Rockin' and Rollin'

Welcome
to

Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Artists: GuysBabi, PmsZone, SPerry8231
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: KatieScarlett

Happy VD!

This is fair warning to all of you guys and gals to remember your 'sweetie' on Valentines Day!
You know, it's not just for the gals out there! So hop to it -- and while
you are shopping online (through this website of course) be sure and send me
something sweet - - not that I'm not already sweet, but a little more
couldn't hurt right? Just my hips where I might as well smear it on there because that
is exactly where the chocolate would end up!

Ok, my chocolate cravings aside, let's see what DebsCupid has found for you this week:

Oh - hey! Sure would appreciate you taking a minute out of your day to
write us and let us know how we're doing -- I really do
read each and every single email you send in - so get those fingers
going! ---> DebsSweet@aol.com

In case you enjoy auctions on EBay or maybe you haven't tried it yet, you'll find some
helpful tips in the CHECK IT OUT section below.

From the ever-hilarious Shiny Happy Head comes this cool tip: ( AOL only: Keyword:
MovieLink - movie downloads at an 80% savings! Limited Time Offer y'all )

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, DebsSweet@aol.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Be careful when surfing the Internet! I have checked each link submitted and they are in working
order as of this date. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus software.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you
cause darlin', it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!

"HELLO DEAR FRIEND,,
I HAVE JUST MOVED AND GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL ADDRESS.......CAN YOU RE- SUBSCRIBE
ME TO YOUR MOST FABULOUS NEWS-ZINE?
THANKS,,,,HAVE MISSED YOU
JACK JACKSON"
RJackson13@mygalaxyexpress.com

"KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK ON THE NEWS LETTER. IT IS GREAT"
BadBob4652

"PLEASE SIGN ME UP....I AM SOLD!!!!!!! LOVE THE BLONDE JOKES. PAT of TX"
pat_4681@webtv.net

v v v v v

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's
boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his
house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality
by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

v v v v v

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

v v v v v

Sex:

Some Is Good - More Is Better
Too Much Is Just About Right

v v v v v

ioIsland.com - ClearTweak
http://www.ioisland.com/cleartweak/
If you have an LCD monitor or laptop, you may notice that things aren't
as clear as they should or could be. This little application should fix it right up.
ClearTweak changes the contrast in the ClearType setting in Windows XP.
You must have a video adapter and monitor that supports a color setting
of 256 colors. Do not try this on a standard CRT monitor -- it may make it blurry.

*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net
myFavorites v1.0.15b - Freeware Files.com - Internet Category
http://www.freewarefiles.com/programs.php?ProgramID=6172&categoryid=5&subcategoryid=52
myFavorites - is a program that helps you to store and organize the information you found in the Internet.
myFavorites stores not only the links to the Internet data sources, but also Web page citations
along with your comments. Easy ways of viewing, searching, and managing the stored information make
myFavorites an irreplaceable tool for preparation of a report, article, summaries, and the like

Crazy Browser v1.05
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file_description/0,fid,23119,tk,hsx,00.asp
Crazy Browser lets you check out multiple Web sites at once and spares
you the ads. If multimedia is wasting your time, you can turn that
off, too. Use any of a number of search engines that come with the
program, or use your own. Smart Popup Filter and P3P privacy policy
support help you keep tabs on who you're dealing with. And the
program's tabbed interface lets you open several sites inside one
browser and makes your navigation easier.

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Granny B 132

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said:

"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything
you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

v v v v v

Adults are just kids who owe money.

v v v v v

Q:
I lose my dial up connection each time I send an email using Outlook
Express. How do I fix this?

A:
OE can be set to hang up after it sends or receives email. This is a great
feature if you have limited monthly hours online, but can be really
annoying if you decide to check your mail while your surfin' the web.
Fortunately this feature can be turned on or off.

Go to Tools / Options, then click the "Connections" tab.

If you want Outlook Express to hang up after sending or checking mail,
check the box. If you DON'T want it to hang up after, just uncheck the box.

NOTE: If you are someone who downloads their email then reads it offline
(hang up after receiving), keep in mind that this can cause you to get a
red X where a graphic should be. We get email from readers all the time
who complain that the pictures are missing from the newsletter. Since our
pictures load from the server, you must be online when reading or printing
to get the pictures.

David
Worldstart.comworlds

v v v v v

*submitted by*
JOHNRHAMBY

I saw in a newspaper ad the other day about a new
erectile dysfunction drug that claims it will allow
a man to last seven times longer than Viagra.

On the same page there was a story about Elizabeth
Dole disappearing and speculation that she
may have gone into hiding.

v v v v v

v v v v v

There was an Indian, a caveman, and a cowboy.

One day they ran out of food and decided to go hunting. The Indian
went out and got a bear, and the caveman and the cowboy said,
"How did you get that?" He said, "Me find tracks me follow
tracks me get bear".

So the next day the cowboy went out and
got a deer, and the caveman said, "How did you get that?"
He replied, "Me find tracks me follow tracks me get deer".

The next day the caveman arrived back from his hunt all
bloody and disfigured. The Indian and cowboy said,
"How did that happen?" And the caveman replied,
"Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get hit by train".

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
N O G G I N
http://www.noggin.com/

2.   Prongo.com is a Fun, Interactive and Educational way to learn for kids.
http://www.prongo.com/

3.   Awesome Library - K-12 Education Directory
http://www.awesomelibrary.com/

4.   KidsClick! Web Search
http://kidsclick.org/

5.   Morgan's Kids World-Fun For Kids-Best Bet On The Net
http://discover-net.net/~mlana/morgans_kids_world.html

Jeannie's Table of Contents
http://www.jeannieshouse.com/

Smithsonian Kids - Collecting
http://kids.si.edu/collecting/

Teddy Bear pages by Gregory Bear, Teddy bear links and more!
http://w1.866.telia.com/~u86607510/index.htm

10 Edible Play Dough Crafts for Busy Little Kids
http://www.thefamilycorner.com/family/kids/crafts/edible_play_dough.shtml

Seussville Games
http://www.seussville.com/games/

v v v v v

Confucious Really Said This . . .

... man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.
... man who throw dirt, losing ground.
... man who fishes in other's holes, get crabs.
... he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.
... cow with no legs, ground beef.
... two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
... baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become
shiftless bastard.
... bird in hand, make difficult to blow nose.
... finding old man in dark, not hard.
... it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for
boy to park meat in girl.
... man who jizz in cash register, come into money.
... man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
... man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
... man who go to bed with itchy asshole, wake with stinky finger.
... learn to masturbate, come in handy.
... war not determine who right, war determine who left.
... naked man fear no pickpocket.
... squirrel who run up woman's leg, not find nuts.
... woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.
... support bacteria, is only culture some people have.
... man who eat too many jellybean, fart in technicolor.
... man who marry girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.
... man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
... man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
... he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.
... even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.
... wash face in morning, neck at night.

v v v v v

When short hemlines came back into
fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out
of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't
figure out what to do with my other leg.
Patricia Dunn

I've heard that the truth will
set you free, but I'm a bigger
fan of frightening the eyewitness
into recanting her testimony.
Tom Sims


Living is easy with eyes closed...
Maybe so, John, but *driving* is a bitch.
Arthur Levesque

I've noticed that every graduating
class has a huge nerd in it.
Except ours, from what I can see.
Doug Sykes

I thought about getting a bidet, but
decided it was cheaper and just as
efficient to do a handstand in the shower.
Pamela Rice Hahn

I'm afraid my cell phone will give me
brain tumors, so now I just use a
headset and set the phone in my lap.
Gary Kee


Is it just me or do they make contact
lens commercials blurry on purpose?
M. Tramdack

v v v v v

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and
his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the
doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor,"
she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question
which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?
I must confess I don't know much about history."

v v v v v

EntirelyPets.com- Pet health products - Rx and
Non-Rx - Free Same Day Shipping!
http://www.entirelypets.com/

Does Your Indoor-Outdoor Cat Need a Litterbox?

Are you intending to be one of those people who never deals with
a litter box at all? Unless you're living on ten acres of your
own private property, we think you should reconsider your
decision and get your cat a litter box.<berakHere>

Letting your cat use the great outdoors as he chooses is unfair
to your neighbors and unhealthy to the people who come in contact
with cat waste in their own flower beds - including members of your own family.

If your cat wanders the neighborhood (not a good idea, but too
often a reality), you need to do what you can to get him to do
his business at home. Keep a litter box clean and accessible to him at all times.

Get the scoop on all the right stuff for your feline family
member with Cats For Dummies, 2nd Edition
[ http://portal.hungryminds.com/etip.asp?topic=dd29&promo=FeaturedTitles&link=www.
dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764552759.html ],
by Gina Spadafori and Paul Pion, DVM, DACVIM.

v v v v v

Morris checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead
cockroach on the floor.

He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss.

"Sir, please calm down," the manager replied, "It's dead.
What's the excitement ? It can't bother you now."

"The dead one doesn't bother me," Morris said.
"It's his pallbearers."

v v v v v

v v v v v

Government Office Rules

1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
Fartimer.com - Funny Greetings, Animations, Fun Pages, and Cute Stuff!
http://www.fartimer.com/naughtyinchurch.shtml

2.   VeryFunnyPics.com - Funny Pictures, Comics, and Cartoons
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/cartoons/misc/imagepages/91.htm
LOL

3.   Man Claims to Have Married Britney Spears First
http://badjocks.com/man_claims.htm
hehehe

4.   MadBlast - Slap Simon Silly
http://www.myfunstart.com/companion/index.cfm?pc=mbptb1
Keep on slapping!

*submitted by*
WMBAAS
LiquidGeneration's Super Bowl Halftime Show
http://www.okayamigo.com/share/member_create_1.php
Lots of truth in this spoof!

StupidVideos • Your Web-Repository of Stupid Videos
http://www.stupidvideos.com/

When I Think Of You
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/butt.shtml

How Fast Food Burgers Are Made
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/burger.shtml

Snap, Crackle, Plop
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/carter11.shtml

If They Mated
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mated35.shtml

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Baby in a bottle spoof for the warped and fun, drunk, beer drinking, country loving man
http://www.lunacytoons.com/feature.php

2.   new2
http://www.lunacytoons.com/sitemap.php
Funny stuff

*submitted by*
WMBAAS
New Page 1
http://www.myshutter.com/flash/Say_something_nice.htm

? the farting dot - its a dot. it farts. its dotfart.com ?
http://www.dotfart.com/

v v v v v

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is
her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.
How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides,
it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

v v v v v

v v v v v

Joe was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and
behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his
trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by
the Customs agent at the border. "May I see your
identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet", replies Joe.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the
border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" exclaims Joe. "I have
a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a
picture of Bob Dole on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the
agent. "By golly, you're right!", exclaims the agent. "Go on
home to Massachusetts."

"Thanks", says Joe, "but how did you know I was from Massachusetts?"

The agent replies, "I saw the picture of Ted Kennedy in between."

v v v v v

PCWorld.com - Will Your Cell Phone Kill You?
http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,92444,00.asp
Will your cell phone kill you? A medical researcher who says radiation is a real risk is taking
his crusade online, and searching for more evidence from anyone interested.
This latest warning comes from Dr. George Carlo, an epidemiologist and coauthor of
"Cellphones: Invisible Hazards in the Wireless Age." In a prepared statement at the recent launch
of his Mobile Telephone Health Concerns Registry (MTHCR) site, Carlo asserts that "with medical
science indicating increased risks of tumors, cancer, genetic damage and other health problems
from the use of cellphones, the government and the cellphone industry have abandoned the public."
Continued - at site

Cellular Spam Could Be Banned
http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,55144,00.asp
Congress is considering measures to protect cell phone users from location-tracking
technology that some are calling the next "Big Brother."

PCWorld.com - Can You Use Your Cell Phone in Paradise?
http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,109328,00.asp
The myriad islands of the southern Pacific Ocean are gradually moving into the age of mobile
phones and Internet access, according to a report released recently by independent
telecommunications analyst Paul Budde

v v v v v

My doctor canceled me as a patient. He said I'd gone too long without
having anything expensive

v v v v v

Why Fishin' Is Better Than Making Love

* When you go fishin' and you catch somethin,' that's good.
If you're making love and you catch somethin,' that's bad.

* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

* In fishin' you lie about the one that got away.
In lovin' you lie about the one you caught.

* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie,
and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

* You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.'

v v v v v

v v v v v

Stanley and his fiancée Georgette were a modern couple, quite realistic about the state
of marriage these days. They met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows.
   "Pastor," said Georgette, "we wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony."
   "Yes, Georgette," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?"
   "Well," said Georgette, "we'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read,
'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'"

v v v v v

Strawberry Grand Marnier Cheesecake Dip

1/2 cup Strawberries; Crushed
1/4 cup Walnuts; Finely Chopped
1/4 cup Dark Brown Sugar
1/3 cup Grand Marnier Liqueur
1 cup Cream Cheese; Softened
1 cup Sour Cream

Reserve 1 tbsp. each of the strawberries and walnuts for the garnish. In a small bowl,
mix the strawberries, brown sugar and liqueur. Set aside. Blend the cream cheese and sour
cream until smooth. Add the strawberry mixture, blending well. Fold in the walnuts. Mound
the reserved strawberries in the center and ring with the reserved walnuts.
Cover and chill. Makes about 3 1/2 cups of dip.

v v v v v

Aesop's Fables - Online Collection - 656+ fables -
http://www.aesopfables.com/

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (Project Gutenberg)
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/People/rgs/alice-table.html

American Children's Literature
http://www.yale.edu/ynhti/curriculum/units/1997/2/

Beyond Nancy Drew - A Guide to Girls' Literature in the Sallie Bingham
Center For Women's History and Culture
http://odyssey.lib.duke.edu/women/beyond-nancy-drew.html

v v v v v

Signs That Your Guardian Angel Dislikes You

* As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in the wind whispers, "Dammit!"

* Always starts breakfast chat with "Hey, hotcakes -- I got your syrup right here!"

* After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare Company, the only acting gig you
can land is as "Dead Crack Ho" in a UPN movie of the week.

* Only after you're committed to the mental hospital
for schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices.

* That's too big to be *bird* caca on your shoulder.

* The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just COMPLETELY unacceptable!

* Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas.

* You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike Tyson, Latrell Sprewell, Sean Penn, and Mickey Rourke.

* You're out of work, you bang your head every time you get in the car,
and the new Mrs. Rodman nags *AND* snores.

* Devil on your left shoulder: "You can beat the train."
Angel on your right shoulder: "I concur. The locomotive is definitely beatable."

* Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck.

* Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank the monkey.

v v v v v

FunForwards.com - Share some fun with everyone!
http://www.funforwards.com/poems_songs/january02/iloveyou.cfm
Say 'I LOVE YOU' in 87 different languages

Personals & Singles at Mingles.com - Personal Ads, Matchmaking, Dating, Chat
http://www.mingles.com/personals.asp

Welcome to Friendfinder - the leading personals network for dating, romance, marriage, and fun!
http://www.friendfinder.com/go/p2671.subLinks

1LoveLane - The Place to Find Love! - matchmaker, matchmaking, personals, personal ads,
gay, lesbian, chat, personals, datin
http://www.1lovelane.com/

Free Dating Services @ CyberDating
http://www.cyberdating.net/

Dating Services - NoW at Crazy Dates
http://www.crazydates.com/

A Christian Singles Cafe - Site For Single Christians Looking for Love Dating Personals and Dating.
http://www.christiancafe.com/?id=2711

Romance Club Guests
http://www.romanceclub.com/guest/index.html

v v v v v

There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show
who's driving whom crazy.

v v v v v

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

v v v v v

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark
red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark
red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he
finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says,
"I think I've been marooned!!"

v v v v v

Yahoo! Wallet

Yahoo! Wallet is a secure online storage system for payment
information. The virtual wallet holds your credit card data and
shipping information. When you make an online purchase with
Yahoo! Wallet, you enter your Wallet information instead of your
credit card information. Yahoo! then completes the transaction
with the merchant, using high-security connections to transmit
your credit card number.

You can use the Yahoo! Wallet only in a Yahoo! store or when
buying a Yahoo! service. You can't use it on eBay, or at
Amazon.com, or any shopping haunt outside Yahoo! The Wallet does
work in every Yahoo! store, however, which means thousands of
online merchants accept Wallet transactions.

Yahoo! Wallet provides a secure method of shopping online, and
beyond the safety it offers, it also saves you time. No longer,
when shopping at a Yahoo! store or buying a Yahoo! service, do
you need to dig out your credit card, enter personal information,
and type your shipping address. All of that is accomplished in
the single quick step of entering your security key.

The security key is the . . . um, key to the whole Wallet. It's
like the PIN of a bankcard. You enter the key whenever using the
Wallet to buy goods or services from a Yahoo! page or merchant.
The Wallet does the rest of the work.

To check it out and sign up, visit the Yahoo! Wallet site
[ http://wallet.yahoo.com/ ] for more details. And if you enjoy
the ease of shopping with a Yahoo! Wallet, then you might also be
interested in the Microsoft .Net Passport
[ http://www.passport.net ] service, which can save you time at
even more online merchants.

Customize Yahoo! to deliver the content you want with Yahoo! For
Dummies, 2nd Edition [ http://portal.hungryminds.com/etip.asp?topic=dd11&promo=FeaturedTitles&link=www.dummies
.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764507621.html ],
by Brad Hill.

v v v v v

*submitted by*
JOHNRHAMBY

A woman goes to the police station to report that her husband was missing.

"Can you give me a description of him?" asked the officer.

"He's short and bald and skinny and wrinkled and wears dentures," answered the woman.
"Come to think of it, most of him was missing before he was."

v v v v v

There are two sides to every argument, but I don't
have time to listen to yours.

v v v v v

Traveling? Take AOL With You
Did you know you can get your AOL e-mail anywhere there is Internet access?
Learn how to use AOL Mail on the Web.

Member Favorite: Personalize Your AOL
Our members love that they can personalize the AOL service to suit their needs.
Everything from creating a look and feel for your AOL desktop, to setting spam controls, to
setting your mailbox preferences. All the preferences are listed in one place, easy to scan,
in alphabetical order. Just visit AOL Keyword: Preferences.

Strut Your Stuff
Show off your personality. Did you know you can add wallpaper to the background of your IM?
Choose from hundreds of patterns and images in dozens of categories. To set your
IM Wallpaper, go to AOL Keyword:Buddy Wallpapers.

Plus, pick from a list of hundreds of sounds your buddies will hear each time you send them
an Instant Message. To choose an IM or Buddy Sound,
visit AOL Keyword: Buddy Sounds.

Try These Other AOL Features

New to AOL?
Take a FREE AOL class at AOL Keyword: New Member Central.

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Dottiesue 16

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story
with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert
Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was
a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down
so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of
twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, ''til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy teach you from that horrible story?

"Stay away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

v v v v v

A state trooper stopped Betty for going 15 miles over
the speed limit.

After he handed her a ticket, Betty asked, "Don't you
give out warnings?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied. They're all up and down the
road. They say, 'Speed limit 65.'"

v v v v v

Some Guys Get Really Pissed When Their Girlfriends Dump Them or Cheat On Them
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/lostdog.shtml
Ouch!!!

SaveMyShow.com
http://www.savemyshow.com/
Vote - let your voice be heard about your fav TV show

*submitted by*
PMSZONE
The Hello World Project
http://www.helloworldproject.com/
Want to send a message to the world? This site will help you do it in a spectacular way.
Send in your message, and see how it is projected by a laserbeam onto a mountain
overlooking Ipanema Beach in Rio de Janeiro, onto the UN building in New York City, onto
the most prominent building in downtown Mumbai or onto a 140 metre tall water fountain in Geneva.

2. Make your own Midi Here
http://www.geocities.com/lmaupin.geo/make_your_own_midi.html

3. INTER.FACE - average portrait of Russian internet users
http://www.keepahead.com/r.ihtml?294245_7269_8434320_http://interface.net.ru/en/_END_
On the basis of his/hers self-identity the user compiles a portrait-avatar. Each portrait
gets it's own unique id, so later it can be used as one of the means of representing network identity.
All created portraits are collected in a database and processed by a special algorithm.
Separated network individuals reunite in one average portrait of the Net User,
the blurred image of which finally becomes defined.

4.   WWF US: Endangered Species - Polar Bear
https://secure.worldwildlife.org/polarbears/index.html
Polar bears are in danger from pollution, climate change, and human encroachment
on their habitat. Adopt one virtually and contribute to the World Wildlife Fund's good preservation work

*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
Goals & Goal-Setting: Setting Goals at myGoals.com
http://www.mygoals.com/
Welcome to the Web's leading site for setting and managing all of your personal
and professional goals. myGoals.com walks you through a comprehensive, step-by-step
goal-setting process for any goal, whether it's short-term or long-term, easy or difficult, practical
or lofty. We also provide pre-made GoalPlans® for popular goals, to get you started even faster.
Once you've set a goal, we'll send you reminders via email that arrive precisely when you
should be working on each task. myGoals.com keeps you focused
and on track until you accomplish your goal.

2. The whatUseek Directory
http://dir.whatuseek.com/
Seek and ye shall find

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
http://www.nws.noaa.gov/om/windchill/index.shtml
http://www.nws.noaa.gov/om/windchill/index.shtml
Wind Chill Temperature Index

2. Heat Index
http://www.crh.noaa.gov/pub/heat.htm

3.   Drive-ins.com: Welcome
http://www.drive-ins.com/
The definitive resource for drive-in information

4.   Sugarqube Greetings
http://sugarqube.com/

*submitted by*
KP1983
Linx4U26
http://wtv-zone.com/feast/html/linx2/linx3/linx4u26.html
Lots of links to check out if you so desire!

2. Catalogs.com - Order Catalogs from around the world for Free!
http://catalogs.com/catalog/default.asp?from=apt1

eXtreme Segway
http://7pounds.net/users/extreme_segway/gallery.htm

Motown Historical Museum - Detroit
http://www.motownmuseum.com/mtmpages/index.html

SeeMeRot.com :: Live Coffin Cam :: Now with New image every 10 seconds!
http://www.seemerot.com/
O M G -- can this be real?

horoscopes
http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/horoscopes.html
Ouch!

http://www.coldtomatoes.com/games/juggler/pongleur5.swf
http://www.coldtomatoes.com/games/juggler/pongleur5.swf
Learn to juggle - actually it's a game :D

Morphases - More Faces
http://www.morphases.com/editor/
This is a revolutionary face manipulator -- in real time!

v v v v v

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable
words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick
me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher
reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny.
Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"

v v v v v

v v v v v

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he
decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

v v v v v

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting

to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than
$20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

v v v v v

Review: Norton SystemWorks 3.0 for Mac

Norton's SystemWorks 3.0 is an ubersuite. It bundles the 8.0
version of the venerable Norton Utilities, which includes the
disk-repair utility Disk Doctor, the defragmentation utility
Speed Disk, the deletion tool Wipe Info, the file-recovery tool
UnErase, and the recovery duo FileSaver and Volume Recover. To
find out what else you'll get--and how much you'll have to pay
for it all--check out our review.

Read the SystemWorks for Mac review:
Norton SystemWorks 3.0 for Mac - Software - CNET Reviews
Review: Norton SystemWorks 3.0 for Mac
http://ct.com.com/click?q=c3-x1yCQJLmN_MJEoWI9gypNZdBxFyR

v v v v v

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,
but not so beautiful that people think
you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
but not so wealthy that people think
you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,
but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

v v v v v

Ivanhoe's Medical Breakthroughs - Play It Again, Please
http://www.ivanhoe.com/story/p_playagain.cfm
Delaying MS progression

Painful Genital Condition More Common Than Thought
http://www.personalmd.com/news.jsp?nid=516928

High Estrogen Levels Stress You Out
http://www.personalmd.com/news.jsp?nid=517153

Alzheimer's Risk in Men Tied to Low Testosterone
http://www.personalmd.com/news.jsp?nid=517117

v v v v v

How did you lose your job at the dress shop?" a woman
asked her friend.

"Well, after trying on about 85 dresses, the customer
said to me, "I think I'd look nicer in something flowing" -

And I suggested the Mississippi........."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Jrtopcop

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100
bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to
do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.'

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious
with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the
reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would
just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money.
Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time
my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.'

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Amanda260
Drinking / Party Games - Card Games
http://www.drinksmixer.com/games/cat0.html

A DAY AT THE BEACH
Ingredients
1 oz Coconut Rum
1/2 oz Amaretto
4 oz Orange Juice
1/2 oz Grenadine

Glass Type
Highball Glass

Directions
Shake rum, amaretto, and orange juice in a shaker filled with ice. Strain into a highball glass
over ice. Add grenadine and garnish with a pineapple wedge and a strawberry.

A GOODNIGHT KISS
Ingredients
4 oz Champagne
1 splash Campari Bitters
1 Sugar cube
1 drop Angostura Bitters

Glass Type
Champagne Flute

Directions
Place a drop of angostura bitters on a sugar cube and drop into a champagne flute.
Add champagne and splash of campari.

A SOUTHERN SCREW
Ingredients
2 oz Vodka
2 oz Southern Comfort
6 oz Sunny Delight
Ice

Glass Type
Collins Glass

Directions
Pour over ice, stir and serve.

v v v v v

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-
time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-
timer inquiringly...

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never
believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the
Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women and I
ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!" said the old-timer.

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
JOHNRHAMBY

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys
in her bedroom while she was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you
don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in
my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, but the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the
knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the
backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to the door. When he opened it,
there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yea, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Crosswords refdesk.com
http://www.refdesk.com/crosswrd.html

Car Drive
http://upchucky.com/flash-games-9ball.html

http://www.coldtomatoes.com/games/juggler/pongleur5.swf
http://www.coldtomatoes.com/games/juggler/pongleur5.swf

*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
Zooass Fun & Games - Escape From Neverland
http://www.zooass.com/games/neverland/

B3TA : GAMES ARCHIVE
http://www.b3ta.com/games/

Thinks.com - brain games, puzzles and pastimes
http://www.thinks.com/

v v v v v

*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net

Why Men Should Be Built By Kodak

* They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.

* You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.

* They last longer and come with a warranty.

* You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if
not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

* They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

* They come in fashion colors.

* You can keep them in maximum zoom.

* They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

* The parts that count are portable.

* They don't mind over-exposure.

* They respond to the slightest touch.

* The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
WMBAAS

PMS SOS
~Copyright 2004 by Lynetteisfunny.com

If I could be painted, I would be yellow as in "caution" or
better yet, "watch out."

That’s because I am under the influence of PMS.

Yes, premenstrual syndrome has once again taken over my brain
and turned me into a monster. Small animals and children
should not be allowed around me. Men should cringe in the corner.
Expect to hear me yelling back at the television because I will
disagree with everything said.

I would dearly love to run away from myself but I can’t figure out how.

It’s a woman thing but it affects all who come near. It’s really quite
scary and magnificent all at the same time.

I’ve tried all of the remedies: vitamins A through Z, exercise,
bright lights. If I could walk until I calmed down, I’d be halfway to Brazil by now.

Chocolate helps. In fact, I already placed an order with See’s
for a two-pound custom mix. I made sure to include enough decoy
pieces to distract the children so I can eat the good pieces myself.

See’s is a wonderful chocolate company that is very popular in the West.
They started in the Los Angeles area and were always a big part of every
holiday in my family. Now they are on the web, so y’all can get fat with me.

v v v v v

Southern Comfort Orange Muffins

1 cup Southern Comfort
3 oz. dried cherries -- chopped (about 3/4 cup)
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter or margarine
2 eggs
Zest of 1 orange
2 cups flour
1 t. baking soda
1/4 t. salt
Juice of 1 orange
1 T. sugar

Pour Southern Comfort over chopped cherries in small bowl. Cover and allow to sit for at
least 8 hours or overnight. Preheat oven to 400°F.   Cream sugar and butter together until fluffy.
Add eggs and zest and beat well. Combine flour, soda and salt; add to creamed mixture
alternately with Southern Comfort cherry mixture. Blend until well mixed. Portion batter into greased 2-3/4
inch muffin cups. Bake in 400°F oven for 20
minutes. Remove muffin pan to wire rack. Brush muffins with orange juice and sprinkle with
sugar while still warm. Allow to stand 5 minutes before removing from pan.

v v v v v

v v v v v

In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.

v v v v v

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my
cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.

After a few moments a technician came to her
co-worker's defense.

"Sir...Do you know what happens to aggressive males
in this office???"

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BillieJo50

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation,
they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good
health they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father."

v v v v v

Backing away from earlier predictions, the FDA did not
approve silicone breast implants.

But as a stopgap measure they have approved new cleavage-enlarging
contacts for men.

v v v v v

Fodors.com > Features > Smart Travel Tips > Tips for Women Traveling Solo > Safety
http://www.fodors.com/features/nfdisplay1.cfm?name=stt/010316_stt_women_safety

AAA Michigan - Travel Tips & Articles - Ten Tips for Women Travelers
http://www.autoclubgroup.com/michigan/travel/travel_tips/articles.asp?articleID=151&sectionID=2

v v v v v

*submitted by*
JOHNRHAMBY

When man invented fire, he didn't say, "Hey, let's cook"...

He said, "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!"

v v v v v

Bald Pick-up Lines

* "You're beautiful, and that's not just the Rogaine talking."

* "I will shower you with gifts with the money I save not buying shampoo."

* "Your eyes are sparkling -- or maybe that's just the glare off my head."

* "Can you see yourself in my head? How about my pants?"

* "Would you like to run your fingers on my head?"

* "Wanna go back to my place and see my hairpiece?"

* "There are two things missing from my life: healthy hair follicle growth and you."

* "Wanna buff me?"

v v v v v

v v v v v

The Top 7 Things Overheard at a
   Nudist New Year's Eve Party

7> "Hey, everybody, Happy Nude Year!"

6> "Cut it out! The traditional midnight kiss is on the *lips*!"

5> "Ohmigod! Dick Clark's got the body of a 110-year old!"

4> "Wanna learn what 'stroke of midnight' *really* means?"

3> "Look! Now the other one is dropping!"

2> "That's not exactly what I meant when I suggested we blow our
hooters at midnight."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard
at a Nudist New Year's Eve Party...

1> "Let's all try to see more of each other this year."

v v v v v

Tips - The Men
http://www.beverleywedgwood.co.uk/html/tips_-_the_men.html
Tips for what to wear for the wedding -- groom, groomsmen, etc.

Dating tips, Great dating tips for men providing top attraction tips and online dating tips
http://1st-dating-tips.com/

v v v v v

You Know You're A Dog Person If.....

* Your dog sleeps with you at least five nights a week.

* You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

* You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

* Lint removers are on your shopping list every week.

* You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

* You sign and send birthday and Christmas cards from your dog.

* You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

* Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

* Dog poop is a common source of conversation for you and your significant other.

* You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield
because there are noseprints all over the inside.

* You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.

* You have 18 different names for your dog.
Most make no sense, but she understands them all.

* Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.

* Your hungry significant other comes home from work, lifts the cover
of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"

* Your hungry significant other once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.

* Your weekend activities are usually planned around taking your dog for hikes.

* You develop your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it.

* You have your dog's picture on your office desk, but no one else's.

v v v v v

Scratch Polish.com - The Glass Scratch Restoration Specialists offering best
solution for restoring damaged glass and plasti
http://www.scratchpolish.com/

Do It Yourself: Fireplace
http://diynetwork.com/diy/hi_fireplace/article/0,2037,DIY_13914_2578712,00.html

Do It Yourself: Faucets & Fixtures
http://diynetwork.com/diy/ba_faucets_fixtures/article/0,2037,DIY_13710_2275806,00.html

Do It Yourself: Heating & Air
http://diynetwork.com/diy/el_heating_air/article/0,2037,DIY_13804_2268594,00.html

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Dottiesue 16

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped
into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband
had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Jrtopcop

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was

living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps

banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side
screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

v v v v v

Users cling to old Microsoft operating systems | CNET News.com
http://ct.com.com/click?q=00-4FQlI9QgBoCXLN9jw4i8xe7BbheR

Users cling to old Microsoft operating systems
Microsoft can stop selling older operating systems, and it can
even stop supporting them, but that doesn't mean that customers
won't still use them. Even though Microsoft said this week that
it will stop distributing Windows 98 at the end of this month, a
new study shows that a substantial number of businesses, both
large and small, are still using it. Find out more in the CNET News.com story.

v v v v v

Back in the 1960's white activists often got their hair styled in an
afro -- a large bush-style hairdo -- to show support for civil rights.

One such fellow did so, and arrived home smiling and announced that
he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.

His wife, who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing,
sneered, "Great... just great... now during foreplay I'll have to
look for a needle in a haystack."

v v v v v

"64K ought to be enough for anybody"
Bill Gates, 1981

"A couple was arrested for getting naked and having
sex in a public ATM cubicle for more than an hour. How did
they do it for an hour? If I take more than a minute,
the guy behind me is yelling: 'C'mon, pick it up, will ya? Let's go!'"
Jay Leno

According to a new CNN Gallup Poll on the most-admired
people in America, the pope is the most admired by 4
percent and Bill Clinton by 3 percent.

So apparently, infidelity, lying and fornicating only
costs you 1 percent. That's a hell of deal.
Jay Leno

According to a brand new report, this year airline
passengers have been subject to longer delays and
ruder service than ever before. When asked about it, a
spokesperson for the airlines said, "Shut up and get back in line!"
Conan O'Brien

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine,
they say the position you sleep in says a lot about
you. They say women who sleep on their sides are
sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are
competent, and women who sleep on their backs with
their ankles behind their ears are very popular."
Jay Leno

v v v v v

The Top 8 Geek Holiday Traditions

8> Changing screensaver from Pamela Anderson in a skimpy bikini
   to Pamela Anderson in a skimpy Mrs. Claus outfit.

7> Only hacking into butterball.com on Thanksgiving,
   godivachocolates.com on Valentine's Day and
   whitehouse.gov on President's Day.

6> Solving the Christmas Travelling Salesman Problem:
   Calculating the shortest distance needed to visit all the
   stores in your holiday shopping spree.

5> Microsoft Bob-ing for Apples.

4> Just like the rest of us: Spending time with friends and
   loved ones like LNXLVR, CODEMAN_THE_BARBARIAN and SPOCK253.

3> Explaining the theory of quantum tunneling to skeptical kids
   who don't believe that Santa comes *through* the fireplace.

2> Making candied Apples and selling them as iMacs.

and the Number 1 Geek Holiday Tradition...

1> Carving up the Linux Butterball penguin.

v v v v v

Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml

v v v v v

*submitted by*
Granny B 132

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how
serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

v v v v v

Friends
http://www.wtv-zone.com/TACKEYPANTS/Lils_Homepage/Friend.html

FunForwards.com - Share some fun with everyone!
http://www.funforwards.com/poems_songs/july02/recipe_for_friendship.cfm

JustSayWow.com
http://www.justsaywow.com/pages/imthereforyou/imthereforyou.cfm

Send4Fun.com Greetings and Funpages
http://www.send4fun.com/pages/illbenear/illbenear.cfm

Because Of You -- www.funtown.com
http://www.funtown.com/becauseyou/becauseyou.cfm

*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
Sweet Honey Bear Greet
http://www.riversongs.com/Flas/honeybear.html

*submitted by*
Walter88
Best Friend!
http://www.specially4u.net/j/bestf.htm

2.   FunForwards.com - Share some fun with everyone!
http://www.funforwards.com/funpages/view.cfm/976

*submitted by*
DeVulcano
From my house to your house
http://www.angel9oh7.com/houseoffrnd.html

v v v v v

Classified Ad

OLD FORD TRACTOR

Missing Steering Wheel and Seat

Perfect for someone who has lost their ass
and doesn't know which way to turn!!

v v v v v

Decade: A cooling drink enjoyed on cruise ships.

v v v v v

Hummus
This Mid Eastern-style dip is delicious served at room temperature with pita bread.
Serves 4.

Ingredients:
" 2 cups Garbanzo beans (chickpeas), canned, drained
" 1 1/2 teaspoons Garlic, minced
" 2 1/2 ounces Lemon juice
" 1 1/2 ounce Tahini (sesame seed paste)
" Salt to taste
" 1 1/2 tablespoons Olive oil
" Water

Step 1: Mix all ingredients (except water) in a food processor. Run until well-mixed.

Step 2: Add the water (one to two tablespoons) until smooth. Serve immediately or store covered in the refrigerator.

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
FL R2D2

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on
them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which
you'd like to have dinner with."

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the
mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and
give you a headache."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
WaltWiso

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, move to Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic
cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely
naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS ! ! ! ! ! "

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

v v v v v

v v v v v

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

v v v v v

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining
all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

A clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"

He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled
doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

v v v v v

Music player play-off

After months of testing and practical use, iTunes emerged as a
favorite music jukebox amid heavy competition, with titans such
as Windows Media Player and Musicmatch Jukebox duking it out.
iTunes came to the party a bit late, but its designers paid
attention to which features worked. It takes an exceptional
product to earn a permanent place on some desktops!

iTunes for Windows - Download.com - Free downloads, shareware, and more.
http://download.com.com/3000-2166-10235268.html

Get the rest of the media players mentioned here:
Download.com - Free downloads, shareware, and more.
http://ct.com.com/click?q=9d-kkCWQv0emtlBmRssnm7JqIwMp74R

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The drug maker responsible for bringing us Viagra,
recently reported that sales were way down.

They think that all those old guys that were the major
users of the product have finally figured out that sex
with someone's grandmother isn't worth $20.

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There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding
night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant
and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband
went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally
found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to
sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each.
And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.

While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and
thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away.
The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning,
he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife
was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked
the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted
"You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

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v v v v v

"Well, last week I done made a mistake," said Les. "I
went to the local hardware store and bought some
Vigaro (fertilizer) but it tasted awful and didn't do
what I thought it was supposed to do. My neighbor then
told me that there was a difference 'tween Vigaro and Viagra!"

"Actually," said Lee, "your dick should be turning
green 'bout now."

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v v v v v

*submitted by*
Tictoc7083

JUST GOT THIS NEWS...

KNEW YOU'D WANT TO KNOW !!

AP-UPI-released two hours ago. Junior Senator Hillary Clinton of New York was flying
cross-country last night in her private plane and was forced to make an emergency landing in southern
Texas because of bad weather. She was unhurt and the National Transportation Safety Board
officials have determined that pilot error was the major cause of the accident. The accident
scene pictures including the wreckage of Hillary's plane have been released prior to
being returned to upper New York State for major repairs.

NTSB officials have also indicated that the Junior Senator was not wearing the appropriate
seat belt or safety restraints, was flying in IFR conditions while only having obtained
a VFR, single engine land rating, and will be cited for those violations accordingly. NTSB officials
also say the absence of a post crash fire was due to the lack of sufficient fuel on
board to sustain flight. There were no on ground fatalities.

NTSB crash photo

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Berry Cobbler

2 pint fresh blueberries or strawberries, sliced (5 cups)*
1/3 cup sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1cup all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon sugar
11/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon Salt
1/2 cup milk
1/3 cup butter or margarine, melted
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

Preheat oven to 375'F. Combine berries, 1/3 cup sugar
and cornstarch in medium bowl; toss lightly to coat. Spoon into 1 1/2-quart or 8-inch-square baking dish.
Combine flour, I tablespoon sugar, baking powder and salt in medium bowl.
Add milk and butter; mix just until dry ingredients are moistened. Drop six heaping tablespoonfuls
of batter evenly over berries; sprinkle with nutmeg. Bake 25 minutes or until topping is golden brown and fruit is bubbly.
Cool on wire rack. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Berry Cobbler Makes 6 servings

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EBAY AUCTION TIPS
Buy and sell like a pro with these tricks.
TechTV | EBay Auction Tips
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=38926&release=4829

TechTV | Scan Photos Like a Pro
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=38616&release=4795

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Seen on T-Shirts

* I childproofed my house, but they still can get in.

* On the front: - 70 ain't old
On the back: if u r a tree

* I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now.

* At my age, 'getting lucky', means finding my car in the parking lot.

* My reality check just bounced.

* Life is short... make fun of it.

* I'm not 60... I'm $59.95 plus tax

* Annapolis: a drinking town with a sailing problem.

* I need somebody BAD... Are you BAD?

* Physically pffffffffffft

* Buckle up. Makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car!

* I'm not a snob... I'm just better than you are.

* It's my cat's world: I'm just here to open the cans

* Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

* Keep staring: I may do a trick, yet.

* We got rid of the kids. The Cat was allergic...

* Dangerously under-medicated.

* My mind works like lightening. One brilliant flash, and its gone.

* Every time I hear the dirty word, 'exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

* Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture

* Live you life so that when you die, the
preachers will not have to tell lies at your funeral

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Excommunicate: To receive a phone call from a former spouse.

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*submitted by*
Amanda260
Inside Baghdad
http://html.wral.com/sh/idi/news/iraq/maps/index-baghdad.html
Click on the little city markers and whatever you choose - satellite photos or whatever, will
show up on the map - click one of the markers on the map too!

*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
President George Bush ~ AngelRays Cards
http://www.angelrays.com/plain/gw.html

2.   Sacred Pages.com
http://new.sacredpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/1273

*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com
Joe Cartoon : The Saddam Capture Video
http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/saddam/
LOL! don't miss this one

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Email Our Troops! - Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Airmen and Coast Guardsmen - USAFNS
http://www.usafns.com/email.shtml

*submitted by*
GuysBabi
NewsMax.com: Inside Cover Story
http://www.newsmax.com/archives/ic/2004/1/10/202213.shtml

Tax Information for Members of the U.S. Armed Forces
http://www.irs.gov/newsroom/article/0,,id=97273,00.html

WHAT IS A VET
http://mrmom.amaonline.com/special/whatisavet.htm

Grunts.net - Home of U.S. Military History
http://www.grunts.net/

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What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

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SNOWBALL KISSES

1/2 lb Butter (Softened)
1/2 c Sugar
1 ts Vanilla
2 c Flour
1 c Pecans (Finely Chopped)
15 oz Hersheys Kisses
1/2 c Powered Sugar

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream butter in a large bowl.
Beat in sugar and vanilla until light and fluffy. Add flour
and pecans and mix well. Chill dough in tightly covered
container overnight. Remove the foil from the Hershey's
Kisses. Shape dough around kiss using about a teaspoon of
dough per Kiss. Bake 10 to 12 minutes on ungreased cookie
sheet until set, but NOT brown. While warm, sprinkle with
powered sugar. Store in a covered container.

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*submitted by*
daveswoodworld

If you are at all concerned with people knowing where you go or what you
do on yahoo......check it out:

Yahoo can track us and see what kind of sites we are looking at!! BUT,
ALSO HOW TO OPT OUT OF IT!! Which I did, first thing! Here's how....

"Yahoo is now using something called "Web Beacons" to track Yahoo Group
users around the net and see what you're doing and where you are going -
similar to cookies.

Take a look at their updated privacy statement:

http://privacy.yahoo.com/privacy/us/pixels/details.html

About half-way down the page, in the section "Outside the Yahoo! Network", you'll see a
little "click here" link that will let you "opt-out" of their new method
of snooping. It is strongly recommend that you do this. Once you have
clicked that link, you are opted out. Notice the "Success" message the
top the next page. Be careful because on that page there is a "Cancel
Opt-out" button that, if clicked, will *undo** the opt-out. Feel free to
forward this to other groups. Of course, if you don't mind Yahoo
recording every website and every group you visit you should ignore this message

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*submitted by*
Kdr1938

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her
in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving, at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband
switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This
man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the
Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked
over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

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*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net
Write a Senior Citizen
http://www.writeseniors.com/

NSCLC: National Senior Citizens Law Center: Helping older people to live in dignity and freedom from poverty
http://www.nsclc.org/

Seniors-Site.com -- for adults 50+ (senior citizens) their children & caregivers
http://seniors-site.com/

Senior Citizens' Home Page
http://www.intecon.com/senior/

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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher:   Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller:   I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang......

Dispatcher:   Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller:   Running from the police. So don't send them.

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Prevent Damage from Snowblowers

When using a snowblower to clean your sidewalks and drive-
ways, be aware that the snow will be flying at high speeds.
The damage caused to young trees and perennial plants can
make the plants more susceptible to disease in the spring,
and kill buds and young growth. If you must blow in the
direction of your plants, cover them with burlap.

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*submitted by*
JOHNRHAMBY

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists,
any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.

They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor,
throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you
to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!

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*submitted by*
DeVulcano

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept
refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what,"
he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you
name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went
to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw
painted on the side: "For Sale."

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FIX PC ANNOYANCES

TechTV | Fix PC Annoyances
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=39341&release=4856

PC World's Steve Bass shows you how to say goodbye to the annoying things
about your computer.

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*submitted by*
cher2@cfl.rr.com

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the
lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a
Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks,
"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon.

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told
that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

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MedTrack
Category: Palm OS > Tracking
Rated: No Rating
Version:1.1 License: Shareware
Cost: $10
This program allows you to maintain logs of you blood pressure, blood sugar and...
MedTrack - Download Shareware software from our Tracking category
http://pda.tucows.com/palm/preview/348373.html

RaceSched
Category: Palm OS > Sports
Rated: No Rating
Version:1.0 License: Freeware
This program allows you to track the NASCAR race schedule.
RaceSched - Download Freeware software from our Sports category
http://pda.tucows.com/palm/preview/348370.html

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My missus, back when we were young,
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung.
When asked how it ripped,
She replied as she stripped,
"Doc, that man I just married is hung!"

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Disgusted man at a bar: "My girlfriend is such a cheat
and a liar. I've been going with her almost a year
now, and I never would have known she was married
until my wife mentioned it just the other day."

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The Romance Reader
http://www.theromancereader.com/
The very latest news and views of romance novels

TheRomantic.com: 1000s of Creative Ideas and Free Expert Advice on Love,
Relationships, Dating ? Romance
http://www.theromantic.com/

WhoDoYouLove.com : Love & Romance for Modern Times
http://www.whodoyoulove.com/

LoveCards
http://www.whodoyoulove.com/lovecards

Love Horoscopes - Compare your love horoscope with your love's horoscope to
see if you have a romance match.
http://www.whodoyoulove.com/loveastrology

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*submitted by*
JOHNRHAMBY

Kind of ironic, isn't it? Roy, of Siegfried and Roy, has been playing around
with a dick all of his life ends up getting eaten by a pussy.

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Real Life Definitions

Adult Education - a strenuous effort to learn stuff that bored you
when you were young enough to profit from it.

Bride - a woman who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband
carries her across the threshold.

Career Girl - a woman who gets a man's salary without marrying one.

Clever Girl - a woman who knows how to give a man her own way.

Education - what you have left over when you subtract what you've
forgotten from what you've learned.

Experience - what you think you have until such time you acquire more.

Good breeding - that quality which enables a person to wait in
well mannered silence, while the loudmouth gets service.

Idiot - any person who fails to see your point in a discussion.

Lawyer - a cat that settles differences between two mice.

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HEART RINGS
Cinnamon flavor and chocolate give these heart cookies their yum factor.

What you'll need:
1/4 cup red hot cinnamon candy
1 (1 pound) package sugar cookie mix
1/4 cup flour
1/2 cup confectioner's sugar
1 tablespoon water
Decorative sugars (pink and white)
1 (13 oz.) bag M&M'S® Brand Milk Chocolate Candies for Valentine's Day
Food processor
What to do:

Using a food processor, crush the red hot cinnamon candy into a powder. Set aside.
Prepare the sugar cookie mix according to the directions on the package.

Blend in the cinnamon candy powder and flour.

Roll a walnut-sized nugget of the resulting dough into an 8-inch strand. Form the strand into a heart
and place on a cookie pan. Repeat. Once all the dough has been shaped into hearts, place
the cookie pan in the freezer for at least 15 minutes.

Remove the pan from the freezer and bake immediately in a preheated 350 degree
oven for 8 to 10 minutes. Cool completely.

Prepare the glaze by dissolving the confectioner's sugar in the water. Spoon the resulting glaze
over each cookie. Sprinkle with the pink and white decorative sugars.

Arrange M&M'S® Brand Milk Chocolate Candies for Valentine's Day on the cookie hearts,
attaching them with drops of glaze.

Makes 24 cookies.

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*submitted by*
Jrtopop

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down,

measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, 'What the hell is taking so long?
Hit the damned ball!'

The guy answers, 'My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot.'

'Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

v v v v v

*submitted by*
DeVulcano

One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man
who invented the hay-bailing machine. Needless to say, he
made a bundle.

v v v v v

CPSC, Nautilus Direct Announce Recall of Bowflex Power Pro Fitness Machines
http://www.safetyalerts.com/recall/p/04/p0013488.htm

CPSC Warns Of Hazards from Heaters and Fireplaces Recent Fire Deaths and Carbon
Monoxide Poisonings Prompt Government Safety
http://www.safetyalerts.com/articles/03/fire.htm

FDA Announces Plans to Prohibit Sales of Dietary Supplements Containing Ephedra
http://www.safetyalerts.com/articles/03/ephedra.htm

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The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading
one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with
"Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start
with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight..."

v v v v v

Got Your Email Right Here
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/email.shtml

Now I Know Why He Is Smiling
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/oats.shtml

Ice Loving
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/icelove.shtml

The Winner of The Men's Wet T Shirt Contest
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wettshirt.shtml

Adult Friendfinder - The World's Largest Sex Personals Site
http://adultfriendfinder.com/go/p21091.subLinks

Talk To The Breast
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/breastalk.shtml

Just doin' business ...
http://www.grin-reaper.com/keepcarb.htm

Fifty ways
http://www.grin-reaper.com/wavs/50ways.htm
Audio naughty!

THE BOB & TOM SHOW
http://www.bobandtom.com/gen3/oddities.htm

B3TA : QUIZZES ARCHIVE
http://www.b3ta.com/quizzes/
Adult!

MadBlast - X-Rated Wheel Of Fortune
http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=2365

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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control

v v v v v

Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind

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©1999 - 2004 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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