1950s.

*submitted by*
BillieJo50
BBC - Shropshire - Christmas Name Generator
http://www.bbc.co.uk/shropshire/features/christmas/name_generator.shtml
A cute name generator for Christmas

2. Clean Home Journal™
http://www.cleanhomejournal.com/ecard/?hs225=chj&hs227=holiday2007
Cute!  Decorate your own snowglobe

Grinch Name--Discover your true identity
http://www.yourgeekfriend.com/GrinchName/GrinchName.php?
FirstName=betty&LastName=medrano&submit=Go!
Discover your true Grinch name!  Mine is Stingygrinch Crankyton

curiology - Bergdorf Goodman Holiday Windows 2007 NYC
http://amyvcooper.com/blog/index.php?title=bergdorf_goodman_ho
liday_windows_2007&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1

poetnmysol.com poetry by Joyce Ann Geyer ~*~Home For Christmas~*~
http://www.poetnmysol.com/christmashome.html

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
movies773
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies773.html
Scroll down - way down!

2.  Santa's Jigsaw - animated Flash ecard by Jacquie Lawson
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552

*submitted by*
dallas229@cox.net
Christmas Music Radio Stations Live on the Web
http://www.mikesradioworld.com/xmas.html) 

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
http://susie1114.com/Christmas/NuttinforChristmas.html

2.  ~  Homecoming Christmas ~
http://www.blueyze.net/homecomingchristmas.html

Christmas Poems: A collection of classic poems for Christmas
http://poetry.about.com/od/ourpoemcollections/a/christmaspoems.htm) 
Holiday reading and reflection - poems



  v v v v v







v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfl@gmail.com



Two girl friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"



  v v v v v



Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.

Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?

Patient: No, just spots.

 

  v v v v v

 

I love to give homemade gifts..........which kid would you like?



  v v v v v







  v v v v v



Dear Santa,

Everything I want is either immoral, illegal or fattening!



  v v v v v



Hey!  Don't get your tinsel in a tangle!



  v v v v v



Three Wise Men......................Right



  v v v v v



While meditating in the country, a poet noticed a farmer looking
at him curiously.

"Ah," said the poet, "perhaps you, too, have seen the golden-red
fingers of dawn speeding across the eastern sky, the red-stained
sulfurous islets floating in a lake of wine in the West, the ragged
clouds at midnight, blotting out the shuddering moon?"

"No," replied the farmer, "not lately. I've been on the wagon for
more than a year."



  v v v v v








  v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


A filthy rich South Texas man decided that he wanted to throw a  party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve
to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!  Leroy was jabbing the
gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and
choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through
the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the
gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then
slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex
and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said  no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool.



  v v v v v

 
 
 


  Ace Ventura
  4 oz Sprite
  1/4 oz Vodka
  1/4 oz Tequila
  1 dash Sacambu
  1/4 oz Rum
  1 dash Black Sambuca
  1 dash White Sambuca
  1 dash Blue Sambuca
  Take a large chilled cocktail glass and fill it 1/4
full with ice, and top to 3/4 full with sprite.
Add the vodka, rum and tequila.
Fill the glass with the flavored sambucas
in layers. Garnish with an umbrella and serve
with a bendable straw.
 
     
 
  Absolute Monster
  4 oz Seagrams Vanilla Bodka
  4 Ice cubes
  4 oz Monster energy drink
  Combine the Absolut vanilla vodka, Monster
energy drink and ice cubes in a blender.
Blend until slushy, pour into a highball
glass, and serve.
 
     
     
  v v v v v


 
Today local police found an unidentified man's body in a park
nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly
Ass and a Small Wiener.  I was just checking to make sure that all you
guys on my subscriber list are okay.



  v v v v v


 
Who Reads What Newspapers?


1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.  

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.  

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should  
run the country.  

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the  
country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They  
do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.  

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind  
running the country, if they could spare the time, and if  
they didn't have to leave LA to do it.  

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to  
run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank  
you very much.  

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too  
sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long  
as they can get a seat on the train.  

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's  
running the country, as long as they do something really  
scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.  

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't  
sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but  
whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are  
occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority  
feminist atheist dwarfs who suck dick, who also happen to be  
illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are  
democrats.  

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another  
country but need the baseball scores.  

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at  
the grocery store.  



  v v v v v



  A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a
woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened
and he was informed that the woman had been bit by a bee and was having
a reaction.

"Where was she bit?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," was
the reply.

He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive."
 


  v v v v v

 
 
by deb

 
On Chesil Beach
Ian McEwan


"The bulk of On Chesil Beach consists of a single sex scene, one played, because
of the novel’s brevity and accessibility, in something like “real time.” Edward and
Florence have retreated, on their wedding night, to a hotel suite overlooking Chesil Beach.
Edward wants sex, Florence is sure she doesn’t. The situation is miniature and enormous,
dire and pathetic, tender and irrevocable. McEwan treats it with a boundless
sympathy, one that enlists the reader even as it disguises the fact that this seeming novel
of manners is as fundamentally a horror novel as any McEwan’s written, one that carries
with it a David Cronenberg sensitivity to what McEwan calls
“the secret affair between disgust and joy.”

This was a pretty decent novel - certainly different than most - it 
kept my interest for the most part and evoked some emotion at the end, which 
is good.  This is how the entire course of a life can be changed
- by doing nothing!


~ 0 ~


Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens - 1843
http://classiclit.about.com/od/christmascarola/Christmas_Carol_Charles_Dickens.htm
Published on December 17, 1843, A Christmas Carol has been  adapted to film
more than 200 times. A Christmas Carol is probably more 
popular than any other work by Charles Dickens.

Holiday Gift Books
http://contemporarylit.about.com/od/readinglists/tp/holidayGiftBooks.htm
Book ideas - a wonderful gift!

Before You Buy Children's Books About Christmas, Hanukkah,
and Kwanzaa What You Need to Know
http://childrensbooks.about.com/od/holidays/bb/winterholidays.htm)  
Before the holidays, bookstore shelves overflow with children's books about
Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. Holiday children's book displays fill the exhibit
space at libraries. It's a little overwhelming to wade through all of the available
children's books about Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa.  However, you only
have a brief window of opportunity to see these books in bookstores: four to
eight weeks, although you can order them online or from 
bookstores year round. Here are some tips.



  v v v v v


 
  You know that you've joined a redneck HMO if:


* The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
* Directions to the Dr's office include "Take a left when
  you enter the trailer park"
* The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles
* The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter
* The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy
* Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave
  to Goodwill last month
* Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day"
* Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill
* The only 100% covered expense is embalming

     And the best one:
* Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some duct tap
 
 

  v v v v v



             There are definitely identifiable health            
          hazards that have to be addressed when working         
            for the Big Guy at the North Pole. But you           
            might be surprised at some of the specific           
           coverages bargained for by the Elves Union...         


   The Top 9 Provisions in the North Pole’s New Health Coverage  


9> Only Santa gets EKG (Elf Kick in the Groin) benefits.

8> Preventive healthcare: Backup lights installed on Santa's butt.

7> Still no coverage for any animal-related STDs.

6> Co-plays up from 10 to 15 minutes.

5> Eggnog detox, and unlimited rehab visits for cocoacane addiction.

4> Every kid on earth gets a "Junior Doctor" kit in his or her
    stocking this year!

3> After years of negotiations, workers can finally see someone
    besides Hermey for dental problems.

2> After that unfortunate incident with Blitzen and the assault
    rifle, the entire workshop heads down to Florida on December
    26 as part of "seasonal affective disorder" coverage.


                and the Number 1 Provision In the                
               North Pole’s New Health Coverage...               


1> Still can't get Viagra covered without trying mistletoe first.



  v v v v v



A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of
his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"



  v v v v v




INTERNET SECURITY

 
PC World - How Do I Tell if my Computer is a Zombie?
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,134988/article.html?tk=nl_esxcol

If you haven't adequately protected your PC, it could be taken over by 
cybercriminals and controlled from afar to take part in their
nefarious schemes. Read the top story this week for warning signs, and
keep reading for useful tips and high-tech news from top-notch contributors. 

 

  v v v v v



It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner
is hobbling away, having just finished. A grizzled old marathoner
looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow." He pauses
and then says, "But the REALLY bad news is that in about 3 days,
you're going to think you had fun today!"
 
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics
class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger
women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.

"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises,"

The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-six," I replied.



  v v v v v



There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered
with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for
a living?" He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer." I asked,
"When did you give it up?"  He replied, "Halfway down."



  v v v v v



A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department  
store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by  
putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.  

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the  
comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack.  
Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the  
'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this,  
ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like  
on the inside."  



v v v v v



 

 
Chocolate and Zucchini
http://chocolateandzucchini.com/
Forums where you can discuss food, recipes, restaurants, etc

All of the following recipes
*submitted by*
BODRUMS57
1-2-3 Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0438.html

7 Layer Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec1021.html

Allie Nelson's Famous Snickerdoodle Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec1487.html

Almond Crescent Shortbread
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0534.html

Amish Sugar Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0395.html

Andies Candies Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0587.html

Angel Crisps
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0884.html

Angenets
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0327.html

Applesauce Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0463.html

Visit with Santa Claus at northpole.com
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0455.html

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com

The Old Foodie: Vintage Christmas Recipes
http://theoldfoodie.blogspot.com/2006/12/vintage-christmas-recipes.html
Our Christmas food traditions today reflect many centuries of change and  evolution.
This selection of historic Christmas recipes will give you some idea of how
cooks and housewives have adapted recipes over time, depending  on
their own beliefs and philosophies, as well as availability of ingredients.



    v v v v v

 
 
My friend Monica is an accomplished harpist, who frequently plays
for weddings, reception, parties, and other such events. She is
also blond and has an appropriately cherubic face.

She was on her way to an engagement at a hotel, and stepped into an
elevator with her large golden harp. Just before the doors closed,
a distinguished gray- haired man stepped on.

As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her and then
her harp and asked, "And just how far up are you going?"



  v v v v v








  v v v v v



I think the best games for children are the ones that teach as
well as entertain.  For example, Spin the Bottle teaches kids that
drinking will often lead to awkward, embarrassing and unwanted
sexual activity.



  v v v v v



Word to the wise: "Spit-roasting" apparently has nothing to do
with saliva.  At least that was the consensus among the guests at
my barbecue.



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   Click here: » Can Mac users rely on Apple to protect them
from security threats? | Hardware 2.0 | ZDNet.com
  http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=39273650-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
  Gear for Geeks
 
  Can Mac users rely on Apple to protect them from security threats?
Posted by Adrian Kingsley-Hughes @ 2:40 pm Categories: Apple Tags:
Security, Apple Mac OS, Apple Macintosh, Vulnerability, Apple Inc., Adrian Kingsley-Hughes  
  An anonymous Info Sec researcher claims to have developed a fully automated
and ready to use Mac OS X worm.  How long can Mac users rely on
Apple to protect them from security threats?



  v v v v v



One hundred seventeen consecutive losing games of computer solitaire
is nature's way of saying, "Get back to work!"



  v v v v v



A man is out with his rowboat when suddenly a passing speed boat
raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard!

He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about 2 hours he sees another row boat going by with a man
and two women in it!

The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"

The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.



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SHRIMP & RICE SKILLET

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1/4 cup butter  
1-1/2 pounds large shrimp, peeled and deveined  
3 or 4 cloves or finely chopped garlic  
2 medium-size red bell peppers, julienned  
3/4 pound zucchini, cut in half lengthwise & sliced into  
    1/4-inch thick slices (about 3 small)  
1 large onion, chopped  
6 cups cooked rice  
1/3 cup chopped fresh basil (2 teaspoons dried basil leaves)  
1/4 cup lemon juice  
1/2 teaspoon salt  
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper  
Fresh grated Parmesan cheese  
* optional fresh basil leaves for garnish  
  
DIRECTIONS:  
Heat butter in large skillet or wok or large skillet over  
medium-high heat until hot. Add shrimp and garlic; cook and  
stir 2 to 3 minutes or just until shrimp turns pink; remove  
from skillet, set aside. Add peppers, zucchini and onion to  
skillet. Cook and stir 4 to 5 minutes or until vegetables are  
tender. Stir in rice, shrimp, basil, lemon juice, salt and  
pepper. Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese; garnish with fresh  
basil.  

Yield: 6 Servings  



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*submitted by*
DeVulcano



The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son
asks his father,  'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are
there?' The father, surprised, answers,
'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her
twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, 
round and firm. In her thirties forties,  they are like pears, still
nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many
types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his
twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard. In his thirties and forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but
reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'  '

A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are
for decoration only.' 



  v v v v v



Oh joy, Christmas Eve. By this time on the 25th, millions of Americans,
knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper, will utter those
heartfelt words "Is this all I got?"



  v v v v v







*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Christmas Balloon Dance
http://www.toilette-humor.com/christmas/christmas_balloons.shtml

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
Merry Xmas from Kevin Bloody Wilson
http://www.kevinbloodywilson.com/site/animations/xmas.htm

2. -->Let's Be Naughty<--
http://www.jalisa.org/Christmas/LetsBeNaughty.html

*sumitted by*
jacksinfl@gmail.com
http://fknblazed.com/movies/snow.htm

You want fries with that?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1471.html
Here!

Smoke symbols?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1472.html
Here!

Just how do you explain????
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1473.html
Here!

Change it to cocaine??
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1474.html
Here!

The next song....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1475.html
Here!

Cure For Nymphomania?
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200411/020.htm
Here

Batman vs Batgirl
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1637.html
Here!

Chicken? Pussy?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1638.html
Here!

We must bitch....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1639.html
Here!

Chew you fat bastards!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1640.html
Here!


X T R E M E L Y  Naughty

Jaws
http://www.curlydavid.com/ja0218.html
Jaws

Money Shot
http://www.curlydavid.com/mosh0218.html
Money Shot

Cameltoe
http://www.curlydavid.com/ctoe43.html
Cameltoe

Keyboard Cover
http://www.curlydavid.com/keyc.html
Keyboard Cover

Full Moon
http://www.curlydavid.com/fumo9.html
Full Moon



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  Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
  to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
  systems and other variables beyond our control
 

 
  v v v v v
 
 
 
  Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
  here next week, same time - same place
 
  but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
  never,
  ever,
  EVER
  forget to
 
  keep on rockin'
  it's a state of mind
 
 
 
  v v v v v
 
  ©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
 
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