Rockin' and Rollin'

Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet

You betcha!

Do I appreciate my subscribers? You bet I do!

Need FREE tech support? Yep -- learn all about it in the SURFIN section!

Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!

"Hi Deb,
Deb, Deb, Deb,
You sure have the worst luck hanging onto things. I see you lost your mailing list again. Hmmmmm......
Do I really want to sign up again? You bet I do. I look forward to the newsletter every week. I have found some
very helpful hints in some of the letters. Also I have found other interesting items in there.
What can I say? Would you please add me again?
Fred"

FCUEBALL

v v v v v

*submitted by*
STLLRNING7

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog
and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines
start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins
to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly
and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work she
discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had
seen him that night but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a
stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly.

Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?"

Then the boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?"

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
* * Click here: You are an idiot! * *
http://piv.pivpiv.dk/
The Democratic National Committee is polling Americans through
the Internet to determine the electability of Hillary Clinton for the
presidency of the United States in 2008.

Click here: So long, Mike Nifong - Editorial
http://media.www.dukechronicle.com/media/storage/paper884/news/2007/06/21/
Editorial/So.Long.Mike.Nifong-2917420.shtml?reffeature=popuarstoriestab
The honorable Judge Orlando Hudson effectively booted former Durham District Attorney Mike Nifong from his
office this past Tuesday after learning that the embattled DA intended to stay on for another month before stepping down.
"We took his keys and his badge that gave him access to the building," Durham County Sheriff Worth Hill told The
Associated Press. "We'll make arrangements to help him get his personal belongings later." Good riddance!!

Click here: Memo To Me - Free Reminder Service
http://www.memotome.com/
Memo to Me is the Internet's #1 reminder service. Join today and never miss a birthday,
anniversary, or appointment again! Best of all, it's FREE!

*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
Click here: Free Tech support
http://techsupport06.blogspot.com/
Welcome to Free Tech Support...Imaging you have a computer related problem and need help resolving it..
. Would it be great to have someone to help you solve the problem. Free Tech Support is right by your side no matter where you are.
A Free Tech Support agent is able to remotely help you fix the problem while you watch. Begin by submiting your computer
related question including the "Name and Model" of your scanner, copier, computer or laptop. For remote service you
will be ask to allow a connection per Microsoft Remote Connection by sending a e-mail from you computer or laptop.
Sometimes the Free Tech support agent can help you just by responding to your e-mail, but some problems are more complicated
so the Free Tech Support may ask you to share your desktop connection and take
care of your computer related problem.

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Click here: pdcomedy.com, Public Domain Comedy Video. Free movies, free television and free cartoons to download
http://www.pdcomedy.com/
At PD Comedy, short for Public Domain Comedy, you can view video clips of
classic television. From cartoons featuring Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and
others, to shows like The Lucy Show, Dick Van Dyke, The Beverly Hillbillies.
There's also Laurel and Hardy, The Three Stooges, Buster Keaton, Charlie
Chaplin, Harold Lloyd and more. Right now they're featuring Christmas themed
clips, but plenty of other material is available too.

2. Click here: 9 to 5 Paintings
http://ni9e.com/9to5paintings.php
Create art while you work! If you find yourself spending more and more time answering email,
and less and less time making art then why not do them both at the same time? Turn your emails,
internet browsing, and report writing into digital paintings. 9 to 5 paintings are a visual
representation of your daily computing routines.

Click here: IVR Hacks: Shortcuts for company IVR systems, IVR services and Call Centers
http://ivrhacks.com/
Anyone who has had to navigate the maze of a company IVR system with it’s “Press 1 for blah,
2 for blah blah and 3 for blah blah” instructions will share our yearning for the past when phones were
answered by humans — real humans rather than one of these IVR services or software for call centers.
IVR hacks is a database of shortcuts that you can use to exit their IVR system as soon as possible and
reach a human being. It may end up be a worker in an outsourced
call center but, hey, it's a human being!

Click here: Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate?
http://yellowpieplate.umn.edu/indexB.html
Welcome! Everyone has personal belongings such as wedding photographs, a baseball glove
or a yellow pie plate that contain meaning for them and for other family members. Planning to pass
on such items can be challenging, and may lead to family conflict. This web site provides people with practical
information about the inheritance of personal property. Our goal is improving family
decision making through education and research.

Click here: How to do the "cars" Photoshop - Member's Car Gallery - NASIOC
http://forums.nasioc.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1151725
Maybe you remember the movie Cars that came out last summer. Like all Pixar movies, the animation was incredible.
My son Ian loves cars. I’ve seen the movie countless times with him. I’m sure anyone with children can understand this.
So when I found today’s Cool Site, I knew that Ian would love it. It is a forum that shows you how to turn a picture of your car
into a character from Cars. You’ll need a photo-editing program to do the animation. If you don’t have one, I have
links to free programs on my site. Have fun! kkomando.com

v v v v v

TASTY TURTLE BROWNIES

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
4 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped
1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, chopped
1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 large eggs
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

SECOND INGREDIENTS: For caramel-pecan layer
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup light corn syrup
3 tablespoons water
1/3 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups pecans (6 ounces)

* For garnish if desired: 1 ounce semisweet chocolate

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Add butter and flour a 9-inch
square baking pan, tap off and discard the excess flour.

Make brownie layer:
In a heavy 1 1/2-quart saucepan melt chocolate and butter over low heat, stirring, until smooth and remove pan from
heat. Cool mixture to lukewarm and stir in brown sugar and vanilla. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating well with a wooden
spoon until mixture is glossy and smooth. In a bowl sift together flour, baking powder, and salt and add to
chocolate mixture, beating just until batter is combined well. Spread batter evenly in pan and bake in middle of
oven 30 to 35 minutes, or until a tester comes out clean. Cool brownie layer completely in pan on a rack.

Make caramel-pecan layer:
In a heavy 3-quart saucepan bring sugar, corn syrup, water, and a pinch salt to a boil over moderate heat, stirring
until sugar is dissolved, and boil mixture, without stirring, until it turns a golden caramel. Remove pan
from heat and carefully add cream and vanilla (mixture will bubble up and steam). Stir in pecans and quickly pour
mixture over brownie layer, spreading evenly. Cool brownies completely in pan on a rack.

For Garnish:
In a double boiler or metal bowl set over a saucepan of barely simmering water melt chocolate, stirring, until
smooth and remove top of double boiler or bowl from heat. Transfer chocolate to a small sealable plastic bag.
Squeeze chocolate into one corner of bag and with a sharp knife cut a tiny slice off corner to form a small hole.
Squeeze chocolate decoratively over brownies.

Chill brownies, loosely covered, until caramel is firm, at least 4 hours. Cut chilled brownies into 16 squares and
remove from pan while still cold. Let brownies come to room temperature before eating. Brownies keep, covered
and chilled in one layer, 5 days.

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

Two Arkansas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says,
"You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community
college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs
him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house"

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer"

v v v v v

Spit or Swallow
1oz of Baileys Irish cream
and 1/2oz of lemon juice
Baileys first then the lemon
Sit back and watch if they spit or swallow

Southern Hurricane
1oz Southern Comfort
1oz Grenadine
2/3 lemon-lime (sprite or 7up)

v v v v v

Jailer Reports Marked Improvement in Hilton's Appearance;
   "Fattened Up to Just Skin and Bones"

v v v v v

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

v v v v v

v v v v v

The Pope is taking a shower. Although he is very strict about the
celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right
wrist, and this is one of these occasions. Just as he reaches the Papal

climax he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying
through the air.

"Hold on a minute," says the Pope, "you can't do that.
You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer.
"I'll be financially secure for life."

So the Pope offers to buy the camera of the photographer,
and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of
two million dollars. The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off
with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars" replies the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper,
"They must have seen you coming!"

v v v v v

A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she got off the
hospital bed, slapped her husband and shouted,
"I told you not to do it doggy style!"

v v v v v

Click here: This Year You Write Your Novel by Walter Mosley
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aTw
No more excuses. "Let the lawn get shaggy and the paint peel from the walls," bestselling novelist Walter
Mosley advises. Anyone can write a novel now, and in this essential book of tips, practical advice, and wisdom,
Walter Mosley promises that the writer-in-waiting can finish it in one year. Intended as both inspiration and instruction,
the book provides the tools to turn out a first draft painlessly and then revise it into something finer.

Click here: A Poet's Ideal Library: Classic Essays on Poetry and Poetics
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aTz
Classic essays on poetry and poetics, suggested by the poets of the NewPoetry email discussion list in
response to Jim Finnegan’s question: “If you were to stock a poet’s personal library, filling it with the essential
and odd books a poet should own or have ready access to, what titles would be in it?”

v v v v v

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"

Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife : "Yes and no."

v v v v v

Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and
brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the
other night.

"Bubba," Ma said, "you can't get married yet. Why, you're the baby
of the family."

"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I had my 38th birthday jest last week."

"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed in. "But your Ma and me think
you should put off getting married until after you graduate from High School."

v v v v v

..Continued from last week

What other steps can you take?

   Sometimes the threats to your information aren't from other people but
   from natural or technological causes. Although there is no way to
   control or prevent these problems, you can prepare for them and try to
   minimize the damage.

   * Protect your computer against power surges. Aside from providing outlets to plug in your computer and all of its peripherals, some
   power strips protect your computer against power surges. Many power strips now advertise compensation if they do not effectively
   protect your computer. During a lightning storm or construction work that increases the odds of power surges, consider shutting
   your computer down and unplugging it from all power sources. Power strips alone will not protect you from power outages, but there
   are products that do offer an uninterruptible power supply when there are power surges or outages.

   * Back up all of your data. Whether or not you take steps to protect yourself, there will always be a possibility that something will
   happen to destroy your data. You have probably already experienced this at least once-- losing one or more files due to an accident,
   a virus or worm, a natural event, or a problem with your equipment. Regularly backing up your data on a CD or network
   reduces the stress and other negative consequences that result from losing important information (see Real-World Warnings Keep
   You Safe Online for more information). Determining how often to back up your data is a personal decision. If you are constantly
   adding or changing data, you may find weekly backups to be the best alternative; if your content rarely changes, you may decide
   that your backups do not need to be as frequent. You don't need to back up software that you own on CD-ROM or DVD-ROM--you can
   reinstall the software from the original media if necessary.


v v v v v

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad.
We should be thankful that we can still drive."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't
done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated
adult video. She goes to the video store and, after
looking around for a while, selects a title that
sounds very stimulating.

When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips
into something and puts the tape into the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on
the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape but static."

"Sorry about, that, "replied the store clerk. "We've had
problems with some of those tapes. Which title did
you rent?"

The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

LESBONICS

1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? ..
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ...
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ....
Militia Etheridge.

v v v v v

NOTE:    Bob Barker last week ended a 35-year run as host
of "The Price Is Right" and a 50-year
   broadcasting career, no doubt to come on down to
a retirement in spaying-and-neutering heaven.

The Top 9 Things Overheard on the Set on Bob Barker's Last Day

9> "Anybody know where I can track me down one of those $4,200 Ford Pintos?"

8> "The last showcase should include his hairpiece, his Viagra
and his 12-pound can of makeup."

7> "Where do you suppose he'll get his supply of 'hostesses' from now?"

6> "Winona Ryder as the new host of 'The Price Is Right'? That
sort of makes sense."

5> "Just once, once, I'd like to hear someone say, 'No, dammit, you come on UP!'"

4> "I never wanted to say anything, but as showcases go, these kinda suck."

3> "At least he can quit the daily pint of embalming fluid."

2> "No, I don't want to spin the Big Wheel for my pension package."

   and the Number 1 Thing Overheard on
   the Set on Bob Barker's Last Day...

1> "Go see for yourself. There are thousands of dogs and cats
outside, and they look pretty pissed off about *something*!"

v v v v v

Click here: Clean Home Journal™ - Recipe Corner
http://www.cleanhomejournal.com/recipe-corner/desserts/50-strawberry-mousse-pie.asp
Very strawberry mousse pie

Click here: Clean Home Journal™ - Recipe Corner
http://www.cleanhomejournal.com/recipe-corner/side-dishes/40-spring-artichoke.asp
Spring Artichoke Salad
Salad as the main attraction? Chef James Brockman created this gorgeous salad as a side dish for a spring feast,
but it's so delicious, it just might hog the spotlight. The recipe uses canned artichokes, which cuts down on the
cost, but the lush array of fresh vegetables—juicy cherry tomatoes, crisp green beans
and hearty red potatoes—makes the dish ultralively.

Click here: Clean Home Journal™ - Recipe Corner
http://www.cleanhomejournal.com/recipe-corner/appetizers/bell_peppers.asp
Marinated Red Bell Peppers
Here's a simple, but smashing appetizer to kick off a feast. For best results, use large red peppers;
to skip half the prep time, buy them already roasted. Serve on toast in the Spanish-tapas style, or choose a favorite
cracker. They're also delicious thrown into pasta. A glass of chilled sherry or something light and
bubbly like Champagne makes the perfect complement.

v v v v v

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says. "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, " Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened
the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."

v v v v v

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

There was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge
in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never
again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs,
they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling
the ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of
whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell
off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously
they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the
ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you
bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

v v v v v

Click here: Video - iMovie Slideshow - How to Create an iMovie Slideshow
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3OmE
This video walks you through the steps on how to create an iMovie slideshow, so
you can share your pictures and photos with family and friends.

v v v v v

The Top 12 Pickup Lines at a Substance Abuse Clinic

12> "Let's do something we'll have to make amends for in
   a couple of steps."

11> "Trust me: Once you've done it while convulsing through
   withdrawal, you'll never go back!"

10> "I bet you could give me the most bang for my bong."

9> "I understand we have the same type of hepatitis."

8> "Your urine sample came back positive... for foxiness."

7> "How'd about you slip into something more comatose?"

6> "I bet you're someone famous, because I noticed you're
   not wearing panties."

5> "Baby, I may be out of Doritos, but I've still got the
   munchies for you."

4> "May I hold your hair while you puke?"

3> "I made you a bong out of macaroni and pudding."

2> "I'm drunk with love for you... and drunk with Scope...
   but mostly love."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pickup
   Line at a Substance Abuse Clinic...

1> "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it
   in front of me so the security cam doesn't catch me
   shooting up?"

v v v v v

BAKED BANANA BLISS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
4 Tablespoons butter
6 firm bananas
4 Ounces cream cheese, softened
4 Tablespoons sugar
1 Teaspoon cinnamon
1 Cup heavy cream
whipped cream for garnish (optional)

DIRECTIONS:
Melt butter. Slice bananas lengthwise. Saute quickly over
high heat. Place 1/2 of bananas in buttered 8 x 8-inch dish.
Beat cream cheese with sugar and cinnamon. Spread 1/2 of
mixture over banana. Top with remaining bananas and spread
with remaining cheese mix. Pour cream over top; bake in 375
degrees oven for 20 minutes. Serve cool garnished with whipped
cream or warm over vanilla ice cream.

Yield: 9 Servings

v v v v v

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Angel Baby
http://www.minibite.com/oldies/angelbaby.htm

When You Divorce: Putting Together a Co-Parenting Plan

You and your ex need to have a written co-parenting plan that
addresses all the issues including living arrangements, shared
expenses, religious training, schooling, extracurricular
activities, discipline policies, and provisions for unexpected
catastrophes. As you talk about your plan, keep the best
interests of your children at heart. This plan is not about you
-- it's about your kids and the best way to maintain continuity
in their lives and give them the assurance that comes with both
parents' love and care.

Raise healthy, happy kids with the insight in Single Parenting
For Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle
/productCd-076451766X.html?cid=etipBookLink ],
by Marion Peterson, MFT, and Diane Warner

v v v v v

CONFUCIUS SAY:

"Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next spring."

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy."

"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine"

v v v v v

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave
him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.

Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked,
"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

This old man went to a whore house and said to the manager that he wanted something
different. So the manager sent him up to room 69.

He got in there and this woman, named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working
wonders. Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "what the hell was that?"

She replied, "that is the cooling rain falling all over you." She got at it again and
farted in his face. He said, "what the hell was that?"

She then again replied, "that is the warm ocean winds blowing."

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed. Hurricane Sally said, "where are you going?"

He said, "hell, a man can't fuck this kind of weather!"

v v v v v

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

v v v v v

Click here: PC World - 35 Things Every PC User Should Know
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,128154/article.html?tk=nl_dmxhow

Systray Tips: Turn Off Pesky Apps

More and more applications continually nag you with pop-ups or plop an icon into your
already crowded system tray. Here's how to deal with some of the worst offenders.
Apple Quicktime: To remove the icon from the system tray, right-click it and select QuickTime
Preferences. Click Advanced and uncheck Install QuickTime icon in system tray.
Real Player: To remove pop-ups, right-click the Real Player system tray icon. Click Set Real Message Center
preferences.... Uncheck all boxes. Click Yes on the 'Warning!' screen. To remove the shovelware, go to the 'Add
or Remove Programs' control panel. First, remove The Weather Channel Desktop (click No thanks... at the
warning prompt and quit the browser survey launched after); then remove Weather Services. You must remove them in order.
Windows Messenger: To prevent Messenger spam, disable it. Click Start, Settings, Control Panel, Administrative
Tools. Double-click Services. Scroll to and then double-click Messenger. Click Stop.
Change the 'Startup type:' field to Disabled.

v v v v v

What's a Jewish wife's idea of a perfect house?

6,000 sq. ft., no kitchen, no bedroom.

v v v v v

I went to visit my cousin on the farm. Well, as young lads will, we
started talking about sex. Sex on the farm. That's when he told me
about the pigs. I was horny, but I just didn't know.

Pigs?!

It didn't take too much effort on his part to get me to agree to a try. Off to the pig pen we went.
Well, in no time at all, he was humping away on his choice.

I, however, was having a problem.

"Hey, Lem, I can't get a hard-on."

He turned, looked at me, then at my pig. "No wonder dummy. You picked an ugly one ... "

v v v v v

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: TO ALL THE "SWEET TATERS" IN MY LIFE
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/sweettators/

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Best Friends Forever
http://www.spiritisup.com/bestfriendsforeverse.html

v v v v v

What do you call a woman without an asshole?

Single!

v v v v v

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her
crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have
the crabs". She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs
because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to
him. The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs".

"No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin."

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you
help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the
crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs."

The doctor said, Jump on the table and let's have a look."

"After examining the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, your
right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have
fruit flies."

v v v v v

v v v v v

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate
their 50th marriage anniversary.

The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At
this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"

After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on
them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he
hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.

He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband
for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he
do what he did at this age.

The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I
lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The
bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?"

The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one
hand, and then we make a bet."

The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"

If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband
replied with a smirk.

The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

"Then we both win," says the old man.

v v v v v

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the
convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room
with four portraits.

"Who is this?" asks the padre.

"Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe"

"And this portrait?"

"That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi"

"Who is this third one?"

"That is the Virgin of Ishia"

"And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"

"Oh, that's no virgin, that's the Mother Superior."

v v v v v

Odd Auto Names

Where do they come up with names for cars? Some of them make sense: the Audi Quattro refers to the
car's all-wheel drive system, the Acura Legend inspires confidence, and the Plymouth Voyager conjures up
family road trips. But others...well, you just have to wonder. We called up the actual definitions
for some of these names in an attempt to understand...

1. AMC Gremlin: "a tiny imaginary mischievous creature that is blamed for faults in tools, machinery, and electronic
equipment." Do you really want anything to do with gremlins when you are driving down a steep and slippery road?

2. Ford Probe: "surgical instrument for exploring." Probably the manufacturers meant probe as in space probe.

3. Chevy Cavalier: "showing an arrogant or jaunty disregard or lack of respect for something or somebody,"
or a "gallant or chivalrous gentleman, especially one escorting a lady." Which do you think they were going for?

4. Plymouth Reliant: "depending on or needing somebody or something." Wouldn't you
like to be able to rely on your car, rather than have it rely on you?

5. Oldsmobile Cutlass: "a short thrusting sword with a flat and slightly curved blade used in the past,
especially by sailors." This might be a better name for a boat.

6. Volkswagen Golf: "an outdoor game in which an array of specially designed clubs with long shafts are used to
hit a small ball from a prescribed starting point into a hole." What does this have to do with driving a car?

7. Toyota Corolla: "the petals of a flower collectively, forming a ring around the reproductive organs and surrounded by an
outer ring of sepals." Well, at least the literal Latin translation of corolla is "little crown."

8. Chevy Suburban: "relating to, belonging to, or located in a suburb." Why is there no "Urban" or "Rural"?

9. Mitsubishi Mirage: "something that is unreal or merely imagined." This suggests the car may not be as good as it seems.

10. Subaru Brat: "demanding and selfish person: somebody, either a child or an adult, who is regarded as
tiresomely demanding and selfish, like a spoiled child." So, it's not surprising
that Subaru has discontinued that model.

v v v v v

Products That Never Sold

* "Drill 'Em 'N Fill 'Em" Home Dentistry Kit

* "Boobs in a Bottle" Breast Enlargement Formula

* "Jump-Start" Home Defibrilator: Save someone from a heart
attack without the hassle of rushing them to a hospital!

* "Golden Shower" Beer: The only alcoholic beverage made
from 100% recycled beer.

* "Time Life Books Presents Home Surgery"

* "'Stripper Fun' Barbie"

* The Book of Mormon, Episode II

* "No Thanks" Trapdoor for Solicitors: Installed with iron
spikes, crocodiles cost extra

* "Balz-Off" Testosterone Repressor

* Keychain Belly Rings: Hang your keys on your belly button!

* "'Gynecologist' Ken": Comes with "'Sexy Patient' Barbie"

* "Nice Ass" Jeans

* "'Operating Fun' Barbie": Give Barbie a new heart,
lung, or kidney!

* "Other Side" Near-Death Inducing Kit: See your deceased
loved ones momentarily! (Caution: May cause irreversible results.)

* "'Star Wars' 'Tearing Attack' Rancor": Comes with limited
edition "'Mutilated' Gamorrean Guard"

* "Lung Drano": Cleans out the lungs of the serious smoker!

* "Friday the 13th Part XXXII: Jason Gets Married"

* "Crab Lice Killer"

* "The Flatulence 500": The only car which runs on pure methane.

* "Ernest Goes to Hell" (Yeah, we only wish)

* "Dam-U" Home Curse Kit: Comes with voodoo doll and
thirteen (13) pins

* "Rainforest" Brand Christmas Trees

* "Nu-Life" Blood Donation Kit

* "Bobbit" Brand Home Circumcision Kit

* "I Couldn't See Him" Brand Sunglasses

* "'Prostitute' Barbie": Comes with "'Pimp' Ken"

* Sewer Rat Feeders

* "Man's Best Friend" Rabid Watchdogs: For those serious
about guarding their house. (Caution: May become irritable.)

* "How to Make the Voices in Your Head Shut Up"

v v v v v

D O W N L O A D S

Click here: WorldStart Wallpaper
http://www.worldstart.com/wallpaper/index.php
Gorgeous Wallpaper for your desktop!

Click here: PC World - Great Graphics for Free
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,128839/article.html?tk=nl_hdxcol
Got plenty of photos and other media on your PC? Then you know that the graphics tools built into Windows
won't exactly knock your socks off. And looking at the price tags on some add-in photo and media programs
might send you into sticker shock.But you don't need to pay a bundle for solid media tools--in fact, you don't
need to spend a penny. We've rounded up four freebies that do a great job of helping you master your media

Click here: Homepage von JCMB Software
http://jcmb.jens-m.de/
Do you ever find yourself working on something via your personal computer and wanting to take a quick note? You look around, left to
right, but there is not a sheet of paper in sight. You could create a new text document right there on your PC's desktop - but you hate for
your desktop to look messy. What are you to do? Pick up Quicknote. Quicknote is a freeware application that allows you to write quick
notes to yourself and minimize them almost out of sight. Here are some more details from the developers: "Quicknote is a small, virtual
scrapbook to write down an occasional thought, a plan for the day or an Internet URL. When not in use, the program hides as a tiny bar on
top of your desktop, and when you hold your mouse over it, the interface will appear. You can type or copy/paste bits of text and
even scribble down simple drawings. The program also offers some additional features, including an option to start frequently run
programs, encrypt secret texts and even change the system volume by hotkeys." It also includes an integrated Task-Manager, that allows you
to set reminders for selected notes, and can also shut down your PC at specified times. You can also change the color of the program to suit
your own needs. Want it yellow? It can be yellow. Feeling blue? it can do that too. The only downside I could find about this freeware
download is that the interface could use some work. It might not be the prettiest girl at the dance, but it does the job.

Click here: Active Desktop Calendar - Organizer, tasks, calendar on desktop wallpaper - XemiComputers
http://www.xemico.com/adc/index.html
Here's a calendar you might like -- I do !!

v v v v v

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small
Village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figure's he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a fucking liar, don't believe a word she says!

v v v v v

v v v v v

Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an
idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls."

"No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home."

"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink
and go up to your place."

v v v v v

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell
only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

v v v v v

When my last boyfriend realized that I was really kicking his lazy ass
out for good, he started trying to patch things up. He got all sad, and
looked at me with tenderness, saying "You know I love you. Say those
three little words that will make me walk on air."

I said, "Go hang yourself."

v v v v v

Click here: Top Jazz Albums of 2006 -- About.com Jazz Guide John Matouk
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15r/4&sdn=jazz&cdn=entertainment&tm=7&gps=59_164_1193_850&f=00&su=
p445.92.150.ip_&tt=26&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//jazz.about.com/od/reviews/tp/topalbums2006.htm
While there was no clear winner like 2005's Monk/Trane at Carnegie Hall, 2006 brought forth many terrific recordings
performed by the elite masters of jazz. A few notable themes of the year: the avant-garde is alive and well.
Despite its scarcity on radio and in clubs, jazz still provides a home for adventuresome experimenters. Also,
live albums dominate the list, probably a result of my preference for live performance over the studio. So while
I encourage you to enjoy every disc on this list, don't forget to experience the living music by
patronizing the clubs and concert halls. Here's to a swinging 2007!

20 Worst Rhyme Crimes In Pop Music
(http://www.stereogum.com/archives/004356.html)
Cracked has put together a list of the worst rhyme offenders in pop music history. A lot like looking for sand
in the desert, but it's a fun game. (And its taken all our power not to rhyme so far. You're welcome.)
Here are some highlights

19. Jadakiss and Kanye West, "Gettin' It In"
Don't try to treat me like I ain’t famous,
My apologies, are you into astrology?
Cause I'm, I'm tryin to make it to Uranus

18. Styx, "Mr. Roboto"
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto

17. The Police,"Walking on the Moon"
Giant steps are what you take,
Walking on the moon,
I hope my legs don't break,
Walking on the moon

16. Foreigner,"Hot Blooded"
That's why I'm hot blooded, check it and see,
I got a fever of a hundred and three

15. Rod Stewart, "Every Picture Tells a Story"
On the Peking ferry I was feeling merry,
Sailing on my way back here
I fell in love with a slit eyed lady,
By the light of an eastern moon,
Shangai Lil never used the pill

11. Michael Bolton,"Love is a Wonderful Thing"
The only thing a river knows,
Is runnin' to the sea,
And every spring when a flower grows,
It happens naturally

7. Red Hot Chili Peppers,"Snow"
Hey oh... listen what I say oh
I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh

1. Bob Dylan, "Ballad of a Thin Man"
You have many contacts
Among the lumberjacks
To get you facts
When someone attacks your imagination
But nobody has any respect
Anyway they already expect you
To just give a check
To tax-deductible charity organizations

v v v v v

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate,"
says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invitedher over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood
and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

v v v v v

There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.

v v v v v

v v v v v

ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand
the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also
applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to
get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.'

v v v v v

Click here: BBC - Science & Nature - Test Your Pet Owner Survey
http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/animals/pets/testyourpet/new_owner.shtml
Once you've completed your details, if you have a cat, a dog, a bird, a horse, a fish or even something small
and furry, you'll be able to discover just how smart they are by following our step-by-step tests.

Grounding Your Jumping Beagle

Who would have thought that a 13- to 15-inch dog could jump to well more than double that height? If you have a Beagle, you know
the answer to that question: The little hound can morph into a canine pogo stick if the spirit moves her.

Generally, a Beagle to become airborne for one reason: She wants attention. By shooting herself upward she usually gets that
attention, even if it comes in the form of, "Ouch! What are you doing to my sweater?! Don't jump on me! Get down!!" Your
bouncy Beagle doesn't really care that you don't like what she's doing. She just wants a reaction -- especially if she doesn't get
a lot of attention in the first place. Consequently, yelling at her does nothing to stop her pogo stick behavior.

Bring the bouncy Beagle back down to earth by refusing to pay attention to her behavior. The next time she performs a doggy
liftoff, walk away from her, or at least turn your back. Say nothing. Pay no attention to her at all until she's planted her
four legs back on the floor and keeps them there. Then, praise her, pet her, and give her a treat. Do this consistently whenever
she jumps up on you -- and instruct others in your household to do the same. Pretty soon she'll realize that the way to get
attention from you is to keep four on the floor.

Cute, fun-loving, and great with kids . . . a beagle is all that
and more. Find out what to expect in Beagles For Dummies
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd
-0470039612.html?cid=etipBookLink ],
by Susan McCullough.

v v v v v

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

v v v v v

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed
the first automobile air-conditioner.

Didn't know that, did ya?..

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his
secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about130º, turned on the
air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them three million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted
the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the
dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on four
million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the
names "Norm, Hi, and Max".

v v v v v

Conquering Refrigerator Odors

The Cause
A refrigerator odor that you can't "see" is like an itch you can't scratch. You can spend an afternoon scrubbing
your fridge from top to bottom without getting rid of that whiff of food gone bad. That's because spills often trickle
into the drip pan underneath the refrigerator or into the insulation and go undetected for months.

The Cure
There's still nothing better for absorbing fridge odors than baking soda, and the old staple just got a makeover:
Arm & Hammer's new Fridge-n-Freezer Deodorizer (70 cents at supermarkets) has front and back windows lined with
a cheeseclothlike fabric to maximize ventilation. Vanilla extract is also an effective remedy: Soak a cotton
ball in it and leave the cotton ball exposed on a dish until dry.

Conquer Dishwasher Odor
The Cause
Most dishwasher odors are caused by dirty plates that have been sitting for a
few days or by food trapped in the filter or on the tub bottom.

The Cure
If your dishes sit before you start the dishwasher, run a "rinse and hold" cycle until you're ready to wash. To clean
the whole machine, run an empty cycle with two cups of white vinegar (a natural odor absorber and neutralizer) instead
of detergent. Remember that your dishwasher is not a garbage disposal: You can
prevent odors by rinsing food off before you load.

v v v v v

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be
saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business',"
declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a
loyal family man'."

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them
to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks
good for his age'!"

v v v v v

*submitted by*
CHIN3917

v v v v v

The Chief of Staff remarked to the Director of Nursing that
there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant Nurses in their
hospital. As they were walking down the hall, he was becoming
concerned about a possible staff shortage and inquired of the
Director when each pregnant Nurse they passed was due.

Each time the Director would respond, "Some time in late September."

Coming upon the 5th expectant Nurse, he asked yet again. The
Director responded, "I have no idea Sir. Norma Jeanne wasn't
at the Christmas Party."

v v v v v

Get A Jump On Spring Vegetable Gardening
by John Begeman

If your planning to plant a vegetable garden this spring,
now is the time to decide whether to start them from seed,
or purchase transplants.

Many gardeners like to start their plants from seed,
because they can grow interesting and unusual varieties
not available in the local garden stores. Mail order
garden catalogs offer an overwhelming choice; many "tried
and true" varieties are offered, while many others are brand new.

Getting a jump on spring is another important reason for
growing plants from seed. Warm season vegetables like
tomatoes and eggplant are much more productive in mid to
late spring. Extended summer heat here in the desert
stresses these plants and reduces fruit production.
Setting them out as early as possible will extend the
harvest period of warm season crops.

Some vegetables can be grown from seed in window sills,
cold frames, or greenhouses for later planting out in
the garden. These are the types that transplant easily
and include; tomato, eggplant, onion, pepper, and okra.

continued next week

v v v v v

A mystical painter named Foxx
Once picked up a girl on the docks.
He made an elliptic
Mysterious triptych,
And painted it right on her box.

v v v v v

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car
privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper
and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked
into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get
in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with
the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

v v v v v

Deleting System Softwares:
pakhardware.com

XP hides some system software you might want to remove, such as Windows Messenger, but you can tickle it and
make it disgorge everything. Using Notepad or Edit, edit the text file /windows/inf/sysoc.inf, search for the word 'hide'
and remove it. You can then go to the Add or Remove Programs in the Control Panel, select Add/Remove
Windows Components and there will be your prey, exposed and vulnerable.

v v v v v

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for
another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head,disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

v v v v v

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much
until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed:
"Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

v v v v v

Click here: Warning Signs of Lymphoma
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1Ck/Qz&sdn=sexuality&cdn=health&tm=41&gps=31_113_1193_850&f=00&su=p
496.9.140.ip_p284.5.420.ip_&tt=12&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//lymphoma.about.com/od/symptoms/tp/warningsigns.htm
Lymphoma occurs inoccuously, often so harmlessly that it takes some time before you may realize that there
is anything seriously wrong. Here is a list of the common symptoms of lymphoma. But you must remember that
most of these symptoms are common with many harmless conditions. You should not panic if you have any of these
symptoms. Consult your doctor, and he will be able to address most of your fears and doubts.

Click here: Missing Out on Orgasms? -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/archive/ALT02070110-02.html
You've never had an orgasm? Yikes - read this then!

Click here: Heart Attacks Are Seldom 'A Bolt Out of the Blue' -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/cc/?hash=1168848324253
Sudden cardiac arrest is the Hollywood picture of a heart attack: A middle-aged man clutches his chest, slumps
to the floor, and expires. It's disastrously common and deadly. A whopping 20 percent of all deaths in the United States
each year are due to a sudden cardiac arrest; barely 5 percent of people who have one survive. The perception of
sudden cardiac arrest, certainly furthered by its name, is that it comes as a bolt out of the blue. A meticulous study by
German researchers suggests that it's more like real lightning, which is
usually preceded by clouds, wind and rain.

v v v v v

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently
aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost
some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past
mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide
and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Off the beaten path,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the
ages...still desirable but only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for
knowledge and true love dare visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Click here: http://www.123mycodes.com/myspaceprank/boobflash.swf
http://www.123mycodes.com/myspaceprank/boobflash.swf

Click here: ooops
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/120620.htm
Yuckkkkkkkkkk

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Italian English
http://www.sick-humor.com/content/4399.html

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

One day, a country boy, who liked the neighbor girl found himself
lucky enough to be sitting with her on the top rail of the cattle
pen. As they watched a bull servicing a cow, he turned to her,
with what he hoped was a suggestive look, and said, 'That looks
like it would be fun."

She looked over at him, and replied, rather dubiously, "Well...
she's your cow."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet, "
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to:straighten up, fly right,and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last........ ......... .

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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Click here: Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

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A bird loving woman named Hester
Had a parrot who often would pester
Said lass for a cracker
She gave her a stack fer
She always did what Polyester

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Do You Need Windows Vista?

If you have a PC with Windows XP installed, and it works well
enough for what you want to do, leave it alone. Ain't broke.
Don't fix. Keep your Windows XP machine updated with the latest
security patches. But don't throw it in the trash heap yet.

Some programs that Microsoft created for Vista run just fine on
Windows XP. Windows Defender, the antispyware product, works on
XP. Vista's initial version of Windows Media Player, WMP 11, runs
rings around its earlier incarnation, as does Internet Explorer 7
-- but you can run both on Windows XP. Don't pay for Vista if you
have an XP system and you only want the latest versions of
Defender, WMP, or IE. You have better ways to throw away your
greenbacks.

More than that, if the computer you have only supports Vista Home
Basic (probably because of an older video card), don't bother
with Vista; stick with Windows XP. You won't see much benefit --
literally and figuratively.

On the other hand, if you want to take advantage of the many,
manifest, and truly compelling goodies in Vista, you could
consider upgrading in the following cases:

* If you own a fairly modern PC (say, an Intel Pentium 4
   running at 1.8 GHz or so, or an AMD Opteron 144 or
   higher), with several hundred megabytes of free disk space.

* If you have 1GB of memory or you're willing to shell
   out the grub to get it.

* If your video card can handle the load. Many laptops
   simply can't run Vista, and video upgrades rate as too
   expensive -- or just plain impossible.

Don't upgrade to Vista unless you have enough video power to
drive the Aero Glass interface. For most Windows XP users, that's
the crucial upgrade decision point: The video card represents the
biggest -- and costliest -- hurdle.

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CHICKEN & FRUIT SALAD WITH MANGO DRESSING

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
2 to 3 mangos
12 ounces skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
1/2 teaspoon curry powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon coarsely ground pepper
6 cups torn mixed greens
1/2 medium cantaloupe, seeded, peeled, cut in 1-inch chunks
1 cup halved or sliced strawberries
1 recipe Mango Vinaigrette (see below)
2 green onions, thinly sliced

DIRECTIONS:
Pit, peel, and slice the mangoes. Measure 1-1/2 cups for
use in the vinaigrette; set remaining slices aside for salad.
Rinse chicken; pat dry with paper towels. Stir together the
curry, salt, and pepper. Rub chicken with curry mixture.
Grill chicken on the rack of an uncovered grill directly
over medium coals about 12 to 15 minutes or until tender
and no longer pink, turning once halfway through grilling.
(Or, place chicken on the unheated rack of a broiler pan.
Broil 4 to 5 inches from the heat for 10 to 12 minutes,
turning once.) Cool chicken slightly; slice into 1/4-inch
strips. Arrange greens on individual dinner plates. Top with
chicken strips, melon, strawberries, and reserved mango slices.
Drizzle each salad with some of the Mango Vinaigrette. Sprinkle
green onion over all.

MANGO VINAIGRETTE:
In a blender container or food processor bowl, combine the
1-1/2 cups mango, 1/4 cup orange juice, 3 tablespoons rice
vinegar or white wine vinegar, 2 teaspoons honey, and 1
teaspoon Dijon-style mustard. Cover and blend or process
until smooth. Cover and chill until serving time. Makes about
1-1/4 cups.

Total Yield: 4 Servings
Nutrition facts per serving: 232 calories, 3 g total fat
(1 g saturated fat), 45 mg cholesterol, 154 mg sodium,
34 g carbohydrate, 5 g fiber, and 19 g protein.

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An American tourist in London found himself needing
to take a leak something terrible.

After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom
to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take
care of business.

Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman,
"whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief.

Then turning toward the officer,he said,
"This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

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Click here: 9NEWS - Article - Ways parents can protect their children’s phones
http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=66511
It's s a sign of the times. As the 14-year-old girl we'll call "Elizabeth" will tell you, one just has to have a cell phone.
"If you don't have a cell phone it doesn't mean you're like un-cool or anything. It's just an important thing to
have for us teenagers, stay in touch with our friends, family," she said.
Cell phones have become so prevalent among teens; Elizabeth, for example, would be hard pressed to tell
you how much change she would need for a pay phone. Find out ways you can protect their phones

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"Officials say the cost of keeping Paris Hilton in jail is 11 times
the cost of the average inmate. Taxpayers described the cost of
keeping Paris in jail as totally worth it."

Conan O'Brien

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My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each
other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he
had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to
repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids,
because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my
ladder. It's my dad's."

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Click here: 10 Big Trips . . . on Little Budgets
http://letters.washingtonpost.com/W1RH0235AF850B8C4E87F30BE15580
Modern Bride magazine surveyed 6,000 travel agents last year -- its ninth annual survey on the subject -- and
came up with a Top 10 list of honeymoon destinations and lodgings. But what if these trips exceed your budget?
We've added our own suggestions on how to bring them within bounds.

Click here: Pound for Pound, Bargains by London Standards - washingtonpost.com
http://letters.washingtonpost.com/W1RH0235AF75AB8C4E87F30BE15580
A new wave of London hotels designed with budget travelers in mind has brought some affordable options to the
city's notoriously pricey lodging scene.If you've been in town recently, you know that the expensive tariffs aren't
limited to swanky digs such as Brown's Hotel. With the dollar taking a thrashing against the pound, the city's average room price -- including
the 17.5 percent value-added tax (VAT) levied on hotels -- rose this fall to $253, according
to London-based TRI Hospitality Consulting.

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"More problems today for Paris Hilton in prison. Apparently she
saw another woman wearing the exact same outfit that she had on."

Jay Leno

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"There's something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have
been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only
crazy, they're German. You know they're just getting started. World
domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered."

Craig Ferguson

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"More trouble for the New York Yankees. Jason Giambi may
be suspended if he doesn?t answer questions about steroids.
This is serious. This is no laughing matter. This why Rosie got fired."

Dave Letterman

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Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and
sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near
a large bank.

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend
him some money.

Don refuses.

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and I'm
not asking for much."

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-
competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the
terms of the agreement, they're don't sell hot dogs, and I don't
lend money."

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For years I had this unexplained, burning
desire to risk my life in the running
of the bulls. I was finally able to
get the proper treatment once the doctor
diagnosed me with Human Pamplona Virus.
(Brad Simanek)


While I've made great strides in overcoming
the prejudices I grew up with, I have to
say I *still* don't trust plaid people.
(Tidewater Joe)


At the CIA, we're studying whale speech -- partly
in order to test our decryption algorithms, but
mostly because we suspect whales are spying on us.
(The Covert Comic)


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A young girl came home from the doctor's office, and she was all
in tears. Naturally, her parents were concerned why she was crying,
so they asked her.

"I flunked the blood test!" she said, "I knew I shoulda studied for it!"

Now concerned, her parents asked, "What do you mean 'I flunked
the blood test?' -- there has to be more to it than that!"

She said, "Sally got A+ on the blood test, but Billy got a B+."

"So?" the parents asked. "What is so bad about that?"

"My test came back with a 0 on it!"

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*borrowed from*
shinyhappyhead.com

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Britney Spears in the news. Britney Spears has been telling her
friends that she's planning on getting back together with Kevin
Federline. Britney says it wasn't an easy decision, but she knows
in her heart it's the stupid thing to do.

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New York City is now the safest big city in the nation. Thank
you Spider-Man.

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Yesterday President Bush spoke about his immigration bill.
And he said, this is a quote, 'The political process is two steps
forward, one step back.' Then Bush said, 'It's just like the Hokey Pokey.'

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Click here: MILITANTPLATYPUS - GAMES -
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443 games and counting

Click here: Everybody Panic! Line Game
http://everybodypanic.bv
Video and computer games are getting more and more elaborate. Developers spend millions of dollars and hire the best talent.
But surprisingly, so-called casual games are attracting big audiences. These games are
relatively simple. And you can play them for a few minutes at a time.
EverybodyPanic! would be classified as a casual game. But I defy you to play it for only a few minutes. It’s addictive!
The premise is simple. You need to navigate through a maze. But watch out for bouncing balls – and you
can’t touch the red area of the screen. Maybe the premise is simple, but the game is challenging.

Click here: Nancy Drew® Game Download at Big Fish Games
http://sm.bigfishgames.com/track?type=click&mailingid=200702262100&messageid=2&databaseid=1234&serial=9
22222592&emailid=debssweet@aol.com&userid=465613&extra=&&&nancycursetext&&&http://www.big
fishgames.com/downloads/nancydrewcurseofbl/index.html?src=bfg12y0xenl0232
All is not well in Blackmoor Manor, a Fourteenth Century English mansion haunted by a tragic past. You, as Nancy Drew,
embark on your first international adventure to visit Linda Penvellyn, your neighbor's daughter and newlywed wife of a British
diplomat. A mysterious malady keeps Linda hidden behind thick bed curtains. Is she hiding from something or someone,
or is a more menacing threat stalking her? Face your fears to find the truth! Dare to Play™

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A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of
getting a cold. The more sex you have, the less you'll have
a cold. Just wait until guys get hold of this. A woman
sneezes and he'll be saying, "Hey, I got something for that."

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Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable:

The prom is a magical experience, a chance to do such grown-up
things as get all dressed up, drink nine Smirnoff Ices, vomit
in a limo, and pass out in Mom's azalea bushes.

The theme is one of the most important elements of a prom.
Choose carefully between "Tropical Paradise" and "Stepping Out In Style."

Do not attempt to finger-bang your date until a slow song comes on.

Don't forget the corsage! Fresh flowers are necessary to mask
the smell of sweat and foot odor in your school's dank, poorly ventilated gym.

Try to plan ahead, so you are not more than two or three months
pregnant for your prom.

Next to a bridesmaid dress, a prom dress is the most important
dress you will ever wear.

If you were not asked to prom, you can still have fun by putting
on a dress, buying a taco-salad party platter from the local
Pic-N-Save, and dancing in your bedroom as a portable radio plays
the latest Top 40 hits.

This will be the biggest night of your life if you happen to die
in the next few weeks.

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Note: I have not checked these links but they should be fine as they
come from an extremely reliable source

Hey Honey
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/841.html
Here

Be Patient
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/842.html
Here

Next Year...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/843.html
Here

A Little Too Fast
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/844.html
Here

Care To Prove It
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/845.html
Here

Is It In Yet?...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200402/038.htm
AOL here

Jealous of "Hand"???
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1381.html
Here!

Cards
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1382.html
Here!

The Captain
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1383.html
Here!

check in the mail?
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1384.html
Here!

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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control

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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind

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©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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