Rockin' and Rollin'

Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet

GAS!

How high can it go? Just for you - lots of toons about the gas hikes all sent in by Granny B 132 - thanks!
So let's try to laugh instead of cry -- just for now anyway.

A chuckle for you in the SILLIES section - about Paris Hilton

Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!

"This week, at the big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas,
apple unveiled their first combination ipod and cell phone. They
say their goal is to create the most annoying person ever to sit
behind you in a movie theater."

v v v v v

My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog.
"It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked. He replied,
"The part about the thousand."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Mý Ïmmørtâ|
http://www.angelfire.com/alt/bentmusic15/MyImmortal.html

2. Click here: God Must Of Spent A Bit More Time On You
http://www.angelfire.com/ks2/mn4/AryAnne/God.Must.Of.Spent.html

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: If You Ever
http://www.spiritisup.com/ifyoueverhw.html

v v v v v

Finally a beautiful day in Los Angeles. It was actually hot
today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Alec Baldwin on "take
your daughter to work? day.

Jay Leno

v v v v v

Sheryl Crow was at this dinner. I guess she was there to raise
awareness about global warming. She has an interesting plan. Sheryl
Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper
when they go to the bathroom. So in other words, don?t ever shake
Sheryl Crow's hand.

v v v v v

"Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands."

Jayne Mansfield

v v v v v

The Top 10 Sure-to-Fail Pickup Lines Used by Men

10> "Weren't you in 'Lord of the Rings' as Orc #2?"

9> "... my vast empire of humor lists."

8> "Well, it's closing time and neither of us is getting any
   thinner or younger. I guess you'll do."

7> "Times a-wastin', sweetie. We're in the matrix and I just
   took the *blue* pill."

6> "Damn, you look like good breeding stock!"

5> "The fact that you're flat as a board makes me want to nail
   you even more."

4> "Have you ever done modeling? Because I'm a photographer
   for Fat Scat Slutz Monthly...."

3> [*points at penis*] "Eh? Ehhhhh?"

2> "Looks like you've had a rough day. You'd be amazed at how
   much a good ass-pounding can help you relax."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sure-to-Fail Pickup Line Used by Men...

1> "Your eyes are so wild and intense -- you know, like Mike Singletary's."

v v v v v

Lighten Up - Video Tip

Have you ever gone to a Web site that has a dark colored background and dark colored text?

What sense does that make? It makes it pretty hard to see what's actually written there, doesn't it?
Well, if you're interested in a way to lighten all that up, I've got just the thing for you! It's so easy to change the
background color and even the text color on Web pages, you'll be amazed at what you can do! To learn how,
just click on the link! http://imgsrv.worldstart.com/videotips/index.htm

v v v v v

Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to
point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had
acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got
just to see how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going
to die, so how could you sell it."

"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

v v v v v

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the
South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began
filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the
official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in
black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker
Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone
talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his
selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are
you a Quaker"? he sked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am
a real Quaker."

"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before.
Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his
merchandise to be tallied up.

As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please
mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy.
The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.

The man said, "Screw Thee Asshole".

v v v v v

v v v v v

The Top 9 Things You Should Not Put on Your Med School Application

9> Your LSAT scores.

8> "Some people shy away from blood, but not me. I love blood.
The more blood, the better."

7> "I think we should all be sure to remember our sole purpose as
physicians: driving nice cars and making life hell for
pharmacists."

6> "I'm a legacy. Everything after this point in the application
will be purposely left blank."

5> "Can I transfer my credits here from Baha Marimba Discount
Medical School?"

4> The term "first-born" used in any capacity whatsoever.

3> "How negotiable are autonomy and respect?"

2> Anything written in *any* bodily fluid.

and the Number 1 Thing You Should Not
Put on Your Med School Application...

1> Under chosen specialty, "Tampering in God's Domain" crossed
out and "Dermatology" pencilled in.

v v v v v

Click here: Video - How to Wash Your Car - Wash a Car
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1Y6&sdn=video&cdn=specials&tm=7&gps=32_70_1193_799
&f=0&tt=38&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//video.about.com/housekeeping/Car-Wash.htm
Save money and give your car a professional car wash at home using a hose and two simple products.

Click here: Auto Shanghai 2007 Official Website >> Expo Info >> Ê×Ò³
http://www.autoshanghai.com.cn/english/
Check out the car show!!

v v v v v

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a
problem with sex. "I think my privates are
too small." He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks
things, those Lagers. You should try drinking
Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked
the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got
the wife on Lager!"

v v v v v

The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed
but oddly happy expression on his face. "What happened?" asked the cop.

"I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of
teenage girls came along and jumped me and - uh - tore off my clothes.
And then. . . "

"And then what?"

"And then all heaven broke loose

v v v v v

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: ~*~ Just A Touch ~*~ Brought to you by Creations From The Heart . Biz
http://www.creationsfromtheheart.biz/dbjustatouch.html

2 Click here: You're The Best
http://asandboxgreeting.com/sbyourethebest2.html

*submitted by*
KP1983
Click here: Remember You Thank You Ecards RiverSongs Friendship Cards Greetings
http://www.riversongs.com/cards/philippians13.html

v v v v v

A 60-year-old woman who just gave birth to twins, says, "Age has been
redefined." Her doctor said, "That's easy for you to say. You didn't
have to see what I was looking at."

Conan O'Brien

v v v v v

SPICY CORN BAKE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1/4 lb. Bacon, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
1/3 C. Onion, diced
1/3 C. Celery, diced
1/3 C. Green Bell Pepper, diced
1 stick, Butter (1/4 lb.), plus 2 Tbsp. melted,
1/4 C. Milk
1 can (13.5 oz. ) Cream Style Corn
1 can (13.5 oz. ) Whole Kernel Corn
2 Tbsp. Jalapenos, chopped fine
2 Tbsp. Pimentos, chopped fine
1 tsp. Salt
1 Tbsp. Sugar
2 C. Corn Bread Muffins, Crumbled

DIRECTIONS:
In a large skillet over medium heat, cook bacon until
crisp. Add onion, celery and bell pepper and saute 2
minutes over low heat; set aside. In medium-size pan,
melt 1/4 pound butter; add milk, corn, jalapenos, pimentos,
salt and sugar; heat over low heat. Add bacon-vegetable
mixture and 1 C. corn bread crumbs to corn mixture. Heat
well, stirring frequently. Transfer to a 9x11 inch pan.
Moisten remaining corn bread crumbs with remaining margarine
and sprinkle on top of corn mixture. Bake at 350 degrees
until crumbs are light brown.

Yield: 8 Servings

v v v v v

v v v v v

"He should be so lucky" NBC correspondent Andrea
Mitchell, on an erroneous news report that her husband,
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan was hospitalized
"with an enlarged prostitute." He'd undergone prostate
surgery.

v v v v v

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and
demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on
the rocks."

"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.

"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

v v v v v

Click here: Free Hide Folder (Security & Privacy - Encryption Tools)
http://download.lockergnome.com/download/104911
Most everyone has files or folders on their computer that they do not want to share with others. Free Hide Folder
is a free computer security software to hide your private folders. Others will not know where your personal files exist and
they will not be able to accidentally view them. You can hide folders simply with a few mouse clicks. Free
Hide Folder is protected by a password that you can change or remove at any time

Click here: ReaGallery Pro - photo album software (Graphic Apps - Gallery & Cataloging Tools)
http://download.lockergnome.com/download/102314
Create photo albums, thumbnail galleries and slide shows with your digital pictures for web and home. I
t automatically generates thumbnails and all the HTML code. The Wizard interface guides you through, and lets you publish
your photos and images into professional looking web albums easily. You can also modify any layout template, resize and edit
images, add captions and links, upload pages to your web-site, burn on CD and much more.

Click here: Download and run the Norton Removal Tool
http://service1.symantec.com/SUPPORT/tsgeninfo.nsf/docid/2005033108162039
This week’s download is not the most exciting piece of software you’ll ever see, but you may find it very useful,
nonetheless. In all my years as a tech, Symantec has dominated the PC security market with their Norton line of
antivirus software, among other security based applications. The products are very good, which is the reason the
company has stayed on top for so long. There has however, been one problem that, in my opinion, has plagued
the company's software and that is the ability to properly remove it from one’s PC.
I have seen it time and time again. A piece of Norton software (usually the antivirus program) simply
does not uninstall. Sure, it will appear as though it uninstalls, but the next time you reboot your computer,
you get some error message, because Norton cannot launch like it should. Well, of course it can’t launch normally.
Half of the components of the program have been removed and the other half are looking for them. This situation
has cost me plenty of frustrating hours over numerous machines. It’s literally come to the point where, if I have to
uninstall a Norton product, I perform the procedure like a neurosurgeon, methodically going over
every process in order for a smooth hassle free removal.

Click here: WorldStart Wallpaper
http://www.worldstart.com/wallpaper/index.php
Pretty new (and safe to download) wallpaper

v v v v v

I heard that white foods, like white bread and white rice,
are bad for you. Now I eat fried chicken, watermelon,
chitlins, barbeque,...

v v v v v

The Top 8 Things Dogs Do When No One Is Watching

8> Master understanding of commands in French, German and
Japanese, should you decide one day to learn to speak them.

7> Superglue the catflap shut.

6> Get in touch with his "inner cat".

5> Play poker.

4> Skip the steak and just have the salad.

3> Work on thesis.

2> Compose achingly sad love notes to his nads.

and the Number 1 Thing Dogs Do When No One Is Watching...

1> Take owner's keys, drive around, let friends catch the car.

v v v v v

A Classic....

There were these two boys who were always in trouble. Whenever
something bad happened people knew they were behind it.

One day the father of these boys was very upset with their
behavior so he sent the oldest boy to a nearby priest. The
priest asked the boy, "Where is God?"

The boy looked around and didn't answer. So the priest asked
again, "Where is God?" Again, the boy looked around but did not
answer. The priest became very upset at his lack of response and
got in the boy's face, pointed his finger and asked, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy got up and ran from the church. He ran home and took his
brother up to the closet where they always plan out what they
are going to do wrong. The boy that went to see the priest said to
his little brother, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

v v v v v

Click here: Jay-Z Busted in Fake Fur Fiasco
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BY4
Tests carried out by the Humane Society of the United States have found that coats in jackets from Jay-Z's
Rocawear line are made from the fur of raccoon dogs, even though they're been marketed as fake fur.
"It is abhorrent that someone purchasing what they think is 'faux fur' is actually getting fur from a type of dog that
may have been skinned alive," said CEO and president of the animal rights organization, Wayne Pacelle.

Click here: Fans Vs. the Critics - Nickelback
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BY5
If any band today inspires a great gulf between the opinions of pop music critics and pop music
fans, it's Nickelback. A few choice words from some of today's top critics:

v v v v v

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the
ark. Professionals built the Titanic

v v v v v

When I was a kid I told "them" I wanted to be a comedian when I
grew up. Everyone just laughed at me

v v v v v

v v v v v

Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian
Anderson book.

"Miss Figpot?" Little Johnny asked, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e
spell marriage?"

"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should."

v v v v v

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart
cannot count, criticize or laugh.

v v v v v

The Top 7 Complaints of Dog Trainers

7> Thanks to my lisp, "Sit!" command completely wasted.

6> Dogs never get it when you command "Fetch!" sarcastically.

5> Since Rex was neutered, rather than returning to me, he buries all balls.

4> Ferragamo sandals were never designed to dodge lawn mines.

3> The real challenge? Leaving work at work. "Who's a good wife?
Who's a good wife? Atta girl! Good wife! Good!"

2> Do you know how hard it is to get drool stains out of cashmere?

and the Number 1 Complaint of Dog Trainers...

1> Would like one word to tell Spot to "sniff that dog's ass."

v v v v v

Click here: About Dogs - Your Dog's Bizarre Eating Habits and What to do About Them
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BXW
Scarfing food too quickly can be a dangerous choking hazard. You can slow your dog down by spreading his food
around on a cookie sheet, where he can't grab and gulp in a hurry. This really works best with
dry kibble, although I will admit that I haven't tried it with a wet food.
Other things you can try:
Place a large, heavy ball in the middle of your dog's food dish, forcing him to eat around the ball.
Feed him by hand, training him to take things slowly, and not rush through each handful of food.
Show him that no matter how fast eats his mouthful, he still has to wait for the next.

Click here: Living With a Pet Bird
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/9&sdn=birds&cdn=homegarden&tm=33&gps=91_550_1193_850&f=0
0&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//birds.about.com/od/livingwithabird/Living_With_a_Bird.htm
Choosing to own a bird is choosing to share your life with him. Here you will find information
that will help you enjoy every day with your pet!

Click here: Bird Clubs, Societies, and Organizations
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/A&sdn=birds&cdn=homegarden&tm=39&gps=57_565_1193_850&f=0
0&su=p284.5.420.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//birds.about.com/od/birdclubs/
Bird_Clubs_Societies_and_Organizations.htm
Birds of a feather flock together, and bird people are no different. Check the information here to find out about
some of the different bird clubs, societies, and associations, and learn what they do.

Click here: Cleaning Your Bird's Cage
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BXX
Cleaning your bird's cage can at first seem like a tedious chore. With so many bars, cracks, and
crevices to scrub, it can be hard for new bird owners to figure out where to start.
Setting and adhering to a cleaning schedule for your bird's cage is essential to keeping this job as easy
to handle as possible. Beaking the process down into simple tasks to be completed daily, weekly, and monthly
not only saves you time and energy, but ensures that your bird always has a
clean and comfortable cage to live in.

Click here: A Tale of Two Cockies
http://www.juliusbergh.com/cocky/Welcome.html
Such a sweet tale - in pictures too - of two cockatoos

Click here: Top Horse Myths--About Horse Myths
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BXO
There's no doubt about the mystic of horses. They seem to capture our imagination and are a symbol
of strength and freedom. But some things that we believe about horses just aren't true.

Click here: Top Myths and Misconceptions About Cats
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BXP
The world of cat lovers, particularly those who frequent the Internet, abounds with myths and misconceptions about
cats. This list addresses the most common of those myths and states
the true facts about each misconception.

Click here: How much does it cost to own a dog? The Free Puppy Myth
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BXQ
The biggest myth in dog ownership is the "Free Puppy" myth. When you look at the costs of
dog ownership, you'll realize that your "free" puppy wasn't so "free" after all.
Dog ownership costs can vary dependant on the size of your dog, but the
different expenses remain the same.

v v v v v

Why did God invent armadillos?

So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

v v v v v

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I
careered off the road."

v v v v v

Click here: 15 Years of Organizing
http://mso.marthastewart.com/cgi-bin9/DM/y/jhlQ0F7Ccc0WZD0EXfc0Ev
When you know exactly where to find what you need—the spare keys, the garden tools, or a needle and
thread—life seems to hum along more smoothly. For this reason, organizing ideas have always been a feature
of Martha Stewart Living. To celebrate our anniversary, we've collected fifteen ideas that you've told us have been
particularly useful, ones that have helped you to find a place for everything—and keep everything in its place.

15 Years of Cleaning Tips
http://mso.marthastewart.com/cgi-bin9/DM/y/jhlQ0F7Ccc0WZD0EWe70EB
Cleaning plays a special role in making a house look—and feel—like a home. Sinking feet into a freshly
vacuumed carpet or opening the door to a sparkling refrigerator surely counts among life's small and comforting
pleasures. Over the past fifteen years, we've shared many solutions for tackling household tasks, and to our delight,
you've written to tell us how they have made quick (and even satisfying) work of washing windows, waxing furniture,
removing stains, and more. Here, just in time for spring cleaning, are some of our most popular
tips—ones that shine, and make a house shine, too.

v v v v v

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.

The phaonmneel pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearcr at Cmagbride Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers of a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?

Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpelng was ipmorantt!

v v v v v

SIGNS YOUR DENTIST IS CRAZY

1. Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

2. His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"

3. Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

4. Does an extensive search for cavities... dental and body.

5. He licks his tools clean.

6. Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.

7. When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist
that you wore your pants   backwards when you came into his office.

8. Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

9. Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

10. Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at
a bar if you just go out with him.

v v v v v

v v v v v

Two ladies were talking when the first one says, "My cousin
from Alabama is coming to visit me and my family this weekend.

The second lady asks, " Oh really, is she nice?"

The first lady says, "I guess so. I mean, she's sweet and
all, but she's from the only place in the world where
counting is, '1, 2, 3, 4, a whole shitload!' "

v v v v v

Q. Define Kleptopyrohomonecronymphobestiality?

A. Anal sex with a stolen flaming dead raccoon.

v v v v v

Click here: Video - How to Plant an Herb Garden
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1X]/Ym&sdn=gardening&cdn=homegarden&tm=40&gps=40_6_1176_79
9&f=00&tt=37&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//video.about.com/gardening/Herb-Garden.htm
Want to wow your house guests with the freshest homegrown treats in your salads or sauces? This video
demonstrates how to plant an herb garden, so you can have fresh, homegrown, herbs to use in your cooking.

- o -

Tips to keep flowering baskets healthy and attractive:

- Water consistently and abundantly until water runs from
the bottom of the pot.
- Use only soilless planting mixes
- Don't allow plants to wilt. If the basket does dry out
excessively, place the whole pot in a bath full of water
for an hour to reabsorb needed moisture.
- In hot, windy conditions, set pots in well-protected areas
out of the afternoon sun.
- Frequent watering leaches out soil nutrients quickly. This
requires adding water-soluble fertilizer every few weeks.
- Plastic pots do not allow wind to pass through the root
system — so they do not dry out as fast.

v v v v v

A lady got a job at a Zenith TV factory. After a week passed,
she noticed that everyone had a name-tag except her.

She went to her supervisor and asked why she did not have
a name-tag yet.

The supervisor said, "You'll have to see the president for that."

The lady made an appointment and saw the president of
the company. She asked him why she did not yet have a name-tag.

The president stood up, unzipped his pants, let his
thing flop out on the desk and said, "Young lady, do you
see THIS? This here is QUALITY! And here at the Zenith
Corporation, QUALITY goes IN before the name goes on."

v v v v v

Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know
how to get rid of them. He found that there are three options.

1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will
think that there is another crotch to jump off onto.

2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire
and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the
first half.

3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of
milk duds. When the movie is really getting to a point of real
excitement be sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap
so the crabs can eat some of the popcorn. The salt in the
popcorn will make the crabs really thirsty, and they will go
to the lobby to get some water. While they are gone, you get
up and move to another seat.

v v v v v

Document That Problem
Erin - worldstart.com

Have you ever run into a problem with your computer that happened to bring up an error message? I'm sure you have.
You're really lucky if you've never had to deal with that. Well, when that happens, wouldn't it be nice if you could just
capture that error message and send it to someone else so they could help you figure out what's wrong?
It sure would save me quite a few times! Well, lucky for us all, there's a way. Here's how!

Find the Print Screen and Alt buttons on your keyboard and you'll be all set. The PrtScr button is located on the
right hand side of your keyboard right next to the Scroll Lock key. (It's also right beside the F12 key on most keyboards).
If you hit the Alt and PrtScr keys at the same time, your computer will take a "snapshot" of the active window (which
would be the error message). Now, if you want to get a shot of the whole screen, push the Shift key along with the PrtScr key and you'll have it.
Once you have that image captured, you can go and paste it in another program and then send it to your "computer
expert" for advice. You can put it in MS Word, Notepad, Wordpad or even in an e-mail. It's up to you. Once you
have the program you want to put it in open, just hit Ctrl + V to paste the screenshot (or go to Edit, Paste). Along with the image,
you can type out a description of what you were doing when the problem occurred. That will especially help if you're sending
it to someone else to look at. With both the screenshot and the description, they should be able to lead you in the right
direction to get things fixed. Having all of that information documented helps if you have to call
on some professional tech support as well. You gotta love that!

v v v v v

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked.
But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

v v v v v

Down in Alabama a young blonde gets her first period, so
she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection
and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help.

"What kind of pads should I get?" she says. "This is all new to me."

"Well," says the clerk, "that depends on the flow."

She says, "It's ceramic tile."

v v v v v

v v v v v

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to
put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say
if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?"
she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

v v v v v

Asshole (n): The most commonly employed word in American English.
Frequently used by both sides in an argument, more often than not,accurately.

v v v v v

The Top 17 Rejected Prom Themes

17> She's Havin' My Baby (in the Restroom)

16> Pukeapalooza '07

15> Bump and Grind: What're They Gonna Do, Expel You?

14> Stairway to Community College

13> Class of '07: We are the Futchure

12> A Magical Evening in Baghdad

11> What the Hell, It's Prom -- Drink *and* Drive Tonight!

10> Our Future Is Crepe

9> Nine Months Till Motherhood!

8> A Taste of Paris -- and Lindsay and Britney and Nicole
and Mischa!

7> Havin' a Nappy-Headed Hoedown!

6> Our Secret Night on Brokeback Mountain

5> Save the Lap Dance for Me

4> A Night to Remember Where I Left My Underwear

3> Last Chance for Revenge Killings

2> Suburban White Kidz in da Hizzle!

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Prom Themes...

1> The Night Before the Morning-After Pill

v v v v v

Talkin' the Radiology Talk

Medical specialists often have their very own language. For
example, radiologists use the following terms to describe
specific radiological tests:

X-ray: A picture created by exposing the body to ionizing
radiation (radiation that can separate the atoms that make up any
individual molecule)

Fluoroscope: A device that shows a real-time image created by
X-rays passing through the body

Cineradiography: A technique that produces an X-ray moving
picture of an organ or system such as the gastrointestinal tract
at work

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And research shows this mighty mineral helps control blood pressure.
Here's a yummy trail-mix recipe with dried apricots.

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Is your middle just middle-of-the-road? Take a detour with this torso-toning exercise.
First, grab an exercise ball. Using an exercise ball for stomach toning gives you stronger muscles
than if you did the exercises on the floor. Plus, you get bonus benefits, like better balance.
Now, follow these three easy "Ab Curl" steps:

v v v v v

SOUTHWEST SALAD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
8 oz Mozzarella cheese
1 15-ounce can garbanzo beans
1 15-ounce can black beans
1 15-ounce can red kidney beans, rinsed and drained
1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved
1 red or yellow sweet bell pepper, chopped
1 cup green onions, sliced
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
2 cloves garlic, minced
3/4 cup Italian dressing
1/4 cup fresh lime juice
1 tablespoon chili powder

DIRECTIONS:
Cut cheese in small chunks. Combine with remaining
ingredients in a quart bowl. Refrigerate 2 hours or
more (up to 2 days). Keep chilled until serving time.

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say
"I love you," even if explicitly asked todo so. The only
exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act
of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the
exception. When making love, I explained, men will say
anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what
he thinks you want to hear."

A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were
in bed making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'."

He said, "I love you."

I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."

He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

"So I slapped him."

v v v v v

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When rednecks win the lottery

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: CBS | Late Show with David Letterman : Video
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Top 10 Ways Paris Hilton is Preparing for Jail

v v v v v

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say
hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everything was-a perfect except for da train a ride down."

What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautiful
Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with Vino and cigars for a me,
and a we were looking a "forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta
hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, "no
eat in dese'a car. Must'a use a dining car."

So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a
biga lunch and begin to open da bottle of Vino!

Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, "No drink'a
in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car, so we go to club'a car.

While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The
conductor, he wag'a his finger agin and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car.
Must'a go to da smoker car." so we go to da smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car and'a
go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a
through da car corridor shouting at top of his voice,

"NO'FOLK'A, VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"

v v v v v

"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the
young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"
the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people
just call me Tyrone."

v v v v v

v v v v v

Rosie O'Donnell left "The View" suddenly last
   week following her worst clash yet with co-host
   Elisabeth Hasselbeck. It was weeks ahead of her
planned departure, which was announced several
   weeks ago in the wake of other high-profile
battles she had with Donald Trump and Kelly Ripa.
   At last -- our long national nightmare is over.

The Top 6 Things on Rosie O'Donnell's To-Do List

6> Finally take care of that unsightly stubble.

5> Stick a few more pins in that Hasselbeck voodoo doll and
re-bury it *40* feet deep.

4> Call Dan Aykroyd; see if he's up for "Exit to Eden II."

3> Make up with Donald Trump and braid each other's hair.

2> Spend some time getting Anne Heche back into the "fold."

and the Number 1 Thing on Rosie O'Donnell's To-Do List...

1> Go to Malawi and adopt any orphans that Angelina and Madonna
haven't already snapped up.

v v v v v

If you find yourself pleased that you locate
more balls in the rough than you actually have lost,
your focus is totally wrong and your personality might
not be right for golf...it is also just a matter
of time before the IRS investigates your business.

v v v v v

Click here: PC World - 35 Things Every PC User Should Know
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Safeguard Your Cell Phone Data With a Backup

Increasingly, people have essential data stored on a fragile, easily misplaced communications device
that they carelessly toss around. Here's how to back up the data on your cell phone.
First, check your handset's manual or product Web page: A backup program designed specifically for that phone
may be available for download. For phones with a USB charger, connect the handset to your PC via a USB cable
with a mini-USB plug on one end. Use the software you find on the vendor's site to
back up contact information to your PC.

v v v v v

A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked
the store manager how much it was he said "I am blind drop it on the
ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the ground."Aahh that's $10.00."

She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really
wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it.

"That will be $20.00"

"But you said $10.00"

"$10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call."

v v v v v

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered,
and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed,
"one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats
and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast
as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants
couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone
that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to
make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot
calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several
packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought
you said there was nothing to worry about."

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."

v v v v v

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v v v v v

The Top 16 Children's Stories Written by Ruthless Killers

16> The Cat in the Hat Gets Whacked

15> The Neverending Gory

14> Horton Hears a Who Beg for Its Worthless Life

13> The Slaughterhouse at Pooh Corner

12> Harry Potter and the Suspicious Mounds of Dirt

11> Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea in a Concrete Vest

10> Say "Goodnight," Moon

9> Curious George and the Body in the Spare Freezer

8> The Punk in the Trunk

7> The Little Chainsaw That Could

6> Peter Pain

5> Jeffrey Dahmer and the Order of the Phoemur (Lightly Braised
with Caramelized Onions and Sprigs of Mint and Parsley)

4> Chop Up Pop

3> It's a Skull Saw, Charlie Brown!

2> Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Stop Twitching?

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Children's
Story Written by a Ruthless Killer...

1> Heather Has Two Machetes

v v v v v

This Chinese tourist traveling in New York City goes up to his tenth
New Yorker and says [with a Chinese accent.

"Excuse me, but could you tell me direction to Carnegie Hall or should
I fuck off?"

v v v v v

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The Windows Update feature notifies you of the latest updates and bug fixes for the Windows XP operating system
directly from the Microsoft Web site. To launch the Windows Update, you click the Start menu, point
at the All Programs button, and then click Windows Update in the Programs menu.
As soon as you click select Windows Update on this menu, Windows gets you online and
connects you to the Windows Update Web page on the Microsoft Web site.
To have your computer checked out to see whether you're in need of some updated
Windows components, follow these steps:

v v v v v

Did you hear about the two gay guys that where dancing when one said to the other,
"Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?"

The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"

v v v v v

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's
new car.Suddenly, some jerk pulls in front of them. The blonde then
puts her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are
you doing?!"

The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn"

v v v v v

THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO.

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life
saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST
Subject: Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.
If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your
mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112
and the mobile will search any existing network to
establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly
this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
Try it out.

SECOND
Subject: Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come
in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If
you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at
home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your
cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your
car door and have the person at your home press the unlock
button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end.
Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive
your keys to you.
Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away,
and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote"
for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it
unlocked our car over a cell phone!"

THIRD
Subject: Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press
the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve
and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery.
This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell
next time.

FOURTH
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the
following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number
is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it
somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can
phone your service provider and give them this code.
They will then be able to block your handset so even
if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least
you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people
stealing mobile phones.

And Finally....

FIFTH
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or
more for 411 information calls when they don't have to.
Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our
vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a
problem. When you need to use the 411 information option,
simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without
incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell
phone now.

v v v v v

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not," she said.

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the
maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she
handed over the money.

"Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

v v v v v

v v v v v

"New Scientist magazine reported that in the future cars could
be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an
eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah,
I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and
Faberge eggs."

Jimmy Fallon

v v v v v

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion,
the bride's Granddaddy slipped her ten $100 bills and told her
that it was for her and to keep it for 'mad money', so she
stuffed them in her gloves.

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together
in their historic plantation house. Later that night, after all
the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking
down the stairs and asked where she was going.

"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important
that I have them."

"Oh, you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march
yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing
with your bare hands just like I did your Granddaddy's."

v v v v v

Miami is one heck of a multifaceted city. Biscayne Bay ripples in the sunset as the last speedboats come
home for the night. Little Havana tickles the air with the intoxicating fragrance of paella. And South Beach always
sways with nighttime rhythms. This is as chic as Florida gets. With the exception of theme parks and
Mouse-ka-things, you can find just about everything worth finding in Florida in Miami.

Top attractions

Miami is full of interesting places to visit, and no matter what your preference — a day spent touring
museums or one strolling through gardens of exceptional beauty, for example — you
will find something here that will hold your attention.

Biscayne National Park. Mangroves, coral reefs, and tiny keys form this 181,000-acre refuge, most of which is
occupied by water. Hikers love the 1-1/2- and 7-mile trails through Elliott Key's hardwood hammocks and mangroves,
but you have to hitch a boat ride from Biscayne National Underwater Park . Other possibilities include renting a canoe ($9 an hour),
taking a glass-bottom boat tour ($24.95 adults, $19.95 seniors, $16.95 kids under 12), going on a snorkeling trip ($35 including gear),
and scuba diving ($54 for a two-tank dive including tanks). Reservations are recommended for boat tours. With the time it takes to reach the park, allow all day to see it.
Coral Castle. Lovesick Latvian Edward Leedskalnin moved to Miami in 1923 and spent 25 years chipping away at huge
boulders to make a palace for his 15-year-old, would-be bride. This 100-pound, 5-foot-tall man moved rocks that weighed 35 tons,
but he couldn't move the love of his life. She was a no show. Plan to spend 1-1/2 to 2 hours.
Everglades Alligator Farm. Take a noisy airboat tour of a spread that's home to more than 3,000 big sets
of choppers. See live alligator and snake shows that run continuously. Allow 4-1/2 to 5 hours, including the 2-hour-round-trip drive from downtown Miami.
Miami Metrozoo. This 290-acre, sparsely landscaped complex is about 45 minutes from Miami proper and the beaches
but worth the trip. Isolated and never really crowded, it's also completely cageless — animals are kept at bay by cleverly
designed moats. Favorite denizens include the Komodo dragons and white Bengal tiger. This is a fantastic spot
to take younger kids (older ones seem bored here). There's also a petting zoo and kids playground. At a comfortable pace, you can see the zoo in 4 hours.
Miami Museum of Science & Space Transit Planetarium. This is the final — and only — frontier for sci-fi fans,
with more than 140 hands-on exhibits that explore the universe. It's a combination museum, planetarium, and wildlife
center, where many of the demos involve audience participation that can be fun for adults
and children alike. Allow 3 to 4 hours, depending on how long you want to play.
Miami Seaquarium. If you've been to SeaWorld in Olrando, you'll be disappointed with Miami's version, which is considerably
smaller and not as well maintained. You'll need at least 3 hours to tour the park and see all four daily shows starring
a number of ocean mammals, or you can cut your visit short by limiting your shows to the better, albeit corny, Flipper Show
and Killer Whale Show. The highly regarded Water and Dolphin Exploratoin Program (WADE) allows visitors to touch
and swim with dolphins. The program costs $140 per person. Children must be at least 52 inches tall to participate.
Monkey Jungle. No cages restrain the primates as they swing, chatter, and play their way into your heart (and nose!).
Screened-in trails wind through acres of "jungle," and daily shows feature the park's most talented pupils. People who go
here aren't just monkeying around, many are scientists and anthropologists.

v v v v v

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining
about how coffee made him nervous.

I asked him, "Why don't you quit drinking coffee?"

He replied, "Because if I didn't have the shakes, I wouldn't get any
exercise at all."

v v v v v

A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the employees
who worked for him.

One day he came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large
wad of the firm's cash.

The contractor asked the man, "Where did you get your financial
training, young man?"

"Yale," the man answered.

"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate of higher learning.
"What's your name?" he asked.

"Yackson," came the reply.

v v v v v

Lord give me the strength to do some
stuff, the courage to do some other
stuff, and the wisdom to do some other
stuff. And also a better memory.
(The Covert Comic)

They say beauty is only skin deep,
but it still seems cruel to say
someone is ugly. I prefer to use the
less-hurtful "epidermically challenged."
(Phil Garding)


Someone bought me a college decal for my
car, but it doesn't match my car's color,
so I'm going back to school, to a school
with colors that match my car. I just hope
I graduate before my car breaks down.
(TidewaterJoe)

v v v v v

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow,
"Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long.
You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live
for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you."
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "You are
supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people
that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."

The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I
give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey,
"Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do
monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and
tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back."
So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to
sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you
need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you
a 20 year life span."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing?
Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way,
man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years,
and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10
years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?"

So God agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY...

In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much.

For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family.

For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey
faces and monkey tricks.

And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and
bark at people!

v v v v v

*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net

v v v v v

His Lordship awoke with an all too infrequent
feeling of virility and joyfully announced his
condition to his valet. Impressed, the servant
asked, "Shall I notify M'lady?"

"No, just hand me my baggy tweeds," replied his
Lordship. "I shall smuggle this one into town."

v v v v v

The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to
let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.

v v v v v

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far
from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a
mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

v v v v v

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v v v v v

A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to
the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in
lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAA-AAA-AAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become
disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales
clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything
for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

v v v v v

An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an
elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock -- one
hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just
heard they were going to split.

"Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that.
And, they've been together for so long too."

v v v v v

v v v v v

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

A judge sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail
   for violating her probation. She will not be allowed
any work release, furloughs, use of an alternative
jail or any electronic monitoring in lieu of jail.

   The poor thing! Let's kick her while she's down!

The Top 17 Things Overheard in Paris Hilton's Jail

17> "What do you mean there are no boys? What do you girls do for fun around here?"

16> "What? No cameras allowed for the strip search?"

15> "Where's the f***ing mint on my f***ing pillow? For that
   matter, where's my f***ing pillow?!?"

14> "I am *not* on a hunger strike. If I walk out of here weighing
   more than Nicole, I'll be the laughing stock of both coasts!"

13> "What do you mean, no sanitary toilet seat covers?"

12> "I have to pee without a door for privacy? I haven't been
   this exposed since... well, never mind."

11> "This orange jumpsuit doesn't work for me. I'm more of
   a winter. Could I get a mauve, in a size two?"

10> "Listen, lady, I've seen files, drugs and all kinds of other
   things -- but a *Chihuahua* baked in a cake?"

9> "Live everyday like it's your birthday, huh? Wax my back,
   bitch! And happy birthday!"

8> "You know, I've never seen that delouser not work on an inmate before."

7> "What's a girl got to do to get a decent Monte Cristo in here?
   ... Ewww, really? Well, OK."

6> "It's bad enough they make me sandpaper the mop handles, but
   do the guards have to stand around and watch?"

5> "No, Paris, that's not a mint on your pillow -- it's someone's ear."

4> "Good news, Paris: You're getting a Brazilian today. Meet your
   new cellmate, Fernanda."

3> "We'll have Paris, all ways."

2> "You can make wine with ketchup and fruit juice? That's hot!"

   and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing
   Overheard in Paris Hilton's Jail...

1> "You want to toss my salad tonight? Wow, did I get lucky when
   they assigned me to your cell!"

v v v v v

TASTY N' SIMPLE BEER BREAD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
3 cups self-rising flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 12-ounce can of beer (or soda)

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly grease a 9x5x3-inch
loaf pan with butter. Combine all ingredients, mixing well.
Pour into prepared loaf pan and bake for 1 hour. Makes 1 loaf.

v v v v v

Click here: History On-Line - Home Page
http://www.history.ac.uk/search/
History On-Line is a section of the Institute of Historical Research (IHR) website. It provides information
resources for the teaching and learning of history. There are currently over 40,000 records providing details
of books and articles, UK university lecturers (teachers), UK current and past research (theses),
and evaluated links to history-related websites.

Click here: Top Five Most Dangerous Roads - About Web Search Best Web Site of the Day
http://websearch.about.com/od/bestsitesimagegalleries/ig/Best-
Web-Sites-April-2007/Top-Five-Most-Dangerous-Roads.htm

Click here: Instructables: step-by-step collaboration
http://www.instructables.com/
Get step by step instructions on a wide variety of DIY projects at Instructables; you can find
anything from birdhouses to remote-controlled vacuum cleaners here.

Click here: Modern architecture - Los Angeles photo gallery
http://you-are-here.com/modern/index.html
Stunning photographs of Los Angeles architecture dating back to 1805
at You-Are-Here, a site full of hundreds of LA architecture photos.

Click here: Best Celebrity Blogs
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Duc
Are you always up on the latest celebrity dish? Do you enjoy standing in long checkout lines so
you can peruse the gossip rags? Do you care what your favorite stars are wearing? If so,
you’ll probably be interested in reading the latest celebrity blogs.

Click here: Memo To Me - Free Reminder Service
http://www.memotome.com/
Memo to Me is the Internet's #1 reminder service. Join today and never miss a birthday, anniversary,
or appointment again! Best of all, it's FREE!

Click here: Pinky Strings - Things to Help You Remember
http://www.pinkystrings.com/
You have so much to remember already. How could you possibly remember even one more thing?
With your busy and stressful life, the last thing you need is another nagging reminder. You need a cute,
warm and fuzzy friend to gently help you remember. You deserve cute reminders from Pinky Strings.
This website is BRAND NEW and Pinky is out scouring the internet for for you. New information and
products to help you remember will be added as they are discoverd.
If you are looking for cute things to help you remember, please subscribe here for website updates.

Click here: Mapwing - Create Virtual Tours for Free
http://www.mapwing.com/create.php
Mapwing Basic lets you build an unlimited number of Basic virtual tours for Free, then share these with friends,
family, and the entire world. Mapwing Basic virtual tours include up to 20 points per tour, an interactive map, and comment
area. You can link to your virtual tours and chat with other Mapwing users in the Public gallery.
Mapwing Basic Features:
Share your home, trip, or favorite spot with other people via the Web
Create virtual tours from photos, placed or drawn maps, and your comments
Browse a gallery of virtual tours from around the world
Connect with a growing network of Mapwing users

Click here: Neighboroo - Neighborhood Information for Real Estate and Marketing
http://www.neighboroo.com/
Google-map wise to the location of your choice for information on lifestyle, politics, crime, elementary
school rank, air quality, home prices, apartment rent, cost of living, commute time, household income, tax
rates, unemployment, population density, race and ethnic origin. Neighbor is free in Beta form


v v v v v

"I tell ya, I get no respect from anyone! I bought
a cemetery plot. The salesman said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"

Rodney Dangerfield

v v v v v

A Japanese scientist has invented a spray-on Viagra. And if you thought the
cosmetic clerks at the mall were annoying before when they spritzed you.

v v v v v

One of my elderly women neighbors was held up in by a dark allley on her way
home from a church bingo game.

She tried to plead with the robber that she had no money, but he insisted
that it must be in her bra and started feeling around. Not finding any
money, he placed his hand in her panties and felt around there.

"I told you I haven't got any money." the lady said. "But if you keep doing
that, I'll write you a check."

v v v v v

Sour Apple Summer In The City
1 oz Vodka
1 oz Sour Apple Schnapps
1/2 lemonade mix
1/2 ice tea
ice (shake) rocks

Southern Bondage
Fill hurricane glass with ice.
2 shot 3 of southern comfort
1 1/2 shots of peach schnapps
1/2 shot of triple sec
Fill remainder with cranberry juice

v v v v v

A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere,
tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web,
nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same
room in very nearly the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death. After a few
days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his
hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself
and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two
before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly
pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones,
"Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In
another couple of days they were at it again.

Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to
cough out, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

"Cancer", said Jim.

"...Scorpio," replied Paddy.

v v v v v

Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size
that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those
fucking flaps to open!

v v v v v

by deb

Complications: A Surgeon's Notes on an Imperfect Science
by Atul Gawande

In vivid accounts of true cases, surgeon Atul Gawande explores the power and the limits of medicine, offering an
unflinching view from the scalpel’s edge. Complications lays bare a science not in its idealized form
but as it actually is—uncertain, perplexing, and profoundly human.

I usually enjoy books like these and this one was definitely not a disappointment! It's very
interesting to see how physician's feel towards their work and patients. I
recommend this book!

v v v v v

Little Johnny was with his mom as she was driving her old beat up car
on the Highway. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying
by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the
road she looked at her speedometer to see she is doing 15 miles over the speed
limit. Slowing down she moved over to the side and got out of the clump
that left her in the dirt. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of
a police car.

Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do!
It's because you couldn't catch the other cars."

v v v v v

The highway patrolman was sitting behind the billboard eating a donut
when he saw a blonde running by with a bicycle.

He stopped her and said,
"Miss, why are you running alongside that bicycle?"

To which the blonde replied, "It's going too fast to get on!"

v v v v v

Click here: Your Wi-Fi can tell people a lot about you | Tech News on ZDNet
http://news.zdnet.com/2100-1009_22-6163666.html
Simply booting up a Wi-Fi-enabled laptop can tell people sniffing wireless network traffic a lot about your
computer and about you. Soon after a computer powers up, it starts looking for wireless networks and network
services. Even if the wireless hardware is then shut-off, a snoop may already have caught interesting data.
Much more information can be plucked out of the air if the computer is connected to an access point, in particular an access point without
security. "You're leaking all kinds of information that an attacker can use," David Maynor, chief technology officer at
Errata Security, said Thursday in a presentation at the Black Hat DC event here. "If the government was taking
this information from you, people would be up in arms. Yet you're leaking this voluntarily using your laptop at the airport."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.

v v v v v

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”

Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It’s official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am now officially the smallest person in the world.”

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says. “Who is Hillary Clinton?

v v v v v

Joe was visiting the Vatican and went to see the Sistine Chapel.

The tour guide told him that it took four years to paint the ceiling. Joe said,
"Yeah, I used to have a landlord like that myself."

v v v v v

*borrowed from*
shiny@shinyhappyhead.com

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "I am just remembering when we
first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.......

"I would have gotten out today."

v v v v v

The Top 9 Responses To "What Else Is New?"

9> New! New! New! It's always about New Isn't it?

8> Your breast implants?

7> York, Amsterdam, Jersey, Kids on the Block, Wave, Tella --
shall I go on, Mr. Nosy Numbnuts?

6> The sudden urge I have to pound your face in... that's pretty new.

5> Your wife, on this website here... oh wait, did you say "new" or "nude"?

4> My penile implant. Wanna shake hands with the new and improved Mr. Stroganoff?

3> The images of Lady and the Tramp I just had tattooed on each
of my buttcheeks. Wanna see them eat a strand of spaghetti?

2> I caught a cane toad but it gave me warts. On the plus side,
I'm now naturally ribbed for her pleasure.

and the Number 1 Response To "What Else Is New?"...

1> The dog ate my balls in my sleep. Can I borrow one of yours?

v v v v v

Click here: Recipe4Living - Cheeseburger Meatloaf
http://link.yourrecipefortoday.com/s/lt?id=9240911&si=x142823417&pc=i2011&ei=l119621
This meatloaf is extremely juicy, and the potential variety of different flavors is as big as your imagination. Try
American cheese with ketchup and mustard on top and serve with dill pickle chips. Another
option might be Swiss cheese and mushroom topping.

Click here: Recipe4Living - Zucchini "Crab" Cakes
http://link.yourrecipefortoday.com/s/lt?id=g240060&si=x142823417&pc=i2011&ei=k119152
Prepared in the same way as crab cakes, these zucchini cakes are actually vegetarian.

Click here: Recipe4Living - Sweet Potato Chips
http://link.yourrecipefortoday.com/s/lt?id=r239156&si=x142823417&pc=i2011&ei=r118943
is not just your ordinary recipe for potato chips, this is how you make those fantastic
sweet potato chips that you order at certain restaurants.

v v v v v

A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed
some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be
stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd
hired someone to *guard* them!

In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet

v v v v v

A frantic guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Buddy,
please, can you loan me a hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident and I
need to get her to the hospital."

The stranger says, "If you so desperately need a hundred dollars, what are
you doing in a casino"?

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

v v v v v

Click here: About.com: http://www.weatherpop.com/
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ&sdn=macs&cdn=compute&tm=11&gps=10_275_1193_850&
f=00&su=p284.5.420.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.weatherpop.com/
Are you bleary eyed from staring into bright white phosphor all day? Download WeatherPop Advance for Mac
OS X only and you can be in touch with what it's like outside right now. Let the current conditions and temperature
in your menu bar serve as a gentle reminder to get outside, go for a walk, and stop working so hard.

Click here: Apple Macintosh Smartphone - Using a Treo Smartphone with a Mac
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3AOd
Treo Smartphone owners who are also Mac users encounter difficulties integrating their Palm and Mac
files and programs. These resources and applications will help you use your Treo with a Mac.

v v v v v

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the
ground. The sign reads:

"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should
just say 'Bridge Out'"?

v v v v v

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and
a telephone pole?

A: A 30 foot cock that wants to reach out and
touch someone.

v v v v v

What is a redneck?

To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South.

To somebody in the South, it is anybody in Mississippi.

To a person in Mississippi it is somebody who lives in a mobile home.

To somebody in MS living in a mobile home, it is a guy who drives a pickup.

To a MS guy in a trailer house who drives a pickup, it is a guy
who drives a pickup with a Dale Earnhart decal on it.

To a MS guy in a trailer house with a decal of Dale Earnhart on
his pickup, a redneck is somebody who drives around with his
dog in the back of the truck.

And to a MS guy driving around in his Dale Earnhart pickup with
his dog in the back, a redneck is a guy who puts Coca Cola in
his morning coffee.

v v v v v

Click here: Coop's Toons Someone Else
http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons15/s-else.htm

Click here: Grandma Scrotum's Sex Tips! Sex Advice for women, humor.
http://www.grandmascrotum.com/sex_tips.htm
Grandma Scrotum's Sex Tips

Click here: Coop's Toons Stunt Woman
http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons13/stuntwmn.htm

Click here: Pillow Talk
http://www.grin-reaper.com/pillow.talk.htm

Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1080.html

Click here: How to Perform Safer Oral Sex
http://wso.williams.edu/orgs/peerh//sex/safesex/oralsex.html

v v v v v

Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control

v v v v v

Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind

v v v v v

©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

v v v v v

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