   Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
   CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet



SUBMISSIONS

I am working on the Christmas and holiday issues so please send in jokes,
toons, recipes, etc as soon as you can. K? Thanks!

Seize the deal! Get Microsoft® Office Ultimate 2007 for just $59.95. It’s a total steal and
you'll find the link ............. well damn. It's down there somewhere!

Are you ready to download a file? Don't -- until you've read this column. It'll tell how to download files
efficiently and safely, and share a trick for transferring download-resistant videos onto your PC.
Look for this link in the DOWNLOADS area below.

Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!

"Got my link just fine now.....time to spend a good hour looking at your
newsletter...thanks Deb..ya made me a happy camper now...lol
*hugs* Deb ( too )"
falasign@yahoo.com

"Please please re-subscribe me!! I have been away and having withdrawals
of Debs emails. Sure miss them and am looking forward
to recieving them again!!   Mary"
patm@eastlink.ca

v v v v v

I don't know why everyone is so concerned
about this global worming issue. Still,
I guess it's better to be safe than sorry, so I'll take
the wife and kids to the vet.

v v v v v

SPICY BAKED ACORN SQUASH

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

CAKE INGREDIENTS:
6 whole acorn squash
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon ginger
3/4 teaspoon mace
6 tablespoon butter or margarine, melted
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
6 tablespoon maple syrup

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Split each squash in half
lengthwise; scoop out and discard seeds and fiber from centers.
Slice a thin piece from each bottom so they will rest flat in
the pan. Place squash in a shallow baking dish. Mix spices
together and sprinkle over squash. Mix melted butter with
vinegar; drizzle over squash. Add 1/2 Tbs. maple syrup to each
cavity. Cover dish with foil and bake for 1 and 3/4 hours.
Remove foil; baste. Return to oven for 10 minutes.

Yield: 12 Servings

v v v v v

   Click here: Is my pet acting this way due to old age or is he sick?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aAs
Changes happen as pets age, similar to the changes seen as people age. Sight
and hearing may be diminished, pets may sleep more, and so on. These are
expected changes. However, people often miss potentially serious signs of illness in their
pets by writing off symptoms as "just old age" when a veterinary exam is in order.
This FAQ outlines what to watch for as your pet enters the senior years

   Click here: Supplies Needed for a New Pet Hamster - Hamster Supply List
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aAv
Before you buy any pet, make sure you have a home set up for them to
minimize the stress of adjusting to a new home. If you are bringing home a new
hamster soon, here is a list of supplies you will need before you get your hamster.

   Click here: Top Myths and Misconceptions About Cats
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aAx
The world of cat lovers, particularly those who frequent the Internet, abounds with
myths and misconceptions about cats. This list addresses the most common of those
myths and states the true facts about each misconception.

   Click here: Color Mutations in Parrots and Other Pet Birds
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aB1
   In birds, the term "Color Mutation" refers to a bird whose feathers exhibit
a different color than you would normally find in the wild.
The code for feathers of a certain color is carried on a bird's genes.
Therefore, it is possible to breed birds with genetic codes for different colors
together, creating new and different color mutations.
Breeding for color mutations has become especially popular in the bird trade
as of late, with breeders of many species striving to create the perfect
bird in an array of beautiful and sometimes unusual colors.

*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
The Associated Press: Seeking to Save Shelter Dogs From Death
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jKSSNHmuDVFEgm_llInvJ3qBx-9QD8S8NF400
Sandy, a golden female Jindo in New York, also has just two days left. Kate
Hepburn, a tan female boxer in California, has 18 days to live.
On Saturday, these were some of the dogs in shelters across the country
slated for death — their fate posted on a Web site that aims to save their lives
by offering them for adoption. Each is tagged with a death date set by a shelter — and
a countdown clock showing the days, or hours, until the animal is destroyed.
Dogsindanger.com works with more than 120 shelters nationwide that destroy
dogs. How much time the dogs get before death varies from state to state. In New
York City, a stray dog must be kept a minimum of three days, while a shelter has
the legal right to immediately destroy an animal that is abandoned there by its owner.
About 4 million dogs are put to death each year in the
oUnited States, by injection or gas.
This DISGUSTS me

   v v v v v

"O.J. Simpson was released on bail today. O.J. was charged with
two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon,
of course, was O.J"

Jay Leno

v v v v v

   The Top 8 Differences If the IRS Was Run by Monkeys

8> You work at a zoo? Expect an audit, pal.

7> On Form 1040ES, subtracting line 35(d) from line 35(b) always
results in "Banana."

6> William Shakespeare will eventually be audited.

5> Out: TurboTax.
In: TurdThrowTax.

4> The fact that the agent also has a bright red butt after your
audit is eerily comforting.

3> Accountants see no evil, hear no evil, and deduct no evil.

2> Extensions available for those deployed to the Forbidden Zone.

and the Number 1 Difference If the IRS Was Run by Monkeys...

1> It's okay to be a cheetah.

v v v v v

   Click here: Home Ec 101
http://www.home-ec101.com/
Interesting site --- recipes, cleaning tips and tons more

   Click here: Floor Care Cleaning Tips | Answers to Floor Care Cleaning Questions
http://www.goclean.com/floorcareguide.htm
How to clean all kinds of floors

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com

HANDY HINTS
If you have squeaky floors that are just driving you nutty
try sprinkling baby powder over the floors and sweep it back
and forth working it into the cracks.

If you have a knot in a necklace place it on a plate and sprinkle
some powder over it. Use two needles to work out the knot. The
powder works as a lubricant.

Next time you have a grease stain on your pants or shirt sprinkle
baby powder over the stain. Let it absorb for a couple of minutes
and brush it off. The powder will keep the stain from setting
into the fabric.

v v v v v

"O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today
in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including
robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in
prison for all this. Isn't that something? You kill two people,
you get nothing -- but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life"

Jimmy Kimmel

v v v v v

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a
stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left
side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the
right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his
horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other
side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I
yelled out, "What was all that about?" He replied, "Nothing. It's
just a stage I'm going through."

v v v v v

v v v v v

The Top 13 Products You Should Leave
on the Supermarket Shelf
(X-rated)

1. Hershey's Pisses
2. Kellogg's Poop Farts
3. Del Monkey Creamed Porn
4. I Can't Believe It's Not Butt-Butter!
5. Post Grope Nuts
6. Pepto Jizmol
7. 'Nadsbury's Creme Eggs
8. Hostess Bukkakes
9. Cool Crotch Doritos
10. Swiss Piss Cocoa Mix
11. scroTUMS
12. Peter & Paul's All-Man Joy
13. Jiz Penis Butter

and the Number 1 Product You Should Leave
on the Supermarket Shelf...

14. Chef Boysarformee h'O'les

v v v v v

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the
Help Hotline.

I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I
could drive a truck or fly an airplane.

v v v v v

(http://savvygardener.c.topica.com/maaicwHabBR8fa5wlH0e/)
This is from the good people at savvygarener

Don't Dig Too Deep...
Planting a tree this fall? Great idea! Just make sure you do it right. The planting
depth of a new tree is extremely important and often done improperly. Trees that
are planted too deep may not grow as fast or be as healthy as those planted properly.

Here's what to do. Dig a hole twice as wide and slightly shallower than the root ball.
Roughen the sides and bottom of the hole with a pick or shovel so that roots can
penetrate the soil. The root collar (where the trunk and roots meet) should be at least
even with, and as much as an inch and a half higher than, the final grade.

Butterfly Gardens
Plant your garden in full sun.
Plants, especially flowering plants, need sun to make food for themselves, and nectar for
butterflies. Butterflies also need sun to warm their bodies for flight.

Plant butterfly-attracting flowers Butterflies are attracted to flowers with strong scents
and bright colors, where they drink sweet, energy-rich nectar. Select plants that are native to
your area, and they will attract local butterflies.

Include host plants in your garden. Butterflies lay their eggs on host plants that the
emerging caterpillars will eat. The sight of a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis will
more than make up for the chewed leaves.

Use colorful plants
Butterflies see more colors than humans do. They seem to prefer red, orange, yellow, purple,
and dark pink. A large, colorful garden is easy for butterflies to find,
and encourages them to stay longer.

Don't use chemical pesticides
Pesticides kill butterflies, caterpillars, and other useful insects. Try these methods
instead: Plant marigolds, petunias, mint, and other herbs that naturally repel pests.
Encourage ladybugs and dragonflies to dine in your garden.
Wash pests away with insecticidal soap.

v v v v v

"Waiter, there's no chicken in my chicken soup."

"There's no horse in the horseradish, either."

v v v v v

I recently saw a brand of laundry detergent
that claims it cleans by harnessing the power
of nature. After all these centuries, it's
about time we made nature our bitch and
started forcing her to do our laundry.

v v v v v

My friend`s 5 year old daughter, Rose, was playing with her 14
year old cousin, Sarah, upstairs. Rose came down to make some
cookies. "Where's Sarah," My friend asked, "isn't she going to
help you bake cookies?"

"Oh, Sarah can't come down right now," Rose replied, "she doesn't
feel very well."

"Really, what's the matter with her?"

Rose looked very serious
and said, "she'll be okay, she's just got her pyramid."

v v v v v

Bluetooth
David - worldstart.com

What is it?

   That's what your dentures get after eating blueberry pie, but you may hear about
mobile phones and other devices having "Bluetooth Technology". Basically, it's a
short-range wireless technology that simplifies communication between internet
devices like mobile phones, PDAs (Personal Digital Assistants) and computers.
Bluetooth's has a range of about 30 feet and allows
you to do away with messy cables.

   The Bluetooth Special Interest Group, a cabal of over 3000 manufacturers, oversees
the standards and security of the technology. It gets its unusual name in honor of
Harald Bluetooth, king of Denmark in the mid-tenth century for no other reason than
to recognize the contribution of Baltic countries (Denmark, Sweden,
Norway, and Finland) to the communications industry.

   If you look around you'll find a ton of devices that use Bluetooth. Everything from
wireless printers, wireless keyboards, even home appliances (I still don't know
why my computer and washing machine need to communicate).

   Bluetooth enabled mobile phones have recently been under attack by hackers
who gain access to information being stored on the phone. This is often called bluesnarfing
or bluebugging. In order to carry out a bluejacking, the sending and receiving devices
must be within 10 meters of one another. If you use enabled devices, the Official
Bluetooth website has a page explaining how to protect yourself—it's worth reading...

   http://www.bluetooth.com/protect.asp
   I hope this demystifies this new technology so when you are out shopping for a
mobile phone, PDA, laptop, or other device you'll be
aware of what Bluetooth can do.


v v v v v

   Job

* Interviewer: "Do you think you can handle a variety of tasks?"
Applicant: "I should say so. I've had nine totally different
jobs in the past five months."

* The stern faced Personnel Officer told an applicant that they
needed an individual who is totally responsible. "I sure qualify
then." replied the applicant. "Everywhere I've worked, whenever
something went wrong, I was responsible."

* "I see under 'Personal Traits' you have "Self-Starter" listed,"
said the Human Resources Officer. "Why is that important to
you?" "It seems to me that if more employees were self-starters,
then the bosses wouldn't have to be cranks," the almost selected
candidate replied.

* The Personal Officer was concluding the interview with the
applicant for an entry level position in the Social Security
Administration: "Well, Mr. Samuels, everything seems to be in
order. I think we can start you working here next week." "Great!"
the man replied. "I've always wanted to be a civil serpent."

v v v v v

   Click here: Heart Attack, Stroke and Cardiac Arrest Warning Signs
http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3053
The American Heart Association and the National Heart, Lung, and Blood
Institute have launched a new "Act in Time" campaign to increase people's
awareness of heart attack and the importance of calling 9-1-1 immediately
at the onset of heart attack symptoms. Find the links here.

   Click here: Migraines May Help Your Brain -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT02/07/05/04/ALT02070504-01.html
Is it possible that suffering through years of migraine headaches actually
might have a beneficial effect on the brain? A provocative new study has raised
that improbable prospect after finding that longtime, middle-aged migraine sufferers
showed less cognitive decline and memory loss over a period of 12 years than a
group of migraine-free adults. Researchers can't explain what could be a silver
lining in the agonizing cloud that is a migraine, but it's possible that the physiological
changes that accompany the headaches might protect brain cells over the long haul

   Click here: Cool Brain Trick Number One -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT02/07/05/04/ALT02070504-02.html
Very cool -- many people can read a scrambled paragraph -- but it depends
on how the letters are rearranged as to how we figure it out

The 'Double' Whammy: What is Type 3 Diabetes?
http://www.lifescript.com/channels/healthy_living/Health_Conditions/
the_double_whammy_what_is_type_3_diabetes.asp
Being diagnosed with diabetes by your physician is enough of a shocker. Now,
some patients are learning that not only do they suffer from one type of diabetes,
but two types simultaneously. Indeed, type 3 diabetes – also known as hybrid or double diabetes
– is a new and dangerous phenomenon that has many health officials deeply concerned.
As we enter National Diabetes Month, learn the signs and symptoms of diabetes as well
as how to help loved ones with this disease. What is type 3 diabetes, and how can you
prevent it? Read on, and don't forget to take the quiz to test your sugar IQ...

v v v v v

Randy was in the hospital for tests. At 11:00 AM, they
brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00 PM, they
again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00 PM and 7:00 PM, they tried, and both times
Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation
for the next day's tests, they entered his room at 3:00 AM,
4:30 AM, and 6:00 AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he
told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital
and they try to serve you soup, take it. If you refuse it,
they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass."

v v v v v

The Top 9 Football Color Commentaries That
Could Also Apply to Parenting

9> "They could really use a time-out about now."

8> "The big guy will not be happy with that!"

7> "Well, that's what you get for using man-to-man instead of a
zone defense."

6> "Pow! That's gonna leave a mark!"

5> "Hey, it's only a penalty if you get caught."

4> "Man, can that kid kick!"

3> "Poor guy... he never saw the blitz coming."

2> "The 'boys are whipping the 'skins tonight!"

and the Number 1 Football
   Color Commentary That Could
Also Apply to Parenting...

1> "Unless they shape up, they could suffer a severe beating today."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
NEUROTICALLY YOURS CARTOON: TECH SUPPORT II
http://www.illwillpress.com/tech2.html
Tech support II LOL

best of craigslist : DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/440674102.html

v v v v v

Having successfully passed all the written exams and physical requirements
to join the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, my daughter was now being
interviewed. One of the questions was, "What would you do if you were out
on patrol with a male officer and he drove to a secluded area and
started making advances to you?"

My daughter didn't hesitate, "Is this before or after I'm
issued a pistol?" she replied.

v v v v v

EASY FOCCCIA BREAD WEDGES

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
3 onions, medium thinly sliced
1/4 teaspoon pepper coarsely ground
1 tablespoon olive oil
3/4 cup white beans rinsed and drained canned
1/2 cup white wine or reduced-sodium chicken broth dry
1 teaspoon thyme, dried crushed
4 6-inch bread shells Italian (such as Boboli)
sweet pepper Red (optional)
marjoram Fresh (optional

DIRECTIONS
In a large skillet cook and stir onions and pepper over
medium-high heat in hot oil, uncovered, for 7 minutes or
until onions turn brown. Remove onions; set aside. Add beans
to skillet; cook for 1 minute. Add the wine or broth and
thyme; reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, for 3 to 4 minutes
or until liquid is reduced by half. Mash beans slightly.

Spread bread shells with bean mixture; top with onions.
Bake in a 450 degree oven for 10 minutes. Cut into wedges.
Garnish with red pepper and marjoram.

Yield: 16 Servings
Nutrition Facts per Serving
108 calories, 16 g carbohydrates, 1 mg cholesterol,
3 g fat, 211 mg sodium

YIELD: 8 Servings

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he
was taking a psychology course at the university.

"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

v v v v v

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your
MedicAlert bracelet.

   v v v v v

Play/Type the Alphabet as Fast as Possible Online
http://free-online-games.nu/alphabet.html
Type the alphabet as fast as you can into the input box above. As soon as you
type 'a' the stop-watch starts. Every time you type the right letter it turns
green, but when you type the wrong one it turns red. You must type the right
letter to continue. You can restart any time by pressing space.
Your highscore is saved in a cookie so you don't have to remember it. I, the
creator of this online game, have a highscore of 1.96 seconds (Swedish alphabet
with å, ä and ö besides a-z)! Anything below 4 seconds is fast, but do compare
with your friends. Hmmmm maybe this should be in GAMES section LOL

Animator vs. Animation by *alanbecker on deviantART
http://alanbecker.deviantart.com/art/Animator-vs-Animation-34244097
No clue how to describe what this is -- so just watch it : )

2. Animator vs. Animation II by *alanbecker on deviantART
http://alanbecker.deviantart.com/art/Animator-vs-Animation-II-50891749
I love these --- here's another

Stories from the Heart of the Land - The Stories
http://www.nature.org/heart/about/
Welcome to The Nature Conservancy — the leading conservation organization
working around the world to protect ecologically important lands and waters for nature and people.
We're proud of what we've accomplished since our founding in 1951.

The Resident
http://theresident.net/

Every week a new show is posted, featuring two new segments on one new topic.
The segments are an organic mix of the following 3 types:
- Residential Rants
- Interviews with informed talents
- Man on the street (MOS) — where The Resident got her start

   v v v v v



The most frustrating part about barricading yourself
in your home and having an armed standoff with
police is that when you call for pizza delivery, they
never show up! You'd think the place would
be easy enough to find, what with the flashing
lights and all those cops to provide directions.



   v v v v v

A new tram system in Seattle has inspired cult T-shirts after
locals claimed its initials originally spelt 'SLUT'.

Officially, it's called the South Lake Union Streetcar.

Hundreds of T-shirts, with the logo 'Ride the SLUT', are being
made and are selling fast at local coffee shops.

Junior Johnson said the T-shirts were done just for fun, but
the first batch sold out in days and now orders for the next
are underway.

"We're welcoming the SLUT into the neighborhood," he said.

   v v v v v

"A private school in New York raised its tuition so much that now
it only has two students. As a result, this year's graduation has
only two categories: valedictorian and dumbass."

Conan O'Brien

   v v v v v





Celebrate apple season with this trio of decidedly adult mixed
drinks -- and leave the apple cider for the kids.

Apple Kir
1 oz. Jose Cuervo Gold Tequila
1/2 oz. Crème de Cassis
1 oz. apple juice
1 tsp. fresh lemon juice
Mix in a rocks glass over ice.
Garnish with a lemon wedge.

Apple Pie
1/2 oz. Apple Schnapps
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. pineapple juice
Dash of powdered cinnamon
Shake with ice and strain into a shot glass.

Appletini
2 parts DeKuyper Pucker Sour Apple
2 parts VOX Vodka
Shake with ice and strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with an apple slice.
Finally, don't forget apple brandy, served straight up in a snifter: Applejack is
produced in the United States, while Calvados is made from
a variety of apples from northwestern France.



   v v v v v

My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military
clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The
person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the
band rehearsal hall.

"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.

With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what
time is that?"

   v v v v v

*submitted by*
Guffy Baby

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral
was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man
would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and
being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, But the hearse
was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and
stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid
already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and
'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached
before: from Genesis all the way to Revelation.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of
the workers saying to another, 'I ain't never seen anything like that
before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'

   v v v v v

"Not such a great day for that student who was Tasered at the John
Kerry speech in Florida. If you've ever heard John Kerry speak,
being Tasered is a bit less painful."

Craig Ferguson

   v v v v v







Barefoot
by Elin Hilderbrand

"It's summer on Nantucket, and as the season begins, three women arrive at the
local airport, observed by Josh, a local boy, home from college. Burdened with small
children, unwieldy straw hats, and some obvious emotional issues, the
women--two sisters and one friend--make their way to the sisters' tiny cottage,
inherited from an aunt. They're all trying to escape from something: Melanie, after
seven failed in-vitro attempts, discovered her husband's infidelity and then her own pregnancy;
Brenda embarked on a passionate affair with an older student that got her fired from her
prestigious job as a professor in New York; and her sister Vickie, mother to two small boys,
has been diagnosed with cancer. Soon Josh is part of the chaotic household, acting as
babysitter, confidant, and, eventually, something more, while the women
confront their pasts and map out their futures"

Loved it! Realistic, moving and I highly recommend it.

   v v v v v



Wife: "Donald, when was the last time we received a letter from our son?"

Husband: "Just a second, honey, I'll go look in the checkbook."

   v v v v v

It's been said that if you lined up all
the cars in the world end-to-end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

That would be *me*, because -- HELLO! --
no one's coming from the other direction.

   v v v v v

An Indian businessman born with two fully functional
penises wants one of them removed surgically as
he wants to marry and lead a normal sexual life.

The Top 16 Things Overheard in
the Life of the Man With Two Penises
(X-rated)

1. "Finally, someone who can shut up Paris AND Nicole at the same time!"

2. "I once dated a woman with two vaginas, but I couldn't take the two periods each month."

3. "What I need is a 'one-woman-band' who knows how to play clarinet and sax at the same time."

4. "You're giving me hard-ons... or is it hards-on?"

5. "You know, sir, this operation means that your favorite, surf and turf, will no longer be on the menu."

6. "Premature ejaculation? I prefer to call it a two-pronged forward-thinking strategy."

7. "Oh, that feels so goo-- sorry. Now where were w-- DAMMIT! Sorry again."

8. "AHHHH! That guy in the Speedo poked my eyes out!"

9. "OK, ladies: the first one to bust my nut doesn't have to cook dinner. Ready? Go!"

10. "I told you outsourcing our porn industry to India was a good idea. This guy's not only
cheaper, he handles the double penetration scenes solo."

11. "He elected to have the one that ejaculated prematurely removed.
You know: first cum, first severed."

12. "Oh, you meant 10 inches TOTAL."

13. "You must be a psycho, baby, 'cause you got my hitched-cocks
   pointing north *and* northwest!"

14. "I believe the correct term is actually 'fellatii,' but carry on, ladies."

15. "I'm going to milk you like a Holstein, big boy! Get on your knees and moo!"

and the Number 1 Thing Overheard in the Life of
the Man With Two Penises...

16. "Man, I'd give my left dick to sleep with her."

   v v v v v





*submitted by*
pavanco1@embarq.com
Microsoft Security Advisory (943521): URL Handling Vulnerability in
Windows XP and Windows Server 2003 with Window
http://www.microsoft.com/technet/security/advisory/943521.mspx
Microsoft is investigating public reports of a remote code execution vulnerability in supported
editions of Windows XP and Windows Server 2003 with Windows Internet Explorer 7 installed.
Microsoft is aware of proof of concept code that has been posted publicly and is
continuing to investigate public reports. We are also aware of attacks
that try to use the reported vulnerability. This vulnerability does not affect Windows
Vista or any supported editions of Windows where Internet Explorer 7 is not installed.
Customers in the U.S. and Canada who believe they are affected can receive
technical support from Microsoft Product Support Services at 1-866-PCSAFETY. There is
no charge for support calls that are associated with security updates.

Click here: Secure Windows XP: 7 Ways to Secure Windows XP
   http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3xyp
   With adware, spyware, viruses, phishing emails, and hackers, there are a lot
of reasons to secure Windows XP. Below you will find seven ways
you can better secure Windows XP.
   Complete with step-by-step instructions and numerous screen shots, even novice
computer users can follow these steps to secure Windows XP. The steps and screen
shots are intended for Windows XP users, but users of other Windows
versions can follow a similar process to secure Windows.



   v v v v v

It's ironic that all the talk about global
warming has put so much hot air in the
atmosphere that it's increased global warming.



v v v v v

   BEEF RIB ROAST

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
6-8 lb. standing rib beef roast (2-3 ribs)
Salt and pepper

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Place roast in open pan, fat
side up, on rib bones. Sprinkle with salt and pepper.
Insert meat thermometer into center of meat, making sure
pointed end does not touch bone or fat roast until
thermometer reaches 140 degrees (Rare), 160 degrees (Medium),
or 170 degrees (Well-Done).

   v v v v v



Click here: Grilling Basics: The place to start when you are just starting out on the grill
   http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/abf
Grilling like any other kind of cooking is an art. Remember this, don't let
anyone put down your grilling unless they can do a better job. The difference
between grilling and cooking on the stove or in the oven is that grilling is a combination
of both. You have direct heat from the gas burners or the charcoal and you have
indirect heat that fills the grill when the lid is down. Also, grills have more heat and
less control. With your oven you can set the temperature precisely. With a grill
you turn on or light the fire and the heat just keeps rising. An average gas grill can reach
500 degrees in a matter of minutes. This is why you can't throw the food on the grill
and watch TV until the timer goes off. You must remain ever vigilant. Vigilance is the key.

Click here: Greek Recipes for Summer Vegetables
   http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/alO
   Greece is famous for dishes that feature fresh, ripe vegetables, and the
summer bounty is the perfect opportunity to make some of her most well-loved dishes.
Summer vegetables are roasted, stuffed, fried, boiled, sautéed, and eaten raw. The
list of summer vegetables is long, and the list of fabulous dishes is endless,
so I've pared the list down to ten of my personal favorites.

Click here: Fabulous Ways to Use Feta Cheese - Cooking with Greek Feta
   http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15o&sdn=greekfood&cdn=food&tm=35&gps=58_38
_1178_833&f=00&su=p674.0.400.ip_p284.8.150.ip_&tt=3&bt=1&bts=1&z
u=http%3A//greekfood.about.com/od/greekcheeses/tp/usefeta.htm
   Feta is served as an appetizer, side dish, and as an ingredient in salads, filled pies,
and pastries. Its use in preparing and serving Greek food is almost as imperative
as the use of olive oil. Feta may be used in most recipes that call for cheese: vegetable
and fruit salads, filled pies, as a topping for or ingredient in cooked rice and
tomato-based pastas, as a filling for omelets, in sandwiches, and elsewhere.


   v v v v v


The Top 8 Backhanded Sex Compliments
(Part I)

8> "It's fascinating how you can move your breasts out of the
way to the side like that."

7> "I love doing that to you because I don't have to open my
mouth as wide as with other guys."

6> "It must be a relief not having to worry about hanging left
or hanging right like other guys do."

5> "Great. You were in and out so fast, we got done during the
commercial break and I didn't miss any 'Oprah.'"

4> "The mystery of not being able to feel you when you're inside
of me only heightens the anticipation."

3> "Your um... 'natural sexual perfume' takes me back to the
barnyard pleasures of my youth."

2> "How cute! Your little guy is so shy, he hides! He reminds
me of the pet turtle I had as a kid!"

   and Topfive.com's Number 1 Backhanded Sex Compliment...

1> "Your control is amazing -- neither of your teeth snagged me
during that blowjob!"


   v v v v v



Reviewing pending sales activity with a co-worker at our printing company, I asked
where a particular customer was in his decision process.

"He's at the ten-yard-line," my colleague said, using football-speak.

"Would you mind putting that in terms I can understand?" I asked.

Recognizing a shopper when he saw one, he responded, "He's at the checkout
counter and has the credit card in his hand."

   v v v v v

The Top 17 Favorite Movies of Divorce Lawyers

17> Mission: Irreconcilable

16> Take This, Slob, and Shove It

15> The Hills Have P.I.'s

14> The Piano (and the Monet and the Jaguar and the Country Club
   Membership... )

13> Kramer's Lawyer vs. Kramer's Lawyer

12> He Bled, She Bled

11> Sleepless Till You Settle

10> 12 Angry, Penniless, Emasculated, '94 Neon-Driving Men

9> MILF Money

8> Dr. Strangelove or: How I Made a Fortune Representing
   David Gest

7> When Harry Met Sally's Sister

6> Bringing Down the Spouse

5> The Bloodsucker's Proxy

4> Must Love Dogs, Donkeys, S&M Clowns and Hairy-Backed Midgets,
   According to This Hidden Surveillance Camera Footage

3> Honey, I Want the Kids!

2> We Own the Nightstand

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Favorite Movie of Divorce Lawyers...

1> Mr. Smith Goes to Washing His Things in the Sink at Work

   v v v v v

   v v v v v

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com

Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my
youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the
bridesmaids walked up the aisle one by one.

Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why
doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"


   v v v v v

The Top 15 Pickup Lines of the Undead

15> "Your face or mine?"

14> "I play guitar. Care to meet my friends, Charlie and Mick?"

13> "You know, they named that drink after me."

12> "Is it hot in here, or is that just the embalming fluids
running through my veins?"

11> "I can 'rise from the dead,' if you know what I mean."

10> "One look at you, and my knees turn to jelly. Or actually,
sort of a yellowish, maggoty substance."

9> "You must be tired, 'cause you've been running through my mind
all night -- care to peel back my scalp and see?"

8> "Excuse me, but did you just drop this finger?"

7> "What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich, is he rich
like me?"

6> "I've had my eye on you all night. Right there, stuck to your
shoulder. Can I please have it back now?"

5> "Baby, if I were in charge of the alphabet, I'd put... BRAINS!
MUST EAT BRAINS!"

4> "My rotten, maggot-infested skin would look great -- in a pile
on your bedroom floor."

3> "You can't spell 'gruesome' without 'u' and 'me.'"

2> "Viagra, schmiagra -- I got rigor mortis, baby!"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pickup Line of the Undead...

1> "Sweetheart, you light up my death!"


   v v v v v



Click here: Apple Macintosh OS X - Customizing the Sleep Settings on Your Mac
   http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3mXz
   You can customize your Mac's sleep settings via the Energy Saver preference in
order to conserve energy. This is especially important when you want to conserve
battery use for a notebook such as a MacBook, MacBook
Pro, iBook, or PowerBook.



   v v v v v

A woman participating in a survey was asked
how she felt about condoms.

She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

   v v v v v

   Women vs. Men

1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS

4. 51% love goddess...49% bitch. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO

6. My body is my temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time
and you can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.


   v v v v v

Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml

v v v v v

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite
successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot
objected and said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put
all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot
finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take
off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we
crashed last year."

v v v v v

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.
One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment
by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said,
"Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end
say, "Honey, it's for you. Someone wants to talk
to you about your relatives."

v v v v v

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out your gum!"
A trains says "Choo, Choo"

v v v v v

Some mornings I feel like the world is crashing
in on me. I'm drowning in a sea of faceless
suits, gasping desperately for air, crying out,
"Won't somebody get me out of this?!"

Then my wife opens the door, hands me some coffee and
reminds me that ours is not a walk-in closet.

v v v v v

   Click here: Windows Calendar - Manage appointments and tasks in Windows Calendar
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=windows&cdn=compute&tm=6&gps=
59_143_1193_850&f=00&su=p284.8.150.ip_&tt=14&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%
3A//windows.about.com/od/emailcalendarscontact1/ss/calendar.htm
   Windows Calendar is a application bundled with Windows Vista. You can use
Windows Calendar to manage your calendars and tasks, much like the calendaring
and task features of Outlook. Windows Calendar also lets you subscribe to
calendars published by others or publish your calendar for others to view.

v v v v v

I saw an ad on TV last night for a mouthwash
that guarantees to kill all known germs. But who
wants a mouthful of dead germs?

v v v v v

What should you do if you find your husband
staggering in the back yard?

Shoot him again.

v v v v v

Q. How Do You Make 5 Pounds Of Fat Look Good?

A. Put A Nipple On It

v v v v v

Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?

It's called UPMS.
They deliver whenever the fuck they want to.

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if
"hard on" was hyphenated.

The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you
writing home about!"

The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the
project we worked so 'hard on'."

v v v v v

v v v v v

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her
missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.
"You gotta help me find my parrot!"

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with
that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."
But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her
not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in
a few days. Then, out of desperation, the lady begged,
"But you don't understand! The only thing he says is

"Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

v v v v v

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot
horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his
dining room table. He offered some to a guest,
who took a big spoonful.

When the guest finally was able to speak, he
gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach
hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who
passed out a sample of it."

v v v v v

   Click here: Write Web Pages for the iPhone - Tips to Design
Web Pages that Work on Small Screen Mobile Devices
http://webdesign.about.com/od/pdas/a/aa070207.htm

   Chances are you've seen the video showing how the iPhone can flip and expand
Web pages. It can show you the entire Web page at a glance or zoom in to make
the text you're interested in readable. In one sense, since the iPhone uses Safari,
Web designers shouldn't have to do anything special to create a Web page that
will work on the iPhone. But do you really want your page to just work?
Most designers want their pages to shine!

v v v v v

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new
pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear,"
she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find
fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find
gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

v v v v v

On their first date, Bob and Susie sat in the dark theater
waiting for the movie to begin. The screen finally lit up with
   a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand. Bob and Susie
noticed the sound was missing. The film began but silence
continued. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the
crowd shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

v v v v v

   The Top 16 Signs Your Co-Worker Is Obsessive-Compulsive

16> Not only takes minutes at every meeting, takes seconds, too.

15> She's a "bean counter" -- although her job title is
"electrician" at the Hormel Chili Plant.

14> Between his OCD and his overactive bladder syndrome, he's
actually worn a hole through the third urinal from the left,
2.4 inches above the drain, slightly to the left.

13> Sorts paper clips by tensile strength.

12> Tries his best to avoid the cracks while driving the pace car
around Talladega Motor Speedway.

11> Keeps getting rid of perfectly good 11-month-old magazines
from the reception area.

10> Counts the coffee grounds to make sure the pot is made correctly.

9> Manages to hit right between the 6th and 7th thoracic
vertebrae each and every time she stabs you in the back.

8> Cornrows his eyebrows.

7> Cleans the microwave so often you can see the irradiated glow
of his sponge hand from across the lunch room.

6> Makes sure each box contains exactly 66 French fries, arranged
by height, hue and warmth.

5> Does word search and sudoku puzzles without a gun to his head.

4> "OK, pay attention, everyone. Martha Stewart's Living -- take 2,351."

3> You had to change your name to make partner at Larue, Levin,
Lomax, Lohnson and Lmith.

2> She's been stuck at the bottom of the lobby escalator all
morning because someone cleaned the gum off of "her" step.

   and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign
Your Co-Worker Is Obsessive-Compulsive...

1> Sorts his ED spam by promised-enlargement size.

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

Q: What do my wife and an ironing board have in common?

A: It’s difficult to get their legs opened.

v v v v v

ROASTED PUMPKIN SEEDS WITH A KICKER

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
2 cups pumpkin seeds
2 Tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon cumin

DIRECTIONS:
Separate the seeds from the stringy pumpkin guts, rinse
well and dry with paper towels. Mix olive oil, cayenne
pepper, cumin and salt. Add seeds to bowl and toss to
coat evenly. Spread out on a baking sheet and roast in
a preheated 350 degree oven for 30 minutes or until
golden brown. Stir the seeds every 10 minutes or so
during the roasting so that they will cook evenly.

YIELD: 2 cups
Categories: Halloween, Snacks, Seasonal

v v v v v

   Click here: Romantic Vacation Ideas - Have a More
Romantic Vacation - 50 Romantic Vacation Ideas
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/alP
Want to make your love life more romantic? Even the most ardent lover can use
romantic inspiration. Whether you're about to go on your honeymoon, a romantic
getaway, or spending time alone together at home, adding a romantic touch will
help to put both of you in a vacation mood. Try some of these 50
romantic ideas and ignite your next vacation:

   Click here: Adults-Only Travel
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/2&sdn=honeymoons&cdn=travel&tm=50&gps=
69_378_1178_833&f=00&su=p531.31.152.ip_p532.6.150.ip_p531.29.420.ip_p284.8.
150.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//honeymoons.about.
com/od/adultsonlytravel/AdultsOnly_Travel.htm
Childfree getaways and nude destinations with clothesfree beaches
and resorts comprise this category.

v v v v v

In my search of the family tree, it was pretty exciting to learn
my great-grandparents in the Appalachian Mountains were pioneers
in iron and steel. I could hardly stand the excitement until I
learned the truth that Great-Grandma stayed home and ironed while
Great-Grandpa went off to steal.

v v v v v

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the
hospital, near death. The family called their preacher
to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of
paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble
a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at
that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he
realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he
was wearing when Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died.
I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word
of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on
my oxygen tube!"

v v v v v

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, chartered a
double-Decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Mississippi.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the
Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below was really whooping it up, having a great time,
when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're
having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER

v v v v v

MONSTER MUNCHIES

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup Dry roasted peanuts -- unsalted
1/3 cup Butter or margarine
1 pound Marshmallows
1/2 cup Peanut butter
3 cups Puffed rice cereal
1 cup Apricots -- chopped
1 cup Raisins

DIRECTIONS:
In a large bowl, combine cereal, apricots, raisins and
peanuts. In a microwave safe 13"x9" dish, melt butter and
marshmallows on high for 2 minutes. Stir; add peanut butter,
cook on high 2 minutes longer. Stir until well blended, add
cereal mixture to dish and toss until well coated. Working
quickly with greased hand, form into balls, using about 1/2
cup of mixture per ball. If mixture begins to harden, cook
on high for 30 seconds, or until softened. If desired,
mixture may be spread in unbuttered 13"x9" dish and cooled
and cut into bars.

Yield: 1 dozen balls or 2 dozen bars

v v v v v

   Click here: Kewlbox - Roller Coaster Ride - free online and downloadable games
http://www.kewlbox.com/games/gameDetail.aspx?gameID=262&utm_campaign=kewlbox_2007-7c_newsletter&utm_medium=kewlbox_weekly_newsletter&utm_
source=email_newsletter&utm_content=en_primary1
Make it to the end of the Always Roller Coaster Ride by collecting Always Tokens,
Power Ups, and by avoiding the monthly Baddies. Speed through the game, and be
done with the Cramps, Moody, Bloated, and PMS Baddies for good!

   Click here: Star Wars: Force Unleashed | Xbox 360, PlayStation
3, PS2, DS, PSP — Exclusive Video — Yahoo Games
http://starwars.yahoo.com/
Star Wars fans have something to look forward to. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
will soon hit store shelves.This video game builds on the Star Wars story. Not
much is known about it, but you can get a sneak peek at today’s Cool Site.You'll find a
preview for the game. You’ll also see videos on the Digital Molecular Matter technology
used in the game. It’s something else!After you check out the official footage, view
the user-submitted videos. There is plenty to keep you entertained. kkomando.com

v v v v v

It seems there's an awful lot of awful
stuff being imported from China these days.

"But Chris," you ask, "How can we tell if
an imported product is of subpar quality?"

The Top 16 Signs Imported Goods Aren't Up to Snuff

16> Let's just say there's something rather twisted about these
wax candles from Brazil.

15> There's an expiration date on your carton of Shat-o #1
Super Happy French Bordo Wine.

14> Occasional shards of flea collar and ID tag indicate this
manufacturer egregiously misinterpreted the concept of
"Puppy Chow."

13> The "Calvin" who's peeing on things in your new car window
sticker actually appears to be Charlie Brown.

12> "Produced Lovingly in China to Help You Imperialist Bastards
Control Your Pet Population."

11> You've never heard of a fishalope before.

10> While Harry Potter certainly has done a lot of scary things
in his books, you're pretty sure marrying Yoko Ono wasn't
one of them.

9> The talking teddy bear you got your child for Christmas will
only say: "Hug me. I'm fat and soft like an American."

8> Your new lambada DVD turns out to be video of an Iranian man
with a ferret in his pants.

7> The Canadian bacon on your pizza tastes just like ham.

6> The very first cotton ball you pull out of the bag has
a scab on it.

5> Your daughter has been crying for a week over Hello Kitty's
lazy eye.

4> That edition of Windows Vista Ultimate you ordered through
the Chinese website for $20? Working flawlessly.

3> Your Persian rug keeps coughing up hairballs.

2> Damn cheap Chinese heroin! An hour later, you want
another fix.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign
Imported Goods Aren't Up to Snuff...

1> NOW ENJOY TOPFIVE GOODNESS FUNNY TIME!!!!
(assembled in the USA from overseas humor material)

v v v v v

SheSource.org :: The Online Resource of Women Experts for Journalists
(http://www.shesource.org/shesource/about.php

SheSource.org is an online braintrust of female experts on diverse topics
designed to serve journalists, producers and bookers who need female guests and
sources. SheSource.org includes spokeswomen from a variety of backgrounds,
representing demographic and ethnic diversity as well as expertise in areas,
ranging from security, the economy, and politics to law, peacekeeping,
humanitarian crisis, and more.

   v v v v v

The Top 9 Beauty Tips for Monsters

9> That Chinese lead-based latex is perfect for undead appeal.

8> Puce is the new Gothic Black.

7> Word to the wise: NOBODY respects a zombie with a mullet.

6> Avoid long, dangly earrings -- they tend to clank annoyingly
against your neck-bolts.

5> Exposed skull should be covered up after Labor Day.

4> Zombie-walking does not burn calories. Hit the treadmill, fatso!

3> Hey Werewolves, three words: Hot Brazilian wax.

2> Only sport neck bolts made of steel or silver. The gold ones
look tacky.

   and the Number 1 Beauty Tip for Monsters...

1> Dr. Scholl's arch supports puts the fun back in stomping Tokyo!

v v v v v

LAURA's TUNA PATE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1 1/2 = Packages Cream Cheese softened 16 oz or so
1 6 oz can tuna (in water) squeezed and completed drained
of water

1 TBL minced onion
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
Juice of 1/2 a lemon
Pinch of salt
Pinch of pepper
Pinch of cayenne pepper
1 tbl of chopped fresh parsley

DIRECTIONS:
Combine all Mix softened cream cheese, tuna and all ingredients.
Refrigerate and serve with crackers or cocktail rye.

v v v v v

Free LoveTest - love & personality tests
http://www.lovetest.com/
The Original Internet Love Test
Online since 23rd February 1996 - 4254 days - 11 Years!

v v v v v

I'm thinking of developing a line of soft-core porn videos
for male dogs called "Bitches Gone
Crazy." The great thing is I'll be able to cram in just
as many exposed nipples, but
with only one-quarter the number of models!

v v v v v


   Led Zeppelin is slated to play a reunion concert
in London in November, with Pete Townshend and
   Foreigner to be among the opening acts.

What can we expect from a Zep reunion concert?

The Top 9 Things We Can Expect at the
Led Zeppelin Reunion Show

9> When P. Diddy joins the boys for the first encore, "Kashmir,"
Godzilla stomps on him.

8> Bill Belichick illegally taping the show from his seat.

7> Backstage? Whole Lotta Laxatives.

6> "Ramble On!/I've got my Depends on!"

5> A very confused David Lee Roth trying to sing lead vocals.

4> OJ sticking up the souvenir stand.

3> FREEBIRD!!!!!

2> "Wow, these guys are almost as good as Soundgarden!"

   and the Number 1 Thing We Can Expect
   at the Led Zeppelin Reunion Show...

1> The schlong remains the same, although, with Mr. Plant now
pushing sixty, the stuffing is a little off-putting.

v v v v v

   Click here: System Restore: Not Perfect, But A Big Help ~ Windows Fanatics
http://www.lockergnome.com/nexus/windows/2005/07/19/system-restore-not-perfect-but-a-big-help/
   Interesting reading about your "system restore" option. It's always worked
great for me in the past. Knock on wood. :-)

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of
the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend
is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she
replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this
was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you
were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like
this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........ so does she.

WIFE VS HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede
their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each
morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You
are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do
it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible,
and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning,
the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed
a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

v v v v v

Husband: Wouldn't it be fun to go the Holy and and stand on Mount
Sinai and shout out the Ten Commandments?

Wife: It would be better if you stayed home and kept them.

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I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured
me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise
to Alaska and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the
discomfort. "Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don't
go overboard"

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Top Ten Reasons Joe Torre Quit

10. Yankees wanted to pay him in Radio Shack gift certificates

9. Got caught stealing Rosin bags

8. Joining cast of the Broadway musical "Legally Blonde"

7. Wants to manage a winning team like the Colorado
Whatever-Their-Name-Is

6. Couldn't bear the grind of sitting on his ass watching baseball
another second

5. Looking to focus on managing his fantasy baseball team

4. Wants to go someplace more peaceful - like Fallujah

3. 5 million dollars a year - how's the man supposed to live?

2. Doesn't want to be working when he's 90 like Letterman

1. Even Yogi Berra told him, "It's over"

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*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
Wake up America! Before it's too late!
http://usawakeup.org/

Wake UP!

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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

"Remember President Bush's trip to England a couple of months
ago? Seems the Brits were a little upset with Dubya. In fact,
in a speech the mayor of London described Bush as 'the
greatest threat to life on this planet.' After hearing this
President Bush said, 'That's ridiculous. What about Godzilla?'"

Conan O'Brien

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*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

v v v v v

"All of California is on fire. The smoke is so thick in Malibu,
you can barely see Britney Spears' vagina"

Jimmy Kimmel

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"A million people had to be evacuated from their homes in
California. The fires are all over. They even had to evacuate the
Promises rehab center, which means there are now a couple dozen
drug addicted celebrities on the loose"

Jimmy Kimmel

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v v v v v

More computer viruses going around...

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Oedipus Rex virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
its own motherboard.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs.

v v v v v

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of
propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought
him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet
and so on.

Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with
a lot of glowing reports about school.

Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?"

She told him it was time to get ready for school.

"What? Again?" he asked.

v v v v v

*sumitted by*
DeVulcano
Things I Wish For You
http://www.spiritisup.com/thingsiwishforyoucc.html)

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
On Line Friend 2
http://members.tripod.com/~HeresPoo/Greetings/pg33.html

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Sending Prayers/Inspirational/A Dream And A Smile/
Special Greetings For Special People
http://www.adreamandasmile.com/Inspire/Friends_Prayers.html

v v v v v

HOMEMADE HOT COCOA

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1 quart milk
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
1/4 teaspoon vanilla (or 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon)
whipped cream for topping

DIRECTIONS:
In saucepan, combine sugar and cocoa. Add a few tablespoons of
milk and heat over medium high heat, stirring constantly. The
heat will make it easier to dissolve the cocoa. When the sugar,
cocoa and milk have formed a paste, add the remainder of the
milk plus the vanilla or cinnamon and heat until steaming.
Pour into mugs, top with a bit of whipped cream and serve
immediately.

Yield: 4 servings

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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

Two Canadians are sitting in a bar totally bored. They
decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian tries to
think of a word and after a little pondering come up with
the word---moosecock.

The second Canadian tries his first question, "Is it
something good to eat?"

The first guy thinks a moment then laughs and replies,
"Sure, I suppose you could eat it."

The second Canadian says, "Is it a moosecock?"

v v v v v

Auto Maintenance - Check Your Oil - How To Use a Dipstick
http://autorepair.about.com/od/regularmaintenance/a/checkoil.htm

Checking your car's oil level is the single most important thing you can do
to extend the life of your car's engine. In the time it takes to snap into a
Slim-Jim, you can use a dipstick. Oil is the life blood of your car. Without it,
you wouldn't make it three miles. Follow these quick steps and you'll have one
biggie checked off your car's regular maintenance list.

v v v v v

The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benny was coming up to his 110th
birthd= ay so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.

"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.

"You could say that I am a health nut," Benny answered. "I have
never smok= ed or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock,
I've been going to = Israeli folk dance classes since I was a
teenager and I've always walked th= ree miles a day, even in rainor snow."

"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Saul followed exactly the same
routine = and he died when he was 75. So how come it didn't work
for him?"

"All I can say," replied Benny "is that he didn't keep it up
long enough."

v v v v v

Sounds of crashing and banging in the middle of the night, sent
me and my husband out to our garage tp investigate.

There we spotted three raccoons eating out of the cat dish! We
shooed them away and went back to bed.

Later that same week we were driving home from the store and I
noticed three very fat raccoons ambling down the road towards us.

"Look, honey! Do you think those are the same ones we chased
off?" I asked.

"Hard to tell," my husband said...

"They were wearing masks."

v v v v v

   Click here: PC World - Top Tricks for Safe, Smart Downloads
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,130856/article.html?tk=nl_spxdwn
Are you ready to download a file? Don't--until you've read this column. I'll tell
how to download files efficiently and safely, and share a trick for transferring
download-resistant videos onto your PC.

   Click here: SpeedFan - Free Software Downloads and Software Reviews - Download.com
http://msn-cnet.com.com/SpeedFan/3000-2094_4-10067
444.html?part=msn-cnet&subj=dl&tag=green
   SpeedFan monitors voltages, fan speeds, and temperatures in computers
with hardware monitor chips. It can even access SMART information for hard disks
that support this feature, and show hard-disk temperatures if that's supported.
SpeedFan fully supports SCSI disks and can even change the FSB on some hardware
(but this should be considered a bonus feature). At the lowest level, SpeedFan
is a hardware monitor software that can access temperature sensors, but mainly
it can control fan speeds (depending on the capabilities of your sensor chip and your
hardware) according to the temperatures inside your PC, thus
reducing noise and power consumption.

   Click here: EarthBrowser - Free Software Downloads and Software Reviews - Download.com
http://msn-cnet.com.com/EarthBrowser/3000-2054_4-10052663.html?part=msn-cnet&subj=dl&tag=green
   EarthBrowser offers innovative Earth simulation that combines an easy-to-navigate,
three-dimensional globe with real-time weather conditions and a seven-day
forecast for thousands of locations. Also featured are live earthquakes, Webcams,
volcanoes, and current cloud formations. With the screensaver option, EarthBrowser
takes over your desktop with a gorgeous image. This great educational
tool is a must-have for avid weather watchers.
Version 2.5 increases resolution by four times, adds Antarctic iceberg tracking,
adds live ocean buoy data for North America and Europe, adds daily North American
fire hot spots, and fixes a bug causing a failure to connect.

   Click here: QuakeSaver - Free Software Downloads and Software Reviews - Download.com
http://msn-cnet.com.com/QuakeSaver/3000-2400_4-10367178.html?part=msn-cnet&subj=dl&tag=green
QuakeSaver is a Windows screensaver that shows recent earthquakes. You
can choose to display earthquakes from the past day or the past week or to
select a specific region. Surprise your friends, relatives, or colleagues, showing
them how many earthquakes hit our planet everyday. Adds more
detailed maps and new language support.

The Ultimate Steal presented by Microsoft
http://www.theultimatesteal.com/home.asp
Seize the deal! Get Microsoft® Office Ultimate 2007 for just $59.95. It’s a total
steal: save time and money with this premium offer. Office Ultimate 2007’s brand
new features and fresh look will help you organize and get all your work done in the
blink of an eye. The Ultimate Steal is finally here, so grab it now!

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that when
you die your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

And by changing, adding or by eliminating one letter:

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5 Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

v v v v v

   Click here: VI Corps Proudly Presents the Music of WWII
http://www.6thcorpsmusic.us/
A highspeed connection is strongly suggested for listening

   Click here: Johnny Otis ..Hand Jive
http://www.kowboy.com/fiftys/otis/
This one is from way back!

   Click here: Roy Orbison...Crying
http://www.kowboy.com/fiftys/orbison/

   Click here: The Del Vikings.. Come Go With Me
http://www.kowboy.com/fiftys/vikings/

v v v v v

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my...
okay, anyone seen my list of lost stuff?

v v v v v

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.

He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

v v v v v

Showing Off
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/911.html
Here

What A Shame For A Name
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/912.html
Here

You Gotta Be Kidding
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/913.html
Here

Good On TV
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/914.html
Here

Not Tonight
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/915.html
Here

Big Balled Squirrel...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200404/012.htm
Here

FULL moon
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1476.html
Here!

Geek Leak
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1477.html
Here!

In my day
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1478.html
Here!

Other men
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1479.html
Here!

Glad to come home!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1480.html
Here!

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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control

v v v v v

Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind

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©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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