Editor: DebsSweet
Graphics Editor: LuvinTheCountry
Yessss!
OH, I am in such a good mood. It's been a week since my last AOL crash!
Am I living right or what? *jumping up and down*
Nothing new here -- just hot -- as I am sure it is where you are too!
Come on FALL, y'all
FYI - this issue is looonnngggg
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED from this mailing list, please send an email
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Please be careful when surfing the internet! I have checked each link submitted
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order as of this date. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current
with your
anti-virus software.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you
cause darlin', it's time to ROCK AND
ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
"Hi Deb I love your joke emails!
Could you please so me a favor? Could you change my email address from X
X? Thanks............that's the address I now use for joke emails to keep them separate from regular emails.
Keep up the good work Deb you're soooooooo cool.........."
David Jernberg
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When You're Cheating...and When You're not:
Some ground rules to help people determine if
the sex counted. This list
of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral Sex does not count.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't
count
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count
5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs
for this", doesn't count
7. An old flame, doesn't count
8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity fuck"
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry,
not sex...not cheating
10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation
11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves,
not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant
other
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a
skeleton in
the family closet "...not cheating
16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it,
it was public right?)
17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified
masturbation"
18. In car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion
and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and
erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer
back to rule #1
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did
not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count
20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count
21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating
22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count,
this should be referred to as "being neighborly"
24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count
25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count,
this should be considered " getting aquainted ".
26. An act with a US President , doen't count, unless the Senate
votes impeachment.
27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career
enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!
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from me to you!
v v v v v
You ever notice the word engaged has the word "gag" in
the middle of it?
Just something to think about ladies.
v v v v v
The health section of my newspaper had an
article titled: The
Dos and Don'ts of Rectal Bleeding. I can only speak for myself,
but I place that firmly in my "don't" category.
v v v v v
An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered
martini after
martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in
a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the
Irishman had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives!"
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indianagene
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International soccer needs some new marketing
folks. I'd have
become a World Cup fan a decade or two earlier if I'd known about
the drinking
v v v v v
I like the old vampire movies because they let the horror build
up slowly. Things start out normal and then get creepier and
creepier. Kind of like the Al Gore sex scandal. Craig Ferguson
v v v v v
My boss is like a fine wine. All I want to do is drive a corkscrew
into him but my co-workers keep saying, "Not yet, let's wait for
a special occasion." Brad Osberg
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said, "Help wanted."
There was another sign below it that said "self service."
So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a
raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I am a ......
Shitcreek survivor
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Lovingyou.com: Love, Romance and Relationship Resources
When should you have sex for the first time?
Do not do these things on a first date - way too many do #1
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--==++ The Mayan Calendar Speaks ++==--
Mayan Calendar says life is like a strawberry pie: Sometimes
it GETS INCINERATED BEYOND F%#$ING RECOGNITION!!
Don't ask Mayan Calendar -- I don't know what the hell Lady Gaga
is trying to prove, either.
v v v v v
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and
says, "Excuse me,
can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
v v v v v
BillieJo50
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen
sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked
your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
v v v v v
What Your Skin is Telling You - AOL Health
Skin can reveal far more than acne and wrinkles -- it can actually signal serious health conditions like diabetes and cancer. "The skin reflects everything that is going on inside," says Dr. Jeffrey Dover, associate clinical professor of dermatology at Yale School of Medicine and director of SkinCare Physicians, a dermatology practice in Chestnut Hill, MA. "It's a mirror to the functioning of your internal organs."
Did you know that what color fruits and veggies you consume is just as
important as how much you consume?
Dr. Oz's 6 Tips to Keep Your Brain Sharp - AOL Health
A study published almost a year ago in the
journal Neurology held some surprising facts about age-related brain disorders,
Dr. Mehmet Oz explained during a luncheon and discussion held last month in New
York City called "Beautiful Minds: An Assessment of the Nation's Brain
Health."
Called the Nun Study, researchers gathered long-term data on more than 600 nuns
in Minnesota and found that 21 percent of study participants that had lesions
and plaques in their brains -- key markings of memory disorders such as dementia and Alzheimer's --
and yet lived their lives with no outward signs of disease.
Worst
Time of Day to Eat ... For Your Teeth - AOL Health
If you want to keep your teeth sparkling white and cavity-free, don't indulge
in an after-dinner or midnight snack. The BBC News reports that eating food at
night can seriously damage
your teeth, according to a study from the University of Copenhagen in
Denmark. Here's the kicker: It doesn't matter what you eat. A piece of fruit
will do as much damage as a bowl of ice cream.
Are Boomers Aging Gracefully | Aging Baby Boomers | Baby Boomers Drugs | ThirdAge Articles
Aging baby boomers ... now that's something we never thought we'd see. And according to new research, we may not want to watch it, either. The generation known as Baby Boomers may go into old age broke and fat, researchers say.
v v v v v
Why did the blonde put her finger over the
nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
v v v v v
Train wreck trifecta: Saturday night I took the Toyota
to gas up at BP and rent a Lindsay Lohan movie
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The city boy goes to countryside to visit his uncle. After the
sun goes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He
gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are
werewolves!"
"That's rubbish, boy, ain't no such thing".
"'Then, there must be man-eating wolves".
"No, we haven't got those buddies, either."
"What is this sound, then?" the boy asks.
"They are coyotes".
"Coyotes? What are those?"
"They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind
of dog." The boy wants to find out more: "Why are they making that
frightening noise?"
"See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got cactuses!"
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Dottiesue16
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Sure, being ripped apart by lions is a terrifying thing, but
nothing compares to that paralyzing fear when you can't find the remote.
v v v v v
Every 10 years, the United States
government
performs a census to get a better
read on
its citizens. This was one of those
years.
And just what
did they learn?
The Top 16 Interesting Facts From the 2010 Census
copyright chris white topfive.com
16> In Wyoming, a bear counts as three-fifths of a person,
unless it poops out the other two-fifths.
15> 47% of high school seniors have engaged in sexting at least
once, along with 3% of *actual* seniors.
14> 78% of Ohio residents have recently replaced the word
"douchebag" with "LeBron."
13> "Jedi" religion outnumbered "Christian" for the
first time,
causing rapid changes in the GOP's strategy for the 2012
presidency, with Obi-Wan Gingrich the clear front-runner.
12> Double-digit percentage of female respondents who checked yes
for "Slept with Tiger Woods."
11> "Kenya" entered as country of birth, then covered with
Wite-Out by a resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
10> While 54% of Americans believe a Borders fence is not the
answer, the majority of those admit they don't shop at
bookstores anyway.
9> Nation now 0.4% Wigga.
8> The same percentage of respondents who say they regularly
watch Glenn Beck also say they fear filling out the census
might lead to being hauled off to a dungeon by Obama's
commie stormtroopers.
7> No matter what race or religion, Mel Gibson hates 'em all.
6> The most popular name for men 18-34 is now "Haywood Jablowme."
5> Amazingly, 100% of Arizona residents are American citizens.
4> West Virginia has the highest per capita rate of appendix transplants.
3> The number of Americans reporting their occupation as "Reality
TV Participant" now exceeds the population of North Dakota.
2> Most-listed race below the Mason-Dixon line: Daytona 500.
and
Topfive.com's Number 1
Interesting Fact From the 2010
Census...
1> To get a more accurate count, turnstiles were installed on
Nadya Suleman's and Michelle Duggar's hoochies.
v v v v v
How to Tighten Your Browser's Security
One of the most basic ways to protect your computer from potentially harmful online content or malicious software is easy, fast and free. How? Just make sure your browser's security settings are set at the appropriate level. No matter which browser you use, always follow these top five security tips:
Wireless Security” is an Oxymoron, But There is Hope - Reviews, News, and How To Geeks
WiFi is everywhere. Whether you travel for business or simply need Internet access while out and about, your options are plentiful. You can sign on at airports, hotels, coffee shops, fast food restaurants, and now, airplanes. What are your risk factors when accessing wireless? There are plenty. WiFi wasn’t born to be secure. It was born to be convenient. Wireless networks broadcast messages using radio and are thus more susceptible to eavesdropping than wired networks
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harlmilligan
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal
Pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.
None of the
Hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the
only one
Who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have
to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
can't use an oral thermometer.
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and
bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I
have to get something.
Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath
as he
Heard people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's
doctor came into
the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone
Having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed....."Not with a carnation."
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indianagene
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The Top 8
Questionable Ways to Get Rid of Fleas and Ticks
8> Install teeny-tiny motion detectors on your dog and cat.
7> Add a gorilla to the pet family. They love to groom.
6> Send your pets to camp for the summer. Voila! Your house is
flea and tick free.
5> Bathe animal in bacon-infused shampoo. Problem licked.
4> Hire the Pied Vuvuzelaer of Hamlin to drive them out. Gets rid
of those pesky kids as well.
3> "Here, kitty kitty kitty. Come swim in the nice Gulf!"
2> Pack their tiny bags and leave them by the front door. If that
doesn't work, ask them to go to the store for milk then change
the locks to the pet doors while they're gone.
and the Number 1
Questionable Way
to Get Rid of
Fleas and Ticks...
1> Give your Persian a Brazilian.
v v v v v
The war in Afghanistan has more nasty leaks
than a urologist's
waiting room.
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"Brewers in Austria have created a
cheese-infused beer. Didn't that
used to be called 'vomit?'" Jay Leno
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BADVETTE87
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says: "Did you know that Elk’s have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
v v v v v
Held by All Breed Rescue and Training, a nonprofit dog training
and outreach center, Romp in the Park included an agility course, a parade of
rescued dogs and a “best trick” contest.
The event’s purpose is to recognize International Homeless Animals Day and
bring awareness to homeless dogs in the Colorado Springs area.
“There are so many amazing dogs who don’t get the opportunity to get a second
leash on life,” said Lauren Fox, executive director of All Breed Rescue and Training,
which finds homes for the animals.
Like their Siamese relatives, Oriental cats are active, inquisitive, and energetic, according to Iams.com. They also demand lots of their owners' attention. But though they sometimes can be a bother, they are extremely intelligent, loving and playful, and will talk your ears off. If you're looking to adopt a cat, you may want to choose a different breed if you're unwilling or unable to give an Oriental the unusual amount of attention it deserves. Those who work from home or at least own other animals make ideal Oriental owners.
Through a Dog's Ear - Music for dogs and everyone who loves 'em!
Yes, you know I'm going to order these!
MMojoy
What a magnificent dog! I miss my Chow - he was so regal!
Feather Cat Toy - Pets - MarthaStewart.com
Great cat toy you can make - looks like fun too
Words to Save Your Dog's Life - Pets - MarthaStewart.com
This is a wonderful article that every dog parent should read!
How Does Your Pet Keep You Healthy? - Well Blog - NYTimes.com
Numerous studies show that pets are good for your health, but now we're asking readers to share videos showing us how pets keep them healthy. Be sure and keep them healthy too!
Pet On The Street - What Really Annoys Your Dog? - Paw Nation
What annoys your dog? People in Philadelphia share - video
Playing and having fun helps to eliminate stress from you life—and the same holds true for your dog. In fact, incorporating various forms of play into your dog's daily routine is vital to helping him develop a healthy, loving personality.
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The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents
about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit,
BP apologized. David Letterman
v v v v v
"Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed
to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked" Craig
Ferguson
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KP1983
v v v v v
"There's a restaurant in New York City where you get a hot dog
for $69. To be fair, the mustard and the relish are free"
David Letterman
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ASS: The other vagina
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BADVETTE87
A man is driving through an English
countryside when he sees a beautiful blonde woman without a stitch of clothes
on, running across a field with three men in white chasing her. The last man is
carrying two bowling balls.
He stops the man with the bowling balls and asks "What's going on?"
The man replies "The blonde is a patient in a mental hospital over the
hill. They can't keep clothes on her. Every couple of weeks she escapes, and we
have to chase her and bring her back."
"What's with the bowling balls you're carrying," asked the man.
"Oh, I caught her last week. This is my handicap," the man answered
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"I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to kiss my ass !!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!"
v v v v v
A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is
such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything
in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were
married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you
take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
v v v v v
"A couple in Romania has named their baby "Yahoo" because they
met on the Yahoo! Web site, in the personal ads. The baby joins
their two other children, Google and Asian Porn." Jay Leno
v v v v v
So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place." Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found.
Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says... "Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!"
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v v v v v
Recent studies show conclusively that my chances for sex increase
by 7.2 percent for each additional woman in my bed. Unfortunately,
they plummet to 0 percent if one of those women is my wife.
v v v v v
I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been boarded more times
than Amtrak.
v v v v v
During a service at an old synagogue in
Eastern Europe, when the
Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half
remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at
those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the
ones sitting to stand up...
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and Commentaries, didn't
know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a
house-bound ninety-eight year old man, who was one of the original
founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what
the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home
with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man,
"Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during
Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all
the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand..."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
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MMojoy
Unusual Uses For Alka-Seltzer - DIY Life
These fizzy little pills will help you unclog the sink, polish jewelry and more.
Home Ec: Have a Dust-Free Home - DIY Life
Even with thorough housekeeping, it seems
that some homes accumulate dust faster than others. Here are some of the main
culprits -- and how to combat them.
Summer is here, and that means windows and doors will be open wide -- and dust
will be making its way inside. Just when you think your house is clean, a beam
of sunlight comes across the living room, highlighting all those dust particles
dancing in the air, just waiting to settle on every available surface.
HOMETIME HOW TO, Paint, Stain & Wallcovering - Removing Wallpaper
Removing wallpaper doesn't look like fun at all
Basement Makeover | Real Simple
Check out the before/after pics too!
Bye bye smelly and toxic drywalls: Nanomaterial can destroy noxious odors - SmartPlanet
Kenneth Klabunde was ahead of his time when he discovered a powder that could destroy a number of toxic chemicals in the early 1990s. The Kansas State University scientist was one of the first to develop nanomaterials capable of destroying toxic chemicals.
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Less golf -- More gulf
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In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"
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v v v v v
John Wilkes, and English politician noted for his firm
opposition to George III, was a man of courageous liberal
principles, but who led a personal life of great dissipation.
At one time, an opponent of Wilkes, shaking with rage at some
quip the latter had made, said to him, "Sir, I predict you
will die either on the gallows or of some loathsome disease."
To which Wilkes replied, "Which it will be depends entirely
on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
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MMojoy
Why do Sharks swim circles around you before attacking?
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors
of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark
said
to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of
our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we
swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing."
And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why
didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
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v v v v v
Two couples went out golfing together.
The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee
box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely,
while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she
made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas."
v v v v v
"Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over
for the year, and it's time to begin campaigning and talking about
the White House's accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over,
but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning" Jay
Leno
v v v v v
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were from West Virginia, what would
Cheetah be?
A: Pregnant.
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v v v v v
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole
of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag
called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner
didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and
pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large
telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other
friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my
house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right.
This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow,
I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there
with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time
I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her
in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still
for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the
man impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I
think I can save you a grand here..."
v v v v v
Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not
stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's
what screwed up Toyota" Jay Leno
v v v v v
"Tonight is the premiere of the new season of "Jersey Shore." So
apparently, the containment cap did not work" David Letterman
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Beautiful artwork to download for free!
A nifty, inconspicuous program launcher
Tired of a desktop cluttered with shortcuts? Try this handy launcher.
It hides your shortcuts until you need them. There is a demonstration and
screen shots at this site.
Welcome to your notable world | Evernote Corporation
Evernote makes it easy to remember things big and small from your notable life using your computer, phone, and the web. Get started today with a free account *CAPTURE EVERYTHING - Chances are, if you can see it or think of it, Evernote can help you remember it. Type a text note. Clip a web page. Snap a photo. Grab a screenshot. Evernote will keep it all safe. ORGANIZE (or let them do it) - Everything you capture is automatically processed, indexed, and made searchable. If you like, you can add tags or organize notes into different notebooks ETC!
indii.org / tintii photo filter
tintii takes full colour photos and processes them into black and white with some select regions highlighted in colour. The technique is known as colour popping or selective colouring – tintii makes it easy.
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A couple just got married, and when the
husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got
very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no
success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the
kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to, and why she hasn’t been home for
so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a
week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days. What do you mean a
week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat, wash up, and get some clean
underwear."
v v v v v
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving
gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held
it over her head and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers!"
"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know"?
"Just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift
overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of
candy!"
"That's right! But how did you know"? asked the girl.
"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag
over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the
leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine"? she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her
tongue. "Is it champagne"? she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it"?
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
v v v v v
v v v v v
Mark Ruffalo has signed on to be the new Incredible Hulk. When
he heard this, Mel Gibson was like, "Did they even listen to my
audition tapes?" Jimmy Fallon
v v v v v
One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby
kept grabbing her nose.
Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun,
babies grab the biggest thing they see."
She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked
and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"
v v v v v
FRUITY COMPOTE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups water
1-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and thinly slivered
1 cup dried fruit mix
2 cups fresh or frozen cranberries
1 orange, peeled and sectioned
1 Granny Smith apple, peeled, cored and cut into small,
thin wedges.
DIRECTIONS:
In large saucepan, combine sugar, water and ginger.
Bring to a boil over high heat. Add dried fruit mix.
Bring back to a boil and immediately reduce heat to low
simmer. Cook, uncovered, until fruit is not quite tender,
about 5 minutes. Add cranberries and simmer, stirring
occasionally, until cranberries pop. Stir in orange and
apple. Remove from heat and allow to cool down. Serve
warm or at room temperature.
Yield: 6 servings.
v v v v v
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide?
A: He threw himself behind an oncoming train.
v v v v v
Apps For iPhone
Raise A Tree for iPad for iPad on the iTunes App Store
Raise a virtual tree
Words With Friends for iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad on the iTunes App Store
I love this game!! I am soooo addicted! You get to play
with people from all over the world - if you have a competitive streak
like I do then go for it!
Harbor Master HD for iPad on the iTunes App Store
Enjoy the best selling game Harbor Master on the beautiful big screen of the iPad. With completely new content and gorgeous high resolution graphics, Harbor Master HD will blow you away
Backgrounds for iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad on the iTunes App Store
Need backgrounds? THIS App 10,000 to choose from - I love it
STUPIDMETER, test your intelligence for iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad on the iTunes App Store
"STUPIDMETER, test your intelligence" is a fun tool capable of measuring your IQ through a series of carefully designed - free
Discovery Channel for iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad on the iTunes App Store
With the FREE Discovery Channel iPhone application you’ll get new videos, daily news stories, quizzes, photos, TV schedules and more. Illustrating the world in all its wonder, diversity and amazement, Discovery Channel creates the highest quality content to ignite your curiosity, immerse you in the how and why, and satisfy you with information.
v v v v v
A judge in Maine has ruled that women, but not men, can jog naked in
public, for you men who are making their mid-summer vacation plans.
Turns out the law in Maine says an offence of appearing nude is
committed only if the genitals are knowingly exposed in public. The
judge says that women's genitals are primarily internal and
therefore cannot be exposed.
How did this come up at the trial of two women arrested for
running nude?
They won their case by asking just ONE question of the arresting
police officer. He was asked whether he saw their genitals during
the incident. "Not that I recall," he replied.
Case closed.
v v v v v
You know you are in Florida in the summertime when ....
a. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
b. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
c. You can make sun tea instantly.
d. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
e. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
f. You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
g. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
h. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
i. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
j. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
k. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull
one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
l. The cows are giving evaporated milk.
v v v v v
KP1983
v v v v v
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty.
I must have coffee."
The engineering student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty.
I must have beer."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty.
I must have diabetes."
v v v v v
When the wife and I went down to the
Georgia coast a
couple of months ago, we decided to stay in one of
those quaint little bed & breakfasts.
The clerk asked me if we wanted a room with a shower
or a tub.
"What's the difference?" I asked.
"Well, sir, in a tub, you can sit down."
v v v v v
The
Top 14 Signs Your Father Is a Pimp
14> Your name: John
Your brother's name: John
Your other brother's name: John
Your sister's name: Trixie
13> Buys all his clothes at "Dennis Rodman's House of Cool-Looking
Shit."
12> Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
11> Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
10> Comes home from work grumbling about "that damn Roxy in the S&M
Department."
9> When he's carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, "$40 gets
you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!"
8> Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
7> After you collect for your paper route, he demands his "taste."
6> Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
5> You're the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has
ocelot seat covers.
4> His most common threat: "Don't make me slap you -- this
is my day off!"
3> Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver,
shares his pipe with your aunts.
2> Enough about the stable already, where's the damn pony?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Father is a Pimp...
1> Every Christmas and birthday present:
Another big-ass medallion.
v v v v v
Levity Gourmet Marshmallows was founded by Elisabeth and Nathan in 2010. Motivated by curiosity about what it took to make a marshmallow, the two conspired to surprise Elisabeth’s mother on her birthday in the summer of 2008 by making her marshmallows as a special treat. Their interest soon turned into a passion as the two experimented and developed their own recipes for many new flavors and manifestations of marshmallow. Their experimentation was always much to their friends’ delight (as Nathan and Elisabeth are big on sharing), and the two began wondering why they couldn’t offer their creations to all marshmallow lovers and would-be marshmallow lovers by founding a dedicated marshmallow internet boutique. Much devotion and hard work later, Levity Gourmet Marshmallows was born.
Cake Pop, Lollipop Sticks, Designer Cakes
Welcome to the Cake Pop Company. Cake Pops are decadent little cakes on a stick that are as yummy as they are cute. Each Cake Pop is made to order so you can expect a fresh delightful treat.
Starbucks® / Recipes / Vanilla Bean
Yummy!!
v v v v v
One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his
parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see
his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind
her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as
Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished, Dad went to check on little
Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent
over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, " Johnny , what the hell are you doing?!?"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your
mom, is it?!"
v v v v v
"Uh Oh!" said Pauly reading a letter.
Maury, standing near him, said, "Bad news?"
"Disturbing news, anyway," said Pauly. "It's from
someone
who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."
"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his
wife," commented Maury, reasonably.
"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous!"
v v v v v
v v v v v
Queen Elizabeth is about to become a
great-grandmum.
The Top 9 Challenges the Queen Will Face as a Great-Grandmum
9> The diamond-studded binkie keeps cutting the baby's upper lip.
8> London collapses in gridlock when she follows through on her
threat to "Quiet down back there or so help me I'll turn
this
coach right around!"
7> Dandling a baby on your knee is hard when you're holding a scepter.
6> Blotting spit-up stains out of the throne upholstery.
5> The constant requests to referee the Who's Got the Biggest
Ears contests with Great Uncle Prince Charles.
4> "Despite the outfit, we are the Queen of England, dear. Not
your fairy godmother."
3> Someday, somehow, she'll be called upon to explain the whole
Benny Hill phenom.
2> Those looks of utter disdain toward the masses take years of
practice from GrammyQueen.
and the Number 1
Challenge the Queen
Will Face as a
Great-Grandmum...
1> Incomprehensible gurgling makes it difficult to figure out
what the poor thing is babbling. And Parliament can't
understand the baby either.
v v v v v
I shop so you don't have to!
Floral Shelf Paper / Shelf Liners - Chic Shelf Paper
Fun stuff! Drawer and shelf liner paper - some are yuck but lots are pretty!
We must be color-coordinated, people!
MARTHA Show Logo Umbrella | MarthaStewart.com
Her logo color is my favorite color - might consider this umbrells
quirky | Bobble Brush Toothbrush Stand
Quirky's Bobble Brush is a toothbrush stand that turns your toothbrush into a wobbling "weeble." No more sink-top germs on your bristles; this weighted structure keeps your toothbrush upright, bobbing, and grime-free. Yes - it's quirky!
Dylan's Candy Bar - Tackle Box - Saks.com
This is such a cute gift for kids -- and adults!
DARK CHOCOLATE WITH FRENCH GREY SEA SALT
Yes, more chocolate. I don't get the grey sea salt though? Kinda pricey too!
Yummy Mummy Brownies (Powered by CubeCart)
Check out the brownie pops
v v v v v
When I don't want to
ejaculate
quickly, I
think of sports.
At least I plan
to, if I ever
don't want to
ejaculate quickly.
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. Unexpectedly one late evening she goes to his place, opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Overcome by grief, she opens her purse takes out the gun, and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No Honey, don’t do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
v v v v v
The
Top 16 Things That Can Get a
Gal Banned From the Women's Union
16> "Okay, I admit it: More than six cats may be a bit excessive."
15> You've had the faces of Moe and Larry tattooed on each breast
-- and if a guy asks nicely, you'll show him where Curly resides.
14> You regularly clean your ears out with a screwdriver.
13> You put out a nice gingham tablecloth, then gut a freshly killed
deer on it.
12> Although you'd never do the old pull-my-finger gag, you love
to play "squeeze my boob" with similar sound effects.
11> Purchasing any greeting card featuring a chimp and a bikini.
10> The whoopee cushion seemed like a good idea when you brought it into the
meeting.
9> You're already planning on lining up for tickets to the
"Matrix" sequel.
8> Instead of brushing your teeth on a Saturday morning, you use
leftover beer as a mouthwash.
7> Proposing that you take over as local precinct leader, then
wussing out on the requisite knife fight to the death on the
union hall roof.
6> "Whoa! How about a courtesy flush over there, Diane?!?"
5> You delay the decision to take your mom off life support until after the
World Series.
4> "Doing your nails" requires an air compressor and a power
sander.
3> Neglecting to pass on e-mails that are clearly marked: "Cute!!
LOL!! Pass this on!"
2> The stack of "Maxim" magazines piled on your toilet tank is
paperweighted by a tub of petroleum jelly.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing That
Can
Get a Gal Banned From the Women's
Union...
1> You loudly proclaim that if "Dumb and Dumber" isn't the best
movie of all time, you'll give up chewing tobacco.
v v v v v
indianagene
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching
TV when I heard my wife's' sweet voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
v v v v v
Living on the moon would be fun,
but it would sure suck having to walk
a mile every time you missed a Frisbee.
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
A farmer was having trouble getting his horses to breed. He had tried everything and was at his wits end. Finally one day he called the local Vet. The Vet told him to rub the male nose into the female horse...He would get the scent of her and breed. Sure enough the farmer rubbed the male horse’s nose into the female and he hopped right on.
That evening the farmer was thinking about his own trouble in the sex department. So that night after him and his wife were laying in bed, he reached down underneath the covers and rubbed on his wife and then rubbed his nose. To his amazement he got his first hard-on in years. He yelled out to his wife..."honey, look!!! look!!!"
His wife turned on the light disgusted and said "You woke me up to tell me you had a bloody nose?"
v v v v v
v v v v v
A police officer, though scheduled for
all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours
ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept
into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you
go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me
some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, darling," he said, and feeling his way across the
dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said
the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer
Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?"
v v v v v
Tonight, after 15 years, I renewed my marriage vowels... I O U (and sometimes why?)
v v v v v
sammy562
Oooops! *snicker*
harlmilligan
Wöhr Parking Systems - Wöhr Multiparker 730 - Budapest, Hungary
I promise you've never seen anything like this!
Be sure and click on 'Play' in the center of the map - See the changes
from January '07 until May '10 - shocking!!
3. Olpin Hoopes Funeral Home - View Obituary
You must read it all
indianagene
Ever seen a train lay its own track? [VIDEO]
Lots of guys standing around watching the train do all the work *smirk*
Pix: Nothing like mom’s lap - The Daily Tail – Dog Stories & Cat Stories
This is an awwwwww!!
I posted this link quite a while ago - I used it more often than I am willing
to say LOL it works every time!
Steve Bridges appears on WHCA Dinner Program
SO funny -- George Bush has such class
* DeVulcano *
Video Clips: Steve Bridges as "President Barack Obama" - Promo Jan 2010
hahahaha what talent this guy has! Be sure and watch Part 1 and 2
BADVETTE87
* YouTube - I Want Your Money Trailer (2010) HD *
Brilliant - you won't want to miss this
Beautiful Beluga Whales -- and so more more!
Lady GaGa Tour Dates and Concert Tickets Info on Tour Tracker
Yeah - I like some of her music
The Hidden Power of Humor | World of Psychology
We all know humor is good for us
Why our beaches may not be safe - SmartPlanet
The Environmental Protection Agency monitors 3,819 coastal beaches for 37 states, territories and tribes. During the 2009 swimming season, these jurisdictions issued notification actions, or closed beaches, 6,203times, according to the EPA!!
About | CIRCA | The modern way to sell your fine jewelry
Have some jewelry you want to sell?
Under the Sea with Al Giddings
Al Giddings, one the world's most
accomplished and renowned
underwater cinematographers shares footage from his undersea
film shoots--where fantastic creatures represent Darwinian
masterpieces that capture our imaginations--and attention.
Originally broadcast on PBS in '08
States and territories closed beaches more than 6
v v v v v
,000 times in 2009, according to the EPA
What do people have against free
markets? I *hate* paying
for stuff.
States and territories closed beaches more than 6,000 times in 2009, according to the EPA
States and territories closed beaches more than 6,000 times in 2009, according to the EPA
v v v v v
The Top 9 Movies About Oral Sex
chris white
copyright topfive.com (Part II)
9> Wyatt Slurped
8> The Snowball Express
7> The Endless Hummer
6> Mouth Hunt
5> Swallow Hal
4> This Lickable Meat
3> How Stella Got Her Diamond Bracelet Back
2> Natural Born Fluffers
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Movie About Oral Sex...
1> An Inconvenient Tooth
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v v v v v
"Today is independence day for Madagascar. That's where the
pirates used to hang out and do 'piraty' things... like
drink rum... powder their cannon balls and get into sword
fights...like a party at Elton John's house." Craig
Ferguson
v v v v v
10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first
date 20% of the men had sex in a non- traditional place 36%
of the women favor nudity 45% of the women prefer dark men
with blue eyes 46% of the women experienced anal sex 70% of
the women prefer sex in the morning 80% of the men have never
experienced homosexual relations 90% of the women would like
to have sex in the forest 99% of the women have never experienced
sex in the office.
Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance
of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the
forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever
come of it.
v v v v v
Houseplants for Beginners - Shelterpop
Houseplants, like fresh flowers, add instant life to any room. But if you have a black thumb like I do, that organic energy is short-lived. Inspired by the season's bounty of bright blooms and greenery, I've decided to give gardening another go, but not before I called on an expert for some advice.
Storey Publishing : The Complete Houseplant Survival Manual
This looks like a good book to own
Edible Landscaping with Charlie Nardozzi :: National Gardening Association
Watering Your Veggie Garden
It seems like this technique should be as obvious and easy as picking a tomato, but how you water your vegetables can influence the size and quality of the harvest. Besides the soil, water is the most essential element to plants. Improper watering can cause plants to be dwarf, stunted, and produce poorly. It's not just drought conditions that can cause a problem. Too much water can be as harmful as too little. Too much water can squeeze air out of the soil, causing poor plant growth.
Edible Landscaping with Charlie Nardozzi :: National Gardening Association
Summer is fruit season. Plums, peaches, cherries, pears, and apples are all producing at various times this summer, depending on the variety and your location. They all can add a luscious abundance to our tables and freezers. If you love tree fruits and want to try creating some unique combinations, why not try your hand at grafting.
v v v v v
An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent
and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his
lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were
booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment,
but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he
could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was
disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it,
and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three
condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now
could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.
The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he
returned
to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more
condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and
said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on
an eight-day cruise.
The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore.
He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said,
"Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why
do you keep doing it?"
v v v v v
Adios Motherfucker
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz rum
1/2 oz 1800 Tequila
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
2 oz sweet and sour mix
2 oz 7-Up
Pour all ingredients except the 7-Up into a chilled glass
filled with ice cubes. Top with 7-Up and stir gently.
Malibu Bay Breeze
1 1/2 oz Malibu coconut rum
2 oz cranberry juice
2 oz pineapple juice
Blend ingredients and serve over ice
v v v v v
A woman married three times walked into
a bridal shop one day and
told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk,
"exactly
what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, and then said, "Please don't take
this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for
those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps
ivory or sky blue would be nice?''
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as
innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so
excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our
hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the
limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again."
''What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for
four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened."
v v v v v
Curtains
by Tom Jokinen
At forty-four, Tom Jokinen decided to quit his job in order to become an apprentice undertaker, setting out to ask the questions: What is the right thing to do when someone dies? With the marketplace offering new options (go green, go anti-corporate, go Disney, be packed into an artificial reef and dropped in the Atlantic...), is there still room for tradition?
This is non-fiction and some contents are quite disturbing if you aren't family with the
undertaking business -- so there's your warning.
I found it pretty fascinating -- the author even throws in some humor! I really
did like this.
v v v v v
Has your husband lived up to all he said before you were married?
No, He's only lived up to one of them.
Which one?
He said he wasn't good enough for me.
v v v v v
Boy, does my wife hate it when I order
the 2-piece white-meat KFC
lunch combo
and call it
"breast feeding."
v v v v v
If you bathe your cat, and it takes an hour
to get
the fur off of your tongue., then you're probably
doing it wrong.
v v v v v
MMojoy
v v v v v
As you *may* have heard,
JetBlue flight attendant
Steven Slater got fed up with his job recently and
showed his displeasure by cursing out the passengers
on his flight, grabbing a beer, then exiting
the
just-landed plane by deploying the emergency slide.
The Top 16 Signs Your Flight Attendant Has Totally Lost It
16> Walks around the cabin with an oxygen mask strapped on like a codpiece.
15> As passengers disembark, he tries to start a conga line.
14> Directs all Yankee fans to the back of the plane to be shot.
13> Plays "Trick the Captain" by having passengers all move
s