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to



   

Editor:  DebsSweet
Graphic Editors:  GuysBabi, LuvinTheCountry, Kittykab,
Benthebuck, CrispySue
Children Book Editor:  Amanda260
Internet Security Editor:  KatieScarlett






Hey there -- welcome to new subscribers! 

We have a lot of things for you to see -- so don't bother laying in the sun or
shopping at that new Mall that opened up last week - why do any
of that when you can play with us?

Do you have Windows XP and having some problems with it booting up too slow?
Find the WINDOWS area below and find out the latest on this.   

University of Kent researcher Adam Burgess states that stories about cell phones
causing explosions or fires at gas stations is nothing more than a myth.  Get the scoop on
this in the CELLULAR section below.

Concerned about spam, malware, usage trackers, adware, and spyware infesting your computer?
There are online courses that will teach you the basics about what spam and spyware is, how it works, and how to manage it.
Don't miss this -- you'll find all the info you need in the INTERNET SECURITY section below!

Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 








"I love it all.  I wouldn't change a thing.  You truly do rock!"
Snitch21858

"I would like to thank you for your
newsletter. If it wasn't for you I could have killed
my dog Missy. I didn't know about not giving your pets
grapes or raisins. I was always giving my dog grapes
and raisins because she loves them so much. I didn't
know that I was probably poisoning her. Your
newsletter is great. Thank you for taking the time to
write it each week, Thank You, Annette"
netti012@yahoo.com


  v v v v v


I think I may have damaged my car.

The "Blown to Shit"
light came on this morning


  v v v v v


Starting in the fall, the University of Iowa will be
offering a class on pornography.

Imagine how tired
your hand is going to be after taking that final!


  v v v v v


Listen Sweetie, I am not honking because I love Jesus.

I'm honking 'cause you can't drive!


  v v v v v


"Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered
the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex.

"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't
even know what position you want to use yet."


  v v v v v





"In Myanmar, a woman has volunteered to breastfeed a
pair of endangered Bengal Tiger cubs born at a Yangon
zoo. She was also nominated for the Siegfried and Roy
Questionable Judgment Award"
Jay Leno

"If you watched the wedding on TV, you know this is
true... Charles and Camilla never kissed.
That's true. They did not kiss!
That's because in England a lot of people still do not
approve of same-sex marriages"
Jay Leno

"A company has come out with a brand-new breath
analyzer that can tell parents if their child has been
smoking pot. This is how it works. Apparently, you
hand your child a tube, and if he inhales and passes
it to you, he's smoking pot."
Conan O'Brien
 
"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous
orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."
Woody Allen

"A new study reports that cell phones may be ruining
people's sex lives because people often stop in the
middle of sex to answer a call.
In fact, some people are having three-ways during three-ways."
Conan O'Brien



  v v v v v


In Paris recently, a thief almost managed to steal several   
paintings from the Louvre. But during his escape, his van ran   
out of gas and he was captured. After the incident was   
televised, a reporter asked the would-be thief what happened.   

He replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"  


  v v v v v


*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net
and others!


A young nun named Sister Mary Margaret, who works for a local home
health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked
to the station to borrow a can to start with and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her the only gas can he owned had been
loaned out but if she would wait it was sure to be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait.
She walked back to the car. After looking through it for something to
fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful she carried it to the station, and filled it with
gasoline, and carried it to her car. As she was pouring the gas into
the tank two men were watching from across the street. One of them
turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'll become catholic."


  v v v v v


    *



Nightmare
    *    1 1/2 oz Gin 
    *    1/2 oz Madeira 
    *    1/2 oz Cherry-flavored Brandy 
    1 tsp Orange Juice 
    *    Ice
Shake with ice and strain into a glass.


Alabama Slammer
    *    1 oz. Sloe Gin 
    *    1 oz. Southern Comfort 
    *    1 oz. Amaretto 
    *    Dash of Lemon Juice
Mix sloe gin, Southern Comfort, and amaretto
in a chilled highball glass with ice and add a
dash of lemon juice. Stir well.


Caribbean Lover
    *    1 1/2 oz Light Rum 
    *    1 oz Amaretto 
    *    2 oz Pineapple Juice 
    *    2 oz Orange Juice 
    *    1 splash Grenadine 
    *    Ice
Shake well with ice and pour into a glass.
Float grenadine on top. Add a slice of orange
and a slice of pineapple on top.



  v v v v v


Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.

"Miss Howell?" Little Johnny asked his first grade teacher,
"Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"

"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should."


  v v v v v


Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems
with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang. Jim answered
the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer
said was a subpoena. Jim showed it to Mike and asked
him if he knew what it was.

Mike in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Of course
I know what a subpoena is."

"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.

"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is
suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means
'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis', so --
'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's
got you by the balls."


  v v v v v





  v v v v v


A big challenge of running a small business is
dealing with emloyees' requests for time off. 

One morning an employee said, "I need to leave early tomorrow." 

Later that same day, he followed with, "Looks like I'll be coming in late tomorrow,
but if my coming in late runs into my leaving early, then I won't be in at all."


  v v v v v


The new nun goes to her first confession. 
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.

The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette.
Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five
cartwheels on your way to the altar."
 

  v v v v v


Freaky Phobias


Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.

Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"

Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.

Genuphobia: The fear of knees.


  v v v v v







Click here: Disney Channel - Brandy & Mr. Whiskers
http://psc.disney.go.com/disneychannel/brandyandmrwhiskers/index.html
Characters, games and activities, email,  photos, downloads

Cartoon Network | Miguzi
http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/tv_shows/miguzi/
Games, trading cards and a cool site with stuff to do

Click here: Disney Channel - American Dragon: Jake Long
http://psc.disney.go.com/disneychannel/americandragon/games/allstarskatepark/index.html
watch a music video for this Disney cartoon, read other viewers' comments,
test your skating skills with a game, and more

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Click here: Spaghetti Book Club - Book Reviews by Kids for Kids!
http://www.spaghettibookclub.org/   


  v v v v v


A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he
wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, the dumbass wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career..."

"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
 

  v v v v v


Direct TV announced it's coming out with satellite as
an option for the Cadillac Escalade.

The Escalades have incredible stereos in them,
refrigerators and now satellite TV.

Do you realize they're just one bathroom away from
being a mobile home?


  v v v v v




How do I care for my Whirlpool Circulation System?

Once  every three months purge and clean the circulating system.
Follow the steps  outlined below:

    1.    Fill whirlpool with warm water and add two teaspoons of powdered dishwasher
(not laundry) detergent and one half cup of household bleach to filled whirlpool. 

    2.    Activate whirlpool system in accordance with operating instructions, for two minutes. 

    3.    Drain and refill whirlpool with cold water. Circulate for five minutes. 

    4.    Drain whirlpool completely after step 3 (above) is completed.


  v v v v v


Wanting to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget
cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."


  v v v v v


"Police in Italy say they've arrested horse owners who
were feeding Viagra to their racehorses.
Apparently, police became suspicious when a horse won
a close race and it wasn't by a nose."


  v v v v v


A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host and asks, “
"Do you have some green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'"

The host, stunned, answers, “
"Of course I don't have any green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you!'"

’” "Oh, no!"” the drunk cries.
“"I'm really sorry,…I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot"


  v v v v v





Click here: Macworld: Review: Starry Night 5.0
http://click.macworld.email-publisher.com/maadghuabeRSkbWkt2hb/
Nearly everyone can identify the Big Dipper, and possibly Orion, in the night sky.
But if asked to point to a constellation such as Cygnus or Cassiopeia, most of us would
probably just shrug. Imaginova’s Starry Night Enthusiast 5.0 places the sky at
your fingertips, making learning the constellations fun and easy

Macworld: Review: Route USA 2004 3.6
http://click.macworld.email-publisher.com/maadghuabeRSlbWkt2hb/
Although there are plenty of free online resources that will tell you how to get
from your house to the store, for true long-distance mapping and trip planning—with Global
Positioning System (GPS) integration, multiple stopping points, and information on highlights
along the route—you need something more powerful. With its GPS-enabled maps and
gigabytes of road and location data, Route USA 2004 3.6, from Route 66, will guide you across
the country, from busy highways to country roads, but it could still stand some improvement.

Macworld: Review: Ivory 1.0
http://click.macworld.email-publisher.com/maadghuabeRSmbWkt2hb/
Virtual instruments let musicians integrate a wide variety of sounds into arrangements,
and they eliminate the tedious steps required to set up and record the real thing--provided
the musicians even have access to the real thing. But the downside of virtual sounds is that they
can sometimes be "good enough," rather than convincing and truly musical. This is not the case
with Synthogy's Ivory 1.0, which provides the sound of three beautifully rich and full virtual grand pianos.


  v v v v v


Some of the extreme fundamentalist Muslim countries are
now requiring all Muslim girls over the age of 18 to shave
all their pubic hair as a sign of defiance to the West.

International news reporters are saying that the anti-Bush
campaign has gone too far.


  v v v v v


I once made love for an hour and five minutes.

It was on the day you push the clocks ahead.


  v v v v v





Data-Storage Needs Growing?

Click here: Weekend Project: Get gigs to spare with a new hard drive - CNET reviews
http://ct.cnet-ssa.com.com/clicks?c=95510-1656378&brand=cnet-ssa&ds=5
If your data-storage needs are growing at an exponential rate but your main hard drive
can't quite keep up, it's a good time to invest in a new one--the bigger, the better. Though it's fairly
easy to physically install a large-capacity hard drive, you need to keep some important
considerations in mind. In this Weekend Project, we walk you through the process of replacing
your PC's tiny old hard drive with a much roomier model.   


  v v v v v


Give him an inch and he takes the whole 36-24-36....


  v v v v v


Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass.

What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, screw her, let's look for yours!"


  v v v v v





   In The Summer Tip      
jiffylube.com        

During the  summer, be sure to crank up the heat. Sound crazy?

Once a month, try to turn on your heater for 1-2 minutes to let 
fluid circulate. This will help keep your heater's core clean  and prevent corrosion.              


  v v v v v


A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal,
whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief,
"Phew, just made it."

The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit, can you
make me one too?"


  v v v v v


The mortician calls Mrs. Jones, and says, "Excuse me
Mrs. Jones, but I can't seem to close the lid to your
husband's coffin because he has a huge erection."

To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and
stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it
hasn't been in."


  v v v v v





How To Avoid Viruses
   
In addition to running up-to-date antivirus software, take common-sense steps:

Don’t open email attachments unless they’re from trusted sources, and even then,
if the message looks suspicious, contact the sender to confirm that he really sent
you an email message with an attachment; be wary of any message that suggests sending it to friends
and contacts or advises you to remove files or change system settings; and steer
clear of visiting suspicious-sounding Web sites.

+ + +

Click here: CNET Help.com
http://courses.help.com/courses/overview.jsp?courseId=2351&mcid=e407&tag=nl.e407
Concerned about spam, malware, usage trackers, adware, and spyware infesting your
computer? This course will teach you the basics about what spam and spyware is,
how it works, and how to manage it. We'll cover the different types of spyware, learn how
spyware infects a machine, and explore techniques and utilities for detecting and removing it.
Next we'll take aim at spam. You'll find out how spammers fake their e-mail details, how to
avoid receiving new spam, and how to manage the spam you're already receiving.    
   

  v v v v v


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats
smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off
  and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed
down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

  Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"


  v v v v v


Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? 
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and  go to bed. Married women .....  .....
come.home, see what's in bed and go to the  fridge.


  v v v v v





  v v v v v


Gas prices are affecting my sex life. With prices at $2 a gallon, I
only date women in a 5 gallon radius.


v v v v v


TORTELLINI and TUNA SALAD  
thedailyrecipe

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 20-ounce package refrigerated cheese Tortellini,  
  cooked & Chilled  
1/2 pound green beans, cut into 1-inch pieces, cooked  
4 green onions, sliced  
2 6-ounce cans solid white tuna packed in water, drained  
1 large tomato, diced  
3/4 cup ripe black olives, sliced  
3/4 cup mayonnaise  
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar  
3/4 teaspoon celery salt  

DIRECTIONS:  
Combine pasta, green beans, green onions, tuna, and olives  
in a large bowl. Combine mayonnaise, vinegar and celery  
salt in a small bowl; stir into pasta mixture. Season with  
salt and pepper.  

YIELD: 6 Servings  


v v v v v




 
The Ladies at Lunch


Deb:  On the cover of a women's magazine, I saw the
title: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives."
I decided to get a first-hand account.  I asked my ex,
"What's your innermost fear about my working?"

Kate:  What did he say?

Deb:  He said, "That you'll quit."


   v v v v v


"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in.  "So you say you have
every flavor ice cream in the world?  O.K., I would like three
scoops of pussy flavored ice cream, please."

"No problem, sir."

The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man
takes a good lick.  Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!"

The assistant replies,  "Of course it tastes like shit when you
take such long licks!" 


   v v v v v


Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings and often head for a restaurant
afterwards with their fellow choir members. Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine,
it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she
abstained, and so she did.

On one post choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to
order a glass of wine. Sometime passed with no untoward consequences. Then she waved happily across
the big table where her colleagues all sat and announced in a loud voice, "James,
I don't have a headache tonight!"


   v v v v v







  v v v v v


*submitted by*
WMBAAS


At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly  lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved  to
fish.Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go  fishing
together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and  they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their  adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the  river,
and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or  down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and  made
mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When  they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened,
but he had  just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a  while and continued on down the river, when soon
they came upon another  fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There  she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild
passionate love to  him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her  to go
fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were  the next day, riding in the boat
when they came upon the fork in river, and  the elderly gentleman asked,
"Up or down ?"

The woman replied,  "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down
the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time  I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you
made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I
thought the choices were fuck or drown."


  v v v v v


"Of  course I'm not losing interest in our lovemaking
dearest." said the husband  to his wife. "I'm simply
making love slowly so the ashes don't fall off  my
cigarette onto the sheets.


v v v v v





v v v v v


There was a limo driver taking a beautiful dark haired model  
to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.  

The model said, "I don't have time to wait for road service.  
Could you change it yourself?"  

The driver said, "Sure."  

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but  
couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling  
and asked, "Do you need a screwdriver?"  

He said "Sure, honey! But, first I have to change this tire."  


v v v v v




* CHECK IT OUT

As promised, the link to the Rockin' and Rollin' Screensaver!

  Click here: DebsScreenSaver
http://debsnewsletter.com/screensaver/   
 

   v v v v v


The Top 16 Signs You're Not Cut Out for Parenthood
chris white topfive.com


16> You're really, really, REALLY into sex, sleep and money.

15> Your plan for paying for braces revolves around something called a "trifecta."

14> You show your kids how to give back to the community --
    by the side of the freeway in an orange jumpsuit.

13> You walk into the baby store and ask for the "crib with the most bling, yo."

12> Other parents: getting on wait lists for all the right schools.
    You: getting on the wait list for the Neverland Ranch.

11> The four basic food groups at your house: Licorice, Jim Beam, Suzy Qs and Pall Malls.

10> "Breast pumps are expensive, honey. That thing we use on
    the bike tires will work just fine."

9> The Gerber-filled dog dish is in the crib and the lullaby
    CD is programmed on a loop -- you and the Mrs. are ready for the Crue concert!

8> Other dads play baseball with their sons. You simply teach
    Junior how to purchase and inject steroids.

7> You're the founder and sole proprietor of Dingoland.

6> You get tongue-tied when you try to say "For the love of
    God, be quiet for 30 seconds while I take a crap!"

5> "It's all right, Honey, I washed her on the 'delicate' cycle!"

4> You really enjoy watching the birthing film -- backwards!

3> You're embarrassed to be seen with your 2-year-old daughter
    because those designer diapers make her ass look fat.

2> Rather than shell out for toys, you told kids Santa
    intentionally flew sleigh into skyscraper.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not Cut Out for Parenthood...


1> "Make a poo-poo, do a shot!"


   v v v v v

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Click here: wishyouwerehere
http://www.loratrue2000.com/wishyouwerehere.htm

USO Home
http://a9.com/-/search/a9-redirect.jsp?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.uso.org%2F&title=USO+Home&token=
B199683F77D86B913356784F34A94F14&t=11100668455&qt=ws
Proudly serving the men and women who serve our country!

  :: We Support U ::
http://nathanadams.com/WeSupportU.htm


  v v v v v


Bill says he and his wife have structured conversations.

"Frst, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion."


  v v v v v


As Seen On A Birthday Card:


Forget about the past, You can't change it.
Forget about the future, You can't predict it.

Inside:

Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one

v v v v v


*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot  by
loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and  rarely use it. Bad girls only
own one bra and rarely use it.

Good  girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls  blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they
could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of  pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of  pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."


  v v v v v


It's  official! California has the most expensive gas
in the nation!

It's unbelievable!

To give you an idea of how high the price is here,
guys are now dating Paris Hilton just because of her ability to siphon!

  v v v v v




Click here: Recipes - Cooking With Cookies - GirlScoutCookiesABC
http://www.girlscoutcookiesabc.com/atc/recipes/
If you think they're great out of the box, click on the links at this site and see what some imagination can do!

Click here: Iowa State University's Tasty Insect Recipes
http://www.ent.iastate.edu/misc/insectsasfood.html
Banana Worm Bread, chocolate-covered grasshoppers and more!

Click here: Stonyfield Yogurt - Yummy Recipes with Newman's Own
http://www.stonyfield.com/Recipes/NewmanRecipes.cfm
Recipes using Newman's Own products

Click here: Will on the Web: Fishing Will County, Illinois ~ Recipes
http://www.willontheweb.com/fishing/recipes.html
Once you have decided to keep a fish for consumption purposes, the fish must be
cleaned and stored on ice as soon as possible. Currently, Illinois sportfishing regulations
prohibit the removal of the head or tail or cleaning of the fish to which length limits apply,
while still on the waters where the length limits are enforced You'll find recipes, resources
and a lot more at this site


  v v v v v


The  newlyweds went on a cruise for their honeymoon and found
themselves shipwrecked on an island where a tribe of cannibals lived.

Nevertheless, the inhabitants were very welcoming.  In fact, when
they found out the couple had just been married, the cannibals
threw a party.  They toasted the bride, then barbecued the groom


  v v v v v


Bubba and Earl were in a local Wal-Mart and they decided to get in on the weekly charity
raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle
was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Earl
how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"

Earl asked  Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied  Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."


  v v v v v





Caring for Senior Dogs

No matter what your dog's age, proper nutrition and regular exercise help your pet stay as young as can be. However, once your dog
reaches the calendar age of 7, he or she may require slightly different care and attention. That's because the needs of dogs begin
to change a bit as they enter their senior years. To ensure that your  dog remains physically
healthy and mentally alert for years to come, follow these 3 tips.

1. Extra protein, please. As dogs get older, protein in the diet is especially important. Increasing your dog's daily protein intake
to 24% after the calendar age of 7 will help him or her maintain lean body mass and strong immune system function. A lean physique
also helps to minimize stress on your dog's skeletal and cardio-vascular systems, protecting your pet from joint pain and heart
disease. Be sure to choose dog food formulated specifically for
dogs over calendar age 7.

2. Time for a checkup. In addition to visiting your veterinarian twice a year for checkups, regularly assessing your dog's health and
body condition enables you to recognize any changes, such as tenderness or lumps, before they can become more serious conditions.
Take the time to examine your pet while you groom him or her. Your veterinarian can help you learn what is "normal" for your dog as well
as alert you to any warning signs you should note. Detecting changes in your dog's health early on may help in the management and/or
treatment of certain conditions.

3. Senior first aid. Although getting older doesn't have to mean aches and pains for your dog, senior dogs may be more likely to experience
arthritic pain, swollen joints, morning stiffness, and age-related immobility. If your dog suffers from canine arthritis or joint pain, your
veterinarian may prescribe medication to improve your dog's health. Also, providing a soft orthopedic bed
or heating mat for your dog can help comfort aching joints and muscles.



  v v v v v


One summer, the company that Morris worked for transferred him to
another city. Morris was told that he had to take a new physical with
the company  doctor to continue to be employed.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Morris had
the smallest penis he'd ever seen.

"Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the  doctor asked.

"Not at all" Morris said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and we have a
great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding
it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doctor  asked.

"Nights are no problem," Morris said,
"because at night, there are two of us looking for it!"


  v v v v v


*submitted by*
WMBAAS





v v v v v


MOIST SCONES
thedailyrecipe

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
2 cups all purpose flour  
1/4 cup white sugar  
1 teaspoon baking powder  
1/4 teaspoon baking soda  
1/4 teaspoon salt  
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, cold and cut into pieces  
1/2 cup dried cranberries or cherries  
2/3 cup buttermilk  

Egg mixture for brushing tops of scones:  
1 large egg, lightly beaten  
1 tablespoon milk  
Sugar in the raw or coarse white sugar for sprinkling tops  


DIRECTIONS:  
Preheat oven to 400 degrees and place rack in middle of oven.  Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper.  
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Cut the butter into small  
pieces and blend into the flour mixture with a pastry blender or two knives. The mixture should look like coarse  
crumbs.  Stir in the cranberries.  Add the buttermilk to the flour mixture and stir just until the dough comes  
together. Do not overmix the dough. Transfer to a lightly floured surface and knead dough gently four or five times  
and then pat the dough into a circle that is about 7 inches round and about 11/2 inches thick. Cut this circle in half,  
then cut each half into 3 pie-shaped wedges (triangles). Place the scones on the baking sheet.  Make an egg wash of  
one well-beaten egg mixed with 1 tablespoon milk and brush the tops of the scones with this mixture. Sprinkle with  
raw sugar (if desired). Bake for about 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown and a toothpick inserted in the  
middle comes out clean. Transfer to a wire rack to cool.  

Yield: 6 Scones  


  v v v v v


"Little Johnny, what does your Daddy do for a
living?", the teacher asked.

Johnny answered, "My Daddy is a dildo maker and he
says my mommy is a test pilot"


  v v v v v


He's very broad minded, in fact that's all he thinks about...


  v v v v v





*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Picasa 2
http://www.picasa.com/index.php
A free software download from Google.
Picasa is software that helps you instantly find, edit and share all the pictures
on your PC. Every time you open Picasa, it automatically locates all your pictures
(even ones you forgot you had) and sorts them into visual albums organized by date with folder
names you will recognize. You can drag and drop to arrange your albums and make labels to
create new groups. Picasa makes sure your pictures are always organized.

Stockmat software
http://www.stockmat.com/
StockMat™ is a free desktop personal finance tool that allows you
to instantly monitor up to 20 stocks traded on any Stock Exchange.
This remarkable application remains visible on the bottom of the screen while other programs
still operate, allowing to track a personal selection of stocks.
With StockMat™ the screen is automatically resized to keep a
monitoring eye on the markets.

Click here: PCWorld.com - Motherboard Monitor v5.3.6
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/402477/8858723/238133/0/
An overheated computer is an unhappy computer. This handy program reads temperature and fan
RPM data collected by your system's BIOS, displays it in the Windows system tray, and alerts you
when there's trouble. You can use this application to manage your resources and alarms by
doing things like setting an alarm to go off, or having an email sent to another computer,
when your motherboard starts to overheat. You could even have programs start and stop
when your CPU reaches predetermined temperatures.
   
   
  v v v v v


Instead of listening to music during your morning
drive to work, Playboy is now offering nude pictures
that people can download on their iPods.

In a related story, Playboy has bought a controlling interest in
every auto repair shop in America


  v v v v v


Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Garbage is dumped,
    now so are you.    


  v v v v v


A little girl had just listened to her mother reading her one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon a Time...?"

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling,
I have to work a little late at the office tonight'"


  v v v v v


Two old maids in Portsmouth, New Hampshire were gabbing.  One said,
"I go to Boston every couple months to get scrod."  The second
replied, "So do I, but I never knew the plural."


  v v v v v





Instant Messaging Madness


Millions of AOL members have discovered the fun and convenience of instant messaging.
But you may be surprised to know just how popular it really is. Between AOL members worldwide,
and non-members using our free AOL  Instant Messenger (AIM), well over one billion instant
messages pass through AOL's servers every day. To put that in perspective, it amounts to four instant
messages a day for each person in the United States. To see the many things you
can do with AOL Instant Messenger, click here.


  v v v v v


Q. Why are men so concerned about the size of their penises?

A. Because they should be.


  v v v v v


NO-BAKE CHOCOLATE OAT TREATS  
thedailyrecipe

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
2 cups sugar  
1/2 cup milk  
1/2 cup cocoa  
1 stick margarine  
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter  
1 Tablespoon vanilla  
3 cups quick-cooking oats  
  
DIRECTIONS:  
In a saucepan over medium-low heat melt the sugar and  
margarine until almost smooth. Add the cocoa and then  
add the milk, stirring. Heat thoroughly, stirring constantly.  
Remove from heat and stir in the peanut butter, vanilla,  
oats. Stir until all combined. Place on wax paper by  
spoonfuls to cool and store in an airtight container.  


  v v v v v






Tips For Flying Smokers
gophercentral.com


* Richard Reid it.   

Right now, you are allowed to bring four cardboard packs of  
matches. Bring all four, and carry at least two on you.  

People who carry the same disposable Bic lighter for years  
will manage to lose a pack of matches. I don't know why.  
It's one of those mysterious natural laws like the ones that  
cause dress socks to disappear from the launder and wire  
coat hangers to multiply in your closet.   

Remember, wooden matches are not allowed. I'm not sure what  
the difference is; perhaps they are more reliable.  

* Beat them to it.  

Search the pockets of your jacket and favorite travel jeans  
before you leave home. Go through the pockets of all your carry-on bags.  

You'd be surprised how many times you find a lighter  - not  
to mention loose change, cough drops and wadded-up grocery  
lists - that you'd thought you'd lost.   

* Help the lighterless  

In the week following the lighter ban's enforcement, the  
sidewalks immediately outside airports were dotted with  
desperate nicotine addicts caught unawares by the new rule.  
If one asks you for a light, give it to them.  

Call it smoker's karma; you never know when the person with  
the unlit cigarette in their lips and the panic in their  
eyes is going to be you.  

*  Quit.  






  v v v v v


The Top 8 Lyrics of Songs If They'd Been Written About McDonald's
chris white topfive.com


  8> Chubby Bob walks through the arches of gold,
     Shleppin' his ducats from payday.
     The pimply-faced teen, he squeaked "How may I help you?"
     Bob said, "The doc gave me just one day.
     I'd like my last meal to be
     A heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!"

  7> Say you don't need no onion rings
     And I'll be satisfied.
     Tell me that you don't like Burger King
     A Whopper just won't fly.
     'Cause I don't care too much for burgers,
     If I can't buy Big Macs.

  6> I said "My honey, my baby,
     Please share your Big Mac with cheese."
     She said "Go stand in that line
     And get your own Mickey D's."

  5> Purple man all on my tray,
     Lately Grimace just don't seem the same.
     Actin' funny, bet it's the Fry Guys --
     'Scuse me while I cheese my fries!

  4> There's no waiting, I'm told,
     The pearly arches are gold now,
     And the Pope's eating Big Macs in heaven.

  3> It's my patty, I'll have fries if I want to,
     Fries if I want to,
     Fries if I want to....

  2> I... like... Big... Macs and I cannot lie!


and the Number 1 Lyric of a Song If It'd Been Written About McDonald's...


  1> Buddy you're a young man, full man,
     Gonna step up and order a meal one day!
     Ya got grease on your face,
     Ya big disgrace,
     Gonna slap that Whopper right offa your face!
     WE WILL, WE WILL MAC YOU! (Eat it!)
     WE WILL, WE WILL MAC YOU!


  v v v v v




Choosing Bird - Friendly Plants


Just as we promised, here's your Food, Home & Garden eTip -- delivered on a new day! To make the most of the quality Dummies
content you've come to expect, take advantage of our 15% discount for current subscribers. Add the code ETIP3 after you pick your
favorite books from the selection at Dummies.com. Now, here's your eTip:

If you're a gardener or plan to landscape your yard, consider planting species (sp.) that provide both food and shelter to
birds. Think of these species as "bed and breakfast" (B&B) plantings for birds.

Some of the more popular B&B plants include:

*    Annuals: amaranthus (Amaranthus sp.), coreopsis (Coreopsis sp.), cosmos (Cosmos sp.), marigold (Tagetes
     sp.), sunflower (Helianthus sp.), zinnia (Zinnia sp.)

*    Perennials: aster (Aster sp.), black-eyed Susan (Rudbeckia sp.), goldenrod (Solidago sp.), purple
     coneflower (Echinacea purpurea), and many grasses such as little bluestem (Andropogon)

*    Shrubs: sumac (Rhus sp.), elderberry (Sambucus sp.), viburnum (Viburnum sp.), boxwood (Buxus sp.)

*    Small trees: holly (Ilex sp.), serviceberry(Amelanchier sp.), dogwood (Cornus sp.)

*    Fruiting trees and shrubs: blueberry (Vaccinium sp.), cherry (Prunus sp.), crab apple (Malus sp.), hawthorn
     (Crataegus sp.), mountain ash (Sorbus sp.), spicebush (Lindera), sassafras (Sassafras),
and black gum (Nyssa sylvatica)

For more information like this, get a copy of Bird Watching For
Dummies [ http://xads.zedo.com/ads2/c?a=74341;g=0;c=394000001;i=0;x=3840;n=394;s=1;
k=http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764550403.html ],
by Bill Thompson III and the Editors of Bird Watcher's Digest.


  v v v v v


A school teacher asks her class, “"What vegetable makes your eyes water?”"

Little Johnny replies, “"A turnip, Miss"

"”No Johnny",”says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?"

"No miss",”says Little Johnny, “
"Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"


v v v v v


A girl married a quiet, humble man and after one week,
he  came home rather flustered. "When I got to work
this morning, I found a pencil tied to my willy."

"That's right," she said. "I thought if you couldn't
come, at least you could write."


  v v v v v





Click here: LogoYes: Professional Logo Designs & Do-it-Yourself Logo Creation
http://www.logoyes.com/?bid=95&aid=CD1&opt=
Design your own logo - here!

Click here: Seriously, WTF? Start doing CORSET PIERCINGS properly
http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20050417.html
There's just no place to put this link since I don't have a section
entitled "HOLY HELL, WTF?" 

*submitted by*
Barb2c4u
Click here: Sign Our Petition on Illegal Immigration
http://www.reformus.org/
You might want to consider signing this petition

Click here: Coca-Cola - Contact Us - Products and Packaging Myths & Rumors
http://www2.coca-cola.com/contactus/myths_rumors/packaging.html
Unfortunately the Internet has been used to spread FALSE information about Coke products.
Read and tell those silly people who send this stuff to you that you don't fall for crap like that!

*submitted by*
daveswoodworld
Click here: Shop Horror - Funny Shop Names
http://www.shophorror.co.uk/pages/gallery.html
Clever

Click here: TEKHNA3D
http://www.tekhna3d.com/
This visually intriguing site  requires the latest Shockwave player, but you
can download it free at the site if you need it.  Wowser


Click here: What's My Papal Name?
http://www.papalname.wildjelly.com/

Click here: http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/gethugs.cgi?hugsid=DebsSweet&HUGS_GET=SET+ME+UP
http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/gethugs.cgi?hugsid=DebsSweet&HUGS_GET=SET+ME+UP

Click here: FEMA: Are You Ready? An In-depth Guide to Citizen Preparedness
http://www.fema.gov/areyouready/
Are You Ready? provides a step-by-step approach to disaster preparedness by walking
the reader through how to get informed about local emergency plans, how to identify
hazards that affect their local area, and how to develop and maintain an emergency communications
plan and disaster supplies kit. Other topics covered include evacuation, emergency public shelters,
animals in disaster, and information specific to people with disabilities.

Click here: Welcome to Fractured Frugal Friends!
http://www.fractured.net/
Did you know that these people have been able to help people repay more than $4
million dollars in mortgage and non-mortgage debt?  For less than 700 members, that's
quite impressive!  They could not have done it without our members.  This whole site is a MHM community,
where Members Help other Members.  Even if you're new to the concept of Frugality, they are
sure we could all learn something from you!


  v v v v v


The strangest mystery of all is a woman's bladder.
X-rays prove that the female bladder is proportional
to the woman's size, yet they always have to pee.

Driving in a car seems to irritate the problem.

It also irritates the guy she's driving with.

The big question is: How is it that women pee every 10
to 15 minutes; yet they are always retaining water?


  v v v v v


CHOCOLATE CHIP CHEESECAKE DIP
thedailyrecipe  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1/2 c Raisins  
1 tb Brandy  
2 c Cream Cheese; Softened  
1/2 c Whipping Cream  
1/2 ts Vanilla Extract  
1/4 c Dark Brown Sugar  
1 ts Cinnamon; Ground  
1/2 c Mini Chocolate Chips  
1 x Cinnamon; Ground  

DIRECTIONS:  
Mix the raisins and brandy (making sure all the raisins  
are coated) and let soak for 15 minutes. In another bowl,  
beat the cream cheese and whipping cream until well  
blended and smooth. Add the vanilla, mixing well. Blend  
in the brown sugar and cinnamon. Mix in the "slushed"  
raisins and chocolate chips, blending well. Garnish with  
a light dusting of cinnamon. Serve at room temperature.  
DIPPERS: Graham Crackers, Honeydew Melon, Strawberries,  
Peaches, Dried Fruit, Pound Cake Cubes  

Yield: 6 Servings (about 3 3/4 cups of dip)  


   v v v v v







  v v v v v


During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a
  muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a
   red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the
   lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the  colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is."


  v v v v v


The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one
team from the National Football League. Therefore, they've decided to combine the Green
Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team to help save jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.  Unfortunately, they're only good
for one period and have no second string.

  v v v v v



by deb


Honeymoon
by James Patterson


How does it feel to be desired by every man and envied by every woman?
Wonderful. This is the life Nora Sinclair has dreamed about, the life she's worked
hard for, the life she will never give up. Meet Nora Sinclair. 

When FBI agent John O'Hara first sees her, she seems perfect. She has the looks.
The career. The clothes. The wit. The sophistication. The tantalizing sex appeal.
The whole extraordinary package - and men fall in line to court her. She doesn't just
attract men, she enthralls them. If you dare. 

So why is the FBI so interested in Nora Sinclair? Mysterious things keep 
happening to people around her, especially the men. And there is something dangerous
about Nora when Agent O'Hara looks closer - something that lures him at the same time that it
fills him with fear. Is there something dark hidden among the unexplained gaps in her past?
And as he spends more and more time getting to know her, is he pursuing justice? Or his own fatal obsession?

I recommend this book -- it's interesting, has a few twists and a good ending!
( I wouldn't be surprised if they make a movie out of this )


  v v v v v


*submitted by*
WMBAAS


A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown
the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The
hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the
needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes
a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the
'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,"  says the guide. It pokes
a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


  v v v v v

SORTING START PROGRAMS

When you click on Start and All Programs in
  Windows XP, you may have difficulty finding the program you're looking for
  because they have a tendency to be unalphabetized.  Correct this simply by
  moving to any one of the folders there, right click, and select "Sort By Names"


  v v v v v


As my five-year-old son and I were headed to
McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.  Usually
when we see something terrible like that, we say a
prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and
said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance
to McDonald's."


v v v v v


*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Three hillbillies are sitting around talking about their wives one day.  

First hillbilly says, "My wife's so stupid, she bought a new  
washer and dryer and we don't even have electricity!"  

Second hillbilly says, "Aww, that ain't nothin'! My wife's so  
stupid she bought a new dishwasher and we don't have runnin' water!"  

Third hillbilly says, "That ain't nothin'! I looked in my  
wife's purse yesterday and she bought a whole bunch of  
condoms, and she ain't got no dick!"  


v v v v v


Sex and steak are two of my favorite things
I have them both the same.....

very rare


v v v v v






Click here: Dummies::Making Older Programs Run under Windows XP
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-355.html
Some programs designed for earlier versions of Windows won't run under Windows XP.
Until you can get your hands on a program upgrade for Windows XP, you can try running
the program in one of Windows XP Compatibility Modes
by following these steps at the site

Click here: PCWorld.com - IRam Speeds Windows XP Start Up
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/491433/8383497/972076/0/
Taiwanese hardware maker Giga-byte Technology has stumbled upon a faster
way to boot up PCs based on Microsoft's Windows XP operating system
   
   
  v v v v v


"Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are
aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you
spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand
sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in
this situation to avoid any problem?"

"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite
direction," stated the brunette.

"I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of
mace to keep me safe," responded the redhead.

"Frankly" murmured the blonde, "I understand the
situation, but I fail to see the problem."


  v v v v v


This guy was having a drink in a bar.

It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady.
She came over to chat for a bit and he said,
"I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as
he lay a $10 bill on the bar.

She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet.

He removed his glass eye and took off to the john.

"Very funny," she said when he returned.

He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."
Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my
own ear. "She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy
removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.

He grins and said, "All right, one more bet.
A chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

Thinking this was something she knew about,
she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt.
They went to town.A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."

He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"


  v v v v v







Click here: Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search
http://www.biography.com/soulmate/
Fill out the little questionnaire and see who, from history, is your soulmate
Ok ok I had a tough time trying to figure out whether to put this under SILLIES,
SURF OR HERE -- sheeesh

Click here: Ow! Top 100 Best Dumping Lines
http://www.budugllydesign.com/archiveow/top100/dumping.htm
Had enough of that "loser?" Well, fear no more! Simply use any one of these
lines to rid yourself once and for all of that annoying, soon to be ex-lover.

Click here: Breaking Up Divoce Separation - Sometimes Love Hurts
http://www.askheartbeat.com/html/coop17.html
   

  v v v v v


A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old
woman because her hand signals were confusing.

"First you put your hand up, like you're turning
right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you
turn left," said the officer.

"I decided not to turn right," she explains.

"Then why the up and down?" asks the officer.

"Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!"


  v v v v v


CHILI's CHICKEN ENCHILADA SOUP 
thedailyrecipe

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 tablespoon vegetable oil  
4 large chicken breast fillets  
1/2 cup diced onion  
1 clove garlic, pressed  
4 cups chicken broth  
1 cup masa harina flour  
3 cups water  
1 cup enchilada sauce  
16 ounces Velveeta  
1 teaspoon salt  
1 teaspoon chili powder  
1/2 teaspoon cumin  

Garnish  
shredded cheddar cheese  
chunky salsa  
crumbled corn tortilla chips  

DIRECTIONS:  
In a large pot, heat 1 tablespoon of oil over medium heat and  
brown chicken breasts for about 4-5 minutes per side. Remove  
and set aside. Add onions and garlic to pot and saute over  
medium heat for about 2 minutes, or until onions begin to  
become translucent. Add chicken broth. Combine masa harina  
with 2 cups of water in a medium bowl and whisk until blended.  
Add masa mixture to pot with onions, garlic and broth. Add  
remaining water, enchilada sauce, cheese and spices to pot  
and bring mixture to a boil. Shred the chicken into small,  
bite-size pieces and add it to the pot. Reduce heat and  
simmer soup for 30-40 minutes or until thick. Serve soup in  
cups or bowls, and top with shredded cheddar cheese, crumbled  
corn tortilla chips, and a little salsa.  

Yield: 12 Servings  


  v v v v v


The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was
the lovely Agatha S. Skeffington, whose gown was cut so
low in back it revealed her initials.


  v v v v v







Click here: http://www.christianwomentoday.com/home/busyness.html
http://www.christianwomentoday.com/home/busyness.html

Click here: Curves International - Home
  http://www.curvesinternational.com/
Discover a gym where women change their lives 30 minutes at a time. 
Over 8,000 locations worldwide

  Click here: WWW Women's Sports Page by Amy Lewis
http://www.curvesinternational.com/
An index of links to women's and girls' sports pages around the WWW


  v v v v v


There was three boys, one called Willie, one called Zip, and one
called Pea, and they where all in the same class. One day the
three boys were mucking about in class and the teacher got really angry and said,
"zip down, willie out and pea in the corner!"


  v v v v v


If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraqi theater

during the last 22 months, that gives a firearm death ratio of 60 per 100,000.

The firearm death ratio in DC is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are more likely to be shot and 
killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of WASHINGTON, DC!


  v v v v v





Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml


  v v v v v


Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker


1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow
on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q
key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks
may have to use the A or even the Z key).

2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number
key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the
backspace key removes the.)

3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance
of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for
five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard,
or place two keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher
handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be used to
diagnose some genital disorders.


Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.



v v v v v





The Gentlemen at Lunch


Jim:    So your blind date had measurements of  39-23-35?

Jeff:   That's right.  It's just too bad they weren't in that order.


v v v v v


The  Palestinians, understandably, want a homeland of their
own. So far, it doesn't seem chopping up Israel even smaller
than it already is will be a  satisfactory solution for either side.

So why not give France to the Palestinians?

The French have already stated that nothing is worth fighting
for. France certainly has more room, better irrigation and soil
than the West Bank or the Gaza Strip. The houses are nicer,
and tourists will visit, helping the economy. Plus, there are no
pesky Israeli troops there for the Palestinians to hassle with.

Heck, the French won't even fight back ... and they may not
even notice their country's gone. It's possibly the perfect solution!

But what about a name for this new "Franco-Palestine" territory?

May I humbly suggest calling it Frankenstine?


  v v v v v







   v v v v v


In cinemas across the country, cretins of every size, sex and  color are popping up, making
movie-going less and less enjoyable, and video rentals more and more appealing (Heaven forbid!).
I'm sure you know exactly what kind of people I'm talking about, but just in case you  don't, my good
friend Dale Thomajan has listed them in the following comprehensive -- but non-exclusive --step-by-step
guide to behavior in  the theatre:

YOUNG COUPLES:
* Arrive late.
* Wonder why there's no line.
* Hug and kiss frequently during movie.
* Sit directly in front of me.

SINGLE GUYS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
* Talk to movie.
*  Giggle during violent scenes.
* Curse during love scenes.
* Don't take no crap from *nobody*.

SINGLE WOMEN OVER 40:
* Find that cellophane ball they lovingly constructed as a girl.
* Bring it to theatre.
*  Unwrap it during first film.
* Re-wrap it during the second film.
* Sit directly behind me.

MARRIED COUPLES:
* Remain totally silent until picture starts.
* During title credits, start a conversation;
continue it until picture ends.
* When lights go on, remain completely 
silent until next picture starts.

SENIOR CITIZENS:
* Announce first appearance of everyone 
in cast ("That's Greta Garbo... Melvyn  Douglas...Ina Claire").
* Read all on-screen signs, headlines, menus
and letters out loud ("Danger -- Road Closed...Kane Elected").
* Note major plot developments out loud ("He's
got a gun... The sister is at the window").
* Sing along with musical numbers.

UPPERMIDDLEBROWS:
* Attend every European comedy they can, 
particularly the bad ones.
* Laugh at the unsubtitled dialogue.
* Never laugh at the subtitled dialogue.
* If the director appears in a cameo, laugh
loudly to show that that they recognize them.
* Talk softly so not to disturb others; fail.
* Sit beside me.

AGING COUNTERCULTURISTS:
* Laugh at every American movie made
before _Easy Rider_,  except the comedies.
* Affect bushy hairstyle.
* Sit directly in front of me.
* On the way out, ask manager to schedule
Robert Downey (Sr.) festival.

CINEASTS:
* Enter theater shrieking "*Focus!*"
* Race to your seat as credits begin.
* Between films, look around theatre in 
search of blood brothers.
* Carry latest issue of "Variety".

OVERAGE COLLEGIANS:
* Refer to all movies as "flicks".
*  Bring dinner.
* Eat it.

STRANGE MIDDLE-AGED MEN:
* Dress very casually.
* Go to matinees.
* Change seats frequently.
* Talk to movie.
* Get into long arguments with the
similarly afflicted.

What's a proper lady or gentleman to do if this kind of  etiquette continues to prevail at
our movie houses? I say, don't sit back on your haunches and let such flagrant ignorance
be paraded in front of you. If you're as mad as hell, chances are others are too, and whining to
the manager, who's usually already overworked and underpaid, doesn't produce fast, absolute
satisfaction. Direct action must be taken *immediately*, and this is what I'd suggest:

Facing the heathen head-on, assume a strong, threatening stance, with legs apart and the hair
on your neck standing up. Then, curl your upper lip, grit your teeth, and emit a low, barely audible growl. 
If this doesn't elicit the proper response (i.e. silence and fear),  then a quick, sharp bite on the offender's
leg should do the trick -- this almost always prompts them to rush from the theatre immediately, thereby 
making it a safe place once again for all creatures great and small...  of the correct persuasion



  v v v v v







Click here: Musical Instruments Gallery, Music Gallery, Experimental music, and Music Downloads
http://www.oddmusic.com/gallery/index.html
Click on an instrument to view or take the grand tour -- you can even listen to each one!

Click here: Welcome to CountingCrows.com
http://countingcrows.com/index.asp

Click here: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum : Hall of Fame
http://rockhall.com/timeline/
Presenting the Visual Timeline - an interactive, animated compendium of rock and popular music history.
Discover unexpected connections between artists. Track the growth of a musical movement.
Zoom in on the day the Beatles invaded America, or out to a bird's-eye
view of the blues' sweeping influence. It's all here


  v v v v v


A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love
you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she
said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then,
if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the
exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.
"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you
want to hear," I told her.

The conversation rattled on from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were  in
bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'."

He said, "I love you."

I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."

He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

"So I slapped  him."


  v v v v v


Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.


  v v v v v





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Sex advice, girls, entertainment, sports, health, news,
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Nutrition, fitness, fashion, sex, forums, surveys


  v v v v v


A  computer *Does* save time at work.

I can play solitaire without having  to spend all that
time shuffling real cards.


  v v v v v


"I've  got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".

The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?".

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that
blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient nods his head and the doctor  replies, "I'm fucking her."


  v v v v v


What  has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game. 


  v v v v v





  v v v v v


Amarillo  High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when
asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the
road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too
damn ugly to kiss good-bye."


v v v v v


A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The wrangler went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special occasion -- our weddin' night--
and we need a good room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I don't think so. 
I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.


v v v v v


Q. What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?

A. Prisoners complain behind bars.  Husbands complain in them.


v v v v v


The Top 20 Little Known Phobias
chris white topfive.com


20> "There's no way in hell you're getting ME to enlist."
         -- Iraqnophobia

19> "Are the eyes in that Nixon portrait following me?"
         -- Trickydickophobia

18> "Whatever you do, don't turn on the television!!"
         -- Doctorphilandoprahphobia

17> "Look out!  That pigeon is coming right at us!"
         -- Cacaphobia

16> "Don't bother trying to fix me up with that big-breasted girl.
    I'm not going out with her!"
         -- Arackaphobia

15> "Anything but white smoke.  ANYTHING BUT WHITE SMOKE!!!"
         -- Popeaphobia

14> "Please don't make me use a Mac!!"
         -- iPhobia

13> "I... I'll just stay on Boardwalk, if you don't mind."
         -- Gophobia

12> "Just keep your eyes straight ahead, and for God's sake, don't
    jingle the change in your pocket!"
         -- Hobophobia

11> "Magic beans and golden harps give me the willies!"
         -- PheePhiPhobia

10> "Stallone has committed to two more Rocky movies featuring his grandson."
         -- Yo!phobia

9> "There's no way you'll get me out in the countryside.
    Especially not with this erection!"
         -- ViAgoraphobia

8> "I'm just going out for a quick jog around the block.
    By the way, when's the last bus to Albuquerque?"
         -- HumongousOutOfControlWeddingophobia

7> "That soup, it's not... Vietnamese, is it?"
         -- Phophobia

6> "Doctor, why is my skin getting yellow?  Are my breasts
    and thighs getting fatter?  I always feel stuffed."
         -- Perduphobia

5> "ARGH!!!  Get that dorky bald-headed dweeb off my TV!"
         -- Mobyphobia

4> "It's not the spiders -- it's Jeff Daniels.  He just creeps me out!"
         -- Arachnophobiaphobia

3> "Tell all the women to get inside and lock the door!
    The Lakers are checking in!"
         -- Kobephobia

2> "Get that freaking vacuum cleaner away from my head!!!"
         -- Flowbeephobia


    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Little Known Phobia...


1> "I don't want to have to describe Jacko's genitalia!"
         -- SubpoenaPeniPhobia


v v v v v







v v v v v


Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench
when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat!

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But poor Tilly, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.
 

v v v v v


Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido - All talk and no action.


v v v v v

*submitted by*
joeboy118
Click here: LIFE BEYOND FIFTY
http://www.my-tgif.com/life_beyond_fifty.htm

*submitted by*
daveswoodworld

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http://www.seniorcitizens.com/
There are books listed here about living wills, dating, employment, entertainment,
estate planning, healthcare, aging research and more


  v v v v v


There was a great eruption of a south sea island
volcano, and the witch doctor appealed to the tribal
chief, demanding that a virgin be sacrificed to
appease the volcano.

The chief apologized, "I've used up all the virgins
myself, so I guess we'll just have to get used to the noise."


  v v v v v


One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed
forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church.
She got up in front of the congregation and
stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who
picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.

She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young
sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.

"But tonight, because I have come here and done my
penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.

But before the congregation could respond, an old
drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's
right momma, fuck 'em all."


v v v v v


The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near took
out the whole trailer park. His library was a total loss too.
Both books-poof! Up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.


  v v v v v






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http://www.geocities.com/thesciencefiles/eyelash/creatures.html
O M G

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ClinicalTrials.gov provides regularly updated information about federally and
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Before searching, you may want to learn more about clinical trials

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Click here: Medical Library Association: Deciphering Medspeak
http://www.mlanet.org/resources/medspeak
Like millions of Americans, you have probably read a newspaper or magazine article,
tuned into a radio or television program, or searched the Internet to find answers to health
questions. If so, you have probably encountered "medspeak," the specialized language of health professionals.
The Medical Library Association has developed "Deciphering Medspeak" to help you translate
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quality health care information on the Internet.

Click here: National Cancer Institute - www.cancer.gov Home Page
http://www.cancer.gov/
Cancer topics, trials, statistics, research and funding

Click here: familydoctor.org - Health Information for the Whole Family
http://www.familydoctor.org/
This site is from the American Academy of Family Physicians
Answers to so many health questions!


  v v v v v


A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an
older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the
glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week
and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling
of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I'm sure that on your pension you could
never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous
resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be
expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've
come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I
had to share the room with?"


v v v v v


Too many clicks spoil the browse.


v v v v v


*submitted by*
BADVETTE87




v v v v v


Shipwrecked woman to husband:

"I can't believe I'm  finally losing weight and the
nearest mirror is a thousand miles  away!"


v v v v v


The Top 20 Names for the Mall Prostitution Store
chris white topfive.com


20> The Clap

19> Abercrombie & Bitch

18> The Great American Nookie Company

17> Rent 2 Moan

16> Foot Licker

15> Sam Goody Goody Goody Goody Goody

14> Mrs. Feels

13> DD Dalton

12> Victoria's Secretion

11> Sex 5th Avenue

10> J.C. Penis

9> Banana Repository

8> Buns and NoBra

7> Oral Julius

6> Crab-Free Eveyln

5> Bed, Bang and Begone

4> BJ Maxx

3> Sbarrho

2> Chick-Fel-8


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for the Mall Prostitution Store...


1> Twattery Barn


v v v v v


A sorely pressed newlywed sought valiantly to console
his bride, who was crying on the sofa.

"Darling," he implored, "believe me, I never said you
were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our
garbage disposal has developed an ulcer."


  v v v v v





Click here: Just Letters - A browser based multi-user Flash game
http://web.okaygo.co.uk/apps/letters/flashcom/index2.htm
I like this - for about 20 seconds

Click here: Kewlbox: Games: Regal Solitaire
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m_medium=email&utm_campaign=march-game-promo2
10 of the best Solitaire games ever devised! The download version allows you to choose
from 10 different great solitaire games to play, including Free Cell, Spider, Klondike, and Pyramid.
Keep track of your personal best scores for each game, and see how you compare to other players
from around the world. Most of the games have options that allow
you to customize the play of the game.   

Click here: NASCAR.COM - Games
http://www.nascar.com/games/room/index.html
Try the Gas 'n Go game, a crazy pit stop where you gas a bunch of cars.
Or flaunt your stuff with Trivia Challenge. There is even a game for
golfers with racing fuel in their blood.

Click here: zigah.twinoo
http://www.tetris1d.org/zigah/twinoo/twinoo.php
May the best brain hemisphere win!


  v v v v v


My employment search preoccupied our family for months...

One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for
me, he had a list of jobs for them.

They were all silent, until our six-year-old spoke up:

"When are the interviews?"


v v v v v


Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Cannibal (n.), someone who is fed up with people.


  v v v v v





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Click here: Welcome to Parodyville!
http://www.octanecreative.com/Parodyville/index.html


  v v v v v


Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.  Little
Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"


  v v v v v


Five Advantages of having an affair with a married women:

They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell
and no wedding bell!


  v v v v v





Click here: Drivers on cell phones raise ire, but are they unsafe?
http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050410/NEWS01/504100393/1008/NEWS01
It is potentially dangerous and, in some states, illegal.
But thousands of American drivers -- phone to the ear and pedal to
the metal -- are doing it right now.
   
Click here: Cell phones do not cause explosions, according to researcher
http://www.newstarget.com/006469.html
University of Kent researcher Adam Burgess states that stories about cell phones
causing explosions or fires at gas stations is nothing more than a myth.

Click here: e-Government Website/Homapage
http://english.www.gov.tw/index.jsp?id=13&recid=105210&viewdate=0
Taiwan's cell phone companies are busy pushing handsets at children, seeking to grab
the youngest segment of the consumer market. However, the Council on Consumer Affairs
said on Wednesday that cell phone use at too early an age could be harmful both physically
and mentally, and urged parents not to allow children under 12 to use mobile phones.

   
v v v v v


A couple of knuckleheads were out hunting in the woods when they lost
their way.  One of them, Stanley, had read that when lost, you should
fire three times into the air and help will come...

So he did just that - he fired 3 times into the air.

Nothing happened.

An hour later he fired three more times.

After another hour his friend told him to try a third time.

"Okay," said Stanley, "but we're almost out of arrows."


  v v v v v


Ever wonder why women are so bad at parallel parking?

Men keep telling  them
that this:   |<---------------------------------->| is  8 inches.


  v v v v v


The latest employment report shows that the number of people hired last month
was only half what economists expected.

It's not that there aren't any new jobs 
out there, it's just that no one can afford to fill their gas tank and get to an interview.


v v v v v




Wordplay Week!
*groan*


I was a little anxious standing naked in
front of my proctologist and asking him
where he wanted me to sit.  But he just
reached over and pulled out a stool.
(Tooter Day)

Joining a nudist colony saved our marriage.
Once there, we learned to air our differences.
(Little Dockery)

I think the reason the Easter Bunny never
retired is because he took some bad investment
advice and put all his eggs in one basket.
(Bill Fluharty)

After my friend Larry announced loudly
at the local drugstore that he wanted some
extra large condoms, his wife has sure
taken a lot of ribbing.
(Jerry L. Embry)

At the Nursing Home Olympics, Uncle Harvey
tied several others in the prune-eating contest,
but then lost in the mother of all runoffs!
(Tooter Day)

If you're going to play a trick on your
best friend at his wedding reception,
you'll have to pee quickly or somebody's
going to beat you to the punch.
(Chester Ingraham)

People always said they were the perfect pair,
and after going to the wedding, I had to agree.
Oh, and the groom looked nice, too.
(Jerry L. Embry)

My wife and I go camping often.
We love to cook out and take long
hikes -- and the sex is in tents!
(Bill Fluharty)

Every time I feel myself starting to succumb
to my kleptomania habit, I immediately
stop and take something for it.
(Chester Ingraham)

While we were dating, my wife was always
telling me I had a magnetic personality.
So why does she complain now that
I'm always at the refrigerator?
(Harrison Cockerill)

One reason Prohibition didn't work
was because it was so easy to bootleg
liquor.  Plus, those who supported
it were going against the grain.
(Tooter Day)

As soon as the hospital made me
put on one of those little gowns,
I knew the end was in sight.
(Little Dockery)

Remember all those "Ban the Bra"
protests back in the Sixties and how
they turned out to be such a big flop?
(Jerry L. Embry)


  v v v v v


A  handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and
the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. 

His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in
short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make 
the bed, give back rubs, etc. 

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little
fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."


  v v v v v






index.ml
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/7609/
Rainbow of Friendship and Poetry

The Celebrate Friendship Page: Notes on the History and Politics of Platonic Love
http://www.celebratefriendship.org/index2.htm
Where friendship isn't secondary

What is friendship but a relaxed, deep relationship?
http://www.cyberparent.com/friendship/what.htm
Friendship is an in-depth relationship. Friendships are comfortable and relaxed.
Friendship requires meeting the needs of both friends.It is an in-depth relationship combining
trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy. Being able to
trust and relax with your best friend is a big part of friendship. Friendships are relationships.


  v v v v v


If the weatherman says "it's a 50% chance of rain" doesn't that mean he has
no idea if it's going to rain or not?


  v v v v v


I don't think my sister's marriage will
last... Her new husband has a foot fetish,
and on their honeymoon, he got off on the wrong foot.


  v v v v v


WHAT'S  THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?  
The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.   


  v v v v v





Click here: RU Thinking - Girls - True Story: Abortion.
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STD info

Click here: BBC - Science & Nature - Human Body and Mind - Body - Puberty
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/lifecycle/teenagers/


  v v v v v


The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for
two weeks when the Sarge announces,
"I've got good news and bad news.

First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops started cheering at the news.

"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. 
Andrews, you change with Murphy..."


  v v v v v


What's the purpose of a bellybutton?

To put your gum in on the way down.


  v v v v v


I don't know how anyone could date a porn star. Can
you just imagine the scenario - every Friday night
you'd have the same argument: "Should we rent a movie,
or make one?"


  v v v v v





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Click here: Ocean View For The Ladies
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oceanview2.shtml

Click here: Miss 2004 Beautiful Tits Contest
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Click here: I Needed Some Help In Testing The Plushness of My Carpet
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/carpettester.shtml


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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control


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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind


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©1999 - 2005 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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