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to
Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
Hi!
So sorry about the missing issue week before last -- my wonderful webmaster
was on a trip and I couldn't get
that issue finalized in time --- sooooo that's what happened! I hope you
enjoyed the
last one and what do you know ----- here's another one!! hehe
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
Email
"You sure seem to have your share of problems. Would you please sign me up for
your newsletter again?
I thought you just didn't like me anymore, because I didn't receive a new copy.
I really enjoy your letter and look forward to it each week"
FCUEBALL13
v v v v v
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and
you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
v v v v v
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
v v v v v
Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v
v v v v
NEW
Definitions!
trim·spa·ter·ni·ty test \ n : Scientific method for determining
the biological father of a child reared exclusively on dietary supplements.
Snoopid [snoo.pid] \ adj: 1. A person who chooses to hide drugs in his
glove compartment after repeated arrests for drug possession.
Indigni-tard [in.dig.ni.tard] \ n: 1. Someone who uses her exploitve
talk show to declare the moral high ground over another exploitive talk
show.
Miss User [miss us.er] \ n: 1. Disgraced beauty pageant contestant whose
alcohol and drug abuse supersedes her ability to arouse Donald Trump.
K-Force-Fed [k.force.fed] \ tr. v: 1. To financially compel a K-list
celbrity to eat humble pie.
Homophobohab [ho.mo.pho.ba.hab] \ n: 1. TV-Network-sanctioned behavior
rehab program for angry African-American men.
iBlowforPhone [i.blow.for.phone] \ n: 1. Uncontrollable lust for the
new iPhone.
Howsered [how.ser.ed] \ v: 1. Being forced out of the closet by the
media.
Buh-Biden [buh.bi.den] \ n: 1. A clean, decisive and near-simultaneous
declaration of
Presidential candidacy and political self-immolation.
v v v v v
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets
up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant observes this and asks to see her ticket. She then
tells the blonde passenger that she paid for the Economy section and
that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne, and I'm staying right here!?
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes
back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for
Economy Class she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have
to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
,
and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to
a blonde, and I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm
sorry I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, "I told her that First Class isn't going to Melbourne
v v v v v
XP hides some system software you might want to remove, such as Windows Messenger,
but you
can make it show everything. Using Notepad or Edit, edit the text file /windows/inf/sysoc.inf,
search for the
word ‘hide’ and remove it. You can then go to the Add or Remove Programs in
the Control Panel, select
Add/Remove Windows Components and there will be the software and you can now
uninstall it.
Click
here: » Screen Gallery: When is a firewall not a firewall? When it’s Vista’s
built-in firewall | Berlind’s Testbed | ZDN
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=28974558-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Whereas one job of a personal firewall is to block potentially malicious inbound
connections to your machine, another is
to block potentially malicious outbound connections. For example, if some malware
does find its way onto your system
and then it attempts to "phone home" with whatever sensitive data it may have
found, a good personal firewall should stop
most outbound communications dead in their tracks until the end-user explicitly
allows it (one problem with such
conditional blocking is that end-users are rarely presented with enough information
on
which to base a decision). Add your opinion if you like
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
WaltWiso
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just
lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
" Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in
the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage,
ees a bacon tree".
And with that ...Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe
following closely behind, when all
of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is
clear he is mortally wounded but.
True friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis Luis MI amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
v v v v v
The Top 14 Signs Cupid Has Lousy Aim
14> One minute, you're scoping out the new office babe.
The next, you wake up in the ICU with a punctured left lung.
13> Your bordering-on-psychotic obsession with the middle Hanson brother.
12> You find yourself ignoring calls from Heidi Klum because
there's an Ethel Merman retrospective on television.
11> As big as my ass is, and not a single arrow? C'mon!
10> How could he hit Lisa Marie dead-on, but completely
overshoot an already lovestruck Emmanuel Lewis?
9> "Do you, Gilbert Gottfried, take this woman, Fran Drescher,
to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
8> Not only did your first date in months refuse to stay the
night, but your blow-up doll is now punctured beyond repair.
7> O.J. Simpson cuts your throat and/or Amy Fisher shoots you
in the head.
6> Just ask Julia Roberts and Mel Gibson. Oops! Better make
that Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.
5> Little known Cupid trivia: arrow in the butt, love at first
sight; arrow in the knee, Microsoft shares go up two points.
4> You wake up from a moment of delirium to find yourself kissing
the hula girl tattoo on the bicep of the bar's bouncer.
3> A lovestruck, toothless circus roustabout named Brad Pits
appears on your doorstep.
2> You: a beautiful 21-year-old coed
The object of your sudden desire: a monkey named Zimby
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Cupid Has Lousy Aim...
1> That double cheeseburger is looking so good right now, you
find yourself wishing you had some Russian dressing -- and
a little privacy.
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v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect
said, "Let me see if I've got this right:
"You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their
disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits,
censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
.
"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal
pride.
"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship
and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for
a job.
"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial
behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
"You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their
handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone,
newsletter, and report card.
"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin
board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for
food stamps.
"You want me to do all this and then you tell me...
"I CAN'T PRAY?"
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*submitted by*
WMBAAS
Two
Great Cell Phone Tips
Have you ever wondered why phone companies don't seem interested in
trying to prevent the theft of mobile phones? If you have ever lost, or
had one stolen, and if you are on a plan, you still have to pay the plan
approximately up to 24 months, and you have to buy another handset and
enter into another contract. This is more revenue for the phone company.
There is a simple way of making lost or stolen mobiles useless to thieves
and the phone companies know about it, but keep it quiet.
To check your mobile phone's serial number, key in the following on your
phone: star-hash-zero-six-hash ( * # 0 6 # ) and a 15 digit code will
appear
on the screen This is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it safe.
Should your mobile phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider
and
give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset, so even if
the thief changes the sim card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that
whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody did this, there
would be no point in stealing mobile phones.
You may want to send this to as many people with mobiles as possible.
No charge for directory assistance
Phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 - information calls
when they don't have to.
When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial
1-800-FREE-411 or 1 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge.
This is information people don't mind receiving -
Pass it on. Works on home phones and cell phones.
v
v v v v
One
of NASA's astronauts was recently arrested for
an alleged attempted love-triangle murder gone awry.
Her erratic behavior included the wearing of adult
diapers while driving from Texas to Florida so
she wouldn't have to stop to use the restroom.
The
Top 16 Signs an Astronaut Has Gone Nuts
16> Aborts the shuttle launch because she doesn't have an aisle seat.
15> Keeps asking when they're going to train him to moonwalk.
14> Changes his last name from Aldrin to Lightyear.
13> Dangles his blanketed infant son out the shuttle window.
12> Carries a tube of K-Y in case the aliens try a second anal probe.
11> "Houston, we have a cheating, lying whore-bitch who is about
to get her eyes clawed out if she doesn't keep her filthy
spacewalk gloves off my man."
10> Uses the shuttle to buzz his ex-girlfriend's house.
9> Wears diapers so he won't miss a minute of the "I Dream of
Jeannie" marathon.
8> Claims to be the first man to set foot on Reverend Sun Myung
Moon.
7> "Okay, now this time I'll be Dave and you be HAL. See if
I can get back in!"
6> Uses the robotic arm to squeegee the shuttle windshield,
then hits fellow astronauts up for loose change.
5> Fills his air tanks with "Tangaritas."
4> Dies on his spacewalk one second after saying, "Hey, watch
this! I'm gonna write my name on Russia!"
3> "Whitney Houston, I have a problem: I love you!"
2> Every time the shuttle passes over western Europe, he contacts
Mission Control and screams, "I see London! I see France!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign an Astronaut Has Gone Nuts...
1> Had unprotected sex with Paris Hilton.
v
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v v v v v
*submitted by*
joeboy118@yahoo.com
A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his
assistant, "Ya Ole, I am going hunting
tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care
of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was
your day?"
Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache,
so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what about the third one?"
asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like
a flame. She undresses herself, taking
off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and
shouts:
HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"I put eye drops in her eyes."
v
v v v v
Discovering
Tucson
If you think Tucson's streets seem darker than those in most
other cities, you're not imagining it. The many astronomical
observatories in and around town -- more in a 50-mile radius than
anywhere else in the world -- have inspired ordinances to help
prevent light pollution. For example, lights have to be aimed
downward, rather than up beyond the horizon, and athletic fields
have to call lights-out by 10:30 p.m.
Come winter, tourists, UA students, and retirees all converge on
Tucson's roads, which make for some interesting traffic
interactions. Other quirks to watch out for:
* The left-turn arrow appears at the end of the green light, not
the beginning.
* To find north, look for the Santa Catalina Mountains, the largest
and most looming of the ranges that
surround the city. You can see them from almost everywhere
in central Tucson. Of course, you're out of
luck at night, but the dim city lights make it possible
to navigate by the constellations.
* No matter how ludicrous the "Do Not Enter When Flooded" signs
look most of the year, when it
rains, it pours. Take those signs seriously. Every year,
at least one person who ignored them makes the
local news -- as a drowning victim.
Lose yourself in Arizona's natural beauty with Arizona For
Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764569384.
html?cid=etipBookLink ], by Edie Jarolim.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Brokeback
Mountain Lady
A
successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was
doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said “You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him
She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she
said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said:
“If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
v v v v v
Ok, here's the plan:
· Back off and let those men who want to marry men,
marry men.
· Allow those women who want to marry women, marry
women.
· Allow those folks who want to abort their babies,
abort their babies.
· In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!
Damn, I love it when a plan comes together!
v v v v v
Remember: People who live in glass houses
can see you masturbating in their bushes.
(Dan
Johnson)
I think movie titles should at least hint
at what the movie's about. "Like Water for
Chocolate" -- what the heck is that? "Like
Corn for Crap" -- now THAT I would understand.
(Ted
Minamow)
I already knew that discretion is the better
part of valor, but it turns out it also factors
into trying to get away with ripping a huge
Taco Bell fart in after-lunch meetings.
(Brad
Wilkerson)
Never masturbate faster than
your guardian angel can fly.
(Mike
MacDonald)
All this talk of spanking the monkey, freaky
monkey sex and hot monkey love has me feeling
frustrated and extremely horny. Am I missing
something here? Like a monkey, maybe?
(Stephanie
S. Thompson)
Puberty is the time when a boy changes -- mostly
changing from locking himself in the bathroom
and masturbating to National Geographic to
locking himself in the bathroom and masturbating
to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
(Randy
Lee and Tristan Fabriani)
v
v v v v
The
Top 10 Kitty Horror Movies
10> Cheetah Cheetah Bang Bang
9> Don't Tell Mom the Can Opener's Dead
8> Soap and Water World
7> I Cough Up Hairballs on Your Grave
6> The Texas De-Claw Massacre
5> Eight-Lived Freaks
4> Litterboxing Helena
3> The Silence of the Iams
2> I Taw What You Did Lat Tummer!
and the Number 1 Kitty Horror Movie...
1> The Day the Yarn Stood Still
v v v v v
Click here: Starting Applications
Automatically at Login
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/2rJW
The Startup Items feature in OS X (10.3 Panther and later) allows you to automatically
launch
specific applications when you log in. Steps to follow are located at
this site
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
DeVulcano
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.
Dr. Smith advised her, "Every
day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want
bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific
D-cup boobs! One morning she was running
late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,
she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus
Closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr.Smith's?"
"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
v v v v v
While teaching the names of the planets, the kids really like Pluto because
it reminded them of the cartoon dog.
So when I was reviewing the unit with them the following day, I used that as
a hint. "Remember, this
one has the same name as a cartoon dog."
One girl blurted out: "Snoopy!"
v v v v v
Click here: Best Computer
Games - PC Game Downloads: Arcade Puzzle
Strategy Board Cards Gambling - GameYard.com
http://gameyard.com/?r=ml20061018&69608
A gaming site you might enjoy!
Click here: Welcome to the Globulos multiplayer
flash online game where the fun never stops
http://www.globulos.com/
This is a multiplayer game where you can play
various games - they have tournaments too
Click here: blufr.com: Harry Houdini's brother
performed the same exact escape routines u...
http://www.blufr.com/
Anderson Cooper is Gloria Vanderbilt's son? I had no idea! This
is a cool trivia type site -- it's got
some interesting tid bits of knowledge. Can you tell which are true and
which are false?
v
v v v v
A fellow took his younger brother to the golf course with his pals. The younger
boy thought he'd play
his first game. He watched all the older boys tee off, and then stepped up to
hit the ball.
"ONE!" he yelled, as he swung at the ball.
His brother rolled his eyes and said, "Why didn't you yell 'Fore' like the rest
of us?"
The boy said, "You aim at whichever hole you want, I'm trying to hit the first
one."
v v v v v
I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam.
They were all trick questions
v v v v v
*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click
here: A Tribute to our Flag
http://home.comcast.net/~nw-fla/tribute_flag_B_thompson.htm
Click here: How to Support the
Troops
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BHC
Unfortunately, writing letters to "any servicemember" is no longer possible.
In October of 2001, the Anthrax-infected
letter threat resulted in the termination of two programs which have been used
to increase the
morale of deployed servicemembers for more than 17 years.
The Department of Defense has officially asked the American Public not to send
unsolicited mail, care packages or
donations to service members forward deployed unless you are a family member,
loved one or personal friend. This
includes a plea not to use any of the services provided by well-intentioned
individuals and organizations which result in
postal mail being sent to any military servicemember, if you do not personally
know that servicemember.
Supports
You Web site where you can send email greetings, or a virtual greeting
card to deployed servicemembers.
Operation USO Care Package.
You can buy a "care package," which will be delivered to a deployed servicemember
with a personal note from you. These care packages are purchased and delivered
by the USO (United Service
Organization) with permission and support from the Department of Defense. Send
a PX/BX Gift Certificate to a
wounded servicemember. Anyone can purchase a gift certificate from the Army
& Air Force Exchange Service (AAFES), and
ask that it be donated to the Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in Germany.
This is the medical facility where all
servicemembers wounded in the Gulf or Afghanistan are treated before they are
transported back to the states.
The certificates donated will be redeemed for toiletries, sweats, undergarments,
socks, pre-paid calling cards
and other items of convenience or necessity for our wounded heros.
v
v v v v
We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large
thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.
10% of those men surveyed prefered women with large thighs.
10% of the men prefered women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% prefered what's in-between.
v
v v v v
A small aircraft crash lands in the middle of the desert and the pilot
and copilot wandered around for days and days with nothing to eat.
Finally the co-pilot announced:
"I'm so hungry, I'm going to chop off my dick and eat it."
"NO, no, don't do that," the pilot urged.
"Just think of your girlfriend."
"What's the point?" the other man said.
"At this rate I will never see her again anyway."
"I don't mean it like that," the pilot replied.
"It's just that if you think of her first, hopefully there will be
enough for the both of us."
v v v v v
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.
She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
v
v v v v
Click here:
Beaded Medical ID Bracelets
http://www.n-styleid.com/beaded_medical_id_bracelet.htm
Very nice medical ID bracelets! You can match them to your outfits now!
Cool!
Click here: Medical ID Alert Wallet
Card - Absolutely Free - MedIds.com ICE In Case of Emergency
http://www.medids.com/free-id.php
Free! Medical ID alert wallet cards
Click
here: HCO Special Edition Newsletter
http://heart.healthcentersonline.com/newsletter/ads/special_ed_101706.html
This year, children and adults will each miss roughly 14 million school and
work days due to asthma, according
to the American Lung Association. And this number may be increasing as more
people are diagnosed with asthma.
Because people spend the majority of their time at home, researchers say reducing
allergens and other triggers in
the house is critical to prevent asthma attacks. A 2005 government study of
inner-city children with moderate to severe
asthma noted that home-based cleaning and environmental intervention resulted
in
significant improvement in the health status of the children.
v
v v v v
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
v
v v v v
"I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I
figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one."
v
v v v v
Paying
Attention to Kitty's Urologic Symptoms
Kidney disease appears mostly in older cats but is possible at
any age. Initially you may notice changes in urination or
drinking (more and more often), but as the disease progresses,
you may see weight loss and more-severe evidence of a buildup of
toxins in your cat's body such as vomiting.
Be concerned if your cat is urinating and drinking excessively.
These symptoms can mean any number of problems. Observant owners
may also note reduced appetite, more frequent vomiting, less
grooming, and weight loss -- but these symptoms are usually
later-stage results of kidney failure.
Some veterinary researchers have proposed that chronic kidney
problems are caused by bacteria entering the blood of cats whose
gums are badly infected. Although the impact of an infected mouth
is still under debate, research does suggest the importance of
preventive dental care for your pet.
Bolster your pet caretaking know-how with Cats For Dummies, 2nd
Edition [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764552759.html?cid=etipBookLink
],
by Gina Spadafori and Paul Pion, DVM, DACVIM.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
joeboy118@earthlink.net
When you have a "I hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work,
stop at your pharmacy and go
to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson
& Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the
package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped
or broken. Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small
print there is a statement,
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not
work
in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
v
v v v v
Wife: Look at the old clothes I have to wear. If anyone came to visit,
they would think I was the cook!
Husband: Well, they'd change their mind if they stayed for dinner!
v
v v v v
Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of
a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the
state's evidence was overwhelming.
As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness
stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny
penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen,"
the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe
that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be
capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny.
"One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
v v v v v
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
v v v v v
v v v v v
OLD but SO FUNNY
Terri, a blonde woman who had been unemployed for many months
finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so
her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a
paint brush.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must
stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines.
Terri agrees and starts right away. The Supervisor checked at the
end of day one and found that the blonde had completed 4 miles,
double the required average. The next day, however, he was very
disappointed to find that Terri only accomplished 2 miles.
The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want
to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day, Terri only
did 1 mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this
gets worse."
The boss called Terri in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the
second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile. Why?
Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure?
What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"
Terri replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away
from the paint bucket."
v v v v v
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.
v v v v v
If
you purchase a new bike for your child, place their picture
inside the handle bar before placing the grips on. if the bike
is
stolen and later recovered, remove the grip and there is your proof
who owns the bike.
Janet, Carthage, IL
Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add
an
empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacumn.
It
can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
Donna, Anderson, SC
Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not
have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that
cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and
-
voila - static is gone.
Pam, Maple Rapids, NH
Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it
with
hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next,
add
your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it
comes right out.
Kim, Goldsboro, NC
Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in
the
glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser!
Works better than a cloth!
Alicia, Tampa, FL
Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include
something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer
for
an hour or two. Voila! It unseals easily.
Mary, Lockhart, TX
Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper
than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also
a
great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like
when
you tried it in your hair...
Kerry, Canada,
Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2"
with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix
well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Barbra, Birch Run, MI
Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take
it
"home," & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week
or
so, esp. if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry
about
pets or small children being harmed!
Teresa, Mitchell, SD
Take baby powder to the beach
Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When you're
ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder
and the sand will slide right off your skin.
v
v v v v
A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your
husband to be present at the birth?"
She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm
unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy
bouncing baby, but the baby is black."
The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie
where the lead man was black."
The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair."
The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too."
The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes."
The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."
Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it
cries out.
The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was
gonna bark."
v v v v v
v v v v v
A
sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in several night
time exercises. Once, he was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh
from Jump School. He was quiet and looked a bit pale so the
sergeant struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?" he asked.
"No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied.
The sergeant asked, "What's the difference?"
The lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared, and have a
university education."
v v v v v
"Don't have sex, Man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you
have to start talking to them."
Steve Martin
v v v v v
Somebody once figured out that we have over 35 million
laws trying to enforce 10 Commandments.
v v v v v
Click
here: GARDENING : Diseases & Weeds : What Every Gardener Should Know About
Weeds and Invasives : DIY Network
http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/gr_diseases_weeds/article/0,2029,DIY_13843_4825690,00.html
Every spring, there's a nagging word that creeps into the back of every gardener's
mind, and that word is
weeds--a single and unpleasant syllable that brings with it thoughts
of stooping among the tomato vines
or behind the azalea bushes, until your back hurts, plucking hard-to-reach space
invaders while enduring summer
heat and buzzing insects. Making matters worse, it's possible that you've brought
"weeds" home from your
local nursery without even knowing it. Some plants sold as groundcover or ornamentals
can, in fact, become
unwelcome residents of your garden as they spread beyond your control. Vinca,
for instsance, is a common
groundcover that commonly outgrows its welcome in the backyard setting.Worst
of all, certain kinds of
weeds can go well beyond a simple nuisance to gardeners. Personifying, as some
do, that key phrase
"vigorous growth," some plant species, if allowed to grow unchecked, can cause
serious and even devastating environmental
problems. Kristine Hanson of DIY's The Dirt on Gardening talks with Robert
Norris, professor emeritus
of plant sciences at University of California Davis, about weeds and invasive
plants.
v
v v v v
I diet religiously;
I eat what I want and pray I don't
gain weight.
v v v v v
My first wife was so stupid that I had to tell her, "Honey, 'blow job'
is an expression. You have to suck on that thing. If you blow out
a
nut, it ain't gonna be no good for either one of us."
Jay Hickman
v v v v v
AUTOFORMAT
neatnetricks.com
AUTOFORMAT is a handy feature in Microsoft Word and WordPerfect. You type
in a URL or email
address and it automatically creates a huperlink. Sometimes, when that's
not what you want to do, it becomes
a nuisance. But you can easily disable the feature.
In Word, go to Format|AutoFormat|Options.
Under Replace, uncheck "Internet and network paths with hyperlinks" and OK.
If you are not currently working on a
document that you wish to remove the autoformat feature, clikck on Cancel.
In WordPerfect, the routine is
Tools|QuickConnect|Speedlinks and uncheck "Format words as hyperlinks when you
type them.
Of course, just reverse this process if you want the autoformat to resume.
v
v v v v
Three
Religious Truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
v v v v v
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she
couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed
through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and
through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched
the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,
"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
v v v v v
v v v v v
ORIENTAL
CHICKEN SALAD
INGREDIENTS:
(Oriental Dressing)
3 tablespoons honey
1 1/2 tablespoons rice winevinegar
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 teaspoon Grey Poupon Dijon mustard
1/8 teaspoon sesame oil
(Salad)
1 egg
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup corn flake crumbs
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 boneless, skinless chicken breast half
1 cup vegetable oil (for frying)
1/4 cup chopped romaine lettuce
1/4 cup red cabbage
1/4 cup green cabbage
1/2 carrot, julienned or shredded
1 green onion, chopped
1 tablespoon sliced almonds
1/3 cup chow mein noodles
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oil in deep fryer or deep pan over medium heat
<apx 350 degrees>. Blend together all ingredients for
dressing in a small bowl with an electric mixer, then
refrigerate. In a small, shallow bowl beat egg, add milk,
and mix well. In another bowl, combine flour with corn
flake crumbs, salt and pepper. Cut chicken breast into 4
or 5 long strips. Dip each strip of chicken first into
egg mixture then into the flour mixture, coating each
piece completely. Fry each chicken finger for 5 minutes
or until coating has darkened to brown. Prepare salad by
tossing the chopped romaine with the chopped cabbage and
carrots. Sprinkle sliced green onion on top of the lettuce.
Sprinkle almonds over the salad, then the chow mein noodles.
Cut the chicken into small bite-size chunks. Place the
chicken onto the salad forming a pile in the middle.
Serve with salad dressing on the side.
v v v v v
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thankfully, I still have my driver's license.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
Click here: http://rri.250free.com/item/Hallmark.jpg
http://rri.250free.com/item/Hallmark.jpg
Click here: Asking For
The Moon
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200412/030.htm
*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
Click
here: http://www.cafeoflifepikespeak.com/Videos/Licensed%20To%20Pill.swf
http://www.cafeoflifepikespeak.com/Videos/Licensed%20To%20Pill.swf
Funny -- and true!
v
v v v v
The
Top 16 Oscar Nominations We'd Like to See
16> Best Off-Screen Performance by a Certifiable Nutjob:
Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards
15> Best Serif Font in a Subtitled Film:
Garamond, from "Letters From Iwo Jima"
14> Best Show of Restraint in *Not* Making the Planned Sequel:
"Dukes of Hazzard II: Electric Boogaloo"
13> Beating-a-Dead-Horse Lifetime Achievement Award:
Sylvester Stallone
12> Outstanding Technical Merit for Casting a Wilson Brother
in a Role in Which the Audience Felt No Urge to Beat
the Talentless Bastard to Death With a Half-Empty Box
of Goobers by Reel Two: "Idiocracy"
11> Most Prominent Golden Globes: Pamela Anderson
10> Best Bitch:
Meryl Streep for "The Devil Wears Prada"
Judi Dench for "Notes on a Scandal" Tara Reid
9> Celebrity We'd Most Like to See Trip and Fall on
His/Her Ass on the Red Carpet:
162-way tie
8> Most Likely to Get That Damn Smirk Slapped Off His Face:
David Spade
7> Best Musical We Didn't Want to Nominate for Best Picture
'Cause "Chicago" Won in 2002 and Musical Bios Were
Recognized in "Ray" and "Walk the Line" and Enough
Already With the Songs:
"Dreamgirls"
6> Best Pitcher:
Nick Nolte's margaritas
5> Whatever Happened to and Who Gives a Crap:
Steven Seagal and Melanie Griffith
4> Best Name That Elicits Juvenile Giggling by Doubling
as a Reference to Genitalia:
Peter O'Toole
3> Best Supporting Supporter:
Roger Ebert's Girdle
2> Best PowerPoint Presentation Masquerading as a Movie:
"An Inconvenient Truth"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Oscar Nomination We'd Like to See...
1> Best Re-Write of a Previous Script:
Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush for "The
Surge"
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she
is a Chicago Bears fan. She asks her students to raise
their hands if they are Bears fans, too. Not really
knowing what a Bears fan was, but wanting to be liked
by their teacher, their hands flew into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Susie has not gone
along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has
decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Bears fan"
she reports.
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a Indianapolis Colts fan," boasts the little
girl. The teacher asks Susie why she is a Colts fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Colts fans, so I'm a Colts
fan, too" she responds.
"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your
mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would
you be then?"
Susie smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Bears fan."
v
v v v v
Men may wear the pants
but we women control the zipper
v v v v v
Click here: A Man Is
Not a Plan
http://rd.bcentral.com/?ID=4661836&s=53622189
Even the most successful marriages end, in either death or divorce. That is
why a man is not a plan,
even in the best of marriages. If you are married, each of you needs the skills
to eventually stand
on your own. That’s doubly true for women, who tend to live longer, earn less,
and save less for retirement
Click here: Women's Institute for
Financial Education
http://wife.org/suddenlysingle.htm
Some day, my Prince will come" goes the song. But what if he came – and went
-- and took half
of everything with him? That’s the dilemma of the woman on her own again. And
once bitten,
twice shy, she may not want to rush into a new marriage.
Most women can expect to spend at least a third of their adult lives on their
own. That
means they had better get savvy about saving and budgeting, and do it quick.
Click here: Reproductive Rights
From Birth Control to Abortion
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/2v4t
What you need to know about your reproductive rights
v
v v v v
The
Top 8 Rejected Iraq Exit Strategies
8> Send in Jack Bauer. All the insurgents will be dead by this time tomorrow.
7> Award Iraq to the father of Anna Nicole's baby.
6> Slide everyone out through an oil pipeline.
5> Annex Iraq to New Jersey; let Mafia handle troublemakers.
4> Call 2 out of 3, but this time on our home court.
3> Offer them Bush and Cheney in exchange for a dignified
withdrawal. If they don't agree, give them Bush and Cheney anyway.
2> Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out. They might actually be up for this.
and the Number 1 Rejected Iraq Exit Strategy...
1> Keep hanging people till they calm down.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But
now a few women have entered the field.
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female
doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today,
but this new procedure is a little different from what
you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your
right side, bend your knees, then while I check your
prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side
and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath
and say 99."
Again, the guy says,"99."
The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie
on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going
to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other
hand I am going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy slowly says, "One. . . two. . . three."
v v v v v
Click here: Grooming
Tips: The Men’s Grooming Handbook - eBooks
http://www.tradebit.com/filedetail.php/1265631
Click
here: Divorce from His Viewpoint
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=divorcesupport&cdn=people&tm=22&gps=55_1442_1193_1
004&f=00&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//divorcesupport.about.com/cs/forhusbands/a/aa121901.htm
Men and women may express their feelings differently with most women being more
open and most men keeping
their feelings hidden. Because a man doesn't say he is hurting doesn't mean
that his divorce isn't causing him
a great deal of pain. Several men on the forum have expressed that pain very
well. I've pulled
excerpts from various posts that I believe are important:
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Why
men shouldn't write to Dear Abby:
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could
be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a
lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends
from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks
down the drive.
Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round
the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was and she went berserk
and screamed that I
should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down
I just didn't want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage
and then hide behind it so I could
get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment,
crouching behind my Harley,
that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little
oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Karl
v
v v v v
The
Top 6 Worst War Novel Opening Sentences
6> Badda badda badda…sproing…sproing…sproing…pow, pow,
kapowpow…bryzzzzzzzt, bryzzzzzzt, broke a nail, dammit, pop,
pop, pop…zwooosh, zwooosh, zwooosh…Medic!! Medic!! Medic!!
5> Napalm, det-cord, C4…I had all the ingredients for crashing
the enemy's party, since they didn't have the decency to
invite me in the first place.
4> As Dirk Granite wiped the gore from his bayonet, he noticed
that his enemy's entrails glistened in the moonlight, just
like his grandma's Jello mold at Christmas, with bright-faced
children waiting for Santa, and singing carols to baby Jesus –
both of which meant nothing to this godless communist,
especially now.
3> The staccato beat of the bullets as they hit the dirt around
him reminded him of the rhythmic tattoo of ammo penetrating
the ground nearby.
2> Bodies were dropping around him in a way that Siskel, were he
still alive, would have loved, liking it to Peckinpah at his
peak, but Ebert would have loathed, finding it all 'done
before' especially with that universal ricochet 'spinggggggg'
whine that never happens in real life, at least life as
attested to by real soldiers, the kind Siskel and Ebert never were.
and the Number 1 Worst War Novel Opening Sentence...
1> Corporal Ace was good at infantry, and riflery, and sneakery –
all the things that make a soldier extra swell.
v
v v v v
Click here: How
to Fix a Bad Relationship - eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_116897_fix-relationship.html
Poor communication often derails the most important relationships in a person's
life. The ability to listen
is the best tool you can bring to any reconciliation efforts. This checklist
of other pointers can
help you patch things up with the parties indicated.
LIFE Couples
Retreats and Training
http://www.lifefamilytrainings.com/training/couples.php
In an atmosphere of love, discovery, and adventure we inspire and empower couples
to achieve excellence.
Click
here: Free Online Dating & Personal Ads
http://bluecollardates.com/?gclid=CLXBtYrQ_4gCFSJNPgodmEYP_w
Free online dating and personal ads
v
v v v v
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what
you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very
close to having a perfect golf swing.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
Hillary Clinton and her Driver were cruising along a country road
one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The
Driver tried to avoid it, but couldn't. The aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her Driver to go to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car, making phone calls to Lobbyists.
About an hour later, the Driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of
expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other
and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the Driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife
gave me the wine, and their two beautiful twin daughters made
mad, passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The Driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said,
I am Hillary Clinton's Driver, and I've just killed the old cow.
- The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
v
v v v v
Teacher: We get fur from the beaver, mink and muskrat.
Do we get fur from the skunk?
Eric: Yes, Ma'am, as fur as we can.
v
v v v v
Click
here: Disabling System Restore to remove viruses
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=antivirus&cdn=compute&tm=7&gps=71_9_1193_850&f=21
&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//antivirus.about.com/od/windowsbasics/a/systemrestore.htm
Windows ME and Windows XP both come with a feature known as System Restore that
enables users to revert to
specific restore points without impacting data files. When new drivers or software
are installed, the operating
system automatically creates a restore point. If the installation causes problems,
the system restore point can be
used to rollback the changes. If no driver or software installations occur,
System Restore will automatically create
a restore point daily. Unfortunately, System Restore backs up the bad with the
good, thus a problem occurs when
malware is present on the system and gets included in this restore point. When
users later scan their system with antivirus
software, they may receive a message that a virus was found in either the _RESTORE
(Windows ME) folder or the
System Volume Information folder (Windows XP) but the antivirus software is
unable to remove it.
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping
the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most
hypnotists who invite two or three
people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his
coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my familyfor six
generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting. "Watch the
watch, watch the watch,watch the watch ".
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming
off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the Hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT", said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center
v v v v v
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.
The hot selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
v v v v v
Yesterday, President Bush delivered his annual Kwanzaa message. The
president said let's remember that Kwanzaa only exists because a
guy named Kwan died for our sins.
Conan O'Brien
v
v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
M Dubya M
"I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years."
*
"I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
*
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
v
v v v v
Blonde 1: Which number are you waiting for?
Blonde 2: The number 3. And you?
Blonde 1: The number 5.
A couple of minutes go by and bus number 53 pulls up.
Blonde 2: Oh look, we can both take this one.
v v v v v
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog.
"It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost
me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: True
Friends
http://mysthillarium.com/anthology/true_friends.htm
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: ;-) You
http://www.angelfire.com/ca5/kim7/page4.html
*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: ~*~ Pleasies
- Flash ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/pleasieshw.html
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Top 11 Worst Things To Say At A Funeral
11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.
4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.
2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh?
Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to
worship him? He sounds like an asshole.
1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday
night?
v v v v v
*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he
discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So
he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without
eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that
none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that
reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.com
v v v v v
I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
v v v v v
A
Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend
On the grounds of His father's house. His father
Was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a
Circumcision in the on-site surgery.
As they were walking, they heard a scream and a
foreskin flew out of the window and landed at he girl's feet.
"What's this," she asked.
"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it,
I'll give you a whole one!"
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
DeVulcano
Click here: You Are Special
http://www.mamarocks.com/you_are_special.htm
2. Click here: Somebody
Cares
http://www.joygreetings.com/somebody.shtml
3. Click here: Today
Is A Gift
http://www.mamarocks.com/today_is_a_gift.htm
v
v v v v
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
v v v v v
The caffeinated doughnut! This is sensational! This is the
greatest invention since Gold Bond Medicated Powder. This took
years of research. Scientists finally stopped wasting their time
curing disease to get something important done.
Finally, you can be restless *and* overweight.
v v v v v
Click
here: PCPal (exe), from Gteko - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware,
Evaluation Software
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?docid=253478&promo=100200
PCPal is a tool that helps you maintain your PC optimized and secured by detecting
and solving problems.
PCPal monitors your PC, notifies you about important issues, and suggests fix
solutions. Additionally, PCPal provides
you with a 1-click checkup function, which enables you to check your PC whenever
you like. PCPal provides
support for a wide range of areas, such as security, performance, network, and
printing.
Click
here: Mario Forever (exe), from Buziol Games - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware,
Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?docid=220787&promo=100200
Super Mario Forever is really a classic Mario remake. Once again you strap on
your wrench and hardhat and guide
the chubby plumber through many skillfully made levels. The diversity of the
levels is very impressive. You will have
to get through levels ranging from underwater caverns to levels filled with
hot lava. Version 4
may include unspecified updates, enhancements, or bug fixes.
Click
here: Katy-K-Boom (zip), from Brianvadell - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware,
Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?&docid=263316&promo=100511
Cool Flash Plataform Video Game. Enjoy 7 stages of an original game, and save
the earth of al alien invasion. Taking place in egypt.
Click
here: Artifact (zip), from Samu Games - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware,
Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?&docid=240192&promo=100511
Artifact is the Internet-based, multi-player, persistent world, real-time
strategy game from Samu Games. Multi-player -
The ultimate opponents: other players from all over the United States and even
the World. Not only are you competing with
other Real, Live players, but you can also join alliances with other players.
Persistent World - Artifact is always
running. When you log out, your empire is still there--your population is still
growing, your workers are still working,
your military is still there defending your holdings. Real-time Strategy - All
building, movement and combat are resolved
in "real time. Artifact is to free to play as long as you want, though there
are benefits for buying Artifact Citizenship.
Learn to play without paying a cent, or go for full privileges right from the
start. It's your choice.
Artifact is supported by the players, not by advertisers.
v
v v v v
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there.
Hunters would be all confused.
v
v v v v
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ...
but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out or spread out"
Phyllis Diller
v
v v v v
"There is a law waiting approval in the California legislature
to ban spanking. The ironic part? If put into place the fine for
spanking will be a slap on the wrist."
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
Click
here: New and used car prices, buying guides, auto reviews, care care information
by autoMedia
http://www.automedia.com/channel/autoCare/General_Tips/Advice
Driving to and fro, it's often easy to forget about the most basic of things
that make the motoring miracle possible.
One of the pivotal innovations in the history of the modern automobile was that
of the pneumatic tire. Invented for
use first on bicycles, the pneumatic tire eventually found its way onto the
wheels of the then new automobile.
The air-filled tire has proved an invaluable part of automotive progress. Oddly
enough solid rubber tires were preferred
over their air-filled pneumatic counterparts by the horse-drawn Brougham and
Buggy crowd. So it goes.
v
v v v v
"After hitting record high temperatures earlier this month, New
York has now hit a record low. It was 9 degrees in Central Park
today. They're warning New Yorkers now not to leave their middle
fingers exposed for more than a couple of seconds."
Jimmy Kimmel
v
v v v v
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto
the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us,
help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important
convention, so he asked one of his employees to
write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long
speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience
walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a
20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you
the two extra copies you asked for."
v v v v v
Because of the icy road conditions, I couldn't prevent hitting a parked car.
While the owner and I exchanged information, another car smashed
into mine. Due to the amount of total damage, we eventually called the
police.
When the patrol car drove up with its lights flashing, we
all watched in disbelief as it slid into the third vehicle.
The officer rolled down the window, smiled and said, "I guess I
know what happened here."
v v v v v
"President Bush asked Bill Clinton for advice about what to do
in Iraq and he said: 'Don't pull out until you hear her husband's
car in the drive way.'"
Craig Ferguson
v v v v v
Click here: Pandora - Find New Music,
Listen to Custom Internet Radio Stations
http://www.pandora.com/corporate/
When was the last time you fell in love with a new artist or song? At Pandora
Media™ (formerly Savage Beast
Technologies™), we have a single mission: To help you discover new music you'll
love. To understand just how we
do this, and why we think we do it really, really well, you need to know about
the Music Genome Project™.
For almost seven years now, we have been hard at work on the Music Genome Project.
It's the most comprehensive
analysis of music ever undertaken. Together our team of fifty musician-analysts
have been listening to music,
one song at a time, studying and collecting literally hundreds of musical details
on every song. It takes 20-30
minutes per song to capture all of the little details that give each recording
its magical sound - melody, harmony, instrumentation,
rhythm, vocals, lyrics ... and more - close to 400 attributes! We continue this
work every day to keep up with the
incredible flow of great new music coming from studios, stadiums and garages
around the country. We've now created
an interface to make this available to music lovers so they could use this musical
'connective-tissue'
to discover new music based on songs or artists they already know.
v
v v v v
A bill introduced in the Mississippi state legislature
by Republican state Senator Tom King would make it illegal
for a man to appear in public when sexually aroused.
More specifically, it bans "the showing of covered
male
genitals in a discernibly turgid state," and offenders
face
a year in prison and a $2,000 fine.
But just how does one know this crime is being committed?
The Top 13 Signs Someone's Breaking Mississippi's Boner Law
13> Local Renaissance festival supplier has been sold out of codpieces for
weeks.
12> "No, that's NOT a banana in my pocket, and keep your voice down, willya?!?"
11> On the bus to work, you are convinced that there's a midget
behind you trying to rob you at gunpoint.
10> Strategically placed "Lee surrendered, but I didn't" bumper sticker.
9> The driver in the next lane has both hands on the wheel,
yet he's still scratching his chin.
8> That feller's parrot ain't perched on his shoulder.
7> Cops keep asking, "Is that a $2,000 fine in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?"
6> At a political fundraising dinner, Senator Tom King has the
honor of meeting Linda Tripp for the very first time.
5> Southern gentleman keeps his hat on his lap -- while walking.
4> Front row seats at a Shania Twain concert? Nope.
Watching as cheerleader splits a seam at the Ole Miss game?
Nope. Dancing with Sis at the family picnic? Uh-oh.
3> Local Hooters is filled with guys reciting the batting order
of the '69 Mets.
2> With an armful of groceries, Bob proudly pushes the 4th floor
button in the elevator.
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Sign
Someone's Breaking Mississippi's Boner
Law...
1> The eyes on the suspect's "semi-formed Siamese twin" look like
they were drawn on with a magic marker.
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
DeVulcano
v v v v v
Red
Lobster Cheese Biscuits
Dough:
1 1/4 lbs. Bisquik
3 Oz. freshly shredded cheddar cheese
11 Oz. cold water
Garlic Spread:
1/2 cup melted butter
1 teas. garlic powder
1/4 teas. salt
1/8 teas. onion powder
1/8 teas. dried parsley
To cold water, add Bisquik and cheese, blending in a mixing bowl.
Mix until dough is firm.
Using a small scoop, place the dough on a baking pan lined with
baking paper. Bake in 375 degree oven for 10 to 12 minutes or until
golden brown. While biscuits bake, combine spread ingredients.
Brush baked biscuits with the garlic topping.
v
v v v v
A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere,
tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web,
nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same
room in very nearly the same condition.
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes
puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few
days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his
hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself
and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."
The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."
This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two
before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly
pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones,
"Scottish."
The second man replied, "Irish."
Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In
another couple of days they were at it again.
Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to
cough out, "Glasgow."
Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."
This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.
"Cancer", said Jim.
"...Sagittarius," replied Paddy.
v
v v v v
Tequila Sweet Tart
1
oz Tequila
1 oz cherry mix
1 oz tropical mix
fill lemonade mix
ice (shake) rocks or up (for shots add 1/2 amount of mixes)
Add 2 oz flavor mix or Schnapps for a Cherry, Peach,
Blackberry, Raspberry, Strawberry, or Wildberry
Tequila Sweet Tart
Cherry
Chill
1 oz Vodka
2 oz cherry mix
2/3 lemonade mix
1/3 pineapple juice
Instructions ice (shake) rocks or blended frozen
(flavors same as 1st)
v
v v v v
David Miscavige, the effective leader of Scientology,
recently hailed Tom Cruise as the "chosen
one."
The actor was compared to Jesus Christ due to his ability
and desire to to spread the word of the wacky sci-fi cult.
The
Top 15 Miracles Performed by Tom Cruise
15> Resurrecting his career after "Days of Thunder" and "Cocktail."
14> Taking only *two* licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
13> Convincing billions of people he actually achieved the
impossible missionary position with Katie and thereby
fathered Suri.
12> Managing to overcome even the veil of death to sully Stanley
Kubrick's reputation.
11> The Parting of the Reality.
10> The Mimi Rogers/Nicole Kidman/Katie Holmes "wife" trifecta
seems pretty damn miraculous.
9> Making an entire nation root for Brooke Shields and Matt Lauer.
8> Becoming a Hollywood leading man despite being less than four feet tall.
7> Feeding the entire crew of "Mission: Impossible III" with
nothing but three Scientology brochures and a crock of bullshit.
6> Nailing a drunken Smokey Robinson.
5> Getting that autistic dude to say, "KMart sucks."
4> "... and, lo, the burning bush he summoned forth spake thus:
'Behold, my name is Nicole, and I shall be as a beard unto you.'"
3> Getting footprints on Oprah's couch and living to talk about it.
2> Building a working spaceship entirely out of thank-you notes
from Keith Urban.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Miracle Performed by Tom Cruise...
1> Getting stuff down from the top shelf.
v v v v v
One of my students could not take my college seminar
final exam because of a funeral.
"No problem," I told him. "Make it up
the following week."
That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted.
"I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many
people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said.
"I'm the only gravedigger in town."
v v v v v
"MSNBC is reporting that Britney Spears is very upset because the new doll
based on her doesn't resemble her. Have you seen the doll?
It has blonde hair, plastic breasts, and you pull a string
and a pre-recorded voice comes out.
What part did I miss?"
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while
they are still rolling.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Click here: TIME: The Best Photos
of the Year 2006
http://www.time.com/time/yip/2006/
Click here: Paper Toys - Paper Cut-Outs
- Custom Paper Models at PaperToys.com
http://www.papertoys.com/
Paper toys and things for grownups and kids!
Click here: Express Your Feelings!
- ICQ Greetings - ICQ.com
http://www.icq.com/friendship/
Nice site for sending ecards!
*submitted by*
BillieJo50
Click here:
Doozy Cards - FREE Animated Ecards, Birthday Cards, Halloween
Cards and Holiday Ecards, Any Day and All Occasion C
http://www.doozycards.com/Site/Card.aspx?a=3441&b=417
Another good site for free ecards!
2. Click
here: spray paint art.wmv - Google Video
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1246174515665636969
Amazing art --- it's completely mesmirizing!
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Click here: Wedding Mapper - Make a
free map of your wedding to share with your guests.
http://www.weddingmapper.com/
Wedding Mapper was built to make it fun, easy, and affordable for you to map
out your wedding, ensuring
that your guests have all the information they need in order to have a great
time at your wedding.
We wanted to make it as easy as possible to build and share your wedding map,
with a simple interface, both
a map view and a list view, easy printing, and the ability to include your map
in your wedding website.
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Click here: Jackson Pollock by Miltos
Manetas, original design by Stamen, press any key to s
http://www.jacksonpollock.org/
This is such fun! Each time you click your mouse it will change colors!
Click here: Refund Please - Home
http://www.angelfire.com/ok5/xx-amber-xx/love_child.html
There are a number of online retailers that offer to credit buyers back cash
on past purchases. For instance,
if the product you purchased at Amazon.com within the last 30 days has dropped
in price they will credit you back the difference.
That's great news!
The only problem is that you have to check the latest prices and then
notify them in order to get the credit.
We simplify the whole process.
After
you make a purchase, visit our web site and enter the purchase information into
our database along
with your email address. We do the rest. We'll check the prices every
day and send you a message if the
price has dropped. In the message will be a link right to the place where you
claim your credit.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the
Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are
at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas"?
v
v v v v
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One
is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are
holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift
their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop
money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the
hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the
man with the star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to
the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't
you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never
get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the
cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is
trying to tell us how to run our business?"
v v v v v
"Is everyone excited about the Academy Awards? Helen Mirren was
nominated for a tremendous role. She plays a stubborn out-of-touch
queen . . . I believe it's based on the story of Elton John"
David Letterman
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
The Top 8 Dark Moments in the Westminster Kennel Club's History
8> 1973: The less said about the infamous "cat in drag" incident the better.
7> 1985: Fear of HIV leads to exclusion of Bloodhounds from competition.
6> 1994: "Nancy", the early favorite for Best in Show, gets clubbed in the
knee.
5> 2007: Entire Herding Group disqualified after nudging the
audience out of Madison Square Garden and onto the icy streets.
4> 1953: Brief, tawdry and lamentable addition of a swimsuit competition.
3> 1968: The first Labradoodle was inadvertently conceived at a
backstage gathering, as was the less sustainable Great Dachshund
line.
2> 2003: French Poodles referred to as Freedom Poodles.
and the Number 1 Dark
Moment in the Westminster Kennel Club's History...
1> 1997: One Boxer bites off the ear of another.
v
v v v v
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over
at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's
waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene
in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she
explained, "with concrete blocks."
v v v v v
Click here: Top 10 Books of 2006
- Best Books 2006 - Top 10 Books - 2006 Bestsellers
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZxG
Not sure I agree with this but I do have some of these on
my bedside table that I haven't gotten to yet
Pigtopia
by
Kitty Fitzgerald
This superbly inventive debut is the story of a disfigured middle-aged man,
a misunderstood teenage girl, and a
basement full of pigs. Meet Jack Plum, a frightful-looking fellow with an oversized
head. Raised by an abusive,
alcoholic mother, he has lived the life of a recluse, venturing outside only
to run errands and suffering the ridicule of the
neighborhood bullies. His sole comfort is the secret "palace," a pig sanctuary
he's created in the basement of his
home. But aching for a connection beyond the porcine, Jack notices Holly, a
young schoolgirl who has always
refrained from teasing him. Sensing that she may need him, too, Jack offers
her the gift of a baby pig -- and
opens the door to an unlikely yet enormously affecting friendship"
I have mixed feelings about this book. A lot of people who write reviews
enjoyed this
book so you might as well. I felt it was a bit boring but I did finish
it. I would give
it 3 out of five stars -- maybe 2 out of 5 actually.
v
v v v v
I was cleaning out my inbox from the long weekend when I
realized that about 90 percent of Spam has something to do with
the male erection. Make it bigger, make it harder, make it last
longer, make it get hard over and over in a short period of
time, increase the amount of splooge it shoots... For the love
of Pete! Why isn't there any Spam for the female equivalent?
Why isn't somebody peddling something that makes the vagina a
bit tighter, or wetter, or smell better, or something that puts
those lips to good use and make it whistle, or do impressions or
crack walnuts? Find some product that makes it do anything other
than inactively waiting to be harpooned.
I have some good Spam subject lines that would work, too:
"Tighten Your Twat!" or "Moisten Your Moneymaker!" or "Smell
Fresh with our New Eucalyptus Pussy Scrub...Good for Four Hours!"
or "Coach Your Cunny!" or "Train Your Twat to do Tricks!" (I
know I used Twat twice...I like it.)
I'm not trying to increase the gulf between men and women. I'm
just saying that if for now we haven't figured out how to stop
Spam from making its way to our inbox, then let's at least have
equal representation of sexual dysfunctions.
v v v v v
A
man approached a local in a village he was visiting.
"What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
v v v v v
Morris
has a business appointment, and he arrives a little
early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair, and
asks him to be seated for a short while. Morris settles down,
picks up a glossy magazine from the glass-topped table, opens it,
and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate
because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one
of the doors leading off the reception area. Morris goes over to
the receptionist and asks: "What's going on in there?"
She replies: "It's a partners' meeting."
"But why are they shouting at each other?" Morris asks.
"It's a battle of wits," she replies.
Morris asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers:
"Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
v v v v v
The Wild West -- A personal computer connected to the Internet without
a firewall can be hijacked in
just a few minutes. The only way to make it 100% secure is to turn it off or
disconnect it from the Internet.
The real issue is how to make your computer 99.9% secure when it is connected.
For current news,
alerts and reviews, see our Internet
Security News page. It is updated daily.
Bottom
Line --
At
minimum, any computer connected to the Internet needs to have all security patches
installed as well
as personal firewall,
anti-virus and anti-spyware
software. Note: Never use two personal firewall or two anti-virus software products
at the same time. Fully uninstall one before installing another to prevent compatibility
problems.
Firewalls
-- Before connecting a computer to the Internet, make sure that it has hardware
and/or software firewalls
installed. For links to and reviews of over fifty personal firewall software
products, see our Firewall
page.
For hardware firewalls, see our Wired
and Wireless router
pages.
Anti-Virus
-- Use a two step defense for viruses. First, install anti-virus software on
your computer; see our Anti-Virus
Guide
for more information. Second, use online (server side) virus and spam filters
for your email
through an Internet Service Provider and/or an Email
Service.
Anti-Spyware
-- See our Anti-Spyware Guide
for the best free and retail products
as well as background articles and comparative reviews.
Other
Malware
-- See our
Anti-Trojan,
Anti-Spam,
Anti-Phishing,
and Privacy software
pages for background
information, reviews and product links. Also, you should take the time to Tighten
Windows to make it more secure.
More
Options
-- Consider an Internet Security
Software Suite or Broadband
Gateway (hardware with security
software). These options are especially helpful if you have kids and two or
more home computers.
Freeware
-- There is good Internet security freeware available to help you deal with
many needs. See our
Freeware page for personal
firewalls, ad blocker, anti-EULA, anti-phishing, anti-spam, anti-spyware, anti-trojan,
anti-virus, online backup, browsers, email, encryption, IM, intrusion prevention,
password managers, privacy
cleaners, security testing services, and wireless hot spot protection
v
v v v v
My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty
before filling his gas tank. Finally, his car died on him, and
we had to push it to the nearest filling station.
After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he'd
learned anything.
"Yeah," my friend muttered.
"I've learned I have a 15-gallon tank!"
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
WaltWiso
OLD but oh so cute
A boss wondered why one of his most valued
employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult,
the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could
leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,"
came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise
in the background.
Through the ear piece on the phone, the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss,
now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The
search team just landed
a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little
frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with
a muffled giggle.....
"ME."
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The
Top 14 Signs a Humor List Is Now a Teenager
14> Freaky growth spurt sends the average list length to 28 items.
13> Stammers out lame excuses when caught with National Lampoon
magazines under mattress.
12> Screams that Perez Hilton doesn't understand it and never will!
11> "Don't call me Chester anymore. Call me The Dude."
10> Trying to find out if the Huffington Post likes it likes it,
or just simply likes it.
9> Hair starting to grow on its Honorable Mentions.
8> Recently started locking the bathroom door so
TheSmokingGun.com doesn't barge in unexpectedly.
7> "Go to hell! I never *asked* to be compiled!"
6> Monday's list: Britney Spears.
Tuesday's list: Justin Timberlake. Wednesday's list: Chad
Michael Murray. Thursday's list: The OC. Friday's list:
Why I hate my parents. Repeat.
5> Fewer childish booger jokes, more sophisticated boobie jokes.
4> It's the third time this month for that "Top 15 Signs
Hannah Glomke from Algebra 2 Likes Us" topic.
3> Nocturnal eruditions.
2> Chris White now singing "Cat's in the Cradle" to the
contributors, instead of the other way around.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign a Humor List Is Now a Teenager...
1> Keeps yelling, "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!" at Letterman.
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*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station
wagon and headed north. After driving
for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm house and asked the
attractive, large-breasted lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk
if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," smiled Jack. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
The next morning at the crack of dawn, the two were back on the road...
About a month later, Jack, while reading his mail, turned to his good buddy
and said: "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking young widow at the farm we stayed at?"
Bob smiled knowingly: "Yes, I do."
Jack glared at him and asked: "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the
night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes," smirked Bob. "I have to admit that I did."
Jack scowled: "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red: "Yeah, I'm afraid I did..."
Jack continued: "Well, I just got a letter addressed to me from her attorney.
Seems she died
suddenly in a car accident and I was named her sole heir!"
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Click here: Fried Green Tomatoes
W/Shrimp Remoulade Recipe | Recipezaar
http://www.recipezaar.com/169732
This has been posted for ZWT II. Found on the net, Mark Twain was quoted as
saying "New Orleans food is as
delicious as the less criminal forms of sin." The dish was further described
- “This has become a modern classic
appetizer in New Orleans, having originated at the Upperline Restaurant Uptown,
then appeared at Uglesich's
and spread to points beyond. It's simple, really -- just adding 1 ingredient
to the classic Shrimp Remoulade, but it makes a
big difference. Cool salad, cool and tangy sauce and shrimp, over piping hot
& crunchy fried green tomatoes. This is
New Orleans w/a touch of the Deep South and a hint of Creole-Italian. That’s
a beautiful thing.” My recipe source
was gumbopages.com/recipe and it would be nice to think this “form of sin” survived.
(Times were not specified,so have been estimated)
Click
here: Cooks.com - Recipes - Bought Pickles
http://www.cooks.com/rec/search/0,1-0,bought_pickles,FF.html
Recipes in all categories - health and diet reports and nutrition facts
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A bus on a busy street in New York City strikes a man. He is lying near
death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest.
Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty
years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not
even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the
Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying
man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."
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How many feminist cavewomen does it take to cook a wooly mammoth?
11...
2 to skin it
2 to cure the hide and make it into clothing
3 to carve it up
3 to cook it
and 1 to suck my dick.
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Click
here: VeryFunnyPics.com - Funny Pictures, Comics, and Cartoons
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/imagepages/20.htm
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
Cleaning your computer monitor; keep it clean every day!
When you get time... Try cleaning your computer monitor screen. Anyone who's
has ever owned an
aquarium knows that you have to clean the glass on the inside, sooner or later.
Some people use to do that with a brush that is held to the glass by a magnet
on the outside.
In that way you can clean the inside glass from the outside by moving the brush
up and down the glass with the magnet apparatus.
The same goes for the inside of the monitor screen you are watching right now.
Up until now there was no such cleaner, but thanks to Microsoft there now is.
Just Click on the below link and move your courser up, down, back, and forth...
This will clean the backside
of your monitor screen. The results are amazing. My computer screen looks much,
much better now. You will be
amazed at the difference and how much better and clearer the words appear and
less strain on your eyes...
For the best results it is recommended to do a thorough inside cleaning at least
once weekly.
Click Below To Clean Your Screen!
http://www.25-88.com/clean_your_monitor/brush.swf
http://www.25-88.com/clean_your_monitor/brush.swf
Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/336.html
Old - but one of my alltime fav's
Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/338.html
VERY naughty -- warning!
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
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©1999
- 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
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