Welcome
to
Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Artists: GuysBabi, PmsZone, SPerry8231, LuvinTheCountry
Children Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: Katie Scarlett
Five years ago when I started this newsletter/ezine, it looked quite different --- it really
has evolved into something I am very proud of. But you know, recently I have
given a lot of thought to those of you who have seen fit to
allow me and this little venture of mine into your lives. And even more
of you have befriended me and for that I am most grateful.
To the girls who have helped me over the years with the graphics and such, wow - what
can I say except THANK YOU -- it certainly wouldn't look the same without
your knowledge of PSP, and your ever willingness to help. Most but not all of the graphics are generated by them
and even though it is time-consuming they always do it with a smile!
So to all of you who submit wonderful jokes and things and to the girls on
this staff -- you are truly what makes this ezine what it is today!
( I can hear you now --- jeeeez, I thought this was supposed to be a *funny* ezine )
Ok, on with the reason why you are here:
I think you should surf over to the USA links and see if you can pass the Citizenship Test
cause I didn't do so well and I don't want to be the only one *smirk*
As always, there is a lot to see so after the obligatory remarks, we'll get to it!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, break my heart and force me into therapy
for life!) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, DebsSweet@aol.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you
cause darlin', it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
"This is something I enjoy very much. Appreciate all the work that goes into this newsletter,
and have found something useful in every send, or something to laugh at"
BESOFRE
"Debs Rockin and Rollin is an out and out BLAST!"
LilRose8
"Thanks deb for letting me read your paper every week and i enjoy it very much"
Ezyryder73
v v v v v
Answering Machine Recording: "You have reached the breast
self-examination hot line.
Please press 1 now
.Now press the other one."
v v v v v
I bought a new computer today, it's much faster than my old one.
It used to take me 30 minutes to get this frustrated.
Now it only takes 5 minutes.
v v v v v
Outpost.com
http://www.outpost.com/
Zones: Connecting Businesses and Technology
http://www.zones.com/cgi-bin/zones/site/home/index.html
Small Dog Electronics - New and Refurbished Apple / Mac Computers
http://www.smalldog.com/
Spymac :: News
http://www.spymac.com/
Think Secret - Mac Insider News
http://www.thinksecret.com/
Your Mac Life
http://www.yourmaclife.com/
Matias Tactile Pro Keyboard
http://halfkeyboard.com/tactilepro/index.phpbb
v v v v v
Beth: You look mad! Why are you so upset?
Linda: It's work! My boss gave the job I deserved to
another woman! I'm better qualified and have been at
the company longer!
Beth: Oh, that's a shame! What's the position?
Linda: Well, from what I understand, it's on her knees
under his desk!
v v v v v
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
Happy hour is a nap.
v v v v v
Teenmag.com -- What Being a Teen is All About
http://www.teenmag.com/
Campus Dirt.com
http://www.campusdirt.com/index.cfm?id=DRCPC4
Thousands of students just like you are looking to find out what life on a college
campus is really like. They want to know how well lectures are taught, how hard students
work, and what they do on Saturday night. Get a behind the scenes, in-depth look at college
life from over 60,000 current students and recent college grads.
BlueJeanOnline.com: "written and produced by teen girls and young women around the world."
http://www.bluejeanmedia.com/
welcome to seventeen.com
http://www.seventeen.com/
Sweet16*com
http://www.sweet16.com/
Chat, boards, ecards, shop and more
Welcome to Girl Press!
http://www.girlpress.com/
Books for girl mavericks
v v v v v
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats,
for they are subtle and will pee on your computer."
v v v v v
The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower.
I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
John Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to Little Hannah and says, "What's in the box, kid?"
Little Hannah says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
Kerry laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," says Little Hannah.
"Oh that's cute," he says and goes on his way.
A few days later, John Kerry is running with his buddy, Ted Kennedy, and he spies Little
Hannah with her box of kittens just ahead. He says to Ted, "You gotta check this out,"
and they both jog over to Little Hannah.
Kerry says, "Look in the box, Teddy, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens.
Hey, kid, tell my friend Teddy what kind of kittens they are."
Little Hannah replies, "They're Republicans."
"Whoa!" John Kerry says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"
"Well," Little Hannah explains, "their eyes are open now."
v v v v v
THE PROBLEM WITH PRICELINE
traveltips
Using Priceline requires a certain amount of faith.
The company is basically a clearing house for several
airlines' unsold seats. You plug in your destination, your
flight dates, your credit card number and the price you would like to pay.
If they have something in their inventory that matches your
request, they automatically charge it to your card. The
catch is, they don't tell you name of the airline, the
itinerary or the exact times of your flight until AFTER you buy the ticket.
Theoretically, it's great: You get a price you're happy to
pay. But if price isn't the only thing you measure in your
bottom line - if you need to get where you're going by a
certain time or if you hate the thought of spending a couple
of hours reading magazines in an unknown airport during a
layover – your Priceline paralysis may be justified.
There are a couple of other reasons you might want to pause
before committing your credit card to a ticket full of question marks:
* There are no refunds or changes to your itinerary allowed once your bid is accepted.
* You don't collect frequent flyer miles.
* You must be willing to travel between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.
on the days you select with the possibility of a two-hour
layover. You can't reject a seemingly inconvenient flight if
the company meets your price.
* Not all airlines have arrangements with Priceline. That
means there could be better deals out there that you
wouldn't find using their service.
Still, there are some things you can do to get as good a
deal as possible through Priceline.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WaltWiso
A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered,
there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with
a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she
smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as
possible, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to
explain,"'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday.'
Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Walter88
Ray of Sunshine
http://www.angel9oh7.com/ljhrayofsun.html
Beautiful
2. DebsFunPages.com , The Internet's Funniest Fun Pages To Send To Friends, Family, and Co-workers !
http://www.debsfunpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/1169
3. Funny Greetings
http://www.funnygreetings.com/funpages/view.cfm/4571
*submitted by*
grandpasam_5@msn.com
You've Got A Friend { For Michael }
http://www.jalisa.org/YouveGotAFriend.html
The Heavenly Trio: Wishing You A Heavenly Day
http://www.superlaugh.com/1/itsalright.htm
JustSayWow.com
http://www.justsaywow.com/newfun4/friendlove.cfm
Sunny Smiles - Coming Your Way - Friendship - BananaSkies.com - ecards,
funpages,free greetings, love, love cards, online dat
http://www.bananaskies.com/main.php?display=view_ecard.php&id=11153&fn=
TWFsYQ==&em=d2FsdGVyODhAYW9sLmNvbQ==
Lasting Friendship
http://www.send4fun.com/lastingfriendship.htm
v v v v v
An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after months of
recovery he still had a problem. He had to have his penis amputated.
He went to see the doctor and was reassured that he could help.
"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The
physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch
standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It
comes with a lifetime guarantee.
The man said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?"
"This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any
women. But this will cost you $9,000!"
The man said, "Oh yea, that's the one I want. My wife will love me
forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"
"Yes"
"What's in the third box?"
The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our
super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the
ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!"
The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it,
that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does
it have a lifetime guarantee?"
"YES SIR!"
The man had just one more question: "Does it come in White?"
v v v v v
Black Opal
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz rum
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz raspberry liqueur
1 1/2 oz sweet and sour
Splash of cranberry juice
Splash of 7-up
Serve over ice in a tall glass.
Champagne Punch
26 oz champagne, chilled
4 oz cointreau
4 oz cup brandy
12 oz sparkling water, chilled
Makes about 15 servings.
Russian Quaalude
1/5 Stolichnaya
2/5 Frangelico or other Hazelnut flavored liqueur
2/5 Amarreto
Shake with ice and strain into shot glasses!
v v v v v
The Top Features of a Car Designed for Women
chris white topfive.com
10. Dashboard prominently features a digital biological clock.
9. Console has special compartment for all that "junk" you
would normally have to stick in the bottom of your purse.
8. Like dry cleaning, car wash costs 50 percent more than the men's version.
7. Vehicle comes in petite, junior, and full-figured sizes.
6. Vanity mirror on visor also has button for a "dash" of extra
hair spray when needed.
5. Cigarette lighter replaced by a hole that allows driver to
insert fingers one at a time for "instant" manicure on the go.
4. Audio command "Sit down and shut up" prompts seat belts
to automatically wrap around kids and hold them snugly in their
seats when vehicle is placed in gear.
3. OnStar system equipped with a special panic button that
locates the nearest chocolate retailer.
2. A simple controller switch adjusts gas/brake pedal positions
for flats, office heels or soccer mom sneakers.
and the Number 1 Feature of a Car Designed for Women...
1. Fake steering wheel and pedals on the passenger side so,
as in every other aspect of the marriage, hubby can pretend *he's* in control.
v v v v v
My thought for the day is about women who just keep spitting out babies....
"Hey lady?! It's a vagina - NOT A CLOWN CAR!
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband
and I to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call at the end of the day.
I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes, and unknown to me the floor was wet.
Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting
beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911.
At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked,
"What was that?"
"My pager," I said. "I AM 911!"
v v v v v
I had the nicest neighbors one time named Max and
Lynn. Lynn was a true Southern Belle if there ever was one.
Her husband and I were laughing at a sexist joke and
my wife said, "Men are all alike!"
Lynn smiled coyly and said, "Men are all Ah like too."
v v v v v
Telling the Tail
Dogs' tails come in many lengths - from the long, plume-like
tale of the Borzoi to the small, bobbed tail of the Rottweiler.
Some dogs with bobbed tails are born that way. More often,
however, they have their tails surgically docked a few days after
birth. Docking refers to the removal of part or all of a dog's
tail. This is usually done at 1 to 3 days of age for cosmetic
reasons, to retain the look that is characteristic of that breed.
Occasionally, a dog must have his tail docked because of repeated injury.
The tail helps the dog maintain his balance, especially when
jumping, turning at fast speeds, accelerating, and breaking. The
tail is also used as a rudder during swimming. The heavy tail of
a Retriever can also help balance the weight of the game carried
in the mouth.
Dogs use their tails in communication, both with other dogs and
with humans, and the tail speaks volumes. A gently wagging tail
expresses contentment and is a dog's equivalent of smiles and
laughter. A stiffly wagging tail that swishes back and forth
deliberately can indicate a threat. A tail held high can indicate
confidence or aggression, and a tail held low or trucked between
the legs signifies submission or anxiety.
v v v v v
DAFFYNITIONS
Banker: A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and
wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Budget: A method of worrying before you spend as well as afterward.
Critic: A legless man who teaches running.
DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete.
Metallurgist: Someone who is allergic to iron.
Insurance: Paying for catastrophes on the installment plan.
Life Insurance; A contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich.
Pediatricians: Men and women of little patients.
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
Politically Correct Terms
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Bald: Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift: Negative saver.
Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.
v v v v v
Elderhostel : Welcome!
http://www.elderhostel.org/welcome/home.asp
Elderhostel is the nation's first and world's largest educational and travel
organization for older adults
Seniors
http://www.amtrak.com/savings/seniors.html
Senior discounts from Amtrak
FirstGov.gov for Seniors
http://www.firstgov.gov/Topics/Seniors.shtml
Computers Made Easy for Senior Citizens- a non-profit site offering free
computer and Internet training for senior citizens
http://www.csuchico.edu/~csu/seniors/computing.html
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WaltWiso
A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one
month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since
my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous,
drop-dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church
fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green
shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears, but replies,
"No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
Kerry On Iraq
http://www.kerryoniraq.com/
New Page 0
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/gobush.htm
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Got Laughs? Funny Pictures, Jokes and Crazy Humor!
http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/view.cfm/5031
Click to See Your Neighbors' Politics
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/187880/8383497/601391/0/
v v v v v
A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile
later his brake cable snaps. He sees his wife on the porch and manages
to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is
shouting. However, he thinks she should under- stand what he wants if
he uses sign language.
So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary
pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then
puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.
His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her
crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks.
"Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing". So
he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.
Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife.
"Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks.
"Yes", she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the
shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox under the seat
v v v v v
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the
road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under
the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door
bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said,
"I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
v v v v v
PCWorld.com - Shoppers Flock to the Web
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/100829/8383497/364499/0/
It would appear that I am not the only shopping online! Get busy and click
on the businesses at the end of the newsletter! Yay!
BigPileofShirt.com
http://www.bigpileofshirt.com/Main_Page.asp
Funny t's - check them out!
Memorabilia Roadshow Auctions
http://www.memorabiliaroadshowauctions.net/auction.asp
Bids, watchlist and more
Pokkadots.com - Designer Diaper Bags Hip Baby Clothes Cool Funky
Baby Clothes Oink!Baby Munki Munki
http://www.pokkadots.com/
v v v v v
Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing
around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said
that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet, and lost
weight all at the same time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without
acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I
jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now."
v v v v v
E-Mail Secrets
Did you know you can add artwork, photos, smileys and sounds to your e-mail with just
a click of a mouse? If using AOL 9.0 Optimized click on the Write button on your tool bar,
next the Write Mail screen will appear, in the middle of the screen you will see a tool bar
with many options, including smileys, font options, colors and sounds. You also have the option
to choose different types of stationary, just click on the Extra button. If you don't have AOL 9.0
Optimized go to Keyword: Mail Extras
Favorite Places of the Heart
Want to share a page or a Web site with another AOL member? Look for the small
red heart in the top right corner on the title bar of the page. Click on the Favorite Place Heart
and view the options of adding the page to your Favorites folder, toolbar, an e-mail or an Instant
Message. You can also click and drag the Favorite Place Heart into the text of your e-mail
More About Your Password
Your AOL Password is like a PIN number to your bank's ATM machine. With your
password, only you can access your AOL account. It's a good idea to change your password
every month to keep your account secure. You can create a new password anytime at Keyword:
Password. Reminder: AOL Employees will never ask you for your password.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out
of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl,
and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I'll take charge.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."
v v v v v
The best back-to-basics cell phones
http://reviews-zdnet.com.com/AnchorDesk/4520-7296_16-5140612.html?tag=adts
E-mail tap dance: cell phones with integrated keyboards
It's a nice convenience to be able to send text messages and e-mail
through your handset, but constantly punching the keypad to get to the right letter isn't the most
ideal or productive way to send messages. Save yourself the trouble with one of these models;
they come with integrated keyboards and get your fingers tapping.
See them all
Cell Phones with Keyboards - CNET reviews
http://ct.com.com/click?q=32-Gx5IIrQCjNx3tsBu3f0oUJgYNNlR
Philips-Nike MP3Run PSA260 (256MB) - MP3 players - CNET Reviews
http://ct.com.com/click?q=a2-6~M7QXZmTv5tbAEvqVttDWHGg2lR
Creative Zen Touch (20GB) - MP3 players - CNET Reviews
http://ct.com.com/click?q=8a-3y3dQXnnaNbv0oKxF3Cr9GCoUtlR
v v v v v
The bee is one of our most important insects. The only insect
better than the bee is the B+
v v v v v
10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.
v v v v v
Shutting Down Windows
windows me for dummies
Although the big argument used to be about saturated and unsaturated fats, today's generation has found a new source of
disagreement: Should a computer be left on all the time or turned off at the end of the day? Both camps have decent arguments, and
there's no real answer (except that you should always turn off your monitor when you
won't be using it for a half hour or so).
However, if you decide to turn off your computer, don't just head
for the off switch. First, you need to tell Windows about your plans.
To do that, click the Shut Down command from the Start menu and then click the Shut Down button from the box that appears.
Finally, click the Yes button; that click tells Windows to put away all your programs and to make
sure that you've saved all your important files.
After Windows has prepared the computer to be turned off, a
message on the screen says that it's okay to reach for the Big Switch.
The Windows Shut Down menu offers several options now, as you can see by the following list:
* Shut down: Click here, and Windows saves your work, prepares your computer to be shut off, and
automatically turns off the power. Use this option when you're done computing for the day.
* Restart: Here, Windows saves your work and prepares your computer to be shut off. However, it then restarts
your computer. Use this option when installing new software, changing settings, or trying to stop Windows
from doing something weird.
* Standby: Save your work before choosing this one; it doesn't save your work automatically. Instead, it lets
your computer doze for a bit to save power, but it wakes up at the touch of a button.
* Hibernate: Only offered on some computers, this works much like Shut down. It saves your work and turns off
your computer. However, when turned on again, your computer presents your desktop just as you left it:
Open programs and windows appear in the same place.
The Hibernate command takes all of your currently open information and writes it to the hard drive in one big chunk.
Then, to re-create your desktop, it reads that big chunk and places it back on your desktop. It's
not as safe as shutting down your computer.
Don't ever turn off your computer unless you've first used the
Shut Down command from the Start button. Windows needs to prepare
itself for the shutdown, or it may accidentally eat some of your important information.
v v v v v
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture
of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years. Not wanting to
frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight
when the apparition became visible.
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot.
The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture.
After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned.
It was under-exposed and completely blank!
The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
v v v v v
"Men, like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose
direction and begin to bend."
Walter Savage Landor
"Did you hear Kobe's staying with the Lakers?! He
decided to stay with the Lakers out of loyalty. You
can understand why... The last time he wasn't loyal to
someone, it cost him $4 million in jewelry"
Jay Leno
"If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game
were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."
Dorothy Parker
"Many a man's tongue broke his nose"
Seumas MacManus
"Linda Ronstadt was fired by the Aladdin in Las Vegas
for dedicating a ballad to Michael Moore Saturday
night. It's so sad. Hardly a day goes by that SlimFast
doesn't cross another name off the list of possible
replacements for Whoopi Goldberg"
Argus Hamilton
"Tampons are now being made in "designer colors." Whom are
you trying to impress with this? Do you open one and think,
"Well, this won't match"?
Jay Leno
"Some say the death penalty does not deter crime. Have you
ever known an executed criminal who went on another crime spree?"
Lawrence Brotherton
"Police say four inmates broke out of a jail in
Tennessee this week, bought some cases of beer, and
then returned to their cells. This is further proof
that as long as they can have beer, most men are
willing to endure anything"
Jake Novak
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
A man went into his doctors office for an annual check-up. After a bit, the doctor
comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition
which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great! I haven't felt this well in years. This just
can't be true. Is there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that
new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
v v v v v
v v v v v
Men are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
v v v v v
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
v v v v v
An Old security Guard
at a Who Concert
With The Band and Guess Who
as guest ! Ask a young punk !!!
SG . .... Hey Kid
Punk ... what ?
SG ... Who's Playing tonight ?
Punk ... I know Isnt it great ?
SG .. What ? I just wanted to know Whos playing !
Punk ... I Told you .. Who is Playing !
SG... Who ?
Punk ... Yes
SG... Yes is playing tonight ?
Punk .....No Way They Suck
SG .. Then Who is Playing ?
Punk .... You got it !
SG .. I Got What ?
Punk ... Who !!
SG ... The Band !!
Punk .. well yes .. The Band is first then
Guess who plays next
and Who will close it out !
SG ..... Look I dont want to guess !
Just tell me Who is Playing Tonight
Punk ... ok ...Who is playing Tonight !
SG ... I'll just ask someone else
Hey you tell me whos playing !
Punk #2 .... Who is playing tonight !!
SG ....oh Hell not You too
Punk # 2 ... No U-2 plays next week !
SG .... Aaaauuuuuuuuggggg
v v v v v
Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v v v v v
Observing his female coworker's tight fittin' jeans, a man asked in
wonderment and admiration, "How DO you get into those pants?"
"Oh, some nice flowers, a little wine, and dinner at a chic restaurant
is usually a good start," she replied.
v v v v v
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
Salad shooter
v v v v v
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
Miss America?
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
v v v v v
According to a new study, women athletes run faster
after having orgasms. There's one pre-game ceremony
you don't want to miss!
That's what they say -- women run faster after an
orgasm. Actually men do too. After sex, what's the
first thing men say? 'I gotta run!'
Scientists say women runners are faster after having
an orgasm. Hey, maybe that's what Nike means when they
say 'Just Do It.'
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
Recently a smugglers' boat was sighted by one of the U S
Coast Guard units Patrolling the waters off Miami.
The smugglers dumped their load of pot overboard, and it washed up on
one of the off shore islands populated only by sea gulls, terns and
other sea birds.
It was reported on the news the other night that within a couple of days
all over the island... there wasn't... a tern unstoned....
v v v v v
Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage:
Adam couldn't talk about his mother's cooking,... and Eve
couldn't mention all the other men she should have married.
v v v v v
Tina Turner's ex-husband was playing on a very large chessboard
against Mr. Quayle. The former Vice President made a very
foolish move and it was suddenly clear.
In his next turn,
Ike could have Dan's tall knight.
v v v v v
v v v v v
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone
rang. In her rush to answer it, she tripped on a rug, flailed
for something to hold on to and grabbed the telephone table.
It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.
As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leapt up, howling and
barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by all the
commotion, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some
colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver
and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's
voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but
I'm positive I have the right number."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WaltWiso
Breaking news!
CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title.
In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room.
The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows:
(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap
The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen
before including a testicle and a backbone
v v v v v
Divorce online - CompleteCase.com is an affordable way to file for
uncontested divorces online.
http://www.completecase.com/
The Great Illusion
http://www.thegreatillusion.com/
ze's page
http://www.zefrank.com/indexkal.html
This is always good for wasting some time!
Crime Library: crime stories on serial killers, the mafia, terrorists, spies, assassins and gangsters
http://www.crimelibrary.com/
Movie & TV News @ IMDb.com - WENN#1
http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/#1
-::- Free PublicData.com SexOffender Search -::-
http://www.criminalcheck.com/
Type in the zip code you want to check, take a deep breath and
then look at the criminals who just might be living near you!
World Wide Learn | The World's Largest Directory of Online Education
http://worldwidelearn.com/
Online education!
Fido Puzzle
http://digicc.com/fido/
A neat little number thingie
age calculator
http://www.mathcats.com/explore/agecalculator.html
Find out *exactly* how old you are - now *that's* depressing
Portrait Illustration Maker - Let's make an original icon!!
http://illustmaker.abi-station.com/index_en.shtml
AboveTopSecret.com - The Internet's Most Popular Conspiracy Discussion Forum
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/
Paranoia abounds
Interesting optical illusion
http://www.cs.toronto.edu/~moraes/illusion.html
If you have a medical problem with things such as this, please
don't click -- but it's an amazing illusion
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
AirDisaster.Com: Accident Movies
http://www.airdisaster.com/movies/
Video clips of actual airlines disasters in progress - makes you
want to hop on a plane eh
2. New Page 3
http://www.blueshado.com/newwavs.htm
Very funny wavs!!
Haunted Castles and Hotels
http://www.hauntedcastlesandhotels.com/
If you believe in this sort of thing...
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
http://www.riversongs.com/Flas/today.swf
http://www.riversongs.com/Flas/today.swf
Put the puzzle together to receive your message
*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
Live police, fire and airport scanner broadcasts: police scanner:
live scanner broadcasts
http://www.policescan.us/
For those of you who enjoy this...
LOSERS dot ORG
http://www.losers.org/index.html
Fight Back
http://www.fightback.com/
Fight Back acts as a conduit for consumer problem solving and redress.
v v v v v
The teacher asked my boy, "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"
He answered, "A turnip."
"I think you meant to say an onion," she said.
"No, I didn't", he said. "Obviously you've never been hit in the balls with a turnip!"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
The Devil's Lawsuit
There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell
15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh,
I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not
like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave.
We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall
could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.”
So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction
worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done,
hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up.
That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way -- he's
built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you
in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just
laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”
v v v v v
Men are like.....Department stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
What Every Woman Should Have - Best Inspiration from the Net from Dobhran's Inspire!
http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRinspire161.htm
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
DoubleDecker2000 - Name That Tune
http://www.doubledecker2000.com/ntt.htm
2. Ben's Game - Make-a-Wish
http://www.makewish.org/site/pp.asp?c=cvLRKaO4E&b=64401
I didn't download this game and am not sure if it's for kids or adults
Cybergrrl
http://www.cybergrrl.com/fs.jhtml?/views/dv//
National and state resources for domestic violence, etc.
Safe Horizon Domestic Violence Shelter Tour
http://www.dvsheltertour.org/
Oxygen Homepage
http://www.thriveonline.com/health/herhealth/index.html
FGC Education and Networking Project
http://www.fgmnetwork.org/html/index.php
Be aware --- female genital cutting and mutilation
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
http://www.noah-health.org/english/illness/stds/stds.html
Go Ask Alice! - Columbia University's Health Q&A Internet Service
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/index.html
Free Games - Hangman - Solitaire - Quizzes - Puzzles
http://www.bellaonline.com/misc/games.asp
Lots and lots of free games
v v v v v
THE WORST PICK-UP LINES:
"Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant
you right here!"
v v v v v
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What
shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"
v v v v v
Problem: Mouse is jumpy, and control is anything but precise
mindconnection.com
What is probably happening:
Dirt in ball
What to do
Rub it on a clean piece of paper, or use a mouse cleaning kit. Take the
ball out and wipe it. Slap the silly thing, if you have to.
v v v v v
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the
young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy
couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
So he went over to the bush and saw his friend starring at a
woman bathing. As they were looking at the naked woman all
of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took
off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and
asked, "It was interesting man, why did you run away?"
The other boy replied, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked
lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
v v v v v
Daily Word Search Puzzle
http://thinks.com/daily_word_search.htm
InkLink®
http://www.shockwave.com/sw/content/inklink15
Riotous, addictive multiplayer fun. Score points as you draw and guess the secret words.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part
of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and
lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young
doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set
up with so few people to practice on."
"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example,
most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year.
"My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb
garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients
at church, at the store, whatever -- right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them
they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them."
He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for
some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add
up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.
"A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better
they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working.
"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure
everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Scribbles - Home
http://www.scribbleskidsart.com/
2. White House Kids Home Page
http://www.whitehouse.gov/kids/
3. Welcome to Postopia!
http://www.postopia.com/index.aspx
4. Welcome to Play Kids Games.com
http://www.playkidsgames.com/
5. Kidmusic, personalized cds, personalized music cd, custom music cds,
Kidsmusic, personalized childrens gifts, kids bible son
http://www.kidmusic.com/
6. Kids' Korner Network -- Safe, entertaining, educational web site for children
from 0 to 12 -- Stories, songs, riddles, rhyme
http://www.kidskorner.com/
Cybercones.com - Make A Virtual Ice Cream Cone
http://www.cybercones.com/
v v v v v
Talking to her lawyer, Sue said, "I want you to help me
get a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" inquired the attorney. "Does he
force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No, he doesn't do that," replied Sue. "And neither does the little queer."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
OldVersion.com
http://www.oldversion.com/
Older versions of different programs - in case you prefer the older ones?
2. tafbar.com
http://www.tafbar.com/?affiliate_id=251740&tafbar_id=33
Tafbar is a free tool that provides you the ability to send any web page to your friends.
As you wander the web you can send any page you come across
to family and friends with a single click
Mike Lin's Home Page
http://www.mlin.net/Clipomatic.shtml
Clipomatic is a clipboard cache program - it remembers what was copied to
the clipboard even after new data is copied, and allows you to retrieve the old data.
While there are many programs that do the same, none are quite so convenient,
simple to use, or efficient as Clipomatic.
v v v v v
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux wuz sittin out backa dere trailers shootin deh breeze.
Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out
fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"
Thib scratched his head for a bit and den sed, "I don't think
so...but it shore would make us even!"
v v v v v
POLICE ONE-LINERS:
"You want me to be fair? Listen, 'fair' is a place where you go to ride on
rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horse shit!"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
A few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private pool:
1) Thongs are encouraged... however only if certain conditions are met.
1a) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total
square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of
bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van,
a string bikini should be frowned upon.
1b) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool
and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more
cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type movies.
2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing
suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist world, but
it's the world that we live in.
3) Curlers are strictly verboten.
Now that Summer is here, here are a few rules for what men can and
cannot wear at a private pool.
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
1a) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo,
you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your
chest may be, if your be