Editor:  DebsSweet
Graphic Editors:  Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet







YUCK!!


"Lucky You" - movie - starring Drew Barrymore - in my top five list of all time HORRENDOUS
movies.  On the other hand, "Spiderman III" was good!

Lots of jokes and interesting things just for you!

Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 







A married man we know relaxed on a recent business trip by enjoying
a lively weekend with a lively blonde who was not his wife.

Not long after returning to the home office, however, a rather
shifty individual paid him a visit and said, with the nasty
innuendo of a professional blackmailer, "Remember that trip you
took? Remember that blonde?"

The answer to both questions was "Yes."

"Well, mister," said the unsavory one, "it just so happens that
I have photographs of everything that you and her did."

"Everything?" asked our friend.

"Everything! See?" He spread a half-dozen highly detailed snapshots
on the desk and after giving them a chance to make the proper
impression, asked, "What are you gonna do about it, mister?"

"Well," drawled our friend coolly, "I'll take one of these, two
of those, and five of this one over here. Can I have them tinted?"



v v v v v



The evening I had to take a class, I left my two daughters with
my fiance'.  He cooked dinner and later, while cleaning up, called
out, "Does your mom have any SOS?"

Apparently not hearing him clearly, my 14-year-old in the other
room said, "Yeah, once a month."



v v v v v







  Click here: Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml



v v v v v



After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun,
the platoon stood in front of the barracks.

"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill
instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now,
with anyone in the world, who would it be?"

Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.

"My recruiter."



v v v v v



A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose,
black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad
fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked
his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel.  And,
you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"



v v v v v







Microsoft USB Flash Drive Manager  lets you backup and restore the contents to and from your USB flash drive.

Virtual Desktop Manager manages up to four desktops from your taskbar.

Got a Webcam?  Webcam Timershot lets you take and save pictures from it at specified time intervals.



v v v v v



A little boy had a dog named Laddy. Billy and Laddy were the best
of friends. Laddy would follow him to school and wait at the front
gate of the house for Billy to come home.

One day, Billy came home and walked in to find his mom at the
kitchen table.

"Billy," she said, "I have something to tell you. Laddy got hit
by a car and he died."

Billy just looked at her and said "Oh." He went up the stairs and
came down a few moments later.

"Where's Laddy mom?" He asked.

"I just told you," said Billy's mom, "Laddy got hit by a car."

Billy burst into tears and said "Laddy, I thought you said Daddy!"



v v v v v



A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and
smiled at everyone.

"May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.

"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been
working for all these years."



v v v v v





Click here: AP Wire | 01/21/2007 | Traveling public using more cell phones and fewer CBs
http://www.ohio.com/mld/beaconjournal/news/state/16514319.htm
The Ohio State Highway Patrol fields lots of calls - about 6,300 a day to its various telephone
lines - but citizens band radio contacts have dropped off the chart.  Not surprising

Click here: Photos: Five worst cell phones of Q4 | CNET News.com
http://news.com.com/2300-1041_3-6151618-1.html
With their cramped keyboards, short battery life, "peculiar" design, and the need for a special screwdriver
to get at the battery and SIM card of one phone, these overpriced handsets got no love from CNET reviewers.
Not content to seek out only the best tech on the market, we give you the five
lowest rated cell phones of Q4 2006.

Click here: Samsung Paves Way for 3 Megapixel Cell Phones - International Business Times -
http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/20061222/samsung-cmos.htm
Samsung Electronics has announced the world's first 3-megapixel CMOS image sensor
on Thursday, targeting the new product for ultra-thin cell phones.    
                       


v v v v v



Top Ten Ways to Make Tax Time More Fun


10. Everything that goes to the IRS, I lick.

9. Every time I write the number 8, I draw a hat on top to make
it look like a snowman.

8. I try to deduct items that don?t exist, like a jimrod
. . . they?ll be trying to figure that one out for years.

7. With each tax return, include some of your favorite "Yo
accountant?s so fat? jokes. Like "Yo accountant?s so fat, he gets
to claim his giant ass as a dependent.?

6. This time of year, I don?t wear underpants.

5. I don?t think it would be possible to make tax time more fun.

4. Awww crap. It?s tax time?!?

3. The big stack of papers on my desk? I pour some maple syrup
and eat ?em like pancakes.

2. Every year I get to leave the office for five minutes to be
part of this stupid Top Ten list.

1. When I finish my work for the season, I treat myself to a whore.



v v v v v



"Here's a sign that people in California have too much money.
Have you heard about this? People are now doing yoga with their
dog. Yoga for dogs. Who's this for? Dogs that want to stick their
necks out the car window a little further?"


Jay Leno



v v v v v









v v v v v



"A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But Posh Spice,
Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10 million. The $10
million price tag was thought up by the group's newest member,
Delusional Spice."



Conan O'Brien



v v v v v



A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became
old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took
them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's pre-
diction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all
the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."



v v v v v







Starting Your Vacation before You Embark

With few exceptions, a cruise's port of embarkation is adestination of its own. Most lines offer pre- and post-cruise
packages for cruisers who want to stretch their trip by two to four days, or more. In Alaska, the Mediterranean, Far East and
some other destinations, cruise lines offer escorted tours that take you away from the coastal areas, traveling by bus, train,
and sometimes boat and small plane to sights inland. These cruisetour packages include hotel stays and transportation.

Most ships don't start boarding until the afternoon and don't depart until after 4 p.m., so even if you arrive on departure
day, you may still be able to fit in some sightseeing at your city of embarkation.
You can normally leave your luggage at the pier.

For more information like this, get a copy of Cruise Vacations
For Dummies, 2007 [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0471788635.html?cid=etipBookLink ],
by Heidi Sarna and Matt Hannafin.

Related Articles

Knowing When Not to Use Priceline
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2718.html?cid=etipArticleLink ]



v v v v v



Our Air National guard unit conducted weapons-qualifying at the
firing range. We had been issued our last round of ammo and were
firing at the silhouettes, when a great gust of wind ripped the
targets from their frames, and they fluttered away.

Firing stopped as we looked to the range officials.

"Keep shooting, Boys," a voice yelled. "We've got 'em on the
run now."



v v v v v



Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth
planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are
they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed
at themselves."



v v v v v




Just when I thought I'd get a break from
my day job as a prostitute by going to the
dentist, I realized I was actually paying
*him* to shove his throbbing tool in my mouth.
  (Stephanie Shiner-Thompson)

Unfortunately, it wasn't until after I had
spent three days eating nothing but beets
and asparagus and downing enough Karo syrup
to kill a horse that I realized maybe it was
actually during a dream when I came up with
my super-secret formula for "pissing Skittles."
(Brad Simanek)

Plugging the hole in the row boat with my
penis wasn't a bad idea, but forgetting to
take out my piercing barbell *was* --
although the bass didn't seem to think so.
  (Tristan Fabriani)
  
My wife says she's tired of me always farting
around her. I guess I'll have to start
pinning her down and sitting on her first.
  (Mark D. Sabien)

If gas rises and humans don't walk around
on their hands, how can we ever expel it?
It's times like these I wish I had followed my
heart and majored in Fart Sciences at P.U. Tech.
  (Damian Krebs)



v v v v v



"Angelia Jolie is reportedly making plans to adopt another
baby. When asked why, Jolie said, 'Because it's Thursday.'"



Conan O'Brien



v v v v v



My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son,
Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were
waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of
the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but
our baseball is in their living room!"



v v v v v







Click here: Machine Head - The Blackening Review
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5D%5D%5B
Since their outstanding 1994 debut Burn My Eyes, Machine Head has had their ups and downs.
They are definitely on an upswing now, and their latest album is the best since their
debut, and some may argue it's even better.

Click here: Women In Latin Music
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5D%5Db
Deciding who the most influential women are/were in Latin music is no easy chore. There are so many types
of music and so many talented women to pick from. Here are my nominees, some from the past, some still very
active today. I've also included a great, representative album for each, so those unfamiiliar with any
particular artist can get a taste of what makes them great

Click here: Top 10 Albums of Pop Standards
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5D%5Dc
Pop songs that have stood the test of time in multiple versions and interpretations are often referred
to as pop standards. Some of the songs originate in Broadway shows or movies. Others appear first
on the pop charts or on a popular artist's album before being recorded by a wide variety of other artists. In recent years
albums comprised entirely of recordings of pop standards have become increasingly
popular. This is a guide to 10 of the best.

   

v v v v v



My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years
ago. That's all right with me, though, because
it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared.
 


v v v v v



"Charles Simonyi became the latest billionaire to go into space
with the Russians. He's Martha Stewart's boyfriend.  If I was
Martha Stewart's boyfriend I'd be going too."


Craig Ferguson



v v v v v






Click here: Westward Game Download at Big Fish Games
http://www.bigfishgames.com/downloads/westward/index.html
Gold is there for the taking. Bandits lurk around every turn. Where is this wild place? Westward, that's where.
Control the fortunes of three vastly different towns in this strategic resource-management game. Help the towns rise
from the dust of the frontier and grow into thriving boomtowns. It's your turn to brave the dangers of the West!

Click here: Fizzball Game Download at Big Fish Games
http://www.bigfishgames.com/downloads/fizzball/index.html
Everyone has fled the islands; there isn't a person in sight! But they left all the animals behind. Who will feed
them? And who will find out what scared all the people away? Well, Professor Fizzwizzle, of course! Bounce bubbles,
rescue and feed the abandoned animals, and solve a mystery—all at the same time, in FizzBall!

Click here: Line Rider - beta by *fsk on deviantART
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/40255643/
Line Rider is a fun animation game. You start by drawing a curved line. Then, press play. A person will sled down your line.
It is more difficult than you might think to give the sledder a smooth ride. Each little bump can send him (or her) flying.
And, I must admit my little person crashed and burned a few times. And once, I even sent him into free fall!
    
   

v v v v v



BANANA MUFFINS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour  
1 teaspoon baking soda  
1 teaspoon baking powder  
1/2 teaspoon salt  
3 bananas, mashed  
3/4 cup white sugar  
1 eggs, lightly beaten  
1/3 cup butter, melted  
1/3 cup packed brown sugar  
1/8 cup all-purpose flour  
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon  
1 tablespoon butter  
  
DIRECTIONS:  
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly grease 10 muffin cups.  
In a large bowl, mix together flour, baking soda, baking  
powder and salt. In another bowl, beat together bananas,  
sugar, egg and melted butter. Stir the banana mixture into  
the flour mixture just until moistened. Spoon batter into  
prepared muffin cups. In a small bowl, mix together brown  
sugar, flour and cinnamon. Cut in butter until mixture  
resembles coarse cornmeal. Sprinkle topping over muffins.  
Bake for 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into  
center of a muffin comes out clean.  

Yield: 10 muffins  



v v v v v



On a recent tour of the Capitol Building in Washington,  D.C., our guide pointed out a tall, benevolent-looking
gentleman and informed  us that he was the Congressional Chaplain.

One of the ladies in our group  asked, "What does the Chaplain do? Does he pray for both the House and the Senate?"

"No, ma'am," replied the tour guide. "He gets up in the morning,  looks at the
assembled Congress, and prays for the country!"



v v v v v

Bikini
2 oz Vodka
1 oz Light Rum
1/2 oz Milk
2 tsp Sugar
Juice of 1/2 Lemon
Ice
Shake with ice and strain into a glass
Top with a twist of lemon
   


Stars and Stripes   
Goldslauger
Blue Grauco
Grenidine
Pour the Grenidine in first then using
the side of the shot glass pour the
Blue Grauco in making a layer over
the red. Make sure that you are about
1/2 and 1/2 then pour goldslauger on top
to make the 3rd layer



v v v v v



"Reverend Al Sharpton announced yesterday he is not running for
president. In a related story, nobody asked."



Conan O'Brien



v v v v v



The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us grows
best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.

"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun, but
fuchsias thrive in the shade."

After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached him.

"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.

Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added, "I always
wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."



v v v v v



"Not such a great day for Don Imus. He's been fired. I don't think
the radio station understands what's going on.  They've replaced
him with Kramer."


Craig Ferguson



v v v v v







*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Click here: Historical Photos of Old America
http://www.photosofoldamerica.com/
Nostalgic moments in the history of San Francisco and New York City as well as eclectic collections including
famous entertainers, landscapes, transportation, antique cars, trains, ships and women's
themes such as dancers and suffragettes.

Click here: pitalk.com - Confidential Online Investigative Consulting
for Both Individuals and Businesses
http://pitalk.com/
The only place on the Internet where you will find on-line, confidential, and professional, private investigative
consulting and counseling for any personal and/or business problem you may have.
With 39 years of Investigative and management experience backing up the opinions that you are given, you will feel at
ease knowing that you can rely on the opinions, statements, and advice offered to you
with complete confidence, while remaining anonymous.

Click here: The Life of Riley
http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/
Meet Olive Riley. At 107, she’s probably the oldest blogger. She lives in New South Wales,  Australia. She also has vivid memories of her life.
With the help of a friend, she’s putting her memories in her blog for everyone to read. They’re fascinating. I don’t
know what’s more impressive – her memories or the fact that she’s blogging!

Click here: Gift Registry and bridal registry services available at cb2.com
http://www.cb2.com/gift-registry/
Sign up for gifts, order a catalog, edit and add gifts, give gifts to others who have signed up for a registry here.  Pretty cool

Click here: Amazing-But-True Facts
http://www.topfive.com/amazingfacts.shtml
From the hilarious people at topfive.com comes 'Amazing but true facts'!

Click here: Stories of Sharing | Spread The Sharing
http://spreadthesharing.com/StoriesofSharing/
Share a story and Country Crock will donate a meal to America's Second Harvest!

FAQs | Spread The Sharing
http://spreadthesharing.com/StoriesofSharing/Faqs.aspx
Here are FAQ's pertaining to 'Spread the Sharing'

Click here: ShinyHappyHead's favorites on del.icio.us
http://del.icio.us/ShinyHappyHead
From the King of Funny - a site of links to great stuff



v v v v v

   

"Last week, presidential candidate Mitt Romney called him-
self a lifelong hunter. Turns out he's only hunted twice in his
life. And, of course, both of those times were for Easter eggs. He
said he hunts only small animals, like Jed Clampett did. Comparing
himself to Jed Clampett? Is that a good idea? Anybody gonna want
to vote for President Jed Clampett, especially after eight years
of President Jethro?"


Jay Leno



v v v v v



Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nearly four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches
it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob  then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about  a year and a half of Bob's
cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.



v v v v v









v v v v v



"We delivered our child via natural childbirth, the procedure invented by a man named Lamaze--the Marquis de Lamaze.
Lamaze expects the husband--me--to be there, so that I can witness this festivity. I did not want to be there.

This was remarkably painful for my wife. There was nothing my presence could really do
to relieve her pain. In other words,
I didn't see why my evening should be ruined too."


Dennis Wolfberg



v v v v v


Having immigrated to the United States as a young adult, I shall never completely lose my accent.
It usually doesn't bother me, but sometimes it does create confusion.

Gophers were digging holes in our farmland, and I worried that our cows could break a leg in one of them. I was, therefore
, quite interested in an ad I saw in our local paper: A retired serviceman was asking for permission to shoot gophers on
private land. After making the arrangements, I decided to check with the police to make sure shooting gophers was legal.

I phoned and explained the situation to the officer, and asked if that was legal. There was a moment's silence
before the officer asked, "Do you live next to the golf course?"

I had no idea what made him think that and answered, "No, I don't."

"Then why," he asked, "would you want to shoot golfers?"

v v v v v






Dog Years
by Frank Doty


Why do dogs speak so profoundly to our inner lives? When Mark Doty decides to adopt a dog as a companion
for his dying partner, he finds himself bringing home Beau, a large golden retriever, malnourished and in need
of loving care. Beau joins Arden, the black retriever, to complete their family.  As Beau bounds back into life, the two
dogs become Mark Doty's intimate companions, his solace, and eventually the very life force that keeps him from
abandoning all hope during the darkest days. Their tenacity, loyalty, and love inspire him when all else fails.

Dog Years is a remarkable work: a moving and intimate memoir interwoven with profound reflections
on our feelings for animals and the lessons they teach us about life, love, and loss.Mark Doty writes
about the heart-wrenching vulnerability of dogs, the positive energy and joy they bring, and the gift they bear
us of unconditional love. A book unlike any other, Mark Doty's surprising meditation is radiantly unsentimental
yet profoundly affecting. Beautifully written, Dog Years is a classic in the making. 

I loved it - don't miss it!



v v v v v


My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving whatto do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none,
the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it.
She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving.

I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof. The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up,
"Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"

v v v v v



Signs Your SUV Is Too Big


~ The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium racetrack.

~ When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.

~ Your garage is larger than your house.

~ One of those "Oversize Load" escort trucks has to precede you down the interstate.

~ Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."

~ Before you go out, you have to file for a parade permit.

~ You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Rolling House S-Class twin-turbo.

~ It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.

~ There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back.

~ It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.

~ It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.

~ You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat.

~ Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.

~ Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.

~ You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.

~ The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.

v v v v v





Now that you've told us about the Trojan Flooder
threat, is there any way to fix it?

A:
There sure is and I'm glad you asked. It was only yesterday that I shared the news with all of you about the Trojan Flooder.AKE
risk (see yesterday's quick tip) and already, several of you have e-mailed me, asking me how you can fix it. I had planned
on following up with this information, but now I know there is a great need for it, so I won't waste any more time!

Before I begin with that, I just want to fill in anyone else who has not heard about this yet. You can certainly go back
and read yesterday's quick tip for the whole scoop, but just briefly, the Trojan Flooder is a threat that is affecting a lot of
the AVG antivirus users. They are being tricked into "healing" their computer for the good, but
are ending up with a harmful exploit on their computer instead.

If you are an AVG user and have come in contact with this Trojan, it is extremely important to fix it right away.
So, here are a couple of suggestions that I was able to find for this. Hopefully, at least one of them will work for you.

1.) First, boot your computer in the Safe Mode form. To do this, turn your computer off and then restart it while pressing
the F8 key continuously until the Safe Mode startup menu appears. From there, choose Windows in Safe Mode.

Next, you're going to uninstall your AVG service. Go to Start, Control Panel, Add/Remove Programs. Find its
applet and click the Remove button. When that's done, restart your computer and then reinstall the AVG program and
do an immediate update on it. That should take care of the Trojan and all of its components.
If not, try the second suggestion below.

2.) Again, boot up your computer in the Safe Mode form. (Follow the same directions listed above
to do this). Once there, choose Windows in Safe Mode.

From there, go and find the folder of C:\WINDOWS\system32\drivers\. (Double click on the My Computer icon
on your desktop, double click the C: drive and continue from there). Next, you'll need to find a couple of files. Change them as follows:
Change AVGCLEAN.SYS to AVGCLEAN.SY_ and change AVGRSXP.SYS to AVGRSXP.SY_. This
will help keep the winlogon.exe file in place like it should be.

Now, the next part involves using the Registry Editor. There is always a risk with working in the Registry. If you make a mistake,
it could alter other parts of your computer, so if you're not 100 percent sure you know what you're
doing, please find someone who does. It's very important!

When you're ready, go to Start, Run, type in "regedit" and click OK. Once there, find the registry key of
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services\AvgClean. Now, go and remove the "__delete" value
from the right window pane. Then restart your computer back in the normal Windows mode.

You should also make sure you update your AVG service to fulfill the latest virus base version. To do that, open the AVG
program or the AVG Control Center. Then press F9 to get the current updates. Once you're all set with that, you have to go
back and rename the same files you changed earlier. Find the C:\WINDOWS\system32\drivers\ folder again and change the following files.
Change AVGCLEAN.SY_ back to AVGCLEAN.SYS and change AVGRSXP.SY_ back to AVGRSXP.SYS.

Once you have that done, you need to restart your computer again and then just make sure the AVG Resident shield
loads again. This will keep you the safest. Well, there you go. Hopefully one of those suggestions will work
for you and you can be rid of the Trojan Flooder for good. You can't beat that!

Erin
worldstart.com
 


v v v v v



CHILAQUILLAS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 medium package of sturdy tortilla chips  
1 1/2 cups chunky Mexican salsa  
1/2 cup green or red pepper combination, chopped  
1 cup cooked beef or chicken  
12 California-style black olives, sliced  
1 cup Monterey Jack, shredded  
2 cups Cheddar, shredded  
1 cup sour cream  

DIRECTIONS:  
Preheat oven to 325 degrees, and grease a shallow 10-inch  
casserole. Layer casserole with half the chips and salsa.  
Top with green pepper and meat, plus half of both cheeses.  
Repeat using remaining chips, salsa, and cheeses. Top with  
sour cream. Bake for 30 minutes. Let stand for another 10  
minutes before serving.  

Yield: 6 Servings  



v v v v v









v v v v v



Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday
present. Adamson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of
stock, he phoned the local sporting goods store. When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked
what was so funny.

"They transferred my call," Adamson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered
if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and
what I did in them was my business."

v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting
a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the
discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev
Jackson asks  the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway
tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying  50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that
would be a  tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al.  "That's
what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No
other  children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the
room. "Isn't there someone here  who can give mean example of
a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the  room little Johnny raises his
hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane  carrying the
Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile  and
blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!"  exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right.
And can you tell me why that  would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as  hell
wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an
accident  either."




v v v v v





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Add menu bar items with a single click! You can choose from the following: Airport, Battery, Bluetooth, Classic,
Displays, Eject, Fax, HomeSync, iChat, Ink, PPP, PPPoE, Remote Desktop, Script Menu,
Sync, Text Input, User, Volume, VPN.



v v v v v



The Top 9 Movies About Spam


9> Fried Green Sphincters

8> Gelatins Prefer Blondes

7> My Pig Fat Grease Pudding

6> Jiggly

5> Sodium Nitrite of the Living Dead

4> Dr. Spamlove

3> The Meatrix

2> Heartbreak Hormel


     and the Number 1 Movie About Spam...


1> Happy Meat



v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink. net


  An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.    

She said, "I want to keep my house."    

He said, "That's fine with me."    

She said, "And, I want to keep my Lincoln Towncar."    

He said, "That's fine with me."    

She said, "And I want to have sex 6 times a week!"    

He said, "That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays"



v v v v v








Click here: Chicken, Corn, and Lima-Bean Stew
http://mso.marthastewart.com/cgi-bin9/DM/y/jh2x0F7Ccc0Wwj0EZGF0El

Chickpea Salad with Buttermilk Dressing
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out=edf&edfParentCat=cat17924&subStyleType=recipes&catid=cat17924

Blue Cheese Salad
http://www.marthastewart.com/page.jhtml?type=content&id=recipe1120034&lay
out=edf&edfParentCat=cat17924&subStyleType=recipes&catid=cat17924



v v v v v



At a dress rehearsal, my belly-dancing class waited for our cue at the bottom of a set of stairs. We heard footsteps
and looked up. A young man on the landing spotted us and stopped dead, mouth agape at the sight
of 20 scantily clad women. Then he smiled and said, "Lord, I've had dreams like this!"



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


Rules for City Driving


1. Never, EVER slow down when a light turns yellow. If
you're within half a block of a stop light when it turns
yellow, put the pedal to the metal.

2. When attempting to enter a street from any parking lot,
make sure that at least the front third of your car is
sticking out into the nearest lane.

3. When it starts raining, completely lose your ability to
drive and act as if you've never done it before.

4. Using your turn signals is absolutely prohibited, except
in limited circumstances, such as when you're five feet from
the corner. NEVER use your signal when you're making a right
turn and someone is waiting to pull out into YOUR lane.

5. A red light is not TRULY red until five seconds after the
yellow light goes out.

Taken from "Cool but useless stuff" on the back of the FBA
Youth's bulletin "Powerline."



v v v v v






*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: Life Of A Senior
http://www.funnyfly.com/seniorlife.shtml

  Click here: Books on Aging Well, with Good Health and a Positive Attitude
http://seniorliving.about.com/od/lifetransitionsaging/a/agingwellbooks.htm
For seniors, the term "aging well" includes having a healthy body, an active mind, a healthy lifestyle and
a positive attitude. As you explore what aging well might feel like for you, here are a few
resources for information and guidance.



v v v v v



Like many cello players, I sometimes get an odd buzz on one of the
strings. A rubber cylinder helps damp the troublesome tone. One
of these was mixed in with my pocket change, which I had pulled
out while at the coffee machine.

"What's that?" the woman standing next to me asked.

"If you put it on your G-string," I said without thinking, "you
won't hear any wolf notes."



v v v v v

 

*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net


There were three girls in high school, they were all best friends and they're moms were all best friends as
well, one mom was blonde, one mom was brunette, and the other had black hair.

So one night, the moms are all sitting around talking, and the Brunette says, ''I found a cigarette
butt in my daughters trash can.  I can't believe she smokes.''

The mom with Black Hair looks over and says, ''Well, I found a beer bottle in
my daughters trash can.  I can't believe she drinks.''

Then the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ''I found a condom in my
daughters bed.  I can't believe she has a dick.''



v v v v v

Click here: G.W. Little - Article_CarSafetyPO
http://www.gwlittle.com/CMSPage.aspx?ProductCode=Article_CarSafetyPO
The importance of dog car safety

Click here: Dermatology Diary Part 1: Meet Simba and Asia
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BMp
A veterinary dermatology case study of two dogs

About Dogs - Hypoallergenic Dog Breeds
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BMq
What does "hypoallergenic" really mean?
To be hypoallergenic is to have a decreased tendency to cause allergies. Hypo means less, not none.
Hypoallergenic dog breeds will still produce allergens, but because of their coat type, will typically produce
less than others. People with severe allergies and asthma will still be
affected by a hypoallergenic dog.
There is no such thing as a non-allergenic dog

Click here: Live With Cats and Allergies
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BMr
Many cat lovers are denying themselves the pleasure of feline companionship because of
allergies to cats. Here are some quick tips for minimizing cat dander, the microscopic flakes
of dried saliva on cats' skin which cause allergy.
   


v v v v v

   
"Spring in New York City means the auto show. The auto show will
be at the Javits Center until Monday, or until all the cars are stolen."


Dave Letterman



v v v v v



The Top 8 Uncommon Instant Message Slang


8> RUBY - Are you bisexual yet?

7> GGMD - Gotta get Mountain Dew

6> IC7o9 - Hey, "Voyager" is on!

5> GTGMCDS - Got To Go, Mom's Coming Down Stairs

4> BLAHG - Your blog is boring

3> COGPAT - Creepy old guy posing as teen

2> JURKOFF - Just used relic knife on Final Fantasy!


    and the Number 1 Uncommon Instant Message Slang...


1> MIND8LN? - Am I on Dateline?



v v v v v







The Lawn Mower
You need to change the oil and air filter in the lawn mower and sharpen the blade about once a year. The best way
to do it is to take it to a  lawn mower repair shop, and you need to do it each year at about the same time 
you put up the Christmas decorations. That way, you'll get in before the spring rush, and it'll be
ready to go when you need to crank it the first time. Lawn mowers thrive on fresh gas. Ask the repair shop
to drain  the gas tank for you, and make sure you use fresh gas when you crank it in the spring. 

The Grass
You probably need to fertilize your grass. I'm not smart enough  to tell you what your grass needs, because
different grasses and different  climates call for different formulas. If you can afford it, use one of those  services where they come
once a month and spray goop all over your yard. If you  can't, ask at a garden shop, or Home
Depot, or Wal-Mart. They'll tell you what  you need. 
Or you can ask almost any man. Men love to talk about grass. Go figure. 
You're probably going to let the grass grow too tall before you  cut it. Don't beat yourself up about it.
It happens. Just make sure that when  you do get around to cutting it you cut off no more than half
the length at a  time. Then give it a few days before you cut it again. 
   


v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on  top
of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and  quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and  asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"


The mother replies, "Well,  you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and
gets on her knees and  blows it right back up."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net



A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. " In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a
hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and
true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened,
this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" A sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior! " sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering
whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"



v v v v v









v v v v v



A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled
appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me.
Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go
weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scared!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these
sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your
advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice
again this morning!"



v v v v v



*submitted by*
Granny B 132



An old man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by,
and the man immediately gets an erection.  The woman notices his erection, comes over to him
and says, "Did you call for me?" 

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" 

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she  leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly 
pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the stea  room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. 

"You must be new," says the hairy  man, "It's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me."  The huge man easily spins him around, bends
him over a bench and  has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony  office, where he is greeted by the smiling,
naked receptionist, "May I help  you?" she says. 

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have  the key back
and you can keep the $250 membership fee."

"But, Sir,"  she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the
chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 15 times a  day."



v v v v v





Gardening Tips:  


- Keep off the grass when it is hard frozen or you will  
leave blackened prints, which will take a few weeks to disappear.  

- Potted bulbs like hyacinths and narcissi will be rooted  
in their compost now, and can be brought from a cold garage  
or cold frame into slightly warmer conditions with maximum  
light indoors, to start them into growth.  

- Complete any digging, and leave the soil rough for the  
birds to get at insect pests and the frosts to break down the soil.  

- In milder gardens a first crop of broad beans can be  
started in pots in an unheated greenhouse now, for planting  
out in a few weeks.  

- On neutral or acidic soils, a dressing of lime will help  
prevent club root disease in cabbage family plants.  
  


v v v v v



The Top 9 Worst Techniques for Dealing with the Kids' Nightmares


9> "Just pee in your bed; Mom will take care of it in the morning."

8> Explain the alternative: Another sleepover at Neverland!

7> Give 'em a shot of Jack Daniels and a sleeping pill.

6> "Okay, let's do one more chapter of 'Bedbugs and Spiders and
    Other Nighty Bitey Things'..."

5> "Don't worry, nightmares aren't real -- unlike the monster under your bed."

4> "BOO!"

3> "You know we'd never leave you. Let me put down this suitcase
    and give you a big hug."

2> "Same thing happened to your big brother. No, you never had a
    chance to meet him...."


and the Number 1 Worst Technique for Dealing with the Kids' Nightmares...


1> Have Sanjaya sing them a lullaby.



v v v v v



The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips
before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the
properway to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they
roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20
feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in
dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out!"



v v v v v







Click here: DIY: Installing Desktop Memory
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BMW
This guide was developed to instruct readers on the proper procedures for installing memory modules
into a desktop computer. It includes step-by-step instructions for the physical installation of a memory
module into a desktop computer case along with photographs to help demonstrate the procedures. For
additional information about installing computer memory into your computer system, it is
recommended that you read any user manuals that came with your computer or motherboard for specific procedures
that may be required. For more information for purchasing memory upgrades for a computer,
please refer to the Before You Buy Memory Upgrades article.
   


v v v v v



One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my
neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband
behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!  My husband
is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word
about about him?"



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



A woman meets a man in a bar.  They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his  place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall
of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. 

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully
placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the
middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
 
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my
God!  Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the
passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where
they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man. 

After an intense, explosive  night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together
in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,  looks deeply into her eyes, and says,

"Help yourself to any prize from  the middle shelf!"



v v v v v






Click here: Questions to Ask Your Doctor About Depression
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/Zta
Opening a dialogue with your doctor is an important first step in getting your depression properly treated.
These are questions to ask your doctor about depression to get the conversation started.

Click here: Do I Need Stitches - When a Wound Needs Stitches - Evaluating a Wound for Stitches
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZtT
The first concern with open wounds is to control bleeding. If the wound is on a victim other than yourself, be
sure to stay safe and follow universal precautions, using personal protective equipment if available.When
evaluating a wound to decide if it needs stitches, there are several questions that need to be answered.
The first is why you are considering stitches at all. Stitches are used for two reasons.
Close a wound to promote healing and discourage infection
Reduce scarring

Click here: When to Call 911 - Calling 911 - 911 Emergency
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZtU
Some folks are afraid to call 911 because they are unsure whether their medical condition or complaint
rises to the level of an emergency. Calling a physician for advice is a good place to start, but physicians
aren't always readily available and many will end up telling patients to call 911 anyway.There are
specific conditions that should not wait for a call back from the family doctor before calling 911.
These medical conditions are time sensitive -- waiting too long could have serious consequences, even death. Additionally,
there are protocols in place to ease the transition from the ambulance to the hospital emergency department. A family
physician will probably not have the tools necessary to treat life-threatening events in his or her office.

Click here: Foods That Fend Off Diabetes -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/cc/?hash=1165219525745
An all-around healthy diet is, of course, important for anyone, but prediabetics should pay
special attention to foods that provide vitamins and minerals their bodies may be
lacking -- some of which could actually help ward off diabetes.
   
   

v v v v v


   
Three boys were sitting on a fence talking. One of the little boys
says to the other, "If you could have your body covered in anything,
what would it be?"

After thinking for a while the boy answers. "Silver"

"Well, why?"

"I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there"
The boy then asks the other, "And you?"

"Gold, I could peel it off and by the BMW sitting over there"

After a few seconds one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what
about you?!?"

The boy thought and thought and finaly, said very calmly,"Hair".

Well the other two boys were just sickened and asked..."HAIR????
Why in the hell would you want your WHOLE BODY covered in HAIR???"

"Well", the boy answered, "My sister has got a little tiny patch of
hair and she ownes both of those cars!!!"



v v v v v



Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7
children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method.
Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I
ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a
band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with
the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for the safe period, when the house
was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin,
Silky Hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still
got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I
bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me

as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your
thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't
work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got
severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it
between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will
have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it
is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,

Bubba Brickhead



v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfla@gmail.com








v v v v v



I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.



v v v v v



Dear Diary,


I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was
when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true.
It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after
an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked
her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery.
She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an
angel of light delivering divine revelation.

"Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, "I
believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and
love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in
our children, in everything! I believe all things in life
turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly."

"Damn, baby," I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and
sounds from the woman next to me. "I'm going to call that
shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the
combination of Prozac, Lithium and Paxil."



v v v v v



Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?

Free ham.



v v v v v








*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: EMAIL
http://www.goodtimes2.com/email.htm

Click here: VeryFunnyPics.com - Funny Pictures, Comics, and Cartoons
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/kids/imagepages/166.htm

Click here: Little Sunflowers! - A Funny Picture From Humor Haus!
http://www.angelfire.com/art2/cbas/makeitthruthenite.html



v v v v v



Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of
anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$
I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.


Reply from dad...

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad



v v v v v



One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in third grade.
Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly
tests. So together, Donna and her son go over the words for the test,
both meaning and spelling of the words.

A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test.  He scored 97%, missing

only one word. The word was "clock." Part of the test was to use each
spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence?  "My dad gave my mom a
clock for her birthday"  only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L."

Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check
mark she had ever seen.



v v v v v




Click here: 24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=womensissues&cdn=newsissues&tm=7&gps=152_253_1193_850&f=
00&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//womensissues.about.com/od/violenceagainstwomen/qt/DomVioHotline.htm
At the National Domestic Violence Hotline help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline
advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety
planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance
is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 140 languages through interpreter services.

Click here: when love hurts: a guide for girls on love, respect and abuse in relationships
http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/
A guide on love, respect and abuse in relationships



v v v v v



Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over
by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window
with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him
in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over,
you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He
gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger
side, and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks
him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"



v v v v v






Click here: All about men
http://cracker.com.au/threads.aspx?categoryid=11071
About women, Advice, Birds, Books, Business, Cars and bikes, Cats, Cracker News, Cracker
Talk, Crosswords, Culture, DIY, Dogs, Education - from downunder

Click here: BBC NEWS | Business | Older males 'have largest debts'
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6361295.stm

Click here: Why attractive men get the most women.
http://www.theplayersociety.com/articles/why-attractive-men-get-the-most-women..html



v v v v v



Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. I don't
know what's worse:

1) having your mistress find out you're married.

2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.




v v v v v



BASIL CHICKEN  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 pound boneless skinless chicken breast  
1 green bell pepper, seeded and sliced  
1 tablespoon fish sauce  
2 tablespoons fresh basil, sliced  
1 jalapeno pepper, seeded  
2 cloves garlic  
1 onion, sliced  
1 red bell pepper, seeded and sliced  
1 tablespoon oil  

DIRECTIONS:  
Heat wok, add tablespoon oil and chicken. Stir-fry until  
chicken is almost done. Puree 2 slices onion, 2 slices bell  
peppers, 2 cloves garlic, jalapeno, 1 tablespoon oil in  
blender or food processor. Add pureed mixture from food  
processor to wok. Stir for one minute. Add rest of peppers  
and onions. Stir-fry two minutes. Add rest of ingredients  
and stir-fry one minute. Soy sauce or small amount of salt  
can be substituted for fish sauce. Serve over steamed rice.  

Yield: 4 Servings  



v v v v v

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: Like A Rose
http://www.spiritisup.com/likearoserms.html

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: http://www.angelfire.com/on4/prissn/DontKnowWhy.html
http://www.angelfire.com/on4/prissn/DontKnowWhy.html



v v v v v



"According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of women
can't remember their natural hair color. You know what you call
these women? Blondes."


Jay Leno



v v v v v



CHUNKY GUACAMOLE  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
2 large ripe avocados  
2 medium tomatoes, finely chopped  
2 jalapeno chilies, seeded and chopped  
1 medium onion, finely chopped  
1 clove garlic, finely chopped  
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro, finely chopped  
3 tablespoons fresh lime juice  
dash pepper  

DIRECTIONS:  
Mash avocados with a potato masher (leave chunky). Mix all  
ingredients together in a glass bowl, cover and refrigerate  
at least 1 hour to allow flavors to blend. Serve with  
tortilla chips.  



v v v v v



NOTE:   Today is National Take Your Child to Work Day.
Understandably, those of us who are employed
in health care face somewhat different
challenges when we bring our kids to the unit.


The Top 10 "Take Your Child to Work Day" Rules


10> Please ask your children to refrain from making "poop jokes."
    Our colonoscopy team has heard them all.

9> Foley catheters are not to be used to create sound effects,
    especially while in use.

8> Keys to the narcotics cabinets are *not* to be used to
    entertain toddlers.

7> Children of the phlebotomy team will be discouraged from
    wearing fangs or bringing ketchup packets on rounds.

6> Any child caught in the pharmacy substituting red Skittles for
    the Colace will be sent home.

5> Children of surgeons at Seattle Grace will not be allowed to
    accompany their parents into the linen closet.

4> When transporting patients, all four wheels of the chair or
    gurney must remain in contact with the ground.

3> Super Soaker fights in the Recombinant DNA lab are strictly
    prohibited. Violators will be subdued, frozen and placed in storage.

2> Children old enough to open nitrous oxide cylinders for
    recreational use are considered too old for the program.


    and the Number 1 "Take Your Child to Work Day" Rule...


1> There is no humor in leaving a group of children to be
    entertained by an AED.



v v v v v






Invalid Drive Error: 1327
Ever receive an error for a drive that you don't even have on your computer? That would be a little strange, wouldn't it?

Well, we actually received a phone call about this yesterday and we thought it was beyond important enough to
include in the newsletter. This is actually a common error that seems to be popping up more and more lately, so if
you haven't come across it yet, you might very soon, so this is definitely one tip everyone will want to pay attention to.
First of all, this error is number 1327 and it has to do with an invalid drive. It could be any of the drives on
your computer, but it's mostly been listed under drives D: and E:. The drive letter will just
vary depending on the type of computer you have.

This type of error actually falls under several causes. The main one though is that the installation on a particular piece of
software was created with a type of hard-coded transfer path to a drive that doesn't even exist on the computer. For
example, when you try to install some software, you may receive the error listed under drive E:. Well, chances are,
you don't even have an E: drive on your computer. So, you tell me how much sense that makes! Unfortunately, if this is the case,
there's no way to make the software install under a different drive. The only thing you can
really do is contact the vendor of the software and they can help you out.

Some of the more unknown causes are that your CD ROM or DVD ROM drive letters have changed since a previous
install, you could have changed the drive letter for your hard drive in which the operating system of your computer is
installed on (it's usually supposed to be drive C:) or a registry key may have an invalid data value entry.
Now, since error 1327 has all of these causes, it's possible that you'll have to check out various items on your computer
to try and get the problem fixed. Below are some of the suggestions we have for you. These are all for
Windows XP users, because it is the operating system that this error mostly occurs under.

Begin by going to Start, Control Panel, Administrative Tools, Computer Management. (You must be in the
classic Control Panel view for this to work). Next, click on Disk Management and then click on the drive that contains
your operating system. From there, choose Change Drive Letter and Path. Now, click Edit and change that back to
the original drive letter that it's supposed to be. Click OK and Close to finish. Then try running the installation again.

The next best thing to check on is your registry entries. This, of course, requires you to work within the Registry Editor.
If the modifications are done incorrectly, you could cause other problems for your computer, so if you're not 100 percent
sure about what you're doing, please seek help from someone who does. You may also want to back up your registry before starting.

If you're ready to do this, go to Start, Run, type in "regedit" and click OK for the Registry Editor to open.
Next, find this registry key: HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Explorer\Shell Folders.

Once you're there, look at the values under the Data column of every entry. If you find that one value has an incorrect
drive letter, right click it and choose Modify. Then just type in the correct drive letter in the Value Data spot and click
OK. For instance, if you see that one of the entries has a letter X: for the drive, that's obviously incorrect. Change it to
C: and you should be good to go. Make sure you repeat these steps for every entry that you see is wrong. If
you're still having trouble with that, you can also check the following registry keys:
HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Explorer\User Shell Folders
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Explorer\Shell Folders
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Explorer\User Shell Folders

Once you're done checking what you need to, close the Registry Editor and try installing the software again.
Now, if neither of those two suggestions worked for you, the only other thing you can do is contact the software
vendor, as I mentioned before. They are the ones who created the actual installation and they should have other
suggestions on tap for anyone who has trouble. Sometimes the installation process just goes beyond
the consumer and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't feel bad! You're not the only one this has
happened to. Just do what you can and if you need more help, call!

Erin
worldstart.com
 


v v v v v



A young man was applying for a job in a big company.

"I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is
overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need."

"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the
little bit of work I do won't be noticed anyway."



v v v v v



A Ukrainian woman was arrested after customs officers caught her
trying to smuggle drugs inside a vibrator.

Svetlana Ivanyshka was asked to open her suitcases at Kiev airport
after guards got a tip off that a young woman on her flight from
New Delhi was carrying drugs.  They found a bag of hashish stuffed
in the sex toy's battery compartment.

A border police spokesman said, "She told us that she had put the
drugs in a vibrator because she thought no one would ever think
of touching it, let alone looking inside it.

"She was obviously unaware of how thorough our officers are in
their searches."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87







v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Three men were sitting together bragging about  how
they had given their  new wives duties.

The  first man had married a Woman from Illinois
and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple days, but on the third day
he came  home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. 

The second man had married a woman from Michigan . 
He had given his wife orders that she was to do all  the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day  he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his
house was  clean, the dishes were done, and there was
a huge dinner on the  table.

The third man had married a girl from INDIANA. He  told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed,  laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said  the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day  he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of
the  swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left  eye, enough to fix himself a bite to
eat and load the dishwasher.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
Granny B 132


There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a  baby so he went  before the congregation and asked
for a raise. After much  discussion, they  passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family  expanded, so would his  paycheck . 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive  and the  Congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the  preacher's  salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much  the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church. 

Finally,  the Preacher got up and spoke to  the crowd, "Children are a gift
from God,"  he said. Silence fell on  the congregation. In the back pew, a
little old lady  stood up and in  her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from
God, but when we  get  too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said,   "Amen".



v v v v v






*submitted by*
KP1983
Click here: You've got a friend flash movie
http://indigo.org/friends/

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: ~ Bear Hugs For You ~
http://www.creationsfromtheheart.biz/jgbearhugsforyou.html

2. Click here: Just Dropping By...
http://asandboxgreeting.com/foramomentortwo.html



v v v v v



WILD RICE CASSEROLE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 cup wild rice, uncooked  
1 pound fresh mushrooms, sliced thickly  
1 cup minced onion  
3 cups vegetable broth  
3 cloves garlic, minced  
  
DIRECTIONS  
Rinse wild rice well. Combine wild rice, mushrooms, onion,  
and garlic in a 3 quart casserole dish. Pour broth over it  
all, cover, and bake at 350 degrees for about 1 1/2 hours.  

Category: Side Dishes  



v v v v v



My friend had moved to a house near a little grocery store and her
11-year-old son wanted to buy something so bad.  She had started
her period so wrote a note for him to get her some pads. He came
home, put the bag on the table and asked her if it was okay? She
said it was. He told her to look inside; she did. "Is it okay?"

"Yes, why?"

The grocer asked him if he wanted Regular or Super?  He thought
about it and got Regular because that's what she always got at
the gas station.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
KP1983





v v v v v



A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"

Little Johnny replies "an eggplant."

"No Johnny" says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an
onion, aren't you?"

"No miss" Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"



v v v v v



My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest
rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.

I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when
he went in there he saw a sign that read,

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."



v v v v v



The community college where my wife teaches is next door to a
School for the Deaf.

One day she entered the computer lab and noticed a hearing-impaired
student signing away animatedly but, it seemed, to no one in
particular. She asked his interpreter if the student was okay.

"Oh, he's fine," said the interpreter. "He's just swearing at
his computer."



v v v v v







Click here: Are you padding your brake pads?
http://autorepair.about.com/b/a/000008.htm
As you pull up to the stoplight you hear a deafening screech. It's either the flock of pterodactyl that
escaped from Jurassic Park or it's time to replace your brake pads. You should go ahead and take care
of it before you start getting those dirty looks in the supermarket parking lot. You know the looks, first they
turn their heads in fear as they hear the horrific squeal coming from your wheels, then they
look up at you like you've been pulling the arms off of little girls' dolls.



v v v v v



A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting
for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women'
said the woman.

'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After
ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.

'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything
for me that my vibrator can't!'

'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator
do that?'



v v v v v



A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52
and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls
around the lumbering old bomber.

The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."  The B-52
continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."



v v v v v






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A new wallpaper will download to your desktop every day. Our interactive wallpaper will display pictures from the
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desktop wallpaper will be different. The Interactive Wallpaper downloads a new picture every day.
Our Interactive Wallpaper does not include any Spyware or Malicious Software.

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  A marvelous 3D Fireworks Screensaver with saluting greetings over famous European and American cities.
Delightful views and fireworks of different colors allow to get beautiful pictures on your monitor.

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30 High resolution images of Chopper motorcycles fading into each other in a picture slideshow. Variety of transition
effects. Various models of choppers, big pleasure for every rocker or motorcycles fan.
Version 1.1 improves images duration and adds trial time limitation



v v v v v



"The murder rate is down in New York City. The murder rate in New
York City is so low, there's a pretty good chance that most of
you folks will make it back to your hotel rooms."


Dave Letterman



v v v v v



"Scientists say they have located the gene that causes
obesity. Yeah. His name is Gene Millman and he invented Krispy
Kreme doughnuts."


Conan O'Brien



v v v v v






Time's All-Time 100 Albums

(http://www.stereogum.com/archives/cat_shit_list.html)

The music mavens at the venerable Time
magazine have compiled their list of the "ALL-TIME  100" albums -- unranked and broken down by decade.
We're not sure what's better:  that only five albums of the past five years are among their 100 greatest, or
that four of those five were by people who were dead before the '00s even  began. Whatever.
Anyway, here's the list in reverse chronological order

2000s
Hank Williams - The Essential Hank Williams  Collection
Kanye West - The College Dropout
Sam Cooke -  Portrait Of A Legend 1951-1964
Elvis Presley - Elvis: 30 No. 1  Hits
Muddy Waters - The Anthology, 1947 - 1972
Radiohead -  Kid A
Outkast - Stankonia
PJ Harvey - Stories From The  City, Stories From The Sea
Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP 
1990s
Elvis Presley - Sunrise
Lucinda Williams - Car  Wheels On A Gravel Road
Radiohead - OK Computer
The Notorious  B.I.G. - Ready To Die
Bob Dylan - Time Out Of Mind
DJ  Shadow - Endtroducing...
Oasis - (What's The Story) Moning  Glory
Hole - Live Through This
Mary J. Blige - My  Life
Pavement - Slanted And Enchanted
Dr. Dre - The  Chronic
U2 - Achtung Baby
Nirvana -  Nevermind
R.E.M. - Out Of Time
Various Artists - Phil  Spector, Back To Mono (1958-1969)
Garth Brooks - Ropin' The  Wind
James Brown - Star Time
A Tribe Called Quest - The  Low End Theory

1980s
Madonna - Like A Prayer
Beastie Boys -  Paul's Boutique
The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses
Public  Enemy - It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back
N.W.A. -  Straight Outta Compton
R.E.M. - Document
Eric B. And  Rakim - Paid In Full
Prince - Sign O' The Times
U2 -  The Joshua Tree
Paul Simon - Graceland
Metallica -  Master Of Puppets
Run-DMC - Raising Hell
Bob Marley And  The Wailers - Legend
Prince - Purple Rain
Talking Heads  - Stop Making Sense
Chuck Berry - The Great  Twenty-Eight
Michael Jackson - Thriller
AC/DC - Back In  Black 
1970s
The Clash - London  Calling
Parliament/Funkadelic - One Nation Under A  Groove
The Sex Pistols - Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex  Pistols
Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
The Eagles - Hotel  California
The Ramones - Ramones
Stevie Wonder - Songs  In The Key Of Life
Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run
Patti  Smith - Horses
Willie Nelson - Red Headed Stranger
Al  Green - Call Me
Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brick  Road
David Bowie - The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust
The  Rolling Stones - Exile On Main Street
Stevie Wonder - Talking  Book
Jimmy Cliff And Various Artists - The Harder They  Come
Joni Mitchell - Blue
Dolly Parton - Coat Of Many  Colors
David Bowie - Hunky Dory
Led Zeppelin -  IV
Black Sabbath - Paranoid
The Rolling Stones -  Sticky Fingers
Carole King - Tapestry
Marvin Gaye -  What's Going On
The Who - Who's Next
Neil Young -  After The Gold Rush
Simon & Garfunkel - Bridge Over  Troubled Water
John Lennon - Plastic Ono Band
Van Morrison  - Moondance

1960s
The Beatles - Abbey Road
Miles Davis -  Bitches Brew
Sly & The Family Stone - Stand!
The  Band - The Band
Van Morrison - Astral Weeks
Johnny Cash  - At Folsom Prison
Aretha Franklin - Lady Soul
The  Beatles - The Beatles ("The White Album")
The Jimi Hendrix  Experience - Are You Experienced
Aretha Franklin - I Never  Loved A Man The Way I Love You
The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely  Hearts Club Band
The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground  And Nico
Bob Dylan - Blonde On Blonde
The Beach Boys -  Pet Sounds
The Beatles - Revolver
Bob Dylan - Highway  61 Revisited
Otis Redding - Otis Blue
The Beatles -  Rubber Soul
John Coltrane - A Love Supreme
James Brown -  Live At The Apollo (1963)
Ray Charles - Modern Sounds In  Country And Western Music
Robert Johnson - King Of The Delta Blues Singers

1950s
Miles Davis - Kind Of Blue
Little Richard -  Here's Little Richard
Frank Sinatra - Songs For Swingin'  Lovers
Frank Sinatra - In The Wee Small Hours
Head over to Time for there detailed explanations on each choice.  What you won't find are explanations
as to why no Pixies, Smiths, or  Britney Spears albums appear anywhere on there.



v v v v v



"I like hip-hop. I'm working with Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Herb Tea. I'm
changing my name to Snapple."


Paul Mooney



v v v v v









v v v v v



"I'm sure you know by now, Larry Birkhead won the Anna Nicole
baby sweepstakes.

You know, he sold the kid on eBay for 40 million bucks"


Jimmy Kimmel



v v v v v










Click here: Break.com - Funny Pics, Hot Chicks, & Cool Flicks
http://www.break.com/index/what_i_learned_from_porn.html

Click here: Allamericanguys.com
http://www.allamericanguys.com/preview/index.php?CLICK=111349,1,aag_rs,
Not really sure - but this site seems to be for the gals out there - unless, of course,
you bat for the same team.  Live video chats, sexy video
clips, photos and more

*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
Click here: Breast Test II
http://www.c4wkg0blin.com/breasttest.html
Can you tell the fake from the real?

Click here: Naked Polyhedra
http://www.nakedgeometry.com/polyhedra.html
Naked geometry -- hmmm



v v v v v



Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control



v v v v v



Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind



v v v v v

©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

v v v v v

384