Editor:  DebsSweet
Graphic Editors:  Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet









Hey!


Getting tired of some of the same old jokes?  Well, I am too!  I purchased a LOT of joke books
and hope to find some new material so bear with me please!

Should your pet wear clothes?  You'll find the answer to this in the PETS section below!

Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 








"You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy
with buns of cinnamon."



Ellen DeGeneres



v v v v v



I want to reach your mind.

Where is it currently located?



v v v v v



Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Let her find out
on her own that she's made a really bad mistake.



v v v v v







*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: One Little Moment
http://www.spiritisup.com/onelittlemomentlh.html
Beautiful!

Click here: The Price Of Love
http://www.spiritisup.com/priceoflove.html

Click here: Love Soul Mate
http://lovesoulmate.us/Site/?a=GoogleSiteLove&gclid=CKeQu8Hm-ogCFSFWPgod4wwLHQ
Enter your details to find out the name of your Love Soul Mate and receive
your horoscopes! (based on your name and date of birth)!    



v v v v v



Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife
was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing
doctor for an hour?'...That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Heck, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"



v v v v v



Politics is a dirty business. And with Hillary Clinton announcing
that she is running for president, Republicans are already digging
up dirt on her. And they found out that she once slept with Bill Clinton.



v v v v v



The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued
a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of
her baby-doll nightgown. He had carried her in his arms down
three flights of stairs.

As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him
with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must
have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way
you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off
three other firemen who were trying to get to you."




v v v v v







Help!  I've lost a file, and I can't find it!
annoyances.org


Intended For   
Windows XP  Windows 2000
Windows Me  Windows 98  Windows 95   
   

It may have been inadvertently saved or moved to your Fonts folder.
Explorer will only see font files in that folder; even Find won't be able to find it.
Try using the command prompt to locate and move the file.

   
   
v v v v v

   

Girls you know you're on a bad date when:
You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't
Rockefeller,honey."




v v v v v




Men are like Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell




v v v v v



   The Top 9 Rejected First Lines For An Online Personal Ad


9> 43 y.o. SWM seeking SWF same age, non-smoker, employed, no
  kids, not divorced, virgin. Must accept close relationship with mother.

8> W/E TS DWF ISO SALT SINK.

7> Fat older male seeks SAF to relive the better parts of my
  Vietnam experience.

6> Southern Baptist looking for prim, proper, wholesome female
  for potential long-term relationship. I'll supply the yak,
  rubber tubing, and Yanni cassettes.

5> F ISO MasterCard.

4> SWF seeks psychotic WF roommate to subsume life, trick
  boyfriend. TVs acceptable.

3> Single Southern Male with clean white hood....

2> ISO RPG involving strange foods and whimsical rhyming, SAM I am.


        and the Number 1 Rejected First Line For An Online Personal Ad...


1> BDSM male seeks like-minded partner to share in purchase of
  Cubs season tickets.




v v v v v









v v v v v



Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax
collectors, and miss.



v v v v v



Paul was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this
drop dead gorgeous woman. He couldn't help but just stare at her, so
much so that his mouth dropped open and he was drooling.

The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her outfit.

She said, "Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"

Paul replied, "No, ma'am. Actually,  to be honest, I rather enjoy them."



v v v v v



Q: Why did bin Laden kill one of his wives?

A: He peeped up her skirt and saw Bush.



v v v v v







GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Friendsarelikeangels
http://www.bittybitznpieces.com/Friendsarelikeangels.htm

Click here: Colors
http://www.spiritisup.com/colors.html

*submitted by*
Wdavisga
Click here: ~*~ Creddy RX ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/creddyrxyc.html



v v v v v



"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack
Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much
rhymes with Obama."



Conan O'Brien




v v v v v



"I got some details on Lindsay Lohan's rehab facilities.  They have
an onsite gourmet chef, personal trainers, beauty consultants,
swimming pools, yoga, meditation... but you're only allowed
to leave to go to work, parties, weddings, and Lake Havasu for
spring break. I was planning to take a trip to Cabo San Lucas
this summer, but now, I'm thinking maybe I'll become an alcoholic instead."



Jimmy Kimmel



v v v v v









v v v v v



NASA released photos of Mars showing hillside gullies that indicate
the presence of water on the Red Planet. Water by itself isn't
enough to sustain life. If NASA wants to get serious funding
they're going to have to find signs of alcohol.



v v v v v



A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can
you do anything to help me doc?" said the man.

"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short
attention span," replied the doctor.



v v v v v





Click here: Shop'NCook Shopping List & Recipe Manager - Free Software Downloads and Software Reviews - Download.com
http://dw.com.com/redir?pid=10560507&merid=6262294&mfgid=6262294&ltype=dl_elite_gen&lop=linktitle&edId=
3&siteId=4&oId=3150-2126_4-10560507&ontId=2126_4&destUrl=http://www.download.com%2FShop-N
Cook-Shopping-List-Recipe-Manager%2F3000-2126_4-10560507.html&tag=lst-0-3
Smart recipe organizer combined with a grocery list manager. Recipes are easily added by typing
them in, pasting them from the clipboard, or importing directly from the Internet: no formatting is necessary.
The wizard interprets the recipes, links them to the large database of grocery items and yields the nutritional analysis
automatically. The powerful scaling tool lets you scale the ingredients and the text of your recipes, make automatic
ingredient substitutions and unit conversions. The ingredients of the recipes are converted to your preferred
shopping units and added to a collating grocery list with a click.  More features!

Click here: InterfaceLIFT
http://interfacelift.com/
Welcome to InterfaceLIFT, your source for graphical user interface enhancements for Mac OS X,
Microsoft Windows, and Linux. We specialize in desktop wallpaper, icons, themes, and news with a focus
on community. New content is posted virtually every day so make sure to bookmark us and come back often.

Click here: Pixelgirl Presents Free Icons, Desktops and Gallery Shop!
http://www.pixelgirlpresents.com/desktops.php
Enjoy the highest quality desktops on the web! **Please note that these desktop images are
owned by the artist and can NOT be redistributed without permission. You MUST get written permission
by the artists to use ANY of these desktops for anything other than personal desktop use
   
   

v v v v v

   

A funny story is told about General George Patton from his World War
II days. He once accepted an invitation to dine at a press camp in
Africa. Wine was served in canteen cups but, thinking he was served
coffee, Patton poured cream into his cup. As he stirred in sugar,
Patton was warned that his cup contained red wine and not coffee.

Now, General Patton could never, never be wrong. Without hesitating
he replied, "I know. I like my wine this way."



v v v v v



People who research these kinds of things claim that the more
time you spend surfing the web the shorter your attentions span
gets. They claim that the attention span of heavy internet users
has dropped to about nine seconds -- the same attention span as
that of a.....sorry, lost interest...



v v v v v



I gave my fiancee one of those blood diamonds
on an engagement ring -- although, technically, there
wasn't any blood on it until after I slept
with her sister and asked for the ring back.




v v v v v






Click here: Remove Brake Dust - Prevention and Cleaning
http://www.automedia.com/Waging/War/on/Brake/Dust/ccr20030101bd/1
Nothing looks worse than a clean, shiny vehicle cruising down the street with the front wheels caked
with brake dust. The stuff is hard to get off. Commercial car washes don't seem to budge the gummy
brake deposits unless you opt for the optional five-dollar wheel service, and they build up again in less than
500 miles. Scrubbing the dust off by hand looses its appeal fairly quickly too, especially if your
wheels have a lot of nooks and crannies such as mesh-type cast wheels.



v v v v v



A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.
As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait.
And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you Please."

Intrigued, the man said,  "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar
Space Travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc .

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would
try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What  is your IQ,sir?" This time the man  answered,
"Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball
scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,


"A-R-e??  Y-O-U?? P-e-O-p-l-e?? G-O-I-n-G??   T-O

n-O-m-I-n-a-t-e????  H-i-l-l-a-R-y?"



v v v v v









v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he
waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped
by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She
asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm
is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you
put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under
each arm and carry the  goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says
"Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The  little old lady looked him over cautiously then 
said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
  up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of  the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."



v v v v v









v v v v v



Signs You're Watching Too Much Football


10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players,you tear the
cartilage in your knee
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip
5. During sex, you use a play clock
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden

1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion



v v v v v



Did you hear about the nurse who couldn't swim?

They found her under the doc.



v v v v v



Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while
rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my
mother-in-law, and she *still* doesn't agree with me!"



v v v v v



Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"




v v v v v






Click here: Oldies Music History
http://clk.about.com/?zi=3/1Vi/2a&sdn=search&cdn=specials&tm=7&gps=68_114_1161_833&f=00&tt=0&b
t=0&bts=1&zu=http%3A//oldies.about.com/od/oldieshistory/index.htm%3Fterms%3Dmusic
The history of rock and roll, R&B and other Fifties music - and how it developed into the world's most popular music form!

Click here: YesButNoButYes: Lunch Hour Veg
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2006/10/lunch_hour_veg_16.html
Great musicians who died in plane crashes

Click here: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Chooses 2007 Inductees
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BPi
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has announced its 2007 inductees. The 600-member Rock Hall selection
committee has chosen several people.  The new Rock Hall members will be inducted in a ceremony at New York's
Waldorf-Astoria Hotel on March 12, 2007. There is usually a simulcast broadcast and party at the Rock
and Roll Hall of Fame, but no plans have yet been announced.



v v v v v



JULIE ANDREWS SONG


Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall

"Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string, 
These are a few of my favorite things..

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, 
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, 
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin', 
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad."



v v v v v



Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10 (1 to screw it and 9 to form the support group
   to justify why there were no sexual implications in the act of screwing).



v v v v v

Kiss on the Lips
2 oz bourbon whiskey
6 oz apricot nectar
Stir ingredients in a collins glass filled with
ice cubes. Add a straw, and serve.


Fucked on the Floor
2 oz vodka
2 oz triple sec
1 oz Malibu coconut rum
1 oz peach brandy
1 splash cranberry juice
1 splash lemon juice
2 splashes orange juice
2 splashes pineapple juice
First, begin with 2 shots of vodka and triple sec
in your glass. Then add 1 shot of peach brandy
and Malibu coconut rum. Add 1 splash of lemon and
cranberry juices. Next, add the 2 splashes of
orange juice and top with 2 of pineapple juice.
Mix well and serve on ice and you have a
drink that everyone can enjoy.



v v v v v

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life


1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too
   soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush,
   always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but
   keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

v v v v v



Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.  Helen said,
"Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run
down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I
have to know: what's your secret?" "My secret? Every morning,
without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp." "You wake up at
six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go
back to sleep for another four hours."



v v v v v







Click here: Ms. Dewey
http://www.msdewey.com/
familiar with Google, Yahoo! and MSN.
They're all good. But they can be a little impersonal. Maybe you'd like to add personality to your searches.
Then visit Ms. Dewey. I assume that's a play on the Dewey decimal system, which is used to catalog books.
Enter your search terms. You'll get a box of results through which you can scroll. All the while, Ms. Dewey makes comments.
She's a bit annoying at times  LOL

Click here: Charity Navigator - America's Largest Charity Evaluator
http://www.charitynavigator.org/
Charity Navigator, America's premier independent charity evaluator, works to advance a more
efficient and responsive philanthropic marketplace by evaluating the financial health of America's largest charities.

*submitted by*
WaltWiso
Click here: Video jerome murat - seg, murat - Dailymotion Partagez Vos Videos
http://www.dailymotion.com/visited/search/jerome%20murat/video/xf9oo_jerome
This is an amazing video --- I hope you won't miss it!

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: BadSpelling.com - Online Spelling Test
http://www.badspelling.com/
Take the spelling quizzes below to find out how bad of a speller you really are.
Then compare your results with others who have taken the same quiz.
   
Click here: Better fonts - over 10,000 fonts for free!
http://betterfonts.com/
The user-friendly font site

Click here: Ultra High Security Password Generator
http://windowssecrets.com/links/q8y3fdwgdipzd/c392ach/
Generating long, high-quality random passwords is not simple.  So here is some totally random raw
material, generated just for YOU, to start with  What makes these perfect and safe?
Every one is completely random (maximum entropy) without any pattern, and the
cryptographically-strong pseudo random number generator we use guarantees
that no similar strings will ever be produced again   

Click here: Oodle - Search local online classifieds
http://www.oodle.com/
The search engine for local classifieds

*submitted by*
KP1983
Click here: STRANGE BUILDINGS
http://sombra5.lbbhost.com/americanoddities.html
Very strange buildings in America

Click here: Crime Library: crime stories on serial killers, the mafia,
terrorists, spies, assassins and gangsters
http://www.crimelibrary.com/
Court TV - criminal minds and methods.  Serial killings,
notorious muder cases and more

Click here: clock
http://billychasen.com/clock/
Another cool clock -- made with people

v v v v v


Lymph (v.), to walk with a  lisp.



v v v v v



I'm going to try the Atkins diet in 2003, because my end no
longer justifies the jeans.



v v v v v



My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.  The other day
she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.



v v v v v







I Have Heard You Calling In The Night
by Thomas Healy


Glasgow-based novelist Healy makes his U.S. debut with an ode  to his dog, "a gift from God,
to keep me in the world."The author spent his  early adult years roaming around Scotland, drinking,
brawling, writing short  stories, drinking, generally batching it, and, oh yes, drinking. Then, on a 
lark, he adopted a Doberman named Martin and the two becomegood friends.

I didn't enjoy this book - I didn't particularly care for the  way this author writes
(it's his first book) - and the story didn't seem plausible although he
says it is a biography.  If you want to read a book about
dogs, don't forget "Marley and Me" -- it was fantastic!



v v v v v



My great-grandmother was a strong woman. She buried three husbands.
And two of them were only napping!



v v v v v



It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said,
"We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand.
I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said,

"It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."




v v v v v











v v v v v



*Top 5 Reasons Hillary Clinton is Running for President*


5) Who can afford those property taxes in Chappaqua?

4) She's pretty sure she left her good pair of earrings somewhere in the
Lincoln Bedroom

3) It's not like she could possibly screw up worse than the last two guys in
the White House

2) Running for the Democratic nomination is the best way to stalk Barack
Obama without anyone noticing

1) Someone needs to pardon Bill



v v v v v



One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the
unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they
didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist
there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later,
the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help
again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked
for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a
gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at
the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that
gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the
whole house!!"



v v v v v



SMOREPLAY: What Smurfs do before they smuck.



v v v v v



There are three things a skier needs... green money,
white snow and Blue Cross.



v v v v v







Click here: Bot nets likely behind jump in spam
http://www.securityfocus.com/news/11420
A significant rise in the global volume of spam in the past two months has security analysts worried that bot
nets are increasingly being used by spammers to stymie network defenses erected to curtail bulk e-mail.

Click here: Why Am I Getting All This Spam?
http://www.cdt.org/speech/spam/030319spamreport.shtml
Every day, millions of people receive dozens of unsolicited commercial e-mails (UCE), known popularly
as "spam." Some users see spam as a minor annoyance, while others are so overwhelmed with spam that they
are forced to switch e-mail addresses. This has led many Internet users to wonder: How did these people get my e-mail address?
In the summer of 2002, CDT embarked on a project to attempt to determine the source of spam. To do so,
we set up hundreds of different e-mail addresses, used them for a single purpose, and then waited six months
to see what kind of mail those addresses were receiving. It should come as no surprise to most e-mail users that many
of the addresses CDT created for this study attracted spam, but it is very interesting to see the different ways that
e-mail addresses attracted spam -- and the different volumes -- depending on where the e-mail addresses were used.
The results offer Internet users insights about what online behavior results in the most spam.
The results also debunk some of the myths about spam.



v v v v v



There are stupid
people everywhere!!  Here's proof!


1. Don't tell me you have abdominal pain as you eat doritos in my triage booth.

2. If you come to the ER by ambulance, the first thing I will ask you is how
you are getting home. No, we don't have people on staff to drive you home,
and don't tell me you don't want to "bother" one of your family members at
this hour. You had no problem bothering 911 for the back pain you've had for 3 months.

3. You don't get to pick your own IV site. This will irritate me and I will probably
miss your IV on purpose and start your site in the place I wanted to initially
to prove a point

4. "Butterfly" is not an IV size, this word signals me to put in a larger
bore needle.

5. Nausea is not a reason to come to the ER. If you are not in severe pain,
are not vomiting or pooping your pants in front of me, your butt goes back
to the waiting room.

6. How can you have the worst migraine of your life, but be able to yell at me
about the wait after you just put down a magazine you were reading?

7. Don't ever say things like, "I usually get 4 mg of Dilaudid". Requesting your
med and dosage will prompt me to squirt out half of the med before I inject,
then I lie about the dose.

8. If you are allergic to Tylenol, Toradol, and Motrin, I have already
assumed you are a drug seeker.

9. If you came to the ER having a family doctor appointment that same day, I
will make sure you are still in the department well past the time of your original appointment.

10. I don't care if you are neighbors with the GI specialist. Unless he drove
you to the ER himself, you can't be that friendly.

11. Just because, "my doctor sent me here", does not mean you get right
back to a treatment room. This tells me you are a pain in the ass, and he's
pawning you off.

12. The louder you moan/whine, the bigger size IV needle you get.

13. Foley catheters cure pseudo-seizures. They also cure intoxicated persons.

14. If you are on more than 2 medicines at home, bring a list. Don't say,
"you know, the little white pill". I am not a pharmacist.

15. RN is not synonymous with waiter/waitress.

16. Don't bitch about missing breakfast when I'm on the ninth hour of my
shift and haven't peed yet.

17. What gives you the right to complain about your sore throat for a week
while I have diarrhea from the antibiotics I've been taking for pneumonia?

18. Broken toes are not an emergency. We'll make you feel stupid by putting
a little piece of tape down there and kicking you out.

19. I am currently inventing a trapdoor system in triage to be triggered
when you say the word "toothache".

20. Cover you mouth when you cough/belch. This is just common courtesy.
When you neglect to do this, I am tempted to bust butt in your room, then
close the door.

21. If you tell me you have fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome, know that
I'm rolling my eyes and thinking you're a loser.

22. If you list Haldol, Geodon, Xanax, and trazadone as allergies, don't
tell me you have no psych history.

23. Never sign in with chest pain because you were too embarrassed to write
"penile sores" or "foul smelling discharge". This will piss me off that I bumped
you ahead of other people and I'll make your visit horrific.

24. Although you've been in the ER four times this week, you cannot list the
ER doc as your family physician.

25. Do not talk to me while I'm trying to listen to your lungs.

26. Don't tell me you have no money for medicine while you have a carton of
cigarettes in your purse (next to your cell phone), and each of your seven
children are playing their own PSP's.



v v v v v




*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS







v v v v v



I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this
morning. It said, "Whats the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty
fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."



v v v v v



Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would
   you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?

A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of
   your pint than to forget where you left it!



v v v v v



Kentucky Scientists discover new use for sheep.

WOOL.



v v v v v






Click here: Grandma's Cookbook - Authentic Texas and Southwestern Recipes
http://www.texascooking.com/cookbook.htm
Over 500 kitchen-tested recipes and articles

*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
Click here: Complete Recipes - OVER 151,000 Recipes!
http://www.completerecipes.com/

*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
submitted b Click here: CookingByNumbers.com
http://www.cookingbynumbers.com/frames.html
Welcome to Cooking By Numbers, are you ready to cook?.....Get clicking on what you've got and we'll show
you what you can cook.....Don't worry, Skills By Numbers will make you look great in the kitchen..... Can't make
up your mind about what to cook? Click I feel lucky as well..... Want to email something tasty to a friend?
Send an e-card.... Don't forget to feedback- we want to hear from you.
   


v v v v v



Come Ons And Come Backs


      Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
      Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.
      Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls
      you a fat slut.

      Man : Is this seat empty?
      Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
      Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking
      on my cock.

      Man: Your place or mine?
      Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
      Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in
      the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

      Man: So, what do you do for a living?
      Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
      Man: So that's how you got that little moustache

      Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
      Woman: Unfertilized
      Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.

      Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
      Woman: But would you stay there?
      Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch
      that's impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.

      Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
      Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
      Man: That works for me....as long as you are still a bit
      warm when I shove it in ya.



v v v v v



Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from Ohio  State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus



v v v v v



Mary went to an antiques store and bought a small, old-fashioned,
kerosene lantern. But when she got it home, she found it infested
with small albino insects that had recently vacated their former
home on a feline. So what did Mary actually have?

Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow.



v v v v v

  Click here: Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml



v v v v v



James Brown's body rested in state on the stage at the Apollo
Theater in Harlem. The sad part? Even though he was dead,
Brown still performed on stage better than Kevin Federline.



v v v v v



What's the difference between Congress and the Library of Congress?

In The Library of Congress, they don't let you lick the pages



v v v v v



The Top 12 Nudist Pickup Lines


12> "Hey, is that a roll of quarters in... er, never mind. 
     That's not a pocket, is it?"

11> "Oh, look!  Somebody must have dropped a $20 bill there
     on the ground in front of you!"

10> "Hey, Tan Lines, new around here?"

9> "Ever seen a guy do no-handed pushups?"

8> "Excuse me, were those Bugle Boy jeans?"

7> "Nice melanoma!"

6> "My other penis is a Porsche."

5> "Damn, you'd look great in a wet T-shirt."

4> "Boy, I'd sure like to get into *YOUR* pants!
     Figuratively speaking, of course..."

3> "Did you just wake up or are you glad to see me?"

2> "Did I mention that I'm President of the United States?"


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Nudist Pickup Line...


1> "I see where Joe Camel gets his good looks!"



v v v v v



President Gerald Ford passed away at 93. Ford became President in
1973 when things were very different, conflict in the middle east
caused gas prices to rise, the Rolling Stones were on tour and
Sylvester Stallone was planning to launch a movie about a boxer
named Rocky Balboa.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
GuffieBaby



Why We Love Children!



1) NUDITY
            I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!  As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS
            On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
             A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang
so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone
to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
            A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.  The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
            While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl
about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a policeman?"
            "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
            "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
            "Yes, that's right," I told her.
            "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
            It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,
my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
            "It sure is," I replied.
            Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
            While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds.              She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances
of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

            One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP
            A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."  "And why not, darling?"
            "You know that it always gives you a head ache the next morning."

9) DEATH
            While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that
nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto
the Sonnn, and into the hole he go-o-o-es." (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
            A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to
her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won’t let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
            A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
            He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf had been pressed in between the pages.
            "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
            "What have you got there, dear?"
            With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think its Adam’s underwear!"
            


v v v v v







You can start up without needing to enter a user name or password.


Select Run… from the start menu and type ‘control userpasswords2', which will open the user accounts application.
On the Users tab, clear the box for Users Must Enter A User Name And Password To Use This Computer, and click
on OK. An Automatically Log On dialog box will appear; enter the user name
and password for the account you want to use.


Click here: Microsoft Windows Family Home Page
http://www.microsoft.com/windows/default.mspx
Are you ready for Windows Vista?



v v v v v



*submitted by*
FL R2D2


A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife
went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever
had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, an entire
laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around
the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
M Dubya M








v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked
whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a
serious problem:

35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seria."



v v v v v



I was a New York state employee and after nine years of dedicated
service they fired me for no reason.  One day they just marched into
my office, woke me up, and told me to go home.



v v v v v



I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning
experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid
I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid



v v v v v









Click here: PlayStation chip set for mobile phones News - PC Advisor
http://www.pcadvisor.co.uk/news/index.cfm?newsid=7285
The Cell processor sits at the heart of the PlayStation 3, the most powerful game console yet developed,
and a high-performance computer from IBM. Now Toshiba wants to put that
power into mobile devices and mobile phones.

Click here: HANDS FREE CELL PHONES - WCPO.com
http://www.wcpo.com/wcpo/localshows/dontwasteyourmoney/c777913.html
Do you drive and talk on your cell phone at the same time?
Then I want to tell you about something that could make you, your family, and drivers around you much safer.
It's called Bluetooth technology .
It lets you talk on your cell phone with a tiny wireless headset.
Busy moms like Lara Dicorpo love it, because it eliminates fumbling for a cell phone while youre driving.
You just press a button on your ear to take calls and talk.

Our partner, Consumer Reports magazine, recommends Jabra's Bluetooth earpieces at 80 or 120 dollars, or the
Motorola 120 dollars.However, you also need a Bluetooth compatible phone.
   


v v v v v



Did you hear about the proctologist who went to see the psychiatrist
about his depression?

He'd been feeling down in the dumps!



v v v v v



Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare at a burly biker
wearing a black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a
shocking pink Harley. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink
Harley?  I wonder if he's..."

Just then the traffic cleared, and he pulled up in front of me. On the
back of his jacket were stenciled the words, "Yes, it is. No, I'm not."



v v v v v



Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served  
him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"  

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night  
my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later  
on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."  

"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds  
like quite a gift to me."  

"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home  
to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."  



v v v v v



Distress, n. A disease incurred by the exposure to the  
prosperity of a friend.  



v v v v v






Cruising  Antarctica


Got a hankering to head to the bottom of the earth? Got  a
hankering to see waddling penguins, towering icebergs,  giant
albatrosses, and more seals than you can count? A tour of  the
Great White Continent may be for you, visiting scientific
research  stations and islands reachable only by small landing craft.

Most  Antarctica cruises depart from Ushuaia, Argentina, although
some sail from  ports in Chile or from Port Stanley in the
Falkland Islands. The cruise  season is January and February, and
the offerings mostly range from 8 to 15  nights.

Adventure cruise pioneer Lars-Eric Lindblad was the first  to
bring travelers to the southern end of the world in 1965, and  the
company his son founded, Lindblad Expeditions, maintains a  big
presence here, frequently visiting Lindblad Cove, named  for
Lars-Eric in honor of his achievements. Upscale tour  operator
Abercrombie & Kent [ http://www.abercrombiekent.com/  ],
extreme adventure operator Quark Expeditions
[  http://www.quarkexpeditions.com/ ], Norwegian Coastal Voyage
[  http://www.coastalvoyage.com/ ], and Orient Lines
[  http://www.orientlines.com/ ] all cruise here as well, as do
Clipper Cruise  Line, Holland America, and Radisson Seven Seas Cruises.

For more  information like this, get a copy of Cruise Vacations
For Dummies, 2006  Edition
[  http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764598309
.html?cid=etipBookLink  ],by Heidi Sarna and Matt Hannafin.



v v v v v



One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The
father asked "What is the Gross National Product?" The little boy
pondered for a minute and replied "Spinach?"



v v v v v



A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite
mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time
later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his
prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the
astrologer and commanded him: "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him
immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I
will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die,
the king will die three days later."



v v v v v







v v v v v



It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum,
whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to
go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering, and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk shit .. than to drink water
and be full of shit.



v v v v v



Party Tips for the Moderation Challenged:


10) Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper
thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there, classy-chick.

9) The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU
think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really
cared, YOU would be president. So just move along, smarty-pants.

8) Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the
evening. It works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to
look that particular gift horse in the mouth. Just stick to the
cheese and be grateful.

7) Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab
and sent home. Translation: know your address, or at least have
it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some
cab fare.

6) Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the
bottle. (Use a glass, just this once.)

5) If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit
BONANZA. Pace yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you
realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy.  If your party
is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can
get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends.
If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only
December 31st - you can get a new job at a company that will at
least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez - it's New
Years. Tight-asses!

4) Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think
of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have
talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next
day! (Oh...sure, I had 10 beers, but you'd think SHE'D at least
slow down after number 11... duh?!?)

3) If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep
your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for
you. Bye bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you
in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal.)

2) Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within
6 inches of your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you
find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for
crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky.

1) Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with
your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.



v v v v v





I don't see what's the big deal about
electric cars. Sure, you don't pay for
gas, but just think of all that cable you
have to wind up on your way back home.
(Mickey Rogers)


By devoting years of my life to sitting quietly
by myself, I've finally become one with the world,
if by "world" we mean several hundred bags of corn
chips and this couch. I'm also content to just "be"
with the remote, but that's icing on the cake.
(Joseph Moore)

                            
My wife thinks I'm obsessive about spring cleaning,
but who the hell can sleep without knowing the
mattress is spotless inside and as well as out?
(Damian Krebs)



v v v v v



"The first thing I did after being hired as the director of learning
technology at a high school was to change the sign outside my door
-- the one that had my name followed by the acronym D.O.L.T."



v v v v v



"According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can improve
your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword puzzles, eating
more fish ? I can't remember all that."



Dave Letterman




v v v v v



Scientists are saying that if global warming doesn't stop the
oceans could rise as much as four and a half feet. One thing
all scientists can agree on is that Gary Coleman is going to drown.




v v v v v








  Click here: Jay is Games: Click Drag Type
http://fizzlebot.com/cdt2.php
Ten separate mind-bending puzzles to tax your brain. Each puzzle is independent and there are no
instructions. You need to experiment by clicking the mouse, dragging the mouse,
and typing on the keyboard to solve the puzzles

Click here: Dyson UK -
http://www.dyson.co.uk/game/playgame.asp?sinavtype=menu
Telescope game -- 25 different levels - see how far you can go    

  Click here: Find five errors
http://teppo.tv/pelisali/index_en.html
See how good you are at spotting the five differences in the pictures

Click here: Joytube.com - Games
http://www.joytube.com/
There are a lot of games here that you might like

Click here: playwithyourmind.com - original online word games, logic puzzles, iq tests and other mind games
http://www.playwithyourmind.com/
Welcome to playwithyourmind.com, home to a fast-growing collection of word games, typing games, logic puzzles
and other mind games / IQ tests. If this is your first time visiting, consider reading through the site overview, taking a site tour
or browsing the site FAQ before diving into the collection of over 50 original online games.
playwithyourmind.com has games to challenge and enrich your mind. As you explore the different options, your brain will be challenged
in all sorts of ways, from visual memory puzzles and dynamic search challenges to motor acquisiton tasks and speed/reflex
games. Play with letters, numbers, images, sounds, time and space!
You can browse the games by choosing one of the colored category buttons and you can also check out
the top games and the latest games as posted below.




v v v v v



The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary
student residence of the small Catholic university where I work
was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike,
I sensed the anxiety and sadness ex- perienced by one of the older
monks whose order had founded the college.

"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition
associated with that building, the memories of all the students
and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard
this must be for you."

"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my
PalmPilot in there."



v v v v v



A stutterer returned from a couple of weeks of expensive and
intensive stuttering therapy program in a distant city. His friends
asked how the therapy had gone.

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers," the stutterer said,
completely very fluent.

His friends could not speak "Peter Piper....." babbling themselves
so they asked how he achieved it.

"Y-y-y-yes, b-b-b-but it's h-h-hard t-to w-w-work th-that into
a c-c-c-conversation,c-c-c-conversation



v v v v v





Click here: Apple Macintosh Freeware - How to Download YouTube Videos
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/2pZa
YouTube is a free online video streaming service that allows users to view and share videos.
Although YouTube does not support video downloads, you can store YouTube
videos on your hard drive with these open source tools.



v v v v v



A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They
started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"

His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?

"No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet."



v v v v v



At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some
supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to
prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for
workers with noise induced tension headaches.

I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four
cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man
behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed
and exclaimed, "I'm glad that's your baby and not mine!"




v v v v v

Click here: Heart attack, heart disease, and cholesterol information from HealthCentersOnline - HeartCenterOnline
http://heart.healthcentersonline.com/newsstories/sharpdropinsecondhandsmokeexposure.cfm?general=NL_HEART
People are much less likely to be exposed to second-hand smoke these days, a new study shows. Dr. Saverio
Stranges of the University at Buffalo in New York and colleagues had set out to investigate the association between
cumulative lifetime exposure to other people's cigarette smoke and heart attack risk. They found no such
link, but they did find a "dramatic decline" in reported second-hand smoke exposure over time.

Click here: The Heart Hope™ Initiative: Giving people with advanced-stage heart failure a new beginning.
http://www.hearthope.com/
Do you qualify for a new clinical trial?  The mission of the Heart Hope™ program is to provide hope for people
living with heart failure through education about Hemodynamic Restoration Therapy with a HeartMate circulatory
support device and other treatment advances. We invite you to explore this website to discover
how today’s technology can give so many A New Beginning™.*

Click here: Agent Orange Website
http://www.lewispublishing.com/orange.htm
Welcome to the Agent Orange Website. This website is an attempt to provide information about the
herbicide Agent Orange used in the Vietnam War, and the results of exposure to this herbicide.



v v v v v



One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak
to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm
sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer
to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not
refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving
$100,000 to the building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the
big fat pig just walked in!"



v v v v v



What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady
Godiva? The former is a hunt on the course.



v v v v v



The Top 10 Events in the Masturbatathlon


10> Javelin Polish

9> Pummel Hose

8> Standing Dry Hump

7> Knobsled

6> Triple Pump

5> Toe-Curling

4> 1-Meter Dash-to-Lock-the-Bathroom-Door-Because-You-Just-
    Heard-Your-Wife-Come-Home

3> Hayek Jump

2> Clean & Jerk & Squirt


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Event in the Masturbatathlon...


1> Four-Man Lube



v v v v v
 

Leaving Your Puppy at Home Alone


To be a good neighbor, you need to keep your puppy quiet when
you're away from home. No puppy enjoys being left alone; she's
sociable by nature. Don't be surprised if she thinks of some
activities to pass those lonely hours -- digging, chewing
destructively, or barking. Is there anything you can do?

Yes. You have a lot of options when you leave your puppy alone.
She can stay inside or outside. You can confine her in a room or
let her roam around. You can tie her up or fence her in. What's
best? Put yourself in your puppy's paws. Outside is okay; there's
fresh air and sunshine. But being confined outdoors can be
stressful because of all the activity that the puppy can't get
to. Most puppies would rather remain inside with a cozy blanket
and bone to chew.

Preparing for your departure has lasting benefits. Before you
leave, do the following:

*    Exercise your puppy for 10 minutes.

*    Follow play time with a 2-minute training session.

*    Leave a couple of chew toys and scent them by rubbing them in your palms.

*    If you leave your puppy indoors, leave her in a dimly lit, confined space with an old shirt or blanket and a
     radio playing soothing tunes.

*    If you leave your puppy outdoors, provide her with access to a shaded area and plenty of fresh water.

If your puppy suffers from separation anxiety and is a gulper(eating things she shouldn't), crate or enclose her in a small
space with a large bone and no bedding. She might eat the bedding otherwise.


Click here: My Little Paws
http://www.spiritisup.com/mylittlepawsle.html

Click here: Should Pets Wear Clothes? Depends on the pet and the climate
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZDv
See what a veterinarian things -- and what to consider if you do decide to put clothes on your pet



v v v v v



AUTOBIOGRAPHY - The car's logbook.

AUTOMATIC SHIFT - When the driver moves closer to his girlfriend.


AVAIL - Helpful for ugly women.



v v v v v



7 Rejected Metaphors and Similes


...The information that Jack Bauer found imbedded on the stolen
computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode,
creating a massive explosion.

...Nina Myers' blazing eyes danced like Astaire and Rogers, but since
they were crossed on account of the intense pain she was
experiencing, it was an ocular tango, and Jack's eyes had to foxtrot
just to maintain eye contact.

...Ramon Salazar had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled,
and the gun he was holding gave Nina a bad case of barrel envy.

...Sherry's parting words lingered heavily inside David Palmer's gut
like last night's Taco Bell.

---> click here: http://www.JokeFiles.com

...The neon sign reflected off Chloe's gun, like the moonlight
reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer
drinking and cow-tipping.

...The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence
that made up the party crowd.

...A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Jack's brow -- a tiny,
glistening Times Square New Year's Eve Ball of desperation.



v v v v v



AROMATIC - An automatic longbow.

APEX - The female of the gorilla species.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87







v v v v v



SOUTHERN vs. NORTHERN FOOTBALL


Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance and
gymnastic training.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus & put name on the waiting list.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because
they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the
few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over
to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave
to the idiots up north.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over
during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it,
filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand-up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "You dumb Carpetbagger! - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "You dumb Carpetbagger! - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to
the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next
week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway
close to the glories of Southern football.



v v v v v







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This DIY kit brought to you by Troy-Bilt Pressure Washers powered by Briggs &
Stratton shows you how to remove mold and mildew properly   
   
   
   
v v v v v



The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a
prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."

She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed. He crawls
on top of her.

" Okay, stick it in honey.....all the way in....
now pull it out......now put it back in....... now pull it out......."

" For christ sake," says the boy," Will you make up your fucking mind?"



v v v v v



YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF..


* You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it.
* Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner
and walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.
* You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around
and clothesline them.
* You publish a shirt that say's, "David Letterman 1-0 Who's Next?"
* Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might
break if you were to moonsault it.

* You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son.
* After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
* You chokeslam your cat.
* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three count.
* Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
* When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace."
* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.

* Instead of opening a can of tuna you open up a can of whoop ass on your cat.
* In the school cafeteria, you come up behind a kid and hit him with a
chair and look around for crowd responses.
* You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people
hold up signs and chant your name.
* You won't come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the radio.



v v v v v









v v v v v




I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at
the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I
put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here! What will
happen to my mortgage?!" It turned out that she had misunderstood
a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR
GOOD FRIDAY. I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts,
because she thought that the bank was going to close "for good"
that coming Friday.




v v v v v



Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of
Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."



v v v v v



Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.
One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"



v v v v v











v v v v v




An art professor asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the
professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that
a rather nicely built, young female student had sketched the man with an erection.
The professor said, "Oh, my, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way is there??




v v v v v



A daredevil skater named Lowe
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow
But is proudest of doing
Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped 13 girls in a row!



v v v v v



My gynecologist was seeing a pregnant patient who had brought along her
younger daughter to the appointment.

The young girl had brought numerous toys, and as the mother hopped up on the
exam table, the gynecologist made conversation with the youngster.

"My you have a lot of nice toys there", he said.

"I brought them for the baby," she replied.

With a puzzzled look the doctor said, "Well,how is the baby going to play
with them now?"

The girl replied, "I thought while we were here, you could put them in there for me!




v v v v v






Tips for Laying Out Your Vegetable Garden   


The layout of your vegetable garden is very important. You should plant vegetable seeds which produce tall crops on
the northern side of your garden. This will keep your tall crops from shading your short crops.

When planning your rows, you should plant vegetable seed families together. Here is a list of
vegetable families that will help you plan your garden's layout.

*Vine Crops: cucumbers, squash and melon

*Root Vegetables: turnips, carrots, beets, onions, garlic, leeks and carrots

*Legumes: peas, limas and beans

*Brassicas: broccoli, collards, kale, cabbage, and cauliflower   
   

   

v v v v v



We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...
  
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
  
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
  
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately
result in death.



v v v v v



A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used
the name, Bubba. He went to court and changed his name.

The judge asked, "What name do you want it changed to?"

He said, "Candy."

The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?"

"Yes that's right, your honor." said Bubba.

The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally,
your name is now, Candy."

He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and
heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me!"

She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."

He said, "It's not Bubba."

She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."

He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."

She asked, "What it is?"

He said, "Guess."

She said, "Leroy?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Johnny?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."

He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya
puts it in ya mouth."

She replied, "Oh!... Come on in, Dick."



v v v v v






steve@worldstart.com writes:


Q:
I ran into the letters DRM the other day and I have no idea what they mean. Can you help?

A:
Doesn't it just drive you crazy when you come across certain terms or acronyms and you have no idea what they mean? It
drives me bonkers! That's why I always do a quick search for it and I find out right away. That way, my wondering mind wonders no
more. So, you want to know what DRM stands for? Well, stay with me and you'll find out!

DRM is short for Digital Rights Management and it mainly deals with copyright protection issues on CDs, DVDs, etc.
DRM is the technology that publishers, who are the copyright owners, use to control the access of their data, including software, music,
movies and some hardware. As I said before, DRM is associated with copyright  protection and also technical protections measures.
Both of these technologies work to secure the access of digital media and they both work in reference to the DRM design. 

There are other types of DRM as well. One in particular is Enterprise Digital Rights Management (E-DRM). This type
doesn't work so much with controlling digital media, but it's more on the side of corporate documents,such as Word, PDF,
TIFF and AutoCAD files.E-DRM subscribers include Microsoft, Adobe and EMC Corporation. There
are also some open source companies that take advantage of it as well.

The biggest thing that surrounds DRM is the controversy over it. Obviously, the music distributors and broadcasting
companies object to any sort of copying of the music or  whichever data they're working with. On the other hand, the consumers
(you!)  think otherwise. Some people think that if they pay their own money to buy the CDs or the
DVDs, they should be able to do what they want with them.  

If you try to copy any digital media, you may run into some problems, depending on the programs you use. For example,
the digital media player software you use, like Windows Media Player, etc. Although copyright protection is making a bigger scene 
these days than in the past, it just depends on what type of media you buy to  know how many problems you'll run into. There are
also programs out there  today that help you get past the copyright restrictions, but all of that just makes the controversy rise even higher. 

DRM is mainly used in connection with the entertainment industry, but it's making its way to other media types as well.
Even stores like iTunes and e-books have placed DRM restrictions on their material. It's so easy to duplicate data these
days and everyone has to try and keep their information safe. I guess that's what it all comes down to.
It is one's own opinion,  but be careful what you do when working with DRM protection.

Be careful not to dig yourself into a copyright hole!



v v v v v



A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says,
"Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"



v v v v v



Q.  "Do you know why you should always invite TWO Baptists to
go fishing with you?"

A.   Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
Invite two and they won't drink any."   



v v v v v



I've always held that any glass is a "beer glass"
if you drink beer out of it, and any glass is a
"wine glass" if you drink wine out of it. But that
jerk at the pet shop still calls it an "aquarium."



v v v v v







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http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1798.html



v v v v v



When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed
to attend a concert with her older sister and brother.  She
assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself. 

As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs
to the kids.  Following the lead of her older siblings, my
three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up
voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.

Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.




v v v v v





Click here: Not Neglecting Family in the Midst of Military Command (Part 1)
http://www.new-life.net/command1.htm
This site is concerned that men not neglect their families when deployed

Click here: Refrigerator Magnets - Guy Stuff Fridge Magnets - FunkyFridge.com
http://www.funkyfridge.com/funny-stuff-guy-stuff.html
Some of these are so funny

Click here: What Makes Her Want You? -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/cc/?hash=1166601921277
An initial group of women (ages 18 to 67) were asked to provide as many answers as possible to the question,
"What makes you desire sexual activity?" -- defined as kissing, petting, oral sex, intercourse and masturbation.
The responses generated a list of 125 items, including talking about the future with your partner, watching a
strip tease, having a sexual fantasy, your partner does special or loving things for you, conversing with
someone wealthy, seeing a well-toned body, watching a sunset, and laughing with a romantic partner.



v v v v v



Expressions to use in place of calling someone "stupid"...


- "An intellect rivaled only by garden tools."

- "As smart as bait."

- "Chimney's clogged."

- "Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash."

- "Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair."

- "Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor."

- "Forgot to pay his brain bill."

- "Her sewing machine's out of thread."
  
--> http://www.JokeFiles.com

- "His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels."

- "His belt doesn't go through all the loops."

- "If he had another brain, it would be lonely."

- "All foam, no beer."

- "The cheese slid off his cracker."

- "Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear."

- "Missing a few buttons on his remote control."




v v v v v




"This week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was released
from the hospital after breaking his leg. Doctors say Arnold's
leg will be broken for two months and his English will be broken forever."


Conan O'Brien




v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



Two fellows were lost in the desert, they had been there for days with
no sign of life anywhere. All of a sudden one of the guys started to
feel horny with all the heat and stuff.

He turned to his friend and  said "do you know every now and then
vultures sweep down and peck out your eyes?".

His friend replied "no way".

He said "yes but I have a prevention."

"If I see one swooping down insert these two coins into your eyes and
bury your head in the sand".

"Gee thanks" his friend replied.  All of a sudden the guy yelled "Vulture
attack, Vulture attack" quickly the  guy put in the coins and buried his
head in the sand. At this the other guy whipped down his pants and had
his wicked way with him. The guy in the sand shouted "You can peck as
hard as you like you aren't getting my eyes  !".



v v v v v







Click here: Tips for Women Travelers to Mexico - Women's Mexico Travel Tips
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/2rYn
Although men and women have equal rights by law in Mexico, and more and more women work outside
the home and hold public office, traditional ideas still dominate in many areas. This should not deter you from
traveling to Mexico on your own. You can have a great time and learn a lot, just remember that your safety
is your top priority and consider these tips to avoid harassment and stay safe.

Click here: Women Traveling Alone in south America
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/2rYo
Practical tips, suggestions and warnings for and by women travelers

Click here: Great Girlfriend Getaways at Ojai
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/2rYj
Each year, more and more Americans travel abroad, but according to the U.S. State Department the
sharpest increase is among women traveling alone. Whether they are on a business trip or a
vacation, women traveling alone are more likely than men to encounter problems in certain cultures.
   


v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



A Marine Sergeant and 3 News Reporters were all captured by  terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists
told them that he would  grant them each one last request before they were beheaded  .

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful
of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and
returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song  "O
Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied
the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could
now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday some one will hear it and know that I was on the job
till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr..U.S. Marine, what is
your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted
the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the
ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot  the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were
either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they  asked
him, "Why didn't' t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why  did you
ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine?, "and have you three Assholes report
that I was the aggressor?"



v v v v v



MORE Expressions to use in place of calling someone "stupid"...


- "No grain in the silo."

- "Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse."

- "Receiver is off the hook."

- "He has less going on upstairs than a one story house."

- "Several nuts short of a full pouch."

- "Skylight leaks a little."

- "Slinky's kinked."

- "He's gone surfing in Nebraska again."

- "Too much yardage between the goal posts."

- "A few clowns short of a circus."

- "A few fries short of a Happy Meal."

- "An experiment in Artificial Stupidity."

- "A few beers short of a six-pack."

- "Dumber than a box of hair."

- "A few peas short of a casserole."

- "Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box."

- "The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead."

- "One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl."

- "One taco short of a combination plate."

- "A few feathers short of a whole duck."

- "Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel."

- "He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down."

- "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

- "The lights are on, but nobody's home."

- "24 cents short of a quarter."

- "A few bricks shy of a full load."

 

v v v v v






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v v v v v



Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control



v v v v v



Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind



v v v v v

©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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