Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
DISGUSTING - SICKENING
Of course I am referring to Michael Vick who has been charged with criminal
activities ie., conspiracy
to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and to sponsor
a dog in an
animal fighting venture. He faces up to six years in prison. SIX
YEARS? Throw his
sorry ass in prison and throw away the key. If you know me, you know my
anger and sorrow about
this situation is mindblowing. I won't rant anymore --- I will leave you
with this quote:
"Dogs are like mirrors. They reflect the qualities of their owners". - Brandon
Bond
Taking a child with special needs on vacation can be anything but relaxing --
having to make do with imperfect
accommodations, unfamiliar surroundings, and people who don't get your child
can make getting home
to the old dull routine seem more like a getaway than anything.
But what if you could vacation with families who are all dealing with the same
special needs, in a venue specifically
equipped and scheduled for the happiness of children like yours?
Surf over to the VACATION links!!
A day spent romping at the beach or playing softball in the park is fun for
the whole family.
But keep an eye on your pet -- she's the one wearing the fur coat.
Overheating can lead to heatstroke, a condition that occurs when a dog is unable
to maintain a normal body
temperature by panting. Find this article at a link in the PETS section
below.
Guess which car manufacturer just announced LIFETIME warranty on the
powertrain of their vehicles? Get the scoop in the CAR CRAZY section.
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
On Saturday, your favorite humor list moderator celebrated
half a century of semi-clean living on this hunk of rock.
The worst part about it is that in Los Angeles, 50 is the
new 20 -- so I can't drink legally again until NEXT July.
"Chris, what other issues might an aging Internet-pioneer-
who-missed-the-'90s-IPOs have to deal with?" you ask? Trust
me, it can get ugly. Here's a little glimpse into my life...
The Top 20 Ways Chris Is Feeling His Mortality
20> Has started ordering his Shirley Temples with an olive instead of a cherry.
19> That once-cool full-back tattoo of Jacko moonwalking seems dated.
18> "Oh, yeah? Well, when I was young, we didn't have amateur
video webcams with free pornography! We had to steal Dad's
Playboys from his closet!"
17> His 13-year-old humor list wants the keys to the car, the
phone rings non-stop and #7 wants to know if he can get a tattoo.
16> Screams "Get a haircut, hippie!" every time Justin Timberlake is on TV.
15> Then: sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Now: MILF porn, Viagra and Yanni.
14> Getting out of bed produces more pops, creaks and groans than
an antique schooner made of Rice Crispies.
13> Suddenly feels extra-pervy when wanking to Lindsay Lohan pix.
12> Now needs a Clapper to raise the head of his Craftmatic bed so
he can make sure nobody's messing with his Rascal at night.
11> Monthly shipment of "Girls Gone Wild" videos now comes with
Surgeon General's warning.
10> With each passing day, Sophia Loren looks hotter and hotter.
9> Thirty years removed from high-school Spanish class, a trip to
Costa Rica for a quick lipo and bum lift resulted in man-boob
augmentation surgery.
8> Last year, had more hemorrhoids than drunken hookups.
7> Has a cameo in Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" -- as a
threatening source of methane.
6> Was secretly ecstatic when the birthday stripper canceled
and everyone ended up watching reruns of "Simon and Simon."
5> It's a bitch finding dentures with a built-in grill.
4> Every morning, the same damn IM from gr1mR34pr: "How r u
feeling 2day?"
3> His Depends make his Speedo lumpy in all the wrong places.
2> When he runs out of lube to use with his love doll, it seems
more like a woman his age.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way Chris Is Feeling His Mortality...
1> These days when the hooker unzips his pants and reaches in,
she finds his navel.
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Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
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Bob was such a womanizer. Everywhere he went, he was
always hitting on women. True to his form, he was at a
department store one afternoon and was attracted to one
of the saleswomen and proceeded to see if she would go
out with him that evening.
She snapped at him, "I know your type. You think you can
take me for drinks, and then try to get me back to your
apartment, and then get me in to your bed. I can read
you like a book."
Bob just smiled and said, "Well then, don’t miss
Chapter 5, it’s a doozie."
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A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a
major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs,
racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs
him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples?
I believe you would defend Satan himself!"
"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"
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Mrs. Jones sent her daughter Silvia to buy some groceries
at the market. On the way she met some boys who asked her to
climb up a tree and get them some fruit of which she did.
She bought the groceries and got back home to her mother.
Mrs.Jones: "Why did you take so long?"
Silvia: "I met some boys who asked me to climb up a tree
and fetch them some fruit."
Mrs.Jones: "Silvia, you should know that when boys ask you
to climb up a tree, all they want to see is your underwear.
You shouldn't have done it."
Silvia: "Mother, I know, that's why I took it off before
climbing up the tree..."
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"According to the 'Home & Garden' network, some women get more
satisfaction from doing housework than from having sex. I understand
that. At least when they're doing housework, they get to finish."
Jay Leno
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Click here: Major Windows Piracy
Operation Shut Down
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3xyg
Earlier this week, the FBI and Chinese authorities announced a major bust related
to pirated Windows
software. 25 people were arrested, and more than $500 million worth of counterfeit
Microsoft and Symantec software
was seized. Microsoft estimates that the counterfeit ring has distributed around
$2 billion
worth of counterfeit software in just the last few years
Click
here: Dummies::Cleaning Windows Vista: The Notification Area
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-4407.html?cid=etipArticleLink
The area at the far-right side of the Windows taskbar traditionally is called
the system tray, but it's also
been referred to as the task tray or simply the tray. With the
release of Windows Vista,
it's going by the name Notification area.
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday," he says.
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name
is Kermit Jagger, his
dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager
and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you and wants
to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling
Stone."
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A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!!
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Click here: Amtrak
Offering Tickets through Cell Phones - Mobile News - Digital Trends
http://news.digitaltrends.com/article12922.html
Nationwide train service rolls out amtrak.mobi, a new mobile offering which
enables
the ability to purchase travel tickets through mobile devices.
Click
here: Latest cell phones need virus protection-Electronics-Cons.
Products-News By Industry-News-The Economic Times
http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/News/News_By_Industry/Cons_Products/
Latest_cell_phones_need_virus_protection/articleshow/2009554.cms
It's a brave new world for mobile phones as many tasks such as e-mails and web
surfing that
used to be the exclusive realm of computers have now shifted to phones.
Unfortunately, that means viruses and Trojan horse program have also made the
transition.
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The Top 7 Beauty Tips for Men, from Women
7> Unless you are on the Olympic swim team, Speedos are not for you.
6> Giving her your credit card makes her eyes sparkle and skin glow.
5> Breasts grow and nipples protrude during chick flicks.
4> Some guys look like David Beckham with stubble. Some look like
Homer Simpson. Before you leave the house, figure out which
category you fall into.
3> Walking around with little bloody pieces of tissue on your
face does not make me feel sympathy for you. It does make you
look like a dork.
2> Darling, a swig of warm, flat, leftover beer the next morning
does NOT constitute mouthwash.
and the Number 1 Beauty Tip for Men, from Women...
1> It's called toilet paper. Use it, Mr. Skidmark.
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Chelsea Clinton
She was in Iraq interviewing troops for an article she is writing for NY
Times. She asked one troop: "Who are the 3 people you fear the most." The
troop thought about it for a minute and replied: "Osama, Obama and your mama"
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Click here: Custom
Cruises Offered for Families of Kids With Autism
http://specialchildren.about.com/b/a/258915.htm
Taking a child with special needs on vacation can be anything but relaxing --
having to make do with imperfect
accommodations, unfamiliar surroundings, and people who don't get your child
can make getting home to the old
dull routine seem more like a getaway than anything. But what if you could vacation
with families who are all dealing with the
same special needs, in a venue specifically equipped and scheduled for the happiness
of children like yours? That's the
idea behind Autism
on the Seas cruises from Alumni
Cruises, which uses Royal Caribbean line ships for
autism-themed cruises featuring professional staff, dietary accommodations,
gatherings designed for children with autism and their
siblings, and presumably more parent-to-parent networking than you can flap
a beach towel at.
Click here: Paradise found - 24-Hour
Layover: Maui - MSNBC.com
http://g.msn.com/0NL49287/8846
Explore and discover the magic of Maui
Spirit Airlines to charge for all checked
baggage - Travel News - MSNBC.com
http://g.msn.com/0NL49287/8848
Spirit Airlines to charge for all checked baggage!!
Fliers must buy coffee, other in-flight drinks, but carrier slashing airfares
Oslo tops list as world’s most expensive
city - Luxury Travel - MSNBC.com
http://g.msn.com/0NL49287/8854
Planning a European summer vacation? Save your money.Eight of the ten costliest
cities worldwide are located
in Europe, according to a recent survey from The Economist Group.Oslo, Norway
topped the list of the most expensive,
followed by Paris, Copenhagen, Denmark and London. Two Japanese cities broke
into the top ten: Tokyo — which
claimed the top spot in 2005 and came in second last year — at fifth and Osaka
Kobe at sixth.
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*submitted by*
CHIN3917
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic
athlete, but she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an
astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to
go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling
people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be
president because she can't do anything else."
Jay Leno
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In any hospital in-patient unit, the nursing
assistant rules. Make him happy, and you and
your patients are happy. Make her mad ...
The
Top 9 Signs Your NA Is a Terrorist
9> Insists on calling you "Mr. Unwashed Infidel," even after finishing your
sponge bath.
8> He seems to talk a lot about bio-weapons, and the way he
fondles those red waste bags is just creepy.
7> Sponge-bath sessions constantly being interrupted by Homeland
Security agents, who usually wind up confiscating the no-rinse
shampoo "as a precaution."
6> Every time he changes the bedpan he expresses admiration for your "dirty
bomb" skills.
5> Most NAs: Clothes smell slightly of old man's gas.
Your NA: Clothes smell slightly of nerve gas.
4> He constantly refers to LPNs and RNs as "bourgeoisie capitalist scum."
3> That sulfurous smell in the air? She's trying to light the fuse on her
stethoscope.
2> A wild-eyed Jack Bauer bursts into your hospital room,
barricades the door, and breathlessly asks if you know how to
use a Glock.
and the Number 1 Sign Your NA Is a Terrorist ...
1> Every time you press the call button, the floor rumbles and
you hear the faint sound of an explosion.
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*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered
around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked
one of the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he
said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to
stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for
anybody who can.
"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.
"No you can't," said Ted.
"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.
"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.
"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in
circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes
the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a
blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's
back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.
He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell
did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.
"Remember three months ago," Ed said... "When my wife had whooping cough..."
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"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President
Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan.
Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under
the desk."
Jay Leno
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*submitted by*
rhjohnson50@hotmail.com
At Yale University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them
had
an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before
finals,
they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a
great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday
and didn't make it back to Yale until early Monday morning. Rather
than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would
explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result,
they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final
the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that
night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave
them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5
points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this
was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written.... For 95 points: Which tire?
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I miss HBO's "Deadwood." Without the show
on the air, it's much more difficult to
work the word "cocksucker" into casual
conversation around the water cooler.
(Jenn
McNanna)
The Valentine's Day card said it all:that her
love made me feel at peace, light on my feet
and content to the depths of my being. Though I
probably should have stopped the analogy before
"... like the serenity of shedding a good dump."
(Mark
D. Sabien)
I just found out the hard way that the
air travel ban on fluids over three
ounces does not apply to testicles.
And according to the expertise of
the disgusted TSA official, mine only
held about an ounce and half anyway.
(Fazer)
To be honest, it was hard to tell whether
the hooker's comment about disliking
blowjobs was serious or cock-in-cheek.
(Mark
D. Sabien)
People joke about how Santa only comes
once a year. Maybe so, but on that one
night he comes about a billion times.
(Sebastian
P.)
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Click
here: Lifetimetv.com: Games - Lifetime Games - My Story Is Makeover
http://email.lifetimetelevision.com:8080/trk/click?ref=zpn0hoq8t_1-48fx3ef7x32334498&
It's fast - and free and I'm going to play it now! OK, It's not a game
just a
makeover -- probably a girl-type thing
Click
here: Jewels of Cleopatra
http://www.gamehouse.com/gamedetails/?game=jewelsofcl&navpage=downloadgames&utm_source=game
house-house&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2007-03-16_link2&utm_campaign=newsletter_2007-03-16
Match tiles to lead an adventurous archaeologist on a thrilling journey through
the Nile Valley in this exciting
puzzler. Swap colorful tiles to create matching groups of three or more and
light a path so Dr. Felicity
Turnstone can continue her quest. Unlock treasure chests full of unique and
helpful items. But, hurry!
An underhanded art dealer with plans of his own is right behind you! Featuring
more than 100
levels, thrilling mini-games, and hours of matching madness, Jewels of Cleopatra
is a creative twist on family fun.
Click
here: Agatha Christie Game Download at Big Fish Games
http://www.bigfishgames.com/downloads/agathachristiedeat/index.html?src=bfg12y0xenl0259
A great “Seek and Find” adventure bringing a whole new way of enjoying this
timeless Agatha Christie™
story of Death on the Nile to life. Assume the role of renowned detective
Hercule Poirot seeking clues to a
mysterious murder aboard a ship cruising the River Nile. Find needed objects,
question
suspects and uncover the truth behind the Death on the Nile.
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Why do vegetarians make a big deal about eating hamburgers? Beef
is really nothing but plants run through a food processor called
a cow. It's just another way to get your vegetables.
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A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is
not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do
about it.
The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the
trick.
She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in
the
morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and
she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would
happen
if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but
to go
ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist
that
the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave
him five
pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that
the sex just
keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest
of the bottle.
The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't
know what
a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's
office and
put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the
dumb fuck who
gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts,
and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty,
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Click
here: Get the New Age of Fitness booklet at Humana Medicare
http://www.humana-medicare.com/Ad/fitness/index.asp?KC=0305044845&cm_mmc_o=-g
yBEYFCjCVV2CjC7BBTkwCjCdbfEwllVKd&source=gawcfit03&adgroup=Exercise
Get a free healthy living guide and receive exclusive fitness tips now
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"To give you an idea of how fast summer has gone by, earlier today, Rosie
O’Donnell reported to the Minnesota Vikings training camp."
David Letterman
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To err is human,
but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,
you're overdoing it.
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Click here: Water for Your
Horse - The Importance of Water for Horse Health
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DBG
A constant supply of clean fresh water for your horse is an essential
element in good horse care. Your horse
should always have water available in its stable and pasture. While traveling
dehydration is a concern and
on long trailer rides and during events or long trail rides horses must be offered
water frequently.
Click here: Is bottled drinking
water unsafe for cats - Health FAQ
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DBJ
If you have cats - this might be helpful
Click here: Why does my
orange tabby have black spots on his lips?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DBL
A common question (and worry) of cat owners relates to black spots that just
seem to "appear" on the lips,
nose and eye margins, especially on orange colored cats. What is this,
and are these spots
something to worry about? Find out in this FAQ.
How to Spot Heatstroke
A day spent romping at the beach or playing softball in the park is fun for
the whole family. But keep an eye on
your pet -- she's the one wearing the fur coat. Overheating can lead
to heatstroke, a condition that occurs when a
dog is unable to maintain a normal body temperature by panting. Watch for signs
of heatstroke, such
as heavy panting; excessive salivating; staggered walking; muscle tremors;
seizures; glazed eyes; noticeably
darker tongue and gums; vomiting; or bloody diarrhea. Contact your vet; a visit
may be necessary
to check your pet for dehydration and other complications.
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any
skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered some
of
her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that
the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day,
he
was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How
can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, " I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek
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*submitted by*
CHIN3917
"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for
president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she
finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed."
Jay Leno
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realsimple.com
11
New Uses for Salt
Think twice before you toss that spilled salt over your shoulder — the flavor
enhancer is incredibly
useful. “Salt has an affinity to water and can draw moisture out of many
foods,” says Wolke. “Grains of
table salt are also very hard, which is why they act as a handy abrasive.”
Use Salt to:
1. Make eggs or cream whip up faster and higher. Add a pinch of salt
before beating.
2. De-ice sidewalks. In a pinch, it can be used as a substitute for rock
salt.
3. Keep chicken or turkey moist. Rub salt in the cavity of the bird before
cooking.
4. Prevent sautés made with eggplant or zucchini from getting watery.
Sprinkle salt on these vegetables before cooking.
5. Eliminate sticky residue from an iron. Run the hot iron (no steam)
over plain paper sprinkled with salt.
6. Clean drains. Pour a hot, strong solution (1/2 cup salt for every
quart of water) down the drain.
7. Remove dirt from leafy vegetables, such as spinach. Wash the vegetables
in a bath of salt water.
8. Prevent frost from accumulating inside car windows. Rub the glass
with a solution of 2 teaspoons of salt in 1 gallon of hot water. Wipe dry.
9. Remove sangria and red-wine stains from your washables. Stretch the
fabric over a bowl, cover the stain with salt, and carefully pour boiling water
over it.
10. Keep shells from cracking when boiling eggs. Add a few pinches of
salt to the water.+ one more
11. Chill a bottle of bubbly — fast. Place ice around its base in an
ice bucket; sprinkle with a few tablespoons of salt.
Layer salt and ice until they reach the neck. Fill with water. Wait 10 minutes;
serve.
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The
Top 17 Signs of Progress in Iraq
17> Completion of Grand Sultan Cheney's retirement palace is way ahead of
schedule.
16> Baghdad International Airport is now running two non-stop flights a day
to Guantanamo Bay.
15> Internet cafes recently upgraded to 9600 baud modems.
14> Al-Qaeda recruitment continues to rise, giving us the
advantage of more targets and an easier-to-locate enemy.
13> All those car bombs make the lines at the Baghdad DMV much shorter.
12> Animal control in Baghdad is no longer an issue following
the arrival of Corporal Michael Vick.
11> Eighty-four percent of American schoolchildren now know the
difference between Iraq, the country we invaded and occupy
and Iran, the country we intend to invade and occupy.
10> Old most popular name: Abdul.
New most popular name: Condoleezza.
9> Tikrit Starbucks head barista Chemical Ali makes one mean Kona-Blend
Frappucino!
8> Former site of the torn-down statue of Saddam now sports
a cheery Bob's Big Boy statue.
7> Cutting out the middleman, the military is now taking down
insurgents with weapons that fire actual tax dollars.
6> Clitoral circumcision now limited to camels.
5> Forty-two percent of Iraqis now have Internet access and are
calling for the stoning of Paris Hilton.
4> Insurgents no longer using threats and violence to rig
elections now that they can do it electronically with
state-of-the-art Diebold voting machines.
3> New diamond lanes let you whiz by suicide bombers stuck in rush-hour
traffic.
2> The Iraqi Parliament finally ratified a U.S-style constitution
with three branches of government: Legislative, Judicial
and Halliburton.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign of Progress in Iraq...
1> Admit it: A resurgent Baath Party sounds like a sudsy, kinky good
time!
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The
Top 10 Little-Known Birth Control Devices
10> Shooting a Winning America's Funniest Home Video (AKA getting hit in
the groin)
9> South Park Chewables
8> www.collegetuitionsurvey.com?year=2026
7> Your existing children screeching for Fruity Pebbles just outside
the bedroom door
6> The K-Tel Bobbitizer
5> Cervical Beanie: like the cervical cap, but with effectiveness
enhanced by a small propeller that blows the sperm back
where it came from
4> The Imperceptibly-Slowly-Constricting Penis Ring
3> Stick-on herpes sores
2> Hermione Granger's "Erecto Reductio!" curse
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Little-Known Birth Control Device...
1> Elmer's Urethra Glue
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Click
here: Clean Home Journal™ - Gardening
http://www.cleanhomejournal.com/gardening/49-index.asp
Imagine waking up every morning to a fresh whiff of chocolate in your
garden! Believe it or not, there
are plants that actually smell just like chocolate. And because their
scent becomes heat activated at different
times, you can enjoy a fresh chocolate scent morning to late afternoon—if you
plant accordingly. To enhance
the experience, add some plants with leaves that look as velvety as chocolate,
plus others with scents that
complement the aroma of chocolate. Most should not be eaten; only two listed
below can be used in cooking.
Read on to discover more. Then take a stroll
through our click-through garden of chocolate-themed flowers.
Click
here: Clean Home Journal™ - Gardening
http://www.cleanhomejournal.com/gardening/31-index.asp Whether you lean toward
perennials or
summer-blooming bulbs, now's the time to ensure your garden stays color-bright
all summer long. Va-va-vavoom colors
are in this year, so be a little daring in how you juxtapose shades. Just don't
forget to mix and match brights with
lush tropical foliage to fill in any sparse patches. The superstars featured
below can be started "from scratch"
(roots or bulbs) or purchased "store bought" (pre-grown as nursery container
plants).
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John was standing in the lingerie store staring at a
collection of Wonder Bras.
The clerk noticed he had been there for some time, so she walked
over and asked him if she could be of assistance.
John answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed
to pick the size she is, or the size I want her to be?"
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Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the
evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted
to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
v
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Click
here: Dummies::Cleaning Windows XP: Taming Web Cache Files
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2636.html?cid=etipArticleLink
Web browsers maintain what is called a cache, an area of
your hard drive where the browser stashes recently
stored Web pages and, more likely, recently stored images downloaded while you
travel through the Internet.
If you have a slow Internet connection, the cache is a necessity because it
prevents the need for
downloading graphics every time you visit a Web page. Visit once and
the graphics are downloaded to
the cache. Visit the site again and the graphics are loaded from the
cache, eliminating the need to
download them over the slower Internet connection. (The cache is less
useful if you're
using a high-speed connection, simply because downloading graphics takes
less time.)
The problem is that if you visit 30 Web pages, each with an average of
10 graphics, you end up with 300 graphic
images in your cache. Multiply that times a month of browsing every day,
and all of a
sudden you have 9,000 graphics in your cache.
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I saw my ex this morning, running after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
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On a recent Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers
were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant
announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"
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Click
here: Beliefnet: Health and Healing
http://www.beliefnet.com/healthandhealing/getcontent.aspx?cid=14646&WT.mc_id=NL44
Jane and Elizabeth are adhering to strict, low-calorie diets even though
they're both dangerously
underweight. Angela and Hank secretly eat huge amounts of food at one
sitting and then make
themselves vomit and spend hours exercising. Evelyn and Fred eat huge
amounts of food and occasionally
try dieting, but mostly just feel guilty and depressed. What do these
six individuals have in
common? They all have some type of eating disorder.
Click
here: Beliefnet: Health and Healing
http://www.beliefnet.com/healthandhealing/getcontent.aspx?cid=33725&WT.mc_id=NL44
General overview -- in depth info and living with eating disorders
Click
here: Top 10 Colon Cancer Prevention Tips - Basics of Colon Cancer Prevention
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1Ck/R0&sdn=weightloss&cdn=health&tm=4&gps=81_146_1178_833&f=0
0&su=p284.5.420.ip_p674.0.400.ip_&tt=13&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//coloncancer.about.
com/od/cancerprevention/a/Colon_Cancer.htm
Colon cancer is one of the most common, and yet preventable, cancers.
To help protect yourself and your
loved ones from the disease, follow these ten colon cancer prevention tips.
Click here: XDR TB is Extensively
Drug Resistant Tuberculosis
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Bsy
Sounds like the latest offer from Microsoft, but XDR TB stands for extensively
drug resistant tuberculosis.
Tuberculosis, unfortunately, is not a disease of the past. XDR TB is currently
threatening people in
South Africa and is also present in Russia and China where access to
healthcare services is poor. The international
humanitarian organization, Doctors Without Borders, known by its acronym in
French, MSF, calls XDR TB one
of the "Top
10 Undereported Humanitarian Stories of 2006. Learn more about tuberculosis
and multi-drug
resistant tuberculosis from About.com guide to lung diseases Stacey Lloyd.
v
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My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One
weekend he cried and fretted
and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the
way home from church, the crying
and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped
the car and explained, "Honey,
it's a law. If you don't go to school, they'll put Mommy in jail.
He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked,
"How long would you have to stay?"
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While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern
California. After chatting
them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When
we told them we were in the
infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told
us how sweet that was.
Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little
confused.
Until, that is, one of the girls said,
"We admire any man who works with infants."
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Two
friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Hey, congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest Office Robot from Japan. Lemme tell you
how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation.
If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not
all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with
her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming...
"Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! Perhaps I should have told him that her ass
is a pencil sharpener!"
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*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
Click
here: CrazyStupidFunny.com - The Web’s Craziest, Funniest &
Stupidiest Videos… » Blog Archive » Stupid People Do Funny T
http://www.crazystupidfunny.com/other-videos/stupid-people-do-funny-things
2. Click
here: CrazyStupidFunny.com - The Web’s Craziest, Funniest &
Stupidiest Videos… » Blog Archive » This Baby Can Laugh, It’
http://www.crazystupidfunny.com/funny/this-baby-can-laugh-its-so-funny
I guarantee you'll laugh while watching this!
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here:
Bill The Chief Funny Videos
http://www.billthechief.com/videopages/v98.html
Bloopers -- silly people doing crazy things!
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One night little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a
noise. He laid there for a second and realized it was coming from his
parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake,
having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what
they were doing.
He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering,
afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?"
The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. "Well,
Johnny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?"
"Yes..." replied little Johnny in a timid voice.
"Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you."
Johnny smiled and said, "Oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure.
The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer
and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms.
The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass
crying.
"What's wrong???" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern.
"Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mommy???"
"Yes..." the Dad replied nervously.
"Well... well... Today... *sniff*... the mailman came over and he ate him!"
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*borrowed from*
shinyhappyhead.com
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during
happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks
is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty,
very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled
half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight
shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going
to get
drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not
like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a
pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the
guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same
thing--urinating, waiting
in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom.
Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It
will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with
four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If
he doesn't play it within half an hour,
do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised
how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the
liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in
beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you
may drink all their beer,
even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked
and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans
before you
start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass
would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through
all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small
talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging
you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50,
you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but
once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender
or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you
are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their
drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If
you break a glass, wait for a staff member
to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
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46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after
she tells
you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy
snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept
it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring
a lot. If you think you are slurring
a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a
fight. There is also
a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at
all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal
any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of
voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for
another, always say yes.
Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well
before
and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right
in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the
scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the
hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and
mothers, your brothers and sisters.
Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the
mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard
drinking. You will appear
mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered
and they're sober. It's akin to a
precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9%
of the time you're
wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you,
you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic,
tequila makes you felonious.
76. The best thing thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed
bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is
going to be a hassle, but . . ."
78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for
a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come
back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're
supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can
ever
give. And make sure there's something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and
a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
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Click here: Vick Indicted
in Dog-Fighting Scandal
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/anr
Despite reports indicating an indictment was not forthcoming, Atlanta
Falcons quarterback
Michael
Vick, whose Surry County (Va.) property has been the focus of a dog-fighting
investigation, was in fact charged Tuesday on multiple counts by a federal grand
jury. And,
although Vick is presumed innocent in the eyes of the law at this point, it
looks as if
this is going to get a lot uglier for the superstar QB before it gets better.
Along with
three others, Vick was charged with conspiracy to travel in interstate commerce
in aid of unlawful
activities and to sponsor a dog in an animal fighting venture. If convicted
on both counts,
each defendant faces up to six years in prison
*submitted by*
STLLRNING7
Click
here: Microsoft Surface Video - Touchscreen, Multi Touch Coffee
Table - Behind the Scenes - Popular Mechanics
http://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/industry/4217348.html
I might have put this link in a previous issue, but it's so amazing, let's look
again!
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
Click here: http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf
http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf
Supercool clock
2. Click here: YouTube
- Bill Malone - Sam the Bellhop
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C96Hc1m7pRU
A most amazing card trick! A must see
*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: auctionPAL
http://www.auctionpal.com/
Did you know that Consignment shops charge over 50% in commisions
An average first time eBay users will spend 6-10 hours total selling there first
item and
between eBay & PayPal they take between 6% & 15% of the profit.
We have no hidden charges at auctionPAL. Our motto is simple: we do most of
the
work and you get most of the cash
Click here: MapMyRide.com - Map your
Cycling and Mountain Biking
Routes. Topo Maps, Elevation Profiles, GPS Support.
http://www.mapmyride.com/
Maybe you’re planning some summer hiking excursions. Or maybe you want to take
up cycling to get in shape.
Where do you begin undertakings like those? With a good map, of course!
You’ll want to plot your course, paying attention to the distance. Then, you
should add places
where you can stop for water or use the restroom.
MapMyRide has you covered. The site uses Google Maps to plot your hiking,
biking or swimming outing. Create your own, or look for a publicly posted route.
MapMyRide has too many features to list. But I would like to draw your
attention to one I’m sure you’ll love. The site works with GPS units, so you
can import or export routes!
*submitted by*
oldwild@yahoo.com
Click here: http://www.peakoilclock.com/images/poc2.swf
http://www.peakoilclock.com/images/poc2.swf
The wealth daily peak oil clock --- Countdown to the END OF OIL
Click here: 6 milliards
d'Autres, 6 billion Others, 6 miliardi di Altri – A Yann Arthus-Bertrand project
http://www.6billionothers.org/index_en.php
If you asked people across the world about their experiences, you’d get a lot
of
different answers.But in addition to the differences between the replies, you’d
find
similarities. You’d find universal values and common lessons learned.Don’t believe
me?
Then visit 6 billion others. You can hear people from 65 different countries
share
their experiences via video interviews. They’re fascinating!Now, there are not
six billion
interviews on the site. That refers to the population of the Earth. But the
project
did conduct a whopping 6,000 interviews. Many are available online now. More
will be
available later.The site requires a lot of bandwidth. So you may encounter some
stuttering in the videos. If that’s the case, just click pause and let more
of the video load.
You will be rewarded for your patience. kkomando.com
Click here: Current
Night Sky
http://www.cfa.harvard.edu/press/skyreport/
Earth is at aphelion - its farthest distance from the Sun (94.5 million miles)
- at 8 PM
EDT on July 6th. At first sight this can seem counter-intuitive to people in
the toasty Northern
Hemisphere, but seasons are caused by the Earth's inclination or tilt, not
by its distance from the Sun.
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly
like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili.
Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain??
Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at
the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called
a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And
by the time grandpa
figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk
into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my
PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want
cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with
broccoli." The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised
the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the
poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!?
They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television
shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's
playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was
a television show in
the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff
you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.?
After I zip up,
some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.
I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
I don't want
to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And
I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available
piece of
flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
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*submitted by*
CHIN3917
"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen.
Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't
like the idea, while others hate it."
Conan O'Brien
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Easter
Bunny
1/2 oz Vodka
1 tsp Cherry Brandy
1 tsp Chocolate Syrup
1 1/2 oz Dark Creme de Cacao
Shake creme de cacao and vodka with ice.
Strain over ice in an old-fashioned glass.
Float chocolate syrup and cherry brandy.
Monte's
Sex Potion
1 oz Lemon Juice
2 oz Cpconut Rum
2 oz Raspberry Liqueur
Pour the Captain Morgan's Parrot Bay coconut rum,
Chambord raspberry liqueur and lemon juice into a cocktail shaker
half-filled with ice cubes. Shake well, strain into a highball
glass almost filled with ice cubes, and serve.
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My 12-year old daughter asked me, "Dad, do you have a baby picture of yourself?
I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what
the
project was. A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting
when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created. The
title of their project was "The oldest thing in my house."
v
v v v v
Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.
"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad
cold or you're pregnant."
"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant -- I don't know anyone
who could have given me a cold."
v
v v v v
Overweight is something that just sort of
snacks up on you.
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
v
v v v v
Q. How is music like your sex life?
A. Three-quarter is swing time, one-quarter is ragtime.
v
v v v v
The
Top 9 Signs You’re at a Party With an EMT
9> "Man, this party is dead. CLEAR!"
8> Bulimic guests are pleased to find stomach-emptying equipment
provided in the bathroom.
7> Party favors? Prefilled 1 mg syringes of epinephrine!
6> Defibrillators come out for a slamming home-made "Dance Dance Revolution."
5> Instead of just trying to get a girl's phone number, he
insists on filling out an entire run sheet.
4> "Crap. Fugu sushi again?"
3> Beer cans on his hat? Heck no -- Johnny Walker drip!
2> He's always the designated driver, and he knows *exactly* how
many drunks he can fit in the back of the ambulance.
and the Number 1 Sign You’re at a Party With an EMT...
1> "All right, who forwarded all these screaming 911 calls to
my house phone?"
v
v v v v
by deb
The
Good Guy
by Dean Koontz
"Timothy Carrier, having a beer after work at his friend’s tavern, enjoys drawing
eccentric customers into
amusing conversations. But the jittery man who sits next to him tonight has
mistaken Tim for
someone very different—and passes to him a manila envelope full of cash.
“Ten thousand now. You get the rest when she’s gone.”
The stranger walks out, leaving a photo of the pretty woman marked for death,
and her address. But
things are about to get worse. In minutes another stranger sits next
to Tim. This one is a cold-blooded
killer who believes Tim is the man who has hired him"
I loved this book! The plot was new to me, easy to read and I couldn't
wait to see what was
going to happen next! This was great!
v
v v v v
Confucius Says....
... it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy
to park meat in girl.
... man who jizz in cash register, come into money.
... man who finger girl having period, caught red handed.
... man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
... man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
... man who go to bed with itchy asshole, wake with stinky finger.
... learn to masturbate, come in handy.
... war not determine who right, war determine who left.
... naked man fear no pickpocket.
... squirrel who run up woman's leg, not find nuts.
v
v v v v
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cinderella sits
crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything
she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2am. Any later, and your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally,
at 5am, Cinderella show up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin
three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other...."
v
v v v v
Set Up Periodic Antivirus Scans
Having your antivirus program scan the entire computer for
viruses is a necessity. Even though most antivirus programs have
an auto-protect feature that should -- theoretically -- prevent
the insertion of a virus onto your computer, it's still a
good idea to scan your computer periodically in the event
something was missed somehow by the automatic protection.
When scheduling periodic scans, choose a day and time when you
know your computer will be running. It's no good to
schedule a scan for Friday night at 10:00 p.m. if your computer
is turned off. If your computer is in standby or hibernation mode
(common battery-saving modes on laptops), your antivirus program
will not wake it up to scan. It's got to be fully awake and
running at the appointed time. On the plus side, your monitor
needn't be on.
One other factor to take into account for your weekly scan: Run
it when your computer is running but when you're not using
it. If you have one of those high-speed Internet connections
(such as cable or DSL), then perhaps you keep your computer on
all the time anyway. If so, then you can just schedule your scan
to take place, say, on Fridays at 1:00 a.m. (or whenever
you're routinely not using the computer).
Prevent cyber attacks with the help of Computer Viruses For
Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/
productCd-0764574183.html?cid=eTipBookLink ],
by Peter Gregory, CISA, CISSP.
Click
here: Will Your Next Airline Ticket Purchase Give Your
Credit Card Info To Phishers? ~ Windows Fanatics
http://www.lockergnome.com/nexus/windows/2005/04/08/will-your-
next-airline-ticket-purchase-give-your-credit-card-info-to-phishers/
A new, and oh-so-simple and deviously obvious scam has hit the Internet.
According
to a report in iAfrica, phishers are now purchasing ads on search engines such
as Google,
offering cheap airline tickets, and then sitting back and waiting for
unsuspecting bargain shoppers to come to them
Click
here: PC World - In Pictures: Warning Signs of an Internet Attack
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,133567/article.html?tk=nl_spxsld
Internet attacks have become a business. And as with any business, the product
must be ever-changing in attempting to entice you. But where a slick legit ad
campaign
might sway you into buying a gadget you don't really need, these social
engineering techniques try to trick you into infecting your computer with malware
you surely don't want. Look through these images of some of the latest tricks
from
malware pushers and phishers so that you can keep your most important
security tool--you--up-to-date. And if you receive any of these messages, be
sure not to click any links in them or follow their instructions.
v
v v v v
"President Bush said today that immigrants that come to America
should learn English. He said, 'Hey, if I was moving to Canada,
I would learn Canadian.'"
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
A group of people here in California are fighting for the right
for women to be able to sunbathe topless in California. The name
of this group... 'guys'
v
v v v v
Click here: Apple Macintosh
OS X Safari - Emptying the Cache in Safari
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3URe
When using the Safari browser to visit web sites, Safari saves the content
of web pages in the cache
for quick access. It is a good idea to empty the cache periodically to
free up space and to
ensure that the latest version of the web page is displayed.
v
v v v v
During
our computer class, the teacher chastised one
boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him.
"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher
tersely replied.
"Okay," he answered, "Do you want to go out with
me Friday night?"
v
v v v v
"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born
under the same sign??
Know what sign? 'For Sale.'"
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
Click
here: Recipe4Living - Spago's Lobster Cobb Salad
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/12205/172/
Recipe4Living
- Applebee's Oriental Chicken Salad
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/2322/172/
Recipe4Living
- The Ultimate Pasta Salad
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/3834/172/
v
v v v v
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely
at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The
neighbor tries to start a conversation several times,
but the older man barely responds. Finally, the
neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those
questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she
was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to
say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
v
v v v v
I'm confused...are you a Depublican or a Republocrat?
v
v v v
Click here: Love Me With
All Your Heart
http://www.marycy.org/allyrheart.html
Click
here: How You Can Date Safely ~ usrbingeek’s musings
http://www.lockergnome.com/nexus/usrbingeek/2007/06/09/how-you-can-date-safety/
Dating? Be safe - and here are suggestions how
v
v v v v
The Top 7 Signs Your Clergyman Doesn't Really Give a Damn
7> He's gotten in the habit of showing up Sundays in his fishing
clothes, turning on a tape of "Veggie Tales", then walking out
with a hearty, "Later, losers!"
6> Before you even start your confession, he suggests five Hail
Whatevers and ten Go Screw Yourselfs
5> He baptizes your child by dipping his head in a bowl of tartar
sauce left over from last night's fish fry.
4> He anoints the congregation with his Holy Super Soaker 5000.
3> "You didn't like today's music? Well then I got your 'church
organ' right here, Granny!"
2> Responds to shocked looks at temple by waving his hands over
his Wendy's Big Bacon Classic and saying "OK, abracadabra...Kosher!"
and the Number 1 Sign Your
Clergyman
Doesn't Really
Give a Damn...
1> This Sunday's Sermon, "Whatever, Douchebags."
v
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*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared
and
said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true
heads of their
household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the
men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of
men who
truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the
Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your
purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
v
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Click
here: Detect hard disk failures before they happen, from O'Reilly Media - Downloads
- TechRepublic
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=34154654-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
One of the most common ways that business users lose data is when a hard disk
goes bad. What IT
pros often don't realize is that there are ways to see if a hard disk
is going to fail before the failure occurs,
which can provide enough time to back up needed data. This sample hack from
O'Reilly's PC Hacks
shows how to use S.M.A.R.T. technology to get notification before potential
failures.
Click
here: PC World - What Is the Best Way to Unstick My Frozen PC?
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,128577/article.html?tk=nl_dmxhow
Is it really frozen, or just very slow? Take a short break, and if everything's
working again when you
get back, clear the cobwebs by clicking Start, Turn Off Computer, Restart
(be patient;
it could still be slow). MORE info at the site!
v
v v v v
NOTE: According to a report, on at least two occasions
NASA has allowed astronauts to fly after flight
surgeons and other astronauts warned they
were so drunk they posed a flight-safety risk.
The
Top 14 Indications an Astronaut Is Drunk
(Part
I)
14> Keeps trying to sneak an ice chest into the payload bay.
13> His Tang has a lime in it and salt on the rim.
12> Too busy doing donuts in the lunar rover to realize that his
oxygen tank is empty.
11> When asked to stand on one foot, he instead elects to stand
on *no* feet.
10> He's under the rocket shouting "Where's the damn fuse?!"
9> Wrapped the lunar rover around a tree. On the *moon*.
8> Breaks down weeping in the middle of his countdown, lamenting
how no one has ever driven cross-country in an adult
diaper for *him*.
7> Pees inside his spacesuit -- after taking it off and hanging it up.
6> He just called a mission control engineer "Sugar Tits."
5> When NASA turns on the video link to the space shuttle, there
he is, floating shirtless and trying to eat a hamburger off
the ceiling.
4> Keeps flipping off Cuba with the shuttle's robotic arm.
3> "Houston... I love you, man!"
2> Wakes up with "EJECT ME" written on his face in black magic marker.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Indication an Astronaut Is Drunk...
1> Gets her hair caught in the suction toilet.
v
v v v v
Berry Good Lemonade
Berry Good Lemonade [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/Dummies
Tip/id-3167,subcat-FOOD.html?cid=articleFeature ]
Lemonade and summer fun go hand in hand. The addition of
blackberry puree gives this old favorite a new twist. Enjoy this
beverage, which is rich in vitamin C, after a leisurely walk on a
warm summer evening with family or friends. More
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/id-3167,subcat-FOOD.html?cid=articleFeature
]
See more from Food & Drink
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/Section/id-100027.html?cid=SeeAll ]
v
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*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click
here: Attention...Hello Friend!
http://www.toilette-humor.com/Daddy.html
2. Click here: My
Little Circle of Friends
http://asandboxgreeting.com/inmycircle.html
3. Click here:
Dazzling Dahlias
http://asandboxgreeting.com/dazzlingdahliasult.html
v
v v v v
"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their
movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote.
I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And another one,
the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'"
Craig Ferguson
v
v v v v
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going
to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
v
v v v v
Guys know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin
the game
v
v v v v
"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a
speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words were,
'Fire...hot...bad!'"
Conan O'Brien
v
v v v v
Click
here: BREAKING: Chrysler announces lifetime powertrain warranty! - Autoblog
http://www.autoblog.com/2007/07/26/breaking-chrysler-announces-lifetime-powertrain-warranty/
Chrysler today leapfrogged every other car maker by extending its powertrain
warranty
on every new car and truck it sells to the life of the vehicle. The warranty
will apply to
the entire powertrain including the engine, transmission/transaxle, drive shafts,
and
axles. The new warranty goes into effect today, July 26, 2007 and applies to
all
new 2007s that are on the dealer lots as well as 2008 models.
The warranty covers all parts and labor as long as the owner brings the car
in to a Chrysler
dealer at least once every five years for a free powertrain inspection.
Click
here: Latest Rollover Stats Show SUVs Roll Most - Cars Least
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=cars&cdn=autos&tm=8&gps=211_266_1193_850&f=00&su=
p284.8.150.ip_&tt=14&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//cars.about.com/od/safetyfacts/a/roll_results.htm
If avoiding a rollover in a highway crash appeals to you, then you'd
better forget about buying
a sport-utility vehicle. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration
has just released its latest
rollover statistics and as a group, sport-utes finished poorly. Cars,
on the other hand did well in the tests.
Click
here: About.com: http://www.alldata.com/consumer/TSB/
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ/Ya&sdn=cars&cdn=autos&tm=7&gps=87_434_1193_850&f=00&su=p
284.8.150.ip_&tt=14&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.alldata.com/consumer/TSB/
Automotive Recalls and Technical Service Bulletins are listed by Year, Make,
Model and Engine Option .
Select a Year, then a Manufacturer, to see a list of Recalls and Technical Service
Bulletins (TSB) for your car or truck.
Click
here: ReviewCars.com - New Car Reviews by Consumers
http://www.ReviewCars.com&client=ca-primedia-basic_js
Consumer reviews!
v
v v v v
It's graduation time in New York City and many of the students
here are honor students.
Yes your honor, no your honor, not guilty your honor
v
v v v v
"To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent.
She can't wait to disprove it."
Cary Grant
v
v v v v
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was
halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot,
when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer
his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right,
the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this
game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that
I've hit my first holy one!"
v
v v v v
Click
here: Welcome to Total Copy official homepage
http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=e5kej6bab.0.d6dhg5bab.usova9bab.157&ts=S0235&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ranvik.net%2Ftotalcopy%2F
TOTAL
COPY. The author of this program says it does a better and faster job than
Windows of copying your
files. It works with Windows 98/2000/NT/XP and is a free download at
http://www.ranvik.net/totalcopy/
Click here: Download Internet
Explorer 7 optimized for Google
http://www.google.com/toolbar/ie7/
INTERNET
EXPLORER 7 OPTIMIZED FOR GOOGLE. If you love IE and you're planning on upgrading
to
IE7 and you love Google, here's a marriage of the two at http://www.google.com/toolbar/ie7/
Click
here: CNET Online Courses: Podcasting 101 - Home Entertainment Tips, Tricks,
and How-tos at CNET.
http://ct.help.cnet.com/clicks?t=36653875-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Learn step by step how to download and organize podcasts. Plus, find
out how to record
and promote your own podcasts for the world to hear.
In this course you will learn:
Find out what hardware and software you’ll need.
Explore the style and presentation skills necessary to produce an interesting
podcast.
Learn the steps involved in recording and editing a podcast.
Understand the technical requirements necessary to publish your podcast.
v
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What is the definition of true male eloquence?
When a guy can describe Dolly Parton without using his hands.
v
v v v v
I discovered that the cheapest way to
neutralize my dog's urine in the yard was
to have him pee in someone else's yard.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Heavens
Gates ~The Twist~ Chubby Checker
http://heavens-gates.com/50s/thetwist.html
Booty
Music
Yahoo Music conducted a poll asking people what song they like to play
while getting freaky.
The Sun reported the story, which comes with a one sentence explanation
from a music psychologist:
One function of music is to seduce.
01. Marvin Gaye – "Sexual Healing"
02. U2 – "With Or Without You"
03. Barry White – "My First My Last My Everything"
04. Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin – "Je T’aime"
05. Chris Isaac – "Wicked Game"
06. Al Green – "Let’s Stay Together"
07. Phyllis Nelson – "Move Closer"
08. INXS – "I Need You Tonight"
09. Madonna – "Justify My Love"
10. Kylie Minogue – "Slow"
11. Justin Timberlake -"Sexyback"
12. Massive Attack - "Teardrop"
13. Portishead - "Glorybox
14. Jimi Hendrix - "Foxy Lady"
15. Goldfrapp - "Number 1"
v
v v v v
BAKED HALIBUT LIMONE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
3 lb Halibut, cut into 6 serving pieces, 3/4 inch thick
Salt and pepper to taste
1 ts Paprika
2 Cloves Garlic, minced
1/4 c Minced fresh parsley
1/2 c Seasoned bread crumbs
2 Lemons, sliced, plus 2 more thinly sliced for garnish
1 tb Butter
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Sprinkle both sides of fish with
salt and pepper and paprika. Place fish in a buttered shallow
baking dish and sprinkle with garlic, parsley and breadcrumbs.
Place lemon slices on fish and add water almost to top of fish.
Bake uncovered 20-30 minutes until fish is firm and crumbs are
golden brown. Remove lemon slices, dot with butter and place
under broiler until browned. Garnish with thin lemon slices.
v
v v v v
The Top 10 Favorite Beers of
Cats
10> Dos Brekkies
9> Missing Nads Bitter
8> Mauster Brau
7> Fostered Lager
6> Heinekitten
5> Neutered Tom Stout
4> Yarnling
3> Mousehead Lager
2> Feleinenkugel
and the Number 1 Favorite Beer of Cats...
1> Bird Light
v
v v v v
Love And Respect
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1159.html
Here!
Not Quite Right
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1160.html
Here!
No Candy
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1161.html
Here!
Sperm Bank Ad
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1162.html
Here!
Wonder...corset...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/162.html
Here
What Really Happened To Dorothy
http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200412/013.htm
Here
The sex was so good...
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1841.html
Here!
Finding Nemo becomes a little harder
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1842.html
Here!
Thigarette?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1843.html
Here!
I've been replaced....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1844.html
Here!
Talk about BIG ambitions!!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1845.html
Here!
v
v v v v
Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
v
v v v v
Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
v
v v v v
©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin'
and Rollin'
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396