Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
TIRED
Are you as tired of Politics as I am -- omg it's ridiculous. Nothing on my favorite TV channels (Fox News and CNN)
except whoi is murdering whose girlfriend or wife and Politics! Even Big Brother is crap this
season - any recommendations for something to watch on TV while I am working on
my newsletter - please?
Have you been recently called a geek, a dork, a NERD? Do you want to be a nerd, geek, or dork? Well, this test is
for you! This highly advanced 'test' will determine once and for all how nerdy you are. Upon completion, you will be given a score
(out of 100) as to just how nerdy you are, plus a nifty little graphic and link that you can share with your friends so look for
this link in the SURIN section!
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
My favorite newsletter!!!!
Sally"
SllAdms
v v v v v
The Top 15 Signs You're Having a Lousy Summer
15> Right after the opening credits of the new Harry Potter movie,
Harry looks out into the audience, curses you by name, and
orders the management escort you from the theater so you can't
enjoy the rest of the movie.
14> Your "character-building" chore for the summer? Potty training your little sister.
13> After waiting in line for days for the new Iphone, you find
this has really set you back in the line for the new Harry Potter book.
12> With all of your schoolmates on vacation or away at camp,
you've had to resort to kicking your own butt.
11> Instead of doing something truly awesome, you're stuck at home reading... well, THIS.
10> Your imaginary friends went to Hawaii for vacation and didn't invite you.
9> You finally got the mechanics of your girls softball league
fast-pitch delivery absolutely perfect, and you've started...umm... "blossoming."
8> You conducted a successful panty raid on the girls' camp,
but nobody told you that you weren't supposed to wear them afterward.
7> Your dad failed to mention that, during your daily "father-son
nature hikes," you'd be carrying his golf clubs.
6> You told your parents you wanted to spend the summer
surrounded by sun and sand, so they shipped you off to
work on a camel ranch in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
5> Two words: opera camp.
4> Your lemonade stand was a huge success with the neighborhood
moms, until your dad found out you used up all of his best vodka.
3> After dozens of six-block sprints, you still haven't learned
that not every white van is an ice cream truck.
2> The only parts of your body not covered by poison ivy are
those covered by poison oak.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Having a Lousy Summer...
1> Thanks to a broken school bell, you've been sitting in
homeroom, waiting to be dismissed -- for two months.
v v v v v
Click here: eBay To Go
http://togo.ebay.com/
eBay is notorious for its unusual auctions. There was the Virgin Mary cheese sandwich. And how about Elvis’ water?
When you see something like this on eBay, you may want to share it with others. Or maybe you’d just like a way to
promote your own auctions.In that case, use eBay To Go. It is a widget that you can put on your Web site or blog.
It allows you to display one or more auctions. You can even display a search.eBay To Go is easy to use. You simply
copy the code and place it on your Web site. I hope you have fun with it, or at least make a little money!
Click here: Flashes of Hope
http://www.flashesofhope.org/flashesofhope/site/default.asp
Flashes of Hope is a non-profit organization dedicated to creating uplifting portraits of children fighting
cancer and other life threatening illnesses. The portraits, taken by award-winning photographers, help children
feel better about their changing appearance by celebrating it. For families of terminally ill children, it's especially important
to have a portrait that preserves forever the beauty, grace and dignity of their child.
Click here: Divorce, Child Custody, Child Support, Marriage, Adoption - FindLaw Family Law Center
http://family.findlaw.com/
Family law is something that most of us don’t like to think about. Divorce and child support aren’t fun topics.
But most of us need to consider it at some point. Family law isn’t just about divorce, after all.
Maybe you want to adopt a child. Or maybe you and your partner are thinking about marriage. You’d be well advised to study the legal issues.
You’ll find a wealth of information on family law at FindLaw. You can read through the articles – they’re listed
by topic. If you need more help, you’ll find links to state laws and even forms.
Click here: Free Movies & Documentaries - (incl. public domain)
http://www.jonhs.net/freemovies/
100% handpicked content chosen to inform, shock and entertain you.
None of the online streaming media is hosted on this site. All videos are embedded from Google Video, YouTube
or the like. Furthermore, none of the featured media has been uploaded by the owner of this site. (read the disclaimer)
Many of the old movies are indeed in public domain. Note that the newer movies, documentaries and tv-shows are probably
not in public domain, they are just freely available on the net for some unknown reason. Material will be removed
upon request of the respective copyright holders. Read the FAQ.
*submitted by*
STLLRNING7
Click here: http://beboframe.com/FlashFrame.jsp?Size=S&FlashBoxId=3309347442
http://beboframe.com/FlashFrame.jsp?Size=S&FlashBoxId=3309347442
Appreciate the beauty of a horse -- and dressage? This is a WOW!
Click here: shiny happy HEAD :: 7 reasons ::
http://www.shinyhappyhead.com/7reasons.htm
O U C H !!
Click here: NerdTests.com Fun Tests - Nerd Quiz
http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=7nt8y6bab.0.cyqs94bab.usova9bab.157&ts=S0254&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nerdtests.com%2Fft_nq.php
Have you been recently called a geek, a dork, a NERD? Do you want to be a nerd, geek, or dork? Well, this test is for
you! This highly advanced 'test' will determine once and for all how nerdy you are. Upon completion, you will be given a
score (out of 100) as to just how nerdy you are, plus a nifty little graphic and link that you can share with your
friends (if you have any) so they can see how they measure up!
Click here: Gliffy.com - Create and share diagrams online.
http://www.gliffy.com/
GLIFFY at http://www.gliffy.com/ adds diagramming to your Web browser without downloading software.
It creates many kinds of diagrams such as flowcharts, UI wireframes, floor plans, network
diagrams, UML diagrams, and other simple drawings as well.
Click here: Contactify: It's email. Without the address.
http://contactify.com/
I don’t need to tell you that spam is a real problem. You get enough of it to realize that it is completely out of control.
There is no sure way to cut down on spam. However, we can certainly take precautions.
For example, you shouldn’t post your e-mail address online. A better solution is to use a
contact form. Of course, this is difficult if you don’t have a Web site.
Well, Contactify has a solution for you. It will create an e-mail form for you. Just give out the Web address.
The messages will be delivered to your inbox. And spammers won’t have the time to use it! kkomando.com
v v v v v
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
v v v v v
BAKED TANDOORI CHICKEN
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 cup fat free yogurt
1 small onion, coarsely chopped
4 garlic cloves
1 1/2 piece ginger root, peeled and coarsely chopped
2 tsp. ground coriander
1 tsp. ground cumin
1/2 tsp. ground turmeric
1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ground clove
1/4 tsp. ground mace
1/4 tsp. grated nutmeg
2 Tbsp. canola oil
Juice of 1/2 lemon (2 to 3 Tbsp.)
2 whole chicken breasts, split and skinned
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In blender or food processor,
combine yogurt, onion, garlic and ginger; puree. Add
coriander, cumin, turmeric, cinnamon, cloves, mace, nutmeg,
oil and lemon juice; blend.
Cut 2 slits in each piece of chicken, slashing it along the
grain to make slit 2 to 3 inches long and almost but not
completely into bone. Place chicken in plastic bag or a
glass, stainless steel or plastic container large enough to
hold the pieces in one layer. Pour yogurt mixture over the
chicken and rub to be sure it coats the meat on all sides.
Marinate chicken in refrigerator one hour to overnight.
Arrange chicken in one layer in shallow baking dish. Bake
until juices run clear when breast is pierced with knife at
its thickest point and no pink shows in center, 35 to 45
minutes, depending on the size of breasts. Serve, accompanied
by cooked basmati rice and a green salad.
Options:Let the chicken cool and use to make an Indian
chicken salad, with green peas, mango, scallions and cooked
rice in a yogurt dressing with chutney.
Cooking for Two: Halve the recipe, or use the leftover
chicken to make a salad or soup.
Yield: 4 servings, 258 calories and 10 grams of fat each
v v v v v
v v v v v
THINGS PRISON GUARDS HATE !
* Inmates who don't flush after eating Chili for lunch.
* Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them
was 100% steroids.
* Coming up with two too many after a head count.
* Having to break up a gang bang in the shower.
* Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie
the knot.
* Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
* The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than
you do at home.
* Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks
wa-a-a-y to familiar.
* Being on a first name basis with a serial sex killer.
* Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body
cavity search.
v v v v v
"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny.
"I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled.
"You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson,
Johnny, where is the French border?"
"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."
v v v v v
Gladiator
1/4 oz Sambuca Ramano
3/4 oz Bombay Gin
1/2 oz Campari
Ice
(chill) up
Redneck Martini
4 oz Vodka
1 wedge of lime
7 up to fill the glass
Get drunk my friend
v v v v v
Back when Prince Andrew first became engaged to Fergie, he spoke
to his father, "Fergie assures me she is a virgin. How will I
know if she is?"
"It's simple, son" replied Prince Phillip. "On your honeymoon
night, when you get into bed, if she's clumsy, nervous, makes
mistakes and is not sure what to do, then you can be fairly sure
she's a virgin. But if she gives you instructions and tells you
what to do, you'll know she's a lying slut who's slept around."
After the honeymoon, Phillip asked, "How was it son?'
"Just great, Father" said Andrew. "It was just the way you
said... and no doubt about it - she's definitely a virgin."
"Was she nervous, son?" asked Phillip.
"She sure was Father" Andrew replied. "In fact she was so nervous
and confused that when we jumped into bed, instead of putting the
pillow under her head, she was in such a state she jammed it under
her ass."
v v v v v
There was a Fundamentalist minister in Texas. Over the years, he had become very attracted
to his choir director. He wanted to "drill for oil" so badly!
One night, she was there after the choir rehersal, and the minister put forth the proposition
to the lovely lady. After blushing, she replied, "Where?"
"On the floor," the minister suggested.
She asked him, "Don't you think the floor would be too cold for that kind of activity?? How bout standing up?"
The minister looked at her, drew his head back, and said, "Good Lord, woman! Have you taken leave of your senses?"
"No..." she commented, "I don't think so. Why?"
"If somebody came here and saw us standing up, moving like that, they would think we were DANCING!
v v v v v
by deb
The Resemblance
by Randall Arnold
"Jim Greyson is the last of a rich, pretigous line. He lives in a Delphi mansion in rural
Georgia near a town named for his family with an old black brother and sister couple, the
only "family" he has had since his grandfather died. Jim loves the forest and knows every
inch of his vast acreage. He also loves reading and updating his family journals, books kept
for generations that document everything from love to angels to deer hunting. When falls in love
with Mary from Atlanta, his world gets turned upside down when his solitary life meets
fancy restaurants, cell phones, movies and zoos. Mary's son, also named Jim,
has had a problem with alcohol since the death of his own father. Could a city
woman find happiness with the man of her dreams far away from her urban pleasures?
And somewhere in that simple country life of Delphi, could there be hope for
her son?"
This book was recommended to me - even though I have literally stacks and stacks of
other books waiting, I ordered this and read it. I simply couldn't relate to any of it.
Books and movies can be pretty far-fetched at times but this one kind of crossed
the line for me. I couldn't relate to someone who knows absolutely nothing about the
world. I also found that something like alcohol addiction was mentioned and then
kind of 'glossed over'. There was no delving into addiction and the severe consequences
it can have on a person's life. It goes into depth about certain things that are inconsequential
in my opinion of course! .
v v v v v
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty
during the week, that her mother decided to give her the
worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to
the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
Then, when the day came, her monther felt she had been too
harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl
she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one
of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the
picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already
prayed for rain!"
v v v v v
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits
down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
v v v v v
Hear about the terrible thing that happened to Henry?"
one man in the country club locker room asked his partner.
"What?"
"He had a great round on Thursday, finished early, showered,
drove home, found his wife in bed with another man, and shot
them both!"
"Could have been worse."
"What do you mean?"
"If he'd finished early on Wednesday, he would have shot me!
v v v v v
What Are Web Beacons and Can They Hurt Me?
Web beacons are clear, 1 pixel x 1 pixel images that are placed
in the HTML (or Internet page code) for individual pages. Web
beacons, like cookies, are used mainly for collecting marketing
information. They track the traffic patterns of users from one
page to another.
Web beacons are sneaky little things. They're invisible as
cookies, but they're incorporated into Web pages without your
knowing. Turning off cookies won't disable them. However, Web
beacons are not as ominous as they might seem because the
information collected is not personally identifiable.
Find out what you need when you need it with The Internet
Gigabook For Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/
productCd-0764574159.html?cid=etipBookLink ].
v v v v v
Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt and says , "my God, Aunt Edna
why are you so damn ugly?"
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt is so damn ugly!"
"Because she is," said Little Johnny.
His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her,
right now! I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!"
Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt
and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so damn ugly."
v v v v v
How did the Pollack teach his kid to put on his underwear?
Brown spots in the back..Yellow spots in the front
v v v v v
Little Pauly comes home with a note from the teacher
and shows it to his mother. The note reads:
"Pauly is an intelligent little boy but spends too
much time with girls."
The following day Pauly goes to school with a note from
his mother to the teacher that reads,
"If you find a solution, please let me know. I have the
same problem with his father."
v v v v v
v v v v v
MOTHERS FROM HISTORY
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you
still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff
off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report
card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't
you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to
school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't
you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented
the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to
go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
v v v v v
Do you know why lesbians can't diet and wear make-up at
the same time?
They can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
v v v v v
Click here: Cookbook:Table of Contents - Wikibooks, collection of open-content textbooks
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Cookbook
A collection of recipes from around the world
Click here: Martha Stewart - Honey-Saffron Panna Cottas
http://www.marthastewart.com/portal/site/mslo/menuitem.fc77a0dbc44dd1611e3bf410b5900aa0
/?vgnextoid=b50be788eba71110VgnVCM1000003d370a0aRCRD&vgnextfmt=default
Panna cotta, which has a luxurious silken texture, traditionally hails from Italy, but our version is decidedly Middle
Eastern. Heady saffron imparts a sunny color; toasted almonds, honey, and lemon zest round out the exotic flavor.
Serve with a drizzle of honey and you're sure to draw a few friendly bees. Ours are made of both cocoa and
spice cookie doughs, striped with yellow icing, and given a bit of sparkle with sanding sugar.
Click here: Martha Stewart - Pink Meringue Drops
http://www.marthastewart.com/portal/site/mslo/menuitem.fc77a0dbc44dd1611e3bf410b590
0aa0/?vgnextoid=fb5f1a55b890f010VgnVCM1000003d370a0aRCRD&rsc=also_try
How pretty!
v v v v v
The Seven Ages of Man Are
spills - drills - thrills - bills
ills - pills and wills.
v v v v v
The Top 7 Differences if Life Was Measured in Dog Years
7> The "Terrible Twos" encompass both potty training and zits.
6> Christmas Day would also be New Year's Eve. Talk about a party!
5> Social Security fund runs dry in 4 minutes.
4> Pre-schools now required to have liquor licenses.
3> Superbowl half-time would actually make the cost of admission
to the game worth it.
2> When you can say you lost your virginity at age 6, it sounds
creepy in a totally different way.
and the Number 1 Difference if
Life Was Measured in Dog Years...
1> You'll have one foot in the grave before you can see an
R-rated movie.
v v v v v
Click here: » For security, you can’t beat Mac OS X | Hardware 2.0 | ZDNet.com
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=34826014-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
For security - you can't beat Mac OS X
v v v v v
Q: How can you tell when you're getting old?
A: When you've been with a woman all night and the only thing
that comes is daylight.
v v v v v
"I just hope it's not Alzheimer's," confessed the
gentleman to his doctor.
"Maybe there's some kind of memory medicine you
can give me. See, I'm getting terribly forgetful;
I lose track of where I'm going or what I'm supposed
to do when I get there. What should I do?" he asked glumly.
"Pay me in advance," the doctor promptly suggested.
v v v v v
Little Nancy wailed over her doll, crushed by car tires when
her mother had backed over it. Finally, her mother had heard
enough, "Don't come crying to me. I told you not to leave it
on the porch!"
Click here: Rabbits as Pets - House Rabbit Care Guide
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DR6
Rabbits are growing in popularity as house pets. Social as well as active and playful,
they have the potential to be wonderful pets for the prepared owner.
Click here: Spring Horse Care Tips
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DRA
It's definitely not all common sense things - check out how to make the
transition from cold to warm weather for your horse - for next year LOL
Click here: Can I Feed My Bird "People Food"?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DRB
The answer to this question is an enthusiastic "YES"! Not only do most birds absolutely love sharing
dinner with their human flock, fresh foods offer unsurpassed variety and nutrition as compared to commercial bird diets.
Unlike cats, dogs, and other pets, "human" food is actually good for pet birds, when prepared and fed correctly. In order
to safely and successfully add fresh foods to your bird's diet, however, it's important to remember a few guidelines:
v v v v v
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...
as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
v v v v v
When I was working in the Piggly Wiggly all those years ago,
I noticed the sexy little blonde who dashed into the store to
pick up a few items.
She marched right to my "Express Lane". I was on the phone
doing a price check.
In a huff, blondie said, "Excuse me, I'm in a hurry. Could you
check me out?"
Without missing a beat, I looked her up and down, and said,
"Hmmm. Not bad. A little light on the top but...;
Do I get you as a prize for doing such a quick job?"
v v v v v
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of
friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband
when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed
in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the
bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
v v v v v
10 New Uses for Vinegar
James Baigrie
“Vinegar is a strong preservative because its acetic acid kills the microbes and bacteria that could cause food to spoil,”
says Michael Doyle, director of the Center for Food Safety at the University of Georgia, in Griffin. “It’s also a good
deodorizer — the acid neutralizes basic compounds, such as those found in degrading
meat, that can be volatile and unpleasant.”
Use White Vinegar to:
1. Pinch-hit for lemon in a savory recipe. Use 1/2 teaspoon of vinegar in place of 1 teaspoon of lemon juice.
2. Remove coffee or tea stains from the bottom of a cup. Swish 2 tablespoons of vinegar around in the cup, then wash as usual.
3. Treat oily hair. Vinegar is a good degreaser for oily hair because it helps adjust pH levels.
Shampoo your hair as usual, rinse, then pour 1/4 cup over it and rinse again.
4. Wipe salt stains off boots. Dip a cloth or an old T-shirt into vinegar, then wipe away the white residue.
5. Make wool sweaters fluffier. Drop in a couple of capfuls of vinegar during the rinse cycle for an extra-soft feel.
6. Deodorize a garbage disposal. Make vinegar ice cubes and feed them down the
disposal. After grinding, run cold water through the drain.
7. Clean a teakettle or a coffeemaker. Boil a mixture of water and vinegar in a teakettle, then wipe away the grime.
Fill the reservoir of a coffeemaker with a mixture of vinegar and water and run it through a brewing
cycle. Follow this with several cycles of water to rinse thoroughly.
8. Clean a dishwasher. Once a month, with the machine empty, run a cup of vinegar through an
entire cycle to reduce soap buildup on the inner mechanisms and glassware.
9. Remove stubborn price tags or stickers. Paint them with several coats of vinegar,
let the liquid soak in for five minutes, then wipe away the residue.
10. Kill weeds between cracks in paving stones and sidewalks. Fill a spray bottle with straight vinegar
and spray multiple times. (Be careful not to get any on the surrounding grass, as it will kill that too.)
v v v v v
The Top 9 Consequences When Parents Oversleep
9> A toilet seat and some super-glue lead to an odd trip to the
Emergency Room.
8> Your clothes look like they were pressed with a hot brick.
7> Candy for breakfast!
6> ***No data available, as this has never happened in my household***
5> You get breakfast in bed... and on the floor... and in the
ceiling fan... and on the dog...
4> Car rides to school fall just short of the speed of sound.
3> The note on the kitchen table from your six-year-old reads,
"Go ahead and sleep in; I'll drive myself to school."
2> The kitchen has been repainted… grape.
and the Number 1 Consequence When Parents Oversleep...
1> Yes, diapers can actually explode.
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks
into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher
turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.
Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks
him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother
have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No Sir, I haven't. The preacher, shocked at
the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer
this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you
found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "Nope, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk
in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30
seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls
him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God,
have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
v v v v v
Tackling Powdery Mildew in the Garden
Powdery mildew is a grayish white, powdery fungus that infects
new leaves and flower buds, causing them to become distorted and
crinkled-looking. Unlike most other fungal diseases, powdery
mildew spreads on dry foliage. Many gardeners prevent the spread
of powdery mildew by watering overhead or sprinkling down each
day late in the afternoon, thus washing the spores off the leaves
before they can establish themselves. Other preventive measures
include planting resistant varieties, planting in full sun, and
pruning to encourage air circulation. Effective preventive sprays
include antitranspirants and neem oil (a botanical insecticide).
Triforine is one of several traditional chemical fungicides used
to control powdery mildew.
Baking soda (sodium bicarbonate) is a popular powdery mildew
remedy. Mix 1 rounded tablespoon of baking soda with 1 tablespoon
of summer oil (a type of horticultural oil) in a gallon of water.
Apply weekly to well-watered plants. Avoid damaging leaves by
applying in the early morning, and don't spray if the temperature
is above 85 degrees F.
v v v v v
The State Department escort was giving the newly arrived Asian
diplomat a thorough tour of Washington nightlife. After watching a
group of young couples in a discotheque, the escort said, "I don't
imagine you've ever seen anything quite like this in your country. Do
you know what they're doing?"
Yes, but why are they doing it standing up?
v v v v v
Q. Why was Snow White kicked out of Disney Land?
A. She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face and saying 'Lie you bastard, lie!'
Q. What's red and has seven dents in it?
A. Snow White's cherry.
Q. Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are dead?
A. All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...
Q. What do you get when a Unicorn is runover by a Mac truck?
A. "Creamed" corn.
Q. What do you call the best student at Unicorn school?
A. The "A"corn.
Q. What do Unicorns call their father?
A. "Pop" corn.
Q. What do Unicorns use for money?
A. Corn "Bread."
Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."
Q. What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh".
A. Conan the Librarian.
Q How did Capt. Hook die?
A. Jock itch!
Q. Have you heard of the 'Divorce Barbie'?
A. She comes with all of Kens stuff...
Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman?
A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda fucked her til
12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.
Q. Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died?
A. Somebody put his batteries in backward, and he kept coming, and
coming, and coming...........
Q. What did pinochio say to his girlfriend????
A. Sit on my face and i'll tell you some lies..!!...
Q. Do you know how they make baby smurfs?
A. They smuck.
Q. What is "smore play"?
A. It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!!
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him.
Q. What part of Popeye doesn't rust?
A. The part he dips in Olive Oyl.
Q. What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand?
A. Kermit's undivided attention!
Q. What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?
A. "Hog wash!"
Q. What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her?
A. "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat."
v v v v v
Click here: Safe Mode - How to Boot to Windows XP Safe Mode
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3RVe
Starting your computer in Windows XP Safe Mode can help you diagnose and solve
many serious problems, especially when starting normally is not possible.
To begin entering Windows XP Safe Mode, turn your PC on or restart it.
Just before the Windows XP splash screen shown above appears, press the F8
key to enter the Windows Advanced Options Menu.
v v v v v
s i l l i e s
MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn.
MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of
spaghetti without it touching the sides.
MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.
MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.
NONDESCRIPT: A television play.
ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.
ORGY: Grope therapy.
PARENTS: Couples who practise the Rhythm Method.
PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.
PIMP: Nookie Bookie.
PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.
PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.
PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn.
RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.
RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.
REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to.
SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions.
SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother.
SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.
SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.
SONATA: A song sung by Frank.
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.
TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.
TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a
projection without objection.
VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse.
VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy.
VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.
VIRGIN: A girl who won't take in what a guy takes out.
VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.
VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian.
WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.
WET DREAM: A snorgasm.
ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm.
CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.
DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.
GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.
LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers.
MASTURBATION: I-balling.
SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation.
v v v v v
v v v v v
Two women were discussing their sex lives, when one asked: "Do you know
where I can get six black hens?"
The other looked bemused and replied: "Six black hens! why do you want
six black hens?
Her friend replied: "Because my husband's got a dead cock and I want to
use them as pall bearers!"
v v v v v
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal asked.
"Waiting for me to get home"
v v v v v
Click here: Sugar Facts that May Surprise You - AOL Diet & Fitness
http://diets.aol.com/dietbasics/sugar-facts
Facts about sugar
*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
Click here: LEARN CPR - CPR information and training resources.
http://depts.washington.edu/learncpr/
Learn CPR is a free public service supported by the University of Washington School of Medicine. Learn
the basics of CPR - cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Updated with new CPR Guidelines issued by the
American Heart Association and published in Circulation, Dec 13 2005.
Click here: Do I have a Mental Disorder?
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/3LV9
Have you ever wondered if you have a mental disorder? Most of have considered this question at one time or
another. A good question to ask yourself is Are my problems or symptoms getting in the way in my life?
If they are, then it's a good idea to seek help. You may or may not have a diagnosable mental disorder,
but getting professional help will help you get your life back under control. In the DSM-IV - the official listing
of mental disorders in the U.S. - this concept of a problem "getting in the way" is usually addressed with
words such as "the disturbance is sufficiently severe to to cause clinically significant distress or
impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning."
Click here: Video - Getting a Colonoscopy - A Colonoscopy Procedure
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5By2
Colonoscopy is a crucial test for the detection and prevention of certain cancers. While the process
may seem scary it is actually a lot easier than you might think. Learn what to expect
and who should be scheduling their appointments
v v v v v
HOMEMADE SOFT PRETZELS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 package active dry yeast
1 cup water
1 tablespoon margarine
1 tablespoon water
1 egg yolk; beaten
Coarse salt for topping
DIRECTIONS:
Mix 1 cup flour, sugar, salt and undissolved yeast. Heat
1 cup water and margarine to 120 to 130 degrees. Gradually
add to dry ingredients; beat 2 minutes at medium speed of
mixer. Add 1/2 cup flour. Beat at high speed 2 minutes.
Stir in enough additional flour to make a soft dough. On
floured board, knead 5 minutes. Set in greased bowl; turn
to grease top. Cover and let rise in warm, draft-free place
40 minutes. Divide dough into 12 equal pieces. Roll each
into a 20-inch rope. Shape into pretzels or other shapes.
Place on greased baking sheets. Cover; let rest 5 minutes.
Mix egg yolk and 1 tablespoon water; brush on pretzels.
Sprinkle with coarse salt. Bake at 375 degrees 15 minutes
or until done. Cool on racks.
v v v v v
The Top 14 Signs Your Pet Is Addicted to the Internet
14> Your "cookies" folder is almost empty, but there are countless
files in "treats."
13> There are a lot more tongue marks on the monitor than the ones
*you've* left.
12> The desktop wallpaper is now a close-up of Paris Hilton.
Specifically, her right leg.
11> Run the can opener; nothing.
Say, "Badger! Badger! Badger!"; Mittens runs to you like
a cheetah on crack.
10> Well, *somebody* has been using your computer to visit
MySpays.com.
9> The computer's motherboard just whelped a litter.
8> The cat dies of Corrupted Blood Plague.
7> Rover refuses to catch anything but AOL installation CDs.
6> No matter how often you update your Netflix queue, they
always send you another batch of Lassie episodes.
5> The canary will only fly in wi-fi enabled airspace.
4> "Hello, Mr. Fluffy. I am writing to you in the confidential
strictness to ask you assistance in gratefully retrieving
my families estate in Nigeria."
3> Your female iguana's eyes are always bloodshot and your
browser history shows thousands of visits to GEICO.
2> Your goldfish IMs you to change the damn tank filter.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign
Your Pet Is Addicted to the Internet...
1> He keeps looking in the mirror and squawking, "L33ty Bird!" "L33ty Bird!"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Check
http://www.madmanjokes.com/Songs/Check.html
A funny prank phone call that I bet you'll laugh over!
Click here: Monkey Business Video
http://jack.zunino.net/monkeysniff.htm
This little video has made it's rounds a few times but I chuckle every time I see it!
v v v v v
The night started with hot sexual talk,
As they screwed they lost track of the clock.
Throughout the next day,
They continued to play,
Until neither were able to walk!
v v v v v
The Top 12 Stupid FDA Warning Labels
12 Cell phones: "Phone should always be in the off position
before being lodged up your ass by the angry motorist you
just rear-ended."
11 Jaegermeister: "What can you possibly be thinking?"
10 Viagra: "Just remember, chump, you're STILL fat, bald and ugly!"
9 The Clapper: "Use of this product near a construction site
is not recommended."
8 Pineapple: "Not to be inserted rectally.
No, seriously -- it's not a good idea."
7 Rogaine: "Excessive use may result in a career as a
boxing promoter."
6 Zima: "Merely holding this bottle is obliterating your
already-remote prospects of getting laid."
5 Raquel Welch: "Contents may have settled."
4 Windows98: "May cause unpredictable behavior and loss
or corruption of <mailto:d$@@NQ>d$@@<mailto:d$@@NQ>NQ t!"z +~]]J; FATALEX&~d"
3 Whitman Sampler: "Caution - you never know what you're gonna git."
2 El Presidente Cigars: "Should only be enjoyed orally."
1 Prozac: "Whatever"
v v v v v
