Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
Hey!
Life is damn good -- Hope your week ahead is awesome!
Want to learn how to dance like a white guy? You'll see just how to in
the SILLIES
section below - it's so funny
Be
careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
STRAWBERRY
STUFFED FRENCH TOAST
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 cup sliced strawberries
1/2 tsp. lemon juice
1/2 tsp. lemon zest
4 T sugar
4 - 1" thick slices of French bread
1 cup low fat milk
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 tsp. baking powder
4 egg whites
2 eggs
3 tsp. butter
fresh strawberries
strawberry or maple syrup
DIRECTIONS:
Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees. Mix together the 1 cup of
strawberries, the lemon juice and zest and 2 T sugar. Set
aside. Cut bread slices in half and cut a slit in each
slice to form a pocket. Stuff with strawberries, secure
with toothpicks. Place slices in a 13" X 9" greased or
buttered baking dish. In a saucepan, combine milk, sugar,
vanilla, baking powder and eggs. Mix well. Pour over stuffed
bread, turning to coat. Chill for 30-60 minutes, turning
bread pieces occasionally. Grease another 13" X 9" inch
baking pan. Move bread pieces to this second pan and bake
for 3-6 minutes on each side. Serve warm with syrup and
additional strawberries.
Yield: 4 Servings
v
v v v v
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
v v v v v
Click
here: Tipping, Talking and Tableware – 25 Etiquette Tips
http://www.lifescript.com/articles/4540.asp?BID=38283&SID=16296412&EID=5C9A4C81-9E5E-4EB9-BC6E-53D879F1A884
In the “olden days,” using proper etiquette in everyday life and special occasions
seemed
like more of a social must than a matter of personal choice. It’s pretty safe
to say that your grandmother wouldn’t
dare answer her cell phone (if there were such a thing) at the dinner table
or ignore a party invitation if she knew she
couldn’t attend. But oh, how times have changed. However, just as chivalry isn’t
dead, proper etiquette isn’t either.
If you’re already employing these etiquette tips in your life, congratulations
– Miss Manners would be proud.
If you’re slacking on your socially savvy abilities, a little refresher course
never hurt anyone. Plus: Rate your manners...
Click
here: Friday Fun: Weird Search Engines
http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/weird_search_engines.php
While the story today is about Freebase, a new next-gen search engine from Danny
Hillis, it's the end of the week and
so time for a bit of fun. Author of the popular top alternative search engines
list, Charles Knight, flicked me
an email this morning with an example of a weird alt search engine that he'd
discovered: www.ufocrawler.com/search.That
got us to thinking about what other 'weird' search engines are Out
There. Below is a short list that Charles came up with
(his knowledge of alt search engines knows no bounds!). But we'd like to throw
this open to you, the readers, as a kind of
Friday or weekend survey. Please let us know in the comments about the
weirdest alt search engines you've come across!
Click here: Learn Beading and Beadwork
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DDO
Want a new hobby? How about beading!?
Click here: CaringBridge: Free online
service connecting family and friends
http://www.caringbridge.org/
A place to heal, celebrate and share.
CaringBridge® is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization offering free personalized
Web sites to those wishing to
stay in touch with family and friends during significant life events. Our mission
is to bring together a global community
of care powered by the love of family and friends in an easy, accessible and
private way.
CaringBridge authors quickly and easily create personalized Web sites that display
journal entries and photographs.
Well-wishers visit the site to read updates and leave messages in the Guestbook.
Click here: Zillow
- Bird's Eye View of Famous Homes
http://www.zillow.com/howto/FamousBirdsEye.htm
How much is "The Brady Bunch" house worth today? (Mike and Carol could sell
his architectural treasure, one bathroom
and all, for a cool $1 million) How about Meredith's Seattle home on "Grey's
Anatomy"? ($1.2 million.) Even Archie
Bunker's Queens home goes for half a mill. Zillow.com offers a fun roundup of
prices for the
houses whose exteriors stand in for TV characters' homes.
Click here: 9800 Free Fonts,
fonts for free, font finder, download free fonts, free typography
http://www.creamundo.com/index.php?lang=en
bIn the earlier days of Windows, there weren’t many fonts from which to choose.
So projects always looked somewhat similar.
Newer versions of Windows include more fonts. And some programs will install
even more.
But if you’re working on a special project, you may not have the exact font
you want. In that case, you can download a font from the Internet.
At Creamundo.com, you’ll find plenty of free fonts. When you find one that you
like, you can download it for free!
You can preview the fonts, so you know what you’re getting. Just put in some
same text and click Display.
v
v v v v
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down
the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had
fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and
I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain
there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my
finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you
stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and
said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"
v
v v v v
The
Top 8 Signs the Employment Agency Screwed Up
8> House Painter – He asks if you're going to want the picture of
your house Impressionist, Pointillist or Cubist.
7> Linguist – Translates most phrases "Fifty bucks, same as in town."
6> Backhoe Operator – The candidate shows up in platform shoes, a
purple jumpsuit and enough bling to bring down Mr. T.
5> Drug and Alcohol Counselor – Asks what your plans are this
evening, then suggests a merlot, with a couple of tabs of "X"
for afterwards.
4> Sith Lord - The candidate wears an iron lung, has a prosthetic
right hand and does Barry White karaoke after only 3 beers.
3> Clown – You simply wanted someone to entertain the kids on
"Bring Your Kid to Work Day", and they just sent you the
incompetent moron you fired three weeks ago.
2> Taxidermist - Turns out there is more than one way to skin a cab.
and the Number 1 Sign the Employment Agency Screwed Up...
1> School bus driver - After the chaos subsided, it seems
everyone but Olivia understood the expectation of dropping all
those "midget hitchhikers" off at school.
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
v v v v v
Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.
v v v v v
This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
An old lady received a new radio at the luncheon as a door prize, and
was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all human kind.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for
the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's
nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you, for your
kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a
lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Life is good.
Sincerely, Edna
v v v v v
STOMACH
PUMP
3
OZ. DRY GIN
3 OZ. VO
3 OZ. VODKA
3 OZ. COKE
POUR INTO GLAS AS ORDER ABOVE,
THEN DRINK. WARNING, THIS DRINK IS ONLY
TO BE DRANK ONCE, IT WILL MAKE U
PUKE UP A STORM, guaranteed
Stop
Light
1
oz Red Hot Schnapps
1 oz Creme de Banana
1 oz Melon Liqueur
Mix in 3 shot glasses drink
one after the other
v
v v v v
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured,
and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
v v v v v
Why are elderly men like bumper stickers?
They are both hard to get off!
v v v v v
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
v v v v v
by deb
Driving with Dead People
by Monica Holloway
Small wonder that, at nine years old, Monica Holloway develops a fascination
with the local funeral home.
With a father who drives his Ford pickup with a Kodak movie camera sitting shotgun
just in case he sees an accident,
and whose home movies feature more footage of disasters than of his children,
Monica is primed to become a morbid child.
Yet in spite of her father's bouts of violence and abuse, her mother's selfishness
and prim denial,
and her siblings' personal battles and betrayals, Monica never succumbs to despair.
Instead, she forges her own way,
thriving at school and becoming fast friends with Julie Kilner, whose father
is the town mortician.
This book was painful to read at times - with humor thrown in which is amazing
-- but written so well! I highly recommend
this and especially if you like non-fiction. It was amazing.
v
v v v v
The
Top 20 Songs by the Beagles
20> You've Got To Hide Your Bones Away
19> Chase My Car
18> All My Lickin'
17> Roll Over, Beethoven! Good Boy!
16> Good Morning! Good Morning! Time for Walkies?
Good Morning! Good Morning! Maybe Toss Me a Tennis Ball?
Good Morning! Good Morning! C'mon! It's 6 AM already!
Good Morning!....
15> When I'm 9.14
14> The Ballad of Rex and Bingo
13> Eight Days in Heat
12> I Want to Hump Your Leg
11> Stuck Together
10> Fleas Tease Me
9> She Drank It From the Bathroom Toilet
8> Yelp!
7> Why Don't We Do It on the Lawn?
6> Iams the Walrus
5> Hey Food!
4> A Taste of Hiney
3> Lassie in the Sky With Dachsunds
2> Paperboy Biter
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song by the Beagles...
1> Rabies Are a Bitch, Man
v v v v v
One day while a elephant was walkin throught the woods she got a thorn
stuck in her foot.
She then asked an ant to help her get it out.
The ant replied "what do I get in return?"
The elephants says "if you get it out you can fuck me".
So the ant gets busy takin the thorn out. When he finally gets it out
he says "Ok it's out, are you ready?".
The elephants thinks hey, whats a lil ant gonna do anyways.
He climbs up and starts to work away... and just then a monkey overhead
drops a coconut on the elephants head.. and the elephant screams
"Ouch!", and the ant screams "Yeah take it all bitch"
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
Dottiesue16
v v v v v
Did you know that Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and
she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
v v v v v
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who
signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Darned if I know."
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home
and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.
She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now,
Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at
his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck,
you darn well better admit it!"
v v v v v
Click
here: Money News:- How to Avoid Spam Avalanche - AOL Money & Finance
http://money.aol.com/news/articles/_a/how-to-avoid-spam-avalanche/20070221111409990001
Unwanted commercial e-mail has surged in recent months as online fraudsters,
bogus pharmaceutical
suppliers and others send billions of pieces of spam engineered to pierce defenses
at companies of all sizes.
The share of e-mail deemed junk rose as high as 80% last month from as low as
47%
in September, says software security firm Symantec
.
v
v v v v
* What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot
* Why do blondes whistle in the shower?
So they know which lips to wash.
v v v v v
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was
a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down
the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows,
they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started
to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to
explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the
bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?"
"Well, darlin'," he says, "That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What
are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the
bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am
I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"
v v v v v
Marinating
Chicken
for
dummies
Chicken can be bland, so use a marinade to add juiciness and character. Think
of marinades as exaggerated salad dressings.
Like a dressing, a marinade is a mixture of oil and acid -- vinegar, citrus
juice, or a combination -- plus spices, herbs,
and other flavorings like hot pepper sauce or honey. Every component, including
the oil, is there for the flavor, and you
should always lean towards more rather than less spice.
Marinate with these guidelines:
* If you have only a short time (less than 2 hours) to marinate,
make a strongly flavored marinade. A cold
marinade combined with raw meat needs strong flavors to
make a difference. For longer marinating times (more
than 8 hours) seasonings can be toned down. Reduce the proportion
of acid for longer marinades as well.
* Mix a marinade in the morning before going to work. Then place
the chicken with its marinade in a
resealable plastic bag and store in the refrigeratoruntil
evening. When you come home at night, the chicken
will be ready to cook.
* Because acid breaks down fibers, avoid marinating poultry longer
than a day or it may develop an
unpleasant mushy, mealy texture on the surface.
v
v v v v
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten
minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without
batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I
would make it."
v v v v v
My sister walked into a men's clothing store looking to buy a
shirt for me and pants for my stepfather. Now, I'm well over six
feet tall and my stepdad is pretty short, so she asked a salesman
for help. "I'm looking for a shirt with an 18 neck and 38-inch
sleeves," she told him, "and trousers with a 30-inch waist and an
inseam of 27 inches."
After absorbing those measurements, the salesman said, "I have
to ask. Do this guy's knuckles drag on the floor?"
v v v v v
Click here: Using Smart Folders
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3Xse
OS X 10.4 and later allows you search for files in the Finder and save the search
results
as a Smart Folder. This allows you to find and work with
items stored in multiple locations.
v
v v v v
Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The
following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn
Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
v v v v v
The wedding date was set and the groom's
three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what
pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give hem a chuckle
or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but
wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies
received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. -
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. -
BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL
WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY.
v v v v v
Click here:
AARP Membership
http://www.aarp.org/sk/membership.html?keycode=U5HAD3
Anyone 50 or over can get all the great benefits of membership in
AARP for only $12.50
a year. And membership includes your spouse or partner, free!
Joining online is fast and secure. You become a member right away and receive
your membership number online. Lots of benefits and discounts
v
v v v v
The Italian immigrant went to the doctor to complain that he wasn't
sure how to make his new wife pregnant.
After struggling with language problems, the doctor simplified his
advice just stick your longest thing where your wife is hairiest.
Two months later, the Italian came back to complain that it didn't work.
"I've been sticking my nose in her armpit every night," he said,
"and nothing's happened."
v
v v v v
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of
newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good
news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Peters will be setting
the pace on our morning run.'
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight
and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."
v v v v v
When was the last time you peeked inside your dog's mouth? Not just a quick
look,
but a close inspection of the palate, gums, and all those soft, pink surfaces.
If you're thinking, "I never even thought of doing that," consider the fact
that about 1 in 20 dogs with oral tumors
gets lesions in his mouth first. And these often go unnoticed, because people
rarely look for early signs such
as discolorations and tiny bumps and lumps. Delays in detection make oral tumors
difficult to treat,
so be sure to do a spot check whenever you brush your pet's teeth.
v
v v v v
You're
An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her
kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much
gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen,
start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from thefridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House
of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a stinkin' law
against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
18. And the winner is:
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had nine children. They went
to the doctor to see
about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children
would they choose
to do this. The husband replied that they had heard recently that one out of
every ten children being born
in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither
of them could speak Spanish.
v
v v v v
SWEET
VIDALIA ONION & SAUSAGE CASSEROLE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
5 large vidalia onions, sliced and lightly sauteed
12 crushed buttery crackers
1 pound sausage meat, browned and drained
1/4 teaspoon seasoning salt
10 3/4 ounce can cream of mushroom soup
1/2 cup grated cheddar cheese
1 small jar of pimento
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine all ingredients except the crackers
and transfer to a large casserole dish. Top with crackers and bake for
30
minutes or until crackers are golden brown. Serve warm.
Category: Vegetables, Casseroles
v v v v v
Click here: Gadgets That Rock -
Kitchen Gadgets Every Home Should Have
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BPm
Gadgets...gadgets...everything from openers to poultry lifters - our homes cannot
function without
these kitchen wonders. Here are the must-haves, the ones we can't live without
and those you never knew you always wanted.
Click here: Home Organization -
Suggestions on Home Organization for Small Homes
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BHK
Home organization is essential when you live in cramp quarters. Without it,
stuff piles up and become
a source of headaches. No one wants that, right? Read on for my
top home organization suggestions.
v
v v v v
NOTE; A reporter for the New York Times was fired recently
for fabricating stories, plagiarizing stories, etc.
"But Chris," you ask, "How can *I* know if a reporter
is telling the truth?" I'm sooooo glad you asked....
The
Top 16 Signs a Newspaper Reporter Isn't Being Completely Honest
16> His "Crime Beat" report reads exactly like last week's episode of "CSI."
15> Has a framed picture of Geraldo Rivera on his desk.
14> All interviews she turns in are accompanied by a nonchalant
"He's still alive, right?"
13> "Dateline: Atlantis...."
12> Starts every story with "I never thought it could happen to
me, but there I was alone in my dorm...."
11> She backs up every claim with a confident "Sources close to
my imagination say...."
10> List of corrections has recently become larger than the sports section.
9> His latest headline: "President's New Tax Plan Benefits
Hotties Willing to Sleep With This Reporter."
8> Her last two stories were about Bill Clinton joining a
seminary and George W. Bush joining Mensa.
7> Repeated use of the phrase "so to speak" has the editor
constantly chugging Pepto Bismol.
6> "And then the thief charged $20,000 to your credit card?
How horrible! What's the number on your new card?"
5> His expense account only lists hallucinogens.
4> The most recent exclusive was "An Undercover Look at the
Aryan Brotherhood," by Lionel Washington.
3> His in-depth piece on industrial pollution includes quotes
from environmental expert Heywood Jablowme.
2> All of his stories take place in made-up places like "Idaho" and "Wyoming."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign a Newspaper
Reporter Isn't Being Completely Honest...
1> Article on tax breaks for the movie industry quotes "several
high-profile Republicans in Hollywood."
v
v v v v
Why don't they allow a man to marry 2 women in the U. S.?
No man deserves that kind of punishment!
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
a whole lot of you!
I know that there are those of you that still have no idea what a "NAPPY HEADED
HO" is,
so here you go!
v v v v v
Did you hear about the two blonde thieves that stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
v v v v v
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet
tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they
went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said
the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd
ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had
climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
v v v v v
Houseplants
That Clean Your Indoor Air
Certain houseplants help keep indoor air clean by removing
pollutants. The plants that clean air best are decided on four criteria:
1. Effectiveness in removing the three main indoor pollutants
(formaldehyde, benzene and carbon monoxide)
2. Ease of growing
3. Resistance to insect and disease
4. Ability to transpire moisture.
Based on these the top three houseplants were Lady Palm (Rhapis excelsa),
Rubber plant (Ficus robusta), and English
ivy (Hedera helix). You need two or three full-sized plants (in 10-12-inch containers)
per 100-150-square-foot room for
best results. If you don't have enough room for full-sized plants, place plants
in "breathing zones" in your room, such
as near the bed or office desk, for optimal results.
v
v v v v
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign
language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to
speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to
use
sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and
had taught him to speak in sign.
The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were
waving
their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!"
and
threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told
them
once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black
guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet
tall, 350 pounds,
20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings
him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions
everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch
private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds,
my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!!...
Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn Around'."
v v v v v
PRIVATE CHARACTER EDITOR.
There's a little-known feature in Windows XP. With it you can create up
to 6,400 unique
characters, create and edit characters, and use other advanced options.
Get there by opening the Run
window at the Start button and entering (without the quotes) "educedit" .
v
v v v v
A
circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded
about a table watching a little show. On the table was an
upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy
the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing
they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in
anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot
before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you
remember to light the candle under the pot?"b
v v v v v
The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing
shop had just been burglarized.
"It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as
it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
"Why is that?" the detective asked.
"Because today everything was on sale."
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BillieJo50
v
v v v v
A fellow was at the perfume counter trying samples so he could
decide what to buy for his girlfriend?
He asked the clerk, "What is this one called?"
She said, "It is called 'Perhaps'. It is $200 an ounce."
He said, "At that price it should be called 'Absolutely'"
v
v v v v
Ratcliffe was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his
wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates
and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Ratcliffe answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
v v v v v
Click here: Adult Weight
Gain Linked to Prostate Death -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/cc/?hash=1169625938722
Higher body mass index and weight gain in adulthood correlated strongly with
increased risk of death from
prostate cancer, say U.S. researchers. However, no such association was found
between BMI or weight gain
and the development of the cancer, according to Margaret E. Wright of the Division
of Cancer Epidemiology
and Genetics at the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Md.
Click
here: Top 7 Craziest Cancer Myths
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1Ck/Qw&sdn=stress&cdn=health&tm=47&gps=32_36_1193_850&f=00&su=p284.5.
420.ip_p339.0.420.ip_&tt=2&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//cancer.about.com/od/causes/tp/crazymyths.htm
Myths about the causes and prevention of cancer have been floating around for
years. While some have been
tame, there have been some cancer myths that are downright outlandish and ridiculous.
Check
out the craziest cancer myths in this Top 10 style list.
Click here: fluFACTS – Get the FACTS About
Flu Symptoms & Flu Treatment Options
http://www.flufacts.com/
Get the facts!
Click here:
Watching the Weight Creep Up After Menopause -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/archive/ALT02061206-01.html
If you're a woman embarking on the journey through menopause, you already know
that the change
of life will be challenging. The good news is that by the end of the trip, the
most annoying symptoms, including
hot flashes and night sweats, will be gone. The bad news is that the weight
gain that typically accompanies
the menopausal transition may be a little harder to shake. If you don't take
measures to
prevent it, you could end up with a 10- to 15-pound souvenir.
v
v v v v
There is a growing number of holistic
animal
clinics that offer the
same type of
homeopathic, new-age-y, non-Western treatments
as at similar facilities
for humans.
Acupuncture, massage therapy,
the works.
The
Top 9 Features of a Holistic Veterinary Clinic
9> Aura fluffing and de-lousing.
8> Dreamcatcher doubles as a fly trap to help feed pet amphibians.
7> Rolwf massage therapy.
6> Trained tapeworms explore and activate your pet's chakras.
5> Boafeedback.
4> A vast selection of butt and crotch aromatherapy scents.
3> Spaying via the Five-Point Palm Exploding Ovary Technique.
2> Each kennel is shaped like a pyramid.
and the Number 1 Feature of a Holistic Veterinary Clinic...
1> Primal yip therapy.
v
v v v v
Mr. Jones has an operation on his throat, so the only way he can get
nourishment is to be force-fed with a machine, through the rectum.
After three days of this, Mr. Jones calls for the nurse. He groans,
"Nurse, is there another one of these machines in the hospital?"
She says, "Yes, sir..."
He asks, "Could you roll it in here?"
She says, "Of course, sir. But why?"
He grunts, "I want you too have lunch with me.
v
v v v v
Click here: My Salad Will Go On!
- A Funny Picture From Humor Haus!
http://www.humorhaus.com/hh244.htm
Click
here: Chewy Central - Video Archive - ChewyCentral.Com
http://www.chewycentral.com/Media/Videos/ChewysFavoriteVideos/
How_To_Dance_Like_A_White_Guy_Hilarious__RID1549.aspx
This is hilarious ---- How to dance like a white guy !!
Click here: ~AIKEN
DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny1042.html
The new FRENCH version
v
v v v v
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny,
although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you
do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon
was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the
earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs
...the tallest ones, anyway.
v
v v v v
Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty
shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down
and waited.
Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts
out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"
v v v v v
v
v v v v
"Today marks the 47th anniversary of the invention of the birth
control pill. And for all you women out there that forgot to take
yours, Happy Mother's Day!"
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to
return to her husband.
At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.
Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered
her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached
as:
"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old
lady."
v v v v v
I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a
license plate reading 'BOBS MG'.
I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said
to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG."
The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob."
v v v v v
Click here: Women's
Institute for Financial Education
http://rd.bcentral.com/?ID=5126591&s=53622189
Ten New Attitudes for Re-creating Your Life This Year
Click here: Car Safety for Women
- About Car Safety for Women Who Drive Alone
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DGt
For women driving alone there are special car safety tips you should keep in
mind whether traveling on
or off campus. The following car safety tips for women will
keep you safe to and from your destination.
Click
here: About.com: http://www.hipsandcurves.com/
http://plussize.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=plussize&cdn=style&tm=153&gps=50
b_633_1193_850&f=00&su=p284.5.420.ip_&tt=3&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.hipsandcurves.com/
Sexy things just for us!
v
v v v v
"In Palm Beach, Florida this week, a shark attacked a lawyer who
was surfing. Remarkably, the shark survived."
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and
Technology. The Norwegians released a study today that says having
a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other words,
if you don't laugh at this newsletter, you're going to die.
v
v v v v
Click
here: What Every Woman Should Know About Men and Why Some Men Are Interesting
- Part 1
http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Every-Woman-Should-Know-About-Men-and-Why-Some-Men-Are-Interesting---Part-1&id=457929
Click
here: Wedding Anniversary
http://wedding-anniversary.fivesites.com/?uid=adwords-TS10039-db-200724-190256-17&search_type=content
Anniversary coming up? Maybe one of these sites could be of use to you!
Click here: Wysong: Love is in the
air - Travel Tips - MSNBC.com
http://g.msn.com/0NL49287/8650
With all the security hassles, financial woes and weather disruptions facing
the airline industry, the thought
of finding love amid the chaos of air travel seems pretty ridiculous. But don’t
dismiss the idea, for I have often
seen it happen. Yes, Cupid’s arrow would be confiscated by today’s security
agents,
but it can still find its target on the airplane or at the airport.
v
v v v v
Upon retiring from the service, my husband, Don, needed a new
ID card showing he had gone from active duty to retire- ment
status. But the photo taken of him was not particularly good. And
he wasn't at all quiet about it.
"If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life,"
he complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture."
"Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly.
"Then bring us a better face!"
v v v v v
I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license.
When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked
for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license
that she was holding in her hand.
v v v v v
TWEAKING THE ADDRESS BAR IN IE7
Steve in South Bend, IN, is having problems adjusting to Internet Explorer 7.
Particularly, he doesn’t like where the
address bar is located. He wants it at the very top of the window, like in IE
6. I hear you, Steve.
Sometimes software companies move things around for no good reason.
It isn’t too difficult to change the position of the address bar in IE 7. But
you’re going to have to make
a change to your big, bad registry! Don’t worry, though; I’ll help you.
First, close IE and any other open windows. Open a new file in Notepad (Start>>All
Programs>>Accessories>>Notepad).
Copy and paste the following EXACTLY into the text file:
[HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Toolbar\WebBrowser\]
"ITBar7Position"=dword:00000001
Save the file with a REG extension. For example, name it IE.reg. In Notepad’s
“Save as type” box, you’ll need to
select All Files. Close the file and then double-click it. It will update your
registry.
Before you make the changes, back
up your registry. This is very important. The steps are the same for XP
and Vista.
Speaking of Web browsers, you may consider trying a new one. I have links to
Firefox
and Opera
on my site. They’re both free.
v
v v v v
If I ever end up in jail, I hope it's
because I was convicted of something
cool-sounding, like "incitement to riot"
or "crimes against humanity," and not just
because Columbia House finally found me.
v v v v v
The worst thing about being your own boss
is knowing there will never be enough money to justify
filing that frivolous
sexual harassment suit against yourself.
v v v v v
Every time I download my e-mail and see messages
that say things like "old bitties getting nailed!" and "high
school hotties getting it on," it makes
me want to scream! It sucks enough that I'm not
getting any, but people I don't even know sending
me gloating e-mails is just way over the top!
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
Condoleeza Rice was Methodist, but became Presbyterian. You know
what that means? She's converted Rice.
v
v v v v
GRECIAN GREEN BEANS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 package green beans, drained
2 small onions, sliced and separated into rings
2 minced garlic cloves
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons sugar
2 teaspoons oregano
2 teaspoons prepared mustard
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/5 cup Coca-Cola
1/4 cup olive oil
2 tablespoons vinegar
DIRECTIONS:
In a large bowl, combine the garlic, parsley, sugar,
oregano, mustard, salt, Coca-Cola, olive oil and vinegar,
stirring until the sugar is dissolved. Add the beans and
onions; toss lightly with a fork. Pack into a 1 quart
jar. Cover and refrigerate several hours or overnight
so the flavors can blend.
v v v v v
Click here: ~*~
My Computer Family ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/mycomputerfamilybk.html
Click here: Having
Friends Is So Much Fun!
http://asandboxgreeting.com/capriciouscats.html
*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: ~ Checking
In ~
http://www.spiritisup.com/checkinginbk.html
v
v v v v
A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the
assistant and asked, "Is this good for wasps?"
After looking at it for a moment, he said, "No madam. It will kill them."
v
v v v v
The
Top 20 Driving Haikus
20> Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink
Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink.
Someday, you'll turn left.
19> Lumbering monster.
Imports scatter before me.
Fear my Escalade!
18> I'm in a hurry.
You are driving too slowly.
I must gesture now.
17> It's always the same:
"Next exit 84 miles"
When I have to pee.
16> Emits pollution
And spews poison gases. Car?
No, it's John Rocker.
15> Rearview mirror shows
Highway patrol behind me.
How many did I have?
14> Wake up in ER.
I was driving and reading,
Then I heard a crash.
13> Oooh, there's a Starbucks!
Let's pull over and buy some
Four-dollar coffee.
12> H2 SUV.
Traffic jam, gas tank on E.
U R SOL.
11> Run, pedestrian!
I can't stop! Jump that curb!... Damn.
Bumpers are *not* cheap.
10> An exact-change lane,
And you've only brought Visa?
Please, never leave home.
9> Wheels are like mountains
In your giant monster truck.
Your schlong? Still compact.
8> Ponytailed boomer
Doing thirty while singing
"Life in the Fast Lane."
7> Get off that cell phone!
Safety dictates only *one*
Driver's side air bag.
6> Use the crosswalk, fool!
I might not react in time!
Well, those are the brakes.
5> Self-important prick!
Signal turns or you may find
Baby on *dash* board.
4> Car slides over bridge!
Glad my underwear is clean.
Oops! I spoke too soon.
3> Cut *me* off, you scum?
Pass you on the right! I win!!
Morning, officer.
2> Something just happened
Between me and the leather.
Please crack a window.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Driving Haiku...
1> My toll-booth hottie
Can't hear my smooth pickup lines
Over the car horns.
v
v v v v
Click here: Your Car's
Welfare is Up to You!
http://autorepair.about.com/b/a/000011.htm
the most important things to remember when it comes to auto safety: It's up
to you to decide when
something's wrong! Nobody knows your car better than you. If something seems
funny, look into it.
If it seems dangerous, don't take the chance of something terrible happening.
Look into the problem or get a pro
to diagnose the situation. It's just not worth an accident to just "see how
it goes." This is especially
true when you're talking about something vital to your driving safety like brakes
or steering. Reading
up is always a good idea when you're trying to figure out an automotive issue,
but if things seem fishy, go with your gut.
Just because you read that a situation is ok, don't take it as gospel. If you
step on the brake pedal and
nothing happens, it's you (or worse, a loved one) behind the wheel, not some
guy writing an article about ABS brakes.
v
v v v v
The
Top 14 Last Words of Jerry Falwell
(Part
I)
14> "Screw the Lipitor, I feel fine!"
13> "I'd always wondered what it would be like to try this with a contortionist."
12> "Do I look fat in this hospital gown?"
11> "Autoerotic what? Never mind, it sounds like fun. I'll give it a shot."
10> "Waiter! More bacon and gravy!"
9> "Waitasecond... what if one of you Jew doctors is the anti-Christ?"
v v v v v
At my 15-year high school reunion, I finally had
the courage to tell this woman I'd had a crush
on since I was a kid how I felt, and we ended up
having hot monkey sex behind a tree in the schoolyard.
It was as though we had traveled back in time --
although I don't think Mrs.Carmichael's hip is quite as sturdy
as it was when she taught me in the first grade.
v v v v v
Click
here: Animated Screen (exe), from PY Software - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware,
Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=29449158-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Animated Screen creates professional screensavers and greetings. You can create
your screensavers from images,
text, shapes, or 3D objects, and manage their behavior, size, and appearance,
as well as mirror, rotate, and adjust
their colors. The program supports all major image and sound formats. It creates
standalone screensavers as
well as self-installing executables with links to your Web site and purchase
reminders. If you sell your screensavers,
you can generate registration keys for your customers with the program. This
version
has new image filter tolls to triangle sprites.
Click
here: 123 Free Solitaire 2006--Card Games Collection (exe), from TreeCardGames
- Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware, Tr
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=29449154-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
123 Free Solitaire 2006 card games collection includes 12 solitaire card games:
Diplomat, Eighteens, Flower Garden,
Forty Thieves, FreeCell, Grandfather's Clock, Klondike, Pyramid, Royal Rendezvous,
Spider Solitaire, Spider Solitaire
One Suit and Spider Solitaire Two Suits. 123 Free Solitaire 2006 features a
winning layout, fast game play, rich
sounds, extensive options, and quality help. Each solitaire has more than 9
trillion possible games to play,
so the game remains fresh no matter how many times you play. Under Windows XP,
123 Free Solitaire 2006 is fully skinnable
with XP themes and visual styles.Version 5.50 adds a new game: Forty Thieves.
Click
here: Hacker 2005 - The Broken Link (exe), from Blind Virus - Free Downloads
on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=29449161-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Working for a black agency, your mission is to steal money, files, and other
valuable material from Internet servers
across the world. Experience the thrill of being put into a new life; that of
an experienced computer hacker.
With advanced tools at your disposal, cracking into computer servers almost
seems too easy. Just don't get
over confident. At any moment your location may be traced, and your game...
may be over.
v
v v v v
Father's
Day Is Coming Soon. Here's A Handy Tool Glossary:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your can drink across the room, splattering
it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used as
replacement for screwdriver.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16
or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW!
v v v v v
"It was a beautiful spring day here in New York City today.
It was so nice I saw construction workers giving the Statue of
Liberty her annual bikini wax."
Dave Letterman
v
v v v v
Top
Ten Onstage Meltdowns
In honor of Guns N' Roses pulling their shit together and working a well-received
and functional tour (with a
gig at Continental Arena tonight and MSG on Friday), the New York Post put together
a chronological list of their
top ten rock 'n' roll concert debacles. Some you know, some may be a history
lesson.
1. The Kinks: The Post speaks to two events here. First, during a concert in
The Kink's '60s heyday, Dave Davies
worked himself into a tantrum and released the beast by knocking over one of
Mick Avory's drums; Avory responded
by crashing him with a cymbal. Another event occurred years later, when
Dave objected to his brother (and Kinks
lead singer-songwriter) Ray bringing his girlfriend on stage. Girlfriend's identity?
One Chrissie Hynde.
2. The Who:At the band's Woodstick set in '69, acid-loving activist Abbie Hoffman
tried to grab the mic
after "See Me, Feel Me" to preach his good word (Hoffman denies the entire
incident). Pete Townsend promptly
took his guitar to Abbie's head and said, "Fuck off my fucking stage!"
3. The Rolling Stones: Altamont. You oughta know. Watch Gimme Shelter or read
_Wiki_
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altamont_Free_Concert) .
4. G.G. Allin: This dude was a punk singer whose shows were often less
about the music and more
about the extremes to which he would violate himself, his audience, and
his stage (via urination and defication).
Check out _this montage_ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gg77vAx9Zk)
to get a feel.
5. Guns N' Roses: The infamous Metallica/GN'R show of '92 in Montreal,
with Metallica opening and forced
to cut their set short due to James Hetfield catching on fire ('cause
of a bum pyrotechnic – a reasonable excuse
to call out sick), and Axl walking off stage after just four songs ('cause
his voice wasn't
feeling well). Cue insane rioting.
6. Cat Power: We know how well she's doing now, but we know it's been a rough
road for Chan to stage comfort.
The Post singles out the '99 Bowery gig where Chan ended a song in the audience
with her nose pressed to the ground
and unsure audience members gathering around to calm her. Now she's the face
of Chanel and an SNL hopeful. Who knew!
7. Fiona Apple: Seems like everyone's got a story from a Fiona gig, and the
Post recalls Apple's 1997 VMA
acceptance speech ("The world is bullshit!") and her Roseland Ballroom
sound-problem fueled walk-off ("Fuck,
this is a nightmare."). But if she wasn't so nutso, her music just wouldn't
be as good, ya know?
8. Ryan Adams: The cautionary tale told to all first time Ryan Adams concert
attendees: Don't call him Bryan! It
was a 2002 gig in Nashville where a heckler found it witty to continually
request "Summer Of '69," until Ryan had
him refunded and ejected – with the house lights up! Always so dramatic, that's
our Ry.
9. Great White: One of the biggest tragedies in rock history. Another bum pyrotechnic
tale, only this one involves
a Rhode Island rock club, impermissibly flammable soundproofing, and 100
deaths. Suppose the Post
was going with "meltdown" quite literally with this one.
10. Blondie: The scene was set at the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame induction
ceremony for Blondie, with
Debbie Harry ready to take the stage and play her inaugural gig. Former
Blondie guitarist Frank Infante crashed
the ceremony and asked to join. Debbie's response: "Can't you see my real
band is up there?" Ouch.
This is obviously the sort of stuff that's impossible to whittle down to a
"Top 10" format (precisely what makes it so much
fun!), so rather than ask you about the merits of the list, we'd rather hear
about the craziest stage breakdowns you've
ever seen -- doesn't matter how big the band (though if we know 'em it's obviously
a cooler story!). We just wanna
hear about the crazy shit you've seen performers do when their thinking
is a little skewed.
Bonus points if you were at any of the incidents in the Post's list.
v
v v v v
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan
with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from
Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided
to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat,
he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast
Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How
fast were you going when you hit shore?"
v v v v v
Prior to the inventions of scissors around
1500 BC and paper around 100 BC, it was really boring
playing Rock, Rock, Rock.
v v v v v
v
v v v v
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers (hens),
called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for
you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup
pot and was replaced. That took
an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters. Each bell had
a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the
porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning John
noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other
roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer
John's amazement, old Butch
had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old
Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight
sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but
they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who
else but a politician could figure
out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up
on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
v
v v v v
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people
are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used
by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..."
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
in case you might have missed a previous issue!
v
v v v v
I still think one of mankind's greatest
inventions is that little brown strip
that appears in the bottom of my underwear
to tell me when it's time to wash them.
v v v v v
"Bob Barker is on the show tonight. He was hosting "The Price
Is Right" before there was money. Back then, it was called "The
Barter System Is Right." 'The retail price of that vegetable is
two goats.'"
-Craig Ferguson
v v v v v
People say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you
ever know anybody who rested to death?
v
v v v v
Click here: Windows Versions &
Updates
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/35OH
Learn about and install the latest Windows updates. Review newer versions of
Windows and consider upgrading.
Click
here: What are PowerToys - Learn about Windows PowerToys
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=windows&cdn=compute&tm=5&gps=82_217_1193_850&
f=00&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//windows.about.com/od/freepowertoyssoftware/f/powertoy.htm
PowerToys are small programs produced by Microsoft that extend the functions
of Microsoft Windows.
PowerToys are one type of free add-ons that Microsoft developers for Windows
users. Although
Microsoft developers PowerToys, they don't support the tools.
The
Vista Sidebar: A Truly Active Desktop
Microsoft has tried to put "active" items on the Windows desktop for nearly
a decade. Finally, with Vista's
Sidebar, success seems within grasp. Stability problems that dogged previous
versions aren't as readily apparent -- which is
to say, Sidebar doesn't crash nearly as often as, say, Active Desktop in Windows
XP -- and the items it offers actually help.
The items in the Sidebar, termed Gadgets, can interact with you, with Windows,
with files and folders, with your network, and with
other Gadgets. Vista ships with a handful of moderately interesting Gadgets
-- a clock (you can put more than one clock
on your desktop, each set to a different time zone), an RSS reader, an application
launcher, and others.
Gadgets start on the Sidebar, but they don't have to stay there.
Simply click and drag a Gadget anyplace you like.
Discover Vista's features in the Windows Vista All-in-One Desk
Reference For Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/product
Cd-0471749419.html?cid=etipBookLink ],
by Woody Leonhard.
v
v v v v
The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator,
a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello,
Teddy, how are you?"
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the
piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"
"Take it easy, Honey," said the groom,
"I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."
v
v v v v
Gus, a traveling salesman, stopped at a gas station to use
the facilities. The restroom had two commodes, and there
was a man already using one of them. They nodded at each
other and went about their business. Gus finished first and
as he pulled up his pants, some change fell out of his
pocket into the bowl. He looked at it for a moment, then
threw a $50 into the bowl.
"What did you do that for?!" the other man asked.
Gus replied, "Well, you don't expect me to put my hand in
there for thirty-five cents, do you?"
v
v v v v
Click here: Technology
News: E-Commerce: The Invasion of the Cell Phone Ads
http://www.technewsworld.com/story/55819.html
Expect companies to trot out various styles of advertising for mobile devices,
with possible methods including
banners, text messages and multimedia messages. However, the personalized nature
of the cell phone, which appeals
to advertisers, for many people is considered simply too personal to be invaded
by outside interests.
Click here: Used cell phones turned
into food
http://www.simcoe.com/article/33674
Rogers Cable has partnered with food banks across Canada to promote recycling,
while generating income
for the agencies that provide emergency food assistance every year to hundreds
of thousands of Canadians.
Locally, representatives of Rogers Cable joined Dennis Willer, executive director
of the Barrie Food Bank,
to announce the “Phones for Food” campaign. The program began in 2003 as an
initiative of the Canadian
Association of Food Banks to help combat hunger, and divert waste from landfill
sites. Since inception, more than $300,000
has been raised for food banks. In excess of 132,000 wireless devices have
been turned in for recycling or refurbishing.
v
v v v v
Pharmacist to customer: "Take these pills as often as you
can get the cap off."
v v v v v
For
his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are
not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at
the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the
cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
v v v v v
Click
here: New England Inns & Resorts Association - New England Country Inns,
Romantic Vacations & Hotels
http://www.thayerinteractive.com/clickthru/clickthrough.rry/57302
So many wonderful places to stay -- romantic too!
Click
here: Myrtle Beach Online, Lodging, Golf, Tourism, Vacation Package, Things
to do
http://goplayoutdoors.com/Member/MyrtleBeach/index.htm
Find many Myrtle Beach vacation package options along our 60 miles of beautiful
South Carolina coastline
from North Myrtle Beach to South Myrtle Beach. Choose from over 50 hotel, motel,
resort, condo or cottage options.
Myrtle Beach is one of America’s top vacation destinations. Things
to do in Myrtle Beach:
* Over 100 golf courses
* Fishing and water sports
* Shopping and sightseeing
* Dining and nightlife
* Tennis and trails
* Intracoastal cruising and charters
Click here: Hawaii State Vacation
Planner - Hawaii vacation information, Waikiki
and Big Island of Hawaii vacation rentals, Ma
http://www.bestplaceshawaii.com/
Hawaii Vacation or Vacation Hawaii -- these two Hawaii travel
phrases define the dream tropical vacation
experience of a lifetime. The Hawaii State Vacation Planner helps you plan and
experience your own dream Hawaii
Vacation. Best Places Hawaii is where you can "stop searching and start planning"
your dream Hawaii vacation.
Here, you will find complete Hawaii travel and vacation information including
the largest direct source of Hawaii vacation
rental homes, vacation rental condos, bed and breakfasts, resorts, hotels, and
spas. The Hawaii State Vacation
Planner also features the largest collection of vacation activities including
luaus, helicopter tours, whale-watching,
snorkeling, kayaking, fishing, surfing, hiking, golf, guided tours and more.
You will find extensive information
on wedding and honeymoon services, major Hawaii events, dining, entertainment,
shopping,
real estate, airlines, rental cars, and travel booking providers.
v
v v v v
The blind date hadn't been all that great and Mary was
relieved the evening was finally over.
At her apartment door, Little Johnny suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna
see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in
the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design,.... does it also come in
men's sizes?"
v
v v v v
Golf - the four letter word explained
1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of
tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."
v
v v v v
When
I fight authority, authority always wins
-- which is why I prefer just to scatter
drywall screws in authority's driveway.
(Brian J. Noggle)
I used to think it was the winter hat
he wore around the house that makes
my 2-year-old son look like one of
the McKenzie brothers, but now I'm
pretty sure its the beer in his hand.
(Kimberly
Ciesiolka)
It's a pity my son has allergies to pet hair.
He'll never know the joy of seeing the look
on the cat's face when you pull a strand
of Christmas tree tinsel out of its ass.
(Allen
Lindsey)
v
v v v v
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes.
"I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first.
"They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second.
"They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added
the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
v v v v v
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner
summoned his two-man sales force into his office. "Things
aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So
to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The
guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said,
"The loser gets to give it."
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Click here: Exactly One Billion Mazes
to Solve
http://www.onebillionmazes.com/
If you like mazes then one billion should make you happy!
Click here: WildGames
http://www.wildgames.com/ECS/htdocs/AllGames.aspx
Lots of fun games here --- all kinds!
Click here: Lonely Planet
| Cities
http://www.lonelyplanet.com/cities/game.cfm
Find the 45 cities hidden in this busy street scene.
v
v v v v
What's the definition of an impotent loser?
A guy who can't even get his hopes up.
v
v v v v
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the
employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to
work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."
v v v v v
v
v v v v
My creative mother enjoys doing crafts, such as making
potpourri boxes decorated with ribbon and lace. Sometimes
she gets so involved that she disappears into her upstairs
workroom for hours, forgetting about more mundane things
--- like making dinner.
One evening I arrived home to find the kitchen empty again.
But this time I found a note: "Warning! Small craft advisory:
Buy yourself a pizza."
v
v v v v
Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church
choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the
kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song,
Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't
you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make
sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
v
v v v v
sorry!
life is so busy right now!
v
v v v v
Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
v
v v v v
Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
v
v v v v
©1999
- 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
v
v v v v
386