Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
READ!
Tired of the endless drivel on TV? Be sure and check my book reviews each
week and maye
something will look interesting to you! Reading takes you to another world!
If
you're just dying for the Vista look, and have the courage to deal with a scary
installation, grab a copy of Vista
Transformation Pack 6. It makes XP look, feel, and to some extent, act like
Vista using icons, themes, a docking bar,
and a new clock. It uninstalls like any other application, but make sure to
set a Restore Point just in case. Note: The
installation on this program is tricky and not for those with a weak stomach.
If you have problems feel free
to contact the developer. You'll find this in the DOWNLOAD section
Wondering what the nine "most expensive diseases" are in the USA? Check
out the links in the HEALTH section
If you love movies like I do then you might like this site. The top 50
movie endings of all time are here
Most of the films here are classics that you've probably seen several times
over - and you'll
find the link in the SURFIN section
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
"Keep up the good work. I enjoy your work and dedication.
Joe"
joeboy118@yahoo.com
v
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a
pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
"Don't let them intimidate you.
Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice,
and asked him what he should do.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding night. Her mother said, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown
that goes right up to your neck and wool socks."
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your most
sexy negligee,
with a V-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"
"It doesn't matter what you wear; you're going to get screwed."
v
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*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the
? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them
out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in
my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow."
v
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*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here:
http://www.angelfire.com/on4/prissn1/NoOrdinaryLove.html
http://www.angelfire.com/on4/prissn1/NoOrdinaryLove.html
2. Click here: Better
Life
http://www.minibite.com/romance/betterlife.htm
Click here: AltDesire – The
Quality Dating Service
http://www.altdesire.com/register.php
Your first step on the path to meeting that someone special is to complete our
quick, free sign-up process.
Please enter details about yourself in the form below. Then complete your profile,
describing yourself and what you're
looking for in a partner. Next, you may want to upload photos – experience shows
that profiles with photos get
up to ten times as much attention as those without. Get started!
v
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So the other day, I was naked with a finger wedged
deep in my ear and snacking on rice cakes soaked in
soy sauce while balancing on one foot on a pyramid
of
delicate china cups and saucers, and I thought
to myself, "Oh my God, I've become my father!"
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PATROTIC POTATO SALAD
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 pound blue potatoes
1/2 pound Yukon gold or creamer potatoes
1/2 pound red potatoes
1 tablespoon salt
1/4 tablespoon white wine vinegar
2 tablespoons grated onion
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
2/3 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons finely chopped oregano
1 tablespoon capers
DIRECTIONS:
Place potatoes in large saucepan; add water to cover. Stir
in 1-tablespoon salt. Bring to a boil over high heat;
educe heat to medium. Cook 20 minutes or until tender.
Drain; let cool. Cut into quarters. Place in large bowl.
In small bowl, combine vinegar, onion, mustard, one-half
teaspoon salt and pepper; pour over potatoes; toss. Add
olive oil, oregano and capers; gently toss again. Salad
may be served slightly warm. Salad can be prepared up to
24 hours ahead. Cover and refrigerate. Bring to room
temperature before serving.
Yield: 8 servings
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As a Sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time excersises.
Once, I was seated
next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet, sad and looked a
bit pale so I
struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
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Clean
and Tidy PCs
You're not going to save much energy by keeping the insides of your PC clean.
But you can definitely increase its life span by getting the
dust (technically known as schmutz) off the fans and removing crud from the
CPU's heat sink fans. Start by reading my print column, "Top
Tips for a Cleaner, Faster Computer":
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,128142/article.html?tk=nl_sbxcol
I always run out of space in my print column, so I wasn't able to talk about
monitors and keyboards.
De-Schmutz the Keyboard
My keyboard's always catching dust, bread crumbs, and unidentifiable schmutz.
To get rid of all this stuff I take it outside and blast it
with a can of air. I have an Avant Stellar keyboard and it has four screws on
the bottom. I remove the screws, detach the keyboard from
the case, and use the air can there, too. You might want to try this if you
have the courage--and the handyman skills. I also use a tissue
and rubbing alcohol to remove the grime that builds up on the keys.
For more ideas, read Stan Miastkowski's excellent step-by-step:
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,112041/article.html?tk=nl_sbxcol
I've never done it, but some readers recommend that if you spill
beer--or any other liquid--on your keyboard, try popping it into the
dishwasher:
http://plasticbugs.com/index.php?p=263
While I'm on the subject, here's a good site to tuck away if you ever
have trouble removing keys from your keyboard:
http://www.hopstudios.com/nep/unvarnished/item/how_to_remove_a_key_from_your_keyboard.html
Clean the Display
For monitors, you can watch the "Keep Your Screen Clean" video:
http://www.pcworld.com/digitalduo/video/101-0/video.html?nl_sbxduo
Me? I follow the advice I found on Lenovo's ThinkPad site:
1. To clean, gently wipe the LCD with a dry, lint-free soft cloth.
2. If a stain remains on the LCD, moisten the cloth with water or a
50-50 mixture of isopropyl alcohol and clean water.
3. Wipe the display with the moist cloth; do not let any liquid drip into the
computer.
4. Let the LCD dry before closing the lid.
For even more tips, take a look at the "Complete PC Preventive Maintenance
Guide":
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,116583/article.html?tk=nl_sbxcol
Dig This: Bugs aren't your bag, eh? But I'll bet the Strange New Products site
will get your attention. You'll find useful gadgets (a
Velcro snake to clear drains) and just plain weird stuff (doggie diapers). [Note
to the extra-sensitive: There's some racy stuff here.]
http://www.strangenewproducts.com
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My husband and I, both seniors, are always teasing each other about the symptoms
of old age...
needing stronger glasses, aches and pains, forgetfulness. One morning my husband
was grumbling that
he couldn't find one of his socks, then there was a pause.
“You found it?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied sheepishly. “I put both on the same foot.”
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The
Top 9 Signs Your Podiatrist Is Faking It
9> He thinks Morton's neuroma has something to do with your
excessive salt intake.
8> His recommendation for your athlete's foot? Amputation,
before it spreads.
7> She prescribes Nickelodeon "Moon Boots", claiming they're good
for restoring spinal Feng Shui.
6> He tells you that your heel spurs will come in handy next time
you ride a horse.
5> Your prescription for orthopedic shoes is a bar napkin with
"Nike Shox prn" written on it.
4> When you ask him about metatarsal damage, and he tells you to
roll a twenty-sider for a save.
3> She insists that your iPod sounds just fine.
2> He giggles like a loon every time someone says "phalanges".
and the Number 1 Sign Your Podiatrist Is Faking It...
1> Your insurance company just told you that "he's *so* not
gellin'" isn't a covered condition.
v
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*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: My
Wonderful Friend
http://asandboxgreeting.com/mywonderfulfriend.html
2. Click here:
So Little Time
http://asandboxgreeting.com/solittletime.html
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click
here: Garden of Life's Emotions by Franicne
http://poetry-emotion.com/With_Love_To_Lorraine/Thank_You.html
v
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I went looking for a rest room and found two doors
with pictures of dogs on them. I was completely baffled,
so I searched out the manager and admitted that I couldn't
tell the difference between the male dog and the female dog.
"That's not the idea," the manager smiled and said.
"One dog is a pointer, and the other is a setter."
v
v v v v
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in
two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned
alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is
going to steal Henry."
v
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Click here: Check Engine
Light I Hate You!
http://autorepair.about.com/b/a/000005.htm
There's nothing more irritating than the amber glow of your Check Engine light
staring at you from
the dashboard. Maybe it's something serious, maybe it's your car with a case
of the hiccups. How is
one to know what to do?There was a time not long ago that anything lighting
up on the dashboard was a
sign of serious trouble. Driver's Ed instructors told us, "If that red light
right there comes on,
you better dive for the side of the road. You'd be better off hittin' an oak
tree than drive with that light
on." He was known for exaggeration, but there was truth underneath the hyperbole.
If you saw
any of the lights come on, pull over and call the tow truck.
v
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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously
imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come
into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known
you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink
before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the
man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,
smiles, and then slurs, ..."Not anymore! He is!"
v
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What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
v
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Click
here: Download details: Microsoft USB Flash Drive Manager (Standard)
http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/details.aspx?FamilyID=94991901-bfc4-485e-bcae-c9df0accdaae&DisplayLang=en
Remember when we used floppy disks to store data? They’re well on their way
to the graveyard of dead technology
.USB drives are so much more convenient. You can attach one to your keys or
slip one in your pocket. And they
can hold gigabytes of data.In fact, I rarely use CDs for data anymore, thanks
to my thumb drives. There is a
drawback to USB drives, though: Since they store so much data, organization
can be tough.I use Microsoft’s free Flash Drive
Manager. It names USB drives and helps you back them up to your computer. If
you use a USB drive, you need this program!
PC
World - PC World Downloads - Steganos LockNote
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,62583/description.html?tk=nl_hsxdwn
Keep your confidential info under wraps and well-encrypted with this secure
notepad program.
Everybody has a secret. Keep your passwords and personal information safe from
prying eyes with LockNote.
This program works like Notepad, but it adds password protection and strong
AES 256-bit encryption. To
open a LockNote file, double-click in and type in your password. Anyone who
doesn't have the password is locked out.
If you'd like to lock up your existing text files, you can drag and drop them
into LockNote to secure them.
Click
here: PC World - PC World Downloads - Vista Transformation Pack
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,64389/description.html?tk=nl_Top10Get
the Vista look, but beware of hairy install.
If
you're just dying for the Vista look, and have the courage to deal with a scary
installation, grab a copy of Vista
Transformation Pack 6. It makes XP look, feel, and to some extent, act like
Vista using icons, themes, a docking bar,
and a new clock. It uninstalls like any other application, but make sure to
set a Restore Point just in case.
Note: The installation on this program is tricky and not for those with
a weak stomach.
If you have problems feel free to contact the developer.
*submitted by*
FLR2D2
Click
here: PC World - PC World Downloads - Houscall
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,64500/description.html?tk=nl_Top10
A free online scanner that checks your system for viruses, spyware, worms, and
other malware.
2. Click
here: Free Virus Scan - Kaspersky Lab
http://usa.kaspersky.com/services/free-virus-scanner.php
Our free online virus scanner is a great way to find out if you have any viruses
or spyware on your machine without
having to uninstall your current antivirus software or install a new one. Most
importantly, you can see what viruses
your current antivirus software let slip through! You just need to be online
and using Internet Explorer.
3. Click here: F-Secure
Support pages: F-Secure Online Virus Scanner
http://support.f-secure.com/enu/home/ols.shtml
-Secure Online Virus Scanner is a free service. Use it to find out if your computer
is infected and disinfect your computer if needed.
The size of the download package is about 18 megabytes including databases.
4. Click here: Free
online Trojan Scanner - Scan your system for Trojans
http://www.windowsecurity.com/trojanscan/
Trojan horses are a huge security threat. A Trojan is a program that enters
your computer undetected, giving
the attacker who planted the Trojan unrestricted access to the data stored on
your computer. Trojans can
transmit credit card information and other confidential data in the background.
Trojans are often not caught by virus scanning engines,
because these are focused on viruses, not Trojans. Catching such threats would
require the use of a
Trojan scanner (a.k.a Trojan cleaner, Trojan remover, anti-Trojan).
v
v v v v
Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in an
afro -- a large bush-style hairdo -- to show support for civil rights.
One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced that
he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing,
sneered, "Great... just great... now during foreplay I'll have to
look for a needle in a haystack."
v
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The
Top 16 Worst College Mascots
(Part
I)
16> Penn State Fightin' Amish
15> Palmer Chiropractic College Spinal Crackers
14> UNLV Conveniently Located ATMs
13> Liberty University Frying Falwells
12> Rice Pilafs
11> Mississippi Grand Wizards
10> Harvard Medical School Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico-
volcanoconiosis
9> Florida State Hangin' Chads
8> UC Berkeley Persons of Celebration
7> Pitt Stains
6> University of California Liberal Pussies
5> UCLA Trick-Turning Starlets
4> University of Texas Shirtless McConaugheys
3> Emory Boards
2> Tulane Highways
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Worst College Mascots...
1> Ball State Cojones
v
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Top
Five Drunken Sing-Along Songs
(http://www.stereogum.com/archives/cat_shit_list.html)
When we post "shit list"s it's usually 'cause they're undeniably shitty. (Greatest
Punk Albums, anyone?)
But _College Humor_ (http://www.collegehumor.com/update:1707157/) 's suggestions
for best songs to belt
while blasted ain't bad! Their criteria included: immediately recognizable
opening, easy to remember lyrics,
and killer solo for air guitarring (their words, we approve). Here's the list
5. "Paradise City" - Guns N' Roses
4. "Baba O'Riley" - The Who
3. "Sweet Home Alabama" - Lynyrd Skynyrd
2. "Livin' On A Prayer" - Bon Jovi
1. "Don't Stop Believin'" - Journey
v
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With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was
far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over
to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"
"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"
"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.
"It's your wife." replied Peter
"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian
Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said ,"Well, buddy
boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
v
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Ask me about my vow of silence.
v
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v
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BALSAMIC CHICKEN & BROCCOLI
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 tb Oil, olive
2 cl Garlic, minced
1/2 sm Onion, thinly sliced and cut into thirds
2 tb Shallots
1/4 c Wine, white
2 Chicken breasts, cut into strips
3 tb Vinegar, balsamic
2 c Broccoli spears
1 c Mushrooms, sliced thick
1/3 c Chicken stock
1/4 ts Salt
Black Pepper
DIRECTIONS:
Heat the oil in a heavy pot. Add the garlic, onion, and
shallots, and cook until light golden. Keep the pot covered
between stirrings and use a tablespoon or so of the wine if
more liquid is needed. Add the strips of chicken and enough
of the wine to keep the meat from sticking to the pot. Cook
until the chicken is white all the way through, about 5 to
7 minutes (use more wine, if needed). Remove the chicken and
sauteed vegetables with a slotted spoon. Add the vinegar to
the pot, increase the heat, and stir with a wooden spoon,
scraping bits from the bottom, until the liquid is reduced
to about half its volume. Reduce the heat. Return the chicken
and sauteed vegetables to the pot, add the broccoli, mushrooms,
stock, remaining wine, and salt. Cook at a gentle simmer
until the broccoli turn bright green. Serve over pasta and
dust with pepper.
Category: Chicken, Main Dishes
v
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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
v
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v
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*Military
Wisdom*
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
v
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A student was on his way to school but was running short on time.
He stopped at a farmhouse and knocked on the door.
When the farmer answered the door, he asked, "Could I cut across
your field so I can catch the 8:30 bus?"
"Go right ahead," the farmer said. "And if my bull sees you,
you'll be able to catch the 8 o'clock bus!"
v
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*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
Click
here: GE Recalls Dishwashers Due to Fire Hazard
http://www.consumeraffairs.com/recalls04/2007/ge_dishwasher.html
GE is recalling about 2.5 million dishwashers because of a fire hazard.
The company said that liquid rinse-aid can leak from its dispenser onto the
dishwasher's internal
wiring which can cause an electrical short and overheating, posing a fire hazard.
v
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You're just like school on Saturday - no class
v
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*submitted by*
joeboy118@yahoo.com
"A 2006 study found that the average fisherman walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallon of beer a year.
That means, on average, Fishermen get about 41 miles per gallon."
v
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Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you open
a box of chocolates:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips
in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo
woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was
a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit
of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman
just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,
studying every little detail, until she noticed a white
bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box
of chocolates. I got it for my husband,"
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she
said: "Good trade."
v
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My friends tell me that I refuse to
grow up, but I know they're just jealous
because they don't have pajamas with feet.
v
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Click here: Windows Enthusiasts
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ/Ya&sdn=windows&cdn=compute&tm=11&gps=57_175_1193_85
0&f=00&tt=14&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//technet.microsoft.com/en-us/default.aspx
News, blogs, conferences, and information of interest to Windows enthusiasts.
Click
here: PC World - Techlog: What Next After Windows Vista?
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,127940/article.html?tk=nl_tpxcol
Techlog: What Next After Windows Vista?
I don't have a clue what Microsoft's long-term plans are. But I've got a little
list...
v
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With profits from his food company, Paul Newman helped
build a camp for critically ill children. It's called the
Hole in the Wall Gang Camp, from Newman's film "Butch
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid".
Newman was sitting at a table one day with a camper who
asked him who he was. The actor reached for a carton of
Newman's Own lemonade and showed the boy his likeness
on the container. "This is me," Newman said.
Wide-eyed, the camper asked, "Are you lost or something?"
v v v v v
While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment
for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver.
"It was my wife's idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman
at the counter. "She's buying it for me as a gift."
"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order.
"My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."
v v v v v
Click here: Cell phones used
to stop drunk drivers - Crime & Punishment - MSNBC.com
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16947493/
States are making big push in the war against drunk drivers
Click
here: PC World - Six Things You Never Knew Your Cell Phone Could Do
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,128726/article.html?tk=nl_dexnws
Here are useful tips and tricks that you can teach even an old cell phone to
do.
v
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As we North Americans all have our eyes set
on
the First Mondays Of Summer (Victoria Day
and
Memorial Day), some of us may feel
like we
forgot something... what was it again?...
D'OHH!
The Top 6 Signs You Completely Friggin' Forgot Mother's Day
6> That's odd. You remember this door from the basement to the
kitchen used to be unlocked.
5> Her poorly-aimed guilt rays keep zapping innocent bystanders.
4> Your wife informs you that you'll get some *next* second
Sunday in May, and your mother backs her up.
3> Your wife keeps "accidentally" leaving dirty diapers under the sports
page.
2> You awake gasping in a fluid-filled Hefty bag, and you can
hear her shouting, "Does *this* ring a bell?!"
and the Number 1 Sign
You Completely
Friggin' Forgot
Mother's Day...
1> Your mom wakes you at 3 a.m. with a box of elbow macaroni, a jar
of glitter, and a bottle of glue, and snarls "Get busy!".
v v v v v
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and
asked to see the "upturn".
"I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination,
examination, fraternity, maternity.... what's the difference?
All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months,
and I think I'm stagnant."
v v v v v
Click
here: Key West - Traveler Reviews - Quiet, clean, and next to a beautiful beach...
Sigh! - TripAdvisor
http://www.tripadvisor.com/News-a_to.showuserreviews-a_geo.34345-a_r.680347
5-a_nid.TW.20070219.B-a_nuid.B9070BAF0D79B70805DC4DA793C7B612
Maps, restaurants, discount hotels, vacation packages, and more!
Click
here: Dummies::Staying in Shape while Traveling
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-485.html?cid=etipArticleLink
If you travel frequently, one of the easier ways to stay in shape on the road
is to make the preparations while
you're home. You are a perfect candidate for membership with one of the major
national health club chains.
Be sure to sign up for a membership that offers you unlimited access to all
the club's locations. Then, whenever you're
leaving home, jump on the Internet or call the club and find out where the nearest
facility is to your destination.
If this isn't a possibility, or if you're just looking for a way to work out
during your annual vacation, many hotels in major
cities have some form of exercise room with cardiovascular machines, weight
machines, or free weights. You will even
find some hotels that provide guests with in-room personal trainers or a selection
of workout videos.
You may have better luck finding these amenities at hotels that book a lot of
business travelers
v
v v v v
Golf - the four letter word explained...
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself
too seriously it won't work... and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
v v v v v
COLD
BEAN TRIO SALAD
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
2/3 cup cider vinegar
1/4 cup salad oil
1 tablespoon dark brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 15-ounce can garbanzo beans, rinsed and drained
1 15-ounce can small white beans, rinsed and drained
1 10-ounce package frozen lima beans, thawed
2 medium carrots, thinly bias-sliced (1 cup)
2 small fresh jalapeno peppers, seeded and finely chopped
1/3 cup snipped fresh cilantro
Directions:
For dressing, in a small bowl whisk together the vinegar,
oil, sugar, salt, and pepper; set aside. In a large self-
sealing plastic bag set in a deep bowl combine garbanzo beans,
white beans, lima beans, carrots, peppers, and cilantro.
Pour dressing over bean mixture. Close bag. Marinate in
he refrigerator for 2 to 24 hours, turning bag occasionally.
Transfer to a bowl to serve
Yield: 6-8 Servings
v v v v v
I narrowly escaped having my super-hero identity
exposed yesterday when my friend said I was a
cynical person. I thought my days as Cynical Man
(with X-ray insight) were over, but it turned
out he was actually just making conversation.
(Phil
Garding)
It's a little detail your cannibal dinner
guests will really appreciate: Ice pick
on the left, melon baller on the right.
(Travis
Ruetenik)
PETA drives me crazy. Animals ate *us* for
thousands of years -- do you think any of
them went around with goofy bumper stickers?
(Jerry
L. Embry)
My brother got appendicitis in San Francisco.
He wrote a song about it, but it's not very good.
(The
Covert Comic)
I think a good gauge as to whether you
need to go on a diet is if your belt buckle
enters a room a good beat before you do.
(Brad
Simanek)
v
v v v v
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the
first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him
mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard.
"Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed
on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the
hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any
longer, and asked why the priest said, "Hoover".
"It's the biggest damn I know."
v v v v v
Some
ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted.
This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you
have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral Sex does not count.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day...it doesn't count...
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex...doesn't count...
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm...it doesn't count...
5. Sex with a friend...it doesn't count...it's just another thing you share...
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my
legs for this"...it doesn't count...
7. An old flame...it doesn't count...
8. An ex-spouse...it doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck".
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same,
sorry, not sex...it doesn't count...
10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation...itb doesn't count...
11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex...it doesn't count...
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating...it doesn't count...
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves,
not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant
other...it doesn't count...
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated...it doesn't count.
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other...it doesn't count...this should be referred to as "a
skeleton in the family closet".
16. Acts committed in a public place...it doesn't count...(why
should it, it was public right?)
17. Phone sex...it doesn't count...(refer back to "glorified masturbation")
18. In car...it doesn't count...way too cramped...if vehicle is
in motion and has a console or stick shift...this counts...way
too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally
oral, then refer back to rule 1...
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm)...it doesn't count.
to be continuedb
v v v v v
Click
here: Kewlbox - Crank Deathmatch - free online and downloadble games
http://whatcounts1.mediageneral.net/t?r=57&ctl=6D9DA:1289D1
Join in on one of the biggest fights of the year as Special Ed and Elmer of
Crank Yankers take on Nick Diamond
and Johnny Gomez of Celebrity Deathmatch in a knock-down, drag-out, rowdy kind
of style!
Click here: The Daily Sudoku! -
A free online game From Humor Haus!
http://www.humorhaus.com/hh882.htm
New sudoku game every day
Click here: The Daily Crossword!
- A free online game From Humor Haus!
http://www.humorhaus.com/hh911.htm
New crossword game every day
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk, and comes running back to the motorcycle officer
The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo. So,
the officer calmly tells him of his red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a
professional, takes it all in stride, and continues writing.
The tirade goes on, with the cop saying nothing. When he finishes writing
the citation, he puts A.H. in the lower right corner of the narrative portion
of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.
Angrily, the guy signs the citation, tearing the paper and, when presented
with his copy, points to he A.H. and demands to know its meaning. The
officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the guy's face, and
says, "That's so when we go to court I'll remember you're an asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The defendant has such a bad record
that he is about to lose his
license, so he has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand, the officer
testifies that he
personally saw the man run the red light.
Under cross-examination, the defense attorney questions the motorcycle officer:
Q. Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the
citation you issued to my client?
A. Yes, sir. This is the defendant's copy. His
signature and mine are on it; and the copy and
original have the same number at the top.
Q. Officer, is there any particular marking or
notation on this citation you don't normally make
A. Yes, sir. In the lower right corner there is an A.H. - underlined.
Q. What does the A.H. stand for, Officer?
A. Aggressive and hostile, sir.
Q. Aggressive and hostile?
A. Yes, sir
Q. Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for "asshole?"
A. Well, sir, I guess you must know your client better than I do!
v v v v v
20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull'n pray method of birth control)...it
doesn't count...
21. An act in which no kissing takes place...it doesn't count...
(not considered to be intimate)
22. An act in which "you do all the work"...it doesn't count.
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor...it doesn't
count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly".
24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry
with your significant other...it doesn't count.
25. An act which only happens on a random basis...it doesn't
count, this should be considered " getting aquatinted "...
26. An act with a US President...it doesn't count, unless the
Senate votes impeachment...
27. An act with your boss...it doesn't count, just considered
career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
v v v v v
Click here: Famousr: Who Is More Famous?
http://www.famousr.com/
Who is more famous -- click on your choices - see if you're right
*borrowed from*
shinyhappyhead.com
Click
here: The Top 50 Movie Endings of All Time : filmcritic.com
http://filmcritic.com/misc/emporium.nsf/95a45e26914c25ff862562bb006a85f2/394a496e465c4f38882571b900114dc5
Needless to say you can consider this entire article one monster SPOILER
ALERT. Most of the films here are
classics that you've probably seen several times over. But if not, skip past
the ones you haven't seen and
put 'em in your rental queue, otherwise you're going to ruin a whole lot of
good films. Check out the flicks and we promise
you won't be disappointed when the credits roll. As always, apologies in advance
for the ones we stupidly forgot
(and we know you'll be writing to let us know -- yes, Jaws, The Sixth
Sense, Seven, Carrie, we're sorry!).
Click here: Letterpop
http://letterpop.com/
No download required - make astoundingly creative newsletters in minutes!
Click here:
Colorblindness Test
http://home.sc.rr.com/mikebennett/colorblind.html#Top
This is a series of five color plates which are filled with colored dots --
see if you are colorvision-challenged.
Click here: DMV Department of Motor Vehicles Guide
- DMV.ORG
http://www.dmv.org/
This Web site was created to provide easy-to-access information and resources
for all your Department of Motor
Vehicles needs! Since government DMV sites can be confusing to use, we have
developed this
free and comprehensive guide for the average person to understand.
Click
here: Long Time Lost
http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=siybo6bab.0.a7f9w5bab.usova9bab.157&ts=S0241&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.longtimelost.com
Long Time Lost is a free "service" (more so it is a software app written by
someone who had some spare time, good
programmer friends, a little bit of creativity and a lot of coffee) that allows
you to create a "search" for someone
you lost touch with. That "search" is then indexed by Google (and other search
engines) and then when that
person you are looking for (or someone who knows them) does a "Vanity Search"
(the process of searching for one's own name
on Google... we know you do it!) they find your "search" and can respond to
you and reconnect. All information is
handled through the system so your private information like your email address
isn't out there on the net. It's new,
it's Web 2.0, it's powered by Google, it's Ruby on Rails... and it's FREE...
so check it out.
Click
here: Mozilla Firefox Cheat Sheet
http://lesliefranke.com/files/reference/firefoxcheatsheet.html
If you're a fan of Firefox, you'll love this Firefox
Cheat Sheet, chock full of keyboard shortcuts, secret Firefox
commands, and lots more information that will help you get more out of this
robust browser
Click here: Fleer 1979
Crazy Labels
http://www.wacky-packs.com/crazylabels.html
Remember those crazy 1979 Fleer
labels? Here they are, just as funny as you remember them.
Click here: MIT OpenCourseWare | OCW
Home
http://ocw.mit.edu/index.html
If you've always dreamed of taking classes at MIT, now might be your chance.
The MIT OpenCourseWare allows
anyone anywhere to take free (not for credit) classes online in a variety
of subjects, from Aeronautics to Writing.
v
v v v v
A girl says to an Indian salesman, "I'm not sure if I
should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker.s
He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are
you gonna break wind?"
v
v v v v
A psychiatrist's receptionist said, "A gentleman in the waiting room wants
to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
v
v v v v
Smart
Blonde
1
1/2 oz Belvedere
1/2 White Cream de Cacao
1 oz Godiva
Shaken on the Rocks
Snowfall
3
Muddled Vanilla Beans
3 oz Vodka
1 oz Simple Syrup
1 oz Half and Half
Shake with ice, strain and serve in a
martini glass with a sugar rim
Simple syrup: 1 part sugar in 2 parts boiling water, cooled
To Muddle: Cut beans and crush against inside of glass
with wooden muddler or back of spoon
v
v v v v
A friend who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about
a captain with whom he often flew. The guy was an excellent pilot,
but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire
on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway.
He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up.
His announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be
a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while
they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there."
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence.
Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were
bending in the rough air, and one of the flight attendants relayed
that message to the captain.
His announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that
some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence.
In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending
as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal;
there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend
as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're
nowhere near that yet!"
v v v v v
"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief
that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty
of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body
where this is a possibility, you're not attractive. You are leaking."
Fran Lebowitz
v v v v v
"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread to
the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse, and we
will become a primitive society where we all run around naked
with spears and refuse to attend meetings. Wouldn't that be GREAT?"
Dave Barry
v v v v v
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
v
v v v v
The other night the front door was accidentally left open and
Shadow, my 125 lb. Giant Schnauzer was gone.
After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, I got in the car and
went looking for him.
I drove very slowly around the neighborhood streets for over an
hour checking out lawns, yards, bushes, etc. with no luck.
Finally I stopped at the curb near a couple out for a walk and
asked if they had seen a big black dog.
Their response was, "You mean the one that's following your car?"
v
v v v v
At a party, a woman was observing a child who would hold his chest
whenever he bent down. After a few minutes, the woman asked the
kid, "Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?"
The kid said, "One day, my teacher was writing on the board, the
chalk fell down, and when my teacher bent down to pick up the chalk,
I saw her lungs comes out of her chest."
v
v v v v
by deb
Final
Exam
Pauline
W Chen
From her first dissection of a cadaver to the first time she pronounced a patient
dead, Chen combines personal
experience with clinical expertise in this riveting, deeply nuanced critique
of the medical profession.
Moving and provocative, motored equally by clinical expertise and extraordinary
personal grace, this is
a piercing and compassionate journey into the heart of a world that is hidden
and yet touches all
of our lives. A superb addition to the best medical literature of our time.
It's a fast read - and it's SO interesting! I definitely recommend it
v
v v v v
Only eight episodes of "The Sopranos" left, so after that we'll have to
get all of our televised violence from "The View."
Jimmy Kimmel
v v v v v
A guy is involved in a horrible car accident and is partly
mangled in the wreckage. Among the other injuries, and perhaps the
most traumatic, was that his penis had been severed. Anyway, a few
days later in the hospital once his condition was stabilized, a
doctor came to see him about picking out a new penis to be sewn on later.
"Wow, I didn't even know they could do that," said the patient.
"Well, all you have to do is look through this catalog and pick the
one you want and we can take care of the rest," the doctor assured him.
So, the guy starts flipping through the catalog and finds some
prospects in the first few pages. As he gets near the end though, he
comes across some abnormally large options. "Man! I didn't know they
got that big!" he cried. Then turned the page and again, "Holy shit,
that's even bigger!"
The next page had an even bigger member that he could choose. Filled
with excitement he yells down the hall, "Hey Doc, do any of these big
ones come in white?"
v v v v v
Click here: OneCare Fails to
Protect Against All Viruses
http://go.infopackets.com/e20070214-04
A recent examination of Microsoft's new virus and malware protection
software, OneCare, has revealed that the product is already out of date.
That means there are plenty of threats floating around the web that can
bypass OneCare's defenses and infect a computer. The study was
performed by British computer ...
*submitted by*
BillieJo50
Click here: Urban Legends
Reference Pages: Storm Worm
http://snopes.com/computer/virus/storm.asp
Read all about the Storm Worm!
v
v v v v
The
Top 16 Summer Movie Taglines
16> See Cameron Diaz in her underwear in every movie *except*..."Shrek 3."
15> It's Keanu Reeves' greatest fear: a paper bag he must act
himself out of, in "The, Like, Paper Bag. Whoa."
14> Witness what happens to silvery 'nads when it gets cold in...
"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer."
13> Learn simple phonics to save yourself the embarrassment of
mangling the name of this movie in front of dozens of
families also waiting to see... "Ratatouille." (It's
French, Merde-for-brains!)
12> John Travolta, Robin Williams and Harvey Fierstein gender-bend
the future in... "Transformers."
11> A disgruntled former heavyweight champ turns insurgent in...
"Iraqi, Balboa."
10> Hollywood discovers that Jim Carrey movies are even better
*without* Jim Carrey in... "Evan Almighty."
9> Three times the excitement! Three times the stunts! Three
times we've done the same jokes now! It's... "Rush Hour 3."
8> Keira Knightley bemoans her lack of bust size in... "Pirates
of the Caribbean 3: Instead, Man's Chest."
7> George Clooney gets a visit from the crew of "Dateline:
To Catch a Predator" in... "Ocean's 13."
6> Matt Damon is Bourne again in... "The Bourne Ultimatum."
5> Witness the horror, the shock and the sorrow when FEMA
responds to a major nationwide disaster in... "28 Weeks Later."
4> Young wizards meet secretly, wands at the ready, and even
the bird is flaming in..."Harry Potter and the Order of
the Phoenix."
3> Salma Hayek and Jennifer Connally both appear topless in...
"The Fantastic Four."
2> One man. One quest. One prostate... "Indiana Jones IV."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Summer Movie Taglines...
1> Lindsay Lohan took stripper lessons for her role. What
ELSE could you possibly need to know about... "I Know
Who Killed Me"?
v v v v v
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything
seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't
all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week
I
was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over
thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you
took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."
v v v v v
Click here:
Recipe4Living - Sugar-Free
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/category/5/38/178/
Lots of sugar-free recipes
Click here: Recipe4Living
- Seven-Layer Casserole
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/198/164/
Easy to layer, easy to bake, easy to eat!
Click
here: Recipe4Living - Crab-Stuffed Filet Mignon with Whiskey-Peppercorn Sauce
http://link.yourrecipefortoday.com/s/lt?id=9240920&si=x142823417&pc=n2017&ei=l119621
Incredibly elegant and flavorful, this is the perfect meal to impress that special
someone. Excellent for anniversaries, Valentine's Day or any day!
v
v v v v
Q: What do terrorists and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
v v v v v
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided
to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure
his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are
getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to
his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the
two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and
fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my
wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came
out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
v v v v v
Click
here: About.com: http://audacity.sourceforge.net/
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ&sdn=macs&cdn=compute&tm=10&gps=16_344_1193_850&f=0
0&su=p284.5.420.ip_&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//audacity.sourceforge.net/
Audacity is free, open source software for recording and editing sounds. It
is available for Mac
OS X, Microsoft Windows, GNU/Linux, and other operating systems.
Ripping DVDs for Viewing
on Your Mac or Video-Enabled iPod
http://macs.about.com/od/ipod/a/handbrake.htm
HandBrake is a freeware DVD to MPEG-4 ripper/converter for OS X 10.3.9 and later
(an earlier release is
available for OS X 10.2.7 and later). Follow these steps to use HandBrake to
convert your DVDs into mp4, avi, or
ogm format for storage and playback on your hard drive, or for playback on your
video-supported iPod.
v
v v v v
The Top 16 Worst College Mascots
(Part II)
16> Notre Dame Drunken Kennedies
15> Caltech Advanced Student-Athletes
14> Yale Legacies
13> Occidental Tourists
12> Gonzaga Boobies
11> M.I.T. Perpetually Zitfaced Virgins
10> Rutgers Lady Imuses
9> Alabama Crimson Necks
8> Montana Caucasian Survivalists
7> New York Culinary Institute Parmesan-Crusted Chilean Sea Basses
6> Staten Island Fairies
5> Skidmore Undies
4> St. Louis College of Pharmacy Morphine Addicts
3> Vassar Fightin' Domestic Partners
2> Oral Roberts Swallows
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Worst College Mascot...
1> Duke Consenting Adults
v
v v v v
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
v v v v v
During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two
long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests.
The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man,
"You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and
my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."
To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two
of us we've had them all!"
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
v
v v v v
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
v
v v v v
I asked my son if he understood the meaning of the word "obey."
He said, "Yeah, it's a place to go shopping on the Internet."
v
v v v v
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that
moment a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be
the problem?"
The man replied, "I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later
the man saw
an entire swarm of bees fly to his car and into his gas tank. The
bees then flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up."WOW!" the man
exclaimed,
"What did you put in my gas tank?"
The bee answered, "BP."
v
v v v v
Click here: Top Saltwater Aquarium
Myths - Saltwater Aquariums Guides' Extra
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BXR
Since the beginning of time, successfully keeping a saltwater aquarium has seemed
a total mystery to
a vast majority of people. Over the past few decades, the science of saltwater
aquaria has increased by leaps
and bounds. In spite of the new knowledge, many of the old myths which arose
during the years of
experimentation are still professed by some as facts. Here are some of the most
popular myths which are still in circulation:
Click here: Q&A: Why Does My
Bird Bite Me So Much?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BXS
The first thing that you need to do is establish whether or not you are indeed
being bitten, or just being "beaked".
Biting is not a natural behavior for birds, so chances are that your bird is
not trying to be aggressive. There
are several reasons that a bird may "beak" you as opposed to giving you a true
bite. Many times, birds use
their beaks as a third "hand", or to "test" perches before they step on to them
-- and bird owners often
confuse this with being bitten. While being "beaked" may not be the most pleasant
experience, it is much different
from being bitten, and anyone who has ever really been bitten by a bird will
tell you the same thing!
Click here: ~AIKEN
DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny1182.html
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A graduate art student in Illinois
has
been dressing local roadkill
in clothes
and painting their claws
with nail
polish. Her idea is that people
might
give more thought to the animals
if they
had human attributes. She admits
that
some may find her project
to be in
questionable taste, but she
means well.
We feel the same about
the following list...
The Top 10 Designer Labels for Roadkill
10> OshKosh B'Squash
9> Perry Smellis
8> Tommy Holedigger
7> Guess What it Was!
6> L.L. Been
5> Burburied
4> Kerblooey Vuitton
3> Rabbitzombie & Stench
2> Kate Get-a-Spade
and the Number 1 Designer Label for Roadkill...
1> Escadaver
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So, I'm driving down the road late one night and the guy in front
of me is swerving left and right and left and right, then suddenly
plunges over the edge of the road and drops into a 30 foot deep
quarry along side the road!
I quickly jumped out of my truck and ran to the edge of the road
and yelled down.. "Hey! everybody alright down there?!!" - and
I heard this drunken voice come back up at me, "Oh yeah.. I'm
alright mister. I guess I had the Lord riding with me!".
I yelled back, "Well you better let him drive with me, yer gonna
kill him!"
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"'Muesli' is not a word we use in America. When we sweep up after
we have been doing woodwork and put it in a bag with mixed nuts
and a little birdseed, and pretend it's a health- ful breakfast,
we call it granola."
Bill Bryson
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*submitted
by*
GuffieBaby
lg1@tampabay.rr.com
Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove,
set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy.
No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it
really works.
Mona, Orlando, FL
Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all
broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it
up
mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into
egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
Janet, Killeen, TX
Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it
with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You
get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also
eat
less sugar/calories per serving.
Kathy, Mesick, MI
Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place
them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture
will
keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
Dave, Camden, DE
Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants,work the nutrients in your soil. Wet
newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover
with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some
gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
Linda, Monmouth Jct., NJ
Broken Glass
Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken glass pieces of
glass- the fibers catch ones you can't see!
Olive, Santee, CA
No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
Diane, Moran, SC
Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with
cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the
squirrels won't come near it.
Kathy, Maumelle, AR
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need
some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy which she handed to me with the car keys.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
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This guy came into work one day with a fistful of cigars and started
passing them out left and right to celebrate the birth of his son.
"Congratulations, John," said the boss. "How much did the baby weigh?"
"Four and a half pounds," reported the father proudly.
"Gee, that's kind of small."
"What did you expect?" retorted Eric indignantly.
"We've only been married three months."
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Click
here: Video - How to Plant Shrubs -- Planting Shrubs
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1Y6&sdn=video&cdn=specials&tm=10&gps=23_81_1193_283&
f=0&tt=38&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//video.about.com/landscaping/planting-shrubs.htm
Have you been meaning to add more shrubbery to your yard? This video shows you
how to plant shrubs in easy-to-follow steps
Click
here: Video - How to Stake a Tree - Stake a Tree
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1Y6&sdn=video&cdn=specials&tm=10&gps=51_70_1193_799&f=0
&tt=38&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//video.about.com/landscaping/staking-trees.--8h.htm
Protecting a new or young tree by staking it enables it to grow the strong root
system it needs
to secure itself in the ground. Learn how to stake a tree.
Click
here: Video - How to Edge a Garden - Edge a Garden
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1Y6&sdn=video&cdn=specials&tm=14&gps=37_72_1193_799
&f=0&tt=38&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//video.about.com/gardening/edging-gardens.htm
Edging your garden not only creates a clean, attractive line, it also helps
stop lawn grass from creating
bextra weeds. Find out how you can edge your garden with ease.
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A peculiar posting appeared one day on the company bulletin
board. It read: Used tombstone for sale. Ideal for Person Named "Murphy."
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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the
boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So
one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the
wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must
get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the
kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table,
cook dinner and wash the dishes."
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I've
seen mouse pointers that turn into cute little dinosaurs, musical instruments
and all sorts of things. How can I do that too?
A:
If you want to spice up your mouse pointer the best you can, this is the tip
for you! It's really not hard at all.
Plus, it's a fun way to make waiting for things to load more bearable .
In Windows XP, you'll first go to the Start menu, then the Control Panel.
Click on Appearance and Themes under the Pick a Category section.
Next, click on Mouse Pointers. (This option is under See Also).
Now, you'll be in the Mouse Properties window. Click on the tab called Pointers.
At the top, you'll see options under
Scheme. Click on the drop down arrow to look at the different pointers available.
Once you click on a scheme,
you will be able to see a preview of what the pointer will look like by clicking
under Customize.
Once you decide on a scheme, click OK and voila! You've customized your very
own mouse pointer!
David
worldstart.com
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"The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves
look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows
the hair on one side of his head very long and combs it across the
bald area, creating an effect that looks...from the top...like an
egg in the grasp of a large tropical spider."
Dave Barry
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An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when
a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar
to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase
his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
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Q: What's the definition of the word ASPECT?
A: What you get when you bend over a chicken coop.
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Turning
to Diabetes Professionals
The available knowledge about diabetes is huge and growing
rapidly. Fortunately, you can turn to multiple people for help.
Take advantage of them all at one time or another, including the
following people:
* Your primary physician, who takes care of diabetes and
all your other medical concerns
* A diabetes specialist, who is aware of the latest and
greatest in diabetes treatment
* An eye doctor, who must examine you at least once a year
* A foot doctor, to trim your toenails and treat foot problems
* A dietitian, to help you plan your nutritional program
* A diabetes educator, to teach you a basic understanding of this
disease
* A pharmacist, who can help you understand your medications
* A mental health worker, if you run into adjustment problems
Turning to any or all of these people when you need them can make
a big difference in your physical and mental health. Most
insurance companies are enlightened enough to pay for them if you use them.
Click here: What Are the Most Expensive
Diseases in the U.S.?
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/32Zn
Wonder what really drives up the cost of healthcare? According to an article
in Forbes
magazine, based
on research from AHRQ (Agency for Health Care Research and Quality), the
nine "Most Expensive Diseases" in the U.S. are:
Click here:
The Artery-Clogging Menace: Trans Fat -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/archive/ALT02070108-01.html
Dr. Nate E. Lebowitz, a cardiologist at Englewood Hospital and Medical Center
(N.J.), even goes so far as to compare
artificial trans fat cooking and baking oils to arsenic. "There literally is
not much difference," said Lebowitz,
associate chief of cardiology. Trans fat "is just a slower killer" than arsenic,
he said.
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Here's an interesting piece of trivia. Fifty-two years ago
today Albert Einstein died. Einstein's brain was later studied
by researchers, who kept his brain inside a portable beer
cooler. Einstein's brain was in a beer cooler. Which, I believe,
is the closest that Einstein ever got to attending a NASCAR race.
Jay Leno
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Finally, in royal family news, Prince William has broken with his
longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton, under pressure from his family
because she was a commoner. I guess they felt this would ruin the
royal family's 900 years of inbreeding.
Jay Leno
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By God, here/s good news, ladies and gentlemen: our good friend
Regis Philbin is returning to his show a week from Thursday,
a week from tomorrow. That will be tremendous. And, you know, he
had what turned out to be a triple bypass surgery, and the same
guys who did my surgery also did Regis Philbin's surgery. They're
tremendous. And the pain is, you really don't feel much because
they go in through your wallet.
David Letterman
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Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/483.html
Click here: ~AIKEN
DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny1043.html
Click here: Grease Babies
~ Grandma Faith's Website
http://members.shaw.ca/anabw/grease.htm
It's those funny babies again
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On Capitol Hill Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right
hand, swore to tell the truth, and then everybody had a good laugh
and went back to what they were doing.
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Top
Ten Reasons Rosie O'Donnell Is Leaving "The View"
10. Couldn't maintain rigorous one-hour-a-day work schedule
9. It's been awkward ever since she threw Joy Behar through a
plate glass window
8. Gearing up for the Kucinich-O'Donnell 2008 campaign
7. Fed up with Elisabeth Hasselbeck being sweet
6. Taking time off to be with her fiance Donald Trump
5. She feels she can get more feuding done by working at home
4. No number four ? writer too despondent after hearing the news
3. Can make more money wrasslin' gators in Florida
2. Tired of empty gin bottles in Barbara Walters' office
1. Tested positive for steroids
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Did you see Bill Clinton picking up some trash on the beach? Did
you see that? Then he gave her cab fare home.
Jay Leno
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Mom's
Laundry Rules
1. Pajamas - Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only
one wear. It is Scientific fact that you do not get dirty while
sleep. Pajamas can be worn Many times before they smell bad enough
to warrant being thrown in the Dirty clothes. Exception: You may put
pajamas in the dirty clothes if you Throw up on them or something
else that may be deemed disgusting, but only If they stink.
2. Socks - Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty
clothes. Otherwise, I Will start washing and drying them in their
original rolled up little Balls. Special note: Unroll socks before
throwing them down the laundry Chute. If you don't, the law of
physics causes them to bounce off the Washer and land behind the
washer or dryer, and Mom is getting too old to Crawl back there
and fish them out.
3. Clothes Hung Up - Clean clothes can be easily removed from
the clothes bar by gently lifting Up on the hanger and pulling
towards you. The clean item can now be Removed from the hanger
for wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes Is to YANK on
one corner of the garment. This causes the hanger to go Flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly
Entangled with the neighboring hangers. Special note: This makes
Mom want To choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain
from this action.
4. Dirty Clothes Rule - If you have made the decision to put
something in the dirty clothes, do Not later decide that you,
for some reason, now need to retrieve it by Digging through the
clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like A small
tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
Devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing worse than
having to Put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is having
to do it over and Over and over.
5. Pockets - Check your own pockets before you put dirty items
(again, make sure they Are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have
you ever tried to pick tiny Pieces of white paper off an entire load
of dark clothes? No? I thought Not! But the next time this occurs,
you will have the pleasure of this Experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets Becomes the property of
the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes
to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she Will go
on alone. She has heard that you don't have to do laundry while
You are on a cruise!
6. Folded Clothes Rule - When those clean clothes miraculously
appear on your bed or chair, Graciously thank the saintly person
who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note:
Failure to do this in the future will result in a Generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
7. General Dirty Clothes Rule - If they aren't dirty, why the
heck are they in the laundry room? Put them Back in your closet or
drawers. When you decide to try something on and Decide that it will
not make the fashion statement you were looking for That particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious decision That it is
easier to throw the item in the dirty clothes rather than Hanging
it back up. Again, the Goodwill would love to have these items,
as Their fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
8. Laundry Sharing - In the future, each of you will be required to
do one load of laundry a Week. Instructions will be provided. Mom
feels that the joy of this Household chore should be shared, and she
has been very selfish about this In the past. She also feels that
this is a necessary life skill, and Without it, you may not ever
want to leave home. This would not be in the Best interest of your
parents. Note - Rules may be added or modified at Any time by Mom.
I, (sign your name) agree to abide by the above rules, as I
actually have No choice in the matter and do not wish to further
anger my mother.
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Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/781.html
Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/782.html
Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/783.html
Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/784.html
Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/469.html
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
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©1999
- 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
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