Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
*KISS*
Thanks for never reminding me that I have used a certain joke or two more than
once -- some just
*need* to be run here again!
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural
Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove
past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the
middle of the road. The workers explained the detour route to town,
and she went on her way.
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward
them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she said distractedly
as she again pulled up next to the trench crew. "Is it closed in
this direction too?"
v
v v v v
If you are as much as
a sucker for
salty/crunchy/sweet snack food combinations
as I
am... oh, who am I kidding? You aren't. I'm
an
unstoppable lardass-in-training
over here.
These are about the ONLY salty/crunchy/sweet
snack combos
I wouldn't eat.
The Top 7 Salty/Crunchy/Sweet Snack Combinations
That Even The
GOOF Wouldn't Eat
7> That stuff that's welded to the roof of the office microwave.
6> Sugar Frosted Snails.
5> Party-Mix: Anchovies and crispy-fried grasshoppers with
marshmallow peeps.
4> Honey-Roasted Boogers.
3> Bris-cuits.
2> Nacho Cheese Dorito Chip Ice Cream.
and the Number 1 Salty/Crunchy/Sweet Snack
Combination
That Even
The GOOF Wouldn't Eat...
1> Kibbles-and-Alpha Bits.
v
v v v v
Emerald
Isle
1 tsp Creme de Menthe
2 oz Gin
3 dashes Bitters
Directions
Stir all ingredients with ice,
strain into a cocktail glass, and serve.
After
Sex
2
cl Vodka
2 OJ
1 cl Creme de Bananas
Pour the vodka and creme over some ice cubes
in a tall glass and fill up with juice. To make
it beuty full make the top of the glass with
a grenadine and sugar.
v
v v v v
Two male pilots at Southwest Airlines were
fired
recently for taking off their uniforms and flying
a plane nearly naked. As if that weren't enough,
a businessman announced the creation
of the
first-ever naked airline, with
its first
flight scheduled to go from Miami to
Cancun.
What is this world coming to?
And more
importantly, how can
I get a ticket?
The
Top 15 Differences on a Naked Airline Flight
15> You don't instinctively panic when someone yells, "We're going down!"
14> The liquor bottles aren't the only obviously undersized objects on the
flight.
13> Look at those beautiful leather seats! Never mind -- that's
just the AARP group returning from Cancun.
12> Three straight hours of the guy next to you asking for help adjusting
his seat belt.
11> "Sorry about that turbulence, ladies and gentlemen -- my
co-pilot grabbed the wrong stick."
10> "Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned off the 'No Groping' sign...."
9> "We'll now begin pre-boarding for passengers with cups C through D."
8> You lowered your window shade, but you can still see a full moon.
Six of 'em, in fact.
7> Earning Mile High Club membership requires much less
strategizing than with other airlines.
6> At meal time, nobody orders the pulled chicken.
5> "... and those of you on the left side of the cabin, if you
now look to the right, you can see the towering timber of flight
attendant Brian."
4> The guy next to you won't shut up about how tough it is
to be the only African-American on the Supreme Court.
3> It's much easier to tell when somebody's coming down the aisle with nuts.
2> "And now in the left aisle, serving cocktails, come on
guys, put your hands together for *Taammyyyy*!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference on a Naked Airline Flight...
1> Forget flotation devices -- after what those seat cushions
have been through, you'd rather drown.
v
v v v v
"A producer has been fired from CBS News because Katie Couric taped
a story for the news that turned out to be plagiarized from The
Wall Street Journal. Viewers became suspicious when they noticed
that Couric was reading the story directly out of The Wall Street Journal."
Conan O'Brien
v
v v v v
Click here: del.icio.us
http://del.icio.us/
All your bookmarks in one place -- check out what other people are bookmarking!
Click
here: Quiz: Are You Ready to Repot? - Beliefnet.com
http://www.beliefnet.com/section/quiz/index.asp?sectionID=203&surveyID=395
Quiz: Are You Ready to Repot?
Are you ready to change your life? Like a plant, your roots--your hopes and
dreams--need
to be nourished. Take the Repotting test by Diana Holman and Ginger Pape (reprinted
from
repotting.com), to see if you've outgrown
your daily circumstances and are ready for a larger
growth environment. Then check out the
10 steps of "repotting
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: CAVEMAN'S CRIB
http://www.cavemanscrib.com/
Remember the caveman from TV ads? Here's his pad -- check it out
Click here: I Remember JFK:
A Baby Boomer's Pleasant Reminiscing Spot
http://www.irememberjfk.com/mt/index.html
Are you old enough to remember JFK's assassination? For many of us, the worldshaking
event was our first coherent
memory. If you can recall that sad day, you will have a wonderful time here
perusing memory-jogging thoughts
to stimulate pleasant feelings of nostalgia. And if you were born a bit too
late to remember? No problem, you
will likely recognize many of the memories that will be discussed here.
Click
here: Salary.com's Cost of Living Wizard Tool
http://swz.salary.com/CostOfLivingWizard/layoutscripts/coll_start.asp
Salary.com builds on-demand software around a deep domain knowledge in the area
of compensation to help
customers win the war for talent by simplifying the connections between people,
pay and performance. Salary.com's
cutting edge technology is integrated with actionable data
and content, empowering customers to make the
best decisions about pay and performance and help them to attract, motivate,
reward and retain top performers.
On-demand data, software and services make the expertise of Salary.com's team
of certified compensation
professionals available to everyone - from the largest employers to small business
owners and individuals -
facilitating fast, accurate decisions that deliver superior results.
Salary.com's compensation experts know technology and their technologists are
trained and certified to know compensation.
These groups collaborate to build great software products that are best of breed
in their category and reflect the best
practices used in the workplace. This commitment to a continued focus
on quality is
what sets Salary.com apart from its competitors.
Click
here: recordonline.com - Animal rescuer Sara Whalen dies
http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070320/NEWS/703200320
An angel on earth dies.
The Pets Alive founder broke her back trying to move a pony she had rescued
and brought to her
Wallkill sanctuary. Doctors using a rod to stabilize her back made a grim discovery
— a tumor. The cancer had started in her lungs and had spread.
Yesterday, Whalen died at the Horton campus of Orange Regional Medical Center.
She was 64.
For 35 years, Whalen took in the throwaways — the ill, injured, neglected and
abused cats, dogs, horses, even potbellied pigs.
Her love for animals began in her youth, growing up in Binghamton. As a teenager,
her brother Bill Seiden recalls, she
tackled a state trooper who had shot a black Labrador that had been hit by a
car.
At Pets Alive, she found homes for some, but not all. The unwanted, unadoptable
always lived
out their days in peace, in her care at the Wallkill sanctuary.
Click
here: 101 Jobs to make you appreciate your own more
http://www.jobprofiles.org/library/guidance/crappy-jobs.htm
Other articles here such as 'how to switch careers without screwing yourself
over'
Click here: Flixfind.com::A Directory
Of The Finest Movie Links On The Web!
http://flixfind.com/Weblog/
Love movies like I do? Lots of movie trailers, search tools, movie news,
film reviews and more
Click
here: Immigration_by_the_Numbers.mov - Google Video
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4094926727128068265&q=roy+beck&hl=en
Something EVERYONE should read
v
v v v v
Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward getting medicated for
it.
v
v v v v
"There's a rumor that Jennifer Lopez broke up with Marc
Anthony. Yeah. And today's rumor: She's dating Julius Caesar."
Craig Ferguson
v
v v v v
by deb
The
Book of Lost Things
by
John Connolly
High in his attic bedroom, twelve-year-old David mourns the death of his
mother. He is angry and alone, with only the
books on his shelf for company. But those books have begun to whisper
to him in the darkness, and as he takes
refuge in his imagination, he finds that reality and fantasy have begun to
meld. While his family falls apart around
him, David is violently propelled into a land that is a strange reflection
of his own world, populated by heroes
and monsters, and ruled over by a faded king who keeps his secrets in a
mysterious book... The Book of Lost Things.
Connolly's book takes readers back into the imaginations they once held as
children, reminding them
of the time when they created fantasy worlds before adulthood changed
them forever.
I am not interested in fantasy, but the true meaning of this story goes far
beyond what is make believe.
I found this book to be a bit violent - even so it was an interesting
read and unlike a lot of books, I loved the ending.
v
v v v v
The
little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone
call while her parents were out. A man called, identifying
himself as Colonel Hendrick.
She asked if he would please spell the name slowly.
He said, "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in
doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in kite."
When her father returned, he found the following message:
"Daddy, call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."
v v v v v
Q. What does a woman do if her boyfriend walks out?
A. Close the door.
v
v v v v
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the
breast or testicles when a female student asked another male
student and me if we ever got an erection while we did self
-examination of our testicles. We answered that it was possible
that we had. You know, you don't really want everyone to know
when you get aroused. She then asked, "What do you do about it?"
We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then say, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"
We said no way!
She then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down without
having an orgasm?"
We both said yes.
At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"
v
v v v v
Avoiding
a Variety of Viruses
The Internet brings the world to your doorstep, but it also brings hoaxters,
scam artists, and phishers. Without the right
protection, your computer is subject to getting sick from a virus. Viruses come
in these different shapes and forms.
* E-mail virus: This kind of virus reproduces itself by going into
the recipient's Address Book, taking down
names, and e-mailing itself to tens or hundreds of people
at once. It's important to remember that no
virus can spread inside an e-mail message. Viruses travel
by e-mail, but not inside messages -- they
travel in files attached to e-mail messages.
* Time bomb: This is a virus that is programmed to lie quietly
in wait on a computer until the appointed hour,
when it "explodes" and causes damage.
* Trojan horse: This virus masquerades as one kind of program but
is really another. The game you thought you
downloaded turns out not to be a game at all, but a virus.
Trojan horses travel on the Internet by stealth,
not by reproducing themselves quickly like other viruses.
* Worm: This is a virus that quickly makes copies of itself on
many computers. Worms infect a security hole
in a network, and when they are inside the network, quickly
copy themselves from computer to computer. Code
Red, the most notorious worm, copied itself to a quarter-million
computers during one day in July 2001.
Viruses slow Internet traffic. They clog computer networks. They make computers
run more slowly by tying up a computer's
processor. They destroy important files. Always be on the alert for viruses,
and make sure that antivirus software is installed
on your computer.
The Everyday Internet All-in-One Desk Reference For Dummies
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764588753.html?cid=etipBookLink
],
by Peter Weverka, is your one-stop guide to using online
resources, keeping in touch, and having fun!
Click
here: PC World - Chart - Top Antivirus Performers
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,130869-page,1/article.html
Check out the top antivirus software programs!
v
v v v v
Q. What's the definition of an 11?
A. A 10 that swallows!
v v v v v
Adam and Eve are in the garden and Adam is talking to God.
Adam says to God,"God, why did you make Eve so beutiful?"
God says, "So you¡ll love her Adam.
Adam says, "God, why did you make Eve so sexy?"
God says, "So you will love her Adam."
Adam says, "Then why the hell did you make her so damn stupid?"
God says, "So she will love you Adam."
v v v v v
Click
here: Welcome to HORMEL® NATURAL CHOICE™
http://www.hormelnatural.com/
Hormel Foods recognizes that times are changing and that people like you are
looking for better alternatives
to offer your family. You want foods that fit your health-conscious lifestyle
but you don’t want to sacrifice taste.
That’s why Hormel Foods created the NATURAL CHOICE® line of all natural, preservative-free
products.
Click here:
Williams-Sonoma | Recipe Home
http://www.williams-sonoma.com/recipe/index.cfm?flash=on
Recipes and ideas for Asian spices
v
v v v v
A marathon will be run at the North Pole. The winner is the guy
who runs 26 miles and can still find his testicles.
Conan O'Brien
v
v v v v
Do you know the difference between a gigolo,a doctor,a rabbi,and a
chorus girl?
A gigolo is a penis vendor,a doctor a penis mender,a rabbi is a penis
ender,and a chorus girl is a penis bender.
v v v v v
Click here: Speed Up Your Mac
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BMX
Is your Mac running slow? Try these OS X tune-up tips!
Click here: » Apple
releases Mac OS 10.4.9 | The Apple Core | ZDNet.com
http://blogs.zdnet.com/Apple/?p=459&tag=nl.e550
Waiting in your Software Update is Mac
OS 10.4.9. Resist the urge to install it tonight, people. Wait at
least 72 hours before installing a major software update like this. Personally,
I'm waiting until at least Monday.
The 10.4.9 Update is recommended for PowerPC and Intel-based Mac computers currently
running Mac OS X Tiger
version 10.4.8 and includes general operating system fixes, as well as specific
fixes or compatibility
updates for the following applications and technologies:
v
v v v v
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play with them. They thought it was because they weren't baptized.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there.
One said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the
toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked,
"What religion are we?"
We're not catholic cause they pour the water on you and we're not
Baptist cause they dunk your whole body."
The littlest one said, "I smelled that water and I know what we are
we're Pisscopalians
v
v v v v
The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful
young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown.
He had carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs.
As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with
great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken
great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other
firemen who were trying to get to you."
v
v v v v
Click here: Exercise Reduces
Risk of Dementia in Older Adults
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BH
Growing body of research demonstrates link between exercise and dementia
Increasingly, research shows that older adults who engage in a consistent exercise
program reduce their risk of developing age-related dementia
Click here:
Life Care Planning - Hurley Elder Care Law, Safeguarding the Golden Years
http://www.hurleyeclaw.com/lifecarelanding.html
The questions we face in the last 30 years of life are no less daunting than
those we faced in the first 30. The good
news is that modern medicine and healthier lifestyles have made it possible
for us to live far longer than we could
have hoped even 50 years ago. The bad news is that physical longevity
can bring with it a host of challenges:
v
v v v v
"I've good news for you," said the psychiatrist. "You're a well man. It
won't be necessary for you to continue the analysis any longer."
"How wonderful, doctor," said the patient. "I'm so very pleased, I wish
there were something special I could do for you in return."
"Oh, that's not necessary. You've paid your bill and that's
all that's expected."
"But really, doctor, I'm so elated I could kiss you!"
"No, don't do that. Actually, we shouldn't even be lying here
on the couch together."
v
v v v v
A young soldier is being reprimanded by his commanding officer for
moving and giving away his position during a camouflage and concealment exercise.
"Young man, don't you realise your comrades are depending on you? You
could have gotten them all killed!" the commander shouts.
"Yes sir, I know, but I thought I'd done rather well up to that point",
the soldier replies. "I didn't flinch when the wasp landed on my nose,
I didn't move when the bird crapped on my head and I didn't say a thing
when the dog cocked it's leg on my boots. But when I felt the two
squirrels run up my trouser leg and heard one say, 'Let's have half now and
save
the other one for winter' I couldn't help myself!"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
KP1983
v
v v v v
Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she
got about to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then
ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what
that smells like a rose, call me again."
v
v v v v
A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator
shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
"I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can
get a pair of shoes for free."
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing
waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper
watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an
embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
"Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any
shoes either!"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
v
v v v v
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to
have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during the first
trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester
they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were
limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"
"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
So, we had this great 10-year-old cat named Jack who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and
nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this
mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 2
years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick.
LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it.
So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick
and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right
back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to
get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are
fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one
at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and
everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the
amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am
looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner
to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick
very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and
said, "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their
little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the
FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that
no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there
will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick
on the cat's butt.
v
v v v v
Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v
v v v v
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
v
v v v v
"Here's a great story: A guy in Alaska goes fishing and he catches
a 90-year-old fish, a 90-year-old fish. You know, I look at it this
way ? if I want a 90-year-old fish, I'll just order the seafood
platter at Red Lobster."
Dave Letterman
v
v v v v
The
Top 8 Signs You Go to Too Many Movies
8> You blink 24 times a second.
7> You constantly wear a welder's mask so that you see everything in perfect
16:9.
6> The commercials they show before the movie mention you by name.
5> You have a seat in the theater with a custom-fitted ass print.
4> Roger Ebert thinks you should get out of the theater and get some exercise.
3> Your idea of a balanced breakfast is a bowl of Sno-Caps and a 64-ounce
glass of Coke.
2> Foreplay consists of telling your wife, "Please turn off your
cell phone. No loud talking. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the
show!"
and the Number 1 Sign You Go to Too Many Movies...
1> You're the reason "Gigli" was able to stay in the Top 10 on the first
week.
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
oldwild@juno.com
Ponderisms
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going
to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
v v v v v
Getting
a little action means I don't need fiber today.
v v v v v
I confess I'm not into this popular blogging thing, but Microsoft
provides an authoring tool if you are. It's Windows
Live Writer
Windows
Address Book
Have
you heard of this term before? If not this exact one, I'm sure you know what
I'm talking about.
The Windows Address Book is basically just another way to describe the address
book a lot of us use in Outlook Express. Who knew?!
It
is a component of all the Windows operating systems that anyone can use to keep
a list of all their contacts.
It's mostly used with Outlook Express, but it is compatible with several Windows
programs as well. Every time
you add a name to your contacts list, a new entry is added under the .WAB files,
which is the format the address
book uses. Those files can usually be found in your computer's Documents and
Settings folder. (To find that,
double click on the My Computer icon, double click on the C: drive
and choose the Documents and Settings folder).
The
files are kept there in the .WAB format. This way, they are readily available
for any program you may
want to use the address book in. Now, don't get this confused with the address
book in Microsoft Outlook. Outlook
does not use the Windows Address book and those files are stored under the .pst
format. Along with that,
the new Windows Vista operating system will use a new tool called Contacts to
replace the Windows Address
Book, so that's something to keep an eye out for as well. For now though, the
Windows Address Book can be
found by going to Start, All Programs, Accessories, Address
Book or you can
always access it through your Outlook Express
Erin
worldstart.com
v
v v v v
Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were
having a pretty good season. One morning he was shaving and the
phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports
Illustrated wanted to talk to him.
Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to
receive national recognition in this famous sports maga- zine. As
a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with
his razor.
Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the
phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and
bruised, he made it to the phone and breath- lessly said, "Hello?"
The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris?"
"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.
Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five
cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."
v
v v v v
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there
but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he
takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell
you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
The
Top 10 Sure-to-Fail Pickup Lines Used by Women
10> "Come back with me to my place. Just promise you'll be quiet
so we don't wake Mom."
9> "Hmmmm, you wouldn't happen to have a taller, handsomer,
richer brother, would you?"
8> "You're sort of handsome, in a Frankenstein sort of way."
7> "Let's go to your place. My homicidal ex-convict husband has
been on a rampage of late."
6> "So, wanna hear about my cats?"
5> "Come back to my apartment and I'll show you my Guinness Book
plaque for biggest gang bang."
4> "The bad news is my six kids are very active. The good news is
my herpes isn't."
3> "I'd love for you to come home with me, but keep in mind there
will be no kissing or groping, and I am most certainly not
putting any little appendages in my mouth."
2> "You don't watch 'Dateline NBC,' do you?"
and Topfive.com's
Number 1
Sure-to-Fail Pickup Line Used
by Women...
1> "Hey, wanna buy your future wife a Zima?"
v
v v v v
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions,
and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to
loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her
aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in
first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's
pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this
point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get
to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
v
v v v v
Click
here: One In Eight Homes Dump Landlines - SlipperyBrick
http://www.slipperybrick.com/2007/01/one-in-eight-homes-dump-landlines/
Americans are dumping their land lines for mobile phones. This
alone probably does not surprise
and you may wonder why anyone cares. Well there is a segment that does care:
telephone surveyors.
You know those pesky callers you get right about the time you’re about to dig
into that yummy Tater Tot casserole.
Click
here: In Touch Too Much? - RealAge Tip of the Day
http://ramailer.realage.com/ct/click?q=2f-hY_FIqnd36jA8WIP1aoFQ7f0
No question about it: Your cell phone is a convenient way to stay connected.
But could you be addicted to it?
Answer the following questions to find out. Are you preoccupied with your cell?
Do you continue to use
it despite soaring bills? Do you get irritable when you try to cut down on calls?
Researchers associate affirmative
answers to these questions with addiction-like behavior. A break from
your cell may be just what the doctor ordered
v
v v v v
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was
anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure
your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost
$1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments
for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a
new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
v
v v v v
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone
wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For
several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl
looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly
on the cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow."Well, now," he said, "my
thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye
paid me that first penny?"
v
v v v v
Click here: SeeAmerica.org – US Travel
and US Vacation Guide, United States Travel
http://www.seeamerica.org/
This is your link to information about traveling, touring and vacationing in
the USA!
Autumn
in the Rockies
Fall in Colorado starts off with a burst of color, but its end can be a little
bleak. It's fabulous because:
* Denver is at its sunniest and driest, and the temperature here
remains pretty temperate -- 60s in
October, 50s in November. And the leaves first start turning
colors in early October, so the foliage season
lasts longer than in the mountains.
* Come autumn, the changing leaves in the mountains can be nearly
as extraordinary as the late-summer
wildflowers are. Rocky Mountain maple, Gambel oak, and
quaking aspen spatter the hills with red, orange, and
yellow, respectively, against a backdrop of evergreen trees.
* The start of the school year means fewer people in the parks
and at the major attractions. You won't be alone,
but you won't feel cramped either, especially not in
October.
* Prices drop from their stratospheric elevations to more reasonable
levels.
Fall comes fast and early to the mountains, so the foliage show is over by early
October. Miss it and the only leaves you'll see
in the Rockies will be the ones on the ground. If you want to experience a true
Rocky-Mountain autumn, start planning your trip
now for next September. By mid October, snowstorms become an acute possibility
in the Rockies -- although they won't provide
enough snow for good skiing -- and it can get brutally cold. By late October,
even Denver is pretty frosty.
Plan the perfect Colorado adventure in any season with Colorado
& the Rockies For Dummies
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-076457647X.html?cid=etipBookLink
],
by Alex Wells.
v
v v v v
"I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal
toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play
with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those!'"
Laura Silverman
v
v v v v
What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait while a fisherman waits and lies!
v v v v v
v v v v v
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and
says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do, with the
crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs,
we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them
to the Internal Revenue Service."
"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And, about once
a year, they send us a little prick like you."
v v v v v
The worst thing about censorship is *******
v v v v v
Sure,
Hugh Hefner may get laid a lot more than
I do, but I figure I watch *much* more TV than
he does, so I guess it all evens out in the end.
(Chris
MacEachen)
Most people would say it's okay for a starving
person who has no money to steal a loaf of bread.
Does that count for garlic cheddar bread from
La Boulangerie, too? Because I skipped lunch
and I don't want to pay an ATM fee to get cash.
(Andrea
Crain)
It's cool how TiVo will watch TV shows for you.
Maybe the next version will not only watch that
PBS documentary for you, but then also write a
report about it and e-mail it to your teacher.
That way, I could spend more time watching TV.
(Alan
Bland)
v
v v v v
Getting
lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
v v v v v
The young boy asked his father what IQ was. "It is a measure of
intelligence" said the father. "A person with an IQ of over 120 is very
very smart". "With an IQ of 100, well that is about average, and with
an IQ of say 50, well you would be too dumb to even tie your shoelaces".
"I see", said the boy, "Is that why Iraqui's wear thongs"
v v v v v
Click
here: Readers' 20 Worst Lyrics Ever: No. 20 - Spinner.com
http://www.spinner.com/2007/04/05/readers-20-worst-lyrics-ever-no-20/
Comments -- add your own!
Click
here: Contemporary Girl Group Photo Quiz
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/16t&sdn=home&cdn=entertainment&tm=5&gps=34_5_0_0&f=00&tt=20&bt=0&
bts=0&zu=http%3A//top40.about.com/library/girlgroupquiz/blggroupquiz.htm%3Fonce%3Dtrue%26
Girl groups have been a staple of pop music since the early 1960's. Test your
knowledge of the
latest wave of contemporary pop girl groups. Choose your difficulty level
Click
here: Name the Boy Band Quiz
http://top40.about.com/library/boybandq/bl_boyband_quiz.htm
Boy bands have been an integral part of pop music since the late 1960's. Name
the boy band by selecting
the name of the pictured group from those listed. There is only one photo in
the
quiz of each band. Choose your difficulty level
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
WaltWiso
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and
fell into a deep sleep. He awoke
before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much
to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back:...
as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking
the ground. A rooster strolled past.
"So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like
I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." said the rooster.
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later,out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another
egg -- his joy
was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack
on the
back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're
shitting the bed!"
v
v v v v
CHOCOLATE CHIP CHEESECAKE DIP
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1/2 c Raisins
1 tb Brandy
2 c Cream Cheese; Softened
1/2 c Whipping Cream
1/2 ts Vanilla Extract
1/4 c Dark Brown Sugar
1 ts Cinnamon; Ground
1/2 c Mini Chocolate Chips
1 x Cinnamon; Ground
DIRECTIONS:
Mix the raisins and brandy (making sure all the raisins
are coated) and let soak for 15 minutes. In another bowl,
beat the cream cheese and whipping cream until well
blended and smooth. Add the vanilla, mixing well. Blend
in the brown sugar and cinnamon. Mix in the "slushed"
raisins and chocolate chips, blending well. Garnish with
a light dusting of cinnamon. Serve at room temperature.
DIPPERS: Graham Crackers, Honeydew Melon, Strawberries,
Peaches, Dried Fruit, Pound Cake Cubes
Yield: 6 Servings (about 3 3/4 cups of dip)
v
v v v v
The
Top 13 Worst Promotional Ideas
13> NASCAR: New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine drives the speedway pace car.
12> Panda Express: For a limited time, we are now serving actual panda.
11> Victoria's Secret: Nationally broadcast lingerie show
featuring *actual* housewives.
10> Charmin: The infamous "before and after" ad campaign.
9> Apple Computers: Win a date with that smug, passive-aggressive "I'm A
Mac" jerk.
8> Hoover: The "Boy, do our vacuum cleaners suck!" ad campaign.
7> Heinz/Tampax: Joint promotion puts a tampon inside each bottle of ketchup.
6> "Jeopardy!": Tournament of Correctional Facilities Champions!
5> Lean Cuisine: Nationwide blimp tour featuring John Goodman,
Rosie O'Donnell and Luciano Pavarotti.
4> Mounds/Almond Joy: The "sometimes you feel like a nut"
astronaut driving to Florida.
3> IKEA: Free desk if you can assemble it in less than 17 hours!
2> McDonald's: Upgrading the popular "I'm lovin' it!" slogan to
"I'm rubbin' up against it!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Worst Promotional Ideas...
1> Coca-Cola: Sanjaya teaches the world to sing in perfect harmony!
v
v v v v
Click here: Vanishing Point
http://www.vanishingpointgame.com/
Microsoft's public relations machine is running full throttle. It's gearing
up for the month-end release of Vista.
And it has come up with some unique promotions. Of course, this means there
are prizes.
Play the Vanishing Point game, and you can win a computer, music player, Xbox
or other cool prizes.
The grand prize is unbelievable. I won't ruin the surprise. Let's just say Microsoft
is dead on by calling it the "ultimate vista."
You can simply register to enter the sweepstakes. Or, you can try to solve the
puzzles to improve your chances of winning. Good luck!
Click here: Flash By Night -
A Flash Concept Site
http://www.flashbynight.com/welcome/
Are you smart or stupid? Addictive word game here, puzzle game too!
*submitted by*
KP1983
Click here: Online Jigsaw Puzzles
http://www.dltk-kids.com/puzzle.htm
Lots and lots and lots of jigsaw puzzles
v
v v v v
The
Top 9 Worst Pets Your Kids Could Possibly Beg For
9> Barney the Dinosaur.
8> An electric eel with a short circuit.
7> Anything with a nickname of Stumpy, Leaky, Smelly, Ooozy...
6> Your mother-in-law's parrot, that berates you 24/7.
5> Don Imus.
4> Curious George W. Bushbaby.
3> A Galapagos turtle that lives to be 200 years old.
2> An imaginary friend... with scissors.
and the Number
1 Worst Pet Your
Kids Could Possibly
Beg For...
1> A spankable monkey.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
DeVulcano
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done
at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and
put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled
clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,
so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE
MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean
laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY
SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
v v v v v
Note: Baby Einstein is a company that produces DVDs
and toys for kids up to three years
of age.
Their DVD line includes such
titles as:
* Baby Beethoven
Symphony of Fun
* Baby Shakespeare World
of Poetry
Here are a few they apparently
forgot:
The
Top 16 Bad Ideas for Baby Einstein DVDs
16> Baby Lynndie Detention Center of Anatomical Humiliation
15> Baby Tupac Turf War Tactics
14> Baby Dannielynn Paternal Custody Maelstrom
13> Baby Simon Constructive Criticism
12> Baby Paris Hide 'n' Seek Hymen Adventure
11> Baby George W. Pronouncifier Dictionary Book
10> Baby Baldwin Dial-a-Daddy Diatribe
9> Baby Gore Polar Bear Apocalypse
8> Baby Imus Multi-Target Verbal Sniper Range
7> Baby Whitney Whacked-Out Crack House
6> Baby L. Ron Fantastic Fables
5> Baby Britney Disappearing Forest Mystery
4> Baby Dahmer Flavors-of-Mankind Gourmet Kitchen
3> Baby Brangelina Family Geography Bee
2> Baby Foxworthy Are You Smarter Than a Zygote?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Idea for a Baby Einstein DVD...
1> Baby Snoop Mothaf***in' Pizzarty Planner, Beyotch!
v v v v v
*
*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: Point Of View
http://www.mamarocks.com/point_of_view.htm
Click
here: Are You Headed Toward Relationship Break Up?
http://dating.about.com/od/endingarelationship/ht/BreakUp.htm?nl=1
Relationship break up can be tough to deal with. If your relationship has become
serious, but you can't
decide if your heart is in it for the long haul, ask yourself the following
questions to make sense of the situation.
Click here: Why
women are changing their minds about men - being-human - 06 April 2006 - New
Scientist
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19025465.600
WHAT do women want from a man? In the past, surveys have overwhelmingly shown
that women want
a rich man, and men want a good-looking woman. While not much has changed for
men, as women's
financial independence has increased, it seems that their preferences have changed.
v
v v v v
The
Top 16 Surprises in "Spider-Man 3"
16> Spider-Man find himself facing his most dangerous foe yet:The Orkin Man!
15> Venom learns Spider-Man's true identity by hacking his MySpace page.
14> "Hello, my name ees New Goblin. You keeled my father.Prepare to diee."
13> Things were already weird enough when Tobey Maguire and Topher
Grace were in the same scene, but once Elijah Wood showed up,
matter and anti-matter collided and the movie ends in the
destruction of the universe.
12> Kirsten Dunst portrays a terribly untalented actress --
and *still* can't pull it off.
11> Peter Parker picks a peck of pickled peppers. Previously,
Peter partied with Parker Posey and Piper Perabo, then puked.
10> The Green Goblin shows his softer side with puppy-filled
pumpkin bombs.
9> Peter smiles from ear to ear when Gwen Stacy tells him she
likes to be tied up during sex.
8> After they finally make love, Mary Jane bites off Peter's head.
7> New below-the-belt web-spinning technique almost got the movie
an NC-17 rating.
6> Spider-Man is reduced to tears by a scathing answering machine
message from Alecbaldwin-Man.
5> The Sandman is 98 percent common beach sand and two percent
discarded condoms.
4> Spidey finally enters the 21st century by discovering that
great power can be had with no responsibility whatsoever.
3> A new villain is born when J. Jonah Jameson is bitten by
a radioactive dung beetle.
2> The Sandman's plan to destroy Spider-Man involves a 10-foot
wad of Charmin and a really, really big toilet.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprises in "Spider-Man 3"...
1> Peter Parker lives up to his name when he falls asleep
mid-coitus with Mary Jane.
v
v v v v
"I keep losing the war on poverty because
my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
v
v v v v
Having Problems With Your Color?
Calibrate
Your Monitor's Color
Obtaining true-to-life color on your display can be an expensive task that requires
special software and hardware. Here's
how to get more-accurate color out of your monitor without spending an arm and
a leg.
First, download the free Monitor Calibration
Wizard. When you run the wizard, it will walk you through several simple
tests.
Afterward, save the profile under a name of your choosing. Select this profile
under the Load Profile box, and check
the box next to Load at Windows startup. Your color will be corrected
to your new profile each time you boot. You may
not notice much of a difference, though, unless your monitor was seriously out
of whack to begin with.
Additional free color-correction tools exist for specific video card brands.
RivaTuner is primarily designed
for systems
with nVidia cards (through the GeForce 7 card series), while ATITool
is the counterpart for ATI cards (to get color-correction
support for cards released in the last 12 months or so, download the beta version
of this free tool).
v
v v v v
One of our employees who normally works with the gardening crew in summer was
on an
office assignment for the whole year. As she went past my desk one day, she
stopped to admire the flowers
I had brought from my garden. She said that some flowers are edible and choosing
a pansy from the arrangement,
she popped the tasty morsel into her mouth. Just then a manager walked by. "I
can see why you
weren't working with the gardening crew this summer!" He exclaimed.
v
v v v v
The previous month my niece's son had been married, and now she had just attended
the wedding of her only
daughter. Her car, which had carried the wedding party to the banquet hall a
few hours earlier, was still gaily
decorated as she drove away alone. We caught up to her a few miles along the
highway. The flowers and streamers
were still in place, but the wind had torn part of the sign off the back.
It had boldly proclaimed JUST
MARRIED and now accurately stated JUST MA.
v
v v v v
Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side,
was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists
I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
v
v v v v
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of
the men walked in the office and said, "We need some
four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the
truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and
said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
v
v v v v
On a military training exercise, the British
divisional command radio operators were getting
very bored one quiet night, when breaking the
silence a voice asked over the air... "Are there
any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied... "Yes,
I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice...
"I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters
grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering
tirade at the operators for fooling around on an
important radio link. When he had finished, there
was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a small voice said,
"You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: Beauty Blooms
http://asandboxgreeting.com/beautyblooms.html
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: ;-) You
http://www.angelfire.com/ca5/kim7/page4.html
2. Click here:
~~My Friends~~
http://www.angelfire.com/tn3/sweetdeb/MyFriends.html
v
v v v v
Doctor: 'Have you ever been troubled by appendicitis?'
Patient: 'Only when I've tried to spell it.'
v v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Remember, there's no "I" in "TEAM" -- but there *is*
an "EAT ME" if you're willing to use the "E" twice.
v v v v v
The Top 8 Reasons Hospital Food Is Better Than Airline Food
8> The "rubber chicken" in the hospital is actually surgical quality latex.
7> All the proof you need is that hospitals don't need to hand
out barf bags with each meal.
6> You need TWO hands to lift a hospital tray. You can pass an
airline tray over two seats, one-handed. Case closed.
5> Hospital food is bland, unappetizing and tasteless. You can
TASTE that damn airline food.
4> You can't get Kentucky jelly as a side with your toast on an airplane.
3> Hospital food is intended to keep you healthy. Airline food is
intended to keep you quiet.
2> Airline chefs so rarely get that whole high elevation
adjustment for baked goods down just right.
and the Number
1 Reason Hospital
Food Is Better Than
Airline Food...
1> When you order the "Mile High Club" in a hospital, you
actually get a sandwich.
v v v v v
v
v v v v
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired
a new CEO. The new
boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room
was full of workers
and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money
do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,"Does
anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
CHIN3917
A cocky government inspector stopped at a farm and talked with
an old
farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said "I have the authority of the
Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish
on agricultural land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard screams and saw the Inspector running for the fence,
and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than
a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the Inspector at
every step.
The old farmer called out, "Show *him* your card!!"
v
v v v v
Click here: It's Never
Too Late To Start!
http://autorepair.about.com/b/a/000003.htm
People get in touch all the time with comments like, "It would take me years
to figure out how do work
on my car, what's the point?" The point is that empowerment! How many times
have you been standing across
the counter at Goofy-Lube wishing you knew what in the world these people are
talking about?
Click here: IIHS-HLDI: Crash Testing & Highway
Safety
http://www.iihs.org/
The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety is an independent, nonprofit, scientific
and educational organization
dedicated to reducing the losses — deaths, injuries, and property damage — from
crashes on the nation's highways.
The Highway Loss Data Institute's mission is to compute and publish insurance
loss results by make and
model. Both organizations are wholly supported by auto insurers.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."
Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."
Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."
Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"
Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."
Dog: "How strange -- why would you want
someone else to lick it for you?"
Rabbits: "Amateurs!"
Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces*
while they're doing that??"
Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
STLLRNING7
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of the University
of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do
an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it.
Seven days later they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read
to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So
I quickly grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out
next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his
best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we
don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do
with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising The Lord."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi
looks up and says, "Looking
back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
v v v v v
Click
here: Scarlett Johansson Sexy Hot Screensaver (exe), from White Paw Products
- Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware, Tria
http://i.d.com.com/i/dl/media/dlimage/10/71/01/107101_large.jpeg
Scarlett was named Sexiest Woman Alive 2006 by Esquire and No.1 Sexiest Woman
in the World according to
FHM. She was also awarded Best Breasts in Hollywood by both People and In Touch
magazine. It is no wonder
that she has quickly amassed a very large male following. We feature Scarlett's
ample assets here in loads
of bikini, lingerie and implied nude images. The screensaver also includes Sticky
Note feature for custom
on-screen message; Use any image as your own custom wallpaper; Special artistic
effects; 100+ screen transition effects;
Display images in sequential or random order; Set image display time; Resize
images to desired size; multi-monitor support.
Click
here: Lexa Organizer (exe), from Lexa software - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware,
Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=29449160-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Not too many people suceed in this world without getting organized. So, we have
a solution for you. Lexa Organizer
is an effective task manager that helps you organize your work and personal
life. In a few clicks of the mouse you
can create new tasks with reminders and long descriptions. It is extremely easy
to use and has a friendly
skinnable interface. All tasks are separated by categories to effectively track
them. Every task can be assigned a priority
and an audible reminder. A list of your tasks can be printed on paper in a easy-to-use
form.
Click
here: R-Undelete (exe), from R-tools Technology - Free Downloads on ZDNet |
Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=29449162-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
R-Undelete is a powerful file-recovery and undelete solution for FAT, NTFS,
NTFS5, and Ext2FS file systems.
The application can undelete files on valid logical disks visible to the host
OS when files have been removed without
the Recycle Bin. The program also can recover files deleted by a virus attack
or power failure, or when emptied
from the Recycle Bin. It can recover encrypted files, compressed files, and
alternative data streams. R-Undelete
recognizes localized names, supports dynamic disks, and is integrated into the
Windows Explorer shell. All
undelete and file-recovery functions are accessible from Windows Explorer. Version
2.1 features software kernel improvement.
Note: The demo version can be registered or activated without the need to exit
or reinstall the program.
v
v v v v
What's the point of being stupid if you can't prove it every once in a
while?
v v v v v
Alec reportedly tried to leave the hit show "30 Rock,"
but the producers convinced him to stay. TopFive thinks
they should give Alec's character his very own series...
The Top 20 "30 Rock" Spinoffs Starring Alec Baldwin
20> King of Screams
19> Brawl in the Family
18> Star Wreck
17> Make Room for Daddy's Ego
16> A*S*S*
15> Ranting With the Stars
14> I Scream at Teenie
13> My Ex-Wife and Pig
12> Angrymaniacs
11> How I Decked Your Mother
10> Lost It
9> You're a Thoughtless Pig, Charlie Brown!
8> That's So Ravin'
7> Tirading Spouses
6> Pa & Restraining Order
5> The A-Hole
4> 8 Simple Rules for Berating My Pre-Teen Daughter
3> Ugly, Petty
2> Father Knows Best, You Ungrateful Little Shit
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 "30
Rock" Spinoffs Starring Alec
Baldwin...
1> Louse
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land on runway
9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R -- Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land on runway 18R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 18R.- - Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE
DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell
Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
v v v v v
The
Top 7 Dr. Seuss Books for Geeks
5> One Phish, Two Phish, PayPal Screw Phish
4> And to Think I Saw It on Blackberry Street
3> The 500 Hacks of Bartholomew Cubbins
2> Norton Catches the Virus
and the Number 1 Dr. Seuss Book for Geeks...
1> Screen JPEGs and RAM
v v v v v
Calling
All Sound Engineers
We know a lot of you have studio recording experience, so this discussion will
be right up your alley. By
calling its list "Top Ten Worst Sounding Records, 1997-Present," Stylus
was able to include some of our favorite albums and artists. (One would imagine
they'd say, "Hey, great writing, but shitty sound!")
By their own admission, the list is "designed to infuriate you as much as educate
you" and is limited to indie
rock. Here's their list of lovable albums with "hideous sonics":
10. Keane - Under The Iron Sea
09. Massive Attack - Collected
08. Radiohead - Kid A
07. Bloc Party - Silent Alarm
06. Cocteau Twins - Heaven Or Las Vegas
05. Phoenix - It's Never Been Like That
04. The Shortwave Set - The Debt Collection
03. Arcade Fire - Funeral
02. The Flaming Lips - At War With The Mystics
01. Oasis - Be Here Now
v
v v v v
SUNSHINE CASSEROLE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 lb bulk breakfast sausage
6 Eggs
1/2 c Sour cream
4 tb Chopped onions
4 tb Chopped bell pepper
DIRECTIONS:
Brown sausage, onions and bell peppers in heavy skillet.
Drain. Line baking dish with 3/4 of the sausage mixture.
Combine eggs and sour cream. Season to taste. Pour over
sausage mixture. Bake at 350 degrees until eggs are semi-
set. Stir egg mixture and top with remaining sausage.
Bake until eggs are firm.
Yield: Serves 4 to 6.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
There'll be one less country represented in the summer Olympics!
The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate
in the next Summer Olympics.
In explaining the situation he said that, "Anyone who can run, jump,
or swim has already left the country."
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
A county sheriff picked up a kinky twinkie from the big city after some of
the residents of the sleepy little town complained. It seemed the
homo was
propositioning some of the local boys. "Okay, you fruitcake," the sheriff
said in disgust, "you got fifteen minutes to blow this town or I'll throw you
queer ass in jail."
"Oh, my," cooed the fag, "Fifteen minutes? Then I'd better get started.
I
love a challenge like that!!"
v
v v v v
Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the
park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's
doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty
baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your
baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store
for $32.95"
"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."
"Well, thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's
such a beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one
they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very
proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn.
Naturally the "Oh's" and "Ah's" started, and then
ending with the same question, "Where did you get
your baby and how much did he cost?"
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital
and it cost about $5,000."
The two little girls were stunned.
The group broke up, the real mommy walked on.
Finally one of the little girls turned to the other
and said, "You know, I don't know what you think
about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got
SCREWED!"
v
v v v
Click here: Common Mistakes When
Starting a New Tank
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BMu
With the advent of mini-aquarium packages, it's become appealing to go small.
However, if you are
a beginner, choosing a small aquarium is courting failure. Why? Because when
the water volume is small, key
water parameters change very quickly, leaving no room for error. Even experienced
aquarists are
challenged by a small aquarium. If you are a newcomer to the hobby, stay away
from tanks under 20 gallons
until you've gotten some experience under your belt. Remember, the bigger the
tank,
the less impact a mistake will have on your fish.
Click
here: How Do I Clean a Dirty Fish Tank?
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/yW/SZ&sdn=freshaquarium&cdn=homegarden&tm=52&gps=127_53_1193_850&
f=00&su=p284.5.420.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//freshaquarium.about.com/od/fishqa/f/faq0110.htm
Find out how to correctly clean your fish tank
Click here: Why does my bird have
a flaky beak?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BMv
The most common cause of flaky beaks is a vitamin A deficiency, an issue that
can easily be remedied
by making sure your pet is offered a variety of fresh foods and high quality
supplemental pellets.
At times, however, a beak can get whitish, flaky looking lines on it that are
normal "growth" lines.
Much like human fingernails, a bird's beak grows continuously throughout its
life, and the
new growth can cause the beak to appear streaky or striped.
Click here:
IamsPromise.com
http://www.iamspromise.com/captureAddress.iphtml?source=
To receive your voucher for a free 4lb bag of either our dry dog or dry cat
food or equivalent value (up to $6.50 for dog
and $10.00 for cat) off a larger size bag, simply fill in the information below
and click submit. Your voucher will
arrive by mail and can be redeemed at participating retailers.
For a limited time. Limit one (1) free dog or cat food voucher per household.
v
v v v v
The
Top 9 Little-Known Tips for Raising Twins
9> If one throws a temper tantrum, it's best to just duct tape
the other child's mouth closed, to save time.
8> Don't buy dolls or action figures; no toy is more amusing than
a bendable, poseable, other self.
7> Just for fun, occasionally buy just one of something and let
them fight it out to see who gets it.
6> Save money: Buy the same clothing for both, even if it's
dresses for your twin sons.
5> Blame your husband for using both testicles at once.
4> Grandparents: Use the ones you have; adopt more through the
county programs.
3> It's perfectly acceptable to call them "Thing 1" and "Thing 2."
2> If you're really, really busy and can only hold one baby,
it's okay to stick the other one in the fridge.
and the Number 1 Little-Known Tip for Raising Twins...
1> Get your husband to start lactating.
v
v v v v
And
will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked
after setting out an elaborate dinner for two in the hotel room.
"No thank you." thegentleman replied.
"That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed
a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.
"Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." The fellow said.
"Please bring up a postcard."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
HANDY HINTS
HINT 1
Your white telephone going a bit dull - get it really
white again by putting a bit of toothpaste on a moist
cloth and use it to clean the phone - Works Great!
HINT 2
If a screw or bolt has become rusted in woodwork and
is difficult to remove - put a few drops of cooking
oil on top and leave for a while.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
STLLRNING7
SO
MANY CHOICES
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special.
I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you
know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and
torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost
would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The
man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The
doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight" He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92
ear old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted
living apartment killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if
she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your
honor, I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly."
v v v v v
There's
these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over
at the end of the night to collect for the drinks.
The skunk says 'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'
The duck says 'Just put it on my bill'
The cow says 'You'll have to ask one of the udders'
The deer says 'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting
a little doe soon'
The giraffe says 'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'
v v v v v
Attracting
Humming Birds
Many times people become frustrated because it seems that ants and other insects
are more attracted to
your humming bird feeder than the humming birds. Some suggestions in increase
your humming bird population
would be to make sure that you're mixing the nectar according to the manufacturer's
directions. Also,
keeping your feeder in the shade will keep your nectar from fermentation. Make
sure your bird feeder is clean
and near plants and flowers that attract humming birds. You could also even
try tying a bright ribbon onto your
feeder to make it more attractive to the humming birds. This might increase
attraction to your bird feeder.
v
v v v v
During a rather heated argument, Morris the husband
bellowed, "You don't deserve a man like me."
The wife Sherry retorted, "I don't deserve arthritis either,
but I got that."
v v v v v
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but
didn't quite make it.
She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the
father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born
on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived:
"Greens Fee: $200."
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
a whole lot of you!!
v v v v v
There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the
conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building. As
they were laying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said
to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I
haven't seen you in a long time ?"
The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball!!
I been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest
restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques,
the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and
even a mall that I just newly built. In fact, just this week
I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the
all day retreat spa,, the top-notch hair salon and the new
casino!! I have done it all!!! "
After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked
the $1 dollar bill, " What about you? Where have you been?" The
$1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the
Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian
church, the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the
Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints, the A.M.E.
church, the Disciple of Christ church, the..."
"WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!!", shouted the $20 dollar bill
to the $1 dollar bill. "What's a church??"
v
v v v v
"I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina
pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering
from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by
tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic
cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis,
rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled
through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
v v v v v
Click here: WorldStart's
Video Tip of the Week
http://imgsrv.worldstart.com/videotips/index.htm
Copy
and Paste - Video Tip
I
know this is an oldie, but you have to admit, it's a goodie! Everyone can use
a little refresher course on the process
of copying and pasting and I'm here to give that to you today! Everything is
explained in the video, so I'm
just going to let you roll with it. Get started by clicking on the link. Enjoy!
http://imgsrv.worldstart.com/videotips/index.htm
v
v v v v
The Top 8 Differences if Animals Had Equal Rights
8> American Idol much more watchable with the inclusion of *real*
performing monkeys.
7> CSI tied up for years with missing goldfish cases.
6> All legal rights of married couples would also be available to
"domesticated partners".
5> Tai Shan seeks and gets political asylum.
4> "Mister, tell me I did NOT just hear you use the word 'purebred'!"
3> Jaguars get speedier trials than anyone else.
2> New York mayoral campaign literally becomes a rat race.
and the Number 1 Difference if Animals Had Equal Rights...
1> Now lemurs can make 2/3 what men earn, too.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
LURALLEN
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered
her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I
would meet
him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon,
approximately 30 feet above a ground
elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes
north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with
your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help
to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea
how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the
same position you were in
before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
v v v v v
Click
here: Discover Your Erotic Side -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT03/06/11/07/ALT03061107-01.html
Who are you in bed? A bashful woman? A buck-wild babe? Well, whoever you are,
push your sexual boundaries
for increased pleasure. "Stepping outside your comfort zone in bed may make
you feel vulnerable, but it can also
create more intimacy with your partner," says Alex Robboy, a Philadelphia sex
therapist and founder of howtohavegoodsex.com.
And it could be fun! Here's how any woman can take sex to the next level.
Click
here: Consumer Reports -- Home & Garden- What You Should Know AboutChemicals
in Your Cosmetics - AOL Money & Finance
http://money.aol.com/consreports/smartshopping/home_garden/_a/what-you-should-know-aboutchemicals-in/20070117090309990001
You slather, spray, and paint them on and rub them in. Cosmetics are so much
a part of your daily regimen
that you probably never think twice about them. If they're on store shelves,
it seems reasonable to
figure that they're safe to use, despite those unpronounceable ingredient lists.
But at least some of what's in your cosmetics might not be so good for you.
Click
here: Water Intoxication (hyponatremia)
http://sportsmedicine.about.com/cs/hydration/a/aa051200.htm
Can too much water harm marathon runners? Reuters Health recently reported just
that. When runners collapse or
get sick at the end of a long race, it seems logical to give them fluids. Sometimes,
however, water
is the last thing these athletes need, researchers report.
Click
here: How a Large Family Can Shorten Your Life -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT02/07/01/03/ALT02070103-01.htm
Prostate Cancer Risk Reduced by Weight Loss
Losing weight reduces the risk of an aggressive form of prostate cancer. go
>
Raising a large family can certainly be physically and financially draining.
But research suggests that bringing
up a large family is officially bad for a woman's health. A scientific study
found that having many children really could be
the death of some mothers. It showed that the more children a couple had, the
worse the
parents' health, and the earlier they were likely to die.
v
v v v v
The cow died
So I don't need your bull
v
v v v v
There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when
she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early
from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she
sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every part
of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his
balls red with some spray paint.
Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors
to get out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging
there. "What are these?" he asks.
"Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale
this afternoon," she answers.
He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not
making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together,
but all he hears is "uuuggghhh."
He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me
try again. So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them
together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH."
He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am
gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am
gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them. So he
stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them
together. At that moment the guys sticks his head out of the
closet and screams, "DING DONG, MOTHERFUCKER! DING DONG!"
v v v v v
Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/464.html
Click here: Funny Pictures
@ Joke Email -- Taliban Deodorant Launched --
funny picture archive, plus e-mail jokes to your emai
http://www.jokeemail.com/pictures/taliban.htm
Click here: ~AIKEN
DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny1181.html
v
v v v v
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where
his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets
this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know shit now."
v
v v v v
When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen
and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the
washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer
and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself,
mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want
to do."
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob
out of this."
v
v v v v
Click here: Girls Love Shoes New York City
- Largest Vintage Shoe Archive
in the Country; platform shoes, flats, sandals, high
http://www.glsnewyork.com/
Vintage, newer, etc
Click here: Girls Love Wheels.com:
Women's Fashionable and Fun Car Accessories
http://www.girlslovewheels.com/
Women's
Source for Automotive Tips, Information, Fun and
Fashionable Automotive Accessories!
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Tony, a man who was honest most of the time, died in a car accident. When he
was sent to be judged, he was
told that he had committed a couple of sins, and that he could not go to heaven
right away.
He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and
that the only way he could get into heaven
would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five
years, and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So
off he went with this enormous
woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos
up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman.
When Tony approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied
"I cheated on my
income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more than
you did.
They both shook their heads in disgust and figured that as long as they have
to be with these
women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly babes were walking along, minding their
own business, when they see their
friend Juan up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous
supermodel.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached Juan, and asked him how it was that he was
with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.
Juan replied "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been
absolutely the best time of my life,
and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward
to. There is only one thing that I can't
seem to understand. Every time we have sex, she rolls over afterwards
and murmurs to herself 'Damn income taxes!'"
v
v v v v
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the
new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately
before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains
and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called "Pre-dick-a-mints."
v v v v v
Click here: Great
Book for Guys that Have Problems with Females
http://chattanooga.craigslist.org/bks/299069952.html
Click
here: Be A Man » Blog Archive » Be A Man Q&A: Do short guys have problems
dating?
http://beaman.unanimocracy.com/2006/12/15/be-a-man-qa-do-short-guys-have-problems-dating/
v
v v v v
A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi,
two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant,
a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman,
a Polish guy, and a Scotsman walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
BADVETTE87
I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my
email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for
months
and months. Please, keep it going!
To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President
of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing
list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.
1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.
v v v v v
Click here: Babeland
- How to Give a Blow Job
http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/blow-job
Click here: Free erotic stories, sex
stories and romantic stories for your reading pleasure!
http://www.eroticstories.com/
Click here: Literotica Free Adult
Community - Erotic Story and Picture Index
http://www.literotica.com/stories/
Bulletin board, live chat, personals, etc
Click
here: Erotic Stories < Adult Shopping in the Yahoo! Directory
http://dir.yahoo.com/Business_and_Economy/Shopping_and_Services/Sex/Erotic_Stories/
v
v v v v
Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
v
v v v v
Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
v
v v v v
©1999
- 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
v
v v v v
385