Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
Hey!
Remember my total lack of sleep when my female Chihuahua was in heat?
Well, with Spring
on the horizon I had *that* problem fixed. Literally! No more sleepless
nights. No more laying in bed
bouncing up and down. From now on, any action in MY bed with have ME involved!
Any takers?
*smirk*
Be
careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
"Did not see a new newsletter and just wanted to make sure everything is ok
and of course let you know you are missed !!!!!!!
dallas229@cox.net
"Monday was rough, but I just figured you had server problems or otherwise couldn't
get the newsletter
out to all of us. Today I really started having serious withdrawal symptoms.
I hope the problem is fixed
soon because I miss the weekly dose of sanity. Steve"
srw41@cox.net
v
v v v v
SIGNS
THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE
* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.
* You have his n' hers bathrooms.
* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labeled "Anthrax"
and "Cyanide."
* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit
between the news and the late night sports show.
* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.
* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.
* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse
with a carving knife.
* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can
have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.
* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the
small print in your life insurance policy.
v
v v v v
"President Bush asked Bill Clinton for advice about what to do
in Iraq and he said: 'Don't pull out until you hear her husband's
car in the drive way.'"
Craig Ferguson
v
v v v v
A Psychiatric Condition?
Many people with insomnia and even some healthcare professionals
persist in the belief that insomnia is a psychiatric illness.
This perspective derives from a variety of known associations:
* Nearly 90 percent of patients with mood disorders
suffer from insomnia.
* Among individuals with insomnia who come to sleep
disorders centers, 35 percent have insomnia related to
a psychiatric illness; in half of those cases the
illness is a major depressive disorder.
* Thought disorders like schizophrenia commonly produce
the complaint of not sleeping at all.
* Anxiety disorders are highly correlated with insomnia.
You can easily see why psychiatric disorders are over-generalized
as the cause of insomnia, but they are only one, albeit a major
one, of the illnesses and conditions associated with insomnia.
But keep this fact in mind: Even though insomnia is commonly
associated with mood disorders, there are 37 other causes, most
of which aren't psychiatric.
Sleep Disorders For Dummies
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764539019.html?cid=etipBookLink
],
by Max Hirshkowitz, PhD, DABSM, and Patricia Smith.
v
v v v v
An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first
time. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of
course the old woman was quite embarrassed. Finally, the exam
was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to
his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the
results. She then said she really only had one question for him.
The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"
"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
CHIN3917
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she
decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old
Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,
she
called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left
breast. Why do you ask?"
She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
v
v v v v
Click
here: Health Insurance & Wellness Plans for Animals
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/7&sdn=health_vetmedicine&tm=29&gps=50_432_1193_850&f=21&su=p496.
9.140.ip_p284.2.420.ip_&tt=7&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//vetmedicine.about.com/od/pethealthinsurance/
Health and wellness plans, health insurance, and other animal-related insurance
plans available to
pet owners. Learn how to make the best choices for your pets and lifestyle
Click
here: Vaccinations - Veterinary Medicine - Dogs, Cats, Horses
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/D&sdn=health_vetmedicine&tm=42&gps=71_552_1193_850&f=21&su
=p496.9.140.ip_&tt=14&bt=0&bts=1&zu=http%3A//vetmedicine.about.com/od/vaccinations/
Vaccination protocols and schedules for dogs, cats and other animals
Click here: Aggression Between Cats
Sharing a Household
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/Yr4
It is always with concern when we witness what seems to be angry aggression
between cats who have been
good buddies in the past. Two cats will be engaged in mutual grooming one minute,
and at the next, are locked
in a tooth-and-claw battle. Our instinct is to break it up before someone gets
hurt, and indeed, sometimes that
intercession is called for. However, aggression between housemate cats comes
in several forms, with
associated causes, and it behooves us, their human companions, to fully understand
these kinds of
aggressive behavior so that we can take appropriate steps, when needed.
v
v v v v
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her
bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to
drink, but she refused it.
Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into
the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to
her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they
knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and
pointing out the window, she said "Don't sell that cow."
v
v v v v
A man called the doctor's office and says that his wife has the flu and
needs an appointment.
The receptionist replied that the office was going to be closed for a
couple of days, but that he could have an appointment in 3 days.
The man went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?!!!
The doctor can't see her for three days?!!! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would
you please call to cancel the appointment?"
v
v v v v
v v v v v
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages, but knocks on the door
when it gets there.
v v v v v
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
v v v v v
Mark noticed he was running low on condoms, so he stopped by
the local drugstore on the way home.
"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size, the blonde led him into
the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her.
He was delighted to oblige.
"Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out.
How many do you want?"
Mark bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend
Tom. Mark eagerly told Tom the whole story.
Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order,
"But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.
So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure.
"Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many would you like?"
But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None thanks," he told her
zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."
v v v v v
Dealing
with Remodeling Debris
Your big remodeling project is going great, but what do you do
with all of the debris after it's been ripped away? Haul it out
and put it into a receptacle of some kind, like a Dumpster. When
you rent a trash container, keep these points in mind.
* Do be prepared to let your rental company know what type of debris
you're dumping. General construction
debris, such as lumber, plywood, roofing shingles, and so
on, is usually accepted without any additional
charges. Some landfills may charge an additional fee if
you need to dispose of treated lumber or old carpet.
* Do your best to schedule Dumpster delivery and pick up when you'll
get the most use out of it for your money.
Most rental companies require a two-week minimum for rental
(check with your individual hauler for their
specific terms). This gives you a reasonable amount of time.
But if things take longer, most companies will
let you keep the container unit for as long as you need
it, charging for each additional week.
* Don't wait until the last minute to order a trash container.
You'd be amazed how long you may have to
wait to get one delivered to your house, especially if you
live in an area that's enjoying a construction boom.
For more information like this, get a copy of Kitchen Remodeling
For Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764525530.html?cid=etipBookLink
],
by Donald R. Prestly.
Click here: Complete Spring Cleaning
Checklist Spring Cleaning Guide Spring Clean Your House
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5D6F
The flowers are blooming, the birds are serenading, and our house still feels
like it's stuck with winter blues.
Spring cleaning is a tradition that allows us to freshen up our homes and get
a head start on the hectic seasons
of spring and summer. What do you need help spring cleaning? Spring Cleaning
Checklists By RoomThese tutorials help
with spring cleaning for any room. Each tutorial gives a list of steps, tools
and supplies
needed, and tips to help you get the job done.
v
v v v v
A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"
The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all
your clothes, miss, and lie down..."
v
v v v v
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to
you anyway.
v v v v v
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had
finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his
leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?"
demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
v v v v v
Special
Benefits of Composting
What is compost?
Compost is the finished decomposed product of organic material from your garden
and household, such as leaves, grass
clippings, fruit and vegetable peelings, egg shells and even fluff from your
dryer! Given the proper conditions these
materials will turn into a rich earthy material that will enrich your soil and
add nutrients to your plants. Best of
all, this compost is free!
Composting is not new. But more gardeners are discovering that it is an excellent
way to recycle green material from
your garden, reuse household vegetable waste while at the same time reducing
the amount of material sent to landfills.
1.
Air The microbes that break down and decompose the material,
need air. Otherwise your compost pile could end up
smelling like a garbage heap! This means if you are adding things like wet leaves
or grass it is essential that you turn
and “fluff up” your pile each week or add straw or similar material to add bulk
and prevent the leaves and grass from
matting down into a slimy solid layer.
2. Water The material in your compost pile should be slightly moist, like
a wrung out sponge. This moisture is what the
microbes need to flourish and do their job of breaking down the compost materials.
If you add a lot of dry ingredients
to your compost pile like straw or autumn leaves, then be sure to add some moisture.
However, don’t let your pile get
too wet as that will pack down the materials too much and prevent decomposition.
3. Food The microbes need a good mixture of two basic materials.
Green plant materials such at green leaves, tea
bags, coffee grounds, fruit and vegetable scraps and brown plant materials which
are dry and dead. These include straw,
dry weeds and leaves and even sawdust. Things to avoid are cooked vegetables
and meat products. Although some people can
successfully add just about anything to their compost piles, cooked or processed
vegetable
matter and meat may attract vermin.
Depending on the temperature, and how often you turn your compost pile, your
finished material could be ready in just
a few weeks. In colder areas, your pile will go dormant in the winter but as
soon as it warms up again in the spring, the
microbes get right back to work breaking down the garden wastes.
v
v v v v
Why do some bikers prefer fat, tattooed women?
They give shadein the summer time, heat in the winter time and moving
pictures all year 'round!
v
v v v v
San Francisco has become the first US city to pay for civil employees'
sex change operations.
The rest rooms at San Francisco's City Hall are now labeled "Men,"
"Women" and "Patent Pending."
v v v v v
Martin went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big
boobs and a small box."
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied Martin.
"I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam.
"Go straight up the stairs to room 23." A few minutes later there was
a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouth and the small dick?"
v v v v v
v v v v v
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without
her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for
herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble
trying to eat the turkey?" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
v
v v v v
What did the post card say from the blonde?
Having a good time. Where am I?
v
v v v v
You can rename loads of files at once in Windows Explorer. Highlight a set of
files in a window, then right
click on one and rename it. All the other files will be renamed to that name,
with individual numbers in brackets
to distinguish them. Also, in a folder you can arrange icons in alphabetised
groups by View, Arrange Icon By… Show In Groups.
v
v v v v
Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?
She loved men.
v v v v v
Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly.
Bend over Babe,
'Cause here comes my willy!
v
v v v v
Mafia
Greeting Cards
My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
-o-
I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.
-o-
Lie down with me
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
-o-
I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
v
v v v v
Click here: Funny olympics pictures
- leenks.com
http://leenks.com/gallery46-all.htm
Funny pics from the olympics
*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
Click here: http://d21c.com/emma3/hoho/funnies/hooked.gif
http://d21c.com/emma3/hoho/funnies/hooked.gif
Click here:
Beginning
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/Beginning.htm
v
v v v v
A
survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper
and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street
who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.
"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman.
The questioner smiled.
"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.
"We are," said the gentleman.
" But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a
seventy-two year old priest with no car"
v
v v v v
The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate.
When the preacher saw a $100 bill in the collection plate,
he stopped the service and announced, "Who ever put the $100
bill in the plate please stand up."
A gay man stood up and said, "I did."
The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate
I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!"
v v v v v
Tech Tips Articles For Women - Computers,
Web Sites, E-Mail, Internet
http://www.womenof.com/ttmenu.asp
Women's Flyfishing - flyfishing guides,
fly fishing schools, instruction, tips, links, pictures, Alaska fishing reports
and
http://www.womensflyfishing.net/
Amazon.com:
Listmania! Dating tips for Sisters
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/2S1AKL6FHBUUQ/qid%3D1050052912/s
r%3Dlmlf-4/ref%3Dbr%5Flmlf%5F%5F4/002-9658813-5780067
v
v v v v
Roses
are red, pickles are green
I love your legs and whats between
I like your style I like your class
but most of all I like your ass
v
v v v v
This drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So the bartender
gave him directions to a brothel. The drunk was so messed up that he
accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office. The
receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service", states the drunk.
The lady sends him to the other room and
tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his dick
on the examination table. When the doctor comes in and notices the man's
penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
v v v v v
Click
here: Little Boys and Big Men
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=divorcesupport&cdn=people&tm=2&gps=103_221_1193_850
&f=00&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//divorcesupport.about.com/od/hisissues/a/menlittleboys.htm
There is a lot of material written about how men should act with and around
women. It seems that the more things
are written for men, the less they seem to understand about themselves. First
they read that they should be soft
and understanding toward women, and then they are told to be tough and say as
little as possible. It is no
wonder that men are more confused than ever about how they should act. Men,
for the most part, need to have
things explained in the simplest way possible. Like the old television program,
Dragnet, "Just the facts, Ma'am,"
that is what men need to become more successful in their relationships.
Click
here: Once Burned...
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=divorcesupport&cdn=people&tm=16&gps=431_775_1193_850
&f=00&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//divorcesupport.about.com/od/hisissues/a/menonceburned.htm
Many people, when asked what are the three most terrifying words in the English
language, would say they are
"I love you." There is an enormous amount of pressure on people when these three
words begin to creep into a relationship.
Another equally terrifying phrase is, "trust me." There is no telling how many
people have been set up and used after
letting their guard down after someone said "trust me." In any relationship
there
comes a time when trust becomes an issue.
v
v v v v
Redneck Poems
Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don't know
but i do like you.
-o-
I love you more
than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.
-o-
You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you'd shave that
hair off your legs.
-o-
If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.
-o-
Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it's my payday?
-o-
When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.
-o-
I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz i'm really horney
and I want to get laid.
v v v v v
Smoking
is one of the leading causes of statistics
v v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Click here: My
Beautiful America
http://oldbluewebdesigns.com/mybeautifulamerica.htm
Click here: NationMaster - World
Statistics, Country Comparisons
http://www.nationmaster.com/index.php
Welcome to NationMaster, a massive central data source and a handy way to graphically
compare nations.
NationMaster is a vast compilation of data from such sources as the CIA World
Factbook, UN, and OECD. Using the
form above, you can generate maps and graphs on all kinds of statistics with
ease.
We want to be the web's one-stop resource for country statistics on everything
from soldiers
to wall plug voltages.
You can also view profiles of individual
countries including their maps
and flags,
use correlation reports
and scatterplots
to find relationships between variables, and refer to fully integrated encyclopedia
with over one million articles.
* There are several organizations which accept monetary donations in order to
provide financial and other assistance to needy servicemembers:
The American Red Cross provides emergency
financial assistance and assists servicemembers with emergency leave.
The USO provides morale, welfare and recreation-type
services to uniformed military personnel.
The Army Emergency Relief provides emergency
financial assistance to members of the United States Army.
v
v v v v
Having discovered my cache of Easter eggs, my seven-year-old son
sat me down for a serious confrontation. "Okay, I know you're
the Easter Bunny, and I'm pretty sure you're Santa Claus."
He paused and searched my face. "Tell me the truth now! Are you
God, too?"
v
v v v v
My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a
15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang, and the boy's
mother reached over to pick it up.
After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside,
put her hand over the mouthpiece and said, "Your father wants to
know if you have any cute nurses."
The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm,
ready for insertion. "Tell Dad," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous."
v v v v v
Baileys Chocolate Covered Banana
1 oz Creme de Cacao (Dark)
1 oz Baileys Irish Cream
1/2 banana mix
1/2 cream
ice
Rocks or blended frozen (add 2 scoops
ice cream or mix)
Blueberry Tequila Sunrise
1
oz Tequila
1 oz Blueberry Schnapps
1 oz cherry mix
fill orange juice
ice
rocks
Add 2 oz flavor mix or Schnapps for a Cherry,
Peach, Blackberry, Raspberry, Strawberry or
Wildberry Blueberry Tequila Sunrise
v
v v v v
"Al Gore is at it again. He was at The Grammys; he'll be at
the Oscars; and now he's launching a series of concerts to
benefit the fight against global warming. Its slogan? 'Gorefest
2007. It's hard-Gore.' I'm going to that! And I think I'm going
to Obama-Palooza, too."
Jimmy Kimmel
v
v v v v
The strict and unsmiling manager noticed that the suggestion box
was missing from the wall beside the time clock. He began to ask
around to see who knew what had become of it.
"You!" he yelled at one of his employees. "Where's the suggestion box?"
"I don't personally know, Sir," the employee responded.
"But the office gossip is that it's under your desk, wired, and ticking."
v v v v v
v
v v v v
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked
for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special
showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good
starting point for answering questions about the facts of life. As
her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal,
he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Gee," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
v
v v v v
What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
"We may not be number 1, but were still up there!"
v v v v v
The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman:
What would you say to a little "oral" activity?
"That all depends,..." she quickly responded.
.Your face, or mine?"
v v v v v
Click here: FlightAware - Free Flight Tracker
- IFR Flight Status, Tracking, History, Maps
http://flightaware.com/
Here's another flight-tracking site -- FlightAware is a free flight tracker
that will change what you think
about live flight tracking and aviation data. Begin browsing by clicking one
of the links to the left or below.
If you know what flight or airport you're interested in, you can enter that
information in the lower left
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
Click here: Popular Front: SnowDays
http://www.popularfront.com/snowdays/
I love this site -- it comes around each year! Make some pretty snowflakes!
Click here: Instructables: step-by-step
collaboration
http://www.instructables.com/
One of my favorite things about the Internet is that you can find instructions
for just about anything.
No matter what you want to do, somebody’s probably already done it – and posted
instructions online! But what about
when you want a new project, but you’re not sure what it is yet? Just visit
instructables. You’ll find much more than you bargained for. Some
of the projects are ingenious. Others are useful. But some are downright odd.For
example, someone has posted instructions on how
to mail a tiger. I don’t see myself trying that one anytime soon. But there
are plenty other projects I’m contemplating.
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: ~Luvdalot
Graphics & Design - Linkware Sets-Contemporary
Artists-Josephine Wall- Spirit of Winter~
http://www.journeyoflove1.com/spiritofwinter.html
Linkware you may have but not on a commercial site
Click
here: Video - Create a Family Disaster Plan
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/1Xe&zu=http%3A//home.about.com/z/cg/vp.htm%3Fch%3Dhealth%26l%3Dhealth/v/6%26ap%3D1
Everyone hopes a real emergency will never happen. Get tips on developing a
disaster plan for your family and find out how you can be prepared..
Click here: 3 YEARS 3 MINUTES
http://www.3years3minutes.com/
Feel free to download a copy of the movie for yourself, or to share. The only
thing I ask is that you not alter the movie in
any way (specifically, the credits at the end). And hey - if you've got a blog
and wouldn't mind dropping a
link pointing visitors back to this site, well... that'd be pretty swell.
Click here:
A Knock on the Duir
http://www.duirwaighgallery.com/inspiration_aknock.htm
Beautiful -- thought provoking
Click here:
America's Best: The 2006 List: America's 100 Best: The 2006 List
http://www.rd.com/content/openContent.do?contentId=26667
Best bloom, delivery, byte for your buck, mobile art, and more!
Click here: Look at Me, a collection
of found photos
http://www.moderna.org/lookatme/
The collection contains 616
photos.
These photos were either lost, forgotten, or thrown away. The images now are
nameless, without
connection to the people they show, or the photographer who took them.
v
v v v v
"Did you hear about the fan violence in Italy at soccer games? The
fan violence in Italy at soccer games has gotten so bad, the teams
are forced to play in empty stadiums. Empty stadiums! And so now,
it's just like United States soccer."
Dave Letterman
v
v v v v
My boyfriend works for a driving school. One of the great perks
is you get to take the car out on the weekends. I'm telling you,
that's one great party car.
You can be doing lines of coke, smoking joints, be drunk out of your
head, swerving all over the road. No one ever says anything. Even
the cops say, "Get a load of the student driver."
v v v v v
by deb
What
The Dogs Have Taught Me
by
Merrill Markoe
"Award-winning comedy writer Merrill Markoe, the slightly warped mind behind
Stupid Pet Tricks, is an old hand with
dogs. She knows who's boss (they are) and the myriad ways a loving pet can make
you feel guilty twenty-four hours a
day. This new edition of Merrill Markoe's classic collection of humorous essays
gives readers the
choicest selections along with brand-new material"
Nope -- this book, while very funny at times, simply doesn't relate to the title
except
on a few occasions. It really is a laugh out loud book at times, most
of it
relates to her life apart from her dogs. It wasn't what I expected
but worth reading nonetheless.
v
v v v v
There was an intruder at Prince Charles' house last night
. . . with a pitchfork. He entered the home while he and Camilla
were asleep. But no one was harmed. The intruder fled after Camilla
woke up and started barking.
v
v v v v
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for his extraordinary treatment of
arthritis, had a waiting room full of people. A little old lady,
almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her
cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and,
amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with
her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this, rushed up to the
little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in nearly bent
in half and now you're walking upright! What did the doctor do?"
"He gave me a longer cane."
v v v v v
v
v v v v
How many blondes does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
100 ... 1 to stir ... and 99 to peel the M & M's.
v
v v v v
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are
discussing all the aspects of their future.
"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a
house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed
women who might be a little younger than herself, since she
is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Hell, probably the same thing."
v v v v v
The
Palestinians, understandably, want a homeland of their
own. So far, it doesn't seem chopping up Israel even smaller
than it already is will be a satisfactory solution for either side.
So why not give France to the Palestinians?
The French have already stated that nothing is worth fighting
for. France certainly has more room, better irrigation and soil
than the West Bank or the Gaza Strip. The houses are nicer,
and tourists will visit, helping the economy. Plus, there are no
pesky Israeli troops there for the Palestinians to hassle with.
Heck, the French won't even fight back ... and they may not
even notice their country's gone. It's possibly the perfect solution!
But what about a name for this new "Franco-Palestine" territory?
May I humbly suggest calling it Frankenstine?
v v v v v
Trojan Flooder
worldstart.com - Erin
If
you're like me, when you see the word "Trojan," you probably panic. Am I right?
Of course, a Trojan is pretty much only
associated with a virus (or at least some sort of threat) in today's computer
world. They are basically completely destructive
programs that disguise themselves as very helpful and useful programs. But,
in all actuality, they contain hidden
code which allows them to do harmful things to one's computer.
In
the past month, a new Trojan has made its way onto the scene. It is called the
Trojan Flooder.AKE and it has been found
to mostly affect AVG users. There are a couple of symptoms with this that you
can look out for. First of all, an alert box will pop up
on your screen, telling you about a new threat found on your computer and that
you should "heal it now." If you do that, your
computer will restart, but that same message will still be there. Your computer
will then be stuck in a loop of "flooding."
As
I said earlier, this mainly only affects AVG users, so if you use AVG for your
antivirus program, be on the look out for this.
It may pop up on your screen at any time, so just ignore it and you should be
just fine. Always stay safe!
v
v v v v
If men have a funny way of looking at life, maybe it's because
they always view it through the periscope in their pants.
v
v v v v
Three addicts went into a favorite back alley to shoot up.
The first one sterilized his needle, swabbed it with alcohol, and shot up.
Then he passed it to the next fellow, who swabbed the needle with
alcohol, and shot up.
Then he passed it on the third addict, who stuck the needle
right into his arm.
"Are you crazy, man?" screamed the first two. "Haven't you heard of
AIDs? You could get sick, man, you could die!"
"Don't be ridiculous," said the third guy in a lofty tone.
"I'm wearing a condom."
v v v v v
Click here: AIB International Home Page
https://www.aibonline.org/
Courses, products, resources and more
Click here: Home
http://www.asbe.org/
The American Society of Baking is a collaborative professional organization
comprising commercal baking
professionals, food technologists, engineering, equipment and ingredient experts
dedicated to
advancing baking and baking science technology.
Click here: Bakery-Net.com
http://www.bakery-net.com/
From the publishers of Modern Baking and Baking Management magazines. Bakery-Net
is reserved for members
of the professional bakery foods industry and its allied associates. A free,
annual password is required
v
v v v v
The hell with Folgers.
The best part of waking up is going back to sleep.
v
v v v v
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July
16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally
as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge,
have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them
fancy Mitsubishis."
v
v v v v
Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v
v v v v
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas
of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she
advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her
brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the
guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in
your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every
night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
v
v v v v
The Top 14 Movie Re-Makes Starring Britney Spears
(Part
II)
14> Raver of the Lost Trailer Park
13> Good Pill Hunting
12> I Know What You Did Last Weekend -- And So Does the Entire
World, for Chrissakes
11> Skankspears in Heat
10> Who Lies Beneath
9> The Sisterhood of the Vanishing Panties
8> Bride of Federline
7> Girl, Inadumpster
6> The Britney Horror Coochie Show
5> One Blew Over the Headrest
4> The Rawskank Intervention
3> Puking in Cars With Boys
2> Honey, I Neglected the Kids!
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Movie Re-Make Starring Britney Spears...
1> The Driveler Wears Nada
v
v v v v
LOUISIANA DIRTY RICE & Shrimp Creole
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
~ Louisiana Dirty Rice ~
INGREDIENTS:
1/4 cup onion, chopped
1/4 cup celery leaves, chopped
1/2 pound fresh andouille or pork sausage
1 cup white long grain rice, uncooked
2 cups water
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin
DIRECTIONS:
In large skillet, brown sausage with the onion and celery
until the sausage is just cooked and crumbled and the
vegetables have softened. If sausage produces excess fat,
drain. Add rice, water and cumin to the browned sausage
mixture. Stir ingredients together and bring to a boil.
Cover, reduce heat to low, and simmer for 20 minutes or
until rice is tender.
~ Shrimp Creole ~
INDREDIENTS:
2 tablespoons canola oil or extra virgin olive oil
1/2 cup onion, chopped
1/2 cup green bell pepper, chopped
1/4 cup celery, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon creole seasoning
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper to taste
1 14.5 ounce can of diced tomatoes, undrained
1/4 cup white wine, water, tomato juice, or tomato sauce
1 Bay Leaf
1 pound fresh, raw Shrimp, cleaned, shelled, and de-veined
sliced green onion and chopped fresh parsley
DIRECTIONS:
Heat oil over medium heat and sauté vegetables until tender,
about 4-5 minutes. Add cloves. Cook one minute more. Sprinkle
vegetables with creole seasoning and cayenne pepper. Stir
mixture thoroughly. Add diced tomatoes and white wine, water,
tomato juice, or tomato sauce. Add bay leaf. Bring mixture to
a boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer 10 minutes. Add
shrimp. Simmer, covered, 4-5 minutes or until shrimp is opaque.
Remove bay leaf and discard. Check seasoning and add salt and
pepper and additional spice to taste. (Some Louisiana cooks
swear by adding a pinch of sugar and a dash of hot sauce at the
end of the dish.)
To serve: Spoon Dirty Rice into low bowl or plate and top with
Shrimp Creole. Sprinkle chopped green onion and parsley over top
and serve. Don't forget a bottle of hot sauce for the table!
Yield: 4 dinner servings.
v
v v v v
Click here: Windows Desktop Search
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/2sGU
Windows Desktop Search (WDS) is the free desktop search application created
by Microsoft. Once installed,
WDS builds an index of the files on your computer. Building the index can take
several hours, but once the index
is built, you will get nearly instant results when you search for a file. WDS
is much faster than the search capabilities
that were built into Windows XP, and the search results are more accurate.
v
v v v v
TopFive's
News Headlines
* Shaven-Head Britney's Drapes Finally Match Carpet
* Zombie Anna Nicole Smith Yet to Acquire Taste for Brains
* Barry Bonds Reports to Training Camp After Stomping Tokyo
* Seven Hospitalized in Elevator Kim Chee Burp
* Six More Weeks of Bad Weather as Donald Trump's Hair See Shadow
* Fired Weatherman Blames Huge Snowstorms for On-Air Erection
v v v v v
v v v v v
A
blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him,"
if you're blind, why do you want to fly?"
And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience.
So off through the skies they went!
The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt around and
found the mike and keyed up and
said, "Help, help, I'm a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the
pilot has
Passed out!"
A voice came over the speaker that said, "if you are a blind man, how do you
know you're upside down?"
The man said, "because shit is running out of my collar!!!!"
v v v v v
My friend Nancy had borrowed an outfit from her sister, Barbara, for a special
occasion. Barbara had dropped off not just the dress but also matching
accessories. The clip-on earrings were uncomfortable, but matched the dress
and shoes so perfectly that Nancy endured the discomfort. When they met at the
church, Barbara glanced at the dress and whispered, "The dress looks nice."
She looked down at the shoes and said, "But why didn't you wear the shoe
clips..." she paused as she looked up, "...that you have on your ears?"
v v v v v
Click
here: Sundance puts cell phones in the spotlight | CNET News.com
http://news.com.com/Sundance+puts+cell+phones+in+the+spotlight/2100-1026_3-6133757.html
The six participating filmmakers, who will create 3- to 5-minute films, have
all screened films at the institute's
Sundance
Film Festival. They include Nathan Dayton and Valerie Faris, creators of
Little Miss Sunshine, and Maria
Maggenti, creator of Puccini for Beginners. The shorts will debut at
the 3GSM World Congress
trade show in Barcelona, Spain, in February.
v
v v v v
Our very large German shepherd was an excellent watchdog, devoted to our four
teenagers, but suspicious of strangers. One afternoon I had to leave the house
just before the kids got home from school. I tied the dog up in the backyard,
locked the house and had no qualms about leaving a note on the front door
telling the children where to find the house key: tied to the dog's collar.
v v v v v
New York City police are looking for a man who mugged an 85-year-old and a 101-year-old
woman.
Usually the only thugs who attack and rob the elderly are the people who work
for Medicare.
v v v v v
The
Top 8 Things You're Better Off *Not* Knowing About
Your College Kid's Spring Break
8> When the footage will air on MTV.
7> Why they didn't pack underwear.
6> What, precisely, the penicillin was for.
5> The exact location of the newest piercings.
4> Whether or not the rabbit died.
3> Why it lasted a solid month.
2> The exact wording of Jamaican Penal Code charge L295.32(d),
subsection 32.
and the Number
1 Thing You're
Better Off *Not* Knowing
About Your
College Kid's
Spring Break...
1> Why the donkey was drunk and how he ended up in handcuffs with
peanut butter in his mane.
v v v v v
Gauging
Danger in Hotel Room Key Cards
Although Dan Schlossberg’s Consumer Reports story Plastic
Hotel Keys Can Be a Security Risk raises alarm about
the information contained on hotel room key cards, the Chicago Tribune reported
earlier this year that travelers have less to
worry about than they think. In most cases, it seems, hotels do not put guests’
credit card information, home addresses and
other personal details on room key cards. Instead, the cards contain basic information
like
room number, scheduled check-out date and an unlock code.
If you read Schlossberg’s story, you could come away from it believing that
every hotel stay is putting you in danger of identity theft.
I tend to put more stock in the Chicago Tribune’s take on the matter. Logically,
for someone to read your hotel key card, they’d have
to own a card reader just like the hotel’s. That’s a pretty unlikely scenario.
On top of that, many
hotel chains say they don’t store personal details on the cards.
Nor do I think travelers should fear hotel employees stealing information from
key cards and charging up big bucks
on credit cards any more than they’d fear employees of any other businesses
they patronize. Think about it. Room key
cards aside, hotel employees already have access to guest information. If a
hotel employee wants to steal you
r information, s/he doesn’t need to steal your hotel key card to get it. Going
through the company computer
seems like a much simpler way to find private information.
At the end of the day, travelers should trade worrying about identity theft
schemes like the one described in the above
Consumer Reports story for time spent carefully go over their credit card and
bank statements for erroneous charges
and making sure to get annual credit checks, which can alert you to identity
theft.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
I
JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...
...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.
v
v v v v
Children grow up so quickly.
All of a sudden you look at the phone bill and realize they're teenagers.
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
v v v v v
A 43-year-old German decided to settle his imminent divorce by
chainsawing a family home in two and making off with his half in
a forklift truck.
Police said the construction worker measured the single-storey
house before chainsawing through the wooden roof and walls.
"The man said he was just taking his half," said a police spokes-
man. "But I don't think his wife was too pleased."
After finishing the job, the man picked up his half with the
forklift truck and drove to his brother's house where he has since
been staying
v v v v v
I
had taught my third-grade students the day before how to change some verbs to
nouns
by adding the “er” ending, and they caught on quickly. “Something that mows
is a mower, someone
who teaches is a teacher,” I'd told them.
Then I handed out practice sheets to see how well they remembered the lesson.
Somehow I couldn't fault one student's response: “Something that washes clothes
is a... mother.”
v v v v v
Looking back, I think my walk down the dark path
stemmed from the day I announced to the junior-
high lunchroom that Wonder Bread was made from
baking Wonder Woman's yeast-infected underpants.
(Mark
D. Sabien)
"You know, no one gives a crap WHAT you think!
So from now on, next time you find yourself
forming a little opinion, why don't you
just shove it right up your ASS, you MORON!!"
I'm afraid that my job as a survey
taker was doomed from the outset.
(Damon
Milhem)
I think websites like matchmaker.com would be
more successful if they had yes/no check boxes
for pragmatic characteristics like "enjoys farting
loudly in public" and "sucks one mean-ass cock."
(Mark
D. Sabien)
v
v v v v
With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement
pills, you'd think by now someone would have
invented a pill that would shrink vaginas instead.
v
v v v v
"Tough weekend. Did you remember to change your clocks? You've lost
an hour. It's just like watching The View."
-Dave Letterman
v v v v v
Click here: Throw Paper!
http://www.widro.com/throwpaper.html
A little time-waster for you!
Click here: Miniclip Games - Play
Free Games
http://www.miniclip.com/games/en
There are a whole lot of games at this site!
Click here: http://laser.narr.as/laser.swf
http://laser.narr.as/laser.swf
Games -- see how good you are!
Click here:
Play Disorientation Game Online - Arcade Town .com
http://www.arcadetown.com/disorientation/gameonline.asp
Pretty cool game -- it gets way harder as you go along
v
v v v v
The Top 9 Rejected Pet Names for your Boyfriend or Girlfriend
9> Fleshmuffin
8> Drooly Fooly
7> Plague Monkey
6> Her sister's name
5> Quicky Dicky
4> Cupcankle
3> Hasbro Easy-Bake
2> Grandma
and the Number 1 Rejected Pet
Name
for your Boyfriend or Girlfriend...
1> Stubby
v
v v v v
"Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador, after
the ambassador was found drunk and naked in the yard of his
residence. Today, Israel announced that he's their new ambassador
to Ireland."
-Conan O'Brien
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the
South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser.
All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a
blinker-light message to the Aussies: "You are beautiful."
Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back:
"I'll bet you say that to all the ships."
v
v v v v
One day two drunks are sitting in a bar drinking. One drunk notices
a sign saying, "Lady in the back."
Being curious, they called the bartender over and asked what it
meant. The bartender says, "Well, there is a lady in the back that
will satisfy all your requests for only $20.00 and the answer to a riddle."
One of the drunks, thinking how cheap and easy it should be,
gives the bartender a twenty and heads for the back.
Laying on the bed is a beautiful and voluptuous red head. The
drunk says, "I paid my twenty so what is the riddle?"
The red head says, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would
you bring my pussy back to me?"
The drunk thinks for a minute and then answers, "I don't know. How'd
the damn cat get out there?"
The red head laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."
The drunk, pissed off and embarrassed, sits down by his buddy. The
buddy is anxiously waiting to hear what happened and asks, "Well,
how good was it?"
Feeling very embarrassed, the drunk answers, " I couldn't answer
this damn riddle about some f****** cat."
So the second drunk says, "Well, this I've got to try." He calls
the bartender over and throws him a twenty while heading for the
back room.
There lies the beautiful and voluptuous red head, all spread out
and smiling. She proceeds to say, "If my pussy was to sail out to
sea, how would you bring my pussy back to me?"
The second drunk answers, "Well, I don't know. Don't you think
the damn cat is dead by now?"
She laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."
Now the drunks are pissed, frustrated, and out forty dollars. While
complaining to the bartender, in walks this huge sailor with his
duffle bag. He walks up to the bartender, throws a twenty down
and says, "Where is the room?" The bartender stands back and just
points the way for the sailor.
The sailor opens the door and says, "Okay, let's hear it."
The voluptuous red head, with eyes open wide, sits up and says,
"If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy
back to me?"
The sailor, taking his duffle bag and throwing it on the floor says:
"Well, with this bag I'll make a boat,
And with my balls, I'll make it float.
With my dick, I'll make and oar,
And row your pussy back to shore."
v
v v v v
Click
here: Macworld: Mac 911: Disabling Dashboard and Expose
http://www.macworld.com/weblogs/mac911/2006/10/dashpose/index.php?lsrc=mcweek-1016
I cannot imagine living in a world without Exposé. Introduced
as part of Panther three years ago, Exposé lets
you sort through the clutter of open windows with just the touch of a button.
Want to see every window you
have open at once? Just press a key—F9 by default—and Exposé shrinks all those
windows so that they fit on your
screen, making it easier to find that e-mail or Web page you’re looking for.
Another key—F10 by default—brings every
window in the current application to the front while graying out the rest, while
a third key—F11—makes every
window disappear to the sides of your screen for a clear view of your desktop.
v
v v v v
In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the
traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key
bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The
bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as
the Car Strangled Spanner.
v
v v v v
Jesus' "water into wine" trick wasn't so miraculous -- my dog can turn
water into broad-spectrum herbicide.
v
v v v v
Click
here: Round-up: Tiny PCs big hit at CES - News - ZDNet
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=28974625-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
At CES 2007 in Las Vegas, ZDNet Executive Editor David Berlind rounds up the
ultra mobile PC (UMPC) category.
The miniature PCs are a popular theme at the show because they offer most of
the power
of a regular notebook or desktop in a very mall device.
At CES 2007, ZDNet Executive Editor David Berlind talks to Microsoft Corporate
Vice President, Chris Capossela
about the new features Office users can expect with the roll-out Office 2007--including
a new graphical interface that
replaces the traditional menu and toolbars seen in previous versions
Click here: ReputationDefender
http://www.reputationdefender.com/
REPUTATION
DEFENDER promises, for a fee, to give you "detailed and categorized" monthly
search reports
for stuff about you and your children on the Web. For an added fee, if you find
online content you don't like, Reputation
Defender carries out a "proprietary destroy process" to remove that unwanted
online content. They don't explain what
they do at http://www.reputationdefender.com/ , but then I guess that's
why they call it "proprietary."
v v v v v
*submittted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Why our country is in trouble????
WELL, HERE'S WHY!!!!
A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our
country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape town. I
started to Explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
then she interrupted me with,"I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but
Cape town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid,
I
calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa.
Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I
looked on the
map and Florida is a very thin state!"
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a
1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
between gates to save time."
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago
at 8:33 am.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),
and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT
-
Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be
cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which
he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but
none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said,
Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told
him
this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have
accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to
go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally,
I
said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights
do
you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map
of the
state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
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*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: ~ Hey There Lonely
Girl ~
http://www.blueyze.us/lonelygirl.html
Click
here: ThirdAge - eHarmony Online Dating Personals
http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/thirdage?cmd=thirdage&cid=1235&aid=4110
eHarmony matches singles for deep compatibility, taking into account 29 dimensions
essential for a happy, healthy relationship.
Come take the next step toward a new, loving relationship.
Click
here: First Dates & Casual Dating
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/8&sdn=dating&cdn=people&tm=21&gps=72_498_1193_850&f=00&tt=
14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//dating.about.com/od/firstdatescasualdating/New_Relationships.htm
You have met someone new and agreed to a first date, now what? Learn where to
go, what to do, and what to wear
on your first date. Read about first date etiquette and how to judge compatibility
and chemistry. Discover
the best ways to land second and third dates as well as when to get physical.
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The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours
calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave
knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the
phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline. I'm sorry, but
you've dialed the wrong number."
The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask to
speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong.... Oh!" (Click.)
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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True Delete
Erin
- worldstart.com
When
you go to delete a file from your computer, what do you do? Do you send it to
the Recycle Bin and then empty
that? Do you then leave your computer thinking that took care of it for you?
Don't feel bad if you do, because you're certainly not
the only one. Depending on the Recycle Bin to remove the data from your computer
"for good" is one popular misconception.
In
all actuality, when you delete a file from your computer, your system recognizes
that there is some open space, but
the file still lurks around on your hard drive. You see, your computer will
mark the space as "this space available," but
until Windows decides to reuse that space, the file is still in action. Along
with that, it's hard to tell when Windows will cover
up that space, so the information you wanted removed could linger around for
quite some time.
So,
I'm sure you're wondering what you can do to actually delete those files, right?
There are utility tools, called
shredders, that you can use to get the job done and there just so happens to
be several available on the Internet today.
There are various different kinds, depending on how much deleting you're going
to be doing, but they are all handy
in every situation. Some of the more popular shredders are ShredIt, Wipe &
Delete and File Shredder 2000.
Start shredding your files today and be rid of them forever!
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The
Top 8 Parental Explanations for Global Warming
8> " ... and that's why you should never pull Uncle Steve's finger."
7> "Ask your mother."
6> "The climate is trying to instill better eating habits by
melting ice cream cones in 4.3 seconds flat."
5> "The madder the Dad, the more the ice caps melt."
4> "The globe is having a hot-flash, just like Mommy."
3> "Is the world warmer? Let me put my hands on Asia and... ooh,
Africa looks flush! Get me my rectal thermometer, dear..."
2> "Global warming is just a crock. Now peel the dog off the
driveway and bring him inside."
and the Number 1 Parental Explanation for Global Warming...
1> "If it gets too warm, I'll just take Mommy into the bedroom:
That's sure to drop the temperature a few degrees."
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*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
The Democratic National Committee is currently polling Americans through the
internet to determine
the electability of Hillary Clinton for the presidency of the United States
in 2008.
If you would like to show your support for Hillary and encourage her to run
for President of the United
States in 2008 please add your name to the bottom of the list below and send
it on.
1.
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I'm feeling a little guilty.
Today was the first day of the rest of my life, and all I did was
drink Old Milwaukee and watch the Cartoon Network.
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The Top 9 Little-Known Web Sites
9> googol.com - search engine that tells you *exactly* how much
10 the 100th power is
8> AmACon.com - social networking for the previously incarcerated
7> SauceForge.net - largest repository of Open Sauce recipes on
the Internet
6> yaho.com - support group for prostitutes
5> leocities.com - free web hosting for people born between July 24 and August
23
4> MySpays.com - share blogs, photos of your neutered pets
3> YoTube - all videos of Sylvester Stallone, all day, every day
2> eLay.com - highest bidder wins the prostitute
and the Number 1 Little-Known Web Site...
1> overstalk.com - when following somebody in person just isn't good enough
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Click here: Friendship's
Door
http://weeinspirations.com/friendshipsdoor.html
Click here: Special People
http://www.angel9oh7.com/specialpeople.html
Click here: Far Away
Friend
http://www.justsaywow.com/newfun3/faraway.html
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Spells
That Really Work!
Spell to Get Measles
1. Find someone who has measles.
2. Lick them.
Spell to Turn Day Into Night
1) Stand facing a large tree or wall.
2) Close eyes tightly.
3) Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.
Spell to Breathe Under-Water
1) Attach concrete block to your feet.
2) Jump into water.
3) Breathe normally and sing the tune to "Flipper".
4) Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.
Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants
1) Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
2) Drink.
3) Repeat steps 1-3.
Spell to Attract Lightning
1) Cover yourself in metal: jewellery, chains, golf clubs,
nails, nuts and bolts, hub-caps, etc.
2) Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.
3) Wait.
Spell to Stop a Runny Nose
1. Get two cotton balls.
2. Shove one up each nostril.
3. Tape them there.
Spell to Make a Person fall in Love with You
1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e.-roses without petals,
a nice headless Barbie doll...)
4. Follow them everywhere they go--careful, they'll try to lose you!
5. Don't worry if they get that silly restraining order, that
means the spell is working!
Spell to Make Your Computer Fast
1. Open Window.
2. Throw Computer out window. (If the computer hits ground
really fast, the spell worked.)
Spell to Save on Gas
1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really fast.
4. Scream "Yabba Dabba Do!"
Optional: Invite passengers to join in the fun!
A Spell to Go to the Bathroom
1) Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
2) Drink another glass anyway.
3) Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of Pepsi.
4) Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell's effect.
Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom
1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of Exlax.
3. Wait. Stay close to the bathroom!
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A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going
down causes quite an inconvenience.
Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made
a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out
with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do
mouse-to-mouse?"
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*submitted by*
WaltWiso
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards
were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000
bill out
of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out
of the
window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of
the
window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such
big-shots back there.
I could throw all of them out of the window and make156 million people very
happy."
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*submitted
by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: Schmap - Dynamic Travel Guides
http://www.schmap.com/
The Schmap Player is a small and easy-to-use piece of freeware. Install it on
your Windows PC, select
from our growing range of interactive Schmap Guides and then...
get Schmapping!
Dynamically explore a city, island or region - Play
virtual tours of recommended hot spots
Find restaurants, bars etc. to suit your taste
- Bookmark as you browse to plan your trip
Custom print your own destination guides -
Enjoy many more unique Schmap
features
Click here: Xanadu Tools
http://www.xanadutools.com/
Easy To-Do is a free utility to help you manage your To-Do
lists. The older I get, the more things I seem to forget,
as best as I can remember. Easy To-Do will help you remember
all those important little tasks you have to do at home and in the office.
Here are just a few of its features:
- categorize tasks (Home, Work, etc.)
- assign a task to a person or group
- create customized reports
- filter tasks for easy viewing
- create recurring tasks, use it for a birthday reminder, etc.
- set reminders as sounds or speech
- add notes or comments to a task
- completed tasks can be archived and more.
Click here: AM-DeadLink - Download
FavIcons and detect dead links in your browser bookmarks
http://aignes.com/deadlink.htm
Bookmarks (or Favorites) are one of the best features of Web browsers. They
make it a snap to return to a favorite site on the Internet.
Unfortunately, the Web is always changing. A site you visited yesterday may
not be there tomorrow.
So it's easy to end up with a list of dead sites. Or, you might also end up
with duplicate sites.
I like to keep my Bookmarks well organized. I use AM-DeadLink to weed out dead
links and duplicate sites. It works with Internet Explorer, Firefox and Opera.
I'm sure your Bookmarks list is filled with sites from my newsletters. So download
AM-DeadLink and get them organized!
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GOLDEN RAISIN SODA BREAD
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
4 cups white, all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cream of tartar
1 tablespoon sugar
2/3 cup golden raisins
1 1/4 cups buttermilk
DIRECTIONS:
Sift flour, salt, baking soda and cream of tartar into a
mixing bowl. Stir in sugar and golden raisins then add
buttermilk, mixing to form a firm, but not too stiff
dough. Knead lightly on a floured surface and form into a
slightly flattened round. With a large knife Cut a deep cross
about 1/2 of the way down to form 4 equal sections in the loaf.
Brush the top lightly with milk. Place on a greased lightly
floured cookie sheet and bake in the center of the oven at 400
degrees for 25 minutes. Turn the load upside down and return
to the oven for a further 5 minutes. The loaf is done when it
sounds hollow when tapped on the base. Wrap in a damp cloth
and place on its side to cool. Cut into quarters, slice and
butter generously.
Category: Breads
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at The Pearly
Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Changing
The Oil
You
need to change the oil regularly. Most of us men grew up believing you
need to change the oil in a car every
3,000 miles. Consumer Reports says every 6,000 miles is plenty. That means
that if you're not a high mileage driver,
you can take your car in and get the oil changed whenever you set your
clocks forward or backward for daylight savings time.
When you're doing it before cold weather, get them to check the antifreeze
level at the same time. While they're
checking, go buy _smoke alarm_ (http://www.divorceinfo.com/guystuff.htm#SmokeAlarms)
batteries.
And while you're at it, get the tires rotated. Don't ask what tire goes
where, because I don't know. But those greasy
guys with loud pneumatic wrenches do know, and that's all that matters.
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The
Top 16 Rodeo Pick-Up Lines
16> "Ain't no rodeo clown in the world that could keep me off *you*, Darlin'."
15> "Here's my number, call me if you need a few bucks."
14> "Run if ya want, Missy, but I'll have you hog-tied quicker
than you can say 'stay away from me you Skoal-chewin' freak.'"
13> "Pardon me, Ma'am -- you and your friend there interested in a little
team ropin'?"
12> "I can see by your Wranglers that you're a Jewish man...."
11> "Er, yeah... I *am* in the Village People."
10> "How'd you like to put a pinch of *me* between your cheek and gum?"
9> "Them calves of yours sure look like they could use a bit of ropin'."
8> "Got 8 seconds?"
7> "Ropes, spurs, leather gloves -- Honey, even I weren't
no cowboy, we're talking a good time!"
6> "I'll be in Intensive Care later. Why don't you drop by?"
5> "You sure make me wish I hadn't crapped my pants when that bull charged."
4> "Honey, I *need* a belt buckle this large to keep from
gettin' arrested in Mississippi."
3> "Is that a pelvis broken in three places, or are you
just happy to see me?"
2> "Mooooooooo."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rodeo Pick-Up Line...
1> "That's right, I said 'AND the horse you rode in on.'"
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*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
"I have never been able to find out just what feminism is. I only know that
people call me a feminist
whenever I express sentiments that make me look different than a doormat"
Elizabeth Taylor
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The
Top 8 Things Overheard at the Playboy Mansion
(Part
I)
8> "Hey, you kids!!! Put on your clothes and get off my damn
lawn before I call your parents!"
7> "When you see white smoke rising from the chimney, it means
the council has selected the next Playmate of the Month."
6> "How thoughtful! Disposable kneepads in every room."
5> "Boy is my junk sore... from bumping into doors with this
three-day-old erection!"
4> "The 'something blue' at Hef's wedding will be his tub of
Viagra. He's registered at Pfizer, you know."
3> "Aww shit. My left boob deflated again."
2> "Hef, there's a Mr. B. L. Zebub at the door, saying he has a
debt to collect."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Playboy Mansion...
1> "Ah, Mr. White! We've been expecting you and your entourage
of TopFive contributors and readers. You can begin by
cleaning the toilets and unclogging the hair from the
shower drains."
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*submitted by*
WaltWiso
A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing
in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the
little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little
girl notices, and squeals with laughter.
'How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she ask.
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion,
the sides of the sandbox fly off,
all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against
a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back
to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold,
flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,
"Just what I thought, dual exhaust."
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Click here: Larry Dewese is MR1MANBAND
http://www.mr1manband.com/
Dewese has been entertaining Nashville Audiences since 1979, performing
a variety of music and, in later years, organized
his own unique "one-man band." Larry has incorporated each experience in the
successful creation of this automated "single"
act. Synthesized horns, pianos, bass, strings, drums and percussion instruments
accompany the endless array of musical
and vocal styles. Coupled with the intimacy of acoustic guitar and lilting voice,
this automated act
is unique to the "single-entertainment" category.
Click here: About R&B - The
Worst of 2006
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BIa
The year 2006 is quickly drawing to a close, but before the year two-007 kicks
in, lets take a look back, recognize
and ridicule some of the garbage that stank up the year in music. There wasn't
a whole lot that was really bad, but
what was bad was really, really bad. And on that note, here's your Guide to
R&B's picks for the worst female artist,
male artist, group, single, album, new artist and comeback artist of 2006.
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*submitted by*
pole5522@innernet.net
Why did Polish girls stop wearing wool skirts ?
Because the fellows keep pulling the wool over their eyes.
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*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing
up and down. The mom
sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top
of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87*
Click here: Can you tell
the difference between a Female and a Shemale?
http://joeschwartz.net/shemale/index.html
Female --- or SHEMALE?
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: ...:::
foolish games :::...
http://www.foxy-productions.com/FoolishGames.html
Click here: The Petting Zoo's
Stick Figure Hardcore Porn page!
http://www.petting-zoo.org/Hardcore.html
Some of these are hilarious!!
Click
here: SI.com - 2007 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Photo Gallery - Bodypainting
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/features/2007_swimsuit/painting/?eref=FromAOLSwim07
Well they sure look like clothes!
Click here: Stupid Videos | Funny
Videos | Sexy Videos -
http://www.videoboob.com/156657.html
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
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©1999
- 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
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