Editor:  DebsSweet
Graphic Editors:  Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet

 







Hey there!

Happy Valentines Day!


If you are a pet lover as I am then please don't miss the PETS section where you'll find
the link to a video that will bring tears to your eyes - so very heartwarming!

Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 











"I feel like I'm sending "coals to Newcastle" but maybe one of these is not
in your archives, , , oh great master of smiles and chuckles!
Thanks for being one of the reasons
I'll have a Happy New Year!"
MdubyaM




v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his
elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled  The man
turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as  hard as your elbow, I'm in
room 221."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first  night
in the White House. She has waited so long......
.
The ghost  of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my  country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary,  "I don't know about that."
.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas  Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" 
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to  do that."
.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... 
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
.
Lincoln says,  "Go to the theater."



v v v v v








  Greek Sex On The Beach
2 parts Vodka
1 1/2 parts Bacardi Limon rum
2 parts Grenadine syrup
2 1/2 parts Orange juice
1 part Gold tequila
1 part Southern Comfort peach liqueur
Put all ingredients in together, and shake.
Serve in a glass filled up to 2/3 with ice. 


Naked Surfer
1/2 glass Vodka
1 jigger Grenadine syrup
Fill with orange juice
Pour vodka half-way up an ice-filled beer mug.
Add roughly a shot of grenadine. Fill with
orange juice, stir, and serve. 

v v v v v



A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas... sign in front of a
restaurant that reads:

Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!

v v v v v



While visiting my friends,  I asked their five-year-old, Allison, if she was excited about attending 
kindergarten the next week and told her she'd have lots of fun, and the  teacher would teach her how to print.

"Oh, I already know how to print, Miss  Judy," she said. "But I can't do it right now
because my computer isn't hooked  up to the printer."



v v v v v



The Top 10 Musical Artists' Vanity License Plates
chris white topfive.com


10> Paul McCartney: NOWIM64

9> Dead Schembechlers: NO MO BO

8> Taylor Hicks: IM GRAYT

7> Michael Jackson: I69CUBS

6> Luciano Pavarotti: XXL 10R

5> Kevin Federline: WRK 4 FUD

4> Cass Elliot: IBRK4HAM

3> Ozzy Osbourne: I8YORPET

2> Madonna: DON8ABB


    and the Number 1 Musical Artist's Vanity License Plate...


1> R. Kelly: 2BZ2PONU



v v v v v



*submitted by*
DeVulcano







v v v v v



Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. 
He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. 

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk,
head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. 

Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just  exactly how many is a brazillion?"



v v v v v



A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.  The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young  man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.  He immediately notices a young woman
in the rear seat, knitting.  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir,  I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused.  A young couple.  Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's  lane... and nothing  obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's  your age, young man?"
The young man says  :"I'm 22, sir."

The cop  asks:  "And her...  what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch  and replies: "She'll be 18  in 11 minutes."



v v v v v



I don't know why the media is making such a big deal over  Bush having trouble with his Generals.
Clinton had trouble with his privates!!



v v v v v







*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: Beautiful Dixie
http://mybeautifulamerica.com/BeautifulDixie.htm
Yeeeeeeee Haw!

Click here: First Mouse
http://sloan.stanford.edu/MouseSite/Archive/patent/Mouse.html
The very first computer mouse -- wow

Click here: Goggles :: The Google Maps flight sim
http://www.tuglet.com/URLMRecordsTheURLThing.asp?nID=220246&f=195.90.120.51/games/goggles.html
GOGGLES is the GoogleMaps flight simulator.  It uses images loaded from the Googles mapping service,
but is not otherwise affiliated with Google.  Pilot your flight by going here.

Click here: Kid Safe Internet | Kids Online Browser
http://www.mykidsbrowser.com/index.php?affID=games
A brower for kids - protects them against porn, predators, and other Internet
dangers - even when you can't be there!

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Click here: Name Statistics - How popular are your first and last names?
http://www.namestatistics.com/
Have you ever wondered how popular your first and last names are? Name Statistics allows you to find out the
ranking of your name and an estimation of how many other people in the United
States share the same name as you do. Search here!

Click here: Hollywood Height Chart
http://www.usedwigs.com/lists_08.html
Providing completely worthless news and nonsense since 1999
Hollywood Height Chart --- He's really *that* short?  Wow

Click here: AboutAirportParking.com - Search, Map and Review over 400 airport parking lots across the US!
http://www.aboutairportparking.com/
What a site!  Check current airport status -- average security wait and info about airport parking. 
Find the best airport parking for your needs.
Check prices, get directions and be on your way!
Share your opinions with others.

Click here: SNEAKYCHEAP!
http://www.cockeyed.com/magic/cheap/cheap.html
There are lots of crafty things people do to save money. Some are good ideas, some are lousy ideas, and some are
downright criminal. Below is a list of these things, beginning at the top with "eating the free food at an art opening,
" which I consider to be completely acceptable, to "writing the wrong room number on the hotel bar tab," which is plain thievery.
Personally, I've tried the little things, but rarely do I do something that rates over a 20. I consider the items at the
top to be healthy, harmless acts, but I've seen people balk at them, so they are included. Sometimes a person's behavior is dictated
by a regular moral code, but if a scheme is tricky enough--or anonymous enough--it can get special attention.
New items are presented with a white background.

Click here: Investing for Beginners
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/32Zm
Long-time readers of the site may be familiar with our concept of "The Complete Portfolio" - a total wealth
system that addresses your needs for emergency cash, future retirement needs, debt management, and other
financial considerations. Get the year started right and browse through our 10-Step Guide. It will
only take a minute, but it can make a huge difference in the quality of your life!

Click here: Freecycle.com
http://freecycle.com/
type into your browser www.freecycle.org. You’ll now get to a nice site   
It is a grassroots organization open to everyone who wants to "recycle" that bread maker you never use rather
than bringing it to the dump or going to the trouble of a yard sale only to get $3.00 for it (If you’re lucky.) there is someone on
Freecyle who wants it. Or maybe you're looking for something. Do you need a baby changing table? Then post it.
Nonprofit groups are welcome on the network too. Everything posted must be free. Nothing can be resold. I know this
is hard to police but it is the hope of the community that this doesn’t happen. If you are
found to be doing this you will be asked to leave the group.
“It is about keeping things out of the landfill. It is bout giving away something that has no use in our
life anymore to someone who could extend its usefulness a little longer. It is about giving gifts to people while
clearing out our own clutter. It is about community. “
There are 3, 803 Freecyle communities around the globe with about 2, 7000 members. It is entirely nonprofit.
Each local group is moderated by a local volunteer. One of my groups has two moderators. If the membership goes
to 400 they will want a third. But each group is slightly different in their style but not
their rule. The rules are Freecycle’s rules. Membership is free.
   


v v v v v



A  man was in Ballou park doing his morning push-ups.
A drunk who had had a big night staggered by.

Moments later the drunk returned looked at the man doing push-ups and doubled over in laughter.

"What `s so funny,?"said the man.

"I've got some really bad news for you, dude", slurred the drunk,
"your girlfriend`s gone home."



v v v v v



We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emotions", where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.
(Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.)

Well, how about some "Assicons"?

Here goes:

(_!_)  - a regular ass

(__!__) -  a fat ass

(!) - a tight ass

(_*_) - a sore ass

{_!_} - a swishy ass

(_o_) - an ass that's been around

(_x_) - kiss my ass

(_X_) - leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) - a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) - a smart ass

(_$_) - money coming out his ass

(_?_) - dumb ass



v v v v v



*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56



A homosexual went into a bar and met a big, burly man and they soon
left together. The next day the homosexual came back in the bar, all
battered and bruised, with two broken legs and his head bandaged. The
bartender asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

"Well," the homosexual replied, "that man I left with yesterday
wined me and dined me, then took me up to his apartment and gave me a
bath, powdered me down and put me in a beautiful negligee. Then he
picked me up in his arms, carried me over to the window by the moonlight
and asked me, 'Are you my little nightingale?'

"I said yes, and he replied, 'Well, fly, my little nightingale,
fly!' and threw me out the window!"



v v v v v



*submitted by*
DeVulcano









v v v v v



       Hillary Rodham Clinton is now officially running for
        the 2008 Democratic nomination for for president.
     Hmmm... Clinton -- that name sounds awfully familiar...


The Top 16 Differences Under President *Hillary* Clinton


16> This Clinton wears the pants in the family -- and keeps them
    *on* in the Oval Office.

15> Out: "Don't Stop." In: "Ice Ice Baby."

14> This time, America, you're taking that Universal Health Care
    medicine -- or you'll stay in your room until you do!

13> President battles House Speaker over whose cycle will
    synchronize with whose.

12> White House bathroom magazines under Hillary:
        the Nation, Mother Jones, the Progressive.
    White House bathroom magazines under Bill:
        Hustler, Barely Legal, Juggs.

11> All the veracity we've come to expect from a President
    Clinton, only this time unencumbered by personal charm.

10> Socks the cat replaced by Fin, the man-eating great white.

9> Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Michael Savage, Sean Hannity,
    Rush Limbaugh and hundreds of other conservative pundits
    are found dead in a mass suicide at a private mansion in
    the Hamptons.

8> No sax in the Oval Office.

7> The vast nationwide pet programs of previous First Ladies
    will pale in comparison to the new First Gentleman's campaign
    to teach sex education, one American at a time.

6> White House sex scandals 75 percent less cigarier.

5> The only illegal tapping going on in the White House is when
    a group of coeds takes a tour.

4> Bill: Tried it once but didn't inhale.
    Hillary: Tried it once but didn't swallow.

3> Now when the White House leaks a secret, it's strong enough
    for a man... but made for a woman!

2> President Hillary not nearly as well-liked by conservatives
    as Bill was when he was president.


                    and Topfive.com's Number 1
         Difference Under President *Hillary* Clinton...


1> "I did not have sexual relations with that man, Mr. Clinton."



v v v v v




by deb


Dear John
by Nicholas Sparks



When Savannah Lynn Curtis comes into his life, John Tyree knows he is ready to turn over a new leaf. An angry
rebel, he had enlisted in the army after high school, not knowing what else to do. Then, during a furlough, he meets
the girl of his dreams. Savannah Lynn Curtis is attending college in North Carolina, working for Habitat for
Humanity, and totally unprepared for the passionate attraction she feels for John Tyree. The attraction is mutual
and quickly grows into the kind of love that leaves Savannah vowing to wait for John while he finishes his tour of duty, and John
realizing that he's ready to settle down with the young woman who has captured his heart.

This is one of my favorite authors -- I read all of his books and most of them evoke a lot of emotion
from me and that is the way I judge the merit of a book in most cases.  I love the
ease in which this author writes and the fact that you know his books could be anyone's reality.

YES - this is a wonderful book - buy it   



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. 

The first surgeon, from New  York, says, "I like to see accountants on 
my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best-- everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon, from Los  Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no! spine, and the 
head and the ass are interchangeable."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
GuffieBaby



A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese
      Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week
she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

      The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a
note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!  USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"



v v v v v






Click here: Phishing Scam Tutorial
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZZ3
Phishing is a serious and growing problem contributing to identity theft and other types of fraud.
The first step so that you don't fall victim, is understanding the characteristics of an e-mail that is
being used to "phish" for your personally identifiable information (PII).

Click here: Anti-Virus Guide
http://www.firewallguide.com/anti-virus.htm
Do you need help now?  Important tips, comparative reviews and more
   


v v v v v



One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and
after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed
of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it
was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, ... our son in-law!"



v v v v v




Q: What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?

A: They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards,
stop and eject!




v v v v v




I inherited my large mahood from my grandfather. I remember
one time he was sitting in the park, crying his ass off.
One of his buddies came up to him.

"Yo, Tommy, what's the matter? Why are you crying?"

"I've got a 10 inch dick, man." Grandpa Tommy replied between sobs.

"Geez, Tommy, most guys would *love* to have some man-meat like that!"

"I'm crying because it takes me a week to get a hard on!"




v v v v v





*submitted by*
KP1983
Click here: McCormick - Recipes - Pecan Cookie Balls - Dessert
http://www.mccormick.com/recipedetail.cfm?id=680
These buttery melt-in-your mouth cookies will be a holiday hit.  They make a great gift idea or cookie exchange addition.
Makes 4 dozen or 24 (2 cookie)   

2.  McCormick - Recipe Print Full Page - Cherry Chocolate Cookies
    http://www.mccormick.com/recipeprintfullpage.cfm?id=10605
Inspired by the perennial holiday favorite, cherry cordials, these chewy cookies are a snap to prepare.  They
can be included in holiday cookie gift tins, but are so delectable, you'll want to save some for yourself.    
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 12 minutes per batch
Makes 2 dozen or 24 (1 cookie) servings.    
   


v v v v v



Readers of the Washington POST were asked to compose a very
unwise line for a college application:

"When I told my friends I was applying to LeHigh, they were like,
no way, and I was like, yes way. And they were like, way cool."

"Four years of fees at your institution come to about $78,000. Just
bill my father and mail me half the money.  He'll never find out."

"First off, coach said there wasn't going to be no writing."

"To demonstrate my love for your school, I have spray-painted
your logo on my town's water tower."

"College is probably the last place they'll look for me."



v v v v v



Marraige is a wonderful institution.  But who wants
to live in an institution?



v v v v v



Howard picked up an attractive woman who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town. 
As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living.

She winked at him and said, "I'm a magician."

"No way," he scoffed.  'Prove it."

So she touched him on the thigh, and he turned into a hotel.



v v v v v



A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



v v v v v






Click here: GrandCentral, One Number... for Life
http://www.grandcentral.com/
GRAND CENTRAL.  Roll all your phone numbers into one, check messages by phone, email, or online, keep all messages
online for life, record and store phone calls like voicemail, send annying callers to spam, click to dial from your address
book,record a voicemail greeting for each caller, and other features. 
This beta application provides 100 free minutes per month.

Click here: PC World - The Wide World of External Drives
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,127545/article.html?tk=nl_urxcol
The Wide World of External Drives
Today's options provide impressive combinations of speed, interfaces, features, and software

Click here: TECH.BLORGE.com » Blog Archive » IE 7.0 bunged on your PC
http://tech.blorge.com/Structure:%20/2007/01/24/ie-70-bunged-on-your-pc/
One of my subscribers had a terrible time with IE 7.0 and had to delete it from his system.
Here is a site with known issues  Known issues - Internet Explorer 7



v v v v v



Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked
by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."

"Oh?  And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, sir."
b


v v v v v



Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he
called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first
notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to
finish my soup!"



v v v v v



My partner and I pulled our police cruiser behind a car stopped on
the shoulder of the highway.  We got out, and I asked the driver
if we could help.

"No," he replied, "there was no trouble; I had just stopped for a rest."

When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped
in the passenger side front window of our car we left open.

"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog
obviously thinks he's done something wrong.  He's in our patrol car."

The man laughed.  "He probably thinks you came to take him to work,"
he replied.  "He's a retired police dog."



v v v v v

Click here: fluFACTS – Get the FACTS About Flu Symptoms & Flu Treatment Options
http://flufacts.com/
Fight the flu - learn the facts!

*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
Click here: :: myNDMA -- Proactive Personal Health Information Management ::
https://www.myndma.com/myndma/home/InitHome.do
You're just a few clicks away from creating your free myNDMA account and, with it, your secure
online locker for your electronic medical records (EMR).  Why store your records online in a secure locker? 
Access your medical images -- for example, mammograms and other x-rays -- and electronic health records whenever you need them
Document your personal and family medical history, for yourself, your family members, and your healthcare providers
Have your records available to you on-demand to give to a new doctor or to get a second opinion
Eliminate the need to collect and carry films, records or CDs to doctors' offices

Click here: healthfinder® - your guide to reliable health information
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Acropolis/6182/SpecialDay.html
Your guide to reliable health information



v v v v v



A famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a
Cleveland department store. One gentleman pleased him by bringing
up not only his new book for signature, but reprint editions of
his two previous ones as well.

"My wife likes your stuff," he remarked apologetically, "I thought
I'd give her these autographed copies for a birthday present."

"A surprise, eh?" hazarded the author.

"I'll say," agreed the customer. "She's expecting a Cadillac.



v v v v v



"Congress began hearings today on the government's response to
Hurricane Katrina. Today? They're just investigating Hurricane
Katrina now? You know, that's pretty sad when the government's
investigation to the government's slow response to Katrina is
slower than the government's response to Katrina."



Jay Leno



v v v v v




South Dakota passed the most restrictive abortion law in the country. It includes the
requirement that pregnant wives notify both their
husband AND the baby's father.




v v v v v






Click here: Miniature Horse, Horses For Sale, Donkeys, Mini Tack
http://www.tbart.net/
Ever wanted to have a miniature horse?  Here's your chance

** Click here: Skidboot the Dog - Google Video **
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5249518974978628334&pr=goog-sl
Anyone who has ever loved a dog -- or loves one now - PLEASE watch
this and you might want to have a tissue handy

Click here: What Pets Do
http://www.ezines4all.com/fun/whatpetsdo.htm

Pound Puppies
http://www.poundpuppies.info/
amanda/worldstart.com
Here is a site that is truly devoted to loving dogs. You’ll find tons of dog information here, as well as,
see some shelter adds where you could adopt pets if you want!
Please Help – This section goes over the different ways you can help dogs in need. Whether it’s volunteering at your
local shelter or adopting a rescue dog, there are plenty of ways to help out.
Dog Pages – This section is full of links to other sites that have interesting dog content. My favorite had to be the Canine
Good Citizen Test, which covers 10 things that make your dog a good citizen.
E-cards – Here you will find links to e-card sites that have dog related e-cards.
Video – Here you will find some of the cutest dog videos. I loved Puppy Snatcher and Simon Sez. To watch most of the videos,
you will need to right click the link and choose Save As or Save Link As. Take note of where you downloaded it to so you can play
it afterward. The only video that you do not need to save is Dog Lifeguard. Just click the link and it will take you to the site with the video.
Blinkies – This section has blinking banners that you can save to your computer and use on your Web page. To save them,
right click the image and choose Save Image As. Make sure you note where you saved it to so you can find it later.
Spay-Neuter – This section discusses why you should spay or neuter your pet. It also discusses why it’s good for you, the community and your pet.
Food – Sometimes, feeding your pet can be confusing. Here you can find articles on both feeding and watering your pet.
From nutritional information to understanding the labels on the food you buy to the importance of water
in your dog’s diet. I found very useful information in this section.
Why Adopt? - A lot of people think that dogs in shelters are either defective, have bad behavior or were bad dogs. This simply
isn’t true. You can read the top 10 reasons you should adopt, with a Labrador Retriever as the example.
Friends – This link shows the sites that this site is linked to. And just to warn you, not all of them are pet sites.
News – You’ll notice there are different news areas around the site. There’s the Halloween news bulletin about those fake
spider webs. There is a blue news link under the Thought for the Day section with more dog news.
There is even a More in Dog News section further down the page.
You can also check out adoptable dogs from different states under the Dogs in Need section or you can
check out the Quick Search for a Pet just below the Dogs in Need area.
All my dogs are rescue dogs, so this site really resonates with me. I hope you enjoy it
and find some useful information for the dogs in your life!

WARNING

They're inexpensive, easy to clean, and often tip-proof, but when temperatures drop outside, stainless
steel water and food bowls may be hazardous to your hound's health.

Ever get your tongue stuck to a popsicle, ice cube, or icicle? That's exactly what could happen to Fido when he tries to lap
water from a frozen metal bowl. But getting it unstuck won't be easy -- or painless -- for him. A heavy ceramic bowl is a
safer option. Plastic is fine, too, as long as he's not allergic to it. Check several times a day to be sure the water is plentiful,
clean, and not frozen. If your pet spends a lot of time outside in the cold, a heated water
bowl may be worth the investment of $20 or so

   

v v v v v



A general practioner and a nurse were on the train, going to a medical conference.

Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow. "Iwonder what's the matter with him?" said the nurse.

"He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "And, in confidence, I can tell you that he
suffers badly from hemorrhoids."

"Well, why is he scratching there then?"

"Oh, he's a politician. He doesn't know his ass from his elbow."



v v v v v



This week in Spain, a 67 year-old woman gave birth to twins,  
making her the world's oldest new mother. The 67-year-old said,  
she'd like to breast feed but her arms aren't long enough.



v v v v v



How ironic that the shortest sentence is "I am," and the
longest sentence is "I do."



v v v v v



A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved
auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled,"Fore!"

His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat,
yelled back, "Four fifty!"



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87







v v v v v



A new hair salon opened up for business right across the
street from the old established hair cutter's place.

The owners of the new salon put up a big bold sign that
read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own
sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"



v v v v v



Carol Leifer:  Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual.  Once I've
had sex with a guy, I say, "BYE!"



v v v v v



"But officer," protested the teenage boy from the
parked car. "We were only necking."

"OK," said the cop. "just put your neck back in your
pants and get outta here."



v v v v v



THE CLASSIC FIVE KINDS OF SEX


1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-
    moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of
    the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in
    the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
    perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass
    each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
   get divorced and your wife screws you in front of
   everyone in the courtroom.



v v v v v







*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


HINT 1  

Make a box of baking soda do double duty by using it  
first to deodorize the refrigerator, under sink or  
wherever you need it, then use it to clean and polish  
with.

HINT 2  

Leftover egg whites?  

Use them for a facial mask, or put them in a meatloaf.  
They break down the 'gum' in chewing gum so that it's  
easily removed from fabrics and hair, too.



v v v v v



I work in a department store where every night at closing time
one of our customer service representatives reminds shoppers
over the public address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at Kmart opened
the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers . . ."
Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of
trouble by adding, ". . . you are in the wrong store."




v v v v v



The Top 8 Habits That Can Break Up a Relationship


8> Spending more time "pruning his shrubs" than mowing the actual lawn.

7> Giving out written grades each time you have sex.

6> Won't come until you have twice ... with two other dudes.

5> Honesty.

4> Chasing skirts and ruining her bid for the oval office.

3> Constantly scratching testicles… that aren't yours.

2> Secretive Iguana Fluffing.


  and the Number 1 Habit That Can Break Up a Relationship...


1> If the sex is good, she purrs. If the sex is great, she saves
  the condom.



v v v v v









v v v v v



*submitted by*
GuffieBaby



: A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting
room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things
aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the
woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending
end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences,
and they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I
thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."



v v v v v




Click here: GARDENING : General Information : Pet-Friendly Gardening and Landscaping : DIY Network
http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/gr_general_info/article/0,2029,DIY_13847_4615714,00.html
For gardeners who are also pet enthusiasts, it's important to be aware plant varieties that can be toxic
to dogs and cats. Armed with that information, you'll know which varieties to avoid planting when landscaping
areas to which your pets will have access. It's knowledge that could save your pet's life--or at
least prevent an unexpected and costly trip to the vet.
   
   

v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES


If you are sitting next to someone who irritates  you on a plane or train follow these instructions

    1.    Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. 
    2.    Remove your laptop. 
    3.    Start up 
    4.    Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen. 
    5.    Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. 
    6.  Then hit this   Click here: http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf




v v v v v



A bill introduced in the Mississippi state legislature
    by Republican state Senator Tom King would make it illegal
       for a man to appear in public when sexually aroused.
        More specifically, it bans "the showing of covered
        male genitals in a discernibly turgid state," and
        offenders face a year in prison and a $2,000 fine.

    But just how does one know this crime is being committed?


   The Top 13 Signs Someone's Breaking Mississippi's Boner Law


13> Local Renaissance festival supplier has been sold out of
    codpieces for weeks.

12> "No, that's NOT a banana in my pocket, and keep your voice
    down, willya?!?"

11> On the bus to work, you are convinced that there's a midget
    behind you trying to rob you at gunpoint.

10> Strategically placed "Lee surrendered, but I didn't" bumper sticker.

9> The driver in the next lane has both hands on the wheel,
    yet he's still scratching his chin.

8> That feller's parrot ain't perched on his shoulder.

7> Cops keep asking, "Is that a $2,000 fine in your pocket,
    or are you just happy to see me?"

6> At a political fundraising dinner, Senator Tom King has the
    honor of meeting Linda Tripp for the very first time.

5> Southern gentleman keeps his hat on his lap -- while walking.

4> Front row seats at a Shania Twain concert?  Nope. 
    Watching as cheerleader splits a seam at the Ole Miss game?  Nope.
    Dancing with Sis at the family picnic?  Uh-oh.

3> Local Hooters is filled with guys reciting the batting order
    of the '69 Mets.

2> With an armful of groceries, Bob proudly pushes the 4th floor
    button in the elevator.


                   and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign
             Someone's Breaking Mississippi's Boner Law...


1> The eyes on the suspect's "semi-formed Siamese twin" look like
    they were drawn on with a magic marker.



v v v v v






Click here: Understanding Virtual Memory and RAM - WorldStart Computer Tips and Computer Help
http://www.worldstart.com/tips/tips.php/2195
We often get asked what virtual memory is, because it seems as if many people receive errors
on their computers saying they do not have enough virtual memory to complete a task. I had someone write in the other
day telling me that he was trying to play a game and it keeps cutting him off in the middle of it because his PC
does not contain enough virtual memory to go on. That is just one example where this problem might show up.
To start off, here is an explanation from Steve about what exactly virtual memory is. You may have to read
through it a couple times to understand the complexity of it, because it all can get sort of confusing



v v v v v



For years I had this unexplained, burning desire to risk my life in the running
of the bulls. I was finally able to get the proper treatment once the doctor
diagnosed me with Human Pamplona Virus.



v v v v v



NOTE:   Maybe you just dreamt that you came to
            work without pants. But then why are the
             rest of us still having that nightmare?


     The Top 6 Signs You Really *Are* at Work Without Pants


6> No trouble pushing the button in the elevator.

5> The hot admin on third floor finds your banter more amusing.

4> The CEO issues a strongly worded memo concerning Casual Friday.

3> "Gee, the coffee's extra hot today."
   "Yeah, and deep."

2> You notice that during the morning break, your bathroom stop
   takes 10 seconds less, leaving you more time to hang around
   the break room.


                and the Number 1 Sign You Really
                 *Are* at Work Without Pants...


1> Co-workers *finally* stopped making fun of your bald spot.



v v v v v



When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"

The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"



v v v v v







Click here: 1
http://www3.telus.net/public/a7a55952/thoughts.htm

Click here: how to impress your date - zefrank.com
http://www.zefrank.com/date_1/navigation.html
Check out how to impress your date -- LOL

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: WORK Virus
http://www.goodtimes2.com/work_virus.htm



v v v v v



The definition of a Jewish menage a trois?

Two headaches and a hard-on.



v v v v v



A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My
wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying- W, and the other son
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."



v v v v v



An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it.
She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father
received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front
lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived:
"Greens Fee: $200."



v v v v v







Click here: Problems with your husband? Blame him - Today, Weekend Edition - MSNBC.com
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11994386/
Sure, we’ve all heard that it takes two to tango in a relationship, but that may not necessarily be the case.
After more than 30 years of counseling couples, Robert Alter concluded that men are to blame for the
problems in most marriages. That doesn’t mean that men can’t change and learn to be better partners.
In his new book, “It's (Mostly) His Fault: For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them,” Alter
tells how men can assume more active roles in their relationships and how both spouses can communicate
with each other with more honesty and candor. Here’s an excerpt:

Click here: .:. .:. .:. Bash Ltd .:. .:. .:.
http://www.yourbash.co.uk/
Plan a bash! 

Click here: Beauty Expert - Cosmetic, Beauty and Skincare Products
http://www.awin1.com/awclick.php?mid=988&id=45814
Skincare, bath and body, hair, home spa and more



v v v v v



What is this world coming to?

Did you know there are 12 year olds in this country who can't even
spell the name of the teacher they are having sex with?


Jon Stewart



v v v v v



Business ideas that somehow failed


GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees,
despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent
burial plots and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Preowned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "50,000 mile
tune-ups."

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term
customer base.

IN THE CLOSET
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds
and new homeowners.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorrhoids...available in all your favorite fragrances



v v v v v






Click here: Nice Guys Vs. Good Men -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT03/07/01/16/ALT03070116-02.html
We know that "nice guys" tend to end up in the dreaded "just be friends" zone. But that
doesn't stop women everywhere from claiming that's what they really want in a man. So what's the deal
here? As often seems to be the case, the true answer is a disarmingly simple one. "Nice" behavior by
a man in and of itself is not what differentiates "keepers" from the "rejects" in the minds of women.
To the contrary, it's all about HOW the man presents himself.

Why Aren't Women More (Sexually) Aggressive?' -- ThirdAge
    http://www.thirdage.com/cc/?hash=1168934722219
The short answer: You're not the only man with this problem. Many guys secretly wish that their
wives would be the sexual aggressor. It is widely believed that the woman taking charge in
bed is the second most popular male sexual fantasy. (We think you
can all guess what number one is.)    



v v v v v

   

Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next spring.



v v v v v



Two Mexicans were crossing the Sonora desert during August in an old
Ford Model "A" in which the windows we stuck in the up position.
They drove for about 20 miles and the one driving smells a foul
odor.  He says, "Hey Pedro, did you shit?"

Pedro answered, "No, Pancho, I didn't shit."

So Pancho drives another 10 miles and the smell
is getting worse by the minute.

He says "Pedro, are you sure you didn't shit?"

Pedro says, "No Pancho, I told you I didn't shit."

Pancho drives for just a few more miles and finally stops the car, gets out and goes
around and opens Pedro's door and tells him to get out of the car.

"Drop your pants!" Pedro drops his pants. Pancho says, "Goddamn it you
said that you didn't shit!"

Pedro answers "Oh, I thought you meant today." 



v v v v v

  Click here: Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml



v v v v v



Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

Under the vacuum cleaner.



v v v v v



Banker: A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and
wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Budget: A method of worrying before you spend as well as afterward.

Critic: A legless man who teaches running.

DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.

Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete.

Metalurgist: Someone who is allergic to iron.

Insurance: Paying for catastrophes on the installment plan.

Life Insurance; A contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich.

Pediatricians: Men and women of little patients.



v v v v v









v v v v v



At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first
time in fifty years.

Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children: "My son is a doctor and
he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have
three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"

Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and

so we have no grandchildren either."

Sarah says, "No children.... and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther,
what do you do for aggravation?"



v v v v v



The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who
just quit; and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of
the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.
"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I
sniff the lumber and know what type it is -- I will stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man in
front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was. Ahhhhhhhhhh..."
said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and
stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised and repeated the test with oak and redwood,
fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once. Then, getting a
sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary.
"There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him.
He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it.  I
want to confuse him.. come back here, take off all your clothes and lay
on top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood.
Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't
believe I've ever smelled wood like that before... let me take another sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again. "DAMN, I have no idea what
that is... can you turn it over?" The secretary turned over. The blind
man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.

"Well?" the foreman asked.  "What kind of wood is THAT?"

"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell,
it's the shit house door off a tuna boat."



v v v v v






XP


XP comes with a free Network Activity Light, just in case you can’t see the LEDs twinkle on
your network card. Right click on My Network Places on the desktop, then select Properties. Right click on the
description for your LAN or dial-up connection, select Properties, then check the Show icon in notification
area when connected box. You’ll now see a tiny network icon on the right of your
task bar that glimmers nicely during network traffic.



v v v v v



These three men went into business together and the first one said:

"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president
and chairman of the board."

"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm
appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."

"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner.
"What's that make me?"

The chairman said,

"I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."

"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man,

"but what does it mean?"

"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."



v v v v v



Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar
a piece for them.  Then they drove to the market and sold all their
melons for the SAME price ($1) they'd paid for them.  After counting
their money at the end of the day, they realize they ended up with no
more money than they started with.  "See!" said one.  "I told you we
shoulda got a bigger truck."



v v v v v






Click here: ES Interactive to Give Fans Inside Scoop Through Cell Phones
http://www.bicycleretailer.com/bicycleretailer/headlines/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003222562
ES Interactive announced last week that it has teamed up with WiggleWireless to offer fans the
Kona Buzz, a “fly on the wall” view of what really happens before, during and after the
Ford Ironman World Championship in Kona, Hawaii.
Triathlon insiders Paul Huddle and Wendy Ingraham will be joined by Michael Lovato,
Desiree Ficker and others to give fans the inside skinny on the place, the players and
the unique character of the Ironman World Championship.
Fans can go to www.esinteractive.net or www.wigglewireless.com to sign up for the Kona Buzz.
Text messages will be delivered to the fans Oct. 12-23 through WiggleWireless’ Mobile Media Portal.
The service is free, but standard text messaging wireless carrier fees may apply.
   
   

v v v v v



A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure
enough, when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. She
becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to
shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief. She puts the gun up
to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it."

She replies "Shut up, you're next."



v v v v v



A successful businessman became disenchanted with the stress of the
fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his
savings and purchases a large ranch in Wyoming, right in the middle of nowhere.

After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming

of hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the
man riding up on the horse.

"Hold it friend," the man says, "I'm your neighbor. I have a ranch
about 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party
I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancin',
drinkin' huggin', kissin', humpin' and fightin'.... It's gonna be a
great time!"

Not wanting to be un-neighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and
asks, "How should I dress?"

"Aw, don't matter," replied the neighbor. "Only gonna be the two of us."



v v v v v









v v v v v



The Miranda Rights For New York City


1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and
will lead to an ass-kicking.

2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at
the time of the ass-kicking.

3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of
charge, to read you your last prayer.



v v v v v



The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to
let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.



v v v v v






I like getting oral sex, but I never know
what to do with my hands. I can't put 'em
in my pockets because my pants are off. I
don't smoke, but even if I did I'd need
two cigarettes and that would look silly.
(Bill Muse)


I just found a way to have my cake and eat
it, too. It's kind of disgusting, though.
(Fanny Bright)


Don't you just hate it when you've just spent
the last 20 minutes checking out Internet porn
without getting a boner, then you suddenly
remember you just masturbated an hour ago.
You're not impotent, but you've wasted 20 minutes.
(Chris MacEachen)


If they ever made an X-rated zombie movie,
the zombies would probably screw each
other's brains out and *then* eat them.
(Kim Moser)


The health section of my newspaper had an
article titled, The Dos and Don'ts of Rectal
Bleeding. I can only speak for myself, but
I place that firmly in my "don't" category.
(Ian Dauphinee)



v v v v v



Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water.



v v v v v



When a man climbs on a woman, he hasn't long to stay,
His mind is full of nonsense, his ass is full of play.
He climbs on like a lion, and rolls off like a lamb.
And when he buttons up his pants he isn't worth a damn.
His sporting days are over, his light is burning out,
What used to be his sex appeal, is now a water spout.



v v v v v



What did one ovary say to the other one?

"Did you order any furniture?"

"No.  Why?", replied the other.

"Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ENGLANDWINSAGAIN







v v v v v



  According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families
paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. 
Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.



v v v v v



There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had  
his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this  
guy do this day after day.  

The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening  
to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.  

He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."  

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that  
for months."  



v v v v v



I overheard two children discussing their selection in
the video store. One boy took Disney's CINDERELLA off
the shelf, pointed to the drawing of the title character
on the cover, and said, "Oh, she's really good.
I saw her in ALICE IN WONDERLAND. 



v v v v v







Click here: Typo - A mind game from playwithyourmind.com -
http://www.playwithyourmind.com/play-game.php?name=Typo
This game will seriously challenge your typing abilities! 

Click here: Scopie - Games
http://www.scopie.com/games/
Lots of different games you might enjoy!

Click here: Sproink Game Download at Big Fish Games
http://www.bigfishgames.com/downloads/sproink/index.html?src=bfg12y0xenl0153
Catch and 'sproink' falling crystals to save as many Sproinklings as you can. Make your way through the Cavern
Levels toward an uncertain future on the surface of planet Sproinkus. Your skills will be tested in this unique, light-action puzzler.
Enthralling gameplay. --   Loveable characters.
            Sure  -  the first few screens are easy -- but just you wait.  I like this game!



v v v v v



*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS



A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A long
black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second
hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women
walking single file.
    
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.  She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so 
sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law.  She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."



v v v v v



Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there  
the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing  
him again.  



v v v v v






Click here: Webcam Resources for Your Mac
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/2pZc
These freeware, donationware, and shareware applications for your
Mac will help you to make the most of your webcam.



v v v v v



The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a
thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and
finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the
other red and her ass is blue.

"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't
allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.
"I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat
of paint is dry."



v v v v v



The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there
to appreciate it.




v v v v v






Click here: Vail, Colorado | Vail Lodging | Vail interactive map | Vail Ski reports and blogs | Vail news and weather | Vail R
http://www.google.com/url?sa=L&ai=BCNAVfs06ReCGK5q0aMeI_LYPs_G-EeuA1qAC4bT_BaDCHggAEA
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http://www.vail-colorado.net&sig=__fsU3MkArAYG2wxZtFrR8d8eGff4=
Welcome To Vail, Colorado.....The Winter Playland  
The attraction for vacationers from all over is the thin, aspen-cloaked Vail Valley, a narrow corridor slit by  
Interstate 70 and bounded by the rugged Gore Range to the north and the
tabled Sawatch escarpments to the south. Through it all runs the sparkling Eagle River.  

The resorts begin just west of Vail Pass, a saddle well below treeline, and stretch 20 mi through the communities  
of Vail Village, Eagle-Vail, Minturn, Avon, Beaver Creek, Arrowhead, and Edwards. The hub of activity in winter and  
summer revolves around Vail Village, but many vacationers will spend time dining, skiing, and shopping in the other  
towns. The vibe in these places varies dramatically, from Beaver Creek, a gated community of second (and probably
third) megahomes; to Edwards, a rapidly growing worker town; to Vail Village, filled with styles of lodging,  
dining, and shopping appealing to a wide range of tastes.  


--DESTINATION: Vail, Colorado  

In winter, this region is famous for the glittering resorts of Vail and Beaver Creek. Between these two areas, skiers  
and snowboarders have almost 7,000 acres at their disposal including the unforgettable Back Bowls far
beyond the noise of I-70 traffic.  

In summer, these resorts are great bases from which you can explore the high country by foot, horseback, raft, or  
bike. But take heed, all trails go up. Some trails are designated for bikers, others for hikes, and many for both.  
Always remember that bikers should yield to hikers, though in practice it's considered courteous to let them blow by.  
In addition, there are hundreds of miles of trails weaving through the White River National Forest. Warm-weather  
weekends are filled with an exciting range of cultural events, including performances by groups such as the New  
York Philharmonic and the Bolshoi Ballet.  



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This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie
neighbor, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him
feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten
chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to
himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he
went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man When
he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup

and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself.
Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with
other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At
his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's
big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm
sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy
Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face. The Chinese man
looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are
actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, you
have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."
 


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Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long

walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a
parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just
asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing*
around here opens on a Sunday!"



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  Connect2Cupid - Where singles become couples Speed Dater
Cupid Nights - for high quality on-line dating 
Soulmates Online Dating Service



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The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
over and put it back in your pocket.



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   A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. 
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in
case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as

food, matches, etc.  Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring
with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction,
the water is to prevent dehydration."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir,  as soon as you start playing Solitaire,
some asshole is bound to come up behind you and say,
"Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"



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ActiveX Controls


ActiveX controls are software components used by web pages to allow your browser to do something
with the page, much like a Java applet. They make the website more interactive and program-like. For
example, a page might have an ActiveX control to allow viewers to see a working excel spreadsheet in
a webpage. Like any piece of technology, the bad guys sometimes create pages with malicious ActiveX components.
That threat is why warning messages sometimes appear across the top of your browser warning you that a page
uses ActiveX controls. If you trust the page's authors and want to see the active
content, click on the warning message for options



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Syntax:   All the money collected at the church from sinners.



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Back in the 60's, Lederle (pronounced: led-rr-lee)
Laboratories, a leading drug company, would have the same
prefix for many of their trademarked drugs.  They were
all prefixed with Leder: Ledercillian, Ledermycin,
Lederject, Ledercort, Lederfolin, Ledertrexate and so on.
   
They even came up with a birth control drug....called it
   
Lederalone.



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NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and
ain't going to get none.



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I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes,
they'd come up sliced.



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  Click here: Friendship Secrets
http://www.mamarocks.com/friendship_secrets.htm

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: A Smile...
http://www.my-tgif.com/Smile.htm
Send a smile to a friend

2. Click here: A Friend
http://www.goodtimes2.com/a_friend.htm

*submitted by*
Dadjr47
Click here: ~ A Hug 4 U ~
http://www.creationsfromtheheart.biz/ahug4u.html




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They call it golf because all the other four-letter words
were taken.



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The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a
girl like a book, your library card has expired.



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Two families move from Afghanistan to America.

When they arrive, the fathers make each other a rather large bet -- in a year's time, whichever
family has become more American will win.  A year later when they meet again, the first       
guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way
to pick up a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "Fuck you, Towel-head!"




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"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.
I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the
Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"



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A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long
life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and
lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children,
28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole
in the wall of the crematorium.



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Click here: emailStripper download and review - remove forwarding characters from emails from SnapFiles
http://www.snapfiles.com/get/emstripper.html
emailStripper is a free program for cleaning the ">" and other formatting characters out of your emails.
It will restore "forwarded" or "replied" emails back to their original state so they're easier to read. Just paste
the entire email into the eMailStripper window and press the StripIt button.

Click here: Chaoscope > Gallery
http://www.btinternet.com/~ndesprez/gallery.htm
Chaoscope is a 3D strange attractors rendering software. Below is a sample of pictures
rendered by the program. You can check the Gallery to see more examples of what Chaoscope can do.
It is an ongoing project ; the current version is 0.3.1. It is a freeware running on the Windows™ platform.

Click here: Flickr: The Wallpapers (1024x768 minimum) Pool
http://www.flickr.com/groups/wallpapers/pool/
Choose from a good selection of wallpapers for your computer! 
   


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A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next
to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a
man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."



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We bank tellers receive a lot of sweets as gifts from our
customers around the holidays.  One morning at breakfast, I
was telling my husband that the bank employees had the
potential to gain weight on the job.

"Yeah," my husband said slyly, "you're all going to turn
into 'teller tubbies'."




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Click here: How to Wax Your Car - Simple Steps
http://www.automedia.com/Waxing/HowTo/ccr20040901wh/1
A wonderful article on the steps to take when washing your car - or do like me and take it to the professionals  LOL

Click here: Choosing Tire Chains for Your Car - Cables, Links, Zs, Diamonds and other options
http://www.automedia.com/Choosing/Tire/Chains/ccr20011201tc/1
People who live in snow country are all too familiar with tire chains. They know the agony of painful fingers
experienced when installing chains in a blizzard. Many other drivers only deal with chains during occasional
ski trips. "Chain laws in effect" prompts people to buy tire chains, then hope they won't actually have to install them



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An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season
decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a
previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You
know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter.
"I can only serve one table at a time."



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Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes," said the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."  The woman began to sob, dropped the club, and put
her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times ..... just put me down for a five."




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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom
was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She quietly asked, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"



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A few weeks ago in Washington, funeral services were held for former
president Gerald  Ford and all the living Presidents were there.

President Carter called Ford  'a wonderful man;'

President Clinton called him a 'true American;'

and President Bush called Ford 'the man who
invented the automobile.




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*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: http://www.tropicalglen.com/Jukebox/1958Top/playlist.html
http://www.tropicalglen.com/Jukebox/1958Top/playlist.html
Some real oldies - do you remember any of these?

Click here: End of an Era: Former Radio DJ & TV Host Dick Clark to Sell Memorabilia
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZdB
End of an Era: Former Radio DJ & TV Host Dick Clark to Sell Memorabilia
The International Herald Tribune reports: "Fifty years after his first appearance on the show that became
known as 'American Bandstand,' Dick Clark is ready to let go of the microphone. The famed host is auctioning
off a number of items from his personal collection of musical memorabilia, including the microphone he used
beginning on July 9, 1956 — his first day on the rock 'n' roll show that made him famous." (Photo Credit: © ABC
Television) According to a report in The New York Times, Clark says the auction will include a bass
guitar Paul McCartney played in The Beatles, a guitar from Bruce Springsteen, another made for Clark by Bo Diddley,
platinum records from The Beatles, a bustier Madonna wore, a harmonica Bob Dylan played, and much more.



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Mr. Maxwell, the Founder/President of Maxwell House was killed in an 
unfortunate accident.  Mr. Maxwell was an avid sky-diver, and during a recent jump
his parachute failed to open.  He was killed on impact.
 
His friends remember the fact that he was an INCREDIBLY pleasant, nice man
before his fatal jump.  And so, on his tombstone they inscribed:  "Mr. Maxwell
--  good to the last drop."




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HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it
might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say
anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow
going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate
so we could talk more privately. So we went to this
restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying
to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or
something else.

I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love
him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what
the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back
or anything.  We finally get back to his place and I'm
wondering if he's going to dump me!

So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after
about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still
seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. 

I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean,
do you think he's met someone else?

HIS STORY:

Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.



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Q: Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?

A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.




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*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
Here are the latest exercises approved by the Heart Association
CLICK EACH 1 BELOW (Allow proper time for exercises to work)
Exercise 1
Exercise 2
Exercise 3
Exercise 4
Exercise 5

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56

Click here: http://www.callme.nm.ru/
http://www.callme.nm.ru/
Type something in the box shown  hehe

Click here: How Big Is He? - A Funny Picture from Tiggy's Rib-Ticklers!
http://www.tiggysribticklers.com/tig1897.htm

Click here: The Happy Warrior! - Another Rib-Tickler from Tiggy's Rib-Ticklers!
http://www.tiggysribticklers.com/tig859.htm

Click here: Sexual Jump Start! - More Humor from Tiggy's Rib-Ticklers!
http://www.tiggysribticklers.com/tig1549.htm



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Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control



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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind



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©1999 - 2006 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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