Editor:  DebsSweet
  Graphic Editors:  Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
   CrispySue, kittykab
  Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
  Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet
  
  
  
 
 
 
  IGNORANT


Yes, that's me.  I can't bear to watch the news anymore -- I have overdosed on the
horror going on in our country and the lies spewing forth by candidates for President.

I'll get better - just need a few days away from the people who are
killing each other, their pets and their own children.

Yep - I'm done for a bit.

While I am sitting here thoroughly disgusted by human beings, I will let you continue
on here and I will try to go do something constructive. 

Love you - mean it

    Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
  order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
  anti-virus and adware removal software!
 
  If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
  and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
  to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
 
  Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!
 
  and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 
 
 
 
 
 



"Hi there, not to put too fine a point on it.....................WHERE ARE YOU???!!!!
I know I have absolutely no right to question your whereabouts, and
this message is being sent from a purely selfish point of view, so
please feel free to ignore me. no offence taken. it's just that several
weeks without a Rockin' & Rollin' "fix" is beginning to affect me in
strange ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hope to hear from you soon.  andy"
afk.ark@tiscali.co.uk



v v v v v



            The Top 9 Hardest Parental Habits to Break          


9> The periodic crying spells when you question why you got
     married and had kids in the first place.

8> Falling back on the pizza for dinner gig for the fifth time this week.

7> It's nice to carry extra feminine products for your teen
    daughters, but you don't need to carry them in the Barney diaper bag.

6> While it's laudable to try to enforce the kids' 10pm curfew,
    the university police still call it stalking.

5> Answering questions -- even from a cop -- with "Because
    I'm the Mom, that's why!"

4> Sleeping with both eyes closed.

3> It's a fine line between a butt-pat celebrating your high
    schooler's home run and a check for a poopy diaper.

2> Every song you sing, you automatically sing 115 times in a row.


    and the Number 1 Hardest Parental Habit to Break...


1> You grab your boss' hand and look both ways before the two of
    you cross the street.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net


SMILES for you:


Anesthesiologist business card:
*When you care enough to sleep with the very best.*

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
*"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."*

In a Podiatrist's office:
*"Time wounds all heels."*

On a Septic Tank Truck:
*Yesterday's Meals on Wheels*

At a Proctologist's door:
*"To expedite your visit please back in."*

On a Plumber's truck:
*"We repair what your husband fixed."*

On another Plumber's truck:*
*"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."*

On a Church's Billboard:
*"7 days without God makes one weak."*



v v v v v









v v v v v



continued...


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
*"Invite us to your next blowout."*

At a Towing company:
*"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."*

On an Electrician's truck:
*"Let us remove your shorts."*

In a Nonsmoking Area:
*"If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."*

On a Maternity Room door:
*"Push. Push. Push."*

At an Optometrist's Office:
*"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."*

On a Taxidermist's window:
*"We really know our stuff."*

On a Fence:
*"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"*

At a Car Dealership:
*"The best way to get back on your
feet - miss a car payment."*

Outside a Muffler Shop:
*"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."*

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
*"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"*

At the Electric Company
*"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.*
*However, if you don't, you will be."*

In a Restaurant window:
*"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."*

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
*"Drive carefully. We'll wait."*

At a Propane Filling Station:
*"Thank heaven for little grills."*

*And don't forget the sign at aChicago Radiator Shop:*
*"Best place in town to take a leak*



v v v v v







v v v v v



You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.



v v v v v



A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.

It was a Shitzu.



v v v v v



"Here's a great story: A couple was waiting in the drive thru
line at a Taco Bell and they were having sex in their van. When I
heard about the couple getting arrested, I thought, "Oh, Britney,
please get some help.'"



Dave Letterman



v v v v v





Adam and Eve
1 dash Lemon Juice
1 oz Brandy
1 oz Gin
1 oz Forbidden Fruit Liqueur
Shake with ice and strain into a cocktail glass.



Moonlight Drive
1 oz Vodka
1/2 oz Amaretto
1 oz Coconut Rum   
1 oz Rum
1 oz Sloe Gin 
2 oz Orange Juice
3 oz Pineapple Juice
Pour alcohol into a shaker, and
add juices. Shake and pour into
a punch cup with ice. Add a cherry 
and a lemon twist, and serve.



v v v v v



During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and was
captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so the German doctor
amputated his arm. The pilot requested that they drop his arm over
his base in England. The Germans, in a rare display of respect, did.

Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the
same thing. Again, the Germans complied.

The week after that they amputated his leg, and he again asked
for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German general replied, "Nein, Ve do dis no more!"

The pilot asked, "Why not?"

The German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!"



v v v v v



I searched for the bluebird of happiness, but all I found was
the chicken of despair.



v v v v v




by deb



The Raw Shark Texts
by Steven Hall


"Eric Sanderson wakes up in a house one day with no idea who or where he is.
A note instructs him to see a Dr. Randle immediately, who informs him that he
is undergoing yet another episode of acute memory loss that is a symptom of his
severe dissociative disorder. Eric's been in Dr. Randle's care for two years -- 
since the tragic death of his great love, Clio, while the two vacationed in the Greek islands. 
But there may be more to the story, or it may be a different story altogether.
As Eric begins to examine letters and papers left in the house by "the first Eric
Sanderson," a staggeringly different explanation for what is happening to Eric emerges,
and he and the reader embark on a quest to recover the truth and escape the
remorseless predatory forces that threatens to devour him"

The  Raw Shark Texts is a kaleidoscopic novel about the magnitude of love and the devastating
effect of losing that love. It will dazzle you, it will move you, and will leave an indelible
imprint like nothing you have read in a long time. 

This is truly one of the single most amazing books I have ever read.  No wonder the movie
rights were snapped up.  I am speechless.  Very difficult to put down.



v v v v v



There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people.



v v v v v




My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth on
vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute
or not.  But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand,
he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day -
and you sit there reading a book!"



v v v v v






Report: U.S. most prolific source of online attacks | Tech News on ZDNet
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=34710648-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0

.S. networks pumped out the highest percentage of attacks during the second half of last year,
with China running a distant second, according to a report released Monday by security firm
Symantec. The U.S. accounted for 31 percent of malicious activity originating from computer
networks, while 10 percent came from China and 7 percent from Germany,
Symantec said in its Internet Security Threat Report

(http://dw.com.com/redir?destUrl=http://www.symantec.com/enterprise/
theme.jsp?themeid=threatreport&siteId=22&oId=210
0-1009-6168456&ontId=1009&lop=nl.ex) .

The company also found that 51 percent of all  known servers used by attackers
to buy or sell stolen personal information,  such as credit card
or bank account numbers, are located in the U.S. 



v v v v v




"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie would
like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story and said,
'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for Chinese.'"



-Conan O'Brien



v v v v v



"Anybody go back to school today? It's tough. I had to take my
son back to school today and I walked through the door and the
teacher there says, 'It's so nice to see the grand- parents involved.'"



David Letterman



v v v v v








v v v v v



In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after employees
found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the Taco Bell said it
was the first time they've ever seen a snake with diarrhea



v v v v v



HAHA


- Sign at a gas station: 'Courteous and Efficient Self-Service'.

- You know it's time to diet when you can pinch an inch, on your forehead.

- I eat a well-balanced diet. My problem is that I eat it too often.

-The last visit with my doctor went like this: 'Your tests are back.
Don't come any closer!'

- He told me to cut back on two food groups; liquids and solids.

- What has one hundred legs and eats cottage cheese?  My wife's
aerobic class!

- When I started eating from the six basic food groups, I'm sorry
to say that there are only two left.



v v v v v



When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session.  "I'm not aware of your
problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the
very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created
the heavens and the earth..."



v v v v v






Martha Stewart - Meringue Cups
http://www.marthastewart.com/portal/site/mslo/menuitem.fc77a0dbc44dd161
1e3bf410b5900aa0/?vgnextoid=ccc143e303a0f010VgnV
CM1000003d370a0aRCRD&rsc=also_try

Click here: Martha Stewart - Meringue Daisies
http://www.marthastewart.com/portal/site/mslo/menuitem.fc77a0dbc44dd1611e3bf
410b5900aa0/?vgnextoid=14bbe8a345c0f010VgnVCM
1000003d370a0aRCRD&rsc=also_try
These delicate meringue daisies are perfect for luncheons, showers, or any
occasion at which you'd like to serve a beautiful and delicious treat.

Click here: Martha Stewart - Hi-Hat Cupcakes
http://www.marthastewart.com/portal/site/mslo/menuitem.fc77a0dbc44dd1611e3bf4
10b5900aa0/?vgnextoid=c53bb276b490f010VgnVCM1000003d370a0aRCRD&vgnex
tchannel=4c5d61876e70f010VgnVCM1000003d370a0aRCRD&rsc=recipefinder_home&
lastnavigatedchannel=5a79cf380e1dd010VgnVCM1000005b09a00aRCRD
   mmmmmmmmm



v v v v v



As a CIA officer, I can confirm that working for the
CIA is no picnic -- unless you're a
CIA officer and you get assigned to spy at
a picnic, in which case I can neither confirm nor deny
that working for the CIA is a picnic.



v v v v v



Dolphin-safe tuna, that's great if you're a dolphin.
What if you're a  tuna? Somewhere there's a tuna flopping around
on a ship going, What about  me? I'm not cute enough for you?



Drew Carey



v v v v v





Apple Macintosh OS X Automator - Automating
Tasks with Automator Workflows
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3gg9

OS X (10.4 and  later) Automator allows you create workflows to perform repetitive
tasks, such  as renaming groups of files or retrieving email. You do not need to know any
special coding in order to use Automator - simply point, click and drag! 



v v v v v



A monument to ugly people is set to be unveiled in Italy.

The World Association of Ugly People, founded in Italy which now
has branches all over the world, has announced the monument will
be in the northern town of Piobbico.

The monument, which will depict an unknown person looking at their
own reflection in the mirror, will be unveiled during the annual
meeting of the association on Sunday, September 9.



v v v v v



"World Cup soccer fans in Germany are estimated at drinking 17
pints of beer per day. Apparently after 17 beers soccer becomes interesting."



-Conan O'Brien



v v v v v



I now own the world record for fewest hot dogs eaten in
an hour. Between noon and 1:00 p.m.,
I ate no hot dogs at all, but I did throw up three hot dogs
I ate earlier that day, so the record for fewest hot dogs
eaten in an hour now stands at -3.



v v v v v







_Click here:  http://61226.com/share/hk.swf_ (http://61226.com/share/hk.swf) 
_http://61226.com/share/hk.swf_ (http://61226.com/share/hk.swf)
Drag your mouse up and down the picture

_Clic_ (http://www.gibbleguts.net/clips/abortedlanding.html) k  here: Freaky video
_http://www.gibbleguts.net/clips/abortedlanding.html_ (http://www.gibbleguts.net/clips/abortedlanding.html)
Anyone for clean underpants?


_Click here:  Funny video_ (http://www.gibbleguts.net/clips/trainmarket.html) 
_http://www.gibbleguts.net/clips/trainmarket.html_ (http://www.gibbleguts.net/clips/trainmarket.html)
keep watching



v v v v v



Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected



v v v v v



     A chain of strip clubs in Windsor, Ontario and Detroit,
    Michigan is offering to pay tuition for co-eds who work as
    strippers -- as long as they maintain B-or-above averages.
     Saying it makes for "happier young ladies," the company
    will pay $1,500 to $2,000 in educational expenses per year
       to women or men who work in its clubs. The money is
       on top of the $10 an hour that dancers are paid and
         the cash they get from tips and private dances.

        "But Chris," you ask, "How do I know if I'm taking
            a class with a stripper?"  GREAT question!


          The Top 15 Signs Your Classmate Is a Stripper


15> Her grades aren't the only things that appear to have been inflated.

14> Psychs herself up for tests with quiet self-affirmations of
    "I'm good enough... I'm smart enough..." -- in gym class.

13> You: Studying for the bar exam.
    Her: Studying for the pole exam.

12> When it's time to pass out tests, he motions the professor
    to tuck it into his underwear.

11> In econ class, she's always willing to show her
    recession-proof models.

10> She asks if you want to buy her a $15 pencil.

9> Turns in a thesis titled "A Study in Microeconomics: Japanese
    Businessmen Are Sick Bastards, but Tip Huge."

8> A lot of classmates stagger into 8 a.m. classes reeking of
    booze and cigarettes, but *he* doesn't belong to a fraternity.

7> Each time you lean sideways to whisper a humorously
    flirtatious comment to her during class, a jealous Ben
    Affleck smacks your head from the row behind and asks,
    "How many Oscars have *you* won, tough guy?"

6> She just did something with a No. 2 pencil that you never
    dreamt possible.

5> She gets an A on her midterm, even though it's the professor
    who did the cramming last night.

4> Her graduation cap has two tassels and she can make them
    rotate in opposite directions.

3> She *always* has change for a twenty.

2> When you ask to see her notes from last week's class, she
    replies, "Only in the VIP room, buster."


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Classmate Is a Stripper...


1> It takes her three songs to change for gym class.



v v v v v

    



Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml



v v v v v



After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out
of the church saying nothing to the preacher.  Towards the end
of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the
sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and
love of God."  The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said
anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."



v v v v v



Take it from me, it's always bad news when you hear
"Whoops!" while you're at the barber shop -- especially
if *you* said it and it involves
what you've been doing under that little smock.

                      

v v v v v






How to Start a Program  - Learn how to start programs in Windows Vista
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3%5BjV
Learn how to start programs in the newest OS

Personalize a gadget
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3%5BjX
To personalize a gadget in the Windows Sidebar (http://windows.about.com/od/windows
forbeginners/ss/vistainterface5.htm) , first show the Sidebar (http://windows.about.
com/od/windowsvistatutorials/qt/show_sidebar.htm) . Next, mouse over the gadget
you want to personalize. A small icon of a wrench will appear at the gadget's top right.
Click the icon to open the gadget's properties.  I had such fun doing this!!



v v v v v



"Prison officials in New Jersey, this week, had to use tear gas
to break up a prison riot. You know what they call tear gas in
New Jersey? Air freshener."



Jay Leno



v v v v v



*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com



An interstate truck driver was transporting computers to a well known
computer store in Queensland for a sale they were having. Upon stopping
at a roadhouse for a break, he was surprised to see a sign hanging from
the top of the door:

NO NERDS ALLOWED
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

The truck driver entered the roadhouse and sat down at the bar. The owner
came over to him and said, "Say mister, you smell like a nerd."

"Oh no, that's just the smell of the computers I'm transporting," the
driver explained.

Just then, a small guy walked in. He wore thick glasses stuck together by
band-aids, Erkel-like shorts, and had a protractor in his shirt pocket
holding 16 different pens. The owner pulled out a rifle and shot him.
The shocked driver looked at the owner as he placed the rifle away. "What
did you do that for?" he asked.

"This is Queensland and it's open season all year round on nerds," the
owner replied.

The driver finished off and left the roadhouse. Driving up the highway,
he swerved to miss a Kangaroo and serveral boxes of his cargo spilt onto
the road. Suddenly, a mob of people converged on the spilt load, everyone
of them obviously a nerd. Angry, the driver ploughed through the mob,
killing them all.

Later that week, when faced before a judge on 24 counts of murder, he
asked if it wasn't true that it was open season on nerds all year round
in Queensland.

"Yes," answered the Judge. "But you're not allowed to bait them!"



v v v v v



If true, Jobs quote of “A 3G iPhone later next year” should kill
demand for iPhone 1.0 | Berlind’s Testbed | ZDN
http://blogs.zdnet.com/Berlind/?p=782&tag=nl.e505
Already having conceded to upset “early adopters” of the iPhone who were taken by surprise
when Apple dropped the price of the 8GB iPhone (and dropped  the 4GB iPhone altogether),
Apple may have yet a new crisis on its hands: _CEO Steve Jobs’
apparent pre-announcement_ (http://www.pocket-lint.co.uk/news/news.phtml/
10212/11236/apple-iphone-3g-coming-2008.phtml)  that a 3G  version
of the iPhone will be available next year.

If the report is true, this could be worse news for Apple given that the price
drop had to have come so soon to stimulate demand. There’s nothing that kills demand
for the current generation of a product like an announcement that the next generation
won’t be stillborn with obsolete networking technology the way the currently available
generation was. Even if the report of Jobs saying this isn’t true, my guess is
that a 3G iPhone in 2008 is pretty much a sure bet.
(Ed note:  and I will buy one as will all iPhone buyers!!)

Play N Trade Franchise, Inc. Trading Free Games For Old Cell Phones -  Gearlog
http://www.gearlog.com/2007/07/play_n_trade_franchise_inc_tra.php 
What's more eco-friendly than recycling your old cell phones? And what's a
bigger incentive to recycle than getting free games for doing it?



v v v v v



*submitted by*
LURALLEN



This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was
preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light
because ... I was not really paying attention.

I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late. "Great, just great", I muttered.

The driver opened his door ... leaned out of his car and stared at me.

He was a dwarf.

He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I
rolled down my window.

He said, "I'm  not happy"...

To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?"



v v v v v



As a result of an unfriendly takeover of the company where I had
worked the past 14 years, I found myself retired. When my youngest
son asked what I planned to do with my time, I jokingly replied:
"I'm going to volunteer at the YWCA to inspect female joggers for
joggers' nipples."

Without hesitation he shot back: "The pay may be lousy Dad, but
the tips will be great!"



v v v v v



Baked Apples with Butterscotch Topping

Preparation time: 20 minutes
Baking time: 45 to 60 minutes
Yield: 4 servings
4 baking apples (McIntosh, Rome Beauty,
Golden Delicious, or Granny  Smith)
Half of a lemon
1/2 cup raisins
2 tablespoons honey
3/4 cup chopped walnuts or pecans
1/2 cup butterscotch topping

    1.    Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
    2.    Core the apples (don't cut them in half) using an apple corer. Remove the
  peel from the upper 1/3 of the apple. To prevent browning, rub the peeled part 
of the apple with the lemon and squeeze a few drops of lemon juice inside each
cut apple. Place the apples in a 9-inch square baking dish. In a small bowl, 
combine the raisins, honey, and 2 tablespoons of the chopped nuts. Stuff each
apple with the raisin mixture. Pour a little bit of water in the bottom of the 
pan, about 1/4-inch deep.
    3.    Bake, uncovered, until the apples are tender (not mushy), from 45 to 60 
minutes, depending on the size of the apples. Let the apples cool for about 10 
minutes before serving. Place each apple on a serving plate. Drizzle each
apple with some of the sauce in the pan, the butterscotch topping, and the  remaining nuts.


Per serving: Calories 426 (From Fat 138); Fat 15g (Saturated  2g);
Cholesterol 0mg; Sodium 150mg; Carbohydrate 76g
(Dietary Fiber 7g); Protein 5g.



v v v v v






v v v v v



"Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate enough to
marry multimillionaire girls with 39-inch busts who have undergone
frontal lobotomies."



Tony Curtis



v v v v v



My friend`s 5 year old daughter, Rose, was playing with her 14
year old cousin, Sarah, upstairs. Rose came down to make some
cookies. "Where's Sarah," My friend asked, "isn't she going to
help you bake cookies?"

"Oh, Sarah can't come down right now," Rose replied, "she doesn't
feel very well."

"Really, what's the matter with her?" Rose looked very serious
and said, "she'll be okay, she's just got her pyramid."



v v v v v





quiet american
http://www.quietamerican.org/vacation.html
Surely you can spare a minute to clean your ears? Take a
one-minute vacation from the life you are living.

One-minute vacations are unedited recordings of somewhere, somewhen. Sixty seconds
of something else. Sixty seconds to be someone else.

A new one-minute vacation will be added each week on Monday if they can
manage it (so far, there are 273 vacations).

The first year's worth of vacations are archived here (http://www.quietamerican.org/vacation_1.html),
the second here (http://www.quietamerican.org/vacation_2.html) , the third here
(http://www.quietamerican.org/vacation_3.html), the fourth here
(http://www.quietamerican.org/vacation_4.html) .


http://www.geobeats.com/
Traveling outside the US?  Watch these informative
videos and be in the know!



v v v v v



When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the
teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling
me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and
was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong
page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found
her sitting in the wrong desk."

"I don't understand that," I replied defensively.  "Where could
she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still
doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable.

Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson,
our appointment was for tomorrow."



v v v v v



After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband
looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love
to me like that?"

"Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those
people to do that??"



v v v v v






I realized my attempts at foreplay weren't
appreciated when she told me to stop beating
around the bush and get on with it already.
(Wiley)


Like many, I don't have a problem with
men proudly and openly enjoying a gay
lifestyle. On the other hand, I shouldn't
be made to feel inadequate just because I'm
among those who think bush *doesn't* suck.
(Mark D. Sabien) 


My boyfriend swore he had an enormous penis,
but that turned out to be just a phallusy.
(Stephanie S. Thompson)


One thing women don't appreciate is just
how difficult it can be to hit the toilet
when you're pissing with an erection. Plus,
how hard it is to clean up those misses when
you're really tired or don't feel like it.
(Tidewater Joe)


You know the food in a Mexican restaurant is
pretty good when, instead of toilet paper, the
restroom has a spray bottle and personal squeegee.
(Mark D. Sabien) 



v v v v v



There is a new shoe for lesbians called Dike. It comes with an
extra long tongue and you can get it off with one finger.



v v v v v



One night, a bunch of army recruits were lounging in their bunks.
It was a warm evening, and one chap was nice and comfortable in the
"altogether raw."

Suddenly the bugle sounded for roll call..  There wasn't ample
time to get dressed, so he grabbed his trench coat and buttoned
it up tight.

Roll call went off all right, but then they decided to have
clothing inspection.

When they came to the GI in the trench coat, he was ordered
to open it.  The Captain looked him up and down, then he said,
"That's a strange uniform."

"It was the first one issued to me, Sir." replied the recruit.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87





"Sing from my diaphragm?  I can't even get
the damn thing in!"




v v v v v



Jobs


* Interviewer: "Do you think you can handle a variety of tasks?"
Applicant: "I should say so. I've had nine totally different
jobs in the past five months."

* The stern faced Personnel Officer told an applicant that they
needed an individual who is totally responsible. "I sure qualify
then." replied the applicant. "Everywhere I've worked, whenever
something went wrong, I was responsible."

* "I see under 'Personal Traits' you have "Self-Starter" listed,"
said the Human Resources Officer. "Why is that important to
you?" "It seems to me that if more employees were self-starters,
then the bosses wouldn't have to be cranks," the almost selected
candidate replied.

* The Personal Officer was concluding the interview with the
applicant for an entry level position in the Social Security
Administration: "Well, Mr. Samuels, everything seems to be in
order. I think we can start you working here next week." "Great
!" the man replied. "I've always wanted to be a civil serpent."



v v v v v



I'm working as a tech support person at a Finnish newspaper
printing and publication house, and we have several reporters that
submit their files via a dial-in modem line directly to our layout
system. Once one of the reporters wanted to call the tech support
because the modem wasn't answering his calls, but the call was
answered by a computer illiterate.

Reporter: "It seems that...eh, modem's out again."

Computer Illiterate: "Oh, just a minute. I'll go look for him." He proceeded to page
the whole company through the central P.A. system.

Computer Illiterate: "Mr. Modem, Mr. Modem,
there's a call for you." My co-worker intercepts, trying hard to
keep a straight face.

Co-Worker: "Mr. Modem is on vacation. He won't
be back till August." The computer illiterate returns to the phone
and tells the reporter that our modem is on vacation till August.



v v v v v






*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
BrainBashers :  Puzzles and Brain Teasers
http://www.brainbashers.com/index.asp
Welcome to  BrainBashers™, an exciting collection of brain teasers, puzzles,
riddles, games and optical illusions. With thousands of brain teasers and puzzles, over
one hundred awards, BrainBashers is updated with optical illusions and games 
regularly and has 5 new puzzles added every other week.

Kewlbox - Evan Almighty Animal Sudoku - free online and downloadable games
http://www.kewlbox.com/games/gameDetail.aspx?gameID=255&utm_campaign=kewlbox_2007-5a_newsletter&utm_medium=kewlbox_weekly_newsletter&ut
m_source=email_newsletter&utm_content=en_primary1
Straight from the animal kingdom! Try this version of Sudoku by following the way of
the footprints. Your score gets lower as time runs out, so think fast! The
  game has three game modes and hundreds of puzzles to play

Kewlbox - Evan Almighty Animal Sudoku - free online and downloadable games
http://www.kewlbox.com/games/gameDetail.aspx?gameID=255&utm_campaign=kewlbox_2007-4c_newsletter&utm_medium=kewlbox_weekly_newsletter&utm_source=
email_newsletter&utm_content=en_primary1
Straight from the animal kingdom! Try this version of Sudoku by following the
way of the footprints. Your score gets lower as time runs out, so think fast!



v v v v v



Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked,
"Who was the first man?"

"If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the embarrassed coed,
"I'd rather not tell."



v v v v v



SHRIMP WRAPPED IN SPINACH LEAVES ON A TOMATO PUREE  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 can [14 ounces] Italian peeled tomatoes, drained  
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper  
2 tablespoons sherry wine vinegar  
5 quarts water  
2 teaspoons coarse salt  
16 medium raw shrimp in the shell [about 12 ounces total]  
1 tablespoon unsalted butter  
16 large spinach leaves [about 8 ounces total], stems removed  

DIRECTONS:  
To make the puree:  
Process the tomatoes with the metal blade of a food processor  
until smooth, about 15 seconds. Add the salt, pepper and  
vinegar and process 5 seconds more. Reserve.  

Bring the water and coarse salt to the boil. Add the shrimp  
and cook until the water begins to boil again and the shrimp  
are bright pink, about 3 minutes. Drain and peel the shrimp.  
Discard the shells. Melt the butter and cook the spinach,  
stirring, just until the leaves begin to wilt, about 1 minute.  
Remove from the pan and spread on paper towels. Wrap one leaf  
around the wide part of each shrimp, leaving the tail end  
exposed. Divide the tomato puree evenly among 4 plates.  
Arrange 4 shrimp on each plate.  

Yield: 4 servings  



v v v v v

   
   Click here: http://www.greatergood.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/
GreaterGood.woa/wa/directShop?promoid=EGA1326067
  http://www.greatergood.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Greater
Good.woa/wa/directShop?promoid=EGA1326067
  Lots of fun stuff you can buy AND support the animal rescue site too!  Yay!!
 
   Click here: Can Your Pet Keep You Alive?
  http://www.petplace.com/mc/thank-you-visiting-us.aspx?pid=001&artid=1863&aid=1
  When Nick Hansen suffered a heart attack, his physician made several recommendations
as part of a recovery regimen. He told the 65-year-old Chicagoan to quit smoking,
avoid alcohol, lose weight, start a walking program, go on a sodium-restricted and low-cholesterol diet – and
get a dog.  Twenty or 30 years ago, that may have seemed like unusual advice. But thanks
to recent medical studies, doctors are beginning to appreciate the role pets
can play in increasing the chances of survival for heart attack patients.
 
    Be Wise About Treats
S. Athanasiou/gwlittle.com
  

  I can't tell you how many times I’ve been told, "Oh, I NEVER give my dog table
scraps as treats." Every time I hear this, I always think the same thought: "I bet
your table scraps are far more nutritious than most dog treats you find at your local pet supply store!" 
  As sad as it sounds, plenty of dog treat manufacturers do not have a dog's health
in mind. Instead, they create canine junk food made of non-nutritious, cheap ingredients
that might look tasty, but offer little else. Many treats include by-products: "waste"
from a butcher that can include bones, blood, intestines, ligaments, heads, feet,
and feathers — yes, we said feathers!; corn or wheat are notorious for being highly
indigestible to dogs; chemical preservatives like BHA and BHT, which are potential
cancer-causers; or animal fat, rendered animal fat, restaurant grease, or
other oils too rancid or deemed inedible for humans.
   
  Dogs are carnivores, and as such, not only do they naturally crave meat, but it is also
the most nutritious food group for them. When choosing food, be sure that it is a
heavily meat-based selection (avoiding the above-mentioned no-no additives). When
it comes to treats, a meat-based one would also be best for your small dog. From freeze-dried
liver bits, to dehydrated beef or chicken pieces, there are many "smart treats" available,
although you may have to seek out a higher-quality pet supply store rather
than just shopping at your local retail pet food chain.

     In small amounts, treats containing non-meat ingredients are fine, as long as
you select wisely. For a chew-treat, instead of rawhide which can irritate the stomach
lining, try an edible bone made of ingredients that are more easily digestible
(Zuke's Edible Dental Chew Bones, for example, made from a potato starch base). Biscuit-type
treats should preferably be wheat-free and corn-free, and use only fresh, all-natural
ingredients, like organic brown rice flour in Robbie Dawg Biscuits.
  
  Another easy treat option — and maybe the best one for your small dog — is simply
pure cooked meat, avoiding all deli cold cuts, since they contain chemical preservatives.
Slice off a small bite of cooked chicken breast, or let your little one nibble on a piece
of hamburger. Your pooch will go wild with snacking delight, as you
thoughtfully — and nutritiously — cater to the carnivore in them!
  

 
  v v v v v



Q: What do you call breasts injected with silicone?

A: A drug bust!


 
v v v v v



The Top 10 Swimming Pool Pickup Lines
        (Part II)


10> "Is that a snorkle in your swimsuit or are you just happy     to see me?"

9> "Are you familiar with the mating rituals of the sperm whale?
     Allow me to demonstrate."

8> "I've got something here that'll clean the sand out of your crack."

7> "You must be a department store security guard, 'cause you
     just solved my shrinkage problem."

6> "Your paddling stroke says 'dog,' but your bikini says 'fox.'"

5> "Do another of those dives where your top comes off so I can
     show you my breaststroke technique."

4> "Judging by the state of your Speedo, I'd say Florida."

3> "I'm all out of suntan oil, but I did bring my K-Y. Would
     you mind applying some labially-- um, I mean liberally?"

2> "Apparently the cold water hasn't dampened your appreciation
     of my thong."


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Swimming Pool Pickup Line...


1> "This is OK, but if you really want some fun, how about
     joining me in the *gene* pool?"

 
 
v v v v v

 
 
 
 
 
   Click here: Seven Ways to Save on Household Expenses
  http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aB8
  Running a household is an expensive affair, but there are lots of things that
you can do to minimize the cost. Here are the top seven:
 

   Click here: Arrange-a-Room
  http://www.bhg.com/bhg/category.jsp?categoryid=/temp
latedata/bhg/category/data/arrangearoomtest.xml
  Use the menu on the site to add furniture and architecture to your room.  When
you're done, click "save" below to save your room.
You can create up to 25 different rooms!
     
 
 
v v v v v



*sumitted by*
BADVETTE87



On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. 
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched
for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. 

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on
the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to
sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! 

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. 
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and
he would then lift him out of the pit
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A  Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"



v v v v v



             The Top 7 Differences in the Los Angeles            
                Police Department Were It Staffed                
                      Exclusively by Pirates                     


7> Sgt. Friday: "We be needin' naught but the facts, ye wench."

6> Officers would be temporarily reassigned to desk jobs if they
    *didn't* kill somebody.

5> Community service sentences would involve removing barnacles
    from police cruisers.

4> Prostitution stings undermined when mastman yells "Land Ho'!"

3> Minority suspects wearing bandannas could add impersonating a
    police officer to the laundry list of grossly trumped-up
    charges they'd face.

2> Dash-cam replaced by a midget with a telescope perched high
    aloft the roof.


                and the Number 1 Difference in the               
              Los Angeles Police Department Were It              
                Staffed Exclusively by Pirates...                


1> Total coolness not withstanding, motorcycle cops would end up
    constantly circling back to retrieve blown-off parrots.



v v v v v









v v v v v



A  woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her
apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he
asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your  head
between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but
willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let
out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said. On the second attempt the very
same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied "If you
think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy as hell!



v v v v v



Phobaphobia, n: The fear of fear itself.



v v v v v

 
 
 
 
  Planting Cool-Season Annuals
 
  Early spring is a great time to plant cool-season annuals such as
  pansies, snapdragons, and sweet peas. These plants grow quickly
  and bloom while the weather is still cold or cool. When the days
  get longer and hotter, most cool-season annuals stop blooming.
 
  In mild-winter climates, many cool-season annuals that are
  planted in late summer bloom throughout winter. In general,
  cool-season annuals can withstand mild frosts. Here are two  favorites:
 
  *    Stock.Matthiola incana. One of the more deliciously
       fragrant annuals, with intense, spicy scents. Flower
       spikes reach 12 to 30 inches high (depending on
       variety) in shades of white, pink, purple, and red.
       Stocks are best started from transplants. Grow in full sun.
 
  *    Primroses.Primula species. Perennials in many mild
       climates, but usually grown as annuals. Brightly
       colored flower clusters top off straight stems that are
       12 to 18 inches high. Fairy primrose, P. malacoides,
       produces airy clusters of white, pink, and lavender
       blooms above hairy leaves. English primrose, P.
       polyantha, has brighter, often multicolored flowers
       above deep green, crinkled leaves. Plant in full to
       partial shade, and start with transplants.
 
  For more information like this, get a copy of Landscaping For
  Dummies by Philip Giroux.
 
 
 
v v v v v



What's the difference between the game of pool and a woman?

With pool you put all the balls in the holes and the stick stays
out, while with a woman you put the stick in and you leave the balls out.



v v v v v



The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked
their son what they were having.

"Goat," Little Johnny replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the
old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"



v v v v v

 
 
 
 
 

   Click here: Energy Star and the PC
  http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DkE
  ENERGY STAR was a program that was first developed back in 1992 by the
US Environmental Protection Agency as a voluntary labeling program. Essentially,
products that met a specific power criteria could display the logo as a means
inform consumers they were more energy efficient than the traditional product.
They first began this labeling with personal computer products that
tended to be left on at all times by corporations.
 
 
 
v v v v v



Define "proctologist."
A crack investigator.




Define "bisexual."
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.



v v v v v



When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.

"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."

Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.

"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"



v v v v v



Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house.

Bring your husbands.



v v v v v



 
 
  Napping -- Does It Help or Hurt?
 
  Some people with insomnia find themselves nodding off at odd
  times during the day and early evening hours. Sometimes they feel
  so sleepy they simply can't hold their heads up for another
  minute and they think a quick nap is the answer. Although it may
  make you feel better in the short term, napping isn't a
  good idea for people with insomnia. Most doctors agree that
  daytime napping only exacerbates the person's inability to
  get to sleep at night and decreases the effectiveness of
  long-term therapies, such as training yourself to associate sleep
  with darkness and keeping a reliable bedtime.
 
  For more information like this, get a copy of Sleep Disorders For
  Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/Dummies
Title/productCd-0764539019.html?cid=eTipBookLink ],
  by Max Hirshkowitz, PHD, DABSM, and Patricia Smith.
 
 
 
v v v v v



The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.



v v v v v



The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great
chest you have."

He tells her, "That's100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you
have. The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He
catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after
I saw how short the fuse was."



v v v v v

 
 
  When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate
and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will
settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of
your bowling team.
 
 

v v v v v

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS

http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/dearfriends/dearfriends.htm_



v v v v v



*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com

 
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff
watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted
and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
  
   "Howdy, stranger."
  
   "Howdy, Sheriff."
     
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and
placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up
on the walk, and aimed towards the swing doors of the saloon.
  
   "Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
  
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
  
   "And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.
  
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.



v v v v v



I wish I had a dollar for every time somebody
told me to slow down while I was driving.

Then maybe I could pay this speeding ticket.



v v v v v



CORN SALAD w/ MANGO & JICAMA  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
4 cups frozen sweet corn  
3 small mangoes, peeled, pitted and diced  
1 1/2 lbs jicama, peeled and diced  
1/4 cup chopped red onion  
1/4 cup fresh chopped cilantro  
1/4 cup fresh lime juice  

DIRECTIONS:  
Cook corn and cool. Combine all ingredients in a medium  
bowl and toss to combine. Cover and refrigerate until  
cold. (Can be prepared 3 hours ahead. Keep refrigerated.)  
Serve cold.  

Yield: 8 servings  



v v v v v





Attachment Safety


Well, it doesn't seem like any hackers are going to give up any time soon. There
have been a number of really bad viruses just within the past six months and it
seems like a lot of them are transported or replicated from PC to PC via e-mail
attachments (http://www.worldstart.com/guides/emailattach.htm) . These are easy
to spot if you're paying attention, because they are usually executable files. But not always.

Some attachments contain macros, which are simple programs that run within other
programs. All the titles in Microsoft Office use macros. If you're not that familiar with
spotting file extensions, don't worry, that's what I'm here to talk about today. If you're a
little hazy on the whole "file extension" thing, let's spend a few moments going over it.

File extensions (http://www.worldstart.com/tips/computer-terms/termfileextensions.htm) 
are what tell the program how to treat a particular piece of  data. For example, most people
are somewhat familiar with .doc or .txt file extensions. Those are both text documents and
when the user opens them, the operating system looks at the extension
and automatically knows how to go  about opening it.

Hackers try to use some sort of eye catching ploy to get you to open their e-mail and activate
the virus, which always happens to be an  attachment. Most antivirus programs nowadays
stop or at least warn you of  these high risk attachments and they even take measures to
protect you.  However, on the average, 10 to 15 new viruses are created every day and I
personally wouldn't count on any program to protect my PC 100 percent. That's  why I scrutinize
any e-mails I get. If I wasn't expecting an attachment, I  won't open it
until I have a chance to talk to the sender.

Some of the more common file types used to hide viruses include:

.scr - Windows Screen Saver. Use caution if you receive a screensaver via e-mail. They can contain  worms or viruses.
.pif - Do not open! This is most likely a virus. Clicking it will run a program or code that can mess up your computer. 
.exe - Executable file.  It's a program that contains a virus, Trojan horse or worm.
.pps - MS PowerPoint (can contain macro viruses).
.zip - Zip (compressed) files.
.vbs - Visual Basic scripts.
.bat - Executable MS DOS batch files.
.com - DOS executable commands.
.asp - Active server page, Internet scripts. 
.doc - Word document (can contain macro viruses).
.xls - Excel file (can contain macro viruses).

Now, this is in no way a complete list.
Just because an attachment may have one of these extensions doesn't mean it is
a virus, but it should send up warning flags. Hackers use clever subject lines and viruses can
appear to come from a friend, so stay on your toes and don't be a victim to their deceptive traps.
Scan those attachments and verify with the sender before you open anything! 


Chad Stelnicki
worldstart.com



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college, but half way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered all his money.  He calls home. 

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They
actually have a program here in Bozeman that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says.  "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in 
the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've
had such good results  they have started to teach
the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"  "Just
send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."  The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem.  At the end of the year, his father will find out
the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol'
Blue?  I just can't wait to  see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, 
Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the
  Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little
  redhead who lives in town?'

"The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of
a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.



v v v v v



      The Top 13 Signs a Presidential Candidate Is an Actor


13> Will show up for debates only if his dressing room has a bowl
    of green M&Ms.

12> He's got that cold gleam of sincerity in his eye.

11> Before each speech, he has to have an emotional moment.

10> Refers to White House as "my next project."

9> Changes "Hail to the Chief" to the theme from "The Tonight Show."

8> After two terms as president, suddenly wakes up next to
    Suzanne Pleshette and discovers it was all a dream.

7> She's a Scientologist, plus when Congress is out of session,
    she waits tables.

6> Declares she will do nudity if it is integral to the bill.

5> His answer to unrest in the Middle East? "Remove it digitally
    in post-production."

4> "As Abraham Lincoln once said, 'Four score and seven years
    ago... um... and seven years ago...' [*ahem*] LINE!"

3> "To stop bureaucratic waste, we need more whistle blowers!
    You know to be a whistle blower, don't you? Just put your
    lips together and blow."

2> When he tosses his hat into the ring, his hairpiece goes
    flying right along with it.


                and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign a
              Presidential Candidate Is an Actor...


1> Keeps interrupting the debate moderator to ask when he
    and Hillary are supposed to have their steamy love scene.



v v v v v






The Car Name Game - AOL  Autos
http://autos.aol.com/article/general/v2/_a/the-car-name-game/
20070705101309990001?ncid=AOLCMP00020000000009 
In a contest back in 1954, car designer Alden Giberson came up with a name
that would power a hot new Ford product every bit as effectively as its  standard V-8
engine. That name was the Ford Thunderbird, and, for his efforts, Giberson
won a $95 suit and a $42 pair of trousers.

Car Gadgets 101 : CNET Online Courses - Tips, Tricks, and How-tos at CNET.
http://car-gadgets-101.classes.cnet.com/ (http://car-gadgets-101.classes.cnet.com/)
Whether you’re in the market for a new car or simply looking to accessorize your current
ride, learn which tech baubles and electronic upgrades make sense, and which are
more trouble than they’re worth.

Overview

Lesson 1:  Factory-installed gadgetsLesson 
2:  Drive easier with hard drives
Lesson 3:  Factory audio systems
Lesson  4:  Smoking out Smokey
Lesson 5:  GPS systems
Lesson 6:  Music, movies, and security



v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net


A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told
the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blow jobs!"

"Blow jobs?" the woman replied.

"I don't know for sure, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and if it turned out to
be true...no more blow jobs for her!  She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
might never have to perform this less than wonderful act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband yelled back, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."



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When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant,
Ann got a little scared.

"It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush," and I don't
actually know the first thing about how babies are delivered."

"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really
not all that different from how the baby got started in the
first place."

Startled, Ann exclaimed, "You mean, five tequila shooters and then
a ride in Charlie's truck?"



v v v v v





PC World - PC World Downloads - What's Running
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,64952/description.html?tk=nl_hsxdwn
Are you the kind of person who needs to peer deep into your PC, and know 
exactly what's running on your system? Do you want to know about every single
process, every single services, view every single IP connection, find out the 
details of every drivers?and more. Then you'll love this program. In a simple, 
tabbed interface, you'll find out all that, and plenty more as well, such as a 
list of all the programs that run on startup, and a comprehensive listing of 
your system hardware and software. The program does more than peer into your 
system, though. It also lets you take actions, such as stopping and starting
processes and services, and halting unwanted programs from running on startup. 

PC World - PC World Downloads - FreeRAM XP Pro
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,26709/description.html?tk=nl_hsxdwn  
Your PC's memory is a little bit like a plate of cookies at a party: You
turn your back and it's all been nibbled away. FreeRAM XP Pro is a free 
utility that tries to keep your memory from being consumed by a system full of 
hungry programs. The program optimizes how apps use memory, forcing them to 
use the minimum required and leaving as much as possible free for other 
programs. This should (in theory) make your computer faster and more
responsive. Although it's tough to tell how good a job it does, it seemed to 
be more intelligent than Windows in keeping memory free. In addition, the 
ability to free up large chunks of memory is useful if you are going to be 
running a program that needs it (a feature FreeRAM XP Pro calls AutoFree). Of
course, this utility won't make your system as fast as adding more memory to your
motherboard, but it's a useful tool if you find yourself running low on  memory
and want to try and make more efficient use of what you have.

PC World - PC World Downloads - Windows 98 Shutdown Supplement
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,6794-order,1-page,1-c,utilities/description.html
This patch addresses shutdown issues on systems with specific hardware/software
  configurations running Windows 98 Second Edition. The issues include systems 
restarting when the user selects the Shut Down command and
systems hanging during the shutdown process.



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The Top 15 Summer Replacement TV Series in Hell


15> Saints Elsewhere

14> Studio 666 on the Sun

13> Welcome Back Cheney

12> 7th Heathen

11> Mayberry CSI

10> When Things Were Rotting

9> The Fresh Prince of Darkness

8> Raw Hide

7> The Sinful Life

6> Rosie 24/7!

5> Awl in the Family Jewels

4> ESPN's Underworld Series of Pokings

3> The Frying Nun

2> The Grill More Girls


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Summer Replacement TV Series in Hell...


1> The Brimstones



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MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.



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Here's to woman!

Would that we could fall into her arms without
falling into her hands



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Michael Bublé's "Call Me Irresponsible" Tops Charts in Pre-sales
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Dls
Call Me Irresponsible features Bublé interpretations of classics by the likes of  Leonard Cohen,
Eric Clapton, Cy Coleman, Gamble and Huff, Harold Arlen, and Johnny Mercer. The first
single from the new album, the Bublé penned "Everything" (http://jazz.about.com/od/m
ichaelbubl/a/bubleeverything.htm), has just been released and will be performed by the
artist on The Today Show on the day of the release, May 1st. Bublé is also scheduled
to make a special  appearance on American Idol on April 25th. The Vancouver native, whose 
collective worldwide record sales are over 11 million units, is also scheduled to begin a global
concert tour in Reno, Nevada on July 13th with stops including Chicago, New York,
Philadelphia, Atlanta, Los Angeles and Seattle. 

Disney Mania 5
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Dlu
Disney Mania 5 is the latest in a series which combines favorite teen singers with
classic Disney movie songs.  It's very cool from every angle. Teens will enjoy their
favorite artists, little kids will love hearing songs from favorite movies, and
parents will like reminiscing to some of the classic songs.

Songs About Loss and Grief - Rap Songs About Grief and Loss
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Dln
Music often wields a strong connection with our feelings, and there's no doubt that
it can be therapeutic in stressful situations. I know first hand that certain songs set 
our moods or activate specific memories as soon as we hear them.
Whether you're bereaved or connected to someone who's currently mourning a loss,
you'll find the following 10 Rap Songs About Grief and Loss powerful and emotional.



v v v v v



ZESTY GRILLED BONELESS PORK CHOPS  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
4 boneless pork chops, 1/2-inch thick  
1/2 cup thick and chunky hot salsa  
4 tablespoons water  
4 tablespoons orange marmalade  
1/2 teaspoon seasoned salt  

DIRECTIONS:  
In small bowl, combine salsa, water, marmalade and seasoned  
salt; blend well. Place pork chops in plastic bag or nonmetal  
baking dish. Pour 1/2 of marinade mixture over pork, turning  
to coat. Seal bag or cover dish; marinate about 1 hour, turning  
pork chops several times. When ready to barbecue, remove pork  
chops from marinade and discard used marinade. Place chops on  
grill 4-6 inches above medium-high coals. Grill about 4 minutes  
per side, basting with reserved marinade.  

Yield: 4 Servings  
Categories: Meats, Pork, Grill  



v v v v v



Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they usually
aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or two.



v v v v v



When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some
adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short
haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to
him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night
when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.

In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband
shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' in on the port side!"



v v v v v






Reading the f*%$##@! manual
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1456.html
Here!

Reality TV reaches a new LOW
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1457.html
Here!

A good screw
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1458.html
Here!

XYZ
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1459.html
Here!

Fly action....not enough
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1460.html
Here!

Temple?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1406.html
Here!

I'm so bored...
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1407.html
Here!

When men get horny!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1408.html
Here!

Junior just found out the truth!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1409.html
Here!

Honeymoon limo
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1410.html
Here!

Did The Earth Move?
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/082.htm
Here

Extras...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny984.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny985.html
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny986.html



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  Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
  to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
  systems and other variables beyond our control
 

 
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  Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
  here next week, same time - same place
 
  but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
  never,
  ever,
  EVER
  forget to
 
  keep on rockin'
  it's a state of mind
 
 
 
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  ©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
 
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